Original subtitles

[opening theme music playing]

America, this year, I got killed in the stock market.

I think you all know what I mean.

America, it was ugly.

My portfolio disappeared quicker than the Commodores

after Lionel Richie left.

Yeah, but y'all don't see Bernie Mac on no ledge

of no building ready to jump.

Uh-uh. That's because I diversified.

I got real estate.

This house here, my greatest asset.

It's a type of investment that ought to appreciate in value

even when the economy is bad.

And that feels good.

Just like this central air conditioning

feels good.

[machine cycling on and off]

Feels real good.

[machine running steadily]

Now that feels good.

♪ This gonna make 'em happy This gonna make 'em happy ♪

♪ This gonna make 'em happy This gonna make 'em happy ♪

♪ This gonna make 'em… happy ♪

[suspenseful music playing]

What in the hell happened?

Nessa.

Damn.

Baby girl.

Who in the hell did…

I am Tiger Woods!

I am Tiger Woods!

Tiger Woods, I am!

I am going to kick Jordan's ass.

My beautiful grounds, America, they've been ground down.

And I'm gonna kill them kids.

They're depreciating my greatest asset,

and I don't appreciate it.

This ain't your normal wear and tear, America.

Those kids are gonna make it right, or I'm gonna make it hurt.

Why can't you get the gardener to do it?

The gardener didn't mess it up, you did. I want you to start with the sod.

Plant it yourself.

Don't you tempt me. I'll fertilize it with your crushed-up bones.

But I told Shannon I would go to the mall with her today.

Nessa, the mall is closed today. It's a holiday.

What holiday?

Clean 'em up, fix 'em up day. A day of remembrance.

Remember how my house looked before you three rascals came.

Now clean it up!

[dog barking in distance]

[ice cubes rattle]

[harmonica playing]

[blood hound howling]

Takin' it off here, boss?

Take it off there, son.

Watering down here, boss?

Water up, baby girl.

♪ I don't really care ♪

♪ If it's peace you find in dying ♪

This is stupid, boss. I'm out of here.

[gun cocks, fires]

Going back to work, boss.

-[horse neighs] -Next one will be in your ass.

♪ 'Cause it's cold way down there ♪

♪ I hear that it's cold way down there ♪

♪ Yeah, crazy cold way down there ♪

-[thumping] -[music abruptly stops]

Wake up. We got to talk.

Lord, I know I'm dreaming,

'cause there ain't no real child gonna kick my chair.

Jordan and Bryana are goofing off.

So, if I'm the only one doing the work, I should get more money.

What money, stool pigeon?

The extra allowance for extra work.

Extra money?

[laughs]

Look, America, I pay these kids allowance

to do their chores, to clean their rooms.

But if they think I'm going to pay them extra

for the stuff they mess up, they got another thing coming.

Extra money?

They can kiss my…

Good, baby girl. Very good.

Nessa, you on it, baby. You on it.

Now, this is what I'm talking about.

[whistle blowing]

Quitting time!

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, where do you think you're going?

-This ain't no scheduled pee break. -We're done.

Done? You all see that hole?

It's going halfway to China.

It looks like a bomb hit it, huh?

Nessa, that's $200 worth of sod there frying in the sun.

Yeah, and it only would've cost you 20 bucks for me to plant it.

Oh…

I see the game you all are trying to play.

You all trying to hold my yard hostage against me.

Mmm-hmm.

Hey, baby girl. Now, I know

you're not foolish enough to defy me with these idiots.

Then you don't know me very well.

From now on, if you want to talk to her,

you've got to talk to me.

Cahoots!

I can't believe it, America!

Who do they think they are? Teamsters?

After all I done for them, they went and unionized on me!

Yeah, okay, I wonder if that hole

is big enough out there for three.

Now, both sides have grievances and you'll both get a turn to speak,

without being interrupted, Bernie.

Vanessa, you start.

Okay, here's the deal.

If you expect us to do extra work around here,

then we expect to get paid for it.

[laughs]

Secondly, we want breaks.

Lots of them.

I'll give you breaks.

-I'll break your leg against your thigh-- -Bernie!

To continue.

And would it kill you to say "please" and "thank you" every now and then?

"Please" and "thank you"?

How about, "Thank you for saving my sorry ass

from a life on the street"?

Ingrates.

The nerve of them kids!

When I was their age, America, I didn't make demands. No, sir.

I appreciated everything that I got.

I kept my head down, I didn't make eye contact.

I was respectful.

Nowadays, kids got demands.

Think they can negotiate.

They don't appreciate a…

[low growling]

[scoffs]

[sets lighter on table] Boo.

Twenty dollars each?

I ain't paying them kids no 60 bucks!

Labor demands have gone too far, America,

and Bernie Mac will not succumb!

Those kids don't…

Excuse me, America.

Bernie Mac is about to succumb.

If there's one thing about Bernie Mac,

he's a fair man.

