Original subtitles

[opening theme music playing]

I'm worried, America.

It's the boy.

There ain't no way to sugar foot around it,

so I'm just going to come out and say it.

That's right… he's odd… funny.

Not "Ha, ha," funny, you know.

Off. Now, don't get me wrong, he's a Mac and I love him,

but he ain't like the rest of us.

He's a little different.

I know it, we all know it. Always have.

He like Marilyn on The Munsters…

she a little strange,

she wasn't like the rest of them.

From the very first weekend he got here.

See, you know, they didn't bring any toys when they first came

so Wanda and I took them all up to the Citywalk, you know,

and let 'em pick out anything they like, right?

Well, there was this magic shop…

I want this!

His name's Wooden Willie.

Isn't he great?

[Bernie Mac] Yeah, Jordan, he is great,

but I don't know, you'll probably get tired of him.

No, I won't. I promise.

You said I could have anything.

Yeah, Jordan, I know, but, I--

I'm a million miles from Chicago. I have no friends.

[Bernie Mac] You would've done the same doggone thing.

I mean, what kind of kid want a ventriloquist's dummy?

I tell you what kind. A dummy. Please.

Like I'm going to have Willie Tyler and Lester up in this piece.

Now, y'all think about it. Nobody'd want to live like that.

Yeah, I dodged the bullet.

So how was I supposed to know the bullet would ricochet?

Bing, bing, bing!

Hand me that ketchup.

Watch, watch.

[Bernie Mac] Jordan.

Alla-kazan, alla-kazon.

I wave my hands, and this ketchup is gone!

Good, good. Now bring my ketchup back.

I can't, Uncle Bernie. It's vanished.

I'm standing now, Jordan, bring back my ketchup.

Wait, I have something in my eye.

[screams]

Oh, not my eye!

Anything but my eye! [mock screams]

[laughs]

Oh, it's creamer.

Poof?

Don't encourage him.

Oh. Well, that was kind of good, though.

America, this boy is driving me crazy.

I'm telling you… Look, America, I keep hoping inside my heart

that this boy lose interest in this magic crap,

but if he doesn't, America, I got a problem.

What I need to know…

How do you know if this kid had a genuine passion

or just a normal interest that you could discourage or squash?

Penn, Teller, y'all got to help me, man.

You know, uh, Bernie, magicians can be

some of the geekiest freaks you'll ever meet, you know that.

But there's an upside, right?

I mean, you can take a complete loser, teach him magic,

and it gives him the confidence

he might need to act in a normal social situation.

I mean, look at Teller.

He's been doing magic since he was six years old.

It's brought him out of his shell loosened up… Look.

-Wow, I never looked at it like that. -Yeah.

So, magic helped you meet people

-and create friends, right? -Yeah, look at him.

He could sell you a car.

He… he don't talk.

No. You'll warm up to him after a while.

He likes you.

I'm so lucky Miss Spellman made you my lab partner.

We're totally going to get a B+ on this.

[chuckles] You know what?

-I think we need more green balls. -Mm-hmm.

What?

You have a quarter in your head.

-What? -I have X-ray vision.

You don't believe me?

Hey, that's pretty good.

You like magic?

I guess it's all right.

Wow. Most people hate it.

Then why do you do it?

You're pretty funny, kid.

Jordan, get out!

I bought the boy the magic kit just to shut the boy up.

I didn't think he was going to become obsessed with it.

Well, honey, everybody has their thing.

What's your thing?

Come on, baby, you know mine's comedy.

But comedy's cool. Look at Richard Pryor.

Women love comedy.

What's the first thing a woman like about a man?

Sense of humor.

Woman don't care about no man pulling no rabbit out of slacks.

Yeah, well, David Copperfield had Claudia Schiffer.

Yeah. Siegfried had Roy.

I mean, how the boy…

Why the boy don't become obsessed with something normal?

First it was bugs, now it's magic.

