Original subtitles

- I don't know what the fuck happened, okay?

Things just got fucked up, alright

and no one will fucking call me, and I'm a big joke

and the critics.

- Pauly, you don't know what you're talking about.

You're great, the people love you.

You have a following.

"Bio-Dome" was a great movie.

- Did you see "Jury Duty?"

- No.

- Neither did anyone else.

- Did you see "Hot Shots?"

- God, I love that movie.

- Yeah, it was pretty good, wasn't it?

My point is, Pauly, is that we've all had our flops.

Some more than others.

But it'll turn around.

- Well how'd you do it?

- Talent.

Good genes.

I didn't come up with some weird animal noise.

- That's not the point, okay!

It's--

- Look, I gotta get back to the set.

- Is there a part in there for me?

Charlie, is there a part in your movie for me?

- Look, I'll talk to the director.

I'll see what I can do.

I'll tell him you're available.

I'll tell him you're available.

- Not for long.

- Oh, okay.

Pablo.

Pablo?

- Topping the news this evening,

actor, comedian Pauly Shore was found dead

in a loft in his mother's west Hollywood Hills home.

Pauly, best known as The Weasel, started his career on MTV.

Went on to start in such movies as "Encino Man,"

"Jury Duty," and "Son in Law."

Autopsy reports will be ready in just a few days.

Many say he was a genius who died before his time.

- Genius?

Genius of what?

- We go to the streets now to get the public's reaction.

- You know, he tried to sleep with me once,

and tape it.

- Me too.

- Did you do it?

- Pauly Shore, dead at the age of 29.

- The kid wasn't fucking wired right.

Any fucking jackass could've seen that.

- The Hollywood community is mourning

the death of beloved genius, Pauly Shore.

An erect penis!

That's what would appear to be underneath the sheet.

A strange turn of events here--

- I guess it's true what they say when you die.

You're a lot more loved.

That's probably why I did it.

I was so sick of people coming up to me every day

and asking me what my next movie was.

How was I supposed to explain to my fans

that my shit was tired, and that I pigeonholed myself

as The Weasel.

They don't understand how Hollywood works.

Lenny Bruce, John Belushi, and Sam Kinison

all went down as comedic geniuses who died

before their time.

And now me, Pauly Shore.

Look, before the media blows it out of proportion,

before Access Hollywood and Jerry Springer

get a hold of it, let me tell you the truth

about how I got here.

I was born and raised in Hollywood, California.

My dad's a comedian, and my mom owns a comedy club.

And my mom didn't own just any comedy club,

she owned the world famous Comedy Store on the Sunset Strip.

The Comedy Store was like the Emerald City for comedians.

Everyone started out there.

Everyone.

And I remember one time my mom even had Sam Kinison

babysit for me.

yeah, thanks mom.

I guess Charles Manson was out of your price range.

And the best part about my mom, though?

She's been partying her whole life,

which was great for me, 'cause I was the first

baby born with the munchies.

Dude, you forgot to flush, man.

Be cool. - I did.

I'm flushing now, man.

- Nah, my name's not The Weasel.

My name's Paul Montgomery Shore, PMS.

I was just like most kids.

I was in Little League, I had braces.

I even modeled.

I went to Beverly Hills High School,

and I wasn't on the football team.

I was in the Dance Company.

And after I graduated, I took my acting very seriously.

And then it finally happened.

One night in the spring of '89.

My manager got me an audition for MTV at mom's club.

And finally, I became The Weasel.

Ooh!

Cool, buddy .

My MTV show lead to movies, HBO specials,

strippers, and porno stars.

Whoa!

Yeah, I was living the American Dream.

And then one day, my so called glamorous life

came to a screeching halt.

I got the most devastating news ever.

No, not genitals warts.

Worse.

I got a sitcom on Fox.

After that, everything else got kind of blurry.

- Pauly, where'd you get all that cash?

- I found some loose change in the sofa.

- That is one of the perks about

being your best friend.

All that trickle-down cashe.

- We have to hurry home, 'cause my dad's got a big

surprise waiting for me.

- Alright, alright.

- Wow, check out those girls.

They're scoping us out.

- You must be Pauly.

- You must be my dad's big surprise.

- What!?

- It's a good thing we're below sea level.

Down periscope!

- Oh, honey you gotta get in here.

You gotta see this shit.

This is the worst fucking show I've ever seen.

- Now Don is Carol.

- Oh, well wait, wait, wait.

I want to be Jan.

So I can sleep in the same room with Marsha.

Marsha, Marsha, Marsha.

Why does she get everything?

- Oh my God, I hate this fucking country.

- Dude, I have bras that work harder than you.

- Yeah, well your bras may be working, but it looks

like your panties took the day off.

- Ha, yo!

This nigga Pauly is fucking crazy, man.

- You father listens to me, you know.

I have his ear.

- That's not the only thing you have of his.

- You ever seen Pauly and then you see Pauly on weed.

Oh my God.

- Wow, that's a pretty nice rock.

- Thanks, it's a four caret, emerald cut,

blue eyed diamond.

- Yeah, my mom's was bigger.

Well that's it, you guys.

- Oh...

- Speech, speech.

- Speech?

- Yeah.

- Speech?

- Yeah.

- Okay.

Oh man.

Well first of all, I want to thank you guys for being here.

That means a lot to me.

I got to thank my manager, Mitch, and my agent, David,

for packaging this show.

I want to thank my girlfriend, Zoey, for her patience

and understanding during my hectic work schedule.

I love you, princess.

- Tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet.

- Tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet.

I'd also like to thank my best friend, Kirk,

who was always there for me when I was doubting

the show's premise.

Playing a spoiled rich kid from Brentwood.

I mean how perfect is that for me?

- It's awesome.

- To our, new, sitcom!

Woo! - The last time I saw

a steaming piece of shit that big,

I was standing outside the elephant compound

at the fucking zoo.

- Yeah, I can't believe the network didn't pull it

after the first commercial break.

- I swear, I swear I'm gonna puke.

You got some Tums or something?

- I only a few more minutes left, and then I'll meet

you guys at the club.

- Well tell Dormin you're coming.

- Don't be late.

- I won't.

- I thought Pauly's show was funny.

- Oh yeah, it was...

It was hysterical.

So what's your name?

- Ashley, what's yours?

- Tom.

- You're that creepy guy from all those movies, huh?

- No, that's Michael Madsen.

- Oh.

- So uh, how you getting home?

- My mom's picking me up.

- Your mom?

How about I take you home?

- I dunno.

- Come on.

I'll huff, and I'll puff, and I'll...

- Okay.

- God, that's lame.

- Yeah, yeah of course I want my usual table.

What the hell is wrong with you people?

Just hold it a sec.

Pauly, I got to tell you, that is the funniest sitcom

I have ever produced.

No, it'll run a decade, 10 years easy.

I'll call you in the morning when I find out

what the ratings are.

- Mitch, Mitch wait.

I just want to say thanks for everything.

- Listen Pauly, everything we've worked so hard

at in the last eight years has come together

just as planned, buddy.

- Yeah you know, stinky buddy.

Stinky piece of shit, buddy.

Going down the toilet, buddy.

The fuck that guy does.

- I'll tell you what he does:

he exists, he lives.

He could be incinerated by the heat from a thousand suns.

It would be too good.

- The second somebody put a microphone in his hand, right?

