Original subtitles

[opening theme music playing]

America, it is so good to see you.

I mean, welcome back.

I missed you.

And I hope you had a nice little break…

'cause I didn't.

I was with those doggone kids the entire time.

Yeah, I know what you're saying.

"Bernie Mac, when you have children you have to sacrifice, give of yourself."

"Blah-dee-blah-blah." Yeah, well, whatever.

Yeah, but who gives to me?

From now on, I'm going to be the charity.

I'm not asking for any donations, but I am asking for a little compassion,

some understanding, peace and quiet,

and maybe some cards and a good cigar. Now, is that so wrong?

Baby straight, baby boy.

-Don't tell me that. -Oh, come on.

I'm pure tired, man.

I don't need you being tired. Get ready to cry like a baby boy.

What you got? What you got?

I got three deuces and a pair of Shaka Zulus.

-Oh! -Yup. Look at that.

-Yes, sir. Yes, sir. -Excuse me.

Uh, Shaka Zulus?

Two black kings, man.

-[Wanda] Bernie. -I knew that.

You gotta do something about Jordan. He's in here playing David and Goliath.

-Hold on, be right back. -Oh, man.

Give it back. I told you to stay out my stuff.

Prepare to be smoted.

[Bernie] Boy, what'd I tell you about making weapons?

Philistine!

-[glass breaking] -[Jordan] It was an accident! What? No!

-No! -[Bernie] Let me go back in there.

-I'm going to scrub it till you bleed. -[laughing]

-They be killing him. -[laughing]

Oh, no, no, no. I mean, up, up, up.

Y'all didn't deal her in, did you?

And how much did you lose?

We haven't played yet.

Well, I guess those winnings is mine.

Thanks for the vote of confidence, Bernie.

I'm with you, but not tonight.

[men chuckling]

-Take it easy. -All right.

-Look at all those winnings. -Yeah.

You know what, fellas? Bernie Mac is truly blessed.

-[murmur of agreement] -Yeah, gentlemen,

don't you think someone as truly blessed as Bernie Mac

should think about, you know, maybe giving a little back?

Absolutely.

-Yes. -Without a doubt.

-Right over here. -You better back up. You already get 10%.

Bernie, I'm serious. I'm talking about, you know,

attaching yourself to some cause.

Donate your time, your name. It's great publicity.

-He's right, man. -Mm-hmm.

There's a lot you could do for the community, brother.

You know what? Like help the homeless, man.

Well, see, no, actually, I was talking about something

more along the lines of a children's charity.

Oh, like a kid's disease.

Hey, how about pinkeye?

[laughing] My little girl brings it home from school all the time, man.

She's all gooped up.

-Man, I can't even touch her. -Excuse me.

-Wait, wait. Hey, come on, come on, man. -[indistinct chatter, laughter]

-Yo, man, Bernie Mac is a A-list comedian. -Big fella.

-So, he need a A-list disease. -Yes.

Yo, you want… you want to get to the big time?

-Yeah. -Get cancer.

-Oh, my God. -Yes.

-Yo, yo, hey, hey, hey. -Cancer.

-Yo, yo, hey. Cancer… -Cancer.

-…is big, dog. -Oh…

Can I just talk to my client?

Can I just talk to my client, for the love of God, W.B.?

-Thank you. -[scoffs]

Bernie, dog, listen.

I appreciate, you know, the input from the homies.

-Oh. -No offense, but listen to me.

There is a fund-raiser for the LA Children's Council

that I really think you should do.

-The big fella right. I should get cancer. -[men laughing]

Yeah. Hey, all the stars do.

Come on, Jerry, we just busting your balls.

Come on, lighten up, man. Listen, tonight poker night, man.

We don't want to discuss it no more. Let's move on.

-Fine. Fine, I'm done. -Let's deal.

-Gentlemen, moving on. -Let's do it. Let's deal.

You're never going to hear me say another word about the golf tournament.

Good. Don't say nothing…

-about a golf tournament? -What's that, buddy?

Oh, yeah, Matt Damon's thing. Yeah, but don't worry.

No, he said you wouldn't want to do it.

