Original subtitles

[opening theme music playing]

See these, America?

Four ringside seats to Hutchinson and Turner fight

in Vegas tonight.

Surprise gift from the fellas.

Yes, sir.

Me and the boys hitting the fight, the casinos, the strip club. Ahem.

I don't care what you think, America, and I'm ready.

I've been ready ever since I missed last year's trip

on account of those sick nasty germy little kids.

See, last year I gave Bryana a birthday party and influenza.

But trust me, this year, ain't nothing ruining it.

Me and the boys are taking the noon flight. Ha!

That's right, and I don't plan on spending not one second more

with those doggone kids.

So come on in, flu. Chicken pox.

Flesh-eating disease, ringworms, I don't care.

Whatever you got, bring it on.

Take your best shot, 'cause Bernie Mac going to Vegas,

and nothing, I mean nothing, is going to stop me.

Come on, now, Wanda. You promised you take them.

I'm sorry. I have a special presentation to make for work.

Come on. These things come up.

Fine, they won't go.

That's not fair. You guys promised you'd take us to the movies!

Got it in writing?

Come on, sweetheart. You got to be there?

Well, considering it's a $30 million account

on which I happen to be project manager,

yeah, I guess I do.

But, baby, it's Vegas.

I might win $30 million, then we'll be even.

See? It's starting.

Dark forces conspiring to ruin my trip, but it ain't going to work.

I spoke to the fellas and they're cool.

So I'm going to take them evil kids to see the first show

and then get 'em back home, feed them.

And the second my baby walk through the door,

I'm a memory, America.

I'm gone, went, I'm out of here, 86, got my hat.

I want to see Jake Fury: Fists of Iron.

I want to go to Vegas, but if I suffer, you suffer.

There is no way I'm seeing some G-rated movie.

I can't stop you from closing your eyes, okay?

Three kids for Field Goal Kicking Mule, and one for Bloody Dead 3.

How come you get to see what you want to see?

Shut up or be Bloody Dead 4.

Go on in there.

-[Vanessa scoffs] -Don't get caught doing that.

[arcade games beeping]

-Oh, hey, there's Vanessa. -Hi!

Come on. Come on. Get in there.

Baby girl.

Watch them!

Mm-mm, mm-mm.

Don't go in there.

This some hell naw.

How many people go in the cemetery after a radiation leak?

You know there's zombies in there.

Shh.

-[all gasping] -[woman screaming on screen]

I told you.

Didn't I say it?

Didn't I tell you, "Shh"?

This some hell naw.

-[woman continues screaming] -[zombie growling]

[man on screen] Another field goal!

[boings]

Man, this is crap.

I can't take it anymore.

Hey, you stay here and watch Bryana.

[Jordan sighing]

I don't want to stay here either.

I hate mules.

[distant exploding]

-[distant men yelling] -Jake Fury: Fists of Iron.

Okay, you stay here and watch the movie, okay?

-[mule braying] -Isn't the mule funny? [chuckles]

Heehaw, heehaw.

So, hey, what do you think of Todd Miller?

He is so cute. Why?

'Cause he's coming this way.

-Hey, Vanessa. -Hey.

-Donna. -Hey.

So, you guys going to Aaron's party tonight?

Yeah. You?

Yeah.

[machine guns and explosion]

[man on screen] Looks like we're surrounded.

It's time to pull out the big guns!

Whoa!

This is a great movie.

[gunshots]

[exploding]

Vanessa, look. He keeps checking you out.

[both giggling]

Ooh.

[giggling]

[woman on screen screams]

Man, that's one hungry zombie. Look at it. I love it.

[Bryana] Uncle Bernie?

[shouting]

Chew on his ass.

Uncle Bernie?

[shouting]

Uncle Bernie!

Baby girl, baby girl.

Don't look at it.

What you doing here?

-They abandoned me, Uncle Bernie. -Come on, come on. Come on.

[screaming]

They better have a good doggone reason for leaving baby girl.

A good reason.

Baby girl, popcorn.

A good reason.

[exploding]

[quietly] Jordan?

Jordan?

-[man 1] Be quiet! -Jordan?

-[shushing] -Come on…

-Oh, I'm sorry. -[man 2] Come on man, sit down.

