Original subtitles

[theme music playing]

I'm sorry, America. I just read baby girl five bedtime books in a row.

My brain is goo.

What is it with these doggone children's books?

Or why they still make 'em so damn simple?

"'A' is for apple." No kidding.

A hundred years of children's books and it's still all they got.

And it's not those books, it's the audio tape,

or the videos, television show.

Where's Waldo?

Where the hell is Bernie Mac's life?

Look at this, I know this by heart.

[in falsetto] "And he jumped over the canyon."

[upbeat music playing]

Thank you for all your help.

Hey, hey, hey.

Stop skipping in this…

This is a place of business.

We're gonna get your ballet shoes, and that's it, we're leaving. Come on.

[indistinct chatter]

-Nobody talking about you. -Ow!

Come on, quit being nosy. Come on!

Aunt Wanda!

-[thump] -[shrieks]

[cackles]

[Wanda] Excuse me.

Come on, don't worry about it.

[Wanda] Hi, baby. Hi.

Hey, hey, baby. Hey. Hey.

-Honey, remember Duke? -Hey!

-Yes, I do! Wassup? -Big Dog! Big Mac, man.

[both] Good to see you.

-Hey, kids, say hey to Duke. -[kids] Hi.

Hi, how you doing?

I'll leave you two to talk, I'll get Bryana's shoes.

-I'll come with you. -Okay.

-What's goin' on? -Things are great.

-Uncle Bernie, can I have some candy? -No. Get down from there, baby girl.

You know better than that. Stop it.

-It's okay. -It's not okay. They don't need anything.

So, so what's going on?

Things are great, man.

Thanks to your wife there. We closed a awesome deal.

-No kidding? -We don't know what we'd do without her.

-Uncle Bernie. Can I have this? -Whoa… Put that down! Put that down!

-Put your hand in your pocket. -That's sharp.

Yeah, uh, Duke, I see you travel a lot, huh?

Yeah, yeah. Well, it comes with the territory.

Yeah, I see-- Jordan! Jor-Jordan!

Put both your hands in your pocket, right now!

I used travel a lot, man, you know, before I got the kids.

-Yeah… -You know?

-Yeah. -[Bryana] Uncle Bernie!

-I'm telling you… -Uncle Bernie!

-[Duke] Do that. Take some time. -Uncle Bernie!

Baby girl, baby girl…

-Uncle Bernie! -Baby girl, baby girl.

-Baby girl, stop it! -Uncle Bernie!

-Uh, yeah. That's expensive. -I don't know.

-Yeah, yeah… -Help!

Look at this fool here.

Help! [shrieks]

-Oh, Lord… -I hope you choke to death. Go on.

Um, uh, look, Duke…

-[Bryana] Uncle Bernie! -It's time for us to get out of here.

Hey, here's the shoes.

Baby, we gonna get on out of here.

Come on, come on, kids.

-Bryana office… -Come on. Let's go!

Let's go. But, look…

Uh… [clears throat] Last call. We gonna get out of here.

-Duke, it's nice meeting you, man. -Yeah.

Anybody got to go to the potty? Nessa?

Hello! I'm 14.

Okay. We gonna get on out of here. Baby girl, come on.

-[Wanda] Okay. -Okay?

-All right. -I'll see you at home.

Bye, kids.

-[chuckles awkwardly] -Sorry?

[R&B music playing]

Kids in bed?

Finally.

I know one thing, I'm telling baby girl tomorrow

I'm reading her four books instead of five.

-[laughs] -[groans]

Tell me about your day. Your boss was telling me about some thingamajig

you did for some whatchamacallit?

Oh, Bernie, it was so exciting.

I still can't believe that our client came in

and basically handed us their entire western region,

with the promise that when the GMI merger is complete,

that we will get to implement the new system as well…

[Bernie] Damn, did I make the kids' lunches?

Oh, I'll do it in the morning.

Jordan's gonna wanna want pudding.

