All language subtitles for The King of Queens - 02x22 - Soft Touch.DVDRip-FoV.English.C.orig.Addic7ed.com

Can I fit there?

Honey, our house could fit there.

All right, I can do
without the... guy.

Okay. Getting a little nauseous.

All right, be quiet.

I'm gonna need a bucket.

- You want me to do it?
- No, I am doing this.

Okay.

- You gotta cut the wheel. You...
- I'm cutting it.

- There.
- Okay, great job. Let's go.

I'll wait here.

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Isn't Carrie back
from the supermarket yet?

Yes, but unfortunately,

both she and her groceries
are invisible.

I'm sorry, but you make it so easy.

I'm starving.

What do you got there?

- Bologna sandwich.
- Bologna? We have bologna?

We had bologna.
Now, I'll thank you to stop hovering.

Come on, give me half.

Like you gave me half
of your Devil Dog yesterday?

Okay, that was wrong.

Well, too bad.

Oh, this is gonna be heaven.

All right,
I don't need your stinking bologna.

- Hey.
- Where you been?

I stopped at the bank
to pay the mortgage.

The bank? You know my rule.
Supermarket, home. Okay?

Save your fun stuff
for your own time.

You know me,
can't pass up a nice, long line.

What is this?
What am I looking at here?

I'm looking at pantiliners and Raid.
I need lunch.

Relax, would you?

- There's eight more bags in the car.
- Oh, all right.

- Wait, wait, wait. You can't go yet.
- Why not?

The Sackskys.
They're out in their yard,

- just lurking.
- So what?

So I don't wanna get roped into
having dinner with them.

Ever since
they crashed our barbecue,

they've been trying to invite us over
to reciprocate.

- Just give it ten minutes.
- Ten minutes?

Carrie, I'm starving here.
You know what I had for breakfast?

Actually, I had a good breakfast,
but that was a long time ago.

Doug, just wait, okay?

I've dodged them this long.
I don't need you to screw it up.

Will you relax? I won't screw it up.

I'll go out there,
throw them a "How you doing?"

and... I'm in the garage.

What are you gonna say
on your way back?

That's when I go to a
"Hey, gotta stop meeting like this."

And by the time they stop laughing,
I'm halfway through a grilled cheese.

- Fine, go.
- Okay.

- Hey, Tim, how you doing there?
- Hey, there's the guy.

- Oh, gotta stop meeting like this.
- I'm sorry, what?

We gotta stop meeting like this.

You know, because
we just saw each other a second ago.

Hey, listen, while I have you, Doug,
what say we set up a dinner, huh?

And then... And then...

- This was so funny.
- Dottie, let me.

And then he runs out.

Remember, this guy
is 4 and a half feet tall.

So now, he's soaking wet. He's
running through the train, yelling:

"Help me! Help me!"

Do you remember that?

I hate you for this.

So how was everything? Delish?

- It was great.
- Absolutely. Very tasty.

Really? Good. I was a little concerned
about the colour of the chicken.

It was fine, Dottie.

Listen, we're just sorry that it took
us so long to have you guys over.

Don't give it another thought.

It's just that Dorothy and I
have been going through

kind of a rough stretch
in our marriage lately.

- Hey, been there.
- Yeah?

But we've come out of it
better than ever.

Thanks to this one.

You're so sweet.

Are we embarrassing you guys?

- No, no, no.
- Hey, dinner and a show.

- Anyway, this has been great.
- Yes. Thank you very much.

- Yes. Thanks again.
- Yeah.

You can't go.
We haven't even had dessert yet.

Tim, go put the pie in the oven.

Doug, why don't you help me
with the dishes?

The girls can stay out here
and catch up on their:

Yeah, yeah, sure, Tim.
Alrighty, gonna help with the dishes.

So when are we going shopping?

Okay, that baby should be
all warmed up in about 20 minutes.

Hey, microwave's faster.

No. Hey, Doug,
can I ask you a question?

- Yeah, sure, sure.
- Do you enjoy a nice glass of water?

Yeah, when I can't get a beer
or any other liquid.

Try this.

All right.

Well?

It's good.

So you like it.

Yeah. You know,
we have this at our place too, Tim.

No. No, see,
that's where you're wrong, my friend.

See, your water doesn't go through
the Sparkle Tap.

Got yourself a little
water filter, huh?

I don't just got one.

I sell them.

It's the cutest little outlet store
you've ever seen,

and it's only
a two-hour drive upstate.

And they have the worst security.

Then I license ten people
to sell the Sparkle Tap,

then they each license
ten more people,

and so on, and so on.

I get a cut from the
sale of each filter

and from the sale
of each licence.

- Incredible, huh?
- It's incredible.

- Incredible.
- Yeah.

But you know, Doug,
last year when I was fired,

we came very close
to losing this house.

I mean, I owed a lot of money
to a lot of scary people.

But now, thanks to Sparkle Tap,
I've got a new job.

Walking to the mailbox
in my pyjamas

and taking out cheques from people
I don't even know.

Wow, that's great, man.

You really like the idea?

