All language subtitles for The.Bernie.Mac.Show.S02E13.Raging.Election.1080p.NF.WEB-DL.AAC.2.0.H.264-CHDWEB_track3_[eng]

[opening theme music playing]

America, kids are like oysters.

Especially when it comes down
to doing homework

'cause they like to clam up
and pretend like they don't have any.

See, that's why
it's the parents' job

to dig 'em out of the mud
and get 'em to open up.

Then once you do that,

you could be that little bit of
grit that get inside the shell,

just irritates them. I like that.

'Cause it's the little grain of sand
that makes the pearl.

Remember that, America.

Oysters…

[slurps]

'Cause if you can't put up
with the grit… shuck 'em.

We better move,
or we're going to be late.

The teachers
ain't going nowhere.

They'll be there
when we get there.

Come on,
let me finish my dinner.

You know, you don't have to go.
Parent night is optional.

Oh, no, I want to go.

I want to find out
what you don't want me to know.

That's why I'm going to go.

I'm doing a science project.

Oh, yeah?

Everyone has to make a model insect.

I'm making a dung beetle.

What's a dung?

I think it's a topic
that can wait till after dinner.

Dung's cow poop, stupid.

[Bernie Mac]
Hey, hey, hey.

You can see we're
eating dinner, man. Come on.

That's what the beetles do
with their dung.

They stick it in their mouth
and mash it up

[garbled] …that comes streaming out.
Mmm.

This boy done messed up my appetite.
I'll take my pie in the truck.

Stinkin'…

-I want pie.
-[Wanda] Stay here

-and eat your dinner.
-Okay.

In… in truth, Vanessa is
one of my favorite students.

Thank you, man.
You know what?

I like to think that we do a good job
on keeping up on her.

Actually, I have a theory.

I firmly believe
that most kids are like oysters.

-Uh, Bernie--
-No, actually, I agree with you, Bernie.

I… I think that if anything,
Vanessa needs to come out of her shell.

Uh, she does in gymnastics.

And… and that's fine. That's great.

But, you know,
I just…

I'd like to see her do something
that challenges her mind.

Any suggestions?

Student government?

Uh, no, definitely not.

What you talking about?

Your teacher said
you'd make a great class officer.

Okay, why don't I just
run for president?

As a suggestion.

Or how about one of the lesser offices
like class treasurer?

Why don't I just join Mathletes?

Uh, excuse you, Miss Thing.

I was class treasurer
of my sophomore year

and by my senior year,
I was class president.

Yeah, but I'm not like you…

-I can't win an election.
-Boo.

What you talking about?

You a Mac.

You could do anything
you put your mind to it.

[school bell ringing]

No one's going to wear these.

All right, buttons.

Can we have some?

Sure.

It doesn't matter.

They're just gonna
make you throw them away.

Why?

-Ow!
-[laughing]

Excuse me.

Who wants money?

I'll take some.

"In Chelsea We Trust."

This isn't money.

They're coupons.

They're good for free video games
at my dad's arcade.

Score.

Want one, Vanessa?

Oh, it's on.

It's on.

[Bernie Mac] What the hell is that?

It's a dung ball.

Isn't it glorious?

It's foul!

I know.
I added extra stink.

What happened to the beetle?

I didn't get around to that yet.

You mean to tell me
you spent a whole week

-building a pile of--
-[woman] Shh.

It is time to judge the projects.

Judge 'em? Whoo!

It's a cricket and when you rub
its hind legs, it really chirps.

[chirping]

[chirping continues]

It's a walking stick,
but it's also a pen.

I made one for everybody.

The spider's body
is made from…

Mmm…

-Marzipan.
-Marzipan.

[exhales]

Uncle Bernie,
can I ask you something?

Yeah, Jordan, yeah.

Am I slow?

America, is that
the saddest thing you ever heard?

The poor kid.

He puts his blood, his sweat,

and God knows what else
into this… this thing.

He brings it here, all proud,
and they make him feel like…

like a pile of this.

America, you saw those projects.

Not a single one done by them.

You gonna tell me some 8-year-old
made a remote control ladybug?

I don't think so.

America, it's downright shameful.

At least my kids do their own work.

And they gonna keep on doing
their own work.