And they said, "Hey, it's okay to talk,"

that's when the fucking trouble began.

If my mommy owned a comedy club too,

I'd be on fucking top too, motherfucker.

- Hey Trevorina, you're the architect

of the stars, right?

- Absolutely.

- How long do these sitcoms keep you working for?

What is it, five, 10, 15 years?

- How many episodes did the network order?

- Six.

Wait, what're you doing?

Give me back my pen!

- Six episodes?

- It's just to start with.

They're gonna order more episodes.

- It's your manager.

- Hey!

Hey, Mitch!

- Pauly, you are not gonna believe this.

Are you sittin' down?

- Yeah.

- It was the lowest rated show in Fox history.

- What?

- Yeah, it didn't even break the top 100.

- What about people in the middle of the country?

- Hey, I dunno.

They're pinheads.

I guess they're watching Springer reruns, I dunno.

- That's okay, that's okay

'cause it's the pilot episode, right?

It took Seinfeld a year to catch on.

- Pauly, brace yourself.

Are you braced?

- Yeah, I'm braced.

- Yeah, they canceled your sitcom.

- Canceled?

Just like that!?

- Well hey, come on.

Did you read the reviews?

- You told me not to.

- Entertainment Monthly gave it an F.

They said, and I quote, "Sucks worse than gravity."

- So the nine minute air episode two?

- You've been preempted by When Animals Attack.

- I can be attacked by animals.

- Hold it, Pauly.

I got another call.

I gotta take it.

- Maybe it's the network, I'll hold.

- As a matter of fact, it is.

I got another show in the works with them.

- Staring who?

- I dunno, it's my production deal.

- How'd you get your own production deal?

- Well, you know, by producing your show.

Look, Pauly, I'll tell you what.

This afternoon, I got some time.

I'll call MTV, I'll see if I can get you back on.

- Mitch, look that's the last thing I'm gonna do

is go crawling back to MTV, okay?

- Gotta go!

- Don't you hang up on me!

- Listen, why don't we take a drive to Santa Barbara,

grab some lunch, clear the mind?

You know, you might be a little shooken up

by the news of the sitcom.

- David, it has nothing to do with the show, okay?

I just...

I just need to surround myself with a new team, that's all.

David?

- I'm just a little choked up.

Pauly, you sure you don't wanna rethink this?

- I already have.

- Okay then.

Good luck.

- Bye.

- Hey guys?

Pauly fired us.

He finally fired us.

Yeah!

Yeah!

He fired us!

Yeah, yeah!

Oh yeah!

Yeah! Woo!

- Fuck!

Fuck, my head.

Oh shit.

Yeah, well fuck MTV!

You guys are the whole reason why things

are fucked up for me now anyways.

I gotta go to VH1.

I gotta...

So with the failed sitcom and no representation,

I wound up where all the other out of work actors

wind up in LA: The Coffee Bean.

Or I like to call it: The Unemployment Bean.

or in my case: The Has-Bean.

- Oh yes sir, that's good too.

And this one.

- Zoey?

Zoey?

- Booger, what happened?

- Look, forget what happened to me,

what the hell's going on here?

- A couple days ago, I met this guy, Sal Goldstein,

at the car wash and he's helping me pick out

the right headshot.

Oh, and I'm also testing for Playboy.

Sal knows Heff.

- Well I don't really know him.

I have a friend who knows someone who's been up

in the mansion a couple times, and he met him once.

- What's your friend's name?

- Sal! - Sal!

- Sal, nice to meet you.

- Hi, nice to-- - What's up, buddy?

- Look, sweetie, let's just get outta here.

- Not now.

I'm in a business meeting.

- But I need you.

- We'll see each other later.

I'm sorry.

- Hey, Pauly Shore?

Pauly.

- Fuck, what, what!?

- I know...

It must bother you people.

I don't mean to bother you or anything,

but I'm from Florida.

I'm in a band called Limp Bizkit.

- Yeah, yeah what?

- Well I was just thinking, I got a demo

and maybe you got...

What happened to your face, man?

- So what do you want me to do with your fucking demo, what?

- Well if you like it, maybe listen to it,

pass it on to the people at MTV.

- Yeah, is that what you thought?

Huh, what do I fucking have a sign on my neck

that says, "Loser, I have nothing going on.

"My time is yours?"

Huh?

- Well...

- In fact, what's your name?

- Fred.

- Fred?

Yeah, Fred, that's a really good name for a rockstar.

What is it, fucking Fred Flintstone?

- Nah, Limp Bizkit.

- Yeah, Limp Bizkit.

Yeah, you guys are really gonna go far.

What does that mean, shriveled up dick?

Huh?

- You know, man, you're a dick!

We're gonna blow up one of these days bro,

and I ain't never putting you in a video.

Weasel-ass, punk-ass.

Who the fuck...

Fuck you!

Fucking faggot.

- I believe he's upset.

Pauly is supposed to follow Married with Children.

It says so right here.

- I know that, Bucky.

- Then what's this sub-moronic crap!?

- I don't think he's happy.

- Goddamn Hollywood know-it-alls.

Then numbnuts wouldn't know comic genius

if it bit 'em in the ass.

When Animals Attack?

Hell, who wants to watch that shit!?

If I wanted to watch that, I'd throw a porkchop

in the yard and watch the dogs go at it.

Hell!

This is my darkest hour of television viewing.

This is worse than when they replaced Bo and Luke.

I need to laugh, I need The Weasel.

And I need The Weasel and I need him now!

- We could watch "Son in Law."

Again.

- I want my Weasel, and I want him now!

- Jesus Christ, Pauly.

How many times do I have to tell you, slow down

around that fucking corner.

- I'm sorry, man.

I forgot you're my neighbor.

Hey Vern, let me ask you a question.

Who takes a bigger shit, huh?

You or your dog.

- Depends on who's seen "Bio-Dome" last.

Ahh! - Ahh!

- I got ya, I got ya.

- Ah.

- So how you been?

- Good, things couldn't be better.

So hey, you got the big opening coming up.

"Austin Powers."

Shagadelic, baby.

"Oh, behave.

"Oh behave."

- Like I haven't heard that before.

- Hey, so is Mike pretty cool?

Mike Myers?

- Yeah, he's an awesome guy.

- Yeah, he does a lot of movies?

- Shit load.

- Think there's any parts in there for me?

Vern, do you think there's any parts in his movies for me!?

- I'll talk to him.

I'll see what I can do.

- Come on, hook up a boy.

I'm your neighbor, bro.

- I'll see what I can do.

- Okay, sorry about the corner thing.

- Don't worry buddy, just slow down

around the corners, dude.

- Okay, later.

- Come on, Butch.

- So how you doing, Pauly?

- I'm good.

- Um, after reviewing your money accounts,

and realizing that you're not making as much

as you used to, I think it would be best

if you immediately sold your house.

- God, I knew you were gonna say that.

I just knew.

Driving over here, I knew you were gonna say that.

- Jesus, Pauly.

Why didn't you save your money?

- Why didn't you tell me to save my money?

- Listen, my job at this firm is at advise

you in investments.

At the end of the day, it's your money

and you spend it how you want.

You spent it like I have never seen before.

$5,000 a month on young, shaved boys?

- What?

- Oh, I'm sorry.

I've got Elton John's stuff mixed in with yours.

Yeah, here we go.

$3,000 a month on Swedish escorts.

