All language subtitles for The King of Queens - 02x13 - Party Favor.DVDRip-FoV.English.C.orig.Addic7ed.com

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- Hey, hey, hey, babe.
- Hey, hon.

Hey, listen,
don't start dinner,

I'm taking you to that
Japanese place again tonight.

Why are you obsessed
with that place?

I'm not obsessed. I just like when
a Japanese man cooks in front of you.

It's fun, it's like, you know?

Okay, as entertaining
as that was, we can't.

Come on, it'll be fun...

Whoa, shrimp in the pocket.
Banzai!

We can't. Your cousin Danny called,
he's on his way over.

What? Why?

I don't know, he said he wanted
to talk to us about something.

Oh, God, he is so annoying.

Why did you let him know
we were home?

Well, once I picked
up and said hello,

the cat was pretty
much out of the bag.

Come on, what's the big deal?

Let him come over,
he said he had some good news.

He doesn't have good news, that's
his angle to get his foot in the door.

Next thing,
we're talking about old times,

we're playing cards, and
he's clamped on me like a deer tick.

Give him a break, he's your cousin.

What kind of big news
could this be?

I'll bet you he's going
to tell us he's gay.

All right, he doesn't date much,
but he is not gay.

Please, he wore leather pants
to a Jet game.

Will you stop it? He's not gay.

He just called
and said he had some good news.

Excuse me? If you're gay,
then being gay is good news, huh?

Danny, you're getting married.
Good for you.

Off the market.
Out of commission.

Yeah, I was just at work one day,
taking a Sicilian pie out of the oven,

when I hear
the most beautiful voice say:

"Can I have an end piece?"

Truth is, I went in to use the phone.

But he looked so cute,
all covered in flour.

You should see him
covered in pudding.

So when's the big day?

Oh, a week from Sunday.

Wow, that's quick.

We'd really love it
if you guys could make it.

I can't. Sunday?

I gotta... I gotta run another 10K.

- He's kidding, right?
- Yeah, honey, he's kidding.

He always does this.

Classic Doug story, okay,
one day when we were kids,

Doug decided to remove the wing nuts
from the front wheel of my bicycle.

Long story short, these are caps,
all caps.

I was fixing it.
Tried to soup it up for you.

Yeah, right, soup it up, I pedal
twice, the handle bars go like this:

I hit the mailbox.
Next thing you know,

I'm picking up my Chiclets
off the driveway.

- Yeah.
- Oh, we laughed.

Yeah, it was fun. Good times.

Yeah, good times.

So I'm gonna go see
if the coffee's ready.

- Let me help you, Carrie.
- No, sit, sit.

No, come on, I wanna help.

So she seems
really very nice, Danny.

Yeah, I gotta tell you,
I was starting to wonder

if it was ever gonna happen for me,
you know?

All these years,
I would see what a great thing

you and Doug have, and I'd think,
"Man, if I could have half of that,

I'd be the happiest pizza-making
son of a gun this side of Dix Hills."

You're gonna make me cry.

And that was the last time
I ever threw up from drinking.

I mean, is there anything worse
than the dry heaves? Anything?

Nothing comes to mind.

I mean, I literally
broke blood vessels in my eyes, as in:

- Good evening, Douglas.
- Hey.

And who is this sweet young thing?

This is Eva, Danny's fiancιe.

Danny who?

My cousin Danny?

I thought you said
he was a fruitcake.

So where are you having
this little shindig, anyway?

At this nice little place
out in Manhasset.

Eva's maid of honour
is a waitress there,

so she got us a great deal.

Oh, that's great.
And who's your best man?

Oh, I'm not gonna...
I don't have one.

- You don't have a best man?
- No, it's just, you know...

I wouldn't even know who to ask.
Can I help you with the coffee?

Yeah, thanks.

Listen, Dan,
I know it's not any of my business,

but why don't you ask Doug?

He wouldn't do it,
and that's fine, you know.

I made peace a long time ago
with the way things are between us.

- And how's that?
- Carrie,

I'm not exactly on the speed dial.

Those are mostly restaurants,
you know?

Danny, Doug likes you
a lot more than you think.

Please. He wouldn't want to do it.

I think you're wrong.
I think you're wrong.

You know what,
I'm just gonna stick

with the whole no-best-man thing,
and that's it.

Hey, no big deal,
I can carry my own ring, right?

That's what pockets are for.

Hey, Danny,
you better get out there,

Arthur's putting the moves
on your fiancιe.

He's doing his old-fashioned
muscle man poses.

- Thanks for the heads up.
- Yeah.

Okay, we got the coffee,
we got the cake.

We should have them
out of here in 20 minutes.

Fifteen if I set the eating pace.

Bye-bye.

- Doug?
- Yeah?

You know, I was just talking
to Danny about the wedding and stuff.

- You wanna hear something sad?
- Yeah, what do you got?

