Original subtitles

[theme music playing]

America, I want to make this perfectly clear.

Not all Black people are alike.

Take me and my wife, for example.

Yeah, we both like fried chicken and The Commodores,

we need lotion, and stuff like that, but we came up different.

When I was a boy,

Big Mama used to hit me so hard, made my teeth click.

I mean, I got my ass whupped. Beatings.

Now, Wanda's house?

Huh, family meetings.

"Sweetheart, I'm very disappointed in you."

See, I didn't get all that talking to,

and I'm not complaining, but it made me a better man.

I mean, I don't tolerate nonsense just like none was tolerated for me.

Now, Wanda, on the other hand, she's soft, lenient.

She go too easy on the kids.

Now, I'm not saying we should beat 'em,

although, you know…

I'm just saying, we're different.

So, if Shelli finds out Donna kissed Daniel,

and Donna shows up, girl, at Shelli's party,

there's gonna be "a misunderstandin'" fo' sho'.

-Ooh, really? -[both chuckle]

There, all done.

Ooh, Vanessa, I love my hair like this.

Girl, you could really make some money on the side.

[chuckles] Thanks. Hey, I'll give you the family discount.

-What's that? -50 bones.

[laughing]

It's cute, but not that cute. [laughs]

Y'all got a joke. What's so funny?

How come I can't know?

Come on, tell me. I want to laugh. Share it.

Baby, your hair is awful.

-[Vanessa scoffs] -[Bernie] What?

Thank you, sweetie.

Bigfoot.

What? What'd I say?

Baby, I found your panties on top of the washer.

You can't leave your drawers out no more. We got kids.

Baby, those are Vanessa's.

-What? These? -Mmm-hmm.

What kinda 14-year-old girl walking around with panty thongs like this?

All the kids are wearing them. They're cute.

Yeah, if you plan on being a teenage mama.

I ain't bringing no more kids up in this house.

First of all, Bernie, I bought those for her.

She wanted something that she could wear underneath certain outfits

so you wouldn't see her panty lines.

Panty line?

Panty line?

Okay, what's next? If she want her belly pierced, you gonna allow that?

That's gonna be fine with you?

Along with a tattoo? Oh, that'd be great.

Or a tattoo and dyeing her hair pink,

that'll be fine with you?

Along with smoking crack?

You got some nerve questioning my judgment.

-You cuss in front of those kids. -No, I don't.

You suck on cigars in front of those kids, you drink, you gamble.

I never bought nothing inappropriate for those kids.

-Oh, really? -Yeah.

Well, how about the time you told Jordan

that you would buy him a woman for his birthday?

Stool pigeon!

I was just testing the boy.

America, he's soft.

I just wanted to see if he gonna take the bait.

Said he'd rather have a Easy Bake Oven.

It's not about me, it's about you, and you giving in to those kids too much.

But this time, you went too far.

Nessa ain't going out of this house with those things on.

Fine.

Okay, fine. Well, it's settled. So, you go in there and you tell her.

Psssh.

[knocks on door]

What?

Uh, um… [clears throat]

Nessa…

Nessa…

I don't want you wearing those thong bloomers

that-that your auntie bought for you…

Look here, Nessa, I'm not gonna argue with you about it.

It's just not proper for a girl your age to be wearing panty thongs.

It's not proper for you to be wearing those shiny shirts either,

but do I say anything to you?

Shiny?

-Look, Nessa-- -Please!

You can "please" all you want.

I'm not raising no hoochie girl up in this house.

Is Aunt Wanda a hoochie? She wears thong panties.

How the heck do you know what Aunt Wanda wear, little peepin' Tom?

-You stop-- I'll deal with you… -Hoochie!

[both] Hoochie! Hoochie! Hoochie!

-I hate you! -You can hate me all you want,

but I want you to get rid of those panty thongs today!

Jordan! Please, baby girl, sit down!

You hear me, Nessa! Today!

[both] Hoochie, hoochie, hoochie! Hoochie, hoochie, hoochie!

That's too small. I can't break it open.

Where you going, evil?