What he going to become obsessed with next?

["This Magic Moment" playing]

♪ This magic moment ♪

♪ So different and so new ♪

♪ Was like any other ♪

♪ Until I kissed you ♪

♪ And then it happened ♪

♪ It took me by surprise ♪

♪ I knew that you felt it, too ♪

♪ By the look in your eyes ♪

Oh, my God, all my sorority stuff.

[chuckles] Oh…

Wow, I haven't seen this stuff in years.

[laughs]

Garbage!

Aunt Wanda.

-Yes, sweetie? -Can I talk to you?

Yeah.

What do you do when you…

like someone?

You mean, like a girl?

Jordan, you like a girl?

Oh, that's so sweet. Who is she?

You're blushing!

Do we know her?

Yes. Yes! Did y'all hear that, America?

The boy is normal! I knew he was.

Hallelujah!

I mean, forgive my exuberance, America.

I know that boy just got a little harmless crush.

The first of many.

But if the Mac Boy wants to be a Mac Man,

he gotta learn the way of the Mac.

And what I know… you can't buy in no store. [chuckles]

First of all, Jordan, you got to be real smooth, okay?

Now, let me hear your opening line.

Hi, I'm Jordan.

[giggles]

Right line, wrong delivery.

Son, you go to put a little bit more swerve in it a little more bass.

Like this. Dig this, here.

Say, hey, good-lookin'.

I couldn't help but notice you on the monkey bars.

You want to climb the jungle gym with a real swinger?

Oh, please. Jordan, just be your own sweet self.

Baby, we trying to get the girl, okay?

He will.

[clears throat] And then all of a sudden, Jordan,

you smooth up on her real nice and tight,

then you put your arms around her…

[sniffs]

Boy, you ripe.

You spoiled.

And that's rule number one.

You have to understand something about women.

Women don't like a man to smell like an onion, right?

-No. -Okay? Now, come on.

I'm going to take you upstairs, going to smooth you out some.

Put "Smell-Goods" on you. Come on.

[sniffs]

Ugh…

You know what?

I envy Jordan, America. First crush, young love.

It's a magical time in a young man's life,

and I was just about the same age when I first was afflicted.

What was her name?

I think her name was Loretta Washington.

Yeah. She gave me a little stuffed bear

that said, "I Wuv You Bear-y Much."

She swiped it from the Quickie-Mart on the corner.

Now, America, that's love, boy.

I cherish that thing.

"I Wuv You Bear-y Much."

Hmm.

Oh, that can go.

What?

Bernie, these are all your old love letters.

I know. [laughs]

♪ Garbage! ♪

Hold on, hold on, Wanda.

How you think I might want to keep all that stuff?

What? What, this ratty old thing?

Why you going to keep this?

It's not that I want to keep it. I just didn't throw it away, baby.

Come on, come on, come on, Wanda! Come on, now.

Okay, look, baby, you could throw this away,

or I'll throw it away for you.

One less step.

["Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic" playing]

♪ Though I've tried Before to tell her ♪

♪ Of the feelings I have For her in my heart ♪

♪ Every time that I come near her ♪

♪ I just lose my nerve ♪

♪ As I've done from the start ♪

[popping]

♪ Every little thing She does is magic ♪

♪ Everything she do Just turns me on ♪

♪ Even though my life Before was tragic ♪

♪ Now I know My love for her goes on ♪

♪ Do I have to tell the story… ♪

That was so awesome! [giggling]

You're so lucky.

I wish I had a talent.

You don't need a talent.

Your talent is being the prettiest girl in the whole wide world.

You're so sweet.

Jill?

Uh, I've got to go.

Jill, wait!

You make me sick!

[door slams]

[exhales]

"Kitchen stuff," Bernie?

You didn't throw away a damn thing!

Come on. What you care? They mine.

Do you have any idea how insulting it is

that you are holding onto love letters from old girlfriends?