Jordan.

-Jordan. -[men] Shh.

[woman on screen] Jake, you saved my life.

-Excuse me. -I can think of only one way to repay you.

It's time to pull out…

-Ow! -You know better.

[unzipping on screen]

Whoa, boobies.

Man, that's nice.

Real nice.

Do you think those are real?

-Man, there ain't nothing fake… -Ahh, ow!

Ow, my face.

-Get up. -Ow, my face.

Ow…

-Uncle Bernie! -Quiet.

Go on.

That was cool.

Oh, I'm dead.

You know you're dead, don't you?

I told you to watch your brother and sister.

You couldn't even do that.

She ended up sitting next to me watching the most gruesome movie

and this young freak, he sittin' up there watching--

Boobies. Big ones.

Real live boobies.

Jordan, will you shut up?

You're just jealous 'cause you ain't got none.

♪ You ain't got no boobies ♪

Jordan, shut up!

Jordan, I hope you got a good memory

'cause that's the last pair you're ever going to see. Let's go.

Nessa!

Damn kids.

Made me miss Vegas for this.

I should have put them in a kennel for the day.

[imitating Jordan] "I saw boobies." [chuckling]

America, I'm…

Yeah, Chuy, man, my fault, man.

I'm sorry, man.

I should have never gave in to no doggone kids.

But dig, as soon as Wanda get in, man, I'll call you and we'll bounce, hear?

Hi-yah!

I am Jake Fury and I have fists of iron!

You want to see how Jake kicks?

Hi-yah!

Ow! Ow!

My shoulder! [sobs]

Ow…

Boy, what's wrong with you?

My shoulder! Ow!

-That hurt? -Don't touch it! Ow!

Chuy, this boy done separated his doggone shoulder.

Listen, y'all go head on, man, I'll catch up with you, okay?

I can't breathe it hurts so bad.

See, that's what you get for watching things

you got no business watching. Now I got to take you to the hospital.

-Ah, don't touch it! [cries] -Shut up.

-[indistinct chatter] -[distant sirens]

This hospital for the poor, man.

They got one doctor. This is ridiculous.

Don't make no doggone sense, man.

-Mr. Mayser? -Yeah, right here.

Ho, ho, ho, ho, wait, man. He just got here.

We've been here for three hours. What's going on?

Sir, Mr. Mayser has chest pains.

Why you got to say, like, "He got chest pains"?

You better find something wrong with you real quick.

-Get some chest pains or something. -Ow!

If I miss this flight, we're going to be on the news.

I'm not, but, you… Woo.

I was so embarrassed.

Did they say anything?

I don't care what Freddie said.

Did Todd say anything?

What? No, Jordan is not funny…

Hey, Vanessa, where are they?

Hey, baby, I… I left as soon as I got your message.

I'm so glad you're here. The boy's a little hungry,

needs something to eat. I got to catch a flight.

I'm out this hot dog stand, leaving the mustard.

-Uh, uh, baby. -Come on. I ain't no doctor.

Ain't nothing I can do for the boy's shoulder.

Come on. Let me live, baby.

Baby, he needs your moral support.

The boys already landed in Sin City.

Come on, Wanda. Let me go…

Baby, come on now!

If you were a little thicker, a little taller

about right up in here, penalty.

I'll let you.

Go ahead and walk it off.

-You okay? -Ow…

I know, I know.

-Ow! Don't touch it! -Okay, okay, hey, baby.

-Ow! -I know.

Oh, baby, this some bull. I'm out of here. I'm getting out of here.

No, don't go.

Hold on. The doctor's here. You're in good hands now.

Actually, I'm just here to take him to X-ray.

Where you taking me?

Uncle Bernie, he's taking me somewhere!

-Calm down, Jordan. -Help! [gasping]

Doctor, Doctor, he's faking. I know when he's faking.

I get him to do that all the time.

When I want to get out of dinner with the Richters, I…

You are lucky we are in an emergency room.

[Jordan choking, gasping]

Knock it off, Jordan. Knock it off before I knock it off for you!

Son, you can tell me.

How did you really hurt your shoulder?

What do you mean by that, man?

Hey.

