Original subtitles

[opening theme music playing]

America, Bernie Mac just got taken for a fool.

I mean, there I was driving the kids to school,

minding my own business, when out of nowhere… bam! Bam!

I got cornered by these two women.

I call them "hustlers in minivans," that's what they were.

Tell me they gon' cut me in on a great deal called a carpool.

Instead of me driving the kids to school five days a week,

I only got to drive them two.

Sounds like a good deal, right?

Yeah, a deal with the devil.

Yeah. A deal with the devil!

Nasty little ankle-biters messing up my doggone car.

There ought to be a law.

[sobbing] America, it ain't right.

El Medio, El Medio.

Where in the hell…

Jordan, Jordan, other kid, pay attention now, come on.

It's right over… Ugh! You bakin' air muffins…

-Don't touch me. It smells like eggs! -[groaning]

I did not.

-It does. -He who smelt it…

[groaning] Okay, okay, Jor… Jordan, Jordan!

Don't think I can't warm your behind and drive at the same time.

That's why I got automatic.

You all too doggone young to have that type of scent.

Now, look here, where's Steven house?

-You passed it. It's the yellow one with… -[farts]

-Ugh! You did it again, you nasty creep! -Oh…

Okay, all right, all right, all right.

You want to play, right?

You think you can hang with the big boys, huh?

You think you can hang with the big boys?

Now see how you like the smell of Bernie… Bernie Mac in the morning.

[grunts] Yeah. Get a whiff of that aroma.

[coughing, groaning]

[sighs]

Hi. I'm so sorry. It's a zoo in here.

Steven, hurry up!

Hi. You must be Bernie. I'm Betty. Pleased to meet you.

It's a pleasure. I am so glad you're doing the carpooling with us.

Uh… Steven, you got five seconds!

[chuckling]

-Ouch! -[baby fussing]

[horn honks]

Come on, kid. We got 20 minutes.

No nerds on this side. Other side.

Sorry, fatty, other side.

Let him in.

This side's broken. Look. [snickers]

Stop playing. Let him in now!

Sorry.

How come nobody told me it's gon' be like this?

Y'all should have stopped me.

Those some bad kids, America, and I mean bad kids.

I can't do this a whole school year.

Uh-uh. Things about to change, America.

Those kids are going to learn about carpooling Bernie Mac-style.

I mean, they gon' get a little driver education.

[smug chuckle] Yeah, breaking wind and… Okay.

-[school bell rings] -[horn honking]

Y'all in? I want y'all to listen up 'cause here's how it's gonna be.

There'll be no breaking wind up in this car.

Only gas that I want to smell will be unleaded. Okay?

I want you in here. I want your butt seated, buckled.

I want you clenched and quiet.

Now, rule number two.

Bernie Mac will not be kept waiting.

My time is precious.

You understand that? You got 15 seconds.

I want you ready before I pull up,

and then you'll get one courtesy beep.

-It sound like this. -[horn honks]

After that, you got 15 seconds… not 16, not 17.

Let me break it down like a fraction.

Okay, I don't care if Halle Berry is loaded on wine coolers

and she's wearing her Oscar dress.

You better get her out here in 15 seconds.

If not, you all both gon' be a sweet picture in my rear view mirror.

You understand?

-How many beeps? -Just one, blubber-butt.

Just one, Kevin.

Now, for the entire ride, I want complete silence, okay?

Only thing I want to hear is "Thank you, Mr. Mac,"

and that's only when I'm slowing down and I'm getting ready to shove y'all out.

-You can't do that. -Who said I can't do it?

My dad's a lawyer. He'll sue your pants off.

Keep on talking. Keep on talking. You'll wish your pappy was a orthodontist.

Okay? Now, you write that down in your notebook.

All right, from here on in, shut up!

There! Now, let's do some carpooling.

[chuckling softly] "My daddy's a lawyer." Who gives a…

♪ Keep on runnin' ♪

♪ Keep on runnin' from my love ♪

♪ Keep on runnin' ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Keep on runnin' from my love ♪

♪ Some folks think that You're really, really fine ♪

♪ All you wanna be Is just a friend of mine ♪

♪ But I know ♪

-[horn honks] -[watch beeps]

♪ The man you're with's Gonna break your heart ♪

♪ And you'll be sad real soon ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

[watch beeps]

Wait, wait!

♪ Keep on runnin' ♪

-♪ Keep on runnin' from my love ♪ -Wait!

