Original subtitles

[theme music playing]

Hey. You see, Thanksgiving's a time for sharing

and a time for family.

But most importantly, it's a time for turkey.

-[turkey gobbling] -That's right.

And Bernie Mac is what you'd call a "turkophile."

From the Greek. That's a lover of flightless birds.

[chuckles]

Yeah, but anyway… but on Thanksgiving,

I'm presented with a problem.

Not enough turkey for Bernie Mac.

See, those kids, they eat like a school of piranha.

They can skeletonize a bird before I can even pour the gravy on it.

But this Thanksgiving, I have the perfect solution.

[chuckling]

Big Mac. That's his name.

You going to eat that whole turkey by yourself?

I wasn't planning on it, but better nobody else eat it.

That's my personal turkey.

Uh, baby, isn't Thanksgiving about sharing?

-Well, it's possible. -Mm.

But the only reason the Pilgrims was willing to share with the Indians

because they was casing the joint.

[Bernie] ♪ Take it from me ♪

♪ Someday, we all be free… ♪

[girls] ♪ Silver buttons Buttons, buttons ♪

♪ All down her back, back, back… ♪

♪ Take it from me ♪

♪ Someday, we all be free… ♪

♪ To see the elephants Elephants, elephants ♪

♪ Jump the fence, fence, fence… ♪

♪ Take it from me ♪

♪ Someday… ♪

♪ All dressed in black, black, black ♪

♪ With silver-- ♪

[twigs snapping]

[ominous music playing]

♪ With silver buttons, buttons, buttons ♪

♪ All down her back, back, back ♪

♪ All dressed in black, black, black ♪

♪ With silver buttons, buttons, buttons ♪

♪ All down her back, back, back ♪

♪ She asked her mother, mother, mother ♪

♪ For 50 cents, cents, cents ♪

♪ To see the elephants, Elephants, elephants ♪

♪ Jump the fence, fence, fence ♪

♪ They jumped so high, high, high ♪

♪ They never came back, back, back… ♪

[wild yell]

[girls screaming]

[Jordan] Give it back! It's mine! Give it back!

[Jordan shrieks]

Hey, hey, hey!

Boy, you better get away from my personal turkey.

-[Jordan screeches] -[cloth rips]

Damn savages.

[mumbles]

[R&B music playing]

Oh, thank you, Lord.

Ugh, watching you eat was the most disgusting thing I've ever seen.

The most disgusting thing I ever seen

was sitting over here watching your brother eat with no drawers on.

Hey, I'm just keepin' it real.

Keepin' it real nasty too.

[stomach rumbling, grunting]

Oh, honey, that's not sexy. Why don't you put that thing away?

Baby, I'm about to put away some pie.

That's what I'm gon' put away.

[stomach rumbling]

-[groans] -Uncle Bernie, your tummy sound loud.

It's the sound of satisfaction, baby girl.

That's all it is. Mm.

[ominous rumbling]

[gagging]

Oh, Lord!

[door slams]

[upbeat music playing]

-[stomach rumbling] -[groaning]

Something not sitting right.

I bet it was my baby pie.

Oh! America…

This isn't good.

It's like I been awakened by some ancient evil.

An intestinal demon.

It's not no sweet potato pain.

I think it was my turkey.

That bird must have been rotten when I bought it,

because I know I was careful.

Besides, I been cooking turkey before J.J. call 'em "jive."

-It had to be a bad bird. -[rumbling continues]

Unless…

Hey, boys, could you pull up frame 8-19-25?

-Pull it up for me. -[stomach rumbles]

[Jordan] My tomahawk!

Hey, hey, hey! Boy, you better get away from my personal turkey.

-[screeches] -[cloth rips]

[Bernie] Hoodlum!

Yeah, that's it. Yeah.

Now we getting somewhere. Now, magnify right quadrant.

-[steam hissing] -Mmm-hmm.

Yeah. [grunting]

Uh-huh.

[in pained voice] Sabotage.

Skunks.

Skunks.

[upbeat music playing]

Oh… I'm sorry, America.

I was hoping I'd be feeling a little better, but it's gotten worse.

I spent the better part of the day just giving back.

You know what I mean.

I'd kill those kids if I wasn't so sick,

but I can't even move.

This is supposed to be a day of thanks.

If those kids would leave me alone, just to watch football,

I'd be mighty grateful.

Mighty grateful.

[football game playing on TV]

[sighs]

[male announcer] …the ten-yard line.

He's out across the 15, the 20. Shakes the tackle there.

I just got to close my eyes, just for a few minutes.

[announcer continues indistinctly]

[cartoon music playing on TV]

What you think you're doing?

I'm watching cartoons.

You are bold. You mess with my turkey, now you're messing with my football.

I didn't mess with your turkey.

You did mess with my turkey! I saw you, Chief Little Bare Ass.

