Original subtitles

[opening theme music playing]

America, kids are like oysters.

Especially when it comes down to doing homework

'cause they like to clam up and pretend like they don't have any.

See, that's why it's the parents' job

to dig 'em out of the mud and get 'em to open up.

Then once you do that,

you could be that little bit of grit that get inside the shell,

just irritates them. I like that.

'Cause it's the little grain of sand that makes the pearl.

Remember that, America.

Oysters…

[slurps]

'Cause if you can't put up with the grit… shuck 'em.

We better move, or we're going to be late.

The teachers ain't going nowhere.

They'll be there when we get there.

Come on, let me finish my dinner.

You know, you don't have to go. Parent night is optional.

Oh, no, I want to go.

I want to find out what you don't want me to know.

That's why I'm going to go.

I'm doing a science project.

Oh, yeah?

Everyone has to make a model insect.

I'm making a dung beetle.

What's a dung?

I think it's a topic that can wait till after dinner.

Dung's cow poop, stupid.

[Bernie Mac] Hey, hey, hey.

You can see we're eating dinner, man. Come on.

That's what the beetles do with their dung.

They stick it in their mouth and mash it up

[garbled] …that comes streaming out. Mmm.

This boy done messed up my appetite. I'll take my pie in the truck.

Stinkin'…

-I want pie. -[Wanda] Stay here

-and eat your dinner. -Okay.

In… in truth, Vanessa is one of my favorite students.

Thank you, man. You know what?

I like to think that we do a good job on keeping up on her.

Actually, I have a theory.

I firmly believe that most kids are like oysters.

-Uh, Bernie-- -No, actually, I agree with you, Bernie.

I… I think that if anything, Vanessa needs to come out of her shell.

Uh, she does in gymnastics.

And… and that's fine. That's great.

But, you know, I just…

I'd like to see her do something that challenges her mind.

Any suggestions?

Student government?

Uh, no, definitely not.

What you talking about?

Your teacher said you'd make a great class officer.

Okay, why don't I just run for president?

As a suggestion.

Or how about one of the lesser offices like class treasurer?

Why don't I just join Mathletes?

Uh, excuse you, Miss Thing.

I was class treasurer of my sophomore year

and by my senior year, I was class president.

Yeah, but I'm not like you…

-I can't win an election. -Boo.

What you talking about?

You a Mac.

You could do anything you put your mind to it.

[school bell ringing]

No one's going to wear these.

All right, buttons.

Can we have some?

Sure.

It doesn't matter.

They're just gonna make you throw them away.

Why?

-Ow! -[laughing]

Excuse me.

Who wants money?

I'll take some.

"In Chelsea We Trust."

This isn't money.

They're coupons.

They're good for free video games at my dad's arcade.

Score.

Want one, Vanessa?

Oh, it's on.

It's on.

[Bernie Mac] What the hell is that?

It's a dung ball.

Isn't it glorious?

It's foul!

I know. I added extra stink.

What happened to the beetle?

I didn't get around to that yet.

You mean to tell me you spent a whole week

-building a pile of-- -[woman] Shh.

It is time to judge the projects.

Judge 'em? Whoo!

It's a cricket and when you rub its hind legs, it really chirps.

[chirping]

[chirping continues]

It's a walking stick, but it's also a pen.

I made one for everybody.

The spider's body is made from…

Mmm…

-Marzipan. -Marzipan.

[exhales]

Uncle Bernie, can I ask you something?

Yeah, Jordan, yeah.

Am I slow?

America, is that the saddest thing you ever heard?

The poor kid.

He puts his blood, his sweat,

and God knows what else into this… this thing.

He brings it here, all proud, and they make him feel like…

like a pile of this.

America, you saw those projects.

Not a single one done by them.

You gonna tell me some 8-year-old made a remote control ladybug?

I don't think so.

America, it's downright shameful.

At least my kids do their own work.

And they gonna keep on doing their own work.

And if they try to compete and they can't and they get "F"? Well, fine.

At least they earned 'em.

And if they try to go to college and they can't get in, that's fine, too.

