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1
00:00:01,001 --> 00:00:03,002
[opening theme music playing]
2
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America, it is so good to see you.
3
00:00:20,645 --> 00:00:22,230
I mean, welcome back.
4
00:00:22,313 --> 00:00:23,857
I missed you.
5
00:00:23,940 --> 00:00:25,984
And I hope you had a nice little break…
6
00:00:26,067 --> 00:00:27,527
'cause I didn't.
7
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I was with those doggone kids
the entire time.
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Yeah, I know what you're saying.
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"Bernie Mac, when you have children
you have to sacrifice, give of yourself."
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"Blah-dee-blah-blah."
Yeah, well, whatever.
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00:00:38,246 --> 00:00:40,165
Yeah, but who gives to me?
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00:00:40,248 --> 00:00:42,667
From now on, I'm going to be the charity.
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I'm not asking for any donations,
but I am asking for a little compassion,
14
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some understanding, peace and quiet,
15
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and maybe some cards and a good cigar.
Now, is that so wrong?
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Baby straight, baby boy.
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-Don't tell me that.
-Oh, come on.
18
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I'm pure tired, man.
19
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I don't need you being tired.
Get ready to cry like a baby boy.
20
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What you got? What you got?
21
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I got three deuces
and a pair of Shaka Zulus.
22
00:01:04,189 --> 00:01:05,482
-Oh!
-Yup. Look at that.
23
00:01:05,565 --> 00:01:07,233
-Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
-Excuse me.
24
00:01:07,317 --> 00:01:08,485
Uh, Shaka Zulus?
25
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Two black kings, man.
26
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-[Wanda] Bernie.
-I knew that.
27
00:01:11,654 --> 00:01:14,949
You gotta do something about Jordan.
He's in here playing David and Goliath.
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-Hold on, be right back.
-Oh, man.
29
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Give it back.
I told you to stay out my stuff.
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Prepare to be smoted.
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[Bernie] Boy, what'd I tell you
about making weapons?
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Philistine!
33
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-[glass breaking]
-[Jordan] It was an accident! What? No!
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-No!
-[Bernie] Let me go back in there.
35
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-I'm going to scrub it till you bleed.
-[laughing]
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-They be killing him.
-[laughing]
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Oh, no, no, no. I mean, up, up, up.
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Y'all didn't deal her in, did you?
39
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And how much did you lose?
40
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We haven't played yet.
41
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Well, I guess those winnings is mine.
42
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Thanks for the vote of confidence, Bernie.
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I'm with you, but not tonight.
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[men chuckling]
45
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-Take it easy.
-All right.
46
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-Look at all those winnings.
-Yeah.
47
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You know what, fellas?
Bernie Mac is truly blessed.
48
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-[murmur of agreement]
-Yeah, gentlemen,
49
00:01:58,785 --> 00:02:00,912
don't you think someone
as truly blessed as Bernie Mac
50
00:02:00,995 --> 00:02:04,124
should think about, you know,
maybe giving a little back?
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00:02:04,207 --> 00:02:05,333
Absolutely.
52
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-Yes.
-Without a doubt.
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-Right over here.
-You better back up. You already get 10%.
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Bernie, I'm serious.
I'm talking about, you know,
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attaching yourself to some cause.
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Donate your time, your name.
It's great publicity.
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-He's right, man.
-Mm-hmm.
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There's a lot you could do
for the community, brother.
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You know what?
Like help the homeless, man.
60
00:02:20,598 --> 00:02:22,225
Well, see, no, actually,
I was talking about something
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more along the lines
of a children's charity.
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Oh, like a kid's disease.
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Hey, how about pinkeye?
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[laughing] My little girl brings it home
from school all the time, man.
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She's all gooped up.
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-Man, I can't even touch her.
-Excuse me.
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-Wait, wait. Hey, come on, come on, man.
-[indistinct chatter, laughter]
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-Yo, man, Bernie Mac is a A-list comedian.
-Big fella.
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-So, he need a A-list disease.
-Yes.
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Yo, you want… you want
to get to the big time?
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-Yeah.
-Get cancer.
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-Oh, my God.
-Yes.
73
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-Yo, yo, hey, hey, hey.
-Cancer.
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-Yo, yo, hey. Cancer…
-Cancer.
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-…is big, dog.
-Oh…
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Can I just talk to my client?
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Can I just talk to my client,
for the love of God, W.B.?
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-Thank you.
-[scoffs]
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Bernie, dog, listen.
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I appreciate, you know,
the input from the homies.
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00:03:01,055 --> 00:03:03,099
-Oh.
-No offense, but listen to me.
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There is a fund-raiser
for the LA Children's Council
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that I really think you should do.
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-The big fella right. I should get cancer.
-[men laughing]
85
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Yeah. Hey, all the stars do.
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Come on, Jerry,
we just busting your balls.
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Come on, lighten up, man.
Listen, tonight poker night, man.
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We don't want to discuss it no more.
Let's move on.
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-Fine. Fine, I'm done.
-Let's deal.
90
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-Gentlemen, moving on.
-Let's do it. Let's deal.
91
00:03:21,701 --> 00:03:24,495
You're never going to hear me say
another word about the golf tournament.
92
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Good. Don't say nothing…
93
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-about a golf tournament?
-What's that, buddy?
94
00:03:29,542 --> 00:03:31,794
Oh, yeah, Matt Damon's thing.
Yeah, but don't worry.
95
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No, he said you wouldn't want to do it.
96
00:03:33,171 --> 00:03:34,589
You know, not since
he beat you by six strokes
97
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the last time you guys played.
