Original subtitles

[theme music playing]

America, look at these books.

"How to Listen to Your Child, How to Talk to Your Child,

How to Love Your Child."

You know why I haven't cracked the spine on any of these?

Because the only book I need is right here… the Bible.

This is the best training manual for parents ever written.

In 2,000 years, they haven't improved on it.

There's a lot of good stuff in here.

For example, Abraham sacrificing his son Isaac. I like that.

Moses' mother putting him in a basket

and pushing him down a river. That's on my to-do list.

King Solomon, the wisest man in the Bible,

said cut a boy in half.

Now, who am I to argue?

America, this is full of good stuff in here.

I'm telling you right now.

Oh, listen, listen.

"The lion's den."

Hmm.

Now, that sounds good.

[roars]

Just gnaw 'em.

[trips over object]

What the…

Jordan! How many times I tell you to pick your bookbag up!

What is this?

Oh, my God.

A juggling Jesus? Boy, what's wrong with you?

-It was just a joke, Uncle Bernie. -A joke.

So, you think Jesus is a joke?

So, Jesus a clown now?

People hate clowns. Everybody love Jesus, Jordan.

Well, he did do a lot of tricks.

Jesus ain't did no tricks. What are you talkin' about?

The Bible's full of 'em.

He raised a dead guy, he turned water into wine.

Those ain't no tricks, man. Those are miracles!

Well, then here's my miracle.

Empty cup. Juice.

Ta-da! I'm Jesus.

[spluttering]

"I'm Jesus"?

Did you hear that blasphemy?

And it didn't stop there.

He said if Jesus and Superman got into a fight,

Superman would win!

Can you believe that? Superman ain't real.

If I had ever fixed my face to say such foolishness,

Big Mama would have…

Let me show you what would've happened. Y'all pray for me.

[piano playing]

Why I got to wear a suit?

Jesus is wearing his bathrobe.

Look, Big Mama, I'm an angel.

Can I go to--

Big Mama had it right.

[sobbing] Train 'em up for the way they should go

and they should never depart from it.

Jordan just has some religious questions.

I think it's perfectly natural.

Baby, the only question that boy should have is

"How can I serve you better, Jesus?"

And I know Jesus' answer.

"Honor thy mother and father."

We got to straighten that boy out.

I don't know, Bernie.

I don't feel comfortable being an authority on this one.

Somebody got to teach this boy right from wrong.

If not us, who?

Father Cronin, we just feel we're a little bit over our heads on this.

[in Irish accent] You've done the right thing.

This is my calling, to lead the wayward lambs to the light,

to fill their souls with the love of Jesus

-who died on the cross, bleeding and-- -Whoa, whoa.

I found it, I found it. I got it right here. Deuteronomy 21:18.

Listen, baby. "If a man hath a stubborn and rebellious son,

and will not listen to the voice of his father,

then shall the father and mother…"

That's you and me, baby. "…lay hold upon him,

and all men in his city shall stone him with stones

that he shall die."

Baby, we can stone the boy.

God wants to stone the boy.

Blessed be the name, O Heavenly Father. Blessed be the day, O Heavenly Father.

Thank you, O Lord!

[silently speaking in tongues]

So, you'll go and talk to him?

Be not afraid.

Father Cronin is here.

All right, all right.

The boy got questions.

I told him to ask all the questions he wants.

Get it out of his system.

'Cause if it doesn't work, it's on to Plan "B."

Let it be written… [chuckling]

…let it be done.

Stone.

But isn't it wrong to wear a cross?

I mean, that's where they executed Jesus. What if they executed him some other way?

Would we all wear little electric chairs?

Boy, the cross is the symbol of Christ's love.

The blood and the--

[cawing]

[ominous music playing]

Oh, that's just my friend.

I call him Satin, 'cause he's silky and dark.

Now, listen to me, boy.

You think you're slick asking your sophomoric questions

and presenting your fatalistic conundrums,

but just like Saul of Tarsus

who was blinded on his way to killing a Christian,

you too can be knocked off your flippin' horse if you don't watch it.

