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1
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[opening theme music playing]
2
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America, Bernie Mac
just got taken for a fool.
3
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I mean, there I was
driving the kids to school,
4
00:00:23,606 --> 00:00:27,110
minding my own business,
when out of nowhere… bam! Bam!
5
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I got cornered by these two women.
6
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I call them "hustlers in minivans,"
that's what they were.
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Tell me they gon' cut me in
on a great deal called a carpool.
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Instead of me driving the kids
to school five days a week,
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I only got to drive them two.
10
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Sounds like a good deal, right?
11
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Yeah, a deal with the devil.
12
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Yeah. A deal with the devil!
13
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Nasty little ankle-biters
messing up my doggone car.
14
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There ought to be a law.
15
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[sobbing] America, it ain't right.
16
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El Medio, El Medio.
17
00:01:01,895 --> 00:01:03,354
Where in the hell…
18
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Jordan, Jordan, other kid,
pay attention now, come on.
19
00:01:07,442 --> 00:01:10,278
It's right over…
Ugh! You bakin' air muffins…
20
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-Don't touch me. It smells like eggs!
-[groaning]
21
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I did not.
22
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-It does.
-He who smelt it…
23
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[groaning] Okay, okay, Jor…
Jordan, Jordan!
24
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Don't think I can't warm your behind
and drive at the same time.
25
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That's why I got automatic.
26
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You all too doggone young
to have that type of scent.
27
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Now, look here, where's Steven house?
28
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-You passed it. It's the yellow one with…
-[farts]
29
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-Ugh! You did it again, you nasty creep!
-Oh…
30
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Okay, all right, all right, all right.
31
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You want to play, right?
32
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You think you can hang
with the big boys, huh?
33
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You think you can hang with the big boys?
34
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Now see how you like the smell
of Bernie… Bernie Mac in the morning.
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[grunts] Yeah. Get a whiff of that aroma.
36
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[coughing, groaning]
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[sighs]
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Hi. I'm so sorry. It's a zoo in here.
39
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Steven, hurry up!
40
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Hi. You must be Bernie.
I'm Betty. Pleased to meet you.
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It's a pleasure. I am so glad you're doing
the carpooling with us.
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Uh… Steven, you got five seconds!
43
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[chuckling]
44
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-Ouch!
-[baby fussing]
45
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[horn honks]
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Come on, kid. We got 20 minutes.
47
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No nerds on this side. Other side.
48
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Sorry, fatty, other side.
49
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Let him in.
50
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This side's broken. Look. [snickers]
51
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Stop playing. Let him in now!
52
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Sorry.
53
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How come nobody told me
it's gon' be like this?
54
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Y'all should have stopped me.
55
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Those some bad kids, America,
and I mean bad kids.
56
00:03:01,764 --> 00:03:03,725
I can't do this a whole school year.
57
00:03:03,808 --> 00:03:06,060
Uh-uh. Things about to change, America.
58
00:03:06,144 --> 00:03:09,981
Those kids are going to learn
about carpooling Bernie Mac-style.
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I mean, they gon' get
a little driver education.
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[smug chuckle]
Yeah, breaking wind and… Okay.
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-[school bell rings]
-[horn honking]
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Y'all in? I want y'all to listen up
'cause here's how it's gonna be.
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There'll be no breaking wind
up in this car.
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00:03:31,961 --> 00:03:35,882
Only gas that I want to smell
will be unleaded. Okay?
65
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I want you in here.
I want your butt seated, buckled.
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I want you clenched and quiet.
67
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Now, rule number two.
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Bernie Mac will not be kept waiting.
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My time is precious.
70
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You understand that? You got 15 seconds.
71
00:03:52,523 --> 00:03:54,484
I want you ready before I pull up,
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and then you'll get one courtesy beep.
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-It sound like this.
-[horn honks]
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After that, you got 15 seconds…
not 16, not 17.
75
00:04:03,159 --> 00:04:04,786
Let me break it down like a fraction.
76
00:04:05,245 --> 00:04:09,332
Okay, I don't care if Halle Berry
is loaded on wine coolers
77
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and she's wearing her Oscar dress.
78
00:04:11,209 --> 00:04:14,504
You better get her out here in 15 seconds.
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00:04:14,587 --> 00:04:18,299
If not, you all both gon' be
a sweet picture in my rear view mirror.
80
00:04:18,383 --> 00:04:19,342
You understand?
81
00:04:19,425 --> 00:04:22,095
-How many beeps?
-Just one, blubber-butt.
82
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Just one, Kevin.
83
00:04:25,556 --> 00:04:29,811
Now, for the entire ride,
I want complete silence, okay?