You know, not since he beat you by six strokes

the last time you guys played.

-No, wrong, wrong. -Ooh!

Six strokes? He got you by six strokes?

-No, no, no. -Six strokes? He said that?

I'm just telling you what he told me.

I'm just telling you what he told me, and anyway, you know, it's a family thing.

He's bringing his girlfriend, so you can bring Wanda and the kids.

I'm just telling you he was hoping you'd come,

but I'm not going to say another word.

We played about six or seven times when we were shooting Ocean's Eleven, man.

And I swear to you, man, Damon only beat me one time,

and that was because I had food poisoning.

-That's right. -No, see, Julia, man, she took us

to this all-you-can-eat lobster buffet for $7.99.

America's sweetheart made me sick to my doggone stomach,

and now Damon's sitting up here starting rumors.

Right. So you're in?

-Hell, yeah, I'm in. -[laughing]

[W.B.] Go get 'em, man.

I'm gonna beat the bejeezus out of him, too.

Those sick little kids gonna love it. And I tell you something else…

-Deal the cards. -[laughing]

["The Payback" playing]

♪ Hey ♪

-♪ Got to, got to pay back ♪ -♪ The big payback ♪

♪ Revenge ♪

♪ I'm mad ♪

♪ The big payback ♪

♪ Got to get back ♪

♪ I need some get back ♪

-[chuckling mischievously] -♪ Payback ♪

♪ Payback ♪

-[chuckling mischievously] -♪ That's it ♪

♪ Payback ♪

♪ Revenge ♪

Yeah!

♪ I'm mad ♪

♪ Get down ♪

[Wanda] Bernie?

Bernie, what is it? Is everything okay?

Wanda, you better come sit down.

Honey, you're scaring me.

What happened? Are the kids okay? Is it my mother?

It's your golf game.

Baby, it's atrocious.

Only reason I'm letting you play is because you know about it already.

Honey, Matt is a hell of a golfer.

You got to bring your A-game.

If not, I'm afraid you're going to be a big liability.

But I can help.

See, the first thing we need to…

♪ Sold me out ♪

[door shuts]

I have to do something, America!

I love my wife, but I hate her game. Her game's ugly.

As ugly as a set of English teeth.

Hmm… but then again,

Matt's bringing his girl.

She ain't no better than Wanda.

They kind of cancel each other out, you know.

Like two negatives equaling a positive.

So, it's really just about me and Matt.

Oh… I could take that duffer one-handed.

Yes, sir, oh… America, it's back on.

Oh, yeah, it's on. On.

[indistinct chattering]

[Matt] Bernie.

Hey, Bernie Mac. Excuse me.

-Bernie. -[Bernie chuckles] Look at this, baby.

Hey. Hey, Wanda.

-[Wanda] Hey, Matt. -How you doing?

-What's up, Matt? -Hey, thanks for coming, man.

-Yeah, yeah. -I appreciate it.

-Hey, kids, how you doing? -Hey.

You're all right? You didn't-- Your stomach okay?

You didn't eat any shellfish or anything for breakfast?

You okay?

Man, I got you.

I've been working on my secret weapon, baby.

I hope your lady friend brought her swing.

Oh, my girlfriend couldn't come.

She had to go out of town, so I had to get a sub.

A sub? What?

Yeah, uh, Luce?

Hey, you know Lucy Lawless?

Xena: Warrior Princess?

Warrior Princess?

Bernie, hi.

Ow.

It's not fair, America.

Lucy Lawless?

The girl mythological.

He brought a warrior princess.

I brought a set of English teeth.

Advantage: Damon.

This is gonna be ugly, America.

The girl got a grip.

I'm gonna have to go get some X-rays.

That's a good-looking swing, Bern.

Oh, look at you, Matt. You know, you slick.

You'd do any doggone thing to win.

-You have the wrong idea. -No, I don't.

Here's Bernie Mac with our host, Matt Damon.

There a little rivalry going on between you guys?

No, no, not at all.

-No, no, no, no, no, no. -We're just here to…

Yeah. There ain't no rivalry.

Matt know I whup him every doggone time, every time.