Oh, that boy makes me so doggone mad.

Boy got his tie caught in the shredder. Now I got to get him a new one.

You don't know how long I've been working for this.

Wait… What was my baby saying? Shoot, I missed the story.

Maybe I should just…

[yawning] …just nod…

My eyes are getting heavy.

…huge write-up in all of the major LA business journals…

-I must… listen. -And get this…

Focus.

Damn… kids…

Good night, moon.

[alarm beeping]

That's great… Baby.

[beeping continues]

[man on TV] The forecast, mostly…

-[yawning] Hey, baby. -Hey, honey.

Hey, honey, I'm sorry about last night.

-Oh, sweetie, it's okay. -No, it's not okay.

You was telling me about your big day. I wanna hear about it.

Don't worry, baby, it's no big deal.

Whoa, whoa, "no big deal"?

America, that's my wife.

I don't want no marriage that's on autopilot.

Next thing you know, we'll sleep in separate beds,

I'll be calling her "Mother." I ain't having that.

Since those damn kids turnin' my brain into mush,

and it ain't just me, America, it's happening to you.

If you don't believe me, check it out.

You have a good day, baby girl.

-Bye, Uncle Bernie. -Okay, be good, hear?

-[woman] Bye, honey! -[child] Mom, I'm going in now.

After school, we'll go to the parkie-warkie

for some icie-wizies.

I wuv you, Davey-wavey.

Don't forget to dwink all your moo-moo milk today.

Davey-wavey, boo-boo-baby-boo!

Do you see what I'm saying?

-[cell phone ringing] -[man] Bye.

-Hello? -Hey, honey.

We've been invited to a party on Saturday.

Oh, baby, I don't know. I don't think I'm up to no party.

All those kids, their sticky hands, pawing and clawing at me…

No, honey. We've been invited by Duke

and his wife for a dinner party.

-An adult party? -Mmm-hmm.

Ho! I'm going to an adult party!

Party… I'm going grown folks' party.

You ever been to an adult party?

Hey, baby, excuse me. [clears throat]

I'm going to an adult party.

It's an adult party, America.

An adult party. [chuckles]

Will there be drinking and cussing?

The place looks clean to me. You think we should try it?

-It might be all right. -How much money you got saved?

-Uh-uh, I don't do that. -[Bernie] Vanessa.

Baby, what's that one-eyed girl name up the street?

Cyclops. [chuckles]

Um… Amy.

I want her to babysit y'all Saturday.

-Babysitter? -Yeah.

Me and Aunt Wanda are going out to a party.

I don't know why you're so worried about a babysitter.

I mean, you should just be thinking

about going out to your party and enjoying yourself.

Enjoying myself?

Yeah, and I'll watch the kids.

-No. -It'll be my pleasure.

-No. -I'll feed 'em.

I'll put 'em to bed and read 'em a few stories,

then I'll kick back and have a good cigar.

-What? -I'm just kidding. A joke.

Bernie, I think that Vanessa can watch them for a few hours

just as well as anyone else can.

God knows she's watched them a million times in Chicago.

-[Vanessa] Mmm-hmm. -I don't know.

Just don't feel right for a prisoner to watch the prisoners.

I'll give you the family discount.

You're not gon' give me anything. I'm gon' take the family discount.

I'm gon' tell you one thing too.

If anything happen, I'm gonna hold you responsible.

[Bernie] You know what, man? This spot here is real nice.

-It's real nice. -Thank you. Glad you could make it.

Yeah. This what I'm talking about, man.

Good food, good people, man, and no kids.

[chuckling] Yeah, yeah.

Well, Bernie brought the kids by the office today.

Really? How many do you have?

Um, I have three,

but I don't want to talk about it, not tonight.

Oh, come on! Do you have any pictures?

Oh, yes! Pictures. Yes, we do.

-Oh, great! -Baby, come on, now--

Show them. Here you go. [chuckles]

[women] Oh!