84
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Only thing I want to hear
is "Thank you, Mr. Mac,"
85
00:04:32,772 --> 00:04:36,651
and that's only when I'm slowing down
and I'm getting ready to shove y'all out.
86
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-You can't do that.
-Who said I can't do it?
87
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My dad's a lawyer.
He'll sue your pants off.
88
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Keep on talking. Keep on talking.
You'll wish your pappy was a orthodontist.
89
00:04:46,869 --> 00:04:49,247
Okay? Now, you write that down
in your notebook.
90
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All right, from here on in, shut up!
91
00:04:51,582 --> 00:04:54,127
There! Now, let's do some carpooling.
92
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[chuckling softly]
"My daddy's a lawyer." Who gives a…
93
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♪ Keep on runnin' ♪
94
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♪ Keep on runnin' from my love ♪
95
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♪ Keep on runnin' ♪
96
00:05:06,180 --> 00:05:07,849
♪ Yeah ♪
97
00:05:07,932 --> 00:05:10,643
♪ Keep on runnin' from my love ♪
98
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♪ Some folks think that
You're really, really fine ♪
99
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♪ All you wanna be
Is just a friend of mine ♪
100
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♪ But I know ♪
101
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-[horn honks]
-[watch beeps]
102
00:05:21,529 --> 00:05:24,032
♪ The man you're with's
Gonna break your heart ♪
103
00:05:24,115 --> 00:05:27,160
♪ And you'll be sad real soon ♪
104
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♪ Yeah ♪
105
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[watch beeps]
106
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Wait, wait!
107
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♪ Keep on runnin' ♪
108
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-♪ Keep on runnin' from my love ♪
-Wait!
109
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-Steven, wait! Don't!
-Hurry up!
110
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-[kids yelling]
-Come on! Come on!
111
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♪ Keep on runnin' from my love ♪
112
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♪ Some folks say that
You're really, really fine ♪
113
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♪ Well, all you wanna be
Is just a friend of mine ♪
114
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♪ But I know ♪
115
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♪ I'm gonna catch up with him ♪
116
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♪ Real soon ♪
117
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[all] Thank you, Mr. Mac.
118
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Now, what time this afternoon?
119
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[all] 2:35.
120
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All right, gang,
let's synchronize our watches.
121
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I don't have a watch.
122
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That boy's a little challenge.
123
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But he's a good kid.
They're all good kids.
124
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They just need the fear
of Mac put in them.
125
00:06:26,427 --> 00:06:29,764
'Cause, see, kids respond to strength.
They look for that in a leader.
126
00:06:29,847 --> 00:06:32,975
I mean, no offense, America,
but see, most of these carpool drivers
127
00:06:33,059 --> 00:06:35,812
are the weak soccer moms
and those softball dads.
128
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Y'all know what I'm talking about.
129
00:06:37,355 --> 00:06:39,524
But America, don't be weak.
130
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Get your kids synchronized.
131
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♪ People ♪
132
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♪ Keep on learnin' ♪
133
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Doesn't make no sense
to synchronize our watches… [mutters]
134
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-♪ Keep on warrin' ♪
-[Jordan snickering]
135
00:06:58,668 --> 00:07:00,086
♪ World ♪
136
00:07:01,671 --> 00:07:03,214
♪ Keep on turnin' ♪
137
00:07:03,297 --> 00:07:04,841
[grunting]
138
00:07:04,924 --> 00:07:06,968
♪ Because it won't be too long ♪
139
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Come here. Apologize.
140
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-Sorry.
-Not you.
141
00:07:10,179 --> 00:07:11,514
-You.
-I'm sorry.
142
00:07:11,597 --> 00:07:12,723
-Say it again.
-Sorry.
143
00:07:12,807 --> 00:07:13,724
Give it back to him.
144
00:07:14,642 --> 00:07:16,227
-You come on with me.
-Ow, my neck! Ow!
145
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-Shut up.
-That's a pressure point. Please, no!
146
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[chuckling] He's sorry.
147
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Yeah, but not as sorry as he's gonna be.
148
00:07:27,947 --> 00:07:30,992
America, Jordan picking on somebody?
149
00:07:31,075 --> 00:07:33,244
Who in the hell does he think he is?
150
00:07:33,327 --> 00:07:34,370
Well, it seems to me
151
00:07:34,454 --> 00:07:36,706
that he finally found someone
weaker than he is
152
00:07:36,789 --> 00:07:38,458
and got a little taste of power.
153
00:07:38,541 --> 00:07:41,711
And America, we all know
that power corrupts,
154
00:07:41,794 --> 00:07:42,920
but not no more.