- Hey, at least I didn't spend as much money as Elton.

- You don't need an accountant, Pauly.

What you need is help.

Real help.

Now I know of a sex rehab in Arizona

that you oughta check yourself into.

I just got a six month chip.

- Hello?

- Hey.

What're you doing?

- What're you doing?

- Watching you.

Tell me what I like.

- Not right now, Pauly.

I'm doing my taxes.

- Come on, but I need you.

- Alright.

First I'm gonna kiss all over your stomach.

Then we'll do reverse cowgirl, then I'm going

to suck your .

- Wait.

Hello?

- What're you doing, Pauly?

- Hey mom.

I'm doing my taxes.

- You don't do your taxes.

Come on over.

- Just hold on.

Quick, quick.

Tell me what I like?

- Wendy's hamburgers, matzah and eggs,

apple pie and raisen.

- Mom, mom please wait. - Pineapple and bananas.

- Pauly, what's going on?

- Oh, shit.

- Are you okay?

- Mom, I'm fine.

I'm fine, okay?

- I need you to come over.

My head hurts.

- I'll be over there in a sec.

- 'Cause I got a headache.

- I'm coming!

- Hurry up!

- I mean, it's just kind of a momentum thing.

- Well whatever the momentum is,

it's not just going towards me.

I don't have any momentum.

- Oranges, oranges.

Oranges!

- It'll swing the other way.

- Well it's gonna swing?

- You just never know.

You just gotta be ready for when it does swing.

- Right.

- Oranges.

Rico Suave Oranges.

- Maybe we can hook up after dinner, at the store.

- Oh my God?

- Orange, hey!

Oranges.

- Rico?

- Pauly!

What's up, Weasel.

Hey this is my son, this is Junior, man.

- Chiclet, chiclet, chiclet, chiclet.

- Ah, just like his daddy, bro.

What's up, man?

- Nothing, man.

I mean how you been?

What've you been doing?

- Selling oranges.

Come on, buy some, man.

- Look, I was at the supermarket, I just got

a whole bunch of oranges.

But hey, it was good seeing you.

- Hey, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Come on, bro.

Hey Pauly, come on man.

Not in front of my son, holmes.

Buy some oranges, bro.

Come on, man.

- Chiclet, chiclet, chiclet.

- I don't have any fucking money, bro.

- chiclet, chiclet!

- Look, I gotta get outta here, man.

I gotta go take care of my--

- Where do you think you're going, fool?

You know what, Pauly?

Fuck you, Pauly!

You fucking leave.

Kiss my ass, man.

You ain't going nowhere.

- I got shit to do.

- Oh hell no, fuck no.

- Ow!

Ah!

- Jesus!

- Asshole!

- Who's Rico Suave, fool?

Who is Rico Suave, holmes?

Me!

Motherfucker.

Fuck him, Pauly.

Say, "Fuck you, Pauly."

I used to fucking hook him up all the time.

He can suck my ass.

Fuck him, man.

Come on, let's sell some oranges.

- Hi Pauly, it's your mom.

I really appreciate you rubbing my head.

I really feel much better.

I love you, honey.

Bye.

- The only reason I ever laughed at your jokes

was to get pussy.

- But I need you, but I need you.

- Knock, knock.

- Who's there?

- Pauly.

- Pauly who?

- Exactly.

- Your 15 minutes are up, Pauly.

It's over!

- Pauly, you're so pathetic.

- I want you dead.

- Freak.

Tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet.

- I'm never putting you in a video.

- Not now, Pauly.

I'm in a business meeting.

- I might kill you myself.

- Pauly, I'm in a business meeting,

business meeting, business meeting.

- I think I got everything.

- Want another squeeze before I go?

- Oh, yeah.

Come here.

- You want crack, too?

- Yeah.

- Breathe in, breathe out.

- You're all loaded up, brother.

- Thanks, man.

- What the fuck is he still doing here?

Move.

Jesus Christ.

What the fuck happened to this place!?

- We called, he was supposed to be outta here

a week ago.

- Well he's not.

- Well...

- What're you still doing here?

- I was just getting ready to leave.

- Well not till you clean this shit up.

- Hi.

- How are you?

- Trevorina?

- Oh, hi Pauly.

- When are we adding the two new floors to the house?

- You're adding two new floors?

- Yeah, two whole new floors!

- Got a lotta trunks.

Hey listen, sorry about the sitcom, okay?

I just got myself one.

22 on the air.

- Congratulations.

- Yeah, 22.

- Yeah, anyway listen.

Actually Mitch is the one to congratulate.

He's my new manager, and he's the one who got me the part.

Listen, why don't you run along to mommy's club, okay?

Alright guys, let's go.

In fact, fuck Mitch.

He's the one who said this place was nice.

It still fucking smells like Pauly.

Will you guys please give me space.

- God, I can't believe Carrot Top moved into my house.

And I can't believe I'm moving back home with my mom.

- I mean we had some good times at your mom's.

- Kirk, we were 12.

So have you seen him?

Kirk, have you seen him?

- Nah.

- Well why?

- Well 'cause I haven't seen him--

- Well when are you gonna see him next?

Kirk, when are you gonna see him next?

- Tomorrow.

Tomorrow we're gonna have a drink and that's when

I'm going to see him next.

- Well when you see him, what're you gonna say to him?

- "Pauly Shore's a good friend.

"Can he come in and read for a part in your movie?

"It'd be cool, thanks."

- Just like that?

You gotta come from the heart, bro.

We're friends.

- I will mention your name first thing tomorrow

when I see him, I mean it'll be fine.

- It was on last night.

I was just flipping channels, you know.

And I remember seeing the ads for it,

the newspaper one, was out in the theaters

and all of that stuff, but I still couldn't...

Then the title was over, I didn't seen the end credits.

It was like "Viraldome."

You know, Baldwin's brother.

- Which Baldwin?

- The one that's like six, or something or other.

But the one who kinda...

He has, his eyes are kinda always, like--

- Yeah.

- He's the other guy in it.

- That's the young one.

- It's the other guy with the brown...

He's got kinda brown, curly hair.

He used to be on MTV, and he had the girls

around him all the time and that?

"Aah."

He always made noises.

- He made noises?

- I can't remember his name.

I think Fisher Steven's available--

- There's a lot of guys available.

- Alright, he made me laugh.

- I make you laugh.

- Pauly Shore!

Step right up, meet Pauly Shore.

Former celebrity.

You remember him from MTV, "Encino Man," "The Son in Law,"

and all his many television appearances.

Pauly Shore.

Now he works parking cars in his mom's club.

- Parking cars in his mom's club!

- Pauly Shore!

Touch Pauly.

Have a photo taken with Pauly.

- Oh, I want a picture!

- Just $1.

Pauly Sho--

Look at this.

- Can I put my arm around you?

- Yeah.

- Loved ya in that "Goofy Movie."

- Yeah, that was great.

- Come on, man.

You always used to love that bit.

- Yeah.

But now it's true, man.

- It's no big deal.

- You know what, give me my fucking dollar back.

- What's wrong with him?

- Yeah, so this is my loft.

This is where I live.

It's pretty cool.

- Wow.

- Come check this place out.

Is this phat or what?

It's like my little love capsule in here.

It's where I make love.

- Did anybody tell you that you look

just like Richard Simmons?

How about you give me your deal a meal?

Ah, ah, ah.

Not till I get my money.

- Okay.

