Original subtitles

[opening theme music playing]

America, Bernie Mac is a connoisseur.

See, I've learned to appreciate the finer things in life.

Like this cigar.

See, this is a Musashi,

the finest Indian cigar money can buy,

and I got eight more boxes just aging in my humidor.

You know what?

I got a 30-year-old port aging in my wine cellar,

and somewhere in France,

there's some cheese aging in a goat,

waiting for my imported cracker.

That's right. America, Bernie Mac loves the good life,

and you know what?

How sweet it is! [soft chuckle]

That's my boy, Jackie.

Jackie Gleason.

[whistles]

Bran flakes, oat flakes…

Hey, where the good cereals? The sweet lucky stuff, where's that at?

They're up top, two inches past Jordan's reach.

Hey, baby, that's nice. Real nice.

-[shoulder cracks] -Oh!

Your shoulder acting up again, old man?

"Old man" ain't got nothing to do with it. It's a boxing injury.

If you doled out the type of punch that this drill doled out,

your shoulder would be bothering you, too.

You really should see a doctor.

-I saw Dr. Spellman the other day. -Bernie, you went to the Dodger game

-with him. -If he didn't think I looked good,

he would've said something. Wan, they take an oath.

-You're 45 years old. -Oh.

You should be getting regular physicals anyway.

Okay.

I'll meet you halfway.

Okay.

I'll get a massage.

By a licensed masseuse.

[chuckling]

[indistinct conversation]

-Here you go. -Pass them over, baby.

-[shoulder cracks] -Ow, ow, ow.

-Come on. -What? They're right here.

-Reach for them. -Yeah, I'll get 'em.

[laughing]

-[Wanda chortles] -You first blood, baby.

-You first blood. -[Wanda chuckling]

If you had a chronic shoulder problem, wouldn't you go to the doctor?

-Stop, Wanda. -Yes, most definitely.

Bernie, you really should go to the doctor, okay?

Might be a whole mess of things wrong with you, man.

They might even find some things you don't know about.

-That's why I'm not going. -Exactly.

-[Kelly] Come on, now. -Hey, Mac.

Yo, look here, man. Ain't nothing wrong with my boy.

-Good fella. -Pound for pound, Bernie Mac

-is the healthiest man up in here. -And you know that.

Yeah, I don't go to the doctor neither, man.

Chuy, you don't go to the doctor because you don't have any health insurance.

I don't need health insurance 'cause I don't go to the doctor.

[all laughing]

Uh, Jerry, you're his manager. What do you think?

You know, Wanda, I'd really… I'd prefer not to get in the middle of this.

Thank you. Don't be pulling him into our business.

You just bring pork rinds and leave. Do your duty and go, baby.

But he's your client.

-Right. -Isn't it in your best interest

-to make sure that he's healthy? -Well, yes, that's…

You know what, Wanda? I'm really not down with doctors.

-Now, see? -That being said,

I know of a really good doctor. He's the doctor for the Lakers.

-That sounds good, man, that sounds good. -Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Is this Shaq and Kobe's doctor?

Or are we talking about bench-warmer, second string,

straight, garbage time, lucky-to-have-a-ring

-Samaki Walker doc? -Yeah, yeah. Dr. Bombay.

Um, A, calm down, and B, he's the doctor for the whole team.

Very well, you can go.

All right. I'm going to go, but to the Lakers' doctor,

'cause this is a sports injury anyway. Now, you fine?

You satisfied? Now, look what you started.

-[blows kiss] -Yeah.

-[pats back] -Yep.

Thank you.

-Wha… Where the hot sauce, Wanda? -It's walking away.

[Bernie] Yeah, Doc, you know, it hurts right on the top of my shoulder,

but, like, when I'm popping a jab, bam-bam, it's okay.

But this roundhouse… Right there, man.

I can't… I can't get around like… What you doing?

What are you doing? I said, what you getting ready to do?

[hissing]

-Hmm. -Hmm.

Bernie, I'm a little concerned about more than your shoulder.

-I'd like to do a few tests. -What type of tests?

Well… all of them.

-What? -Now, would you please put this on?

I'm going to put it on, but what's happening?

Everything will be all right. You'll be fine.

[winces]

Mr. Mac, you're basically in good health.

Would you say I'm in great, athletic-health?