Now for the rest of the holiday, you and the kids,

I don't want to be bothered with you.

Matter of fact, go on, get on out of here.

You…

Playing with you all…

[announcer speaking indistinctly]

[cartoon music playing on TV]

What the…

Jordan?

Jordan?

Jordan!

I know you… Where are you, Jordan?

-In here. -Jordan?

What you doing in there, boy?

Jordan.

You come out of there--

I guess you have to watch cartoons now.

Boy, you better give me--

[screams]

[mumbles]

Hey, I'm in Cartoon Land!

-Aha, gotcha! -No!

[straining] You ain't going nowhere.

[screams]

[thuds]

[grunts]

Look at that, America. Good as new.

That didn't bother him a bit, and why should it?

It's cartoon violence,

and cartoon violence never hurt nobody.

It just makes people laugh.

Well, would you like me to make you laugh, America?

Come join me.

[cartoon music playing]

[squeaking footsteps]

Shh! Now, be very, very quiet.

I'm hunting jive turkey.

Where's that jive turkey?

[evil laughter]

-Aha! -[gunshot]

Whoa!

Yeah!

Oh, Lord!

Time to prepare my Thanksgiving feast.

-[Jordan yells] -[grunting]

-[panting] -[chuckles]

Mmm, you look good enough to eat.

-Time to put you in the oven. -[screams]

Oops, almost forgot to clean out the giblets. [chuckles]

Oh, no!

We'll keep these for later. They'll make tasty gravy.

All right, in you go.

[humming]

-[timer dings] -Ah, it's done!

-Now it's time to carve the bird. -[saw buzzing]

-[laughs] -[gasps] Come back here!

I'm gonna bust your head till the white meat shows

and serve it up with gravy!

[Jordan screaming] Ow! Ow! Ow!

Ow! Ow!

[laughing]

[gasps]

I can't kill him enough.

He's indestructible.

Time for you to baste the music, Uncle Bernie.

[Bernie] Oh!

[water splashes]

Say hi to my goldfish.

-[laughing] -[toilet flushes]

Oh… Lo-o-ord!

Aah!

[shuddering]

[grunts]

Your ass is Play-Doh, and I'm the fun factory.

Uh-oh, got to go.

You know what, Uncle Bernie?

I'm sick of cartoons. You can watch football now.

No, no-no. Don't you dare, boy. Don't you dare change that--

[giggles]

[announcer] Bernie Mac fields the ball in the 21-yard line…

[all yelling]

[screaming]

-[yells] -[cartoon music playing]

What the…?

Doggone kids.

[announcer speaks indistinctly]

Oh, Lord, I'm having nightmares and fever dreams.

It's bad enough those kids ruined my Thanksgiving,

now they haunt me in my dreams. They're killing me.

Cut the camera off. This might get ugly.

[weakly] Down here, America.

[upbeat music playing]

I couldn't even make it up to my chair.

You know why?

It's too high!

These fevers really got me weak.

Might as well, just as well.

I'd rather be lying here than being around those doggone kids.

They ruined my Thanksgiving.

Why don't they just leave me be?

When you come back, when I'm still down here,

you call 911.

But be sure to specify an ambulance.

'Cause you know the police come out here, a brother in a nice house.

I just don't have the energy.

I need money.

I need silence. Nessa, just leave me alone.

I wanna go to the mall with Shannon.

I want my stomach to stop doing the electric slide.

You should ask me for forgiveness for messing up my turkey.

What are you talking about?

Don't talk back, Nessa. Just leave me alone.

Let me make this perfectly clear.

If I was President, I'd make it a law

that Thanksgiving be spent away from kids.

Somewhere tropical.

Just me and Wanda.

Lying on the beach.

Playing Pocahontas all day long.

Mmm-hmm!

Nice.

Real nice.

[snoring softly]

-Hey, baby. -Hmm?

Just think, in a few hours,

we'll be a thousand miles away from all the kids.

-[sighs] -And no crying and no talking back.

-Ugh. -How about that?

I can't wait to snuggle up with my baby on a nice, warm beach.

-Hey, Wanda. -Mmm-hmm.

-Happy Thanksgiving. -Ooh. Happy Thanksgiving.

[ominous music playing]

[thunderclap]

Ah. Ooh.

[thunderclap]

[wind whooshing]

-Wanda, wake up. -What is it? What is it?

-Quick, quick. Look, look. -What?

What?

[sighs]

Nothing. Just go back to sleep, baby.

[ominous music continues]

[phone ringing]

-Hello. -[Vanessa] Uncle Bernie…

Nessa?

-You should've given me the money… -Where are you?

Look out your window.

All I wanted to do was go to the mall. That's all I wanted to do.

-[snarling] -[yelps]

[Bernie screaming]

Lord, let her be… That's not Nessa.

Let her be back in LA.