Yeah. You obviously got a great mind
for business.

Thank you.

So you wanna start with 50
or a hundred filters?

What? Oh, no, no, I didn't
mean that I wanted to. I was just...

Just what? Just
blowing smoke?

No, no, no. When I...
I didn't know...

Doug, if you don't think it's
a good idea, just say that.

- Don't humour me.
- I'm not humouring you.

See, now it all makes sense
why you guys have been avoiding us.

We're just the idiots
next door, right?

No, come on, Tim,
that's not true.

We love seeing you guys. And this
filter thing? Hell of an idea.

Okay. Sorry.

So 50 or a hundred?

I think 50.

God, that was brutal.

Capital B, capital R, "utal."

I didn't think it was that bad.

Yeah, that's because
you weren't invited

on an upstate crime spree.

I gotta say, I'm actually kind of glad
we went over there tonight.

- Why?
- I don't know,

it gave me a chance
to get to know Tim a little better.

Did you know he didn't learn to swim
till he was 23?

Really? Remind me
to send you a picture of me yawning.

I'm just saying, Carrie,
Tim's an interesting guy.

You know, he's a real go-getter.

Do you know
he runs a business out of his house?

If we hadn't gone over there tonight,
I might not have...

Might not have what?

I might not have had
the very good opportunity to...

Opportunity to what?

To give him a thousand-dollar cheque
to become a licensed distributor.

You gave him a thousand dollars?

To distribute what?

Okay, first of all, lose the attitude.
Second of all, water filters.

This is not happening.

Oh, yes, it is.

Doug, are you insane?
You're gonna sell water filters?

Yes. And the licences to sell them.
That's where the real money is.

No, the real money
is now in Tim's bank account.

Oh, my God. Now I know why
they separated us after dinner.

To pounce on the weak one.

Yeah, I get it. Yeah. You're the
genius and I'm the moron. Right?

Okay, I'll buy one.
Tell me about the rabbits.

I will love him and I will pet him
and I will take good care of him.

Because you are my friend, George.
He's my friend.

Let me tell you, I know how to spot
a good thing when I see one.

I happen to be very sawy.

- Sawy?
- Sawy. Yes, I know that word.

Okay, Mr. Sawy,

why don't you tell me how you're
gonna get rich selling water filters?

Okay, try and stay
with me this time.

It's not the filters,
it's the licences.

Okay, the licences.
You see this here?

"Official licensee."

This is all official stuff.
Take a look at it.

Yeah. Feel a little silly now,
don't you?

Get your pants on.
We're gonna get your money back.

No, my pants are off
and they're staying off.

Doug, he duped you
into a stupid marketing scheme.

Okay, it is not a scheme.

It's a multilevel marketing system,
okay? And it works.

Tim's making so much money now
he doesn't even go to work anymore.

He spends two to three days at a time
in his pyjamas.

Oh, yeah?
You know who else does that?

The old and the mentally ill.

Well, tell that club
they're about to get a new member.

Okay. Now try this one.

Well?

They taste the same.

Come on, Carrie, they can't
taste the same. This one's tap water.

It's full of...

Where the hell is that thing?

It's full of "ammonia,
latex emulsions, lead."

And look at this.
"Benzene." Benzene, Carrie.

You know, it's not too late
to get your money back.

I don't want to, okay?
I can make some real money here.

Did you realise

that people spend an average
of $600 a year on bottled water?

Well, that's 400 less than
you've spent, and it's only May.

You know what?
I can't even listen to you.

That's clearly the benzene talking.

- Morning, all.
- Morning, Dad.

Hey, Arthur. Can I interest you
in a freshly filtered glass of water?

Water, huh?

All right.
What the hell, I'll have a glass.

All right.

Here you go. One delicious
glass of water coming up.

Well, spank me hard
and call me Rhonda.

This is one fine glass of H2O.

You think so?

How about that?

So, what is this contraption

that turns a glass of water
into nature's nectar?

It's the Sparkle Tap water filter.
I'm selling them now.

Beautiful. If I had a sink,
I'd buy one for myself.

You know what?
I have a better idea.

You know people who do have sinks,
don't you?

I may or may not.
What's your angle?

I am now authorized
to sell you a licence

that allows you to sell these babies
to whoever you want.

This is me
leaning forward with interest.

All right, well, lean back
with interest or have a mint.

So come on, now, son.
What's the deal with this?

Give me the skinny.

It's simple. Okay,
I sell you the filters,

plus the licences to
sell the filters.

Then you find ten people
and sell them the licences.

- Oh, no, no, no.
- Do you mind?

We're in the middle
of an important meeting.

Yes, I do. You are not
dragging my father into this.

I'm not dragging him in.
He knows what he's doing.

He happens to be very sawy
as well.

Okay, now I'm convinced
you don't know what that word means.

Excuse me, darling,
the last time I checked,

I was over 21 and capable
of making my own decisions.

Now, this is a fine product,
Douglas is a great guy,

and I'm going in on this.

There we go.

Fine, fine, do what you want.

Okay, Douglas, what's the buy-in?

