All language subtitles for The Honeymooners - S04E19 - Ralph Kramden, Inc

ANNOUNCER:
With the stars...

and...

(birds chirping)

As I live and breathe,
a Yellow-bellied sapsucker.

- RALPH: Hiya, Norton. -Hey
there. What do you say, Ralph?

Just a minute.
I'll be right with you.

I've got to make an entry
in my bird-watching book here.

I just seen
a Yellow-bellied sapsucker.

"Bird seen:

"Yellow-bellied sapsucker.

"Place where seen:

Central Park."

You know, there's one thing
that bothers me.

They're not supposed to be
within, uh, 3,000 miles of here.

Well, how do you know
it's a Yellow-bellied sapsucker?

Don't forget,
last week you saw a robin

with a wishbone in its mouth--

you said it was a chicken hawk.

Nevertheless, I'm sure this is
a Yellow-bellied sapsucker.

Why are you sure
it's a Yellow-bellied sapsucker?

What else could it be?

It's got a yellow belly
and it was sucking sap.

I don't know why a man
of your age watches birds.

Why shouldn't I watch them?
They watch me, don't they?

(chuckles)

The only bird that watches you,
Norton, is a woodpecker.

(chuckles)

Hey, look, Ralph,
the runt of the litter.

-(laughs)
-Look, Norton,

I asked to have lunch
with you in the park

because I got something
very important

- I want to talk to you about.
-What?

- I want you to do me a favour.
-What do you want?

I don't know, but somehow
or another I made a mistake

in the bus today,
and I made the wrong change.

I must've given somebody
a $20 bill for a dollar bill.

Now, I got to turn in
my receipts to the cashier

at 5:00 tonight.

Will you lend me the money?

Look Ralph, it-it's not that
I'm against lending you money,

and you can do anything
you want with it.

It-It's just
what you don't do with it.

What don't I do with it?

You don't pay me back.

Look, Norton,
don't lend me the money.

All I want you to do
is invest $20 in me.

What do you mean invest?

I'll tell you what I mean.

Norton, let's face it,
I'm a man with big ideas,

and sooner or later,

one of those ideas
are gonna catch on.

And when they do,
I'm gonna be a big shot.

And do you know what happens
to people who become big shots?

Yeah, they forget
their relatives.

No, Norton, they incorporate.

They incorporate.

I'm going to become
a corporation.

Do you know
what a corporation is?

Yeah, I know
what a corporation is.

When a person
or a group of persons

duly authorized to sell
and distribute shares

become avowed
with the intention of...

the stockholders grouping
about together with those shares

with the intention
of selling the shares,

comes to an evil interest there.

How did you know that?

Ever hear of Merrill Lynch,
Fierce, Pierce & Beane?

Yes.

They got an office right outside

a downtown sewer I work in.

Well, I'm glad you know
what a corporation is, Norton,

because then you'll understand
what a great opportunity

I'm offering you when I tell you

that I will send you
a percentage.

For $20, a 20% percentage

of the Ralph Kramden
Corporation.

How do you like that?
Trixie forgot the ketchup.

Of course, I can't give you
too much stock.

I can only sell you
a few shares, but...

well, I still think
you'll make a profit on it.

Well?

Well, isn't it appealing to you?

No, it don't.

I don't like liverwurst
without ketchup.

Will you stop
with the liverwurst?

I'm talking high finance!

Look, for $20 you get 20%
of all the money I make

over and above my salary.

Listen to me, will you, Ralph?

My mother didn't raise
no stupid children, you know.

I work hard for the money
I earn there down in that sewer.

It's no easy job, you know.

Some days I get it
right up to here!

If I'm gonna invest my money
in any-any proposition,

believe you me, it's got to...
it's got to make sense.

It's got to have a sound,
logical business foundation.

Only then
will I "make the plunge,"

as we say in the trade.

Norton, I'm very happy
to hear you speak like that.