98
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-No, wrong, wrong.
-Ooh!
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Six strokes? He got you by six strokes?
100
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-No, no, no.
-Six strokes? He said that?
101
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I'm just telling you what he told me.
102
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I'm just telling you what he told me,
and anyway, you know, it's a family thing.
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He's bringing his girlfriend,
so you can bring Wanda and the kids.
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I'm just telling you
he was hoping you'd come,
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but I'm not going to say another word.
106
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We played about six or seven times
when we were shooting Ocean's Eleven, man.
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And I swear to you, man,
Damon only beat me one time,
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and that was because I had food poisoning.
109
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-That's right.
-No, see, Julia, man, she took us
110
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to this all-you-can-eat
lobster buffet for $7.99.
111
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America's sweetheart made me
sick to my doggone stomach,
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and now Damon's sitting
up here starting rumors.
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Right. So you're in?
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-Hell, yeah, I'm in.
-[laughing]
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[W.B.] Go get 'em, man.
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I'm gonna beat the bejeezus
out of him, too.
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Those sick little kids gonna love it.
And I tell you something else…
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-Deal the cards.
-[laughing]
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["The Payback" playing]
120
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♪ Hey ♪
121
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-♪ Got to, got to pay back ♪
-♪ The big payback ♪
122
00:04:31,646 --> 00:04:32,730
♪ Revenge ♪
123
00:04:38,403 --> 00:04:39,404
♪ I'm mad ♪
124
00:04:39,487 --> 00:04:40,571
♪ The big payback ♪
125
00:04:41,239 --> 00:04:42,365
♪ Got to get back ♪
126
00:04:43,783 --> 00:04:45,118
♪ I need some get back ♪
127
00:04:46,327 --> 00:04:48,288
-[chuckling mischievously]
-♪ Payback ♪
128
00:04:49,455 --> 00:04:50,707
♪ Payback ♪
129
00:04:50,790 --> 00:04:52,667
-[chuckling mischievously]
-♪ That's it ♪
130
00:04:53,543 --> 00:04:54,502
♪ Payback ♪
131
00:04:56,170 --> 00:04:57,005
♪ Revenge ♪
132
00:04:57,088 --> 00:04:57,922
Yeah!
133
00:04:58,673 --> 00:04:59,590
♪ I'm mad ♪
134
00:05:00,174 --> 00:05:01,092
♪ Get down ♪
135
00:05:01,175 --> 00:05:02,176
[Wanda] Bernie?
136
00:05:02,760 --> 00:05:04,637
Bernie, what is it? Is everything okay?
137
00:05:06,889 --> 00:05:08,850
Wanda, you better come sit down.
138
00:05:08,933 --> 00:05:11,060
Honey, you're scaring me.
139
00:05:11,144 --> 00:05:14,230
What happened? Are the kids okay?
Is it my mother?
140
00:05:16,774 --> 00:05:18,443
It's your golf game.
141
00:05:18,526 --> 00:05:20,153
Baby, it's atrocious.
142
00:05:20,570 --> 00:05:23,072
Only reason I'm letting you play is
because you know about it already.
143
00:05:23,698 --> 00:05:25,283
Honey, Matt is a hell of a golfer.
144
00:05:25,366 --> 00:05:27,201
You got to bring your A-game.
145
00:05:27,285 --> 00:05:30,204
If not, I'm afraid you're going
to be a big liability.
146
00:05:30,288 --> 00:05:31,247
But I can help.
147
00:05:31,873 --> 00:05:33,583
See, the first thing we need to…
148
00:05:34,375 --> 00:05:35,626
♪ Sold me out ♪
149
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[door shuts]
150
00:05:37,545 --> 00:05:39,547
I have to do something, America!
151
00:05:39,630 --> 00:05:44,218
I love my wife, but I hate her game.
Her game's ugly.
152
00:05:44,302 --> 00:05:46,679
As ugly as a set of English teeth.
153
00:05:47,430 --> 00:05:50,308
Hmm… but then again,
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Matt's bringing his girl.
155
00:05:52,518 --> 00:05:54,312
She ain't no better than Wanda.
156
00:05:54,395 --> 00:05:56,522
They kind of cancel
each other out, you know.
157
00:05:56,606 --> 00:05:59,692
Like two negatives equaling a positive.
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00:05:59,776 --> 00:06:02,445
So, it's really just about me and Matt.
159
00:06:02,862 --> 00:06:06,324
Oh… I could take that duffer one-handed.
160
00:06:06,407 --> 00:06:09,827
Yes, sir, oh… America, it's back on.
161
00:06:09,911 --> 00:06:12,163
Oh, yeah, it's on. On.
162
00:06:12,246 --> 00:06:13,915
[indistinct chattering]
163
00:06:21,339 --> 00:06:22,256
[Matt] Bernie.
164
00:06:22,340 --> 00:06:24,258
Hey, Bernie Mac. Excuse me.
165
00:06:24,884 --> 00:06:26,469
-Bernie.
-[Bernie chuckles] Look at this, baby.
166
00:06:26,552 --> 00:06:27,428
Hey. Hey, Wanda.
167
00:06:27,512 --> 00:06:28,763
-[Wanda] Hey, Matt.
-How you doing?
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00:06:28,846 --> 00:06:30,723
-What's up, Matt?
-Hey, thanks for coming, man.
169
00:06:30,807 --> 00:06:32,141
-Yeah, yeah.
-I appreciate it.
170
00:06:32,225 --> 00:06:33,601
-Hey, kids, how you doing?
-Hey.