-Wow, Bernie, you must've spit him out. -No, that's my sister's…

My sister spit him out. My sister.

This one right here, this one right here?

-That's the one that broke my shredder. -Aw…

Yeah, he breaks a lot of stuff.

-[Vicki] Oh, they're so cute! -Yeah.

Forgive him. Aw…

All right, you guys, listen up.

After you're done eating your ice cream,

actually brush your teeth, and then you can watch TV.

-[scoffs] Where do you think you're going? -To watch TV.

Not with that ice cream.

If you spill that, Uncle Bernie will have my head.

Just chill. Uncle Bernie's not here.

Yeah, but he left me in charge. Got it?

Okay, Uncle Bernie. You're in charge.

[Vanessa scoffs]

[laughter]

[Robert] Duke, this sushi is amazing.

[Deborah] This is wonderful.

-Are you gonna eat your salmon? -Yeah.

Deborah has four kids of her own.

-Two sets of twins, right? -Uh-huh.

[whispering] In vitro.

Two of whom I am the proud godmother of.

A boy and a girl, Miles and Sophia.

Oh! They are three, and the cutest things you've ever seen.

I have a picture of them from the christening.

They are no bigger than a tennis ball, right?

[chuckling] But they're fine now.

-Deb, remember that day? -…is probably his jet fuel bill?

America, what more could Wanda have to say to that guy?

I mean, she talk to the man each and every day.

Why doesn't Duke talk to his own boring-ass wife?

"How your kids doing?" "Deborah has kids."

"Kids, kids, kids." Shut up!

[children's music playing on TV]

[Vanessa] Look.

Oh, yeah. One in the back. [chuckles]

Yeah, you're in charge, Vanessa.

In charge of the dark.

[Bryana screams]

Okay… time's up.

-Pencils down. -Aw…

Baby, hold on. Hold on. There.

-Pencils down. -[group chuckling]

[Duke] Okay, okay, here we go. Here we go. Ah, yes.

"Famous TV personalities, starting with the letter 'T'."

Ted Koppel.

-Ah, that's good. -That's a good one.

-Tony Danza. -Uh-uh-uh!

Bam! Toni Morrison!

-She's an author. -She's on Oprah all the time.

[Duke] That's right.

-Well, I got Ted Lange. -Who?

"Who"? Ted Lange.

You know… Love Boat.

Oh… oh, yeah.

Shimmy-da shimmy-da, baby.

-[laughter] -Ted Lange.

What you got, Bernie?

I got three "T's."

-Whoa. -[Wanda] Good, baby.

Tony… the… Tiger.

-[growls] -[Robert] Ha!

-[laughter] -Seriously?

Really?

[laughter continues]

Um, baby, we're playing the adult version.

-Haven't you all heard of Tony the Tiger? -Yeah.

-Where? -Pfft. On television.

I rest my case. That's three points.

Give him his three points, baby.

I mean, he got his three points.

I wouldn't have said it.

Uh, de-de-de-de… Things that fly.

I got TWA.

-Ah! -Oh, baby, that's what…

-That's what I had… -I had that too, baby.

I-I got something different.

Tinker Bell.

That's baby girl's favorite.

[laughter]

No, you… no, you didn't just say "Tinker Bell."

[laughter continues]

That's your answer? Tinker Bell?

That's two points.

America, do you see what's going on here?

They're ganging up on me. They're player-hatin'.

Tinker Bell's a good damn answer.

It's not my fault I got those crumb snatchers on my brain.

[suspenseful music playing]

I'm scared.

It's okay, Bryana. Just calm down, okay?

First, we're gonna turn the lights on, and then I'm gonna kill Jordan.

-Ooga-booga-boo! -[shrieks]

-[laughs] -Ugh, you are dead!

[laughing]

-[thud, clattering] -Ow!

Oh, my God, Uncle Bernie's mask.

That's it. You're getting your butt whipped!

