Original subtitles

[opening theme music playing]

America, will you answer me a question?

What is it you love about the beach?

'Cause as far as I can see,

the beach ain't nothing but the end of the country.

And everybody knows the end is the worst part of anything.

The end of a loaf of bread? Don't nobody eat that.

Last sip of beer? Pour it right in the dirt.

But as my baby, Wanda, likes to remind me, we don't go to the beach for my enjoyment.

We go for the kids.

So every other weekend, I grease them up with lotion

and roll them in the sand like they're Shake 'N Bake.

God, I can't wait till these kids grow up.

Damn!

We're home, baby.

[Wanda] Bernie, look at them.

[Bernie] Yeah, sweet little angels, right?

Let's dump them into bed.

-[grunting] -Hey!

Shh. Don't wake your sister up.

[chuckles]

That's ignorant.

I am what I am.

Here you go.

Good.

Where's Precious?

Don't worry about Precious. Go back to bed, Baby Girl.

But I need Precious.

Bernie, she wants her doll. It's probably in the beach bag.

[sighs]

[mutters]

[Wanda] Is it in there?

Nope, but I got the beach, though.

Baby, it wasn't in the car, either.

I don't think she brought it.

Of course she did. She takes that thing everywhere.

Baby, she didn't take it.

Wait…

Kids, let's go.

Wait, we wanna finish this sandcastle.

[Bernie] Oh.

Now it's finished. Come on.

-Aww! -Let's go. Shut up!

[clock ticking]

How many times I tell you to keep up with your stuff, Baby Girl?

But we need to get Precious.

Baby Girl, please.

-[sighs] -What's going on in here?

We left Precious at the beach.

-Oh, shit. -Hey!

[crying]

Baby Girl, please, stop crying. Stop crying, Baby Girl.

Please stop crying.

Maybe you should flick her on the head.

[crying harder]

-[crying continues] -America, it's been 45 minutes straight.

It's unstoppable. Watch this.

-[clicks] -[no audio except crying]

[crying continues]

[crying continues]

Oh, uh-uh, Bernie.

You are not going to drug that baby up with that heavy cough syrup.

-What? -[scoffs]

Now, if you want her to go to sleep,

you're going to have to get that doll back.

-Woman, it's midnight. -Bernie, she's hysterical.

It's an hour ride each way, Wanda. You on drugs or dog food?

Fine.

I'll go, and you can stay here and listen to that.

[crying continues]

[groans]

Shh… look at this, man.

I'm out here looking for a doggone doll.

I'm doing stuff that I tell people on stage

I ain't going to do. Now I'm sitting out here doing it.

I should just walk in the water, just keep on walking.

-[phone rings] -Doggone.

Oh. Hello?

[crying]

What?

-[screams] -[doll squeaks]

Ow! Ow! Ow!

Hey, baby…

Wanda, I found it.

Yeah, I found it. I swear I did. It's in the sand.

Huh? [stutters] Baby-- I can't hear you

with Baby Girl hollering and screaming. I can't hear you.

If you don't get back here, I'm going to kill you!

Okay, well, look, I'm on my way. Yeah, I found it.

All right, hang on.

Ugly thing got me out here all doggone day looking for that doggone doll.

[music plays on car radio]

-[horn honking] -Come on.

12:30 going on 1 o'clock, I'm out here looking for a old, ugly doll.

Come on.

I'm getting the heck on out of here. You watch.

Slow, slow, slow.

[chuckling]

Slow, slow, Mac.

Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah!

[chuckles] Tell me I can't do anything.

The Mac! Yeah!

[tires popping]

♪ Do it any way you wanna ♪

-[mutters] -♪ Do it any way you wanna ♪

♪ Do it any way ♪

[sighing]

-I can't believe you found that thing. -Hmm.

It really is a miracle.

-She really is an angel. -Oh…

Still, I'll be glad when she finally gives up that doll.

-Is tomorrow too soon? -[chuckles softly]

Give me this doll.

Spoiled.

Wanda doesn't think I can wean Bryana off Precious.

Says she's too attached.

And she's right, America.

But it's an unnatural attachment.

The thing hangs off her like a growth.

Like one of those freaks you see in the Guinness book.

That's where there's only one course of action:

a complete doll-ectomy.

[Bryana] But I don't understand.

Why does she have to be, uh, uh…

[Bernie] Quarantined.

Yeah, quarantined.

Well, Baby Girl, see…

Precious… she's very sick. You know, she got the chicken pox.

Now, see, the chicken pox is highly contagious.

Step back, step back, step back.

See, nobody can come around her or be close to her for the next 48--

I mean, 72 hours, okay?

Look out.

-I don't want to-- -Uh-uh-uh, doctor's orders.

Okay.

Aw, don't be so sad.

The Lord want her there.

Come on.

Baby Girl…

You want me to put you in there?

Wanda, baby, you'll see.

In a couple of days, Baby Girl's going to forget about that doll.

You know how kids are, just go on to the next thing.