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00:06:33,684 --> 00:06:35,103
You're all right?
You didn't-- Your stomach okay?
172
00:06:35,186 --> 00:06:37,021
You didn't eat any shellfish
or anything for breakfast?
173
00:06:37,105 --> 00:06:38,189
You okay?
174
00:06:38,272 --> 00:06:39,440
Man, I got you.
175
00:06:39,857 --> 00:06:41,484
I've been working on
my secret weapon, baby.
176
00:06:41,567 --> 00:06:43,861
I hope your lady friend brought her swing.
177
00:06:43,945 --> 00:06:44,904
Oh, my girlfriend couldn't come.
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00:06:44,987 --> 00:06:47,115
She had to go out of town,
so I had to get a sub.
179
00:06:47,198 --> 00:06:48,783
A sub? What?
180
00:06:48,866 --> 00:06:50,076
Yeah, uh, Luce?
181
00:06:50,701 --> 00:06:52,245
Hey, you know Lucy Lawless?
182
00:06:52,328 --> 00:06:53,704
Xena: Warrior Princess?
183
00:06:53,788 --> 00:06:54,872
Warrior Princess?
184
00:06:55,498 --> 00:06:56,791
Bernie, hi.
185
00:06:56,874 --> 00:06:58,209
Ow.
186
00:06:58,292 --> 00:07:00,169
It's not fair, America.
187
00:07:00,253 --> 00:07:01,587
Lucy Lawless?
188
00:07:01,671 --> 00:07:02,964
The girl mythological.
189
00:07:03,047 --> 00:07:04,674
He brought a warrior princess.
190
00:07:04,757 --> 00:07:06,676
I brought a set of English teeth.
191
00:07:06,759 --> 00:07:08,594
Advantage: Damon.
192
00:07:08,678 --> 00:07:10,805
This is gonna be ugly, America.
193
00:07:10,888 --> 00:07:12,473
The girl got a grip.
194
00:07:13,057 --> 00:07:14,934
I'm gonna have to go get some X-rays.
195
00:07:19,814 --> 00:07:21,732
That's a good-looking swing, Bern.
196
00:07:21,816 --> 00:07:24,152
Oh, look at you, Matt.
You know, you slick.
197
00:07:24,235 --> 00:07:25,862
You'd do any doggone thing to win.
198
00:07:25,945 --> 00:07:27,488
-You have the wrong idea.
-No, I don't.
199
00:07:27,572 --> 00:07:30,032
Here's Bernie Mac
with our host, Matt Damon.
200
00:07:30,116 --> 00:07:32,201
There a little rivalry
going on between you guys?
201
00:07:32,285 --> 00:07:33,786
No, no, not at all.
202
00:07:33,870 --> 00:07:35,538
-No, no, no, no, no, no.
-We're just here to…
203
00:07:35,621 --> 00:07:36,873
Yeah. There ain't no rivalry.
204
00:07:36,956 --> 00:07:39,834
Matt know I whup him
every doggone time, every time.
205
00:07:39,917 --> 00:07:42,253
[chuckles] Bernie gets
a little competitive at these things…
206
00:07:42,336 --> 00:07:44,255
-Oh, I… Oh, I get…
-…but, you know, we're old friends.
207
00:07:44,338 --> 00:07:45,214
I get a little competitive.
208
00:07:45,298 --> 00:07:48,134
I'm not the one who traded my partner in
for Hercules in a dress.
209
00:07:48,217 --> 00:07:49,927
Where is she? Where is she?
210
00:07:50,011 --> 00:07:51,304
Hey, Lucy?
211
00:07:51,387 --> 00:07:52,346
Good shot, Bernie.
212
00:07:52,430 --> 00:07:54,557
[laughs] Look at those arms.
213
00:07:54,640 --> 00:07:56,392
The jaws of life,
that's what they look like.
214
00:07:56,476 --> 00:07:57,560
They'll suck the wind out you.
215
00:07:57,643 --> 00:07:59,020
[quietly] Bernie, come on,
this is for charity.
216
00:07:59,103 --> 00:08:00,688
Charity. Charity, right?
217
00:08:00,771 --> 00:08:03,733
Okay, if it's for charity,
why don't you take Wanda and give me Lucy?
218
00:08:03,816 --> 00:08:06,110
-I'm not going to take Wanda.
-It's for charity, it's for charity.
219
00:08:06,194 --> 00:08:08,738
-I flew Lucy in from New Zealand, man.
-It's for charity.
220
00:08:08,821 --> 00:08:09,864
-It's for charity.
-All right, fine,
221
00:08:09,947 --> 00:08:11,240
I'll take Wanda as my partner.
222
00:08:12,575 --> 00:08:15,286
Now he want my wife.
See, I knew you wanted my wife.
223
00:08:15,369 --> 00:08:16,954
-You always did want my wife.
-[Matt] Bernie…
224
00:08:17,038 --> 00:08:18,164
[inhales] Ready to play?
225
00:08:19,415 --> 00:08:20,666
Oh, this is wonderful.
226
00:08:21,083 --> 00:08:23,336
Bernie Mac's chosen
one of the terminal kids
227
00:08:23,419 --> 00:08:24,795
to be his honorary caddy.
228
00:08:24,879 --> 00:08:26,547
A big man.
229
00:08:26,631 --> 00:08:27,673
A big heart.
230
00:08:27,757 --> 00:08:28,883
I'm terminal?
231
00:08:28,966 --> 00:08:30,468
Shut up, boy. [clears throat]
232
00:08:30,551 --> 00:08:31,844
He's sick as hell.