Uncle Bernie's not gonna hit me.

Who said anything about Uncle Bernie?

-[slapping] -Ow… Ow!

-Don't! Stop it, please! Ow! -Get him!

-[slapping continues] -[Jordan] Ow! Stop it! Ow! Ow!

Okay, famous…

uh, famous Brits.

-Ah. Tom Jones. -[Duke] Mm…

I have Tony Blair. Bernie?

I-I pass on this one.

-Oh, no, no. Please, tell us. -Come on.

Honey, I saw you writing. What did you put?

Tom Thumb?

[laughter]

Probably more like… [British accent] Tweety Bird.

-[Vicki] Oh! -[laughter]

Y'all, y'all got a joke.

-Come on, honey, let me see. -No, I don't want…

Come on, baby, let me see.

-Wow. -Ooh.

What do you got?

-Tinky Winky. -[laughter]

[Vicki laughs] You've got to be kidding!

Damn!

-[laughter continues] -Tinky Winky?

That's your answer? Tinky Winky?

Man, you made that up.

I didn't make it up.

I didn't. Tinky Winky is a Teletubby.

They come on every morning at 6:30.

Tinky Winky, Dipsy, Po, and Laa-Laa.

-And they're all British. -[Vicki laughing]

-This is ridiculous. -I don't wanna know.

What kind of name is Tinky Winky?

-What kind of damn name is Duke? -[Vicki] Ooh…

Duke is a dog's name.

[whistles] Come here, Duke. Fetch, Duke.

Sit, Duke. [chuckles]

Hey, baby.

Waiting up for your money, huh?

-How'd it go? -It couldn't have gone smoother.

Nessa, you did good.

-[clattering] -You did--

Oh…

Mr. Jacqueway!

I thought you told me everything went good.

Jordan did it.

It was your responsibility. You supposed to be acting like an adult.

You dropped the ball. What the heck am I supposed to do now?

Supposed to hop down to Africa and get an African warrior real quick?

Tape? Oh!

Don't ask me to babysit no more, you hear me?

Hey, baby.

You still ain't talking to me, huh?

-Fine. -You were totally out of line.

-I was out of line? -Yes, you were.

Duke was ganging up on me all night. You both was ganging up on me.

All night was you and him, him and you.

-What's "you and him"? -What you think?

The man bustin' my chops all night. You heaping him on. That's "you and him."

"Tinky Winky"? Come on, honey, you're a comedian.

You can't take a little fun ribbing? It was just a game.

A game me and you supposed to play, baby.

-You're supposed to be on my team. -[scoffs]

Bernie, that was my boss.

My baby ain't got no boss.

You need to apologize.

Apologize?

America, I'm the one that's been wronged.

My woman wants me to apologize.

I ought to pop him right on the top of his nose,

but you know what? Bernie let it go.

If she wants me to apologize, America, fine.

I'll be the bigger man. [scoffs]

She, uh… she over there, my woman, in his…

[mocking laughter]

[scoffs]

[Duke] Yeah, I'll be down there shortly.

Yeah.

You all stay right there, okay?

Hey, Bernie. How you doing, man?

Look, Wanda's out at a meeting. Can I help you?

Look, Duke, I know. I'm here to see you.

Look, the other night, man, some things were said…

Man, hey, there's no need to apologize.

No, no, Duke, I have to apologize, man.

I was out of line. I was a guest in your home and I was out of pocket.

No, no, no, it's completely unnecessary.

Look, look, I understand.

You probably had the kids on your mind.

I see how they drive you crazy. Man, I don't envy you.

And I love that you don't, but I got to apologize to you. I must.

So, I'm saying to you, I apologize.

-I don't accept it. -You got to accept it.

-I refuse. -Look, Duke, let me tell you something--

-[Bryana] Ow! -[Jordan] Uncle Bernie!

-[Bryana whining] -Uncle Bernie!

I thought I told you kids to wait outside.

