Original subtitles

[opening theme music playing]

Oh, hi, America. Just one second.

Okay.

Hey, listen to this.

"Gratitude: the quality or feeling of being grateful or thankful,

as in, 'He expressed gratitude to everyone on his staff.'"

That's nice. Let's see what else we got here.

Okay, hey, hey, listen to this.

"Thankless: not likely to be appreciated or rewarded."

"Unappreciated, as in, 'A thankless job.'"

All right. That's kind of nice there.

Hold on, I want to see something else, look for something else.

Okay, this is real nice.

"A 'skunk.'"

"A black and white striped mammal of the weasel family…"

We know some people like that.

"…that emits a pungent odor when attacked."

"Or a despicable person."

America, let's see if I can use that in a sentence.

Those thankless little skunks have no gratitude.

One more second, America, one more second.

Let me look up "justifiable homicide."

Yeah, yeah.

Sorry, dogs, but tonight, the cards are screaming,

"Here you go, W.B. Get yours."

[laughing]

Yeah, it's all right. Just consider it a loan, baby.

You'll be paying double Saturday.

-Yeah, whatever. -Okay.

Mm, not promising anything. We got that thing at Bona Vista.

-What thing you talking about? -The father-daughter dance, man.

Sophia's so excited about it. She made me go out and buy a new suit.

Oh, it was about time, man, 'cause that tight polyester suit

with the big-ass lapels done been over.

[laughing]

Hey, what are you wearing to the dance, man?

-Huh? -What are you wearing to the dance?

Um… I haven't thought about it right now.

I want to play cards, I want my money back.

Whoa, hold up, man.

You plan what you're wearing to get the morning paper.

You don't know nothing about this dance, do you?

That's not true. That's not true. Big fella, you know that's not true.

Not true.

Nessa's just probably waiting till last minute.

-Chuy, you know how she is. -Mm-hm.

Bernie, the dance is Saturday and she hasn't asked you yet?

[laughs]

You ain't going to a damn thing.

[Chuy] Yup.

Not true.

Look, America, I'm sure Nessa, man, she gonna ask me.

It just take her a little time to do something nice.

You know, she's got to dig through all that layer of her evil.

She'll do the right thing.

She'll… she'll do the right thing.

So, what's up, kids?

What's happening this week, anything special?

-I get my cast off. -We might not have time, Jordan.

But it itches.

-Here. Use this. -Okay.

-Anybody else? What's happening? -Uncle Bernie, I--

Not now, Baby Girl.

Nessa, what's going on? What's rocking, baby? What's popping? [clicks fingers]

What's swinging this weekend?

-What's rocking, huh? -Oh, Bernie,

the Richters wanted to know if they could reschedule.

Hell no. You know, I hate the Richters.

They do manage our money.

Damn.

So, Nessa…

Oh, yeah, old Nessa's slick.

Acting like she didn't get the hint.

You know, maybe I should be a little bit more blatant.

Like hit her over the head with it.

[Bernie] ♪ Something don't look right ♪

♪ Something don't look right ♪

♪ Salt belongs over here ♪

♪ Pepper belongs right here ♪

♪ Now the table looks right ♪

♪ All right, come on ♪

Is there any butter?

♪ You want butter? ♪

♪ You want butter, oh…♪

♪ Here your butter ♪

♪ There your butter ♪

Thanks.

♪ You're welcome ♪

You're silly, Uncle Bernie.

♪ Say what? ♪

♪ I got it ♪

♪ I got it ♪

♪ I got it ♪

♪ I got it ♪

♪ Look, Nessa ♪

♪ Look, Nessa ♪

Those were some of my finest moves.

America, I'm starting to think she's not going to even ask me.

All right, fine.

After all I've done for her. Saved her from a life on the streets.

You know, if you take in a stray dog, it'll lick you.

You may catch something, but it'll lick you.

Fine.

And you know what else, America?

I don't even care about the dance anymore.

I wouldn't go to that dance if she asked me.

Why won't she ask me to the dance?

Honey, just ask her.

No.

It's her dance.

Hawkins don't ask Sadie, Sadie asks Hawkins.

That's the rule. That's the way it's always been.

You, uh, want me to take your mind off of it?

Mm, no.

I want to stew.

Okay.

[Wanda] Okay, why don't you want to go with him?

-What? -Vanessa, I know you,

and I know you want to go to this dance.

You do want to go, right?

Well, yeah, but--

And you see how badly your uncle wants to go.

How can you not see it?

-[laughs] -"Want some salt?"