-Sure, uh, but-- -Yeah, thank you, Doc.

I knew it, boy.

I told my wife wasn't nothing wrong with me,

but she thinks something wrong with me.

Well, you do have high cholesterol which could lead to

-heart attack and stroke. -What?

Heart attack and a stroke?

Oh, man, what kind of bull is this?

Looking at my cholesterol.

He's supposed to be looking at my shoulder.

Damn doctors. They always poking around where they don't belong,

and tell you things you don't want to know.

If I want to hear about a heart attack, I would have gone to a heart attack doc.

Well, no need to worry.

It can be controlled entirely through diet and exercise.

Always looking where you got no… What about my shoulder?

Oh, that. Well, you'll need surgery at some point.

Oh. You'll know when.

Damn doctors. Go to see a doctor…

Always looking where you… If I came here about my shoulder, look here.

Hey, baby. How'd it go?

How do you think it went, Wanda?

I'm laying up in the doctor's with a paper dress on

with my secret hanging out.

And I'm gonna tell you something. I didn't see not one good Laker.

Only Laker I saw was that Slava Medvedenko.

Then that quack sport doctor going to tell me I got high cholesterol.

Wanda, I hope you're happy.

Couldn't let me live in my ignorance, could you?

You're a player hater, that's all…

-[shoulder cracks] -Ow!

-Oh… -Now, come on.

Come on, let me love you.

Come on.

Let me love you. Hug me.

Hug me.

My back hurt a little bit, too, Wanda.

[Wanda] Oh, I know. I got you.

High cholesterol, America.

I'm talking about the little "C."

They call it "the silent killer"

'cause it quietly accumulate in your blood clogging up all your arteries,

until one day, pow, it kills you.

And you never even know you had it. Oh, let me tell you, it's terrible.

And the only worse thing is when you do know you have it.

'Cause your busybody little wife stuck her fat nose in your business!

Thank you, baby!

I hope someday I can… return the favor!

I can't wait till she asks me if the jeans are too tight.

I can't wait.

Hm.

She always…

Mmm.

Guilt.

You got to go sometime.

I might as well go full.

You know, Bernie, high cholesterol is very manageable.

One of those pamphlets even has a recipe for low cholesterol mac and cheese.

I care about no recipe. I got my own.

It's Mac eating cheese.

Wanda, mine's different.

It's oat bran, honey. Very healthy.

Wanda, don't tell me nothing about no healthy.

This here… this, this mine, all mine.

This my business. I run this.

Mm-hm. And you "runs it" to Royal Burger every chance you get.

Oh.

Aren't you afraid that you're going to keel over one day

with a hamburger in one hand and a large french fry in the other?

Baby, let it be written. In the meantime, I want my sausage and eggs.

There aren't any more.

Yeah?

[Jordan] Hey!

Hey, those are mine!

Back off! Back off!

["Stoned Out Of My Mind" playing]

♪ Baby, when I found out You were lying ♪

♪ Playing around and conniving ♪

♪ Undesired tears I was crying ♪

♪ 'Cause sugar coated lies I was buying ♪

♪ I was just a backseat driver In a car of love ♪

♪ Going wherever you take me ♪

♪ Don't know why I put up with the pain ♪

♪ 'Cause nobody else… ♪

[groans] Why don't you just eat a whole pig?

When did you start caring?

I don't. Aunt Wanda told me to.

Uncle Bernie, are you trying to have a stroke?

Did she say that?

She said you were trying your best.

[sighs]

[Bernie] Get him, get him.

Get… get him.

Ah!

[sneezes]

You did that on purpose.

I didn't, I swear. I'm allergic.

To what?

To fat people. [laughs]

This is wrong. [sneezes]

This is wrong.

My family acting like I'm one of those guys

you got to move with a crane or bury in a piano crate.

I'm just a normal person

with perfectly normal eating habits just like everyone else.

When you're in your basement relaxing, looking at movies, you got treats,

and if… Oh, wrong side.

…you got treats and stuff like that, it ain't no harm!

You want something, you get your own!

Business side…

Pleasure.

Bidness.

[toy pig whirring]

Oh, okay.

So, I'm a pig now!

Oink-oink! [laughs sarcastically] Okay.

We'll see who gets slaughtered, though!

[chuckles]

[sniffs] Smells good.