155
00:07:43,004 --> 00:07:46,048
From now on, Jordan's going
to be nice to that boy,
156
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and, in fact, he's gonna be friends.
Best friends.
157
00:07:50,178 --> 00:07:53,181
[imitates Jordan snickering]
Yeah, okay. We'll see.
158
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[doorbell rings]
159
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[Bernie] Hey, Kevin, come on in.
160
00:07:58,019 --> 00:07:59,687
Well, I'm so glad you could make it.
161
00:07:59,770 --> 00:08:02,773
Hey, Jordan, your friend Kevin's here.
162
00:08:02,857 --> 00:08:05,026
Jordan's really excited that you come.
163
00:08:05,109 --> 00:08:08,362
Oh, well, here he is.
Hey, Jordan, your friend Kevin.
164
00:08:08,446 --> 00:08:11,407
Both of us, we're so glad you
could make it. Aren't we, Jordan?
165
00:08:11,491 --> 00:08:13,159
Come on in. Hey.
166
00:08:15,953 --> 00:08:18,623
If you touch it again, I will kill you!
167
00:08:18,706 --> 00:08:20,583
You should have used the gum-based epoxy.
168
00:08:20,666 --> 00:08:22,502
Just don't touch anything.
169
00:08:23,252 --> 00:08:25,171
Well, what do you want to do, then?
170
00:08:27,340 --> 00:08:29,300
All right, who wants
some milk and cookies?
171
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Kevin? Jordan, why y'all not playing?
172
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I don't got anything to do.
173
00:08:32,720 --> 00:08:34,222
What do you mean?
174
00:08:34,305 --> 00:08:36,224
Show him a magic trick.
Kevin, you like magic?
175
00:08:36,307 --> 00:08:38,017
-Yeah.
-Good. Show him a magic trick,
176
00:08:38,100 --> 00:08:39,519
where you chop your finger off.
177
00:08:39,602 --> 00:08:41,437
-[groans]
-Show him…
178
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I'll show it to you, Kevin.
What… Here it is.
179
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[sighs] Now, watch this, Kevin.
Watch this.
180
00:08:47,944 --> 00:08:49,695
Okay, slide in something like that.
181
00:08:49,779 --> 00:08:51,906
Put this in there, and voilà!
182
00:08:51,989 --> 00:08:53,074
Don't break it.
183
00:08:53,157 --> 00:08:55,368
I'm not gonna break it.
I know what I'm doing.
184
00:08:55,451 --> 00:08:57,453
-Good. Now put your finger in there.
-I'm scared.
185
00:08:57,537 --> 00:09:00,790
I'm just gonna chop your finger off.
Put it in there. Don't be scared.
186
00:09:00,873 --> 00:09:03,334
Look, you put your finger
in there, and bam!
187
00:09:03,417 --> 00:09:05,836
[screaming]
188
00:09:05,920 --> 00:09:08,589
Look at that. Ke… uh, Kevin, Kevin.
It's a toy.
189
00:09:08,673 --> 00:09:10,925
See, I got all my fingers. Look, look.
190
00:09:11,008 --> 00:09:12,176
[screaming]
191
00:09:12,260 --> 00:09:14,428
[laughs]
192
00:09:14,512 --> 00:09:16,806
-I hate him.
-Don't say that. Don't say that.
193
00:09:18,015 --> 00:09:22,353
Okay, America, between you and me,
that Kevin's strange.
194
00:09:22,436 --> 00:09:25,815
I'm talking circus strange.
But I don't mean he should be picked on.
195
00:09:25,898 --> 00:09:28,109
No, no. See, Jordan's got to learn.
196
00:09:28,192 --> 00:09:31,279
You got to do right by people.
Even circus people.
197
00:09:31,362 --> 00:09:32,363
[doorbell rings]
198
00:09:33,030 --> 00:09:34,657
[both] Hi!
199
00:09:34,740 --> 00:09:36,659
Ted Ross. We talked on the phone.
200
00:09:36,742 --> 00:09:38,244
This is my boss, Pat.
201
00:09:38,327 --> 00:09:39,287
-Hi, Pat.
-Hi.
202
00:09:39,370 --> 00:09:41,372
Thank you so much for having Kevin over.
203
00:09:41,455 --> 00:09:42,748
You boys have a good time?
204
00:09:42,832 --> 00:09:44,667
You're late. Take him.
205
00:09:44,750 --> 00:09:46,127
Uh… uh, we, uh…
206
00:09:46,210 --> 00:09:48,754
We was just getting ready
to invite Kevin over for dinner.
207
00:09:48,838 --> 00:09:50,631
-[gasps]
-How would you all like to join us?