- $83?

- Wait, got an extra dollar tonight.

- What do you expect me to do for $84?

- Come here and I'll show you.

- No, where's your phone?

- What's the problem?

- The problem?

The problem is I get paid 500.

Didn't Heidi tell you that?

- Look, what's the big deal, man?

At least I'm not some old guy.

Wait, wait, wait.

Hey look!

Soft.

I'm soft, come here, feel.

Come here, look.

Feel my butt.

It's soft, right?

See?

- Oh, it is soft.

- See, I told you.

I'm like the Coppertone Baby.

- Oh, it is soft.

Now do the Grim Reaper Reach-Around.

- The what?

- The Grim Reaper Reach-Around.

It's where you reach around.

Hmm, oh.

Ow!

What the hell!?

- You wanted to know what I do for $84?

I just did it.

- Wait, wait.

All I wanted to do was cuddle.

- You are pathetic!

- Hi, you've reached Jewel De'Nyle residence.

I am out dancing this weekend.

If you'd like to see me feature, I'll be in Tropical Lake.

And Pauly, if it's you calling, get a life.

- Who's there?

I said who's there?

- It's not Howdy-fucking-Doody.

- Kinison?

- You got that right, you little bastard.

- What the hell are you doing here?

- I've been watching you, checking you out,

and as your guardian angel, I've come to the conclusion

that you'd be better off if you had put

a bullet through your fucking head .

- What are you saying, I should just kill myself?

- Look, let me say this in a way you understand.

Take your life, buddy?

You understand that, you fuck!

- Why should I do that?

- You'll go down as a genius who died before his time,

like me, or Belushi.

Which would you rather be?

A dead genius, or a living idiot?

You idiot!

- Dead genius!

- Exactly.

And plus, the party's great up here.

- Up here?

What do you mean, you're in heaven?

- It's about who you know, brother.

oh shit.

It's fucking Hendrix.

He wants his Pokémon cards back.

Hey, I gotta go, Weasel.

I'll talk to you later.

See you in hell, heaven.

- Sam was right.

Get out while I was still ahead.

End it all while the iron was still hot.

The Weiz is dead, and has been for a long time.

Now I must destroy him.

Unfortunately, there'll be one person in my life

who will be devastated with my loss.

Dear mom, sorry it had to end this way,

but I couldn't handle the pressures of Hollywood anymore.

You did a great job raising me and it's not your fault.

I just want to go to a better place.

Please don't be sad, love Pauly.

- Pauly, keep it down.

I'm trying to get some fucking sleep.

- Hi, I'm Kurt Loder with MTV News.

Comic and actor, Pauly Shore, know to fans

as The Weasel, died in Los Angeles today

of a self-inflicted gunshot wound to the head.

The news hit the entertainment world

like a big, tragic hurricane.

- He was amazing, you know.

He was amazing, unlike any other comic.

- Pauly was deep.

He had like layer, layer, layer, layer.

And that's something I always look for as an artist.

For another artist that's got layers to them.

And Pauly, he was bundled in layers.

- Pauly was the first person to bring me to the beach.

I never would've got Baywatch if it wasn't for Pauly.

He taught me how to mouth-to-mouth recucitate people

and use defibulators, things like that.

- He did have good weed though, I gotta tell you that.

Pauly Shore had fucking good weed.

I blazed with him a couple of times.

I smoked his whole sack up, then I bounced

with his girls and shit.

At least he was good for something.

- Matt Pinfield has been sampling reactions

to Pauly Shore's suicide out in the American Heartland.

Not surprisingly, Pauly's biggest fanbase.

- Thanks Kurt.

I'm in Paducah, Kentucky, at the trailer park home of...

What is your name sir?

- I'm Buck McChristian.

I'm Pauly's number one fa-an.

- How did the death of Pauly Shore affect

you and your family today.

- It's hard to put into words, Matt.

Laughter is the music of the heart,

and once that joy's been taken away,

you're nothing but an empty shell.

That's how I feel.

- If you had to pick one Pauly Shore movie

to be your favorite, what would that one be?

- It's hard.

- "Son in Law."

- That's the news for now.

Stay tuned for more at 10 to the hour, every hour,

here on MTV.

- Cut!

- Jesus, what a big deal they're making out of this.

Do you believe it?

- The man was an icon.

- Yeah well, maybe we should all shoot ourselves.

- I can't believe he's not here anymore.

- Yeah, I understand, Mrs. Shore.

Nobody really understands the pain

that a parent goes through when they lose a child.

I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.

We will put you in touch with Dr. Kirby,

who is out after-care program specialist, and she can--

- Oh, don't play it with me honey.

Don't cry for me.

You raise the kids around a bunch of drunk comics

and now you're shocked he took his fucking life?

Save it, lady.

Save it for the fucking room upstairs,

not on the fucking big stage.

You know what I mean, lady?

- It's Pauly, isn't it?

- Excuse me, you guys gonna be putting long or what?

I mean.

- Oh, come on.

Can't you that kid is obviously crying.

Don't be so insensitive.

Hi honey, what's wrong?

- My son's not taking Pauly Shore's death too well.

- Your son's crying about that loser?

Man, me and my friends had a party the night

that guy died, man.

What a fake bullshit that was.

All that, "Hey buddy."

Weasel shit?

That shit sucks, man.

They've seen "Jury Duty," you saw it.

That was a fucking piece of shit.

I mean Jesus Christ, give me a break.

- Take it back, pal.

- Oh, take what back?

- Take it back, pal!

- Take what back, old man?

Why don't you take you and your little

crying-ass kid to the next hole so me and my girl

can play some golf up in this motherfucker, right?

Come on, man, let's play?

Let's play some golf.

- 'Cause I'm The Weasel!

Woo!

- Not bad, not bad.

Way to go, Susie.

I got her a little bit of the moisture.

Alright, now contestant number two is a roofer from Corona.

Stu.

Stu Blouser.

Stu wants everyone to know that he brought

his lover here.

- No, it's my brother dude. - I mean his brother here.

Is that him?

- Do it for the family, bro!

Come on, Eye of the Tiger, do it!

- Get going and do your thing.

- Hey, what's up?

Check out those...

Yeah, whoa, oh fuck.

Fuck, guys!

- It was nice meeting you.

Okay, just one more stay if you need me.

Never seen me before.

- What, listen this is your fifth call.

The towels will be there.

Quit calling!

What can I do for you?

- Hey, aren't you that--

- Yeah, yeah.

- What happened to your hair?

- I lost it.

What can I do for you?

- I'm just looking for a room.

- Obviously, dipshit.

- I'm sorry, I've just been traveling all day.

I'm just a little parched.

- Alright, how long you staying with us?

- About a week.

- $39 a day.

By the looks of you, I want you to pay me now.

- Alright, here you go.

- Oh, $83, okay.

- No here, here.

- $84?

What do you expect me to do for $84?

- Rub my ass?

- Excuse me?

- Sassafras.

Sassafras.

Hmm, it's a nice fragrance you have here, Kato.

Here we go now.

I'm going to my room now, Kato was bald.

- So you were all Pauly's girlfriends.

- I was.

I don't know about these bimbos.

- Shut up, you stupid bitch.

- Oh God.

- You know what, when he was banging you whores,

he was thinking of me the whole time.

- Oh, I don't think so.

- Are you fucking hearing this shit?

- You see these boobies?