It would mean a lot to him if you'd ask him.

We don't even get along.

Okay, I know you two may butt heads,

but are you telling me that you can't get along for one night?

For me?

But Uncle Bernie is so…

Okay, well, would you go with him?

Sweetie, I married him.

Oh, yeah.

[indistinct commentary on TV]

Saturday night, meet me at the front door at 7:00.

America, she got a lot of damn nerve.

That's no way to invite someone to a dance.

Let me read "invite."

"Invite: to request the participation of another

in a kindly, courteous, and complimentary way."

"Kindly, courteous, complimentary way."

You know, I ought to turn her down and not even go to her funky little dance.

Yeah, yeah, I'll be there.

It's important to her.

-How do I look, baby? -Baby, you look handsome.

I want to go to a father-daughter dance, too.

Oh, sweetie, I have a special night planned

for you and your brother.

Can we go to Video Fun Zone? Please, please, please?

Okay, okay, Jordan, relax.

We will talk about it when your sister

and your uncle has left for the dance, okay?

-Okay. -Okay.

That boy on speed, you know that?

[footsteps approaching]

Wow, Wanda.

-[Jordan] Whoa! -[Bryana] Ooh!

Nessa…

you look beautiful.

Thanks.

You look… nice.

Wow. This is for you.

[man] Ready, sir?

My lady, your carriage awaits you.

[gasps] A limo! Cool!

-Bernie, this is her special night. -[Jordan speaks indistinctly]

I want you to be on your best behavior.

What?

Like I'm a little kid. Baby, I'm always on my best behavior.

Honey, I mean it.

She had some reservations about asking you.

Just keep that in mind.

Well, who else she going to ask?

Her daddy? He won't be available for five to ten years.

And that's on good behavior.

Baby, stop.

Wanda, she's right, she's right. She got a point.

It's a father-and-daughter dance and her father's not around.

And you know what else?

I'm going to give her a special Bernie Mac father-and-daughter dance.

One she'll never forget 'cause I'm made like that.

America, I'm a giver.

Now her daddy, on the other hand…

Let's move on.

♪ With this World Trade ♪

♪ Naw brave any order but confoldure ♪

♪ Better make it home When nothin' seems to matter ♪

♪ That's when, see, Everything can go ♪

♪ Any which way ♪

♪ They got me fooled See the Henny with the J ♪

♪ Front porch, chillin' broke ♪

♪ Country folk, I'm Nappy With my ways, yo ♪

♪ All my life I've been poor ♪

♪ But it really don't matter no more ♪

♪ And they wonder why we act this way ♪

♪ Nappy boys gon' be okay ♪

This is nice, baby.

Bernie. Whoo, hey!

Hey, what's up, boy?

How you doing? You look good, man.

I got them fooled, don't I?

Hope you got your moves down for the contest tonight.

We could use a little competition.

Oh, you take us on, man? Look, look, look.

-Huh? -You know what?

I got the combination, boy. I got the combination.

-Whoo! -No, you don't.

By the end of the night, Nessa and I, man,

our shoes are going to be bronzed in the trophy case.

Watch and see, tonight. Am I right, baby?

Okay, all right, fathers, grab your daughters,

get on the dance floor, and show me what you got for me.

Let's show them what we got.

Back up off. Let tell you something.

Back up. Back up off it. Back, back, back up off it.

Come on, Nessa. Me and you, baby, it's our time.

No, this song's kind of whack. Maybe later.

"And the littlest ladybug slid down the anteater's throat

in search of her friend, the ant."

Oh, please. Can we watch videos?

Stop interrupting. I said after dinner.

Then can we eat already? I'm hungry.

Jordan, you watched me put the pizza in five minutes ago.

Now would you stop?

Aunt Wanda, what happens to the ladybug?

Okay, so, "The littlest ladybug

slid down the anteater's throat in search of her friend, the ant," and…

Um…

Oh, boy. The last page is missing.

But what happened to the ladybug and the ant?

They die.

-[chuckles] -Hey, Jordan, don't tell her that.

Baby, you know what? I'm sure they lived happily ever after.

But how do we know? They last page is missing.

You know why the last page is missing?

'Cause the anteater ate it.

Just like he ate the ladybug and the ant.

He chewed them up and he ate it.

-[laughs] -[sobbing]

Jordan, you may not want this special night,

but your sister and I do.

The ant is dead.

You know what? You should just go somewhere

-and sit down for a while. -Gladly.

[Wanda] No, the ant is not dead.

[dance music playing]

Don't do that, please.