Father, please, I ask you these things

in Christ's name. LA, please.

[screaming]

-Wanda. -What's going on?

Nessa out here on the wing. She on the wing.

-Come on. I'm sleeping. -No, I'm serious.

Nessa, out here on the wing.

Oh, right. That's where I booked her seat. See if she wants some headphones.

You're right. I'm just going crazy, right?

-Oh, don't-don't go. -I got to pee.

I know I'm not crazy, America.

I know what I saw, and you saw it too.

-[thunder rumbling] -Right?

[ominous music continues]

[exhales]

-[screaming] -[snarling]

Wanda, Wanda, come here! [screams]

-Come here, come here! -What?

Look, look, look, look!

I swear to you, baby, Nessa was out there on the wing.

Baby, you got to believe me.

You know, Nessa knows you don't like me. She's trying to take us down.

You're acting like a lunatic, okay? No, no. There is nothing out there.

No, no, it is, Wanda. Listen to what I'm saying.

Every time you look, she makes it look like I'm trying to fool you.

She quick. Will you look? She quick.

It's the trickeration…

-Look, look. -Okay, okay, okay.

-Baby. Okay, okay. -What?

Just think about the beach, okay?

Nice, warm beach, okay?

All right? There you go. There you go.

Now, let me give you a little nice back rub, okay?

-Just relax a little bit. -No. I'm going up there.

I'm going to tell the pilot that she's on the wing.

Maybe he can make a couple of sharp turns. Dipping, flip her off.

-Let me out. -No, hold on. Hold on, okay?

-I'll go talk to them. -Good, good.

You're a little too worked up.

-You go. I'll keep my eye on her. -I will.

-Okay. I will. -You hurry up.

[Wanda] Ooh, excuse me. Sorry, sorry.

Now we got your ass.

Get off that wing!

Oh, don't-don't do that!

No! You know better than that.

Yeah, okay. I'm coming out there.

I'm coming out there. Damn right, I'm coming out there.

Y'all nobody believe me. But when I catch her,

y'all gonna be kissing my ass. I'm gonna get her.

[quiet groaning]

No…

[gasping]

[electricity sizzling]

Nessa. Nessa!

Think about what you're doing.

If anything happened to me, who gonna take care of you, huh?

Okay, Nessa. All right, listen.

Nessa, you want to go to the mall?

Okay, well, I got some money for you, okay?

Oh, oh!

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Look, Nessa. Look, want some money?

You can have it. Here.

Now you can go to the mall.

I saved the world! I saved the world!

I saved the world!

[mumbling]

[snorts]

Hey, kids, look what I got.

I figure we have some fun on Thanksgiving.

What do you say?

Why are you all so quiet?

Because you didn't feel well.

Wow, you all are really something else.

If I didn't know better,

I'd swear y'all was kidnapped and replaced by alien replicants.

[electronic voice] He knows.

Secure him!

-What you talking about? -Yes, my Queen.

-What you talking about? -[electronic voice] I'll get the probe.

-[device whirring] -What's that you got in your hand?

-Put him over the sink. -What's going on?

-Rise. -Get up!

[gasps]

[snorts]

I don't know, America.

Maybe these nightmares are trying to tell me something, but about what?

In every single one,

those kids tortured me and killed me.

I don't believe in premonition,

but those kids might be truly trying to do me in.

And maybe I should kill them first while I still have a chance.

I need some clarity, America.

Someone call a dreamologist.

See, that's the study of dreams.

-[stomach rumbles] -[groans]

This whole thing is starting to make me sick all over again.

[humming]

[footsteps approaching]

Oh, Lord. Can a man find some peace around here, please?

Uncle Bernie, I'm sorry you got sick on Thanksgiving.

Oh, sweetheart… Thank you, baby girl. Thank you.

I taped the second football game for you when you were throwing up.

You're going to love it. The Bears win in double overtime!

You didn't have to tell me all of that.

But thank you, my man.

I saved you this piece of sweet potato pie for when you feel better.

Thank you, kids.

You all the greatest.

[whimpers softly]

You know what, America?

Those kids didn't ruin my day.

Yeah, they might have messed with my personal turkey,

but those kids get it.

Thanksgiving is about family.

And I can't believe it.

But all of a sudden, I'm feeling good.

I'm full of the Thanksgiving spirit.

Magnanimous.

And what am I doing talking to you, America?

I need to be with my family right now.

And you should be with yours.

So, America, will you excuse me?

[screaming] Wanda!

-Come here. -What? What?

Look, look, look!

-Look… [laughs] -[screaming]

[crew laughing]

-Baby, are you okay? -Yes, I'm okay.

I told you. You didn't even believe me, either.

Now y'all gonna be kissing my ass.

There's damage to the engine. I got to go tell the pilot. Look out.

Hey, Captain. You got to land the plane.

The engine's in bad shape.

[screams]