Pauly bought 'em for me.

- You know what, Pauly bought me mine also.

- Oh, I don't think so.

- Pauly got me pregnant.

- You bitch!

- He was a genius who died before his time.

- Pauly was a comic genius.

- News hit the entertainment world

like a big, tragic hurricane.

- He was amazing.

- I've always been a Weasel believer.

- I did it, I did it!

Hollywood!

Hollywood, what's up!

- Goddamn.

- Oh shit!

- What's the hold up, come on?

We don't have all day.

- Look who it is, Tom Sizemore.

- No you idiot, it's Michael Madsen.

- What's the difference?

- Six inches.

- Love that, love that.

- Hey babe, where you going?

You got the wrong girl.

- What's the difference?

- Can you believe I pulled this shit off?

Things turned out way better than I expected.

News anchors calling me a comic genius?

Hot bitches fighting over me on Springer?

Dr. Dre telling everyone he partied with me, bro!

I'm king!

Everyone's gonna want me back,

especially my dumb-ass girlfriend, Zoey.

She was fucking the Spanish dude from Saved by the Bell!

Bachelor.

And Carrot Top, moving in my house?

I can't wait to beat your ass at celebrity boxing.

See you in the ring clown boy-ee!

But the main thing is that my plan worked.

My plan really worked.

Pauly Shore, best actor of Tinsel Town.

See you at the Academy.

Holy shit.

- So why'd you do it?

- Huh?

- I know it's you.

- What?

- I know it's you, Pauly.

- You do?

- Yeah I do.

So why'd you do it?

- Look, you wouldn't understand, okay?

You're just a kid.

- Really?

Try me.

- You don't know what it's like out there

in the real world, alright?

- You're probably right.

And what gives you the right to mess with people

the way you did.

And what does that have to do with me understanding?

- Look, I just want to be appreciated a little,

that's all, okay?

- And you think that people are gonna appreciate you now?

- Well yeah, look.

I'd say so, huh?

I'm on the cover on all these magaines.

I'd say I'm pretty much appreciated.

- Not when they find out you're still alive.

- And how are they gonna do that?

- I'm gonna tell them.

- No you're not.

- Watch me.

- Hey, hey!

Get the fuck off me, bitch!

You think people hated you, well they're really

gonna hate you now!

Pauly's still alive.

- Pauly from the dead?

What the hell, you son of a bitch.

Pauly Shore is here.

Yeah, get me, get me, uh...

Get the police down here.

- Give me the fucking phone!

- He's at the Charles Motel on Hoboken and Clear Boulevard.

Get the fuck back!

Get off my counter.

- Dammit!

- Oh, ow!

Come here.

- Ah, shit.

Come back.

Come back here, you little bitch.

- You're over with, man!

Shitty actor!

Woohoo, I'm getting paid!

Get in, quick.

Get in, get in!

- Will you please tell me what the fuck is going on!?

- I'll tell you after you take me to my mom's house.

Pack my shit--

- No, no, no.

You tell me now, brother.

- Kirk, Kirk.

Get me to my mom's house and get me there now!

Okay, I'll explain everything later, I promise, okay?

Fuck, the cops are here.

The fucking cops are here.

What the fuck are you laughing at?

- What're you thinking?

- I don't know what I'm thinking, man.

I'm all fucked up.

Things are all fucked up now.

- It's room 19, go check it out.

- Hey, how you doing?

Yeah, was I a little loud?

- Listen, I know this is gonna sound really weird

and strange, but is Pauly Shore here?

- Pauly who?

- Shore.

- The guy from "Bio-Dome?"

Funny, The Weasel guy?

He's dead.

I'm all by myself here.

I'm actually here for a funeral.

- Oh.

- My mom, she died the other day.

Got in a bus accident.

- Sorry to hear that.

Well if anything comes up, please give us a call.

- Oh, definitely.

Yeah.

- Sorry for the inconvenience, sir.

- Okay.

Nice meeting you.

- Have a good night.

- Bye-bye.

Cya.

Did you see that, Pauly?

I was there for you.

- Yeah, it was a close call.

- Maybe you can put down the gun,

seeing that I'm for the team.

- That was good, you did a good job.

Just keep on packing.

- 671, I need a backup here now.

- Hey Kirk, did you get me that audition.

- No, he cast it.

He thought you were dead.

- Really, who'd he get?

Hey Kirk, who did he get?

- Carrot Top.

He went with Carrot Top.

- You know what, that's fine, 'cause I never want

to be in a fucking Sean Penn movie anyways.

- We have late breaking news.

Actor, comedian Pauly Shore is not dead.

I repeat, actor, comedian, Pauly Shore is not dead.

We now go live to a motel deep in the Valley

where Tricia Miata is standing by with the manager

of the motel, Kato Kaelin.

- I knew it was him.

- So you're saying Pauly Shore is in one

of your rooms right now?

- Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

- Who's Pauly Shore?

- He's alive!

- Yes he is!

- No, dipshit.

Pauly.

- Yeah, he's alive!

What the fuck, he faked the whole thing.

He's sicker than before.

Fucked up than me.

What, oh fuck no.

It's gonna be bigger than Downey.

Bigger than Downey!

- Who's Pauly Shore?

Oh yeah, he was on MTV before I was born, right.

- I surrender.

- Alright, so you're beating me four to one, okay?

I'm going to make it.

- Oh, Bucky.

- Alright, alright.

Hold the phone, folks.

- Two big fights, two big fights.

- Strange news out of Hollywood.

Down there, Kelly, they said Pauly Shore is alive.

They're saying he faked his death, some kind of sick joke.

I don't know what the heck he was thinking,

but needless to say--

- Pauly's not dead.

- ... The jew's memorial service has been canceled.

- Do me a favor, - Is this a joke?

- If you see him, kick his ass for me.

- Weasel done messed with the wrong inbreeders now, man.

- You mean "inbreeders."

- Hey, shut up and go to your room.

- Daddy, I'm in my room.

- Shut up!

What's everybody, a fucking comedian?

Get me a beer.

- Fine.

- Hi, I'm Kurt Loder with MTV News.

MTV executives want to apologize to viewers

for airing 48 hours of Pauly Shore.

To make it up to you, we're gonna have Metallica

go out and play at all of your backyards.

We go now to other entertainers to hear

their reactions to this unconscionable scam.

- I did a movie with him.

I wish I hadn't done it.

That was my last movie I did.

That almost killed me.

Why?

'Cause he almost killed me, on the set.

Every, fucking, day.

Before a take, right before a take.

You know what he would do?

"Action!"

He would reach over, reach his hand down my pants

and pop two fingers up my asshole.

What kind of sick shit is that?

- But I didn't really know him, know him.

But he always had the nerve to ask me

for shit all over the place, man.

I felt like smacking him around a couple times,

but he's a little guy.

- Pauly stole everybody's act.

He would steal the girls, he'd steal the guys.

You should've seen what he did to my goat, man.

- For me, Pauly was like a funny guy and whatever,

and he had his fans.

And then it wasn't enough.

It wasn't enough, he wanted more fans.

He wanted bigger, and that's sad.

- And now the whole country's supposed

to fucking take it back?

No Pauly, fuck you.

Stay dead.

- That's the news for now.

Stay tuned for more at 10 to the hour here on MTV.

- Cut!

- You know, that was actually a genius move.

- I think that was kinda rude.

- Whatever.