Look, Jordan, I… I'm gonna go to X-ray with you, okay?

-Thank you, Uncle Bernie. -Okay.

-I'm so scared. -I'll be back, babe…

-Don't be scared. I'll be back, okay? -[Jordan screams]

Come on, shh.

That sneaky little…

America, you see how he tried to blackmail me?

Whining, wheezing weasel.

All he did was separate his shoulder.

It's not like he needs stem cells.

Now I'm missing out on free drinks and bad lounge music.

[music stops]

I mean, no… no offense.

No… no…

-Thank you. -Yeah.

[music resumes playing]

-Aunt Wanda? -Mm?

Can I ask you a question?

Sure, sweetie, what is it?

How old were you when you… changed?

Changed?

Vanessa, you've already had your "friend."

No, no.

The other… change.

Oh.

You mean when did I blossom?

Yeah, 'cause I sort of haven't, and a lot of the other girls have.

And there was this party that I really wanted to go to tonight, but--

You feel self-conscious?

Hmm.

Well, there's no escaping 14.

Every girl goes through something.

For me, it was actually the opposite.

I was the first one to develop, and I was a stick with boobs.

Ooh, do you know how that made me feel?

Popular?

Uh, no, that would be 16, when the rest of me filled out.

[laughing]

But 14, I remember it was hell.

I was self-conscious.

I was embarrassed.

And when they first came in, oh, they hurt.

So, what did you do?

I accepted it.

And I went to parties.

Like you will.

Look, they have free candy here.

Don't make no doggone sense.

I'm sitting up here, they gonna tell me

they ain't got no doggone doctors all up in…

I'll be doggone.

No wonder they ain't got no doctors. They all in the same doggone room.

Hey, hey! Come on, man!

I got a shoulder I'm dealing with, man and a flight to catch to Sin City.

Come on, man. I got ringside seats.

Five hours, America.

Five hours I lost to that damn hospital.

The boy just had a dislocated shoulder.

Finally, I did get a doctor.

I mean, it took two seconds and one good shove to relocate it.

I could've done that hours ago.

Well, America, that's it.

I've done my duty.

Jordan and baby girl are exhausted in bed,

and I'm gonna drop Nessa off at the party en route to the airport.

And then, and only then, I'm off the clock.

[chuckles] I'm going to Vegas. I'm gonna have me a good time.

I'm gonna take in a couple of shows.

Who can I see?

My boy Don Rickles is there.

Don, I'm comin', baby!

[upbeat music playing]

All right, Nessa. Come on. I'm in a hurry. I've got to go.

You in or out? What you gonna do?

[sighs] Fine.

Have fun on your trip.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

-Come on. Close the door. -[door closes]

I can't let you go like that.

Look, Nessa, Aunt Wanda told me about your problem.

She told me about this whole puberty thing.

I don't mean it like that.

Your mama had a board chest all the way up till she was 24 years old.

-What? -They used to call her "Mister."

What I'm trying to say

is, baby, some people develop quicker than others.

Well, look, we'll talk about it, okay?

So what you gonna? You gonna stay or you gonna go?

Just take me home.

-Okay. -[engine starting]

[Bryana screaming]

[Bernie] What the… What's that?

[Bryana crying]

Hey, hey, hey, what's happening?

-[crying continues] -What's going on?

[crying] I had a scary dream.

Oh, baby girl, you just had a nightmare. Go back to sleep.

Come on now.

No, but you have to do a monster search.

Baby girl, I ain't got no time to do no monster search.

Maybe Aunt Wanda can do it.

Baby, read her a book so she can go back to bed.

Oh, uh-uh, Bernie, I tried.

Apparently, the zombie in the R-rated movie you took her to

ate the pretty Black lady, so this is all you, baby.

You can snuggle up to her to another scary movie.

That don't make no sense, taking no baby to no R-rated scary movie.

[tearfully] I told you, America.

Conspiracy.

-I-- Thanks. -[piano playing softly]

You staying at the hotel?

Not yet.

Then that'll be $7.50.

Uh… what?

$7.50.

But…

Damn.

I'm missing everything.

Well, I did the monster search.

Surprise, America. No monsters.

But could I leave? No.

That miserable boy told her the monsters were invisible.