You sound
like an intelligent man,

and that's exactly the type man

that I want in my corporation
to be vice president.

And if you give me the $20

and get 20% of my corporation,

I am making you
the vice president.

Hmm. Me a veep?
(chuckles)

Now you're talking sense.

Wait a minute, pal.

Here. Here's the 20 bucks.

Thank you.
And I certainly am lucky

to get a man like you
for vice president.

Yeah. I say that this calls
for a toast.

There you are.

Thank you.

To the corporation.

Ralph Kramden, the president,

Edward L. Norton, vice president

and chairman of the board.

Wait a minute, hold it.

Hold it. Don't move.

By Jove, it isn't another
Yellow-bellied sapsucker!

Boy, oh, boy.

Two Yellow-bellied sapsuckers
in the same day.

Boy, I ought to phone
the Society about this.

What makes you believe anyone
is going to believe you

when you tell them you saw

two Yellow-bellied sapsuckers
in a park

where they're not supposed
to be within 300,000 miles of?

Wait a minute, Ralph,
you got a point there.

But I know how I can fix it.

"Birds seen:
Two Yellow-bellied sapsuckers.

"Place where seen:

Albuquerque, New Mexico."

(laughing)

I'm certainly lucky
to get a man like you

-to be my vice president,
Norton. -(chuckles)

- Yellow-bellied sapsucker.
-Ah.

Oh! ow.

What's the matter?

Ow, I burned my fingers
on that darn stove.

Oh, I'm sorry, sweetheart.

Boy, you're always
burning something there.

If it ain't your finger,
it's my food.

It's no joke, Ralph.

I'm only kidding, sweetie.

- There. Does it feel better now?
-No, it doesn't.

I'm telling you something,
Ralph.

That stove is a booby trap.
One of these days,

it's gonna blow both of us
to smithereens.

If you are hinting
that I should buy a new stove,

you'll have to get
a better idea than that.

Now, look, get to work
on the old stove

and cook my new supper.

You can cook
your own new supper.

Don't think your attitude
scares me, Alice.

I'll get my own supper.

I'm pretty good at it.

(door opens)

(door shuts)

Hey, there, Ralph.

What are you doing?

Oh, uh, I'm getting
my own supper.

Uh, Alice isn't feeling too good
so I'm doing her a favour.

Oh.

Well, uh...
(clears throat)

Ralph, I wanted to have
a little talk with you

about the corporation.

I've been vice president
for about a week now

and, uh, you ain't showing
no profit.

I had a stockholders meeting
with myself and, uh...

I've come to the conclusion

that I'm getting
a little impatient.

Haven't you got
any business ethics?

How can you interrupt

the president of a corporation
while he's eating?

All right,
I'll wait till you're through.

Ralph, uh,
could I have a banana?

Go ahead.

Ain't got no bananas.

Could I have an apple?

Go ahead.

Ain't got no apples, either.

Could I have an orange?

Go ahead!

Haven't got any oranges, either.

You want
a peanut butter sandwich?

I don't like peanut butter.

I like apples...

or bananas...

. . .OF oranges.

Hey, uh, what kind
of peanut butter is that?

Is that the crunchy kind?

Yes, it's the crunchy kind,
and I can prove it to you.

When this jar hits your head,
you'll hear a crunch!

Don't get excited, will you?

Remember, you're talking
to the vice president

of Ralph Kramden, Incorporated.

All I'd like to do
is eat in peace.

Go ahead, who's stopping you?

Fine thing for a president
of a corporation to be eating--

peanut butter sandwich.

You ought to be eating
something that'll stick

to those fat little ribs
of yours.

Would you mind leaving
this apartment

and going back upstairs?

All right, all right.

I'm going,
but I-l got this to tell you.

I'm gonna leave your corporation
in a state of bankruptcy.

I'm withdrawing my $20.
You told me

that every time you'd turn
around, I'd make money.

Well, so far you ain't
been exactly no pinwheel.