- I'm looking at his numbers right now.

Pauly's apperance on Court TV rated 20 times higher

than his sitcom.

He was right, people do want to see him as a victim.

That's what he always told me.

I should've listened to him.

Oh well, oops.

Next.

- Pauly, no way!

No way, dude.

- Tommy?

- How are you, man?

- Hey, what's up?

- It's good to see you, welcome.

You're one of us now.

I'd knew you'd be here eventually, man.

Don't worry, everything's gonna be cool, bro.

It's gonna be the best thing that ever happened to you.

Dude, I found Jesus in here.

- You did?

- Yeah.

- Well where is he?

- I'm right here, Pauly.

- Dude look, we made a tape.

Tommy and Jesus.

Check it out later.

- Oh great, I'll look at it.

Alright, well it was good seeing ya.

- Alright bro, take it easy man.

- Later.

- Peace.

- Heidi, Heidi, this is the guy!

The guy that looks like Richard Simmons.

The guy that paid me $83, you fuck!

- 84!

- Hey, Heidi.

- Long time, no see, Pauly.

That's why your career got all fucked up.

You're always cutting corners, you cheap-ass jew.

- I was gonna pay you back.

- Pauly, $500.

I'm already low balling you, fucker.

- Get me to my cell.

Get me to my cell!

Jesus, who's gonna be next?

Todd Bridges.

- Oh great, I get the white comedian devil.

Step on in.

Take the top bunk.

I don't want the devil underneath me.

- You shouldn't have betrayed me, Weasel.

Bang.

Listen, son.

One of these days you'll understand when somebody

take your manhood, you go take it back.

- Bucky, wait a minute now.

Don't do this.

- Now you shut your mouth.

Nobody mess with a man's business.

- Alright then, you do what you have to.

You got out there and .

You shoot that Weasel right between the eyes!

- Look, it's Pauly.

Can he sit with us, can he?

Can he sit with us, please?

- Of course he can.

- Pauly.

Pauly, come and join us.

- Hi.

- Hi, my name is Lawrence.

And this is my friend, Pepe.

And of course we know who you are, you little Weasel.

- I loved "Encino Man."

- You were so cute.

Any movie that buries an animal in a hole

and then digs out, makes me so happy.

Pepe's my Encino Man.

- What's Brendon Fraiser like?

- I loved him in "Tarzan."

- Nah, that was "George of the Jungle."

- He was swinging from a vine.

Oh please, he'll be back.

- Pauly, tell them something they've seen you in.

- I was in the Kid 'N Play movie.

- "House Party" 1 or 2?

- It was called "Class Act."

- "Class Act?"

I seen that.

Which one was you?

- I was the guy in the third act, remember?

At the anti-drug rally.

I was in the pop bucket on the main stage.

I was tearing it up, I was doing this.

- Oh shit, that was you!?

- Remember?

- That was you?

That was you, my nigga.

- Yeah, yeah.

Alright, am I down now?

- Yeah, you down with us.

You can roll with us, my nigga.

- Alright, okay.

I'm your nigger.

- The fuck you call me, man?

- Nigger?

- The fuck you say to me, man?

- I just said what you said to me.

- Man you better take that ER off the end

of that shit, man.

That sound like that slave shit.

It's nig-gah, nigga.

- Nigga?

- Nig-gah! - Nig-gah!

- Nig-gah.

- Nig-gah!

- Nig-gah!

- Nig-gah!

- Nig-gah!

- Nig-gah.

- That shit is tight, that's for sure.

What's mackin'?

Nigga!

- Yeah, nigga!

- Yeah, yeah.

- Alright.

- What's up, my nigga.

Come up here and fuck with us.

- Alright, see I'm down now.

I'm crackalicious tight, that's for sure!

Alright.

- Tell me about some of that fine as white Hollywood

hoes you be doing them movies with, man.

- You were in one of the best movies of all-time.

"Happy Gilmore" was la bomba, bro.

- I wasn't in "Happy Gilmore."

That was Adam Sandler.

- Oh.

Which movies was you in?

- I was in "Jury Duty."

- That's the one with the little chihuahua?

- Mm-hmm.

- That movie sucked, bro.

Adam Sandler, he's the bomb, man.

"It's time for Hanukkah.

"I want to celebrate Hanukkah."

- Alright, alright.

Shit, shut up already.

- Do you remember that song?

- Yeah, I remember the fucking song.

You don't have to fucking sing it.

- I thought you were Adam Sandler, man.

- Well I'm not fucking Adam Sandler, man, alright?

- "It's time for yamaka.

"I want to celebrate Hannakah."

- Hi, welcome back to TRL.

It's Carson, we're gonna move on with The Countdown

in just a second.

But first, on the phone, the newly incarcerated Pauly Shore.

Pauly?

- Yo, yo, yo Carson.

What's up, what's up, yo?

- Well you're lame.

Everybody here is booing you.

- Are you serious?

- I went to your funeral.

- Okay, well I'm alive, bro.

Aren't you happy about that?

- Hold on, hold on, Pauly.

Everybody was bawling, it was serious.

It's not cool at all, dude.

- Yeah I know, but I didn't think

it was gonna be such a big deal.

- What do you mean it's not a big deal?

You faked your death.

- So?

- I don't have time for this.

I have a new band I'm gonna play you right now

that everybody's talking about.

They're called Limp Bizkit.

In fact--

- Oh, Limp Bizkit?

That's my boy, Fred from Limp Bizkit.

- You know Fred from Limp Bizkit.

- Uh, yeah.

- Yeah right, sure.

In fact we have Fred Durst.

He's the lead sing of this new band, Limp Bizkit.

- No, no, no.

No, no, no.

Don't put him on.

- Hey, I'm here, man.

- What's up, dude?

- Hey, what's happening?

- Welcome to the show.

- What's up, Fred?

- Pauly, shut up.

We're talking to Pauly Shore.

- You're talking to Pauly Shore?

- Yeah.

- Pauly, can you hear me?

- Yo, what's up?

- Dude, you're a fucking punk!

You are a piece of crap, man.

I gave you a CD to give to Carson, man.

You fucking smashed it!

When I see you, I'm gonna smash your fucking head!

- Alright, alright.

I don't have time for this, I don't have time for this.

- Yeah, well you're a punk, bitch.

Your band sucks dude. - Fuck you man!

- And you suck! - Fuck you!

- Fred, he's not--

- I'm smack you right in your fucking head, dammit!

- He's not worth our time.

I wanna talk about your band, congratulations

on the new found success, man.

- Thank you so much.

Thanks, man.

- Shut up, Pauly.

Here's brand new Limp Bizkit.

Check it out, by request.

- Fucking punk!

- Dang Pauly, jeez man.

- Well I don't want it to smell up.

- Yeah, well you'll kill 'em with that too.

- Alright.

- You stinky bastard.

- What're you reading there?

- I'm reading the Kuran, man.

You gotta make that change, man.

Pauly, nobody wants to see that old Weasel stuff.

It's all old, man, and played out.

Robin Williams used to be on Mork and Mindy

going, nah, nah, nah, nah, and he got an Oscar.

Tom Hanks used to be on Bosom Buddies wearing

a dress with lipstick, and he got two back to back Oscars.

- I can't believe I'm sitting in jail

taking career advice from Todd Bridges.

- Oh, and your career's better?

- Uh, yeah.

- Really?