Okay, they finish the work, they'll get paid.

This is the way it's supposed to be. Now, I like this.

I like the work that you all have done.

That's great. Now say it with cash.

Oh, I'm gonna say it with cash.

You bet your last dollar.

$15, $16. Payday's the sweetest day of the week.

$17, $18…

I want to know what all you kids gonna do with all this money.

$19, $20.

There you go.

Ho, ho, hold on, hold on, hold on. Did you all brush your teeth?

-Yeah. -Yeah, so?

Okay, well, that change a lot of stuff here.

Okay, let me see, you brushed your teeth,

so that's toothpaste, that's 43 cents.

You all ate breakfast, French toast, that's $1.50.

Okay, you had butter, that's 30 cent.

Bacon, that's $1.25.

And you had orange juice, 90 cent.

You had seconds. There'll be no free refills around here, son.

You used the phone. Six phone calls. That's two dollars.

You, bought you a pair of socks,

$7.50.

And baby girl, you had a whole bunch of candy.

That came down to $2.35.

And let's not forget about electric use,

liability insurance, real estate tax.

That comes to a total…

Let me see. You have 25.

[mutters]

[stomping feet]

Okay, okay. All right.

Quarter for you, baby girl.

And Vanessa, 13 cent.

And Jordan, you owe me $9.

[moans]

You must be trippin'.

You can always make additional funds by doing extra chores.

Like vacuuming, washing the car.

But there'll be a nominal charge there too.

You got hose rental, you got water usage. And I'll throw in the suds for free.

I knew you would do something crazy like this.

We're not doing anything else around here.

You're not?

What do you do around here?

Whatever it is, we're not doing it anymore.

We're officially on strike. No pay, no way.

Yeah! No pay, no way!

[all] No pay, no way!

[chanting] No pay, no way!

No pay, no way!

"No pay, no way"?

That threat got less teeth than baby girl.

Let 'em strike.

It won't make a dent in my day.

No pay, no way. No pay, no way.

It looked kind of cute, though. I was flattered.

♪ Don't wanna believe What they're telling me ♪

♪ Somebody's been Pickin' in my cherry tree ♪

♪ Don't wanna mistrust nobody by mistake ♪

[groans]

♪ Someone's been diggin' Round in my cake ♪

♪ And I ain't gonna stand for it… ♪

Okay.

America, this work stoppage is worse than I anticipated.

Production at the Bernie Mac factory,

or Mactory, if you will, has come to a screeching halt.

Boss can't even get a cup of coffee.

This is bull.

Hey, man, spot us a couple bucks

for a pack of smokes?

Man, get a job.

[vacuum running]

Oh, how clean!

What…

Hi, Wanda. Dependents.

Who are they?

[vacuum running]

They are the new yous.

[loud thud]

Uh, uh, Bernie, what's going on?

Relax, baby. This is between me and my staff.

-Ooh! -Excuse me.

Uncle Bernie, there's a weird-looking kid with a nose ring making my bed.

[Vanessa] Get out of my closet!

There's somebody smoking in the bathroom.

-Oh, no. -Bernie, who are these people?

Well, sweetheart, depends on who you ask.

To me? They're a cheap, dependable workforce.

But to labor, they'll be known as scabs.

[light music playing]

[laughs joyfully]

[laughing]

Capitalism… I do love it.

Open markets. Spirit of competition.

That's the American way.

Yes, sir. But these kids thought they had a monopoly.

Well, Monopoly's a game that Bernie Mac don't play.

They don't want to work? Fine.

I'll put 'em on disability.

That's for you, that's for you, and that's for you.

Got a little extra in there, man.

Treat yourself to a nicotine patch or something like that, okay?

But listen, same time tomorrow, okay?

I'mma have a nice spread for you. Y'all like Royal Burgers?

-[men] Yeah! -[cheering]

All right. Get on out of here, man.

-Thanks, man. -You're welcome.

How come you're paying them and you won't pay us?

I find joy in paying them

because they have less attitude and more gratitude.

I hope you find joy in the fact that everybody in this house hates you.

You can buck, stew, and hate all you want,

it ain't gonna change a damn thing.

My roof, my rules,

end of story. Now epilogue.

[under breath] I hate you.

What you still doing here?

Is she seeing anyone?

[door slams]

[softly] I'm gone.

Can we have graham crackers?

Are you kidding?

We can have anything we want.

We can stay up late, sleep in,

we can eat whatever we want, and he can't say anything about it.

But instead of a tent, how about a tree house

with a pit and pointy sticks?

A moat. Yeah, a moat would be great.

Yeah. Everybody save up your pee, okay? Save up your pee.

What the hell you all doing?

None of your business. We don't live under your roof anymore.

Oh, I see what you all are trying to do.

You all want to brave the element, huh?

Well, let's see how well you all do in the wilds of Encino.

Turn my yard into a shanty town.