He doesn't have a best man.

That's sad.
You don't think that's sad?

I guess it is, but
it's not my problem.

It's not my problem, is it?

- Well...
- Did you bring my name up?

Only to say that you
would love to be his best man.

I can't believe you.

Why did you do that?
You know what? This area can close.

Doug, if you could've
just seen his face.

I mean, he was so sweet
and he doesn't have anybody

and he likes you so much.

Yeah, he likes me too much, okay?

It's like Single White Dougie.

God, why couldn't
he have just been gay?

All right, look, Doug, relax, okay?

Because he's not gonna ask you,
he's afraid you would say no.

Well, good.

Doesn't mean you can't ask him.

Okay, first of all,

you don't ask someone
to be a best man, you get asked.

And since no one's asking,
once again this area:

You know, I'd be lying to you

if I didn't tell you
I'm a little disappointed in you.

Oh, please, that's not gonna work.
"I'm a little disappointed in you."

Big deal, I'm full of letdowns.

Okay, would you do me a favour
and take this out?

I don't wanna do it.

- Fine.
- Yeah.

Carrie, I do a lot of nice things
for a lot of people.

I just don't feel like doing this,
you know.

Okay.

Oh, God, now I got
to write a toast and rent a tux...

But you look good in a tux.

I look like a limo driver.

But a handsome one.

Why do you do
these things to me?

And don't worry, honey,
I'll help you with the bachelor party.

I've never made
a best-man toast before,

so I need a little feedback,
just to, you know,

see if I'm headed
in the right direction, okay?

Let her rip.

"What can I say about
my cousin Danny...?"

Okay, I gotta stop this.

This is unbearable.

Arthur, I only read, like, six words.

You're reading, that's the point.

A speech needs to seep
from your soul.

All right, look, just
listen to the whole thing,

then tell me if it's
good or not, okay?

- Fine.
- Okay.

"What can I say
about my cousin Danny?

He makes great pizza and
he's gonna make a great husband.

But I'm sure all Eva cares about
is that he makes a lot of dough."

All right.

"Danny and I have known each other
since we were kids

and I always knew
he'd find somebody special.

And Eva, well, you're just
gonna have to settle for Danny.

Just kidding.
Danny, Eva, I wish you all the best."

- So?
- It stunk, all right?

There, I said it.

- What should I say?
- You have to grab them.

Get them on your side.

How do I grab them?

Open up by hinting
that you slept with the bride.

Pull a pair of panties
out of your pocket

and give her a little
wink, it kills.

- Sweetheart,
- Hey, guys.

Doug and I
need a pair of your panties.

Dad, I just can't give you
a bigger no.

Don't worry, Douglas,
it also works with a girdle.

I'm sure it does. I'm gonna work
on my own speech, thanks.

What the hell
did you get me into here?

I've been working
on this stupid toast for eight hours.

Eight hours?
You got one index card there.

I took some breaks.

So I stopped at Cooper's, everything's
set for the bachelor party.

All the beer, wine and sangria
you guys can drink from 11 to 2 a.m.

All right, good. What's the damage?

With the food and everything,
about 600 bucks.

Okay, that's not that bad.

I got Gianni at the pizza place
to give me Danny's address book

so I invited, like, 25 of his friends.

So 600 divided 25 ways is...

Hey, what you got in the bag?

You are gonna love this.
Okay, ready?

- A ball and chain.
- It's funny, right?

You put it on Danny, like, "Hey,
no more freedom for you, buddy boy."

That's good guy stuff,
right there, right?

- Did you keep the receipt?
- Stop it.

Look, honey,
I'm really proud of you, you know.

You're doing something
for your cousin,

something you don't have to do.

Something sweet
and kind and beautiful.

Thanks.

Now let's pick out a stripper.

Take a little look-see here.

What do you got there?
Magazine with strippers in it?

Yup. Now, what do you like?

What floats your boat?

It's not about what floats my boat,
you know,

because you are my boat-floater,
you know.

It's really about
what Danny wants and how he...

- Yeah, could you just pick one?
- Okay, Tiffany Towers, please.

Her?

Doug, she looks
like she kissed the F train.

Pick somebody else.

All right, then, how about her?

Her? What do you like about her?

I don't know.
She looks kind of nasty and mean.

You know, like she's the head
of some all-girl biker gang

that picks me up
after our car breaks down

and makes me service her
and all her gang sisters.

Well, we are not hiring her, okay?

Come on, make a serious pick here.

All right. Any of these three.

These three here?

- Yeah, what?
- Do you have any standards at all?

- Yeah.
- Really?

Well, can you point to one woman here
that you would not have sex with?

- Doug?
- Yeah?

It's a foreign transmission.

You might wanna go
a little easy on the clutch.

Settle down,
I drive for a living, okay?

- Well, I just had it tuned up...
- Would you stop peeking?