I thought the whole thing over,
you know.

You got a corporation--
I got 20% of it.

I got 20% of nothing.

How can you get rich
on 20% of nothing?

Is that what you're beefin'
about, 20%?

All right, you got 30%.

It's 35% or nothing.

- It's a deal.
-It's a deal. (laughs)

Ralph, I-l hope
I didn't offend you, Ralph,

but, uh, you know the way
I drive a hard bargain.

- I got to watch out for
my interests. -I got to admit,

-you put it over on me
that time, Norton. -(chuckles)

(knocking on door)

Come in.

- Mr. Ralph Kramden?
-Yeah.

My name is Frederick Carson.

- I'm an attorney.
-An attorney?

My firm is handling the estate
of the late Mary Monahan.

I suppose you'll remember her--
she used to ride on your bus.

Mary Monahan.

That's the old lady
I used to help on and off.

She used to get on the bus
for years.

I didn't see her lately.

I was wondering
what happened to her.

Gee, that's a shame.

Well, she didn't forget
your kindnesses.

She remembered you in her will.

Now, the will is going
to be read tomorrow,

Friday morning,
at 10:00 at her apartment.

Will you be there?

Sure, I'll be there
if you want me to.

How come a poor lady like that's
making out a will?

Well, she wasn't exactly poor.

- She wasn't?
-No.

Her estate was valued
at roughly $40 million.

See you Friday.

How about that?

$40 million!

Alice! Alice!

$40 million!

I'm inheriting $40 million!

(groaning)

Ed, what happened?

What do you mean what happened?
He fainted, can't you see?

Fine thing.

Guy inherits $40 million
and he faints.

(gasps)

What am I saying?

35% of that belongs to me.

(groans)

Ralph, your breakfast's ready.

RALPH: I haven't... I haven't
got time to eat breakfast!

Well, why not? It's only 8:30.

The lawyer said they wouldn't
read the will until 10:00.

Alice, why must you hide things
where I can't find them?

Where's the shoe polish?

In the top left-hand drawer.

It's not in the top hand..
left-hand drawer!

It must be there.

It must be, huh? It must be.

It must be, but it's not!

Don't always say
"it must be," Alice.

What you mean is "maybe,"
not "must be." Maybe!

This must be it... maybe.

You and your snide remarks.

Ralph, will you calm down
a little bit?

If you don't take it easy,
you know,

you'll be a nervous wreck
by the time that will is read.

I am not nervous, Alice.
I am not nervous.

I may be a little excited
inheriting $40 million,

but I am not nervous.

No.

No, you're not nervous, Ralph.

You're not nervous at all.

You just read an Esquire

where the well-dressed man
always polishes his socks.

I want to tell you something.

Ralph, I know
you're a little bit excited,

but after all, the will
hasn't been read yet.

We don't know how much
she's leaving you.

What do you mean we don't know?

You keep talking
about millions, Ralph.

It may just be hundreds.

What are you talking
about, hundreds?

She's leaving $40 million,
isn't she?

It said in the papers
this morning

she's only got
one other relative.

One living relative! A nephew.

And she doesn't like him.

The paper said
she had no use for him.

Ralph, that's her own
living relative.

Her own flesh and blood.
He might contest the will.

Contest it? Contest it?

Har, har, hardy, har, har.

What do you mean contest it?

Did he ever help her off
a bus and help her on one?

You may not realize this, Alice,

but, in a few hours,
I'm going to be a very rich man.

Ralph, all I'm saying is

don't count your chickens
before they're hatched.

And remember, Norton gets 35%
of those chickens.

Don't worry,
I can take care of him.

What do you mean?

Ralph, you wouldn't cheat Norton
out of his share?

Of course not.
I'm not gonna cheat him.

I'm just going to try to do
what's best for everybody.

You know how people act
when they get a lot of money.

They go nuts.

You know how Norton is--
he's the nervous type.

He'd really go nuts if he got
his hands on anything.