Now, what's your question, boy?

Well, during Communion, when we eat the host,

that's the body of Christ, right?

Right.

Well, I guess my question is… doesn't that make us cannibals?

That boy is as godless as a pygmy in the Amazon!

I knew it. I knew it. Father, can't you save him?

It's not up to me.

Mr. Mac, have you ever heard of a sin cup?

Uh… Have I heard of a what?

A sin cup.

It's a chalice that holds all your iniquities,

from your first breath to the last.

The fuller your sin cup is, the hotter it will be in hell for you.

Is the boy cup that full?

I'd start praying for the boy now, Mr. Mac,

before he drags the rest of you down with him.

Sin cup?

[ominous organ music playing]

That boy don't respect nothing.

He don't respect the Catholic father, he don't respect the Heavenly Father.

Probably drove away his real father. He gon' send us all to hell.

Something got to be done. I don't know what it is,

but it will be of the biblical proportion.

It will be of the biblical proportion.

Will be.

We were just talking about the Bible.

Only reason I don't grab you by your throat

is I don't wanna be holding you when a lightning bolt hits.

You said I could ask questions.

Now I'm saying stay in your room.

For how long?

Until you memorize this.

But it's not fair. I didn't do anything!

You tell it to Jesus!

[door slams]

You see this chair, America?

This here's the pilot's chair.

See, I'm not the pilot in this house.

I'm just a copilot.

See, God is the pilot in this flight.

And I'm gon' tell you why.

When you run into turbulence, like the kind this boy been causing,

see, I got God at the controls,

and that leaves me free to roam about the cabin

dispensing refreshing butt-whuppings.

[organ music playing]

Hey, baby girl.

Hey, I already got a cup for you.

No, this is my sin cup.

Your s-sin cup?

Oh, you heard that, huh?

Well, how about some grape juice in your sin cup?

No, no, no, no, no.

I got to keep it clean. It gots to be clean.

Okay. I'm sorry. I'll go clean it for you.

Okay. There you go. All clean.

I'm gonna keep it clean my whole life,

'cause I'm going to heaven.

You sure are, baby girl. I'm gonna ride your coattail.

Not like that little blasphemer.

Come here. Oh, let's go to heaven.

Heaven!

Oh, that is a great idea about keeping your sin cup clean, Bryana.

I know.

[sighs] I just wish we could do something about Uncle Bernie's cup.

What do you mean?

Well, it's just that he is such a big, fat sinner.

-He is? -Are you kidding?

His sin cup could be full by Saturday.

What can we do?

[sighs] That is a good question.

Let's see what the Bible says, shall we?

Hmm.

Uncle Bernie, Uncle Bernie.

Do we have a family Bible?

What happened to the junior Bible I gave you?

I mean, I've used that one and I need something a little bit more meaty.

Praise the Lord.

Here you go, my ignorant servant.

Oh, this is good.

They call that "The Good Book."

It sure is.

It sure is.

What do you know, America? [chuckling]

I planted a seed, and the tree has grown,

and that tree is the tree of knowledge.

And now, that little serpent is eating the fruit.

Now, wait.

That ain't how it goes.

Well, look at the important thing,

is that I led the boy to the way, the truth, and the life.

Can I get a "amen"? Can I get a "amen"?

Amen!

[R&B music playing]

I don't know if we're supposed to be doing this.

[dramatic sigh]

"And the Lord spake unto Moses

that he should separate himself from wine and strong drinks."

Okay.

♪ The only one who could ever reach me ♪

♪ Was the son of a preacher man ♪

♪ The only boy… ♪

You're doing the Lord's work here.

You're saving his soul and his liver.

♪ Yes, he was Yeah, he was… ♪

This is sinful?

Uh-huh. This is vanity, and that's one of the seven deadly sins.

We got to be extra thorough in here. Cast it out.

Now you're sin-busting.