208
00:09:50,715 --> 00:09:53,426
-That sounds great.
-Yeah, we don't have any plans.
209
00:09:53,509 --> 00:09:56,012
Good, good. I'll just
tell Wanda to prepare for three.
210
00:09:56,095 --> 00:09:58,472
-Hey, I hope you like meat loaf.
-[Ted] Oh, yeah, yeah.
211
00:09:58,556 --> 00:10:01,058
No potatoes, though. I'm on the Zone.
212
00:10:01,142 --> 00:10:03,561
Sixteen pounds in six months.
213
00:10:03,644 --> 00:10:06,397
[chuckles, sighs] Meat loaf's so exotic.
214
00:10:09,734 --> 00:10:10,985
You keep it up.
215
00:10:11,068 --> 00:10:13,613
I'm telling you right now,
he gonna be here 24/7, all right?
216
00:10:13,696 --> 00:10:15,698
You gonna find yourself
with a new brother.
217
00:10:15,781 --> 00:10:17,325
-Now you keep it up.
-[groans]
218
00:10:21,787 --> 00:10:24,999
The mistake most people make
on the Zone is with corn.
219
00:10:25,082 --> 00:10:27,460
They think it's a vegetable. It's not.
220
00:10:27,877 --> 00:10:30,338
It's a carbohydrate, and that's bad news.
221
00:10:31,255 --> 00:10:34,550
I've been corn-free for…
How long now, honey?
222
00:10:34,634 --> 00:10:35,760
Four months.
223
00:10:35,843 --> 00:10:37,637
-Yeah.
-Hmm.
224
00:10:38,971 --> 00:10:42,475
-That's nice.
-You still crave it at times, believe me.
225
00:10:42,558 --> 00:10:44,518
What I wouldn't do
for a piece of cornbread.
226
00:10:44,602 --> 00:10:46,270
[both laughing]
227
00:10:47,938 --> 00:10:48,898
[sighs]
228
00:10:49,273 --> 00:10:51,859
That's a nice shirt, Bernie.
Looks expensive.
229
00:10:51,942 --> 00:10:54,862
-Guess how much mine was?
-Uh, I… I don't…
230
00:10:54,945 --> 00:10:58,115
-I don't do that.
-Go ahead. Come on, guess, guess, guess.
231
00:10:58,199 --> 00:11:00,910
-It's not my style.
-It's okay. Come on, guess.
232
00:11:03,371 --> 00:11:04,747
Uh, $7?
233
00:11:05,247 --> 00:11:07,291
Try 75 cents.
234
00:11:08,084 --> 00:11:09,043
Flea market.
235
00:11:09,126 --> 00:11:11,462
Pat and I, we are quite
the little bargain hunters.
236
00:11:11,545 --> 00:11:12,713
[Wanda laughing]
237
00:11:12,797 --> 00:11:14,256
Every weekend we're out there.
238
00:11:14,340 --> 00:11:16,133
[gasps] You should come with us.
239
00:11:16,217 --> 00:11:18,594
[Bernie] My God, he's boring!
240
00:11:18,969 --> 00:11:21,347
I mean, he got nothing to say.
241
00:11:21,430 --> 00:11:23,641
No wonder Kevin's such a nerd.
242
00:11:23,724 --> 00:11:25,684
He never stood a chance.
243
00:11:25,768 --> 00:11:28,020
I just got stuck in the carpool.
244
00:11:28,104 --> 00:11:31,148
Poor Kevin. He got stuck in the gene pool.
245
00:11:31,232 --> 00:11:32,942
[Ted] They got ceiling lamps. They got…
246
00:11:33,025 --> 00:11:35,736
-This is some bull.
-[Ted] …desk lamps, bedroom lamps.
247
00:11:35,820 --> 00:11:37,988
We found a table just like this,
248
00:11:38,072 --> 00:11:40,741
except it's Formica
with metal legs for $28.
249
00:11:40,825 --> 00:11:44,620
Saw the same thing at Levitz… $200.
250
00:11:44,703 --> 00:11:46,956
Uh, yeah, I think we did all right.
251
00:11:47,039 --> 00:11:50,418
[both laughing]
252
00:11:50,501 --> 00:11:52,962
You know, I've been looking
for some Adirondack chairs,
253
00:11:53,045 --> 00:11:55,923
and I heard you can get 'em cheap
at the swap meet.
254
00:11:56,424 --> 00:11:57,508
When's the next one?
255
00:11:57,591 --> 00:11:59,802
[Pat] Next Sunday, 6:30 sharp.