-Steven, wait! Don't! -Hurry up!

-[kids yelling] -Come on! Come on!

♪ Keep on runnin' from my love ♪

♪ Some folks say that You're really, really fine ♪

♪ Well, all you wanna be Is just a friend of mine ♪

♪ But I know ♪

♪ I'm gonna catch up with him ♪

♪ Real soon ♪

[all] Thank you, Mr. Mac.

Now, what time this afternoon?

[all] 2:35.

All right, gang, let's synchronize our watches.

I don't have a watch.

That boy's a little challenge.

But he's a good kid. They're all good kids.

They just need the fear of Mac put in them.

'Cause, see, kids respond to strength. They look for that in a leader.

I mean, no offense, America, but see, most of these carpool drivers

are the weak soccer moms and those softball dads.

Y'all know what I'm talking about.

But America, don't be weak.

Get your kids synchronized.

♪ People ♪

♪ Keep on learnin' ♪

Doesn't make no sense to synchronize our watches… [mutters]

-♪ Keep on warrin' ♪ -[Jordan snickering]

♪ World ♪

♪ Keep on turnin' ♪

[grunting]

♪ Because it won't be too long ♪

Come here. Apologize.

-Sorry. -Not you.

-You. -I'm sorry.

-Say it again. -Sorry.

Give it back to him.

-You come on with me. -Ow, my neck! Ow!

-Shut up. -That's a pressure point. Please, no!

[chuckling] He's sorry.

Yeah, but not as sorry as he's gonna be.

America, Jordan picking on somebody?

Who in the hell does he think he is?

Well, it seems to me

that he finally found someone weaker than he is

and got a little taste of power.

And America, we all know that power corrupts,

but not no more.

From now on, Jordan's going to be nice to that boy,

and, in fact, he's gonna be friends. Best friends.

[imitates Jordan snickering] Yeah, okay. We'll see.

[doorbell rings]

[Bernie] Hey, Kevin, come on in.

Well, I'm so glad you could make it.

Hey, Jordan, your friend Kevin's here.

Jordan's really excited that you come.

Oh, well, here he is. Hey, Jordan, your friend Kevin.

Both of us, we're so glad you could make it. Aren't we, Jordan?

Come on in. Hey.

If you touch it again, I will kill you!

You should have used the gum-based epoxy.

Just don't touch anything.

Well, what do you want to do, then?

All right, who wants some milk and cookies?

Kevin? Jordan, why y'all not playing?

I don't got anything to do.

What do you mean?

Show him a magic trick. Kevin, you like magic?

-Yeah. -Good. Show him a magic trick,

where you chop your finger off.

-[groans] -Show him…

I'll show it to you, Kevin. What… Here it is.

[sighs] Now, watch this, Kevin. Watch this.

Okay, slide in something like that.

Put this in there, and voilà!

Don't break it.

I'm not gonna break it. I know what I'm doing.

-Good. Now put your finger in there. -I'm scared.

I'm just gonna chop your finger off. Put it in there. Don't be scared.

Look, you put your finger in there, and bam!

[screaming]

Look at that. Ke… uh, Kevin, Kevin. It's a toy.

See, I got all my fingers. Look, look.

[screaming]

[laughs]

-I hate him. -Don't say that. Don't say that.

Okay, America, between you and me, that Kevin's strange.

I'm talking circus strange. But I don't mean he should be picked on.

No, no. See, Jordan's got to learn.

You got to do right by people. Even circus people.

[doorbell rings]

[both] Hi!

Ted Ross. We talked on the phone.

This is my boss, Pat.

-Hi, Pat. -Hi.

Thank you so much for having Kevin over.

You boys have a good time?

You're late. Take him.

Uh… uh, we, uh…

We was just getting ready to invite Kevin over for dinner.

-[gasps] -How would you all like to join us?

-That sounds great. -Yeah, we don't have any plans.

Good, good. I'll just tell Wanda to prepare for three.

-Hey, I hope you like meat loaf. -[Ted] Oh, yeah, yeah.

No potatoes, though. I'm on the Zone.

Sixteen pounds in six months.

[chuckles, sighs] Meat loaf's so exotic.

You keep it up.

I'm telling you right now, he gonna be here 24/7, all right?

You gonna find yourself with a new brother.

-Now you keep it up. -[groans]

The mistake most people make on the Zone is with corn.

They think it's a vegetable. It's not.