Hey, hey, baby, Nessa, who's that?

-Uh, Mr. Cowan. -That's your favorite teacher, ain't it?

Mr. Cowan!

-What are you doing? -Come on, come on, come on.

Hey, Cowan! Come on, baby. Come on.

Mr. Mac, good to see you again.

-What's up, baby? How you doing? -I'm doing fine.

You're my niece's favorite teacher, man. All she talk about is you.

You, you, you. "Mr. Cowan this, Mr. Cowan that."

The house can't stand you. Baby Girl, you make her sick.

She's says, "Why don't you marry Mr. Cowan?"

Uncle Bernie.

-Huh? -Why don't we go get some punch?

Okay, sure, we get some punch. Mr. Cowan, it's a pleasure, boy.

-You're a cool white boy. Mr. Cowan. -Oh, thank you.

That's Mr. Cowan, baby.

Ugh. Why did you do that?

What you talking about? I'm making you look good, Nessa.

Why are you acting like this?

-How am I acting? -You're acting like you're crazy.

I'm acting like I'm crazy?

"Crazy"? Oh, I'm crazy.

What kind of fool wants to dance at a father-and-daughter dance, huh?

Mac, keep it together.

It's her night. It's her night.

Don't say nothing.

[Bryana crying]

Bryana, please stop crying.

Oh, okay. Could you just turn to the last page

and tell me what happened with the ladybug and the ant?

No, excuse you, I did buy the book.

It's just missing the last page.

He is really getting on my nerves.

Why can't he be normal?

I'm sure he's no worse than my dad.

-[tapping on microphone] -[microphone feedback]

[Bernie] What's up, you squares?

To all the L-7's in the house tonight.

I take it back.

Oh, my God. Look at your dad!

Uncle. My dad's in prison.

Right now, tonight, I want to dedicate this song

to a beautiful, finicky young lady

who just can't find the right song for her tonight.

But I'm going to play a song for her I know she cold going to dig

'cause I took her to ten stores to buy this single.

Listen, beautiful thing, chocolate thunder,

you meet me on the center killer floor here tonight,

and I'll show you how it's done.

Oh, yeah.

Ha. Here you go.

["Star" playing]

Want to see something?

Want to see some magic? Watch.

Huh. I'm popping. Look, listen, and learn.

Yeah, come on. Get it.

Come on. Get it. Huh. I'm right here.

I'm waiting for you.

Yeah. She'll be out in a few minutes.

She probably went to the bathroom or something.

Nessa?

♪ Since you left, the time ♪

Nessa?

♪ Has been so slow ♪

Nessa?

♪ See, I need you, boy ♪

[dance music playing]

Nessa!

Excuse me. Do you know Nessa?

[door opens]

[door closes]

Can you believe this?

The Mac Man ditched?

Hey, I am trying to be a father to someone

who don't know how to act like a daughter.

Just rude, mean, hateful.

Wouldn't know what to do with a daddy if she had one.

Huh. America, this is a disaster.

I can't imagine this evening going any worse.

To me, this ain't no bust a move, boo!

Huh.

[screaming]

[indistinct chatter]

Hey, Nessa.

Hey!

Excuse me.

This is the girls' bathroom.

Yeah, yeah, I know, I know. You all got enough blush on anyway.

Save some for high school. Go ahead. Y'all get on out of here.

Come on, get on out of here!

Fast…

-Oh, my God. -Whatever.

Nessa?

Nessa, I know you in here. I can see the shoes that you ditched me in.

Leave me alone.

Come on, Ness. I know how you feel.

I know you're really sad because your real father can't be here.

What?

I know why you didn't ask me to come to the dance.

I know you kind of upset about…

your real father's situation.

You know, from him being in the joint and everything.

This has nothing to do with my dad.

Come on, Nessa, this is me. You can talk to me.

Half of the girls here aren't with their real dads.

Okay, then, well, Nessa, if it ain't your real father,

what's the problem then?

My problem is you.

I didn't want to ask you because I knew it would be a disaster.

We don't get along at home, so why should we here?

Wow, Nessa.

You mean to tell me that…

your father ain't got nothing to do with this?

-That this is personal? -Duh.

Okay, then, Nessa.

It's on.

Oh, it's on for real now.

And I'm going to do just like your real daddy.

I'm going to leave.

Ooh!

[gasps]

What in the world? What did you do?

It was an accident! I swear!

The nozzle came off of the paint can and it wouldn't stop coming!

Where's the paint can now?

[gasping] My Pratesi sheets are in there!