They can live at home.

Oh, no.

So, Jordan, what is it that you got to make, a monastery?

A Spanish mission for our unit on California history.

Uh-huh. Show me what you got to build.

-I want to build San Luis Obispo. -Uh-huh.

See, it was built in this place called the Valley of the Bears.

When the Spanish guys were building it, they kept on getting attacked by bears.

So I want to have the monks getting eaten by bears, like this…

Hold, hold, Jordan, Jordan.

Look at this crib. This sharp, man.

It has a bell tower and everything.

A working aqueduct.

What do you say we build this?

Yeah! And can the aqueduct run red with the blood of the infidels?

Jordan, you not slow, you're sick.

But I think I like you.

-Um, Uncle Bernie? -Hmm?

I could really use your help on my campaign election.

What's the problem, baby?

Okay, well, there's this stupid girl, Chelsea,

and she thinks she's so smart

and, you know, I knew my buttons were whack,

but she comes up and says, "Ugh! Those buttons are whack."

Oh, and then, she was passing out bills that her dad made.

Oh… Okay.

I see how they want to play.

Don't worry about it, Nessa.

I got your back.

Whatever you need, you let me know. I got you.

-What I need… -Mm-hmm?

…is you.

All right!

Now we're firing on both cylinders.

See, Bernie Mac gonna school those schools.

See, America, when all the parents started meddling,

they didn't know what they was messing with. Oh, no.

See, Bernie Mac may only be an uncle, but I could still bring on the Big Daddy.

I mean the Big Daddy. 'Cause I'm the Mac.

-Son, what you doin'? -[bell rings]

I want to do something.

-You want to do something? -Yeah.

-Go on in the kitchen, get me a pop. -But I want to help.

That helps me. I can't work when I'm thirsty, okay?

[Jordan groans]

Wow.

Ooh, this is really coming along.

Nice, eh? Real nice.

What part did you build, Jordan?

Well, nothing yet.

But after Uncle Bernie's done, he's got to let me add these.

See, the Native Americans were always attacking the missions.

-Hey, hey, hey. -'Cause then--

Jordan! Jordan!

-Look… think you doin'? -Bernie, Bernie.

Baby, it took me hours to put this thing together,

-then Quasimodo come along-- -And what?

Tries to get involved in his own project?

-Kinda, sorta. -Okay, well,

it's his assignment, remember?

Come on, now, let the boy contribute.

Here.

America, my baby's right.

You know she's right.

This is Jordan's project.

But it's my hard work, and the boy's ruined it.

Look at this mess.

Look like a P-Funk concert.

The thing was perfect.

It don't need no mother ship connection.

It's mine!

All mine!

-[applause] -[Craig] You all know me.

I'm Craig Sullivan.

I'm running for vice president.

Here's my speech.

[cheering]

[roars]

Thank you, Mr… Sullivan.

Now, we'll hear from Vanessa Thomkins.

Vanessa?

[light applause]

Um…

I'm Vanessa and everybody usually gives a speech,

so I thought I wouldn't do that.

Too late.

You had your turn, Mr. Sullivan.

So, I made this.

Hi, I'm Vanessa, and I'm runnin for class treasurer.

Now, I know that during the course of this election

a lot of people have been asking you

how you would improve the school.

But since we can't actually burn it down,

I thought someone should ask the faculty instead.

[Vanessa] Mr. Duff?

Mr. Duff, could I speak with you for a minute?

Yeah, you can speak.

Mr. Duff, how would you improve our school?

[slurred speech] I'm gonna tell you how you improve your school.

You improve your school by having less students.

[laughing]

Once you have less students,

you improve your school.

[stuttering] Uh, uh, uh, yes, uh… What I always felt

what the student needed most was a… a rotunda

where the student government could meet with a huge

capital dome.

I've always felt that.

[raspy] I'll tell you how you can improve the school,

more book-working and less horseplay.

This is what horseplay will get you.

And you know what? I didn't even see it coming.

[Vanessa] You all know our principal, Mr. Gates.