233
00:08:31,928 --> 00:08:36,516
[announcer] First up on tee number one,
the host of our tournament, Matt Damon.
234
00:08:39,977 --> 00:08:41,729
Matt, good luck.
235
00:08:41,812 --> 00:08:43,231
Oh, thank you, sweetie.
236
00:08:43,814 --> 00:08:45,525
That child's dead to me.
237
00:08:47,235 --> 00:08:48,528
[applauding]
238
00:08:51,239 --> 00:08:53,908
[announcer] Next up
on the tee, Lucy Lawless.
239
00:09:06,212 --> 00:09:07,755
[chuckling]
240
00:09:09,423 --> 00:09:11,509
Yes! Yes!
241
00:09:11,592 --> 00:09:14,136
Did you see that, America?
Yeah, she's bad.
242
00:09:14,220 --> 00:09:18,474
She might be able to swing a sword,
but she can't swing a golf club, no, sir.
243
00:09:18,558 --> 00:09:21,644
My baby, Wanda, she got this.
244
00:09:21,727 --> 00:09:22,770
Yes!
245
00:09:23,354 --> 00:09:24,438
-Wanda!
-[gasps]
246
00:09:24,522 --> 00:09:25,940
Do just like I told you, baby.
247
00:09:26,023 --> 00:09:28,276
Keep your head down,
your left arm straight.
248
00:09:28,359 --> 00:09:30,695
You got it.
Give me that rhythmic backswing.
249
00:09:30,778 --> 00:09:32,697
Baby, I want you to hold it
like a wounded bird.
250
00:09:32,780 --> 00:09:34,282
-Bernie…
-I ain't gonna say nothing.
251
00:09:34,365 --> 00:09:36,075
I ain't gonna say nothing.
Go ahead, go ahead.
252
00:09:38,995 --> 00:09:40,288
Oh, remember to waggle.
253
00:09:40,371 --> 00:09:41,998
-That's the boy.
-Ow.
254
00:09:47,253 --> 00:09:50,214
-[spectators whooping]
-[Jordan] She did it!
255
00:09:50,923 --> 00:09:52,842
You my baby, Wanda!
256
00:09:53,509 --> 00:09:55,970
My baby bringing the heat! Hey, Matt.
257
00:09:56,846 --> 00:09:58,431
Seem like I'm the one got the ringer, huh?
258
00:09:59,390 --> 00:10:00,516
Come on, baby, show them how it's done.
259
00:10:00,600 --> 00:10:02,018
You think I ain't? [chuckles]
260
00:10:02,101 --> 00:10:03,936
-[announcer] Teeing off next, Bernie Mac.
-Yeah.
261
00:10:06,939 --> 00:10:08,316
It's, uh…
262
00:10:08,399 --> 00:10:11,485
time to grip it and rip it.
263
00:10:15,114 --> 00:10:16,449
[Jerry] Yeah!
264
00:10:16,532 --> 00:10:17,742
That's my Bernie.
265
00:10:18,576 --> 00:10:20,328
All right. [laughs]
266
00:10:20,411 --> 00:10:21,829
I smell endorsements, baby.
267
00:10:22,705 --> 00:10:26,167
You want to play like that, my man,
you better bring Bagger Vance.
268
00:10:26,250 --> 00:10:28,336
-Whoa. [chuckling]
-[speaking indistinctly]
269
00:10:32,548 --> 00:10:34,050
[applause]
270
00:10:34,133 --> 00:10:35,468
Damn, America.
271
00:10:36,636 --> 00:10:39,472
Wanda's playing pretty doggone good.
272
00:10:39,555 --> 00:10:43,267
Look at you.
I mean, right down the middle-o.
273
00:10:43,351 --> 00:10:45,311
-[giggles]
-You ain't seen nothin' yet, baby.
274
00:10:45,394 --> 00:10:46,687
Watch this here.
275
00:10:46,771 --> 00:10:47,772
[sighs]
276
00:10:49,357 --> 00:10:51,317
[crowd gasping]
277
00:10:51,400 --> 00:10:52,318
Booty!
278
00:10:52,401 --> 00:10:55,613
-Ooh, right in the rough.
-No, don't talk to him, sweetie.
279
00:10:55,696 --> 00:10:56,989
It might rub off on you.
280
00:10:57,073 --> 00:10:58,282
I could've made that shot.
281
00:10:58,366 --> 00:11:01,118
You know, it was kind of complicated.
I was shooting a fade.
282
00:11:01,202 --> 00:11:02,119
Here.
283
00:11:02,453 --> 00:11:03,704
[chortling]
284
00:11:03,788 --> 00:11:05,331
["Bad Luck" playing]
285
00:11:12,213 --> 00:11:13,297
♪ Well ♪
286
00:11:14,173 --> 00:11:15,424
♪ Well ♪
287
00:11:15,508 --> 00:11:16,634
[man] You the man!
288
00:11:18,052 --> 00:11:19,470
[spectators groaning]
289
00:11:19,553 --> 00:11:20,596
♪ Because lately ♪
290
00:11:20,679 --> 00:11:22,890
♪ You've been starting to lose ♪
291
00:11:23,599 --> 00:11:26,977
♪ Losing out on everything
You might try to do ♪
292
00:11:27,728 --> 00:11:31,399
♪ Bad luck, fellas, got a hold on you ♪
293
00:11:31,857 --> 00:11:35,486
♪ Losing your money,
'Bout to lose your home ♪
294
00:11:36,362 --> 00:11:38,155
That's what I'm talking about.
295
00:11:38,864 --> 00:11:41,200
Closer to the hole, baby!