I told her she can go to Shelli's house

and burn some CDs for her party tomorrow night.

-That pigeon-toed girl live up the street? -[Wanda] Yes, Bernie.

[laughs] Vanessa, have fun.

Vanessa, are you…

Tell Shelli's mother I said hello.

Oh, I saw that.

I don't know what they said, but I saw this,

and I have a very scientific method

for breaking down you ladies' secret communication,

which I'm not at liberty to discuss.

But I saw that.

You saw it.

We saw it together.

-What was that all about? -What was what?

You know what was what. You can act dumb all you want to.

Nessa did this, then you did this,

then she skipped her happy ass out of here.

What did you say to her?

[TV chatter]

-[TV chatter stops] -Okay, baby…

We gonna sit right here until you tell me.

What did you say, Wanda?

She was wearing the thong underwear, okay?

Oh!

Wanda, you know all about it and you let her go out of here like that?

Cahoots.

It was just a little secret between us girls.

It can't be no secret, baby,

when I'm trying to teach them right from wrong.

Ain't no wiggle room with right from wrong.

Can we have a cookie?

-No. -Just one each.

Thanks. [chortling]

-See? -You know what?

Bernie, I'm not their mother, you know?

I like being the fun auntie.

Just like those panty thongs.

You got these kids thinking they run the show.

No, I just don't think there's anything wrong with those underwear.

But I do, and I feel strongly about it.

That should be enough.

I never looked at it like that.

That's the way it's supposed to be.

See, you got Nessa walking around here like she don't respect my rules,

because you don't.

You supposed to help me lay down the law around here.

You got to help me. Are you with me?

-Yeah. -Thank you!

We know you went out with those thong panties after I told you not to.

And just for that, young lady, you grounded for a week.

But I'll miss Shelli's party, and that's not fair. Aunt Wanda?

Your uncle made a rule and he feels strong about it,

and I have to respect that.

So, you're letting him punish me?

We're punishing you.

She'll probably never forgive me.

That's nonsense. She'll get over it.

But the most important thing: we created a united front.

That's the way it got to be.

United we stand, divided we get played.

Come on, baby, walk proud.

You part of the united front.

[marching rhythmically]

America, this is a map of Mac's universe,

and these are the world's trouble spots.

The country of Jordan, the little tiny island of Bryana,

and the evilest nation of all of them, Vanessinia,

the hot spots that make up the axis of evil.

Now, ever since my wife got back in the way she did,

I feel that we've formed an alliance,

something like the United Nations,

which I call the United Front, unified for the sole purpose

of bringing peace and harmony to the world.

Now, let's move on.

You got the country of Jordan, the tiny island of Bryana.

Now, don't go here.

This won't be a vacation.

-Can we go swimming? -No.

Aw, why not?

[Bernie] Did you clean your room?

-[both] No. -Well, that's why.

Aunt Wanda, can we? I'll clean my room after.

-Clean your room first. -[scoffs] Mrs. Bigfoot.

Don't just stand there. March.

Poopy head.

-What did she just call me? -Called you poopy head, baby.

♪ Here's a chance to dance our way ♪

♪ Out of our constrictions ♪

♪ Gonna be freakin' ♪

♪ Up and down ♪

♪ Hang-up alley way ♪

♪ With the groove our only guide ♪

♪ We shall all be moved ♪

♪ Ready or not, here we come ♪

♪ Gettin' down on ♪

♪ The one which we believe in ♪

♪ One nation under a groove ♪

♪ Can I get it on the good foot Good God ♪

♪ 'Bout time I got down one time ♪

♪ One nation and we're on the move ♪

♪ Nothin' can stop us now ♪

♪ Ah, ah, ah, ah, ay! ♪

♪ Feet don't fail me now ♪

America, the United Front is working better than I ever could have imagined,

and I love it.

And now that Wanda's taking up some of the slack,

I have more energy than ever.

Energy for days.

Think I go celebrate with my closest ally. [chuckles]

[soft music playing]

Why don't you put on that satin outfit I like?

I hate the United Front.

Yeah, baby, but it's working.