And if they try to compete and they can't
and they get "F"? Well, fine.

At least they earned 'em.

And if they try to go to college
and they can't get in, that's fine, too.

They can live at home.

Oh, no.

So, Jordan, what is it
that you got to make, a monastery?

A Spanish mission for our unit
on California history.

Uh-huh. Show me what
you got to build.

-I want to build San Luis Obispo.
-Uh-huh.

See, it was built in this place
called the Valley of the Bears.

When the Spanish guys were building it,
they kept on getting attacked by bears.

So I want to have the monks
getting eaten by bears, like this…

Hold, hold, Jordan, Jordan.

Look at this crib. This sharp, man.

It has a bell tower and everything.

A working aqueduct.

What do you say
we build this?

Yeah! And can the aqueduct
run red with the blood of the infidels?

Jordan, you not slow, you're sick.

But I think I like you.

-Um, Uncle Bernie?
-Hmm?

I could really use your help
on my campaign election.

What's the problem, baby?

Okay, well, there's
this stupid girl, Chelsea,

and she thinks she's so smart

and, you know,
I knew my buttons were whack,

but she comes up and says,
"Ugh! Those buttons are whack."

Oh, and then, she was passing out bills
that her dad made.

Oh… Okay.

I see how they want to play.

Don't worry about it, Nessa.

I got your back.

Whatever you need,
you let me know. I got you.

-What I need…
-Mm-hmm?

…is you.

All right!

Now we're firing on both cylinders.

See, Bernie Mac gonna school
those schools.

See, America, when all
the parents started meddling,

they didn't know what they
was messing with. Oh, no.

See, Bernie Mac may only be an uncle,
but I could still bring on the Big Daddy.

I mean the Big Daddy.
'Cause I'm the Mac.

-Son, what you doin'?
-[bell rings]

I want to do something.

-You want to do something?
-Yeah.

-Go on in the kitchen, get me a pop.
-But I want to help.

That helps me.
I can't work when I'm thirsty, okay?

[Jordan groans]

Wow.

Ooh, this is really coming along.

Nice, eh? Real nice.

What part did you build, Jordan?

Well, nothing yet.

But after Uncle Bernie's done,
he's got to let me add these.

See, the Native Americans were
always attacking the missions.

-Hey, hey, hey.
-'Cause then--

Jordan! Jordan!

-Look… think you doin'?
-Bernie, Bernie.

Baby, it took me hours
to put this thing together,

-then Quasimodo come along--
-And what?

Tries to get involved
in his own project?

-Kinda, sorta.
-Okay, well,

it's his assignment, remember?

Come on, now, let the boy contribute.

Here.

America, my baby's right.

You know she's right.

This is Jordan's project.

But it's my hard work,
and the boy's ruined it.

Look at this mess.

Look like a P-Funk concert.

The thing was perfect.

It don't need no
mother ship connection.

It's mine!

All mine!

-[applause]
-[Craig] You all know me.

I'm Craig Sullivan.

I'm running for vice president.

Here's my speech.

[cheering]

[roars]

Thank you, Mr… Sullivan.

Now, we'll hear from
Vanessa Thomkins.

Vanessa?

[light applause]

Um…

I'm Vanessa and everybody
usually gives a speech,

so I thought I wouldn't do that.

Too late.

You had your turn, Mr. Sullivan.

So, I made this.

Hi, I'm Vanessa,
and I'm runnin for class treasurer.

Now, I know that during
the course of this election

a lot of people
have been asking you

how you would improve
the school.

But since we can't actually
burn it down,

I thought someone should
ask the faculty instead.

[Vanessa] Mr. Duff?

Mr. Duff, could I speak with you
for a minute?

Yeah, you can speak.

Mr. Duff, how would you
improve our school?

[slurred speech] I'm gonna tell you
how you improve your school.

You improve your school
by having less students.

[laughing]

Once you have less students,

you improve your school.

[stuttering] Uh, uh, uh, yes, uh…
What I always felt

what the student needed most
was a… a rotunda

where the student government
could meet with a huge

capital dome.

I've always felt that.

[raspy] I'll tell you how you can
improve the school,

more book-working
and less horseplay.

This is what horseplay will get you.