-Hope you enjoy it. -You think I ain't?

Hey, big fella.

And I got cheese inside the crust. Come on, gang, dig in.

What's wrong with y'all?

You know, I'm not really feeling like pizza tonight.

-What? -[Chuy] Yeah.

Maybe we could just have a nice salad with some light dressing.

No, I like mine dry.

Yeah, man, and you know, for dessert, you know, we could,

like, have some carrot sticks

-and some raisins. -[Kelly] Raisins.

-I love raisins. -Man, what the hell y'all talking about?

Wanda got to y'all, didn't she?

No one got to us. We love carrot sticks.

Oh, yeah, "C" sticks? They're off-the-heezy.

Fo' sheezy.

Y'all a bunch of Benedict Arnolds, man. Y'all selling me right down the river.

Hey, man, look, man, now, Bernie,

now, you know you ain't supposed to be eating this kind of stuff, man.

Big fella, I know you ain't judging me.

See, you're just lashing out.

You know, anger is a sign that you have a problem.

Problem.

[smacks lips] Big fella, dig this here,

man, you tight as a pair of drawers,

but if you don't give me back my pizza, we're gonna have a discrepancy.

That's some lashing out, man.

Did you see that, America?

You all saw what she did.

She went behind my back and ruined my poker game.

She even got to my best man, my big fella.

Now all my homeboys are turning their back on me because of her.

I'm going to tell y'all a little secret, America.

Two years ago, Wanda was getting a little hippy.

I didn't say nothing. I just respected her fat ass.

I didn't run over to the office to tell her coworkers

to hide the Krispy Kremes.

Well, now I'm telling everybody. It's out now.

'Cause Bernie Mac is mad.

Talking about carrot sticks.

People need to mind their business.

[footsteps]

[Bernie chomping]

Hey, hey. Hey, baby.

-You want a french fry? -That's it.

I give up.

What y'all looking at?

Can't a man eat in peace?

Cut the camera off.

Hey! Hey! What are you doing in my trash?

Go shopping someplace else.

-What's the matter with you? -Hey, Don.

Why don't you get your own trash? What're you doing in mine?

I'm just throwing away a little trash, Don. That's all.

Yeah, well, why don't you use your own trash?

The truth is, I've got a bunch of busybodies over there.

They bugging me about my cholesterol. Don't wanna give them ammo.

Oh… you got the high cholesterol problem.

-Yep. -You know, that's a…

that's a silent killer.

-I got it, too. -What?

-Yeah, yeah. -No kidding!

Yeah, I do. I got it.

Wow. What do you do about it?

-Nothing. -What?

Bernie, you know what the biggest killer in America is?

-No. -Stress.

Yeah.

Some people think it's a bullet, you know,

but I don't like to get in specific ethnic groups.

There's no place in my life for stress.

-Yeah. -I mean, life is too short.

I only think of happy things, and I deny myself nothing.

But on the other hand,

you got to loosen up, Bernie. You got to loosen up.

I noticed another thing, too.

Your shoulders. You're always tightness in the shoulders.

When you walk, you look like a fist.

I mean, I don't know what it is with you, but, uh,

I look at you and I need a massage.

Oh, stop it.

Yeah, man. You're… you're in bad shape.

I'm a friend. Get a checkup. Ooh.

-Walk away, you need help. -Thank you.

This guy isn't going to live for another week… tops.

A week, he's gone, it's over.

Did you hear that, America?

That guy made good sense.

I mean, 75 years old, and still going strong.

That's living proof his theory still work.

See, you bring down the stress, you bring down the blood pressure.

Well, America, that's it.

I'm going to tell Wanda.

Now who can reject that kind of wisdom, huh?

[Wanda] So, you're going to give up on everything the doctor told you to do?

The hell with that doctor. He's a sports doctor anyway.

He couldn't even fix the click in my arm. Listen.

Well, it'll come back. He can't fix… he ain't fix it.

You're pathetic, Bernie. Pathetic.

I'm pathetic?

That's a stress-inducing thing to say to somebody.

But I'm going to walk it off.

You know why?

For you, Wanda. 'Cause I love you. That's right.

I want to live. See, I don't want to spend the rest of my life…

People popping every day.

You read the paper, you hear it on the news.

Pop go the weasel, to the weasel go pop.

But you take a look at me. See this?