No peeking, all right?

Loosen up.
Let your hair down, Agnes.

I'm loose. I'm ready, I'm ready.

Doug, let me ask you a question.

- What?
- Did Carrie put you up to this?

What? No.

Yes.

She mentioned you didn't have
a best man and I was like, what up?

Really?
I mean, you wanna be here?

Believe me, I wanna be here.
Question is, do you wanna be here?

Because tonight's all about
having fun. So you in?

- I guess, yeah.
- You guess?

This is your bachelor party.
Get crazy.

There it is.

All right. You're spitting.

Okay. Forgot name tags,

so why don't we go around the room,
and introduce everybody.

How you know them
and we'll kick it off with that.

Okay, yeah.
Well, this is Gianni, he works for me.

Hey, how you doing?

Is this it?
Because this is gonna blow.

No. No. Doug said
there's a lot more guys coming.

A lot of guys.
We're gonna have a full house.

Full boat, full boat.

So anyway, this is Joe Rubino,
my father-in-law-to-be.

Hello.

And over here, this is Klaus, he
owns the deli next to my pizza shop.

Hello. How is you?

And last but not least, this is
Arthur, Doug's father-in-law.

Gentlemen.

Douglas,
do you have some festivities planned

other than this meet-and-greet?

Yeah, yeah, I got a lot of stuff.

Oh, God, I almost forgot. Stogies.

All right, I bought extras,
so smoke them up, okay, boys?

- All right. Okay.
- You know what?

Do you mind
if we don't light them?

- It's just my asthma I got.
- Yeah.

Okay, all right.

No problem, that doesn't stop us
from chomping on them, huh?

Yeah.
That's a smooth chomp, yeah.

- Hey, how about some music?
- Stereo's broken.

Okay, thank you.

Douglas, I'm starting to agree
with the Italian fellow.

This is gonna blow.

So Camaro, huh?

So how long have you been
removing your clothes for money?

Since my sophomore year
in high school.

Great, that's great.

And, bodyguard guy,
what was your name again?

- Emil?
- Yeah.

- I like your tattoos.
- Oh, thank you.

Yeah.

Hey, who likes Lionel Richie?

Yeah, Andy, it's Doug Heffernan.

I left you two messages
about Danny's bachelor party.

If you're there, pick up, okay, buddy?
Pick up, pick up, you there?

Pick it up. Pick it up.

What, are you screening, guy?
Pick it up, pick it up.

Yeah, Joe, chug it down,
you warrior.

So, Daniel, how is your pizza shop?

Oh, it's fine, fine, yeah.

Daniel, are you happy
with your bread guy?

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Would you give me his number?

Can it wait until Monday?

Of course. But by Monday.

Look, you're invited to a party,
you show up, you dip wad.

Kick the crap out of me?
I'll kick more crap out of you.

Yeah.

Party!

This blows, where's the broad?

Don't you worry, she'll be here.
Start stretching out.

Doug, if no one else is showing up,
can I take the ball and chain off?

- No, no, no. Not yet, okay?
- Hey, have you seen that bride, Eva?

She's a tasty slice of cheesecake,
am I right?

Eva is my daughter.

Then you know what
I'm talking about, huh?

A car. Okay, stripper's here.
Stripper's here.

All right, boys,
get your singles ready.

- Here we go.
- Oh, yeah, now we're talking.

Okay, that would be my wife.
Come here.

- Please tell me you got a stripper.
- Relax, I got her.

What the hell is this?

Why is there a maid here?

I think she's the stripper.

Carrie, what are you doing to me?
This is brutal.

It was the best I can do
on such short notice.

I'm killing myself getting this
going and you show up with...

"Hopalong Assidy"?

Doug, she is still
a very attractive girl, okay?

Just tell the guys
not to look in that area.

Where are all the guys?

They're not showing because
Danny's such a freaking loser... Hey!

Someone's a dirty boy.
He needs a little dusting.

Excuse me.

Damn it. I am into this.

Joe, look alive.

Stripper, man.
You're missing it.

I can't blame him, Douglas.
This is pure torture.

Torture?
What bachelor party are you at?

- Right?
- Yeah, it's riveting.

I'm out of here.

Oh, Gianni, come on, man.
I bought a sheet cake.

You guys didn't hear that,
that's later on.

All right, you know what?
That's it.

That's it. All right?

- What are you doing?
- I'm going home.

All the facts are in.

Loser!

All right. I'll see
you at the wedding.

"Oh, I'm so proud of you, Doug.

You're doing something nice
for your cousin.

Something kind
and sweet and beautiful."

Okay, so it wasn't my best idea.

That was the worst bachelor party
I have ever seen.

Make a right
after the Dunkin' Donuts.

Some of you may not know
Eva very well,

but I've had the opportunity
to get close to her.

Real close,
if you know what I mean.

Eva, I believe these are yours?

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