Original subtitles

[♪ theme music playing]

[insects chirping]

[kids arguing]

[Jordan crying]

[Bryana screams]

[kids yelling]

[Jordan] Oh, no!

Ow! It was an accident!

Animals!

[Bryana] We're sorry.

[insects chirping]

[laughing]

[gasps] Glitter. I want some.

Hey. Hey, these are for my school project.

Touch these and die. Got it?

[singsong] You got in trouble.

You got in trouble. Ha, ha, ha.

-What? -[screams]

No, nothing. Nothing.

[chuckles nervously] Noth… Ow.

Uh, Uncle Bernie, you want to see my school project, too?

Not right now, Jordan.

[sighs]

Aunt Wanda, we forgot the mice.

Maybe your Uncle Bernie will take you.

Mice for what?

-Whoa! -[hisses]

A snake!

The boy brought a snake into my house.

Come on, America.

Now you know I don't care about no snake.

The only reason I jumped so quick

was 'cause the boy, he ripped the cover off so-so fast,

it caught me off guard.

You know, it baffled me. I was startled.

A little stunned.

'Cause you know, America, me and you tight.

You know damn well I ain't scared of no snake.

[snake hissing]

[birds chirping]

[Bernie] Boy, what you doing with that in here?

[Wanda] What's wrong, Uncle Bernie?

Are you afraid?

I'm not afraid of nothing.

Especially no doggone snake.

That snake better be scared of me.

Jordan get that out of here.

But I can't. It's homework.

I said I'd take care of it for a whole week.

And you're always saying,

"Mean what you say and say what you mean."

You said it.

You did say it, Bernie.

Mm-hmm.

I said that, huh?

That's homework, Jordan?

Yeah. I totally lucked out.

Byron had to watch an egg.

Mmm, looks harmless.

[snake hisses]

All right, I got some conditions.

You can keep this snake.

-Yes! -"Yeah," nothin'.

You got rule number one,

keep it inside the cage, Jordan.

Oh, but that's the fun part.

Rule number two,

don't let it out the cage.

And rule number three,

it better not come out that cage.

Okay.

I got a snake!

Keep it in the cage, Jordan!

Hey, what's that?

It's Kaa, my snake.

Isn't it great?

I wish I was a snake.

Eww, yuck.

Hey, can I hold him?

Nah. Get your own.

He's all mine.

Oh, Kaa…

I want a pet!

What?

How come Jordan gets a pet and I don't?

Jordan ain't got no pet. What you talkin' about?

Then what's that?

Whoa!

Jordan, what I tell you about that?

Didn't I tell you to keep it in the cage?

Now you tell Baby Girl it's your homework

and get it back in its cage.

He's right. It's my homework.

[singsong] I got a pet.

I got a pet.

See, it's his pet.

I got something special for you, Baby Girl, okay?

Now, Jordan, get it back in its cage.

-Uh-uh… Go! -You hear what I said?

-You think I'm playing with you? -Okay.

[Bernie] Here you go, Baby Girl.

Just for you.

I want a cookie, too.

You have a pet.

It's not a pet. It's homework.

You said so yourself.

Baby Girl, give your brother half the cookie.

But it's my cookie.

I'll give you a whole other cookie tomorrow.

Right now, I want you to share the cookie with your brother, okay?

Now, here.

Mmm, chocolate. My favorite.

I want chocolate.

Jordan, give your sister chocolate, you take vanilla.

-But-- -Give it to her.

Okay!

Eww!

Why you do that?

You did it on purpose.

You stankin' skunk.

Okay, okay, that didn't work out, all right?

I know what you're thinking, America.

I should've broke the cookie the other way, right?

-Her side's bigger! -His side's bigger!

See what I mean?

You see what I mean.

I can't win.

Ain't gonna win.

No matter what I do.

I give 'em this, give 'em that… ain't gonna win.

"His bigger than mine." "What type…"

Oh, you got me pet mice.

Sweetheart, sweetheart, they're not pets.

See, in-in nature, we have something

that we call a food chain.

And see, mice are for, uh…

Snake food.

[laughing evilly]

No, don't hurt him. He's mine.

-Ow! -Quit teasing.

And Baby Girl, calm down.

Listen, those are Jordan's mice.

But now he has two pets.

No, he does not. No one has any pets.

Uh, Bernie, she just wants something special, too.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Uh, Jordan, let your sister play with the mouse

just for a little while.

Whatever.

That was nice, baby.

I'm going to name you Boo Boo.

Look, Uncle Bernie, he made some raisins.

That ain't no raisins. That's doo-doo…

[snickering]

Honey, don't eat them.

Thanks, Uncle Bernie.

-You're welcome. -Boo Boo's going to love it.

Boo Boo!

Where are you?

Where's Baby Girl's mouse?

Where do you think? [snickering]

Why did you do that?

It was snake food.

It wasn't no snake food. That was her pet.

That's why she gave it a name.