And you know what?
I didn't even see it coming.

[Vanessa] You all know our principal,
Mr. Gates.

I want to institute a policy
of student principal for a day.

You really think that would
improve the school?

Who cares?
I just want out of this zoo.

[tires screeching]

[applause and cheering]

Simmer down.

Simmer down, people.

Now that was Vanessa Thom--

Mac.

[applause]

[chanting] Mac! Mac! Mac!

A toast to the winners.

Whoo-hoo!

Your dad was
so awesome in that video.

Actually, he's my uncle.

Who cares?

We should get him to host
the talent show.

-Hey!
-I don't know.

Doing it.

I'm vice president.

Talent show?
What that got to do with treasurer, baby?

It's a fund-raiser,
and we're raising money.

And I don't ever ask you
for anything. Please?

Oh, look at that baby.

Already in office one day,
she use her political muscle.

Oh, honey, just do it.

Okay. And I'll give you
the whole Mac attack, baby.

I mean, all of it.

Oh, yeah, baby.

Please don't act like that
when we get there.

Well, this is impressive!

Jordan, are those real tiles?

I… I think I can field that end.

They're Lee Press-On Nails.

Bringing the Projects to the project.

Actually, this isn't the original roof.

-Sure it is.
-Uh-uh.

Yes, it is. I only built one roof.

I mean, together.

I'm talking about
the real mission.

The mission in San Diego
actually had three roofs in its history.

The first was made out of wood,
like this.

Ah! Now when did you make that?

I've had a lot of spare time.

Be careful, Jordan.

Actually, the Native Americans
didn't like the monks,

because they tried to convert
them to Christianity

and make them learn Spanish
and other atrocities.

Why you looking at me
when you say that?

So one night,
they attacked the mission.

But they soon found out

that they were no match
for the Spanish firearms.

Jordan…

That's when they torched the roof.

Jordan, Jordan, Jordan!

-Ha-ha!
-Jordan, Jordan!

[screaming]

[laughing maniacally]

♪ Fire ♪

Whoa! Ahhh!

[children screaming]

I'm down here, America.

Yoo-hoo.

Right here.

How you like that?

America, I break my back
for those doggone kids,

and what's they thanks?

They break my back.

Well, that's it.

You think I'm playing?

You mark my words:

I will never, ever do nothing
for those kids.

Oh, God.

Nessa's talent show tonight.

America, I got to…

Help me up. Help me up.

Wanda, ain't no way.
I can't go, I can't do it, I can't do it.

Oh, I want to die.
I really, really want to die.

Nessa, you know I'm not playing.
You know I'd do anything for you.

If I could, I would.

I took four pain pills,
they ain't working.

[sighs] Everybody's going to hate me.

Sweetie, do you want me
to come with you for moral support?

[Vanessa moans]

I'm sorry, honey.

Let's go, let's go,
let's go, let's go. Come on.

Are you kidding?
You're kidding.

Tell me you're kidding.

Because if you're not kidding,
this is so not good.

Oh, my God.

It's so not good.

Look, uh, I'd leave town
if I were you,

'cause when people find out
there's no Bernie Mac,

they're going for your throat.

Craig.

What? It's the only reason
people voted for her.

Shut up, Sully.

All right, all right.

Sully has left the building.

Well, I guess I should tell the people.

Don't worry, Vanessa. I'll handle it.

All right, let's have a round
of applause for Ian here.

Thank you, Ian.

Brittany, do you really think that's
the only reason people voted for me?

Completely.

But only a jerk like Craig
would say it to your face.

[audience booing]

Uncle Bernie,
I brought you a drink.

Oh, Jordan. Thank you, son.

Mmm.

Jordan, I'm sorry about your project.

But you learned a lot, didn't you?

Jordan, I am so proud of you.

Wow.

Uncle Bernie, I like you on painkillers.

Yeah?

I'm nicer, huh?

[pills rattle]

Hey… I love you.

I feel good, America.

Doctor gave me a subscription.

Mmm, actually, America,
I feel kind of bad.

I let Nessa down.

I wish there was something I could do.

Wait, there is, America.

Don't worry.

The Mac Man ain't operating
no heavy machinery.

Excuse me, America,
I got to make a phone call.