296
00:11:41,283 --> 00:11:42,743
Thank you!
297
00:11:42,827 --> 00:11:43,994
Mac is back!
298
00:11:44,078 --> 00:11:45,621
♪ If you wanna know the truth about it ♪
299
00:11:45,704 --> 00:11:50,084
♪ I'll tell you
What's pullin' you down, yeah ♪
300
00:11:50,167 --> 00:11:52,461
[laughing] Oh, my goodness!
301
00:11:52,545 --> 00:11:54,046
[Wanda] Oh, my God, did you see that?
302
00:11:54,130 --> 00:11:57,425
Oh, Wanda, that was incredible.
I think you just found Bernie's swing.
303
00:11:57,508 --> 00:11:59,343
Yeah, Bernie, maybe you could
take some lessons from your wife.
304
00:11:59,427 --> 00:12:00,594
[laughs]
305
00:12:00,678 --> 00:12:02,263
[chortling]
306
00:12:02,346 --> 00:12:05,057
Boy, you see I got an assortment
of clubs over here. I'll…
307
00:12:05,141 --> 00:12:08,060
-Aunt Wanda's punkin' him.
-Ain't nobody punkin' nothin'.
308
00:12:08,144 --> 00:12:10,438
I ain't got nothing against
Wanda playing well, America.
309
00:12:10,521 --> 00:12:13,315
No, I don't, but I want to play good, too.
310
00:12:13,399 --> 00:12:16,652
And in all fairness,
she's been playing from the ladies' tee.
311
00:12:16,735 --> 00:12:20,364
I'm playing from the pro's.
Mine… [whooshing]. Hers, tink!
312
00:12:21,532 --> 00:12:22,533
[sighs]
313
00:12:26,954 --> 00:12:28,414
[crowd gasping]
314
00:12:28,497 --> 00:12:29,832
[scattered chuckling]
315
00:12:29,915 --> 00:12:31,125
[chortling]
316
00:12:31,208 --> 00:12:32,251
Jordan!
317
00:12:33,043 --> 00:12:34,420
-[Jordan] Ah!
-Whoa, Bernie.
318
00:12:34,503 --> 00:12:37,256
Bernie, ease up, dog, all right? Okay?
319
00:12:37,339 --> 00:12:39,717
The crowd loved it, man.
The last thing you want to do
320
00:12:39,800 --> 00:12:42,761
is explain child abuse
at a children's charity event, right?
321
00:12:43,637 --> 00:12:45,848
Bernie Mac. Huh? Give it up.
322
00:12:45,931 --> 00:12:47,057
King of Comedy.
323
00:12:48,184 --> 00:12:51,395
It's for the kids, baby.
It's all for the kids.
324
00:12:51,479 --> 00:12:52,480
Damn straight.
325
00:12:52,563 --> 00:12:53,814
It's for you, Jordan!
326
00:12:54,523 --> 00:12:55,858
Swear to God!
327
00:12:55,941 --> 00:12:59,069
Simon says… shake your head.
328
00:13:00,196 --> 00:13:02,615
Simon says… shake your hips.
329
00:13:09,330 --> 00:13:11,790
-Fore!
-[crowd gasping and muttering]
330
00:13:17,630 --> 00:13:19,256
-[chuckling]
-[crowd] Aww…
331
00:13:19,340 --> 00:13:21,091
[wind howling]
332
00:13:23,469 --> 00:13:25,137
-Oh, my goodness!
-[cheering and applause]
333
00:13:25,221 --> 00:13:28,015
Oh, my goodness! What a shot.
334
00:13:28,098 --> 00:13:30,392
-Oh, my goodness, that was incredible.
-Boo.
335
00:13:30,476 --> 00:13:31,852
Oh, she's great.
336
00:13:31,936 --> 00:13:33,729
Don't tell me all what I got to do.
337
00:13:33,812 --> 00:13:35,147
You see that?
338
00:13:35,231 --> 00:13:36,607
America, you see that?
339
00:13:36,690 --> 00:13:38,275
Nothing going right for me today.
340
00:13:38,359 --> 00:13:40,319
Even the elements are against me.
341
00:13:40,402 --> 00:13:42,404
I came here to give the fans a treat,
342
00:13:42,488 --> 00:13:44,907
but Wanda took my game, my essence.
343
00:13:44,990 --> 00:13:46,450
I got no mojo.
344
00:13:46,534 --> 00:13:47,493
[cart beeping]
345
00:13:47,576 --> 00:13:48,911
I got nothing.
346
00:13:48,994 --> 00:13:50,913
[beeping continues]
347
00:13:52,706 --> 00:13:54,250
You gonna play or not, Tiger?
348
00:13:58,462 --> 00:13:59,505
[man] Come on.
349
00:13:59,588 --> 00:14:01,632
[laughter and cheering]
350
00:14:02,424 --> 00:14:04,635
Oh, that was unbelievable, Wanda!
351
00:14:04,718 --> 00:14:06,762
-You're terrific.
-[speaks indistinctly]
352
00:14:06,845 --> 00:14:08,013
-Amazing.
-[chuckles]
353
00:14:08,097 --> 00:14:09,682
Bernie, we…
354
00:14:09,765 --> 00:14:11,016
We won.
355
00:14:11,892 --> 00:14:15,938
You see that there?
That makes losing completely worthwhile.
356
00:14:22,987 --> 00:14:26,365
This is Pat O'Brien, Access Hollywood,
at the Children's Charity Golf Tournament,
357
00:14:26,448 --> 00:14:29,618
where it turns out,
the big story is Bernie Mac.