Yeah, they can't play us.

Yeah, well, they can't stand us anymore, either.

Bryana ignores me, Vanessa hates me,

and Jordan told his friend that we're not really related.

I'm just his aunt by marriage.

That's because you Great Britain.

They the Falkland Islands.

I know you ain't going to let no Falkland kids break you down.

Yeah, but now they think I'm an idiot like you.

[knocks on door]

I, uh, don't suppose you want to go to the mall with me?

But I'm not off punishment until tomorrow.

He won't know. He took your brother and sister to play miniature golf.

So, they won't be back for hours.

Thanks, Aunt Wanda.

Mmm-hmm. You're welcome.

[Vanessa] Oh, just somebody I knew.

-Mmm-hmm. Right. -[car chirps]

[chuckles] Man, I love this car.

I hate riding in Bernie's pimp-mobile.

Yeah, a convertible is the way to go.

One day, I'm gonna get a car just like this one.

I can't wait until I can drive.

What?

Maybe I could teach you.

-To drive? For real? -Yeah.

I mean, you know, we can find an empty lot on Sunday.

My parents taught me how to drive when I was your age.

I think it's perfectly okay,

except for we can't tell your Uncle Bernie.

[both laughing]

So, who was that boy? You were smiling kind of hard.

-[Vanessa] Nah. Let's move on. -[laughs]

Yeah, for being grounded, sure got a mighty lot of bags there.

Just a handbag and a new pair of shoes, thank you.

Baby, she's supposed to be grounded.

She is. We were only out for two seconds.

Grounded mean no seconds.

[sighs] We weren't really out.

I didn't want to leave her here alone. I needed some pantyhose.

Wanda, you and I had an agreement.

We're supposed to be working together on this thing.

Bernie, what makes your way so great?

You treat people like they're not even civilized.

They're not civilized and not even people.

We're talking about kids, bad, rotten to the core.

You give 'em an inch, they gonna take a mile.

These kids here, they gonna take two miles.

Trust me, I know what I'm talking about.

I'm sorry, I'm not that cynical.

Okay, fine. Fine. Let me tell you something, Wanda.

You're going on your own this time, okay? Don't expect me to get your back.

A matter of fact, I'm kicking you out of the United Front.

-Good. -Okay, good.

That means you handle the kids by yourself, solo.

Whatever.

I'mma tell you what "whatever" got to do with it.

-Don't expect to enjoy the protection-- -Bernie, I don't care.

I don't care!

Care don't get you nowhere.

She'll care.

You'll see. You'll see.

She'll be sorry.

She'll no longer enjoy the protection of the United Front.

Meaning, she'll have to control all three territories by herself.

Ha. I now consider her a rogue state.

Meaning, she's on her own, alone.

Fend for yourself, I don't care.

I'm through. Gone.

Eighty-six!

Peace out!

Yeah, we'll see.

See ya!

Don't wanna be ya!

-[Bryana] Aunt Wanda? -[Wanda] Hmm?

I'm thirsty. Can I have some apple juice?

No. It's late, and I want you to go to sleep.

Of course you can have some juice, sugar.

I'll be right back.

See now, I could explain at that point

that you can't give baby girl juice before bed,

'cause it runs through her like 7 Up through a strainer,

but a rogue state is not allowed access

to the data banks of the United Front.

I could've told her, but I wasn't being selfish.

These are the rules.

Uncle Bernie.

What, sweetheart?

I wet the bed.

[groans] That ain't no problem.

-Honey, that's for you. -[Wanda] Mm.

[Wanda muttering]

Oh…

Come on… Stop, Jordan.

Bryana, put the… You are kicking me.

Hey, hey!

Where'd you put Jordan's new inhaler at?

It's on the dresser, honey.

[Bryana whining]

Jordan, if you swing that club one more time,

I'm gonna do my best to knock you into next week.

Put this shoe on and stop playing. I'm not playing with you.

See, a rogue state's threats are empty,

as they are not backed up by the strength of a superpower.

That would be me.

[club whooshing]

I'mma go put this in the lunch bag.