It's a thousand dollars.

Very reasonable.

Unfortunately,
I'm a little cash-strapped.

Do you accept artwork?

So you're telling me
there are actually

pesticides in our
drinking water?

Frightening, but true.

But with this baby's
nanofiltration system,

99 percent are filtered out.

Bye-bye, nasty pesticides.
Hello, tastier soups.

So in other words,
I can make money...

And do something great
for your family's health

for only a thousand bucks.

I like what I'm hearing.
Hey, I'm in. Take a cheque?

Absolutely.

Okay, so Deac's buying a licence.
I only got nine left.

Who's it gonna be? Peacock?

Hey, Eddie. What do you say, huh?
Come on, man.

Hey, let's do it. You know what?
Take your time. Think it over.

Talk to the missis.

- Sorry, man.
- That's cool, man. They'll be back.

Oh, yeah.

- Yeah. Hey, give me my cheque.
- Right. Sorry.

Not interested.

I'm not asking you to buy anything.
Just try the water.

I'm not interested.

Just try it. It's delicious.

I don't want it.

How can you not want
a glass of water? Drink it.

No, I won't.

And you can't make me.

You're gonna have to take a pill
eventually. I'll wait you out.

- All right, I'll take a filter.
- What the hell, I'll take one too.

I'm not asking you
to just buy a filter.

I'm asking you
to buy into a way of life.

I don't even want the filter.

Well, that you're committed to.
You said yes. That's an oral contract.

So, what do you want from me?

I want you to be a licensed
Sparkle Tap salesman and get rich.

You sure I'm gonna get rich?

Yes, I am.

Okay, I guess I'm in.

Don't be an idiot.
It's a pyramid scheme.

- It is?
- It is not a pyramid scheme.

And "shutee."

How is it not a pyramid scheme?

You have a product
of little or no value,

the only actual profit comes

from constantly recruiting
new members

which you inevitably run out of,
and the whole thing collapses.

Don't make me Cactus Jack
your aSS.

Hey, Doug, thanks again
for inviting me over.

Haven't heard from you
in a hell of a long time there, guy.

Yeah, we should call each other more,
you know?

Well, I called you.
I left you a bunch of messages.

Have you?

Carrie is heavy with that
delete finger, you know?

"Not for me. Not for me."

We've had some real blowouts
about that.

No problem.
The main thing is we're here now.

Absolutely, man.
This is what it's all about: family.

Hey, cousin.

Hey.

All right, we got our snacks,
got our movie, we got it all.

Oh, wait a second. Beverages.

How do you feel about water?

It's about family, huh?

Yeah, as long as that family's
buying a water filter!

- It filters out the impurities!
- I don't care!

I don't like being used!

Oh, what, are you gonna make
pizzas your whole life?

It's better than paying $1000
for a water filter.

- No, no, that was for the licences!
- Whatever!

- So how's the water business?
- Good. And getting better.

Cappiello, come on,
you've had time to think.

Hey, Voss. Voss, come on, man.
What do you say?

I bought cookies from your kid.

Come on, man. Hey, Betcher.

You gave me a "maybe."
What's up with that?

Come on, you gave me a "maybe."

Fine.
Now I know why your wife left you.

Because you don't know a good thing
when you see it.

Yeah, that's right, I said it.

Yeah, you got a problem? You bring it.
Oh, my God.

Here's the deal.

You become part
of the Sparkle Tap team,

and I will convert to your religion.

- So you didn't sell one, huh?
- Nope.

In fact,
two of my samples were stolen.

Put that on my tab.

Sure, what's the difference?

Oh, boy.

When I was a younger man, Douglas,
I could really close the deal.

They'd come in, I'd turn on the charm
and I'd make the sale every time.

- Yeah, what did you sell?
- Gasoline.

I feel like such an idiot.

I swear, I wish there was a pill
I could take, go to sleep,

wake up two days from now
like none of this ever happened.

Yeah.

- Where are you going?
- I'm gonna take that pill.

See you Thursday.

Hey.

How's business?

Well, let's see.
Your father got two filters stolen,

I crushed one in my bare hands,
and the rest are in the garage.

It's over.

Look, you took a shot
and it didn't work out.

I think the lesson here

is don't take any more shots.

Come on. On the brighter side,

we have some nice,
clean drinking water, right?

Actually, I took the filter off.
The water started coming out black.

I can't believe it.
I let Tim make such a fool of me.

You know what?
I'm going over there.

- Good, good. Go.
- Yeah.

I got news for you. You know what?

I'm not gonna
just make him give my money.

I'm gonna tell him,
those filters I lost

are coming out of
his pyjama pocket.

- Oh, baby, you're turning me on.
- Oh, I know I am, Pokιmon.

Well, then, get over there.
Get over there and hurry back.

Yeah, I'll be back in five
minutes after I set him straight.

Tim?

Tim?

And you know, this is when
your little one's bones are forming,

so you wanna make sure your water
is as pure as possible.

And I bet you have
a lot of little friends at school

that want clean water, don't you?

Don't you?

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