She should've named it "Next."

-[yelling] -Hey, hey, come on, come on.

Uh-uh, uh-uh. Baby Girl, stop, stop.

Stop, stop, stop.

Now you know what?

Just for that, that snake going back Monday.

What? You can't do that!

Too bad!

This is all your fault!

Hey, hey…

Wait, wait, wait.

What's going on? Hey.

Wait, uh-uh, no, no.

Baby Girl, stop, stop.

Doggone it, humbuggin'.

We got the…

You don't hit. You don't hit.

Come… come on, now, Baby Girl…

Boy, stop it.

What's wrong with you? Stop!

[kids arguing]

[Bernie] Wanda! Wanda!

America, tell me something.

Why are these kids acting so bad?

I mean, they're bad kids, and everybody knows that.

But I've never seen them this bad.

I mean, they're at each other's throat day and night.

I don't know what's going on.

I'll tell you what it is.

It's classic interspecies rivalry, Bernie.

If you got a wild animal, bring him to an expert.

This is my main man, Jules Sylvester,

Hollywood animal expert.

Jules used to work on Born Free.

The problem, as I see it, Bernie, a home is an ecosystem.

It's a delicate life balance.

And each creature depends on the other for its survival.

And you've upset the balance by introducing a new species.

Well, I mean, Jules, what am I supposed to do?

Well, here's a radical idea.

You tag the boy's ear,

and you let him loose in the bush somewhere, like, uh, Tarzana,

and then see if he makes it back. And then…

[Jordan] What did you do with my snake?

He's missing and he's gone!

He's gone!

I like how you think.

-Hold that thought. -I will.

America, I'll be right back.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Hey, what you doing to your sister? Stop it.

What'd you do with him?

Let your sister go, boy.

Kaa's missing and she took him!

No, I didn't.

Then where is he now?

Baby Girl, where's the snake?

Now, hold on, Bernie. What kind of snake was it?

Well, you know, Jules, it-it was dark and it was green.

I think it was about from-from you all the way down there.

[laughs] Bernie, from what you described, it sounds like a little rat snake.

-It's completely harmless. -Yeah?

On the other hand, this guy will bite your face right off.

[crocodile growling]

Mama?

Did you take his snake? Where's his snake, Baby Girl?

I don't know!

My ballerina!

Boy, what the heck is wrong with you?

-There's my snake! -Where?

[snickering]

You know what?

Just for that, you're confined to this room, you hear me?

But I have to find my snake!

You should've thought about that when you broke her ballerina.

But she started it!

Shut up, Jordan. Enough is enough.

I'm sick of this "he said." All right? Let's go.

[mouthing]

[whispering] I'm going to kill you.

Uncle Bernie!

Don't make no doggone sense.

Why a school gonna send this boy home with a live snake?

Might as well give him a loaded pistol.

Don't know what's wrong with these doggone schools today.

It don't make no sense.

[Wanda and Vanessa laughing]

[mimicking laughter]

What y'all laughing at?

Y'all know there's an anaconda running around here?

Baby, please don't tell me you're afraid of a little snake.

[mimics snickering] We'll see how funny it is

when I got to cut both you out his belly.

That's right. Out his belly!

Out his belly!

Anyway, he looks so powerful in those boots.

[laughing]

[hissing]

[Bryana] Jordan… [hissing]

Jordan.

[screams] Hey! Let me in!

-[screaming] -[turns on loud rap music]

Let me in!

Somebody, please!

Help me! Please!

America, a half an hour

he had Baby Girl trapped in that window.

I mean, atrophy was settin' all in

and the boy was just standing there grinning.

[mimicking laughter]

I'm telling you, we got Wild Kingdom all up in here.

I got two hyenas going at each other,

and I got a serpent running around here loose.

That reminds me. I've got just the thing for that wee-beastie.

Hey… [whistles] Get over here.

Good boy. This is an African Cape Vulture.

-Right here. -[snarling honk]

Very rare, very vicious.

-It's a snake's natural enemy. -Is it?

[Jules] Its claws are sharp.

-See those claws? -Yeah.

[Jules] Sharp as knives.

This is a snake-eating machine, Bernie.

Yeah, I see it.

I see it.

-[laughing] -[honking]

Put your fingers in there.

He thinks they look just like snakes. Do it.

-[honking] -Yeah. Okay.

-Oh. Oh! -Okay.

[honking]

You can go now.

Best to.

-Go on. Shoo. -[honking]

See? All you have to say is "shoo," Bernie, that's it.

Okay.

Oh.

I'll bust your…

Could I sleep in here tonight?

But you have your own bed, honey.

Jordan said he's going to kill me.

Nobody's going to kill anybody.

I'm scared.

Come on.

[Bernie] Come on, Baby Girl.

Don't you worry about nothing.

If Jordan try anything, I swear…

He don't want nothing to happen to you.

Ooh!

[chokes]

[weakly] That was a low blow.