[falsetto] "Protect me, Uncle Bernie. Protect me."

Yeah, but who protect me from them, America?

That's the question.

I'm the one in serious danger here,

and if I don't get on that next flight, I'm going to miss the main event.

Well, I'm going to tell you something.

I don't care.

I'm going to Vegas.

Even if I do miss the fight,

my main man Chuy just called me and told me there's going to be a after-party,

and I'll just go there and hang with the champ, Denzel,

and all the rest of them whoever there.

Oh, it's still on, America.

As soon as that little pigtail-wearing stinker falls asleep…

I'm gone.

Where are you going?

Baby girl, I'm not going anywhere. I'm just switching butt cheeks.

Oh, Uncle Bernie, my shoulder hurts.

All right, I'll get you some more medicine.

But the monster will get us.

Oh, oh, baby girl, there ain't no monster gonna get you.

I'll tell you what. I'll build a big force field right here

to protect you till I get back.

-Yay! -Yay.

That's it, huh?

All right, just stay there till I get back…

with your medicine.

Wow.

Baby girl sure do like applesauce.

I bet if I mi…

Why you always got to be watching me, America?

Is there no privacy in my own damn house?

You're like Big Brother.

-[force field humming] -All right, here you go.

Here go your medicine.

Knock yourself out,

and I mean that literally.

How you doing, baby girl? Are you okay?

Good. I got my force field, and nothing can come in.

All right, you sure do.

You got your force field, and can't nothing get in.

In that case, I'll see y'all tomo…

Ha! Some force field.

Can't even keep out a stupid stuffed rabbit. [chortling]

Uncle Bernie!

Turn over, turn over.

-Bernie? -Hmm?

-Hey. -Hey.

You've really gone all out for the kids today.

Okay.

No, baby, why don't you go,

and if she wakes up, I'll take care of her.

What? Really?

-Yes. -Oh, baby…

Thank you.

Finally! No one can stop me now.

Those little ingrates don't even know how lucky they are.

See, a different parent might not care so much.

Would have been in Vegas hours ago.

Now, that's my New Year's resolution.

Cut out the fatty food, care less about the kids.

I'm out of here.

Yes, sir, let me see what's going on.

[woman] Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

At this time, the captain requests

that all cell phones, pagers, and electronic devices be turned off.

[phone ringing]

Oh, damn.

Sir, I'm sorry, but that's going to have to remain off.

I… I'll be real quick. I got a phone call.

Oh, yes, it's FAA regulation.

Okay.

It's probably the boys calling, you know, trying to find out where I am.

But what if it's not?

♪ Memories, memories ♪

♪ Sweet, sweet memories ♪

♪ Of days gone by ♪

[imperceptible]

♪ That make me cry ♪

♪ Memories, memories ♪

♪ Sweet memories ♪

♪ That make me sad ♪

♪ They take me back ♪

♪ To you ♪

The problem is…

I do care about them.

Damn.

America, I love them.

[yawning]

Hey, baby girl.

Looks like we made it, huh?

It's light out now.

You'll be all right.

[groaning]

Uncle Bernie?

And I love you, too.

[chuckles softly]

Nessa.

You used my phone yesterday, didn't you?

You're waking me up to yell at me?

You got a message on my phone from some girl named Donna.

And then Todd got on the phone and started talking.

What did he say?

Well, he said that he wondered why you wasn't at the party,

and that he's seen you in school, you know.

Well, how did he say it?

The boy like you, okay?

Now, go on back to bed.

America, this whole time

I thought my fight was with those kids, but it wasn't.

It was with myself.

Between the part of me that wants to enjoy myself

with no strings, and the part that's a good parent.

See, America, personal growth and maturity

can be irritating as hell.

Oh, yeah, I know.

But did you see the look in baby girl eyes when she saw me sitting there?

Or the smile on Nessa face just then?

Now, I don't know if I enjoy it

as much as seeing Hudson beat the tar out of Turner,

but it's close.

Real close.

Oh, baby, baby, baby.

Mmm. Honey, you're home early.

Mm-hmm.

How was the fight?

The best man won.

[playing bluesy tune]

Uh-huh.

Little Richard.

-[director] And cut! -[laughing]