I want to institute a policy of student principal for a day.

You really think that would improve the school?

Who cares? I just want out of this zoo.

[tires screeching]

[applause and cheering]

Simmer down.

Simmer down, people.

Now that was Vanessa Thom--

Mac.

[applause]

[chanting] Mac! Mac! Mac!

A toast to the winners.

Whoo-hoo!

Your dad was so awesome in that video.

Actually, he's my uncle.

Who cares?

We should get him to host the talent show.

-Hey! -I don't know.

Doing it.

I'm vice president.

Talent show? What that got to do with treasurer, baby?

It's a fund-raiser, and we're raising money.

And I don't ever ask you for anything. Please?

Oh, look at that baby.

Already in office one day, she use her political muscle.

Oh, honey, just do it.

Okay. And I'll give you the whole Mac attack, baby.

I mean, all of it.

Oh, yeah, baby.

Please don't act like that when we get there.

Well, this is impressive!

Jordan, are those real tiles?

I… I think I can field that end.

They're Lee Press-On Nails.

Bringing the Projects to the project.

Actually, this isn't the original roof.

-Sure it is. -Uh-uh.

Yes, it is. I only built one roof.

I mean, together.

I'm talking about the real mission.

The mission in San Diego actually had three roofs in its history.

The first was made out of wood, like this.

Ah! Now when did you make that?

I've had a lot of spare time.

Be careful, Jordan.

Actually, the Native Americans didn't like the monks,

because they tried to convert them to Christianity

and make them learn Spanish and other atrocities.

Why you looking at me when you say that?

So one night, they attacked the mission.

But they soon found out

that they were no match for the Spanish firearms.

Jordan…

That's when they torched the roof.

Jordan, Jordan, Jordan!

-Ha-ha! -Jordan, Jordan!

[screaming]

[laughing maniacally]

♪ Fire ♪

Whoa! Ahhh!

[children screaming]

I'm down here, America.

Yoo-hoo.

Right here.

How you like that?

America, I break my back for those doggone kids,

and what's they thanks?

They break my back.

Well, that's it.

You think I'm playing?

You mark my words:

I will never, ever do nothing for those kids.

Oh, God.

Nessa's talent show tonight.

America, I got to…

Help me up. Help me up.

Wanda, ain't no way. I can't go, I can't do it, I can't do it.

Oh, I want to die. I really, really want to die.

Nessa, you know I'm not playing. You know I'd do anything for you.

If I could, I would.

I took four pain pills, they ain't working.

[sighs] Everybody's going to hate me.

Sweetie, do you want me to come with you for moral support?

[Vanessa moans]

I'm sorry, honey.

Let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go. Come on.

Are you kidding? You're kidding.

Tell me you're kidding.

Because if you're not kidding, this is so not good.

Oh, my God.

It's so not good.

Look, uh, I'd leave town if I were you,

'cause when people find out there's no Bernie Mac,

they're going for your throat.

Craig.

What? It's the only reason people voted for her.

Shut up, Sully.

All right, all right.

Sully has left the building.

Well, I guess I should tell the people.

Don't worry, Vanessa. I'll handle it.

All right, let's have a round of applause for Ian here.

Thank you, Ian.

Brittany, do you really think that's the only reason people voted for me?

Completely.

But only a jerk like Craig would say it to your face.

[audience booing]

Uncle Bernie, I brought you a drink.

Oh, Jordan. Thank you, son.

Mmm.

Jordan, I'm sorry about your project.

But you learned a lot, didn't you?

Jordan, I am so proud of you.

Wow.

Uncle Bernie, I like you on painkillers.

Yeah?

I'm nicer, huh?

[pills rattle]

Hey… I love you.

I feel good, America.

Doctor gave me a subscription.

Mmm, actually, America, I feel kind of bad.

I let Nessa down.

I wish there was something I could do.

Wait, there is, America.

Don't worry.

The Mac Man ain't operating no heavy machinery.

Excuse me, America, I got to make a phone call.

I got…

I got it.

Hey, kid.

How you holding up?