- Uh-huh.

- Oh yeah, well when I get outta here,

I got two TV shows lined up.

- You do?

- Yep.

- Is there any parts in there for me?

Hey Todd, is there any parts in your TV shows for me!?

- No Pauly, there are no parts for you, man.

Sorry.

Just because you're in here, don't be taking

it out on me.

- I'm sorry, man.

I just can't believe I'm in jail, that's all.

You better start believing.

- Well what are you doing here?

- Well you think about why you got in here

in the first place.

I mean how did you fake your death?

- Oh, it was easy.

Yeah, it was all pretty easy.

I told the LA Coroner's Office that I was researching

for a role in a movie on how to play a dead guy.

I then snuck into his office and stole

they keys to the building.

Searching the obituary section for my perfect match.

And there it was, David Levinson.

5'10, brown hair, brown eyes.

I bought a gun, sex mags, and booze.

Then I scored some pills from Corey Feldman.

So that night, I stole the body, dragged him

up the stairs to my loft, and dressed him

to look exactly like me.

And kaboom.

The party was over.

Oh yeah, then I changed my identity.

Meet my alias: Ben.

Hi, how are ya?

Hi, my name is Ben.

- Why would you shoot the guy in the face, man?

- The guy was already dead.

- You are sick.

- And you're my nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga!

What's up, bitch?

What's wrong, Willis?

- You just don't get it, do you?

That's not you, Pauly.

You got two choices here.

I mean either you're gonna learn from your time

in jail or not.

I mean it's your decision, man.

So what's it gonna be, Pauly?

You gonna change your past or not?

Nigga, nigga, nigga.

- Jump him, jump him!

Move it right there, jump him!

- Sam Ruben here with the expose that has stunned--

- Jump him right there!

- ... personally and outraged, and who is it?

The fact that a performer who is as low-brow

and sophomoric as Pauly Shore, tired to fake

the public sympathies by, well, faking his own death,

is frankly disgusting.

This, friends, is a new low in the annals of Hollywood

Babylon, and believe you, me, that is pretty low.

As I've stated time and time again,

Pauly Shore is a low-brow buffoon.

- Look at that shit, man.

- This is Quin Colin from Dickenson, North Dakota

and I want send this out to Pauly in prison.

I hope some dumb-ass convict makes you his bitch, Pauly.

Woo!

- So Pauly gave each one of you

a sexually transmitted disease?

- Yes, me not.

- Not only did he give me a yeast infection,

but I also have allergies.

Which I did not have before I slept with Pauly.

Thanks a lot, jerk.

- What a bastard.

- Pauly, if you're watching me right now,

enjoy jail, buddy.

- Shut up!

- I don't want to see anybody get hurt.

- Let me call you back, baby.

- Cold.

- Hey man, hey.

Hey!

You gotta pay for that.

- I'm sorry.

How's this?

- Come on, dude.

Man, Jesus.

Man, come on.

- Just call the cops.

- What do you mean call the cops, man?

- Calm down.

- If I call the cops, they're gonna come get you, dude.

Take the money, I don't--

- Be cool, be cool, be cool, alright?

You never been robbed before, have ya?

- Just put that gun down.

- Call el cope.

El telephone-eh.

9-1-1.

Goddamn Californians.

- The cops...

I'll get them.

- I'll be outside.

- Lock that hick up!

- Yeah, yeah.

- Anything you say, and will, be used against you

in a court of law--

- I know, Bernie.

I know, Andy.

Let's roll.

- Get in.

- Whoa, hey, hey, hey!

Cell B, suicide.

Open this door!

You tripping, Pauly.

What's wrong with you, man?

Get this dude out of here.

He's going crazy.

Trying to kill yourself up in my cell.

Why you put him in my cell?

Get him outta here, man.

- No, I can't go!

No!

Assholes!

- Pauly, it's Adam Sandler.

You know, the guy that keeps you up all night.

The guy that makes 20 mil a movie

when you can't get one made.

Woo-hoo .

- You know what?

Fuck you, Sandler.

Fuck you, how about that?

- "Fuck you, Sandler.

"Fuck you."

Ah, horseshit.

- You know, I don't get what's the difference

between me and you, bro.

Huh?

- Exactly.

What is the difference?

There is no difference, you dumbass.

- You know when I get outta here

I'm gonna beat the shit outta you!

- Well I'll be waiting, Pauly.

But just remember: it's "Billy Madison,"

not "Buddy Madison."

It's the "The Wedding Singer," not "The Weasel Singer."

You'll also be The Weasel.

You'll always be The Weasel.

- Jesus Christ, what the fuck happened to you?

- You tell me what happened to me, okay?

This is your fault.

You're the one who told me to kill myself.

- Yeah, you know what?

You're right.

I said, "Kill yourself," not "Fake your death,"

you fucking moron.

God, look at you.

I was just kidding.

I didn't think you'd do it.

- So now what am I supposed to do?

- You tell me.

Do you wanna live or do you wanna die?

- I dunno.

- Come on, I don't have all fucking day.

Let's go you little bastard!

- I want to live.

- I can't hear you.

- I said, "I want to live" Sam, okay?

I want to fucking live, alright?

- As Pauly, or as The Weasel?

- As The Weasel.

- No you dumb shit, as Pauly.

- But everybody knows me as The Weasel.

- Who gives a fuck what everybody knows you as?

That's their problem.

You gotta start showing people the guy

that your friends and your family know.

The guy that used to cook me burgers

at The Comedy Store in West Wood.

That guy.

The Weasel's just a defense mechanism to keep

the whole world at arm's length.

- Like your scream?

- Yeah, like my scream.

But enough about me, listen.

This is what you gotta do.

Starting tomorrow, you're gonna learn how to act.

- You're joking.

- You're gonna be one of the best actors

that Hollywood's ever seen.

- What?

- Look, you've seen the darkside.

You've felt the pain.

Welcome to the real world.

I already talked to all your friends,

they're gonna help you.

Todd, Lawrence, Pepe, all of them.

Who is it?

Ah shit, it's Marilyn.

She wants her dildo back.

I'll always be watching out for you, Pauly.

I'll always be looking out for you.

Take care, man.

- Okay.

Shakespeare, Shakespeare.

- Here's one, Pauly.

Come on.

You can do it, you can do it.

Come on.

- And then it's verified in the greens of our--

- No, no, no.

- Oh Hamlet, our dear brother's death!

- Yet on through, I have that dear brother death

and O the--

- Make it stop!

- ... and I think that with the reason that the day...

- This.

Oh God, not that.

Up here.

- Okay, okay.

- Okay, now.

- Whoa!

- And then he will despair and then the behavior

and the law in some sort of way.

He should know the way!

- There you go, yeah.

Now you're getting it, man.

There you, now.

- Holy, holy, hombre!

- Thank you, guys.

I can't believe I did it.

I'm back on top once again, only this time,

it's with them.

You know, it's weird how sometimes a bad thing in life

can actually turn out to be a good thing.

All the world's a stage, and men and women

are merley players, and one man,

in his time, plays many parts.

At first, the infant, then the whining schoolboy,

then the lover.

- I'm gonna kill you, Weasel.

- Shit, fuck.

- I drove all the way from Kentucky for this moment.

- What's your name?

- Bucky.

- Bucky?

- I'm your number one fan, man.

Or I was.

- What do you want?

An autograph, a headshot, what?