358
00:14:29,702 --> 00:14:32,204
Spectators say
the King of Comedy's behavior
359
00:14:32,288 --> 00:14:34,248
was most uncharitable.
360
00:14:34,331 --> 00:14:36,166
Mac declined comment,
361
00:14:36,250 --> 00:14:39,587
but his people said
the weather was to blame.
362
00:14:40,838 --> 00:14:45,009
America, you have no idea
what my house has been like
363
00:14:45,092 --> 00:14:47,177
since that doggone charity tournament.
364
00:14:47,261 --> 00:14:49,722
It's like living in solitary confinement.
365
00:14:49,805 --> 00:14:52,099
Bernie Mac is in a prison
of his own making.
366
00:14:52,182 --> 00:14:54,393
I mean, it's cold and lonely.
367
00:14:54,476 --> 00:14:57,021
And you might find
this a little hard to believe,
368
00:14:57,104 --> 00:15:00,566
but, America, sometime
I can get a little overly competitive.
369
00:15:00,649 --> 00:15:01,734
Oh…
370
00:15:02,484 --> 00:15:04,528
She still won't let me come to the table.
371
00:15:04,612 --> 00:15:06,488
Ah, but don't you worry.
372
00:15:06,572 --> 00:15:09,283
I'm going to make it up to Wanda.
373
00:15:09,366 --> 00:15:11,702
And I know just how to do it.
374
00:15:14,079 --> 00:15:16,540
["Lady" playing]
375
00:15:32,598 --> 00:15:36,060
♪ You say you love me, lady ♪
376
00:15:36,143 --> 00:15:38,562
♪ Girl, I hope you do ♪
377
00:15:39,647 --> 00:15:42,566
♪ Only you can save me ♪
378
00:15:43,233 --> 00:15:44,985
♪ My life equals you ♪
379
00:15:45,069 --> 00:15:45,986
Oh, baby.
380
00:15:46,070 --> 00:15:47,321
-[record scratches]
-Oh, please.
381
00:15:48,822 --> 00:15:50,240
[chuckles]
382
00:15:50,324 --> 00:15:53,369
I guess she's not
in the making-up mood right yet, you know?
383
00:15:53,452 --> 00:15:56,330
[laughs] That's all right.
Just let her sleep on it, you know.
384
00:15:56,413 --> 00:15:59,708
These things always
blow over by the morning. [chuckles]
385
00:15:59,792 --> 00:16:02,920
Stop being like this.
Let us put this thing to bed.
386
00:16:03,253 --> 00:16:04,421
Wanda!
387
00:16:04,964 --> 00:16:08,050
Why you acting like this? Huh?
388
00:16:08,926 --> 00:16:10,135
[tires screeching]
389
00:16:11,011 --> 00:16:13,180
Okay, then, I'll wait
till you get home, baby.
390
00:16:13,263 --> 00:16:15,933
All right, you're known with the ladies.
391
00:16:16,016 --> 00:16:17,226
You're a heartthrob.
392
00:16:17,309 --> 00:16:19,478
What would you suggest
I do right here, Matt?
393
00:16:20,104 --> 00:16:22,898
All right, well, from what I can tell,
Wanda's a pretty smart lady, right?
394
00:16:22,982 --> 00:16:23,816
Yeah, she is. Yeah.
395
00:16:23,899 --> 00:16:25,609
So, the traditional angles
aren't going to work for you.
396
00:16:25,693 --> 00:16:26,568
-Uh-uh.
-Right?
397
00:16:26,652 --> 00:16:28,195
She also doesn't seem to be…
398
00:16:28,696 --> 00:16:31,407
particularly impressed with you,
399
00:16:31,490 --> 00:16:35,035
so, you know, the celebrity card,
that's not going to work for you.
400
00:16:35,119 --> 00:16:36,704
Oh, that just broke you in half,
didn't it?
401
00:16:37,788 --> 00:16:39,790
Look, I'm sorry, man. I think you're…
402
00:16:40,207 --> 00:16:42,626
I think you're going to
have to take the sincere approach.
403
00:16:45,087 --> 00:16:46,672
[music playing on car stereo]
404
00:16:51,051 --> 00:16:52,886
Baby, you ready to talk about this?
405
00:16:53,554 --> 00:16:54,430
Huh?
406
00:16:55,764 --> 00:16:57,975
You are not gonna like what I have to say.
407
00:17:01,353 --> 00:17:04,732
You know, Bernie,
you've got a real problem.
408
00:17:04,815 --> 00:17:07,651
Okay. Wanda, I'm a reasonable,
open-minded man.
409
00:17:07,735 --> 00:17:09,028
Tell me what my problem is.
410
00:17:09,111 --> 00:17:12,364
Your problem is,
is that you're only about Bernie Mac.
411
00:17:12,448 --> 00:17:15,075
How about a little support for me
when I do well?
412
00:17:15,534 --> 00:17:17,369
I don't know what you're
talking about, baby. I do support you.
413
00:17:17,453 --> 00:17:19,580
-Huh.
-I support your life, your career.
414
00:17:19,663 --> 00:17:22,207
Look at you.
You're successful, you're smart.
415
00:17:22,291 --> 00:17:24,793
You're a strong woman
and I love that about you.
416
00:17:24,877 --> 00:17:27,129
Yeah, you only love it
as long as it's convenient,
417
00:17:27,212 --> 00:17:29,214
as long as I stay out of your spotlight.
418
00:17:29,298 --> 00:17:32,384
Don't get mad at me
because I stole your thunder.