But I got a splinter.

Excuse me, Duke. Hold on, let me look at it.

Aw! Ain't you a brave little girl.

[chuckles] Don't it hurt?

[wailing]

It didn't until you said something. Thank you.

Hey, I'm sorry. I mean,

I just assumed, girl got a splinter.

Next best thing is to take her to the hospital.

The hospital!

Yeah, maybe they'll have to cut it all off!

-[Bryana screaming] -They ain't gonna cut off nothing.

You ain't helpin' me none.

Look at you, you're going to get blood all over the carpet!

Back up, okay? Back up.

-[crying] -[in falsetto] Don't cry, baby girl.

I'm a splinter bird,

and I'm hungry for some splinter worms.

Do you have some? [in normal voice] I don't have any.

Listen to me, America. Listen to how stupid I sound.

[in falsetto] Splinter worms.

[cackling]

How about you? You have a splinter?

-I think so. -Oh, let me look at it.

Oh, right here? Right here?

Oh, no, no, no, it's okay. Look.

Now, do you still have a splinter?

It's gone.

[cackling] Because it's in my mouth.

[cackling continues]

[in normal voice] See?

You did good, baby girl, and Uncle Bernie's proud of you.

Thank you, Uncle Bernie.

-[applause] -You're welcome.

Now, that's a real man.

Uh, thank you, thank you.

Ah, man, I take it back, man.

I do envy you.

And I apologize, okay?

-Let's go on out of here. -[Jordan] Ow!

[Bernie] When I tell you to do something, do it.

[mellow music playing]

-Jordan's been coughing? -He's doing better now.

I, uh, heard you came by the, uh, office this afternoon. How'd it go?

Duke and I talked. We put aside our differences. We're okay.

You want to talk about it?

Wanda, I'm tired, you know?

Plus I still got to deal with the kids, you know?

A thankless job, but guess what.

-Somebody got to do it. -Oh.

[sighs]

[Bernie] Jordan!

Jordan, tomorrow, I want you to rake that whole yard. You got me?

This is so unfair! Why do I have to be punished twice?

Nessa already spanked me.

-What? Nessa whupped you? -Yeah. You should punish her.

-Nessa! Nessa? -Wait. Uncle Bernie, you need my belt?

[Bernie] Nessa!

Hey, my sweet, sweet Nessa. Why didn't you tell me you whupped Jordan?

Well, he wouldn't listen.

-What'd you use, a belt, switch? -My hand.

God Almigh…

You poor thing. Look, what, you did about four hours?

You did four hours.

I think that's double, plus, you know…

You take this. You got a little bump in there.

Ooh, Uncle Bernie, you should've been there.

-I whupped him hard. -Did you break the skin?

-Yeah, I tried. -You're good people.

There's hope for the girl yet.

I misjudged her, America. I've done wrong.

[soft jazz music playing]

Ah, you're getting ready to take a bath, huh?

-I'm gonna get the kids something to eat. -Bernie…

Wanda, I don't really feel like arguing. I really don't.

Neither do I.

Honey, I know I haven't been sensitive to how taxing the kids are,

and you do everything day in and day out,

and I know that it takes its toll.

Thank you, baby, but go on back to your mean bath, okay?

Actually, baby, this mean bath is for you.

I got to get the kids something to eat.

-Ah! I got the kids. -[chuckles]

You have some Bernie Mac time.

America, we'll talk another time.

♪ For the good time ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ For the good time ♪

…the birth child, since you're responsible for their spiritual growth.

-Do you feel me? You getting this? -Mm.

Anyway, me and Debbie go way back, so she said, "Would you be a godmother?"

I was, like, "Are you kidding? I'd love--"

Shut up!

[crew laughing]

[laughing] That's terrible!

[laughter continues]

-Let's get this party started. -[woman 1] Please.

-[man 1] Let's do it. -[loud clattering]

-[man 2] Jeez! -[woman 2] You got--