[chuckles] Bernie gets a little competitive at these things…

-Oh, I… Oh, I get… -…but, you know, we're old friends.

I get a little competitive.

I'm not the one who traded my partner in for Hercules in a dress.

Where is she? Where is she?

Hey, Lucy?

Good shot, Bernie.

[laughs] Look at those arms.

The jaws of life, that's what they look like.

They'll suck the wind out you.

[quietly] Bernie, come on, this is for charity.

Charity. Charity, right?

Okay, if it's for charity, why don't you take Wanda and give me Lucy?

-I'm not going to take Wanda. -It's for charity, it's for charity.

-I flew Lucy in from New Zealand, man. -It's for charity.

-It's for charity. -All right, fine,

I'll take Wanda as my partner.

Now he want my wife. See, I knew you wanted my wife.

-You always did want my wife. -[Matt] Bernie…

[inhales] Ready to play?

Oh, this is wonderful.

Bernie Mac's chosen one of the terminal kids

to be his honorary caddy.

A big man.

A big heart.

I'm terminal?

Shut up, boy. [clears throat]

He's sick as hell.

[announcer] First up on tee number one, the host of our tournament, Matt Damon.

Matt, good luck.

Oh, thank you, sweetie.

That child's dead to me.

[applauding]

[announcer] Next up on the tee, Lucy Lawless.

[chuckling]

Yes! Yes!

Did you see that, America? Yeah, she's bad.

She might be able to swing a sword, but she can't swing a golf club, no, sir.

My baby, Wanda, she got this.

Yes!

-Wanda! -[gasps]

Do just like I told you, baby.

Keep your head down, your left arm straight.

You got it. Give me that rhythmic backswing.

Baby, I want you to hold it like a wounded bird.

-Bernie… -I ain't gonna say nothing.

I ain't gonna say nothing. Go ahead, go ahead.

Oh, remember to waggle.

-That's the boy. -Ow.

-[spectators whooping] -[Jordan] She did it!

You my baby, Wanda!

My baby bringing the heat! Hey, Matt.

Seem like I'm the one got the ringer, huh?

Come on, baby, show them how it's done.

You think I ain't? [chuckles]

-[announcer] Teeing off next, Bernie Mac. -Yeah.

It's, uh…

time to grip it and rip it.

[Jerry] Yeah!

That's my Bernie.

All right. [laughs]

I smell endorsements, baby.

You want to play like that, my man, you better bring Bagger Vance.

-Whoa. [chuckling] -[speaking indistinctly]

[applause]

Damn, America.

Wanda's playing pretty doggone good.

Look at you. I mean, right down the middle-o.

-[giggles] -You ain't seen nothin' yet, baby.

Watch this here.

[sighs]

[crowd gasping]

Booty!

-Ooh, right in the rough. -No, don't talk to him, sweetie.

It might rub off on you.

I could've made that shot.

You know, it was kind of complicated. I was shooting a fade.

Here.

[chortling]

["Bad Luck" playing]

♪ Well ♪

♪ Well ♪

[man] You the man!

[spectators groaning]

♪ Because lately ♪

♪ You've been starting to lose ♪

♪ Losing out on everything You might try to do ♪

♪ Bad luck, fellas, got a hold on you ♪

♪ Losing your money, 'Bout to lose your home ♪

That's what I'm talking about.

Closer to the hole, baby!

Thank you!

Mac is back!

♪ If you wanna know the truth about it ♪

♪ I'll tell you What's pullin' you down, yeah ♪

[laughing] Oh, my goodness!

[Wanda] Oh, my God, did you see that?

Oh, Wanda, that was incredible. I think you just found Bernie's swing.

Yeah, Bernie, maybe you could take some lessons from your wife.

[laughs]

[chortling]

Boy, you see I got an assortment of clubs over here. I'll…

-Aunt Wanda's punkin' him. -Ain't nobody punkin' nothin'.

I ain't got nothing against Wanda playing well, America.

No, I don't, but I want to play good, too.

And in all fairness, she's been playing from the ladies' tee.

I'm playing from the pro's. Mine… [whooshing]. Hers, tink!

[sighs]

[crowd gasping]

[scattered chuckling]

[chortling]

Jordan!