419
00:17:33,552 --> 00:17:34,386
What?
420
00:17:34,678 --> 00:17:36,638
Steal my thunder? [laughs]
421
00:17:36,722 --> 00:17:38,682
Can't steal Bernie Mac's thunder.
422
00:17:38,766 --> 00:17:41,143
Bernie, just face it.
423
00:17:41,226 --> 00:17:43,479
You're not the best at everything.
424
00:17:43,562 --> 00:17:46,356
I am better than you at some things.
425
00:17:48,942 --> 00:17:51,070
All right, name your game.
426
00:17:52,112 --> 00:17:54,406
-Are you for real?
-[scoffs] You hear giggling?
427
00:17:55,491 --> 00:17:57,701
Okay. Poker.
428
00:17:57,785 --> 00:18:01,413
-No.
-Tonight, with you and the boys.
429
00:18:04,541 --> 00:18:07,044
You know you just
signed your own death warrant, don't you?
430
00:18:07,127 --> 00:18:08,712
This ain't no Tupperware party.
431
00:18:08,796 --> 00:18:11,173
This is hard-core poker,
432
00:18:11,256 --> 00:18:12,674
and I'm going to tell you something, baby.
433
00:18:12,758 --> 00:18:14,635
There ain't no mercy in the lion's den.
434
00:18:14,718 --> 00:18:16,053
[goofy roar]
435
00:18:17,721 --> 00:18:19,681
-[Wanda laughing]
-Yeah…
436
00:18:19,765 --> 00:18:21,016
[indistinct chattering]
437
00:18:21,100 --> 00:18:23,143
-Ah, ah, ah, ah!
-You better watch 'em.
438
00:18:23,227 --> 00:18:26,480
-You watch them shifty eyes.
-Yeah, you cash your check, baby.
439
00:18:26,563 --> 00:18:28,649
-Yeah.
-All right, all right, all right.
440
00:18:28,732 --> 00:18:30,442
What did I miss? What did I miss?
What's going on?
441
00:18:30,526 --> 00:18:32,528
Man, same thing
that's been happening all night.
442
00:18:32,611 --> 00:18:35,614
-Bernie and Wanda been kicking our butts.
-Mm-hmm.
443
00:18:35,697 --> 00:18:36,782
-Well, baby…
-Mm?
444
00:18:36,865 --> 00:18:38,951
-…look like it's just you and me.
-Mm.
445
00:18:39,034 --> 00:18:41,328
But you got to be in it… to win it.
446
00:18:41,411 --> 00:18:43,372
-Oh, I'm in it.
-Ah…
447
00:18:43,455 --> 00:18:45,457
-[chips clattering]
-I raise you 50.
448
00:18:45,541 --> 00:18:47,835
-[men] Ooh!
-[humming dramatically]
449
00:18:47,918 --> 00:18:50,587
-You're bluffing.
-You got to pay to find out.
450
00:18:50,671 --> 00:18:54,383
Well, I'm gonna pay, and Daddy's about
to play, 'cause you can't…
451
00:18:54,466 --> 00:18:55,884
-[chips clattering]
-…bluff Daddy.
452
00:18:56,760 --> 00:18:57,719
You know why?
453
00:18:57,803 --> 00:19:00,013
'Cause the Mac is bringing the heat.
454
00:19:00,097 --> 00:19:02,432
Better yet… what you got?
455
00:19:03,308 --> 00:19:05,269
Kelly's fantasy. Three ladies.
456
00:19:05,352 --> 00:19:06,603
[all] Oh!
457
00:19:06,687 --> 00:19:07,604
[laughs]
458
00:19:07,688 --> 00:19:10,732
-What you got? What you got, Daddy?
-[W.B.] Oh, what's up, Mac?
459
00:19:11,900 --> 00:19:13,402
-Let's move on.
-[all groaning]
460
00:19:13,485 --> 00:19:14,778
-You bluffing, baby?
-[men laughing]
461
00:19:14,862 --> 00:19:16,321
Let's move on, now. Let's move on.
462
00:19:16,405 --> 00:19:18,073
-What?
-Aww…
463
00:19:18,157 --> 00:19:19,449
Well, I got you faded.
464
00:19:19,533 --> 00:19:20,826
-[laughter]
-[Wanda] Yeah.
465
00:19:20,909 --> 00:19:22,661
-No, no. Let's stand still.
-[Wanda] Uh-uh.
466
00:19:22,744 --> 00:19:23,996
-Three bullets.
-Uh-uh.
467
00:19:24,079 --> 00:19:25,080
[all] Oh!
468
00:19:25,164 --> 00:19:27,958
Ooh. Ooh, just when she thought…
469
00:19:28,041 --> 00:19:30,043
-[W.B.] His own wife.
-Well, that… See, that's cold.
470
00:19:30,127 --> 00:19:31,336
[laughs]
471
00:19:31,420 --> 00:19:33,338
I bluffed you, too, didn't I, America?
472
00:19:33,422 --> 00:19:35,465
[chuckles]
473
00:19:35,841 --> 00:19:36,842
Yeah.
474
00:19:36,925 --> 00:19:38,093
I got to go to my night job soon.
475
00:19:38,177 --> 00:19:40,512
-Hey, man, what do you want from me, man?
-Well, you're my ride. Easy.
476
00:19:40,596 --> 00:19:42,431
Look here, I want to win
some of my money back,
477
00:19:42,514 --> 00:19:43,515
and I got 'em on the ropes.
478
00:19:43,599 --> 00:19:46,268
-You ain't gonna…
-Now, we can go.