Sin. Sin! Sin!

What's that smell?

[sniffing]

Like liquor.

[sniffing]

Johnnie Walker?

Black!

Baby girl, what are you doing?

Keeping your sin cup clean, Uncle Bernie.

By ripping up my prize pictures?

-This is adultery, Uncle Bernie. -What?

I think she means idolatry.

You know, the worship of false idols. As in the First Commandment.

Look at this.

Dizzy, Duke… Why are you throwing away Dizzy Gillespie?

Because you call him a god.

That's, um…

-Blasphemy. -Blassemy.

It was you. It was you.

No, my hands are clean, Uncle Bernie.

As clean as your sin cup is now.

Okay, you know what I'm talking about.

You filling baby girl head up with that nonsense.

If nonsense you mean Holy Scripture, then yes, it's true.

I filled her with the spirit,

and once you get the Word, you know, you got to spread it.

[grumbling]

Lord…

I been thy humble servant.

I don't ask for too much, Lord.

But I ask for this one thing, that you smite the boy,

if it be Thy will.

[piano music playing]

I'm still waiting, Lord.

I don't hear no smiting.

Just a little smite.

Am I the new Job?

What's next for me, Lord?

A plague of locusts?

I just planted that lawn.

What's that I'm feeling, Lord?

Is that a boil?

I've got boils, Father.

Where am I gon' go get boil grease this time of night?

[Bernie] Hey, man.

Let me tell you something. That was some show you put on this evening.

All of that Bible quoting and that versifying.

I was really impressed.

-Yeah, I was good, wasn't I? -Man, you got a gift.

I could tell you want to serve the Lord.

Oh, I do, Uncle Bernie. I do.

You know, I-I knew that.

That's why I arranged for you to spend two hours after class

every day with Father Cronin, doing odd jobs around the chapel.

But I don't wanna work in the chapel.

Oh, Jordan, come on, man.

You can't hide your light behind a bushel.

You got to let it shine. Let it shine.

That's right. Like silver, brass or a candlestick.

It'd be a lot for you to shine too.

Oh, joy.

Both of us, let's praise the Lord!

All I did was read the Bible. You can't punish me for that.

Son, it's not a punishment. It's a reward.

Eternal reward.

Yes, sir.

Now, I could punish you.

Only if you did something wrong.

Now, let me ask you something, Jordan. You didn't do anything wrong, did you?

Argh.

You see that?

It's true what they say.

The Lord help those who help…

-[thunder cracking] -…themselves.

[thunder rumbling]

Okay?

[light music playing]

Hey, baby girl.

-Where's your Uncle Bernie? -In the backyard.

Perfect.

Yeah, Aunt Wanda went a little crazy and bought four pairs of darling shoes.

I have to get them to the closet before your uncle sees 'em.

[whistles]

-Hey, baby. -Hey.

Where were you?

Oh, I just ran to the market.

No, you didn't. You bought some new shoes.

Bryana.

Well, you got to tell the truth, Aunt Wanda.

Before you get a sin in your cup.

Bernie, you're gonna have to talk to that little Mother Teresa.

Hey! What are you doing?

Stop, you little brat! I'm gonna kill you!

-[Bernie] Hey! -Let go!

Hey, hey, hey. Baby girl, stop it. What's going on here?

She ripped up my book report.

She's the one that's working on a Sunday.

That's the Lord's day.

What your sister does ain't got no concern of yours.

But Jordan said we all have to be our brother's keepers.

You know what? Your brother a false prophet.

You just worry about your own sin cup.

My sin cup is always empty.

You're the ones with dirty sin cups.

Okay, this has gone far enough.

I just want all of us to go to heaven together,

because I'll be lonely up there by myself.

Can I go pray now?

Go and pray.

[door slams]

-Bernie, you've got to put a stop to this. -I know.

I am sick of her.

I was putting on lip gloss, and she called me Jezebel.

-Lip gloss. Where you get lip gloss? -Bernie, baby, this is serious.