256
00:11:59,885 --> 00:12:02,555
But you got to get there early
because all the sharks will show up.
257
00:12:02,680 --> 00:12:04,473
[laughing]
258
00:12:04,557 --> 00:12:06,392
The sharks. [grunts]
259
00:12:06,475 --> 00:12:08,018
[laughing]
260
00:12:08,102 --> 00:12:10,604
You know what?
Bernie, we're free. Let's do it.
261
00:12:11,355 --> 00:12:14,358
Um, baby, I don't
want to impose on their time.
262
00:12:14,692 --> 00:12:17,445
Oh, no, no, no.
Our boys are best friends now.
263
00:12:17,528 --> 00:12:20,281
That makes us pals, too.
Those are the rules.
264
00:12:22,533 --> 00:12:25,411
Rules? Like hell those are the rules.
265
00:12:25,494 --> 00:12:28,831
These people need to eat and run.
I don't want to be his friend.
266
00:12:28,914 --> 00:12:31,167
Listen, America. Listen how boring he is.
267
00:12:31,250 --> 00:12:34,879
[Ted] And, uh, I'm not allowed
to have a dog. No. Not since the accident.
268
00:12:34,962 --> 00:12:35,838
[Wanda] Okay.
269
00:12:35,921 --> 00:12:39,675
[Ted] Yeah. I… bit a dog,
and he bit me back.
270
00:12:39,758 --> 00:12:40,676
[Wanda] Oh?
271
00:12:40,759 --> 00:12:42,761
[sighs] I have to put
ointment on every day.
272
00:12:42,845 --> 00:12:44,472
Man's best friend don't even like him.
273
00:12:44,555 --> 00:12:47,224
[Ted] Oh, I found so many things.
I found a wall.
274
00:12:47,308 --> 00:12:49,393
Just a wall, sitting right out
in the middle of that…
275
00:12:49,477 --> 00:12:50,728
And we needed a wall.
276
00:12:50,811 --> 00:12:52,271
I hate him.
277
00:13:07,328 --> 00:13:09,622
[Kevin snoring]
278
00:13:17,087 --> 00:13:18,506
[quietly] Okay, yeah.
279
00:13:18,589 --> 00:13:20,216
Uncle Bernie, shh!
280
00:13:20,299 --> 00:13:21,592
[Bernie] Well, that's okay.
281
00:13:22,843 --> 00:13:23,928
There you go.
282
00:13:24,011 --> 00:13:25,429
Thanks, Uncle Bernie.
283
00:13:25,804 --> 00:13:27,389
It's all right, big fella.
284
00:13:53,791 --> 00:13:55,793
[Jordan laughing]
285
00:13:57,753 --> 00:13:59,046
Beat it, nerd.
286
00:13:59,797 --> 00:14:02,341
So, Jordan, what time should I
come over to your house today?
287
00:14:02,883 --> 00:14:05,261
Well, I don't know
what you're talking about, dork.
288
00:14:07,304 --> 00:14:08,722
Look what you made me do.
289
00:14:08,806 --> 00:14:09,848
Sorry.
290
00:14:12,101 --> 00:14:15,938
What are you doing here?
You know this is a no-nerds table.
291
00:14:16,021 --> 00:14:18,524
Yeah, I know.
And I also know what you did last night.
292
00:14:19,358 --> 00:14:21,944
[chuckles nervously]
I don't know what you're talking about.
293
00:14:22,027 --> 00:14:23,821
Don't worry. I won't tell anyone.
294
00:14:23,904 --> 00:14:24,989
You better not.
295
00:14:25,072 --> 00:14:26,782
Under one condition.
296
00:14:27,616 --> 00:14:30,286
As of today, you're my best friend.
297
00:14:31,036 --> 00:14:32,872
Okay, okay, you can come over.
298
00:14:33,163 --> 00:14:37,126
Mm-mm. At school best friend.
299
00:14:37,209 --> 00:14:39,670
No… [whimpers]
300
00:14:43,048 --> 00:14:44,049
Coming, Jordan?
301
00:14:44,133 --> 00:14:45,384
[groans]
302
00:14:46,468 --> 00:14:48,762
Oh, my God. I knew he was a nerd.
303
00:14:48,846 --> 00:14:50,139
[Jordan groans]
304
00:14:50,890 --> 00:14:53,350
Eighty-five, 90…
305
00:14:54,101 --> 00:14:57,229
Ninety-five… and a dollar.
306
00:14:58,105 --> 00:15:00,316
And I'll raise you a dollar.
307
00:15:00,399 --> 00:15:03,652
Five, ten… Oops, I dropped one.