It's a carbohydrate, and that's bad news.

I've been corn-free for… How long now, honey?

Four months.

-Yeah. -Hmm.

-That's nice. -You still crave it at times, believe me.

What I wouldn't do for a piece of cornbread.

[both laughing]

[sighs]

That's a nice shirt, Bernie. Looks expensive.

-Guess how much mine was? -Uh, I… I don't…

-I don't do that. -Go ahead. Come on, guess, guess, guess.

-It's not my style. -It's okay. Come on, guess.

Uh, $7?

Try 75 cents.

Flea market.

Pat and I, we are quite the little bargain hunters.

[Wanda laughing]

Every weekend we're out there.

[gasps] You should come with us.

[Bernie] My God, he's boring!

I mean, he got nothing to say.

No wonder Kevin's such a nerd.

He never stood a chance.

I just got stuck in the carpool.

Poor Kevin. He got stuck in the gene pool.

[Ted] They got ceiling lamps. They got…

-This is some bull. -[Ted] …desk lamps, bedroom lamps.

We found a table just like this,

except it's Formica with metal legs for $28.

Saw the same thing at Levitz… $200.

Uh, yeah, I think we did all right.

[both laughing]

You know, I've been looking for some Adirondack chairs,

and I heard you can get 'em cheap at the swap meet.

When's the next one?

[Pat] Next Sunday, 6:30 sharp.

But you got to get there early because all the sharks will show up.

[laughing]

The sharks. [grunts]

[laughing]

You know what? Bernie, we're free. Let's do it.

Um, baby, I don't want to impose on their time.

Oh, no, no, no. Our boys are best friends now.

That makes us pals, too. Those are the rules.

Rules? Like hell those are the rules.

These people need to eat and run. I don't want to be his friend.

Listen, America. Listen how boring he is.

[Ted] And, uh, I'm not allowed to have a dog. No. Not since the accident.

[Wanda] Okay.

[Ted] Yeah. I… bit a dog, and he bit me back.

[Wanda] Oh?

[sighs] I have to put ointment on every day.

Man's best friend don't even like him.

[Ted] Oh, I found so many things. I found a wall.

Just a wall, sitting right out in the middle of that…

And we needed a wall.

I hate him.

[Kevin snoring]

[quietly] Okay, yeah.

Uncle Bernie, shh!

[Bernie] Well, that's okay.

There you go.

Thanks, Uncle Bernie.

It's all right, big fella.

[Jordan laughing]

Beat it, nerd.

So, Jordan, what time should I come over to your house today?

Well, I don't know what you're talking about, dork.

Look what you made me do.

Sorry.

What are you doing here? You know this is a no-nerds table.

Yeah, I know. And I also know what you did last night.

[chuckles nervously] I don't know what you're talking about.

Don't worry. I won't tell anyone.

You better not.

Under one condition.

As of today, you're my best friend.

Okay, okay, you can come over.

Mm-mm. At school best friend.

No… [whimpers]

Coming, Jordan?

[groans]

Oh, my God. I knew he was a nerd.

[Jordan groans]

Eighty-five, 90…

Ninety-five… and a dollar.

And I'll raise you a dollar.

Five, ten… Oops, I dropped one.

Fifteen… Whoa, that's a button.

How'd that get in there?

Okay, I better start over.

Here we go.

Five, ten, 15…

That's a buffalo nickel. Look at that. It's a buffalo nickel.

You know where the buffalos first came from?

The buffalo nickels? Buffalo, New York.

That's why they call them "buffalo nickels."

Longest night of my life.

Three hours and we only played six hands.

I got to cut this guy loose!

America, you know what?

Jordan learned his lesson.

He don't have to be friends with that boy anymore.

You're doggone right. He don't even like the damn kid.

Now all I need to do… I got to get him to break up with fatty

so I can dump his daddy.

What are you saying? Twister's great with two people.

I play with one all the time.

I'll go set up the mat.

[Bernie] Hey, Kevin.

Hey, Jordan.

I see you got your friend Kevin with you. That's real nice.

-Come here. -Oh!

Now I want you to get rid of him.

-What? -You heard what I said.

I want you to get rid of him.

You don't have to be his friend. You learned your lesson.

And Uncle Bernie is so proud of you. Now kick him to the curb.

Um, that's okay. He's kind of my friend now.

What? Jordan, are you telling me you want to be his friend? You like this kid?

Our relationship is a little more complicated than that, Uncle Bernie.