I got…

I got it.

Hey, kid.

How you holding up?

Mmm.

I brought someone
who wants to meet you.

Your uncle called in
some reinforcements.

Oh, my gosh.

Nessa, this is India.Arie.

Hi.

You're such a pretty chocolate chip.

I hear it's a tough crowd out there.

Well, do you think
they'd mind if I sing?

We going to get 'em.
I got your back.

[audience grumbling]

All right, fine,
I couldn't get Bernie Mac.

[audience boos]

But I did get
someone better than Bernie Mac.

So give it up for India.Arie.

[grumbling]

Sorry, India,
I guess they don't want you.

[audience gasping]

[applauding and cheering]

This is for my girl Vanessa.

Let me tell you why I love him.

♪ 'Cause he is the truth ♪

♪ Said he is so real ♪

♪ And I love the way ♪

♪ That he makes me feel ♪

♪ And if I am a reflection of him ♪

♪ Then I must be fly ♪

♪ Because his light, it shines
So bright, I wouldn't lie ♪

♪ I remember the very first day
That I saw him ♪

♪ I found myself immediately
Intrigued by him ♪

♪ It's almost like I knew this man
From another life ♪

♪ Like back when maybe
I was his husband ♪

♪ Maybe he was my wife ♪

♪ And even the things
I don't like about him ♪

♪ Are fine with me ♪

♪ 'Cause it's not hard for me
To understand him ♪

♪ 'Cause he's so much like me ♪

♪ And it's truly my pleasure
To share his company ♪

♪ And I know that it's God's gift ♪

♪ To breathe
The air he breathes ♪

♪ 'Cause he is the truth ♪

♪ Said he is so real ♪

♪ And I love the way ♪

♪ That he makes me feel ♪

♪ And if I am
A reflection of him ♪

♪ Then I must be fly ♪

♪ Because his light
It shines so bright, oh… ♪

Oh, I still can't believe it.

Oh, my God. She was so cool.

Well, congratulations, Nessa.

Sounds like it was
a huge success, huh?

Yeah, it was.

Come and tell me, come on.

I just wish I had
something to do with it.

What you talking about?

Oh, come on, it's not like
I could have called up Inda.Arie.

Face it, Uncle Bernie,
that was all you.

Okay, okay, maybe it was me,

but, baby, you still got the tools
to be great in student government.

Yeah, but I'm not great at it now,

and I don't really like it.

It's not my thing,
and that's why I'm quitting.

Come on, now, Nessa.
What do you mean, "quitting"?

You're a Mac. We don't quit at nothing.

Baby, give me one reason
why you should quit.

Uh, honey, I think
she just gave you three.

All right, Nessa, listen.

The reason we encourage you,

because you got so much
potential, sweetheart.

We try to give you something
that you can believe in yourself.

Oh, I do believe in myself.

And I know that I don't want
to hang out with dorks like Sully.

But I do want to hang out
with people like India.Arie.

That's what I believe, okay?

Okay, Nessa.

-Wow.
-Good night.

Wanda, maybe we can do--

You know what?

I think we should let her
find her own thing.

-Might be right.
-Mm-hmm.

I believe Wanda's right.

Kids really do find their own way,
in their own time.

We did.

And if they're gonna learn,
they're gonna learn

whether we poke 'em
or prod 'em or not.

I mean, look at Jordan.

All that stuff he learned
about Spanish monks

and dung beetles
and all that without me.

Hell, in spite of me.

And you know,
maybe kids aren't oysters.

Maybe kids are the pearls.

Think about it.

[Vanessa]
♪ Said he is so real ♪

♪ And I love the way ♪

♪ That he makes me feel ♪

♪ And if I am a reflection of him ♪

♪ Then I must be fly ♪

♪ Because his light, it shines
So bright, I wouldn't lie… ♪

I take that back, America.

That's not a pearl.

That's a diamond.

A diamond in the rough.

[singing continues]

Listen to that.

♪ It's almost like I knew
This man from another life ♪

I never knew that.

♪ Maybe I was his husband
Maybe he was my wife… ♪

I never knew that.

[singing continues]

You go, girl.

Shoot.

[chuckling]

Fresh.

[crew laughing]

[man] Yummy!