308
00:15:05,237 --> 00:15:07,281
Fifteen… Whoa, that's a button.
309
00:15:07,364 --> 00:15:08,908
How'd that get in there?
310
00:15:08,991 --> 00:15:10,534
Okay, I better start over.
311
00:15:10,618 --> 00:15:11,619
Here we go.
312
00:15:11,702 --> 00:15:14,747
Five, ten, 15…
313
00:15:14,830 --> 00:15:18,167
That's a buffalo nickel.
Look at that. It's a buffalo nickel.
314
00:15:18,250 --> 00:15:20,377
You know where the buffalos
first came from?
315
00:15:20,461 --> 00:15:22,212
The buffalo nickels? Buffalo, New York.
316
00:15:22,296 --> 00:15:24,048
That's why they call them
"buffalo nickels."
317
00:15:24,131 --> 00:15:26,300
Longest night of my life.
318
00:15:26,967 --> 00:15:29,386
Three hours and we only played six hands.
319
00:15:29,470 --> 00:15:31,305
I got to cut this guy loose!
320
00:15:33,515 --> 00:15:35,809
America, you know what?
321
00:15:36,769 --> 00:15:38,395
Jordan learned his lesson.
322
00:15:38,479 --> 00:15:40,981
He don't have to be friends
with that boy anymore.
323
00:15:41,065 --> 00:15:44,234
You're doggone right.
He don't even like the damn kid.
324
00:15:44,318 --> 00:15:47,446
Now all I need to do…
I got to get him to break up with fatty
325
00:15:47,529 --> 00:15:48,822
so I can dump his daddy.
326
00:15:48,906 --> 00:15:51,659
What are you saying?
Twister's great with two people.
327
00:15:51,742 --> 00:15:53,327
I play with one all the time.
328
00:15:53,410 --> 00:15:54,787
I'll go set up the mat.
329
00:15:54,870 --> 00:15:56,121
[Bernie] Hey, Kevin.
330
00:15:56,205 --> 00:15:57,122
Hey, Jordan.
331
00:15:57,206 --> 00:16:00,626
I see you got your friend Kevin with you.
That's real nice.
332
00:16:00,709 --> 00:16:01,961
-Come here.
-Oh!
333
00:16:02,044 --> 00:16:03,754
Now I want you to get rid of him.
334
00:16:03,837 --> 00:16:05,297
-What?
-You heard what I said.
335
00:16:05,381 --> 00:16:06,632
I want you to get rid of him.
336
00:16:06,715 --> 00:16:08,968
You don't have to be his friend.
You learned your lesson.
337
00:16:09,051 --> 00:16:11,804
And Uncle Bernie is so proud of you.
Now kick him to the curb.
338
00:16:11,887 --> 00:16:15,307
Um, that's okay.
He's kind of my friend now.
339
00:16:15,391 --> 00:16:19,103
What? Jordan, are you telling me you want
to be his friend? You like this kid?
340
00:16:19,186 --> 00:16:22,481
Our relationship is a little more
complicated than that, Uncle Bernie.
341
00:16:22,564 --> 00:16:23,899
[Kevin] Jordan?
342
00:16:23,983 --> 00:16:27,736
Uh, Uncle Bernie, I got to go.
He doesn't like when I keep him waiting.
343
00:16:27,820 --> 00:16:30,406
Coming, Kevin. Coming.
344
00:16:31,198 --> 00:16:32,408
That…
345
00:16:33,117 --> 00:16:34,535
This is some bull.
346
00:16:34,618 --> 00:16:35,953
I don't understand.
347
00:16:36,453 --> 00:16:37,871
They're friends now.
348
00:16:38,247 --> 00:16:39,456
Oh, Lord.
349
00:16:40,749 --> 00:16:42,751
All right. Oh, well.
350
00:16:43,168 --> 00:16:44,545
I might as well get used to it.
351
00:16:44,628 --> 00:16:47,172
I made this bed, I might as well
let Jordan pee in it, huh?
352
00:16:47,256 --> 00:16:49,508
Yeah, you're right.
And you know something else, America?
353
00:16:49,591 --> 00:16:51,343
I shouldn't concentrate on my misery.
354
00:16:51,427 --> 00:16:54,722
At least he's having fun, it's the
only thing that's important, right?
355
00:16:55,889 --> 00:16:57,891
-[child 1] Ow!
-[child 2] I got it!
356
00:16:58,684 --> 00:17:02,021
It's a circle, ladies. Not a pit. Move!
357
00:17:03,272 --> 00:17:04,481
[grunts in frustration]
358
00:17:04,565 --> 00:17:06,275
[horn honks]
359
00:17:06,358 --> 00:17:08,527
-[Bernie] God…
-Knock it off!