Well, I must say I am pretty impressed.

-Yeah? -Mm-hmm.

You that impressed you want to play doctor with your old man?

Well, my mother always wanted me to marry one.

You know one?

No, but I know his sister. [laughing]

Uh-oh. Uncle Bernie.

Oh, Lord!

Now we have to be quarantined together.

[gasps] Bernie, they're permanent.

All right, Baby Girl,

I'm sick of this nonsense.

You too doggone big to be playing with this doll.

It's about time you gave it up and you going to give it up right now.

-Give me that doll. -No!

What you mean, no? I'm not playing with you.

I'm sick of this nonsense.

Going all over the creation looking for that.

-Give me that doll! -No! Aunt Wanda, help!

-Come here! -Bernie…

Baby, baby, if you don't move, you're going to get hurt.

Can you believe what I got to go through?

And her own mother didn't fight this hard, and the state was taking her baby!

I'm sorry, America.

That was cold.

Come here.

Baby? Baby Girl, come here. Come here!

-Gotcha! -[hissing] My Precious!

What?

Y'all saw that, right?

[stutters] That thing that hissed at me,

that was not Baby Girl.

Hell, no. Not my sweet Baby Girl.

That was that doll.

It got control of her.

I don't know what I'm going to do with this one.

Cube, you got kids. You got to help me on this one.

Man, you got to help me.

Check it out, Bernie. In situations like this,

I recommend the wet T-shirt.

Wet T?

-Oh, oh, oh, that's cold. That's cold. -Hey, hey, hey.

I can't kill Baby Girl like that. I can't-- I thought about killing the boy.

But the girl, that's… that's… I can't kill the kid like that. I can't.

I ain't talking about killing the kid, man.

I'm talking about the doll.

The doll?

You got to pop out the doll, man.

Yeah, yeah. When you gonna to strike, baby?

Oh, no. man, I love the kids. I can't touch that doll, man.

-No. -Who?

You got to find somebody else to do it. Somebody ruthless.

Ruthless.

Somebody that just don't care.

Go to sleep after they rob their mama, something like that.

Yeah, pretty much.

Hey, hey, Ice…

-I know… I know the guy. -You know somebody?

-Yeah. [chuckling] -Is that right?

[jazz music playing]

Can I use the M-80s?

Shh. Be quiet, boy.

Now, listen, fireworks are what I don't want.

This thing cannot attract any attention, okay?

Gotcha.

I want it done nice, clean and quiet, like you did the Barbie doll.

-You never proved that was me. -Boy, please.

That pink little trailer burned down to the ground.

Had your hand written all over it.

-I mean, very professional. -Thank you.

So, are we clear? This cannot come back to me, Jordan.

I can use a BB gun. Totally untraceable.

No body, no evidence.

Hmm, that's a little bit tougher.

I'll pay extra.

Nah, keep your money. I'll do this one for free.

But someday, I'm going to ask you for a favor.

Someday.

[car door shuts]

[yawning]

[sighs]

[loud buzzing]

[loud shredding]

[music continues]

So, Baby Girl, that's what happened.

Precious' family came…

[stutters] not her real… her doll family who came and…

took her to Doll Land where she's going to live happily ever after.

It's not really Doll Land. Doll Land is like a star.

A distant, shimmering star.

But I didn't get to say good-bye.

Well, um… I know you didn't, Baby Girl, but, um…

but, hey… she left you something.

Yeah. Hey. She left you…

$200.

Yep. That's what they… You like that?

I want to see the star.

-What star, baby? -Doll Land where Precious is.

Oh, that… that star.

Okay. Come on, let's… let's go look at the star, okay?

Come on, Baby Girl.

Yeah. You see the star.

And maybe if we look hard enough,

we'll see the fireworks from the doll party.

[both screaming]

What? What is it?

[screaming]

[laughs]

Oh… oh.

That damn Jordan.

Cube, he had one job to do, and he couldn't even do that.

Yeah, man, you got a serious problem on your hand, bro.

I know, man. Now… now Baby Girl, she ain't gonna never speak to me again.

She going to never forgive me.

See, Baby Girl ain't your problem.

It's the boy.

That's the one you need to get rid of.

You ever consider a beat down?

What?

Whatcha talking about?

Cube… Cube, get out of my house, man.

What?

Get the hell out of my doggone house.

You ain't no doggone thug no more.

You live better than me. Your house bigger than mine.

Ain't you got to pick your kid up from prep school or something, man?

-Prep school? -Yeah.

Man, my kid don't go to no damn prep school.

They with the nanny.

You know what? Next time you need to borrow a cappuccino machine,

-don't call me. -I ain't.

-Don't call me. -I ain't gonna call you.

You don't got to worry about it.

Fake gangster.

-I got to do something… [mumbles] -[door slams]

I got to do something about Baby Girl, America.

Baby Girl, look. You can blow dry and comb your hair.

[imitates hair dryer]

And look what else you can do. Hmm.