-[Jordan] Ah! -Whoa, Bernie.

Bernie, ease up, dog, all right? Okay?

The crowd loved it, man. The last thing you want to do

is explain child abuse at a children's charity event, right?

Bernie Mac. Huh? Give it up.

King of Comedy.

It's for the kids, baby. It's all for the kids.

Damn straight.

It's for you, Jordan!

Swear to God!

Simon says… shake your head.

Simon says… shake your hips.

-Fore! -[crowd gasping and muttering]

-[chuckling] -[crowd] Aww…

[wind howling]

-Oh, my goodness! -[cheering and applause]

Oh, my goodness! What a shot.

-Oh, my goodness, that was incredible. -Boo.

Oh, she's great.

Don't tell me all what I got to do.

You see that?

America, you see that?

Nothing going right for me today.

Even the elements are against me.

I came here to give the fans a treat,

but Wanda took my game, my essence.

I got no mojo.

[cart beeping]

I got nothing.

[beeping continues]

You gonna play or not, Tiger?

[man] Come on.

[laughter and cheering]

Oh, that was unbelievable, Wanda!

-You're terrific. -[speaks indistinctly]

-Amazing. -[chuckles]

Bernie, we…

We won.

You see that there? That makes losing completely worthwhile.

This is Pat O'Brien, Access Hollywood, at the Children's Charity Golf Tournament,

where it turns out, the big story is Bernie Mac.

Spectators say the King of Comedy's behavior

was most uncharitable.

Mac declined comment,

but his people said the weather was to blame.

America, you have no idea what my house has been like

since that doggone charity tournament.

It's like living in solitary confinement.

Bernie Mac is in a prison of his own making.

I mean, it's cold and lonely.

And you might find this a little hard to believe,

but, America, sometime I can get a little overly competitive.

Oh…

She still won't let me come to the table.

Ah, but don't you worry.

I'm going to make it up to Wanda.

And I know just how to do it.

["Lady" playing]

♪ You say you love me, lady ♪

♪ Girl, I hope you do ♪

♪ Only you can save me ♪

♪ My life equals you ♪

Oh, baby.

-[record scratches] -Oh, please.

[chuckles]

I guess she's not in the making-up mood right yet, you know?

[laughs] That's all right. Just let her sleep on it, you know.

These things always blow over by the morning. [chuckles]

Stop being like this. Let us put this thing to bed.

Wanda!

Why you acting like this? Huh?

[tires screeching]

Okay, then, I'll wait till you get home, baby.

All right, you're known with the ladies.

You're a heartthrob.

What would you suggest I do right here, Matt?

All right, well, from what I can tell, Wanda's a pretty smart lady, right?

Yeah, she is. Yeah.

So, the traditional angles aren't going to work for you.

-Uh-uh. -Right?

She also doesn't seem to be…

particularly impressed with you,

so, you know, the celebrity card, that's not going to work for you.

Oh, that just broke you in half, didn't it?

Look, I'm sorry, man. I think you're…

I think you're going to have to take the sincere approach.

[music playing on car stereo]

Baby, you ready to talk about this?

Huh?

You are not gonna like what I have to say.

You know, Bernie, you've got a real problem.

Okay. Wanda, I'm a reasonable, open-minded man.

Tell me what my problem is.

Your problem is, is that you're only about Bernie Mac.

How about a little support for me when I do well?

I don't know what you're talking about, baby. I do support you.

-Huh. -I support your life, your career.

Look at you. You're successful, you're smart.

You're a strong woman and I love that about you.

Yeah, you only love it as long as it's convenient,

as long as I stay out of your spotlight.

Don't get mad at me because I stole your thunder.

What?

Steal my thunder? [laughs]

Can't steal Bernie Mac's thunder.

Bernie, just face it.

You're not the best at everything.

I am better than you at some things.

All right, name your game.

-Are you for real? -[scoffs] You hear giggling?

Okay. Poker.

-No. -Tonight, with you and the boys.

You know you just signed your own death warrant, don't you?

This ain't no Tupperware party.

This is hard-core poker,

and I'm going to tell you something, baby.