Low and inside, America.

Cut the camera off so I can adjust.

[rustling]

[sighing with relief]

[Bernie] Jordan!

Boy, you know you ain't asleep.

Get up!

Yeah…

Get up.

Get your butt up.

You know better.

-Oh-- -[Wanda screaming]

In there!

[♪ snake charming music playing]

Aah!

Eeh!

Okay.

It's dead.

She killed it!

Shouldn't say that, Jordan.

It was an accident.

[panting]

[Bryana] I was mad 'cause Jordan broke my ballerina.

So I threw her head at the snake,

but the stupid snake ate it.

Then I got scared, so I threw it down the toilet.

[crying] My snake.

He ate Boo Boo!

[growls]

You're so dead!

It was an accident.

[all yelling at once]

Come on. Y'all know better than this.

You know better than that.

[yelling continues]

[Bernie] Now look here. Now, come on, now.

America, I tried to open my mind

to that ecosystem stuff.

But this ain't no ecosystem.

This here is Mac system.

And this is my house.

And I have ways of dealing with them kids.

Okay, let them act like animals.

They want to act like alligators,

I'll whoop their alligator ass.

If they want to act like hyenas,

I'll whoop their hyena ass.

And if they want to act like bears

America… I'll whoop their bare ass.

[ringing]

[coughing]

Yeah, y'all haven't seen this.

No, you haven't.

'Cause I only bring this out when I'm not playing.

And right now, I'm not playing.

This nonsense end right now.

Baby Girl,

what you did was wrong, and you know better.

That's why you got to be punished.

That means no television for you for a month.

[snickers]

[imitates snicker] Nothing.

What you laughing at?

The same go for you.

You sitting around here, setting booby traps all around the house.

You could have took your sister's head off.

Let me tell both of y'all something right now.

It stops right now.

If I got to come back in here, Jordan,

and you, too, Baby Girl,

prepare to feel the pain.

I mean, the pain.

I think he meant it.

He was pretty scary.

[gong ringing]

I think that done the trick.

Well done, belt.

Well done.

[sighs]

[whispers] Well done.

Look, America, it's not me that wants to hit them kids.

It's the belt.

It's been locked up for 30 years.

That belt is hungry, America.

Hungry.

[Jordan grunting]

[Bryana] Hey, let me in.

[screaming]

Let me in!

And you know what it's hungry for.

I don't believe this.

I don't believe this.

-[thudding] -[Jordan] Help.

Stop, stop, stop, stop.

No. Bryana…

-Stupid. -You want a cookie?

You want a cookie? I got a cookie.

Okay, no more Mr. Nice Guy.

I'm going to give you one…

[muttering]

What the hell is going on in here?

[both] Nothing.

Y'all are here fighting?

[both] No.

Y'all are here fighting?

Y'all see anybody scuffle?

What's this? Huh?

I guess this ain't nothing, huh?

Uh-uh.

[quiet groan] Oh.

All right, I'll tell you what.

Just say, I'll believe you this time.

But if I got to come back in here

there's going to be a discrepancy.

Can you dig it?

[Jordan squeaks]

[door slams]

[high-pitched] Ow.

Ow! Ow. Ow, no. Abuse.

Ow.

Well, my man, Jules,

look like everything back to normal.

I wouldn't be too sure of that, Bernie.

What you talking about, man?

I had Big Mama's belt.

I laid down the law, man.

Sibling rivalry is extinct.

It went away with the dodo,

the saber-tooth tiger, the woolly mammoth.

I think it's more likely they've adapted.

You see, a species will conform to their environment.

-Hmm. -It's evolution.

Those creatures who can fight without you detecting it

-will survive to adulthood. -Okay.

Unless they're killed by the super predator.

-That's me. -No.

There is another.

Okay.

Here you go, Baby Girl.

Come on, Baby Girl, eat.

Eat.

Good girl.

Chew it.

Roll that around your mouth.

[snickers]

[wheezing]

[loud wheeze]

[groans]

[roars]

[both] You did it!

[growling]

Uh-oh. Something's happening.

[growling]

[Jordan] Oh, no!

Jules, what's going on?

They've awakened the super predator.

-Who? -Shh!

[menacing theme plays]

[sounds of wild boars squealing]

[fierce lion growling]

She's a beauty.

And vicious.

Well, America,

nature's balance has been restored.

Shh!

The super predator is asleep.

She just fed, but soon, she'll need to feed again

so be careful, America.

It's a jungle out there.

Don't put your fingers anywhere near him.

-He thinks they look like snakes. -[honking loudly]

That's right, good boy.

Don't you even think about it.

-You go home now. -Go ahead home.

-Shoo. -[honking]

[laughing]

-He likes you. -Yeah, that's all right.

America, I may be a lot of things,

but dumb ain't one of them.

Next time my mother-in-law flies in here…

I mean, next time he fly up in here…

-[flapping] -That's all, y'all.

That's-that's… Cut!