When those possums and raccoons start biting y'all, y'all end up inside!

This isn't a lockout, America, this is a walkout.

Those little ingrates refuse to face facts.

In this Mactory, I am CEO, CFO, Comptroller, Controller,

Chairman of the Board, and the Board.

They're just temps

living in the backyard like a litter of possums…

heathens, squirrels,

coons, rats, skunks, lizards.

Bryana, turn the light back on.

Aw, peanut butter and jelly?

Why couldn't we steal cheeseburgers?

My juice box is getting warm.

Bryana, that's your third one. We have to make these last.

Do you smell what I smell?

Yeah, knock it off.

No, no… the yummy smell.

[zipper rasps]

-Oh… ribs. -[meat sizzling]

Oh, my God.

Mesquite baby back ribs!

House special!

Too bad you don't live in the house.

Can you dig it?!

-I want ribs! -Jordan, no!

[Jordan crying]

Can't you see what he's trying to do? We have to be strong.

But I need meat. I'm iron deficient.

Nice try.

[Jordan groans]

Mmm, mmm!

Yes, sir.

I got to hand it to 'em, they do have willpower.

I don't know if I could pass these up.

Luckily, I don't have to.

'Cause I'm not stupid, America, not like them ignorant kids,

living out there in that flimsy tent.

No, sir, they're crazy.

[owl hoots]

Oh, God, I miss TV.

I miss ice cream.

Oh, I miss my Lactaid ice cream.

We've only been in here six hours.

[water pattering]

[both] Rain?

Hey, kids.

Dry season, got to keep the place hydrated.

Sorry!

Sorry.

I'm still hungry. Can I have another one?

You're not getting one of mine.

Here. It would help if you ate the cookie part too.

But I only eat the middle.

We're gonna need more food.

Somebody's gonna have to sneak into the house.

There's probably leftover ribs in the refrigerator.

I'll do it.

I already got to do number one, anyways.

But don't get caught. We don't want to give Uncle Bernie the satisfaction.

[whispers] Get extra sauce!

[Vanessa] What's taking her so long?

[Jordan] Maybe she got her numbers mixed up.

[Vanessa] It's been over half an hour. Something's wrong.

[cartoon playing on TV]

[stifles laughter]

Excuse me, America, if I seem a little smug.

But I did enjoy that.

I knew she would crack, trust me.

The boy can't be far behind.

Ow!

The ground's hard, I think I'm on a root.

So move.

Ow! The last time I slept on the floor was in Chicago.

Then pretend you're back there.

I don't want to pretend I'm back there! This is stupid!

-Just go to sleep. -No! Uh-uh!

[birds chirping]

[sighs] There, that wasn't so bad.

I bet we could stay in here for a whole week.

[scoffs]

Uncle Bernie's right.

The boy is soft.

[cartoon playing on TV]

Mmm.

Traitors.

[Bernie slurps]

Hey, Nessa, what you doing here?

You won, okay?

-Huh? -You won. Happy, now?

[chuckles] You think I ain't?

But let's be real, baby, it was just a matter of time.

Four years, three months, and twelve days.

"Four years, three months, and twelve days."

That's her 18th birthday.

I don't want her counting the days till she get out of here, that's my job.

Hold on, Nessa, we're not done.

-[sighs] What? -Sit down.

Look, I know you think living with me is unbearable.

-I was doing fine in Chicago. -No, you weren't.

No, you weren't. You have no idea the road you was going down.

You look at your friends back home. Look like they having a good time, right?

But I guarantee you, nine time out of ten,

they was heading down a street called "nowhere."

Nessa, you and I are gonna butt heads.

That's just the way it's gonna be.

But you're part of this family,

and nobody gets paid for that, nobody.

You're a smart kid.

I don't know why you can't realize you got everything. Look around you.

Nessa, you win.

You got everything you want, everything you need.

And all I ask is that you contribute.

I'm gonna tell you something, if you can't do that,

it's gonna be the longest four years,

three months, and twelve days

of your life.

Do you understand me?

Good.

Finish your breakfast.

Uncle Bernie?

Yeah, baby.

I'm sorry.

Me too.

That was a breakthrough, America.

You may not have understood her,

but that was Nessa-talk for "I'm sorry, you're right."

"You know everything, and I'll do whatever you say

this day forward."

Well, maybe the last part was wishful thinking,

but it was a breakthrough.

Here you go.

Thank you, man.

I still bring them in on the weekend.

Good help is hard to find.

Them! They went and unionized on me!

Yeah. Okay.

I wonder if that hole is big enough out there for three.

I'll put Vanessa first, facedown.

Then put that ol' four-eyed one on top of her.

And baby girl, let her squirm here,

but I let her head stick out the dirt.

[chuckles]

Till she say, "I'm sorry." Now, you know, she cute.

I might pull her out.

But that first one… she the ringleader.

See, you cut the head off, the body follow.