There ain't no mercy in the lion's den.

[goofy roar]

-[Wanda laughing] -Yeah…

[indistinct chattering]

-Ah, ah, ah, ah! -You better watch 'em.

-You watch them shifty eyes. -Yeah, you cash your check, baby.

-Yeah. -All right, all right, all right.

What did I miss? What did I miss? What's going on?

Man, same thing that's been happening all night.

-Bernie and Wanda been kicking our butts. -Mm-hmm.

-Well, baby… -Mm?

-…look like it's just you and me. -Mm.

But you got to be in it… to win it.

-Oh, I'm in it. -Ah…

-[chips clattering] -I raise you 50.

-[men] Ooh! -[humming dramatically]

-You're bluffing. -You got to pay to find out.

Well, I'm gonna pay, and Daddy's about to play, 'cause you can't…

-[chips clattering] -…bluff Daddy.

You know why?

'Cause the Mac is bringing the heat.

Better yet… what you got?

Kelly's fantasy. Three ladies.

[all] Oh!

[laughs]

-What you got? What you got, Daddy? -[W.B.] Oh, what's up, Mac?

-Let's move on. -[all groaning]

-You bluffing, baby? -[men laughing]

Let's move on, now. Let's move on.

-What? -Aww…

Well, I got you faded.

-[laughter] -[Wanda] Yeah.

-No, no. Let's stand still. -[Wanda] Uh-uh.

-Three bullets. -Uh-uh.

[all] Oh!

Ooh. Ooh, just when she thought…

-[W.B.] His own wife. -Well, that… See, that's cold.

[laughs]

I bluffed you, too, didn't I, America?

[chuckles]

Yeah.

I got to go to my night job soon.

-Hey, man, what do you want from me, man? -Well, you're my ride. Easy.

Look here, I want to win some of my money back,

and I got 'em on the ropes.

-You ain't gonna… -Now, we can go.

[laughs]

-See, that's… -[Wanda] Good night.

-Let's go. -What you talking about, man?

I'll see you guys. Good night. Thank you, Wanda.

[W.B.] Hey!

[door opens]

-I guess it's, uh, down to you and me. -[door closes]

That's all it ever was.

But two people can't play poker.

["Reasons" playing]

♪ Now I'm craving your body ♪

♪ Is this real? ♪

♪ Temperature's rising ♪

♪ I don't wanna feel ♪

♪ I'm in the wrong place to be real ♪

No.

I'm mad at you.

You might be mad at me, but your body's saying something different.

No, Bernie, I'm mad at you. Why do you always have to win?

Because I'm a winner.

Well, sometimes Wanda Mac wins, too.

Well, maybe we both can win.

That sounds good.

Well, I want you to say,

"Wanda Mac kicked my butt, and I'm okay with it."

You sure pick a bad time to try to…

What… How are we both going to win if I say that?

"Wanda Mac kicked my butt…

and I'm okay with it."

Wanda Mac…

[mumbles]

"Kicked my butt."

Kicked my butt.

"And I'm okay with it."

[mumbling] And I'm not okay with it.

No, no, no. What now? What now?

And I'm okay with it.

Oh.

Well, okay now. Come here.

♪ All the reasons why ♪

♪ All our reasons were a lie ♪

♪ All our reasons were a lie ♪

See, America? That's why my marriage is so strong,

because even when we go at it, it just brings us closer together.

Now, see, I know Bernie Mac is a flawed, a foible man,

and sometimes he needs help, charity from someone

who can bring him back from the edge of ugliness.

See, that's where Wanda comes in.

See, my baby, she's charitable.

Throws me a life preserver when I get in too deep,

even if it's by pointing out that I'm a damn fool.

America, it's true what they say.

Charity really does begin at home.

[Bernie] Miss it, miss it.

Miss it!

[Matt] What is all this "Bernie versus Damon" stuff

I've been hearing about all day?

I mean, why would anybody-- Whoa, that chick's hot!

[Wanda] I've got to remember to ask Lucy where she got her top.

[Lucy] Why does Wanda keep staring at my chest?

She's got nice ones.

[all groaning]

[wind howling]