Mmm.

I brought someone who wants to meet you.

Your uncle called in some reinforcements.

Oh, my gosh.

Nessa, this is India.Arie.

Hi.

You're such a pretty chocolate chip.

I hear it's a tough crowd out there.

Well, do you think they'd mind if I sing?

We going to get 'em. I got your back.

[audience grumbling]

All right, fine, I couldn't get Bernie Mac.

[audience boos]

But I did get someone better than Bernie Mac.

So give it up for India.Arie.

[grumbling]

Sorry, India, I guess they don't want you.

[audience gasping]

[applauding and cheering]

This is for my girl Vanessa.

Let me tell you why I love him.

♪ 'Cause he is the truth ♪

♪ Said he is so real ♪

♪ And I love the way ♪

♪ That he makes me feel ♪

♪ And if I am a reflection of him ♪

♪ Then I must be fly ♪

♪ Because his light, it shines So bright, I wouldn't lie ♪

♪ I remember the very first day That I saw him ♪

♪ I found myself immediately Intrigued by him ♪

♪ It's almost like I knew this man From another life ♪

♪ Like back when maybe I was his husband ♪

♪ Maybe he was my wife ♪

♪ And even the things I don't like about him ♪

♪ Are fine with me ♪

♪ 'Cause it's not hard for me To understand him ♪

♪ 'Cause he's so much like me ♪

♪ And it's truly my pleasure To share his company ♪

♪ And I know that it's God's gift ♪

♪ To breathe The air he breathes ♪

♪ 'Cause he is the truth ♪

♪ Said he is so real ♪

♪ And I love the way ♪

♪ That he makes me feel ♪

♪ And if I am A reflection of him ♪

♪ Then I must be fly ♪

♪ Because his light It shines so bright, oh… ♪

Oh, I still can't believe it.

Oh, my God. She was so cool.

Well, congratulations, Nessa.

Sounds like it was a huge success, huh?

Yeah, it was.

Come and tell me, come on.

I just wish I had something to do with it.

What you talking about?

Oh, come on, it's not like I could have called up Inda.Arie.

Face it, Uncle Bernie, that was all you.

Okay, okay, maybe it was me,

but, baby, you still got the tools to be great in student government.

Yeah, but I'm not great at it now,

and I don't really like it.

It's not my thing, and that's why I'm quitting.

Come on, now, Nessa. What do you mean, "quitting"?

You're a Mac. We don't quit at nothing.

Baby, give me one reason why you should quit.

Uh, honey, I think she just gave you three.

All right, Nessa, listen.

The reason we encourage you,

because you got so much potential, sweetheart.

We try to give you something that you can believe in yourself.

Oh, I do believe in myself.

And I know that I don't want to hang out with dorks like Sully.

But I do want to hang out with people like India.Arie.

That's what I believe, okay?

Okay, Nessa.

-Wow. -Good night.

Wanda, maybe we can do--

You know what?

I think we should let her find her own thing.

-Might be right. -Mm-hmm.

I believe Wanda's right.

Kids really do find their own way, in their own time.

We did.

And if they're gonna learn, they're gonna learn

whether we poke 'em or prod 'em or not.

I mean, look at Jordan.

All that stuff he learned about Spanish monks

and dung beetles and all that without me.

Hell, in spite of me.

And you know, maybe kids aren't oysters.

Maybe kids are the pearls.

Think about it.

[Vanessa] ♪ Said he is so real ♪

♪ And I love the way ♪

♪ That he makes me feel ♪

♪ And if I am a reflection of him ♪

♪ Then I must be fly ♪

♪ Because his light, it shines So bright, I wouldn't lie… ♪

I take that back, America.

That's not a pearl.

That's a diamond.

A diamond in the rough.

[singing continues]

Listen to that.

♪ It's almost like I knew This man from another life ♪

I never knew that.

♪ Maybe I was his husband Maybe he was my wife… ♪

I never knew that.

[singing continues]

You go, girl.

Shoot.

[chuckling]

Fresh.

[crew laughing]

[man] Yummy!