-[Bryana grunting] -[sighs]

A rogue state does not enjoy the protection of its boundaries.

-[club thuds] -[Wanda screams]

-[Jordan] Sorry! -See?

[Wanda whimpers]

-Stupid. -Ow!

Ow! I'm gonna get you!

-[Wanda] Oh! Hey! -Gimme my club!

Aah! I'm gonna get ya!

Aah! No! No!

[screaming]

And finally, a rogue state does not enjoy

the peacekeeping efforts of the United Front.

-[Jordan and Bryana shouting] -[Wanda] Hey! Hey!

[sighing] Yeah.

-Ow! -Shut up.

Ow. Ow.

Who want pizza, pizza?

-[Bryana] Yeah, pizza! -[Jordan] Yeah, pizza!

-Aren't you coming? -No. I'm grounded, remember?

And besides, I hate watching Bernie eat pizza.

He always put the sausages on his eyes and pretends he's dead. He's so stupid.

All right. We'll be back soon.

[Jordan belches loudly]

Boy, say excuse me.

-I smell pepperoni. -Oh!

Wanda, baby, look, that lady got a car just like yours.

[Wanda] Oh, look at her,

-trying to bite my style. -Yeah.

Shoot, that's a young girl too.

You had to wait till you became an old lady to get you one.

That girl got be Vanessa's age.

[Wanda] Hmm.

Wait a minute.

[loud rap music playing on car stereo]

What the hell is your problem?!

What on earth made you think you could take my car?

You said you were gonna teach me to drive anyway, so…

I said, maybe we can drive in an empty lot

with me there!

I told you. You give 'em an inch, they take a mile.

I only went around the block. A quarter mile.

Look, it's your mess, you clean it up.

United Front, we take no prisoners.

Are you crazy?! Do you use your brain?

Ooh! I'm so mad, I could…

You could've killed somebody.

-But-- -But nothing!

Your best bet is to keep your mouth shut!

Go to your room until I say come out.

I can't even look at you anymore. Out.

[sighs]

[somber piano music playing]

-I really lost my temper. -No.

I yelled at her. Then I told her I didn't wanna look at her anymore,

and then I sent her to her room.

Wow, baby, that ain't like you. I mean, that's cold.

-I know. -Cruel, heartless.

But I'm proud of you.

I mean, my baby back in the Front.

Congratulations.

I, uh, brought you some pizza.

I didn't think you were speaking to me.

I, uh, wanted to tell you a story.

I wrecked my parents' car when I was a little older than you.

-No way. -Yeah.

I had just gotten my driver's permit and I was practicing with a friend.

What happened?

I just gave it a little gas and I had on a pair of Candie's,

the ones with the wooden heels?

They had Candie's back then?

Oh, it was not that long ago.

Anyway, the heel hit the pedal and bam!

Smack, right into the mailbox.

Whoo, was my mama mad.

[both laughing]

We all make mistakes, Vanessa.

But you can't do stuff like this.

Otherwise, how can I trust you?

And more importantly, how can I get your Uncle Bernie to trust you?

-I know. It was stupid. -Mmm-hmm.

So, is that it?

Hell, no, that's not it.

You're grounded. Two weeks.

No TV, no phone, no Internet.

[groans]

You heard me.

I'm sorry.

-Two weeks. -Aunt Wanda?

Hmm?

Mmm-hmm.

That's not how you're supposed to act if you're part of the United Front.

She is back in the Front, isn't she?

Or maybe she's just revolutionary, like Angela Davis.

What, she gonna grow a big afro next?

[Wanda and Vanessa laughing]

She ain't never laugh when I punish her.

And a hug is out of the question, even on a good day.

America, how is that fair?

That ain't fair.

Cut the camera off. [mutters]

Cut it off.

You know I'm right, America.

What's she talking about? This shirt is slick.

Forget her. Little heifer.

Shoot, all I need is a hat, wire-framed glasses,

deuce and a quarter,

and a white woman, and a Chinese woman and a Mexican.

Sister gotta walk.

[man laughing] Cut.