First thing you know,
he'd quit his job in the sewer.

Next thing he'd do
is buy clothes,

buy automobiles, yachts.

Start taking a tour
around the world.

Drinking champagne,
eating caviar.

First thing you know,
he wouldn't come home.

Poor Trixie pleading with him,
"Please, come home, Norton."

Him laughing at her.

That'd be a nice thing,
wouldn't it?

After all she's done for him,

pleading for him to come home
and him laughing at her!

Well, if you think
that I'm going to do that

to such a nice girl
like Trixie, you're crazy!

(Alice moans)

- Hi, there, Alice.
-Oh, hi, Ed.

You want some coffee?

No, I, uh,
already had breakfast.

- How about a second breakfast?
-I already had that, too.

It'd be kind of ridiculous
to have three breakfasts,

-wouldn't it?
-Yeah.

I'll tell you
what I will do though.

I'll, uh, start
on my first lunch.

- Thank you.
-There you go.

- RALPH: Hey, Alice...
Oh, Norton, -Yeah. -What?

I'm glad you're here.
I want to talk to you.

Hey, listen, listen,
it's getting late.

We'll talk on the way down
to the Monahan mansion.

We'll talk on the way.

You don't think for one minute
that you're going

to the reading of the will
with me, do you?

Well, of course I'm going,
Ralph. You'll need me.

You don't think
of the small details,

the little things.

For instance...

Did you happen
to think of that?

And what is that for?

The small details, Ralph.

You can't come away
from that place

with $40 million in your pocket.

You've got to have something
to carry it in.

There you are, there's
the vice president talking.

Well, are you sure that
the bag will hold $40 million?

A bag like that?

Yeah, this'll do the trick.

Is that so?
Why don't you make sure?

Why don't you run upstairs
and cut some paper money

into the shape of dollar bills

and see if they'll all fit
in there.

The small details.

- Ed.
-What?

Is Trixie upstairs?

Yeah, she's upstairs.
She's waiting till I get back.

We are gonna make a trip that
I have always wanted to make.

A trip?

Yeah, now that we're
getting into the millions,

uh, I'm gonna do something
that I always wanted to do:

going on a second honeymoon
to Niagara Falls,

only this time,
we ain't hitchhiking.

I'll just run up and see Trix.

All right.

Come on, Ralph.
Will you snap it up?

I'm anxious to collect
that 35% of the $40 million.

What do you mean collect it?
What do you mean collect it?

You can't take that money out
of the corporation.

It's got to stay in there.

That's what a corporation
is for:

to put money in and let it grow.

Ralph, this has grown enough.

35% of the $40 million
belongs to the stockholders.

This is only the start.

Look, as president
of this corporation,

already, from just $20
you gave me,

I'm already making you millions!

Look, you got to leave it there.

You got to leave it
in the corporation.

Then I invest it,
then I reinvest it

and then re-re-reinvest it.

Before I finish with you, pal,

I'll have you out of that sewer.

$40 million--

35% of it belongs
to the stockholders.

Will you stop saying
$40 million?

It's not $40 million, you know.

When you inherit $40 million,

do you know how much
you have left?

Let me give you an example.

35% belongs to the stockholders.

Will you stop saying that?
Now, look,

this piece of paper
represents $40 million.

All right,
I inherit $40 million.

Right away comes
federal income tax.

Then comes the state tax.

Then comes the city tax.

Then a few miscellaneous taxes.

Then you have to pay
for the lawyers.

And that is what is left
of $40 million.

35% belongs
to the stockholders.

Come on. Come on.

Come, Fortune.

Eat your breakfast.

Come now, Fortune.

You've got to eat, you know?

Is everything ready in here?

Mr. Carson is going
to read the will.

Everything's ready
as it will ever be.

- But I'm worried about Fortune,
Bascomb. -Oh...

He isn't eating.

- Oh, poor little dear.
-Oh. Poor...

- He misses Mrs. Monahan.
-Yes.