[smacks lips]

You like your new toy?

-No! -Good.

So, we're going to put it up and play with it later, okay?

So, what would you like to eat?

-Nothing! -But you got to eat something.

No!

Hey…

How about some Coco Krunchies?

But you said those are for breakfast.

I know I did, but I'm saying you can have some now.

-Okay. -Good. Good.

What are you going to say to your Uncle Bernie?

With Lucky Charms, too?

It's a start.

You see that? You see that?

America, she smiled.

She loves me again.

I told you she understand.

My Baby Girl love me and everything is all right in the world.

My Baby Girl.

[softly] Thank you, Lord.

♪ Now I done warned you not to battle me ♪

♪ I leave more casualties ♪

♪ Than the dollar bills In your salary… ♪

Time for Blue's Clues.

-So? -So this.

-[changes channel] -You little brat.

♪ And it be like chill… ♪

[changes channel]

-[changes channel] -Uncle Bernie!

Yeah, Baby Girl?

-[song resumes on TV] -Vanessa won't let me watch Blue's Clues.

I was here first.

You're a real pioneer. Why don't you go discover your homework?

Maybe I should let you destroy something of mine.

Then I might get some respect.

-Maybe you should. -Maybe I will.

-Maybe I should torch your bike. -[cartoon music plays on TV]

-Can I get you something else, Baby Girl? -Mmm, surprise me.

Hold it right there, missy. You know those are for after dinner.

So I'll have one after dinner, too.

Give me that.

Hey, I'm tired of y'all running in my house.

Hey, you little…

-Time to play. -Get lost.

Uncle Bernie, Jordan's being mean to me.

Yell all you want. He ain't home. [snickers]

Hey, baby, come on, give me a hand.

Oh, I know where I'd like to put my hand.

On that little monster's rear end.

Who are you talking about? Vanessa?

No. Your spoiled little princess.

Oh, get out of here. Baby Girl?

That's ridiculous. You can't spoil something that perfect.

[Jordan] Bryana, stop!

[Jordan yelling indistinctly in slow motion]

No!

No! Stop it! No!

No! Don't! No! Stop!

-Glad you're home. -[Jordan yelling]

Oh, baby, come on, now, give me a hand, now.

Make her stop! Bryana, stop!

Hey, hey, hey! Baby Girl! Baby Girl, stop it.

Now you just stop it right now. What's wrong with you?

I'm through anyway. I want to go to Gymboree.

What? You ain't going no doggone where

till you tell me what the hell possessed you to do what…

What's wrong with you?

I want to go to Gymboree.

-[grunts] -Ow! Don't you ever do that to me.

Look, I'm not saying she didn't deserve the swat.

I'm mean, you saw her. It had to be done!

But why did I have to be the one to do it?

She's never going to speak to me again.

[Bernie] Baby Girl…

Uncle Bernie, he's sorry he had to spank you,

but you were being rotten.

But I guess I'm partly to blame

because I spoiled you.

Baby Girl, Uncle Bernie…

was a little afraid that he was going to lose the love of his sweet Baby Girl.

But I ended up losing it anyway.

I don't want to be your sweet Baby Girl.

I understand.

I want to be your sweet big girl.

You do?

I'm not a baby anymore.

No, you're not.

Then if you're not a baby anymore,

you know what you got to do?

-Okay? -Okay.

Come here.

I love you, Baby Girl.

Is it true Bigfoot spanked you?

Uh-huh.

He spanked you?

Uh-huh, on my fanny.

[chuckles] Dang.

What's so funny?

Nothing. It's just, you're one of us now.

-Hey, baby. -Hmm?

It's all straightened out.

You know, Baby Girl, she's a sweet little girl after all.

I know. That's why I didn't understand your hurry

to make her grow up.

I mean, she's only going to be this young once.

Wow, my God, baby, I ain't never think of it like that.

Hmm. You better, 'cause when it's over, you going to miss it.

Well, I tell you what, I don't care how old Bryana get,

she's still going to be my precious little Baby Girl.

Hmm, you say that now, but one day, she may grow into…

[Bernie thinking]

[knocking]

[Bernie] Baby Girl?

Don't grow up, Baby Girl.

Please don't grow up. You gonna have to get married.

You have to get a job. You gonna mess around, you gonna have a b…

Look, you don't want to do that. You don't want to do that.

Come on, you want to play.

You want to play all the time. Look, see… [beatboxing]

Come on, look at that. She going…

[beatboxing]

Look, come look. [continues beatboxing]

You need to see it.

Are you looking?

Baby?

This is for the dead dollies out there.

All the ones with their little heads pulled off,

and shot up and…

-all the homies… -Cube, that's enough, baby.

-And all the dead dollies in the world… -Cube, Cube, Cube.

-…this is for them. -Damn, Cube, that's enough, man.

-Oh, sorry, 'bout that. -They dead.

You know, I can… I can get that up for you.

You ignorant.

That's why you got me over here.

Can we drink this on TV?