360
00:17:08,610 --> 00:17:10,487
What are you going to do about it, nerd?
361
00:17:10,571 --> 00:17:11,905
I'm not a nerd!
362
00:17:11,989 --> 00:17:15,451
-You're a nerd lover.
-I'm not a nerd lover. I hate him.
363
00:17:15,534 --> 00:17:16,744
What's going on, son?
364
00:17:16,827 --> 00:17:18,203
[Kevin] Ring, ring.
365
00:17:18,287 --> 00:17:20,456
Emergency phone call
for Baron von Pisspants.
366
00:17:20,539 --> 00:17:24,460
You know what? Go ahead, tell them.
I don't care anymore. Go ahead.
367
00:17:24,543 --> 00:17:27,796
-What are you talking about, Jordan?
-He blackmailed me, Uncle Bernie.
368
00:17:27,880 --> 00:17:28,839
He blackmailed me.
369
00:17:28,922 --> 00:17:31,050
He said if I wasn't his friend,
370
00:17:31,133 --> 00:17:33,594
he'd tell everybody
that I peed the bed, right?
371
00:17:33,677 --> 00:17:34,970
-[laughing]
-But you know what?
372
00:17:35,054 --> 00:17:37,097
I'd rather have no friends
than be friends with you.
373
00:17:37,973 --> 00:17:39,600
Oh, my Lord. Kevin.
374
00:17:39,683 --> 00:17:41,018
Is this true?
375
00:17:41,101 --> 00:17:42,936
You doing this to my nephew?
376
00:17:49,693 --> 00:17:52,112
Yeah, Kevin,
I guess this is your stop, huh?
377
00:17:52,196 --> 00:17:56,909
Yeah, and I trust you'll be trying to find
another carpool arrangement, huh?
378
00:17:56,992 --> 00:17:59,411
You and your daddy have a nice life.
379
00:17:59,495 --> 00:18:01,080
-But…
-Hey, Kevin.
380
00:18:01,163 --> 00:18:02,706
Shut my door.
381
00:18:05,751 --> 00:18:07,503
[beatboxing]
382
00:18:07,586 --> 00:18:09,797
♪ Ted is gone, Ted is gone ♪
383
00:18:09,880 --> 00:18:11,924
♪ I got some nerves he won't get on ♪
384
00:18:12,007 --> 00:18:13,425
[beatboxing]
385
00:18:14,218 --> 00:18:15,177
Come on, America.
386
00:18:15,260 --> 00:18:16,720
[continues beatboxing]
387
00:18:17,346 --> 00:18:18,931
[doorbell rings]
388
00:18:20,641 --> 00:18:21,975
Uh, hey, uh…
389
00:18:22,059 --> 00:18:25,104
Hey, Kevin, uh, Ted.
What y'all doing here?
390
00:18:25,187 --> 00:18:27,856
Didn't Kevin tell you we ain't…
I mean, the boys ain't friends?
391
00:18:27,940 --> 00:18:30,984
Bernie, I heard what happened
with the kids. It's terrible.
392
00:18:31,068 --> 00:18:32,236
No, it's tragic.
393
00:18:32,528 --> 00:18:34,363
Kevin loved Jordan.
394
00:18:34,446 --> 00:18:37,741
I know he feels bad about what he did,
so I brought him over to apologize.
395
00:18:38,117 --> 00:18:40,577
There's no reason
these kids can't be friends.
396
00:18:40,661 --> 00:18:43,914
Uh, uh, no, no. You know what, Ted?
That's a terrible idea.
397
00:18:43,997 --> 00:18:45,707
For all the obvious reasons.
398
00:18:45,791 --> 00:18:48,168
One, you're teaching your son to be weak.
399
00:18:48,252 --> 00:18:50,129
And that's not a good idea.
400
00:18:50,212 --> 00:18:52,714
And number two is, it's a forced apology.
401
00:18:52,798 --> 00:18:55,509
And I'm not quite sure
that Jordan want to accept your apology.
402
00:18:55,592 --> 00:18:56,718
So you all have a nice day.
403
00:18:56,802 --> 00:18:58,178
I'm sorry, Jordan.
404
00:18:58,804 --> 00:19:00,514
Do you accept my apology?
405
00:19:06,061 --> 00:19:09,064
[mutters] You better not.
I swear I'll kill you.
406
00:19:09,690 --> 00:19:10,732
I accept.
407
00:19:10,816 --> 00:19:13,360
America, is he trying to vex me?
408
00:19:14,194 --> 00:19:15,779
Well, why the hell did he do that?