I mean, would you like it if I kept letters from old boyfriends?

I wouldn't mind. I got you now. [chuckles]

[mock chuckles]

That's even more insulting. I ought to…

-Come on, come on, Wanda. -Uncle Bernie, she kissed me!

What? You hear that, baby?

The boy got his first kiss.

Congratulations, son!

What did I say, America?

The boy's a Mac, and all Macs can mack, I told you.

Well, jiminy, I don't know a lot about macking,

but I do know a little bit about women,

and they like magic tricks, shiny stuff, and cash.

The boy didn't have any cash or shiny stuff,

so I think it was the magic.

Oh, come on, man… Playa hatin'.

It wasn't no doggone magic, it was the Mac, I tell you!

No, no, no. Let me tell you something.

For years, Teller wasn't getting any action.

Learned magic, now he's got more girls

than he can shake his stick at.

Go ahead, Teller, show him the trick that got you your first piece.

-That's a bean. Show him the bean. -Uh-huh.

Puts the bean right on his tongue, there, see?

Now watch this.

Imagine you're on a date, and you're doing this, okay?

Now you've got her attention. Now she's watching.

-Now she's watching him carefully, right? -[guttural sound]

You're showing her that your sinuses are wide open and that…

Get your hand out there.

Now this… is intimacy.

Ah…

See? Even worked on you, didn't it?

Stank in there.

That is nasty.

Yeah. Sexy, too.

Good going, freak.

Now Jill says she doesn't want to be my lab partner.

I hope you're happy.

You cost me a B+.

Uh, what's this about Jill?

Ask him, he's the one who made out with her.

It was making out? Yes! I knew it…

Hold on, wait, wait. You mean to tell me the girl you like is, uh--

Jill!

So you telling me, Jordan,

I helped you make out with a 14-year-old?

You helped him? God, you're both sick!

[musical bear plays]

A 14-year-old girl, America.

See, I told you the Mac mojo was strong.

I mean, I'm talking about potent stuff.

See, I never should've put the power into the hands of a small boy.

And now look, he's headed for a big-time heartache.

And I feel terrible.

You know, I'm beginning to think

Jordan had the right idea being a magician.

'Cause see, magic isn't real. Just a bunch of tricks.

But when the lady stick the sword into the box,

it doesn't hurt like this is going to hurt him.

So, why did you have to label it "kitchen stuff"?

-[rustling] -Oh, come on, Wanda.

It's the principle, Bernie.

Uncle Bernie, could one of you guys take me to a florist?

-I've got to buy my baby some flowers. -Hold on.

Jordan, why didn't you tell me

the girl that you liked was your sister age?

Why does it matter?

Jordan, come on, sit down.

We… we need to talk, man. We need to talk.

-Jordan-- -Uh…

Go ahead, go ahead, baby.

Honey, this might be a little difficult to understand,

but, um,

the problem is, is that Jill

-is a lot older than you are. -[Bernie Mac] Mm-hmm.

And girls mature faster than boys.

So?

I'm afraid that Jill doesn't like you the way you like her.

I don't like her, I love her.

Now, hold on, hold on.

Listen up, pimp.

What's she trying to tell you is that you might get hurt, Jordan.

Oh, Jill wouldn't hurt me. I mean, we banged teeth a little bit,

but we'll work on it.

Um… Jordan…

You didn't tell Jill how you're feeling?

That's a great idea!

I'll go right now!

It's… [quietly] not a suggestion.

Uh-oh.

I think I, uh, better make his favorite tonight.

Yeah, 'cause they fall hard at his age, you know that.

Mmm.

I wonder how long it's going to take him to get over this.

If he ever will.

You know what, Bernie?

You can keep the box, it's fine.

I'm okay with it.

Really, Wan?

No.

But I'm not going to make you throw out your memories.

[knocking]

What are you doing here?

I thought you'd want to make out.