479
00:19:46,351 --> 00:19:47,186
[laughs]
480
00:19:47,269 --> 00:19:48,645
-See, that's…
-[Wanda] Good night.
481
00:19:48,729 --> 00:19:49,897
-Let's go.
-What you talking about, man?
482
00:19:49,980 --> 00:19:51,773
I'll see you guys.
Good night. Thank you, Wanda.
483
00:19:51,857 --> 00:19:52,858
[W.B.] Hey!
484
00:19:53,692 --> 00:19:54,818
[door opens]
485
00:19:54,902 --> 00:19:57,404
-I guess it's, uh, down to you and me.
-[door closes]
486
00:19:58,197 --> 00:19:59,740
That's all it ever was.
487
00:20:00,699 --> 00:20:02,534
But two people can't play poker.
488
00:20:03,493 --> 00:20:05,662
["Reasons" playing]
489
00:20:18,342 --> 00:20:21,970
♪ Now I'm craving your body ♪
490
00:20:22,054 --> 00:20:23,597
♪ Is this real? ♪
491
00:20:23,680 --> 00:20:25,349
♪ Temperature's rising ♪
492
00:20:25,432 --> 00:20:27,351
♪ I don't wanna feel ♪
493
00:20:27,434 --> 00:20:31,396
♪ I'm in the wrong place to be real ♪
494
00:20:32,522 --> 00:20:33,523
No.
495
00:20:34,775 --> 00:20:36,151
I'm mad at you.
496
00:20:38,153 --> 00:20:41,448
You might be mad at me, but your body's
saying something different.
497
00:20:41,531 --> 00:20:44,952
No, Bernie, I'm mad at you.
Why do you always have to win?
498
00:20:45,035 --> 00:20:46,161
Because I'm a winner.
499
00:20:47,079 --> 00:20:49,706
Well, sometimes Wanda Mac wins, too.
500
00:20:50,874 --> 00:20:53,043
Well, maybe we both can win.
501
00:20:55,045 --> 00:20:56,964
That sounds good.
502
00:21:00,008 --> 00:21:01,885
Well, I want you to say,
503
00:21:01,969 --> 00:21:05,889
"Wanda Mac kicked my butt,
and I'm okay with it."
504
00:21:06,598 --> 00:21:08,392
You sure pick a bad time to try to…
505
00:21:10,143 --> 00:21:12,437
What… How are we
both going to win if I say that?
506
00:21:12,521 --> 00:21:14,481
"Wanda Mac kicked my butt…
507
00:21:15,274 --> 00:21:16,608
and I'm okay with it."
508
00:21:17,234 --> 00:21:18,443
Wanda Mac…
509
00:21:19,528 --> 00:21:20,404
[mumbles]
510
00:21:20,487 --> 00:21:21,530
"Kicked my butt."
511
00:21:23,198 --> 00:21:24,908
Kicked my butt.
512
00:21:27,911 --> 00:21:29,496
"And I'm okay with it."
513
00:21:32,457 --> 00:21:33,750
[mumbling] And I'm not okay with it.
514
00:21:33,834 --> 00:21:35,627
No, no, no. What now? What now?
515
00:21:35,711 --> 00:21:36,795
And I'm okay with it.
516
00:21:36,878 --> 00:21:38,130
Oh.
517
00:21:39,089 --> 00:21:40,507
Well, okay now. Come here.
518
00:21:40,590 --> 00:21:41,842
♪ All the reasons why ♪
519
00:21:41,925 --> 00:21:44,386
♪ All our reasons were a lie ♪
520
00:21:44,469 --> 00:21:45,595
♪ All our reasons were a lie ♪
521
00:21:45,679 --> 00:21:49,599
See, America?
That's why my marriage is so strong,
522
00:21:49,683 --> 00:21:53,645
because even when we go at it,
it just brings us closer together.
523
00:21:53,729 --> 00:21:57,316
Now, see, I know Bernie Mac
is a flawed, a foible man,
524
00:21:57,399 --> 00:22:00,444
and sometimes he needs help,
charity from someone
525
00:22:00,527 --> 00:22:03,405
who can bring him back
from the edge of ugliness.
526
00:22:03,488 --> 00:22:05,574
See, that's where Wanda comes in.
527
00:22:05,657 --> 00:22:07,617
See, my baby, she's charitable.
528
00:22:07,701 --> 00:22:10,537
Throws me a life preserver
when I get in too deep,
529
00:22:10,620 --> 00:22:13,665
even if it's by pointing out
that I'm a damn fool.
530
00:22:14,374 --> 00:22:16,710
America, it's true what they say.
531
00:22:16,793 --> 00:22:19,379
Charity really does begin at home.
532
00:22:24,426 --> 00:22:26,053
[Bernie] Miss it, miss it.
533
00:22:26,136 --> 00:22:27,679
Miss it!
534
00:22:27,763 --> 00:22:30,098
[Matt] What is all this
"Bernie versus Damon" stuff
535
00:22:30,182 --> 00:22:31,516
I've been hearing about all day?
536
00:22:31,600 --> 00:22:34,144
I mean, why would anybody--
Whoa, that chick's hot!
537
00:22:35,228 --> 00:22:38,607
[Wanda] I've got to remember
to ask Lucy where she got her top.
538
00:22:39,691 --> 00:22:42,152
[Lucy] Why does Wanda
keep staring at my chest?
539
00:22:42,235 --> 00:22:43,904
She's got nice ones.
540
00:22:46,156 --> 00:22:47,991
[all groaning]
541
00:22:49,201 --> 00:22:51,411
[wind howling]
40081
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