[Kevin] Jordan?

Uh, Uncle Bernie, I got to go. He doesn't like when I keep him waiting.

Coming, Kevin. Coming.

That…

This is some bull.

I don't understand.

They're friends now.

Oh, Lord.

All right. Oh, well.

I might as well get used to it.

I made this bed, I might as well let Jordan pee in it, huh?

Yeah, you're right. And you know something else, America?

I shouldn't concentrate on my misery.

At least he's having fun, it's the only thing that's important, right?

-[child 1] Ow! -[child 2] I got it!

It's a circle, ladies. Not a pit. Move!

[grunts in frustration]

[horn honks]

-[Bernie] God… -Knock it off!

What are you going to do about it, nerd?

I'm not a nerd!

-You're a nerd lover. -I'm not a nerd lover. I hate him.

What's going on, son?

[Kevin] Ring, ring.

Emergency phone call for Baron von Pisspants.

You know what? Go ahead, tell them. I don't care anymore. Go ahead.

-What are you talking about, Jordan? -He blackmailed me, Uncle Bernie.

He blackmailed me.

He said if I wasn't his friend,

he'd tell everybody that I peed the bed, right?

-[laughing] -But you know what?

I'd rather have no friends than be friends with you.

Oh, my Lord. Kevin.

Is this true?

You doing this to my nephew?

Yeah, Kevin, I guess this is your stop, huh?

Yeah, and I trust you'll be trying to find another carpool arrangement, huh?

You and your daddy have a nice life.

-But… -Hey, Kevin.

Shut my door.

[beatboxing]

♪ Ted is gone, Ted is gone ♪

♪ I got some nerves he won't get on ♪

[beatboxing]

Come on, America.

[continues beatboxing]

[doorbell rings]

Uh, hey, uh…

Hey, Kevin, uh, Ted. What y'all doing here?

Didn't Kevin tell you we ain't… I mean, the boys ain't friends?

Bernie, I heard what happened with the kids. It's terrible.

No, it's tragic.

Kevin loved Jordan.

I know he feels bad about what he did, so I brought him over to apologize.

There's no reason these kids can't be friends.

Uh, uh, no, no. You know what, Ted? That's a terrible idea.

For all the obvious reasons.

One, you're teaching your son to be weak.

And that's not a good idea.

And number two is, it's a forced apology.

And I'm not quite sure that Jordan want to accept your apology.

So you all have a nice day.

I'm sorry, Jordan.

Do you accept my apology?

[mutters] You better not. I swear I'll kill you.

I accept.

America, is he trying to vex me?

Well, why the hell did he do that?

-Because you told me to. -What?

Uncle Bernie, you were right.

I was being mean to Kevin, and I was wrong.

[sighs] You told me to be his friend.

I was just trying to do the right thing.

In fact, I should be apologizing to him.

Jordan, I know you was trying to do the right thing,

but this ain't the right…

Yeah, Jordan, you right.

You right.

Go on, Jordan.

Go on and play with your new friend. Go ahead.

What do I do now?

Don't tell me.

Do you want to go outside and burn bugs with your glasses?

Sure.

Box of wine? Huh?

Carpooling.

America, this all started with carpooling.

You see the kind of trouble it gets you into?

See, it gives you friends you don't want.

Now don't get me wrong. You know, Ted's not a bad guy.

In fact, when you get to know him, he's kind of fun.

Went to the swap meet the other day.

America, I got this.

Yeah, dig it. A bicentennial back-scratcher.

Yeah, yeah.

Ooh, yeah, that's it.

Whoo, right there.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, that's good.

Ooh, get that spot.

-Yes, sir. Yes, sir. -[chattering in the distance]

I mean, I only spent 35 cents. That's not bad.

-Hold on. Yo, Ted! -[Ted] …we found a dead stuffed monkey.

When the next swap meet?

[Ted] I loved that monkey, though.

I call him Bobo. Yeah, he's my best friend.

So what?

My friend likes monkeys. [chuckles]

I ain't mad at him.

World coming to an end.

[exhales] Piss everywhere, just…

[exhales] You see him talking smart. Every week, he talks smart…

[imitates urinating]

"Uncle Bernie…"

Pissy-pot.

But who had his back?

Uncle Bernie had his back.

Piss everywhere. Shh… Urine.

It was yellow. Right, phew, like it was a map.

A gold map.

[sighs] Well…

[sighs] see you next week.