Where is it?

[piano music playing]

Chapel hours are from 12:00 to 3:00, sir. You'll have to leave. No exceptions.

I want you to get your stuff and come on home and fix your sister.

I want you to undo the evil that you done.

Oh, is there a problem at home?

Oh, I think I heard about that. It's just, I'm so rarely there.

Why, I hear you. Get your stuff, and your punishment is off.

You swear?

I swear.

-On this? -Jordan, don't push it.

Now, listen, I don't want her faith broken,

because baby girl believes, okay?

She's not a heathen like you. You understand?

[grunts]

[softly] What's the plan?

[sighs]

The problem, as I see it, Bryana has to fall from grace.

How are we gonna do that?

We're gonna go to the first page of the Devil's playbook,

temptation.

As the Bible says,

"Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."

Now, if Bryana has a sin…

She can't go around throwing stones at us.

Bingo.

Everyone sins. Everyone wins.

Now, here's the plan.

[whispering]

Okay, gang, listen up. I don't want you to eat these apples.

These are for after dinner tonight.

You got me?

Oh, God, do those apples smell good! Oh!

They look good too.

I bet they taste even better.

There's only one way to find out.

No, you can't. Aunt Wanda said we're not supposed to.

Oh, I can't resist!

Neither can I. Mmm!

No!

[suspenseful music playing]

[loud munching]

Oh, no. Bryana, you bit the apple?

[Jordan] Oh, no. She wouldn't do that.

Then she'd have a sin in her sin cup.

Baby girl!

[whimpering]

Hold on, baby girl. Hold on, now.

I sinned!

[sobbing]

-Uh-oh. -[door slams]

[Bryana] I sinned. My cup is dirty. My sin cup is dirty.

Now I'm going to hell with all of you.

Sweetheart, you're not going to hell. Nobody's going to hell.

-But I sinned. -We all sin, sweetheart.

That's why we ask the Lord to forgive us for our sins.

But my sin cup is not clean.

Yes, it is. When you ask the Lord to forgive you,

he forgive you for your sin, and your cup is clean.

I didn't want a sin in my cup.

I wanted it to stay clean.

You see that? It's all your fault.

It was his fault. Taking the Lord's name in vain.

Using the Bible like it's some kind of terrorist manual.

There just ain't no hope for that boy.

And now we lost baby girl.

[Jordan] "This then is a message which we have heard of him

and declare to you."

"That God is light

and in Him is no darkness at all."

"If we confess our sins,

He is faithful and just to forgive us."

What does that mean?

It means, all you have to say is,

"I'm sorry, Jesus," and He'll forgive you.

-Really? -Yeah. Watch.

This is my sin cup.

It's not as full I thought it would be.

Right.

Now, all I have to do is confess my sins like this.

Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.

It's been a week since my last confession,

and I have burned countless ants.

I just cannot seem to stop myself.

I have tried to make cotton candy in the clothes dryer.

I think I've ruined some clothes.

And especially forgive me for hurting Uncle Bernie's feelings

and ruining his stuff.

And I also made fun of the Bible.

I shouldn't have done that.

And then there's that thing I did last week.

That's still going on.

Then I take my sin cup like this…

and all my sins are washed away.

Here, this can be your sin cup now.

It's nice and clean.

So, God knows I'm sorry?

Baby girl, God knows everything.

So, does He know I want another candy apple?

Somewhere deep down in that boy's soul,

he knows the right way to go.

Y'all prayed for me, America, and I appreciate it.

Now I can relax a little.

Ah! Oh, yeah.

You see, Jesus turned water into wine.

Now I'm gonna turn this wine back into water. [chuckles]

[sniffs] Mmm. America…

cut the camera off.

♪ Jesus ♪

Sing with me now.

♪ How ♪

♪ Will I find peace ♪

♪ In the… ♪

You at home, y'all sing with me.

Pull your chair up.

If you're in the bed, and you got one leg,

-hop to the television. -[crew laughing]