I got 20 minutes till the street lights come on.

Are you dense or something?

What do you think? You're my boyfriend?

Like I'm going to go out with some 8-year-old dork magician.

I'm nine.

Who cares?

-Would you please just get lost? -But…

But… but we kissed!

[squeals]

And if you tell anybody that, I'll kill you.

I swear.

[rock music playing]

♪ Love stinks ♪

♪ Love stinks ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Love stinks ♪

♪ Love stinks ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

[grunting]

♪ Love stinks ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Love stinks ♪

♪ Love stinks ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

[soft music begins playing]

♪ I left my home ♪

♪ I left my home ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Where I should go ♪

♪ Where I should go ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Nothin's gonna save you ♪

♪ Nothin's gonna Save you out there ♪

-Vanessa? -What?

I know Jill's not talking to you, but did she say anything about me?

Are you high?

-She said, "hi"? -[laughs]

[groans]

Hey, you really liked her, didn't you?

You know what? Jill's not right for you.

I don't care that she's older.

That's not it.

She's an idiot.

You're just saying that to make me feel better.

Jordan, I would never say anything just to make you feel better.

Hey, champ, feel a little better?

A little.

Hey, Jordan, uh, where your… your magic stuff?

I don't see your magic stuff.

-I threw it out. -Why would you do that?

Because magic's for dorks.

Who told you that?

What does it matter? You never liked it anyway.

Jordan, it really don't matter what I like.

You love magic.

Well, I love Jill, too, and look what that got me.

[sighs]

Jordan, come here.

Listen.

Jordan, as you grow up, you're going to have a bunch of crushes.

They're going to come and go.

But when you really love something…

I mean really, really love something, you're going to hold on to it.

And you're going to keep the things that you really love

and you're going to throw out the things that you don't.

And, son, that's what magic means to you, Jordan.

Yeah, maybe someday.

You know, you just hate to see your loved ones suffer.

I wish I could ease the boy pain, but I can't.

See, there's no good medicine for a broken heart.

That's part of life, America, and you just have to let it run its course.

And it will. In time.

But the sad thing about it, America, it robbed the boy of his magic.

Now, if I can give that back to him, I cleave, oh, Lord, I would.

It's a shame, Bernie.

You know, he should've never gone

-with the queen rising trick. -[snaps fingers]

That's rookie stuff. He should've gone with fire.

You know, Bernie, chicks dig… chicks dig fire.

Just, you can do…

Wow.

Get that going.

Wow.

Give it a try, Bernie.

[smacks lips]

Go ahead, just… Yeah, open your mouth and put it in.

Ain't no meat on it.

Wow.

No, no, no, man. What's wrong with y'all?

This is crazy.

If I catch that boy doing that,

I'm going to clap him right across the jaw.

This is crazy.

Both of y'all, y'all weird.

You and… and your…

And… and you and the mute stuff.

You know, you… you act like his dummy.

[ding]

-Dummy… -[ding]

[chuckles]

Might need an idea later.

Jordan, honey, dinner!

[Jordan] I'm not hungry.

Come on out here.

I got somebody special want to see you.

-[Jordan] Who is it? -Don't worry about it.

Come out and see it.

Wooden Willy!

Thank you!

Thank you!

[scoffs] Great. The dummy's got his dummy. Now can we eat?

Ugh, I am sick of Swedish meatballs.

He's funny lookin'.

Well, I got a kid making my funny faces.

What's your excuse?

All right. Enough of the funny jokes.

Come on, let's eat.

No more potatoes for you, fatso.

You have more chins than a Chinese phone book.

What's this, an audience or a mosaic?

I never thought I'd say this, but…

I miss the stupid magic.

Young love.

I remember I hid in the bushes and she fell down,

and I actually fell on top of her.

And I tried to get up, but she pulled me back down.

[chuckles] I said, "What you doing?"

You know…

Think I was about six.

I used a condom.