[groans]

Oh, you are so dead.

[dance music playing]

Limousine coming.

I have to get my shawl.

By the time you get it, it'll be here.

[DJ] All right, fathers and daughters,

it's now time for the father-daughter dance contest!

You better bring it, take your daughter's left hand

with your right hand, and let's come to the floor. Hit it!

[dance music playing]

America, I refuse to let this night end this way.

I don't care what Nessa say.

We can have fun together,

and I'm going to show her that we can get along.

Even if I have to drag her kicking and screaming,

we're going to get in that dance contest.

It's pop time. It's my night.

Oh, yeah.

Nessa…

-What are you doin'? -Come on, we're going to win this contest.

-Come on. -I'm not dancing with you.

All right, fathers and daughters,

let's get this party started with… the bump.

-[dance music playing] -Just follow me. Follow me. Look. Come on.

Come on, Nessa. Bump!

Yeah! Now you mad.

Come on, Nessa, look at you.

[grunts]

Get your hips goin'…

All right, daddy dancers, I need to shift gears.

I want to know if you can Harlem make it.

-["Young'n" plays] -I need everybody to Harlem shake it.

-What? What that? -♪ Rollin', gold two seater ♪

♪ Stash in the dash Hole through heaters ♪

♪ Blocka! Put holes through beaters ♪

♪ Ghetto Fab stroll through Cheetahs ♪

♪ Balling, Brooklyn don ♪

♪ Addicted to Cris' hooked on Dom ♪

-Three-hundred-dollar sheets! -Ow!

Three-hundred dollars. Just… can't go and be still!

Gotta just ruin my new sheets, you little monster!

-Aunt Wanda. -$300… Ugh!

-But Aunt Wanda! -What?

Something's burning.

-[gasping] Ooh! My pizza! -[alarm beeping]

Oh! Oh, oh!

[yelling]

Where's the phone?

[yelling, whimpering]

Help!

Okay, we're down to our last two couples,

so we're going to see if y'all can bank head bounce.

♪ It's a Midwest thang, y'all ♪

♪ And they ain't got a clue ♪

♪ They ain't got a clue ♪

♪ Why my Cutlass blue ♪

♪ And I got them thangs on that too ♪

♪ It's a Midwest swang, y'all ♪

♪ And they ain't gotta trip ♪

♪ They ain't got a trip ♪

♪ While we swing and dip ♪

[coughing]

[groaning]

[laughing]

[DJ] And it looks like we have a winner!

We lost.

Yeah.

-That's sad. -Yeah, that is sad.

[panting]

-Do me a favor. -Hmm?

Help your uncle get over there.

-All right, you ready? -Okay.

Give me an hour, I'll come back, I'm going to kill 'em.

[siren whooping]

[indistinct chatter]

Hey, Wanda!

Here. [chuckling]

-Thank you. -[fireman] Mm-hmm.

Baby, you all right?

False alarm. I burned some pizza.

My stuff okay?

Yeah, and the kids are, too, thank you very much.

Oh, no, I'm s… You had a rough night, huh?

It was a total disaster.

No, it wasn't. It was awesome!

You had a good time?

Yeah! Uncle Bernie, the cheese caught on fire,

and the alarm went off. Then the firemen came.

I got to ride in the fire engine and hold the axe!

-That axe save lives, you know. -Yeah.

Uncle Bernie, can I have an axe?

-No. -Please.

-No. -Can I have your axe?

No.

[sighs] Look, I'm really tired. I'm going to go to bed.

Good night, Uncle Bernie.

Good night, Nessa.

-See you, baby. -See you.

Good night, Nessa.

Good night.

"Good night, Uncle Bernie."

I'm a hell of a man, Wanda.

Hell of a man.

Mm, a relationship.

"An emotional or other connection between people."

Well, hmm, I guess we got the other, and that's a start.

America, we could build on that.

Let's see what else I got up in here.

Here's a good one. All right, relapse.

"To fall or slip back into a former state."

Oh, Lord.

Y'all pray for me, America.

-[groaning] -[crew laughing]

-That's bull. -Yeah, that's some bull.

-I think we lost. -Uh, I think we did.

-That's sad. -That is sad.

-Lost to some Latino. [pants] -[giggles]

Let's move on.

Yeah. Hey. Is that a nurse over there?

-No, that… -That ain't…

-No, uh-uh. -She look like it.

Come on. Take me over there.

Let's see if she'll give me some mouth-to-mouth.

-That's a he. -Oh. Let's try him anyway.

Don't walk so fast.