That's my back.

And my ass. That's the last thing you'll see.

Pretty sweet, huh, America?

Now, see, she the one that told me to go to the doctor.

Now, how could she get mad at me if I got a second opinion?

Now I got a good thing going. No stress, no mess.

I really should thank Don for this.

[doorbell dings]

Hey, Don.

-Interested in 20 years? -Oh, what about the high cholesterol?

You're starting to stress me out, Don.

Oh, I wouldn't want to do that. I'll get the tumblers.

Good. I want to hear some stories.

[song playing on stereo]

[sighs] I don't feel too good.

The lox and the pizza don't agree with me, Don.

Well, you knew it was going to be a long shot.

Look at this.

Don, it's going on 9 o'clock on a Friday night.

You know, I'd be playing poker right now with the boys

had Wanda not turned them into a bunch of L7s?

I don't know what that means,

but if you want to play poker, I'll call my fellas.

[all laughing]

[coughing]

[laughter continues]

You're nobody.

[coughing]

Turn up the oxygen, put out the cigars.

Old buzzkill's got to breathe.

-[laughter] -[struggling] Screw…

[wheezes] you.

[laughter]

Uh, Don, I'm serious, is he going to be all right?

Yeah.

But he's not.

[Don] Frank?

Frank?

[Don yells] Frank!

Oh, Lord!

[Bernie] Don…

I really liked Frank, man.

He was a good man.

[Don] Yeah, Frank was a good fella.

He was falling apart.

He used to take 36 pills a day. Could you imagine, 36 pills a day?

Wow, 36, huh?

Seems like he was taking care of himself to me.

But he was only supposed to take three pills.

Oh.

Had no short-term memory. That's what killed him.

-Hmm. -Yeah, nobody to look after him.

Nobody to help him remember.

That's… that's the way it goes.

Look at you, Don. You're all alone.

You take good care of yourself, you look good.

I'm taking care of myself, but…

you know, if you were living with a woman for 60 years

-who's always nagging you… -Mm.

I mean, it's like she made good health a bad habit.

Oh, it was murder with this woman.

Couldn't drink, couldn't smoke…

couldn't do anything.

Boy, I…

I tell you, I…

I miss her.

Yeah.

I miss her.

Hmm. Can you believe it?

Sweetheart.

Hey, baby.

I'll see you soon.

I love you.

How about that, Don?

You know, he's even wiser than I thought.

You know what, America?

They say if you don't have your health, you ain't got nothing.

But the truth is…

you ain't got nothing if you don't have no one to worry about your health.

And I got that.

-Hi, honey. -Hey, baby.

Wow…

Sorry about your friend, baby.

Thank you, sweetheart.

-I want to say I'm sorry to you, too. -Oh?

Wanda, I realize you've been doing everything for me.

And I want you to know I really appreciate it.

-Even though I don't like the food. -[chuckles]

But, you know, the last thing I want to do

is to be facedown in a plate of nachos before my time.

You mean it, honey?

Do I mean it? You watch me.

I'm going to do harder.

Give me one of them pamphlets.

Let me see.

So, I was reading, and they have a recipe in here

for low cholesterol chocolate cake.

Don't taste bad, huh?

I don't think so,

because all they're doing is substituting the sugar

for, um, honey and apple sauce.

And we can do a little few test cakes and see what happens.

-I love you. -Love you, too, honey.

Okay, presweetened buckwheat pancakes.

You don't need any syrup or butter.

-All natural. -Oh, yeah. That's…

This looks really delicious.

Yeah.

You really going to eat this stuff?

I'll get the syrup when she leaves.

♪ Yeah, just gimme some more ♪

-[Wanda sighs] -[Bernie chuckles dryly]

-Buckwheat, huh? -Yes, honey.

And I threw the syrup out.

[Bernie] Fine.

Where did you throw it at, baby?

♪ Just gimme some more ♪

Hey, baby! Baby!

Sweetheart, I'll… I'll see you soon.

You count on it.

-I'm going to be with her. -Stand back.

-I'm going to be with her. -Stand back.

I'm with you, honey.

We'll even sleep in the same bed.

What a treat.

God bless, babe.

-I'll be with her, Bernie. -Stand back.

In the meantime, why don't you and I go out and look for some broads?

-Let's move on. -Okay.

So long.