409
00:19:15,863 --> 00:19:18,073
-Because you told me to.
-What?
410
00:19:19,074 --> 00:19:20,742
Uncle Bernie, you were right.
411
00:19:20,826 --> 00:19:23,704
I was being mean to Kevin,
and I was wrong.
412
00:19:24,288 --> 00:19:26,415
[sighs] You told me to be his friend.
413
00:19:26,498 --> 00:19:28,542
I was just trying to do the right thing.
414
00:19:29,334 --> 00:19:32,504
In fact, I should be apologizing to him.
415
00:19:34,464 --> 00:19:36,508
Jordan, I know you was trying
to do the right thing,
416
00:19:36,592 --> 00:19:38,010
but this ain't the right…
417
00:19:42,389 --> 00:19:44,141
Yeah, Jordan, you right.
418
00:19:45,642 --> 00:19:46,768
You right.
419
00:19:47,728 --> 00:19:49,104
Go on, Jordan.
420
00:19:49,188 --> 00:19:51,857
Go on and play with your new friend.
Go ahead.
421
00:19:58,363 --> 00:19:59,656
What do I do now?
422
00:20:01,575 --> 00:20:02,701
Don't tell me.
423
00:20:05,871 --> 00:20:08,415
Do you want to go outside
and burn bugs with your glasses?
424
00:20:08,498 --> 00:20:09,374
Sure.
425
00:20:16,381 --> 00:20:18,175
Box of wine? Huh?
426
00:20:21,386 --> 00:20:22,638
Carpooling.
427
00:20:23,096 --> 00:20:26,767
America, this all started with carpooling.
428
00:20:26,850 --> 00:20:29,061
You see the kind of trouble
it gets you into?
429
00:20:29,144 --> 00:20:31,230
See, it gives you friends you don't want.
430
00:20:31,313 --> 00:20:34,316
Now don't get me wrong.
You know, Ted's not a bad guy.
431
00:20:34,399 --> 00:20:37,778
In fact, when you get to know him,
he's kind of fun.
432
00:20:37,861 --> 00:20:39,947
Went to the swap meet the other day.
433
00:20:40,030 --> 00:20:41,865
America, I got this.
434
00:20:42,199 --> 00:20:45,410
Yeah, dig it.
A bicentennial back-scratcher.
435
00:20:45,494 --> 00:20:46,703
Yeah, yeah.
436
00:20:46,787 --> 00:20:49,081
Ooh, yeah, that's it.
437
00:20:49,831 --> 00:20:51,208
Whoo, right there.
438
00:20:52,125 --> 00:20:55,295
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, that's good.
439
00:20:55,379 --> 00:20:57,547
Ooh, get that spot.
440
00:20:57,631 --> 00:20:59,967
-Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
-[chattering in the distance]
441
00:21:00,050 --> 00:21:03,804
I mean, I only spent 35 cents.
That's not bad.
442
00:21:03,887 --> 00:21:07,557
-Hold on. Yo, Ted!
-[Ted] …we found a dead stuffed monkey.
443
00:21:07,641 --> 00:21:08,976
When the next swap meet?
444
00:21:09,059 --> 00:21:10,435
[Ted] I loved that monkey, though.
445
00:21:10,519 --> 00:21:13,105
I call him Bobo.
Yeah, he's my best friend.
446
00:21:13,522 --> 00:21:14,731
So what?
447
00:21:14,815 --> 00:21:17,067
My friend likes monkeys. [chuckles]
448
00:21:18,068 --> 00:21:19,403
I ain't mad at him.
449
00:21:22,197 --> 00:21:23,824
World coming to an end.
450
00:21:25,325 --> 00:21:27,286
[exhales] Piss everywhere, just…
451
00:21:28,370 --> 00:21:31,081
[exhales] You see him talking smart.
Every week, he talks smart…
452
00:21:31,164 --> 00:21:32,332
[imitates urinating]
453
00:21:32,416 --> 00:21:33,583
"Uncle Bernie…"
454
00:21:34,418 --> 00:21:35,419
Pissy-pot.
455
00:21:36,461 --> 00:21:37,754
But who had his back?
456
00:21:37,838 --> 00:21:39,381
Uncle Bernie had his back.
457
00:21:40,090 --> 00:21:42,009
Piss everywhere. Shh… Urine.
458
00:21:42,092 --> 00:21:45,679
It was yellow.
Right, phew, like it was a map.
459
00:21:45,762 --> 00:21:46,888
A gold map.
460
00:21:47,723 --> 00:21:49,391
[sighs] Well…
461
00:21:50,475 --> 00:21:52,144
[sighs] see you next week.
34527
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