Come, Fortune,
eat your breakfast.

(doorbell ringing)

- Ah, there's the doorbell.
- Come. ..

It must be that Mr. Kramden
that they were expecting.

Mr. Carson and the others
have been waiting.

I'll tell them you're here.

- Thank you very much.
-(Bascomb speaks indistinctly)

How do you do?

Hey. Hey, hey, look.

Today I seen a parrot.

Oh, will you stop that?

Now, look it, Norton,
I'm telling you now

and I'm telling you
for the last time--

don't embarrass me here.

Can't I even look around?

All right,
but don't touch anything.

(groans)
What a grouch.

Boy, how about this place?

- This is real class, huh?
-Oh, beautiful.

Bet you they spent at least $100

on the furniture
in this room alone.

Sure.

- Hey, hey, Ralph. Look.
-What?

I bet this guy
had a rotten barber.

(laughing)

(mutters)

- Oh, there you are, Kramden.
-Oh, how do you do, Mr. Carson?

I'm sorry I'm late, but I was
taking care of my corporation.

-(chuckles) -We were about
to start without you,

-but there are some things
that just can't wait. -Oh.

(laughs)
Like we say in the sewer,

"Time and tide wait for no man."

(clears throat)

Uh, this is my, uh,
business associate, Mr. Norton.

Mr. Carson.

- Yeah. -How do you do?
This is Mr. Bradley,

Mrs. Monahan's nephew.

Oh, uh...
(chuckles)

- So you're the bus driver.
-Yeah.

I'm very glad to meet you.

- No hard feelings, of course.
-(chuckles)

You know how fickle fate can be.
(laughs)

Better luck next time.

(both laughing)

Well, I-if we'll
all be seated now,

-we-we'll get on with it.
-Why, certainly.

This shouldn't take very long--
this will is quite short

and there's no question
as to its legality,

so I shall skip
the technicalities

and get right down
to the bequests.

(clears throat)

"To Herbert Bascomb...

"my butler,

"for his many years
of faithful service,

I leave the sum
of $50,000."

(gasps)

Sorry, a little habit
I picked up

watching the quiz shows.

"To my maid, Mary O'Donnell...

I leave the sum of $25,000."

(gasps)

(Crying loudly)

Some people are never satisfied.

“To my nephew,
Robert Hilliard Bradley,

"who by his gambling
and philandering

"has shown himself to be

"utterly incapable
of handling money,

-"I leave the sum of one dollar,
-(Ralph chuckles)

"which will undoubtedly
be promptly deposited

with his bookmaker."

I, uh, hope you pick
a winner with it.

(laughing)

Please, please, may I continue?

- Certainly.
-(clears throat)

"To Ralph Kramden,
my favourite bus driver...

(chuckles)

...l leave... my fortune."

- I'm rich!
-I'm rich!

I'm rich, Norton! I'm rich!

- A millionaire.
-Mr. Kramden... Mr. Kramden,

Mr. Norton,
please control yourselves.

I'm rich. I'm sorry, I...

It came so sudden. I wasn't
expecting it. (chuckles)

"Ralph Kramden
has shown himself to be

"kind, sober, courteous
and conscientious.

"And to such a man

"and only such a man

would I entrust my fortune."

- I'm rich! I'm rich!
-We're rich! We're rich!

Please, please!

I'm not finished,
I'm not finished.

Now, let's see,
where was I? Oh, yes.

"To such a man
and only such a man

"would I entrust my fortune.

"L therefore direct

"that immediately upon
the reading of this will,

Ralph Kramden take possession
of my fortune."

- Get the bag.
-Bascomb.

Mr. Kramden, this is Fortune,

and according to the will,
you take immediate possession.

(stammering)

(stammering)

(humming, stammering)

(groaning)

- Uh, excuse me, Mr. Carson.
Uh... -Yes?

Am I to understand
that this is the fortune?

Yes.

(gasping)

(stammering)