- Oh yeah, yeah.

Autograph'll be real nice.

I'll have it written in your blood.

I have watched "Son in Law" 270 times.

- Huh?

- Watched all your MTV specials.

Hell, I even sat through "Phantom of the Mall."

- You did?

- And I liked it.

- Well if you like me so much,

why are you trying to kill me?

- 'Cause you humiliated me, man.

You fucked with me.

- I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

- When I heard that you was dead, it was like

my whole world was torn away from me.

But then I find out it's all a joke.

All a big funny fucking ha-ha.

Well I didn't find it too funny.

What's all this Shapespeare shit you was doing?

You ain't an actor, you're The Weasel.

- They weren't gonna do "Encino Man 2."

No studio was going to finance "Son in Law" the sequel.

- What're you saying to me?

You're telling me that The Weasel wasn't real?

It's all just a big money making scheme

for some corporation?

- Just like Ronald McDonald.

- You mean Ronald McDonald ain't really a clown?

- No.

- Well I'mma hafta kill that motherfucker too.

- We just couldn't keep the ratings up

on the Fox show.

- That's because you weren't the Wiez.

You're some spoiled rich kid from Brentwood,

and that shit ain't funny.

Hell, I even know that.

- Please don't kill me, please!

Please don't kill me!

I'm just...

I'm just Pauly!

It's okay, it's okay.

- I can never hurt you, man.

Now Ronald McDonald's another fucking story.

I'll just have to watch "Son in Law," again.

- Hey, Bucky?

Thanks for caring.

And thanks for being my number one fan.

- Make the movies.

Just one more time, please?

- I'm gonna act, okay?

Oh, one more thing.

No homies in the juice.

What movie's that from?

- "Encino Man."

- Say hi to Judgeito.

- "Jury Duty."

- Crazy, boys.

- "In the Army Now."

- Snabido, snabido.

- "Bio-Dome," "Bio-Dome."

- Imbreeders!

- "Son in Law!"

- "Son in Law!"

- You did that just for me.

- Thank you.

- I feel like the last person that ever heard Elvis sing.

- Think I got everything.

- Yep.

- Richard Gere can have Tibit, Alanis can have India,

but guys like you, me, Tommy, and Downy?

We found ourselves right here in LA County, man.

- That's right, but I think Downy's traveling

to one of those foreign places.

- Yeah.

Hey, I just wanna tell you, Todd, that I've realized

a lot of things here in jail.

Number one: The Weasel will always be part of me,

just like Willis will always be part of you.

And number two: All the girls that I had sex with,

they didn't want to have sex with Paul Montgomery Shore,

the little Jewish boy from Beverly Hills,

they wanted to fuck The Weasel.

Anyways, thanks for everything, man.

- Yeah, but remember that was your choice.

Hey, next time you see Sam, you tell him to tell

Red Foxx to come see me again, okay?

- Why?

- 'Cause that's my guardian angel.

- Well here, then take him.

- Hey, thanks Pauly.

Alright, brother.

- Alright, take care man.

- Bye.

- Always locking a brother up.

- I also realized that Hollywood isn't such

a bad place after all.

In fact, it's probably one of the most beautiful

places in the whole world.

People come out here from all over the world

to try and get into show business.

Not just because they love to sing, dance, act, or direct.

Everyone wants to be accepted.

In other words, we all just wanna be loved.

- Ashley, come on!

Goddammit.

- What?

- Pauly's getting out of prison.

We're his ride.

We gotta go, let's go.

- Oh yeah.

- Let's go!

She's fucking retarded.

But she's pretty.

- Pauly Shore is a free man!

Hi everyone, I'm Nancy O'Dell.

- Hi Nacy, hi folks, I'm Pat O'Brien,

and let's get right to work with a story gripping Hollywood.

Actor, comedian, Pauly Shore is out of jail.

- Oh shit, is that my nigga?

Did he get out?

- Yeah, that's him.

Look at Pauly!

That's Pauly Shore.

- They let my nigga outta jail.

- That's what I'm talkin' about.

- Shit.

- Every network, every studio head wants a piece of Pauly.

And guess what?

Access Hollywood's got him.

- That's my nigga right there.

Fresh out with a doubt.

You can't keep a real nigga down!

- You know what I'm saying?

- Fucking Downy and his fucking ass,

you son of a bitch.

Pauly, the real deal.

- But was this a case of art imitating life,

or Pauly Shore imitating some pretty bad art?

You see, Shore was more popular dead than alive.

Since his simulated suicide, it seems everybody

wanted a piece of Pauly.

The question remains: is Shore a shrewd shyster,

or a genuine genius?

- See the thing about Pauly Shore is he's a genius.

The guy was always one step ahead of Hollywood.

I mean look at "Meet the Parents."

It's a blatant rip-off of "Son in Law."

Guy just never got his due because he was too good.

You know what I mean?

But now everybody sees that.

- Where's Pauly?

What?

- Speech, speech.

Come on, go.

- You're the best, you're the best.

- It's because you weren't the Wiez!

- I say it's a can't miss.

- Okay, you got it?

- Yeah man, I just wanna say thanks man.

- Don't touch me.

- No, that was great.

I just want to say thanks.

- Don't touch me, give me the pictures.

The negative in here?

- They're in there.

- Good, 'cause if I see them showing up anywhere,

your ass is fucking grass!

- Okay, I just wanna say--

- Get off!

- Man...

They get so mad about it.

I guess that's the way the business is.

Last one there, and now I can start working on the sequel.

And we're about to order, fuck...

Trevorina.

And uh, and...

Trevorina.

And action.

Nigga.

Ha, I was trying to get you.

- I remember something the late Robin Williams said,

"Pauly Who?"

- Pauly Shore needed to die.

I know a lot of people said that.

- Thanksgiving, he didn't eat any of the turkey.

He had about 15 e-tablets up his asshole.

"Happy Thanksgiving everybody,"

is what he said as popped the last one in.

- It's like the Snopp Dogg song.

It's like this, and like that, and like this,

and you know?

I mean that's what I think of when I think of Pauly.

- I've been selling oranges, holmes!

- Dude, fuck rehab bro.

The only way to...

Sorry.

- That's okay.

- Dude, fuck rehab.

The only way to the top is with...

- Hey cool, man.

Before we go, here's a demo of our band, stained.

I stuttered, we'll do it again.

- I thought this was a fucking Eminem interview?

Laurie, what you got me doing here?

- Drop the soap, you little bastard!

- There's a lot of talking going on.

This is the adlib, not the adlib.

This is when he says at the end of the killing

of me scene says, what is it?

- It's a wild track for the prison scene.

- Right, there you go.

- Hey Pauly?

Tom Sizemore.

Thanks for sweet message.

I had an incredibly good time that day.

You're a natural-born director.

You really are, and thanks for involving me, okay?

And when it comes time to do press, if you need me

to say some kind things, don't hesitate

to ask me to do anything to help your movie, okay?

I mean that.

- And we love you, Hollywood!

Thank you for coming out, good night!

- Congratulations on the movie, Vern.

- Thanks.

- Woohoo.

- Cheers.

- Don't you think we should go get Pauly?

- Aww, fuck him.

There's not enough of you girls to go 'round.

- Yeah, we got you, Vern.

- Yeah, baby.

- Congratulations.

- Knock it off with the pinky shit.

Where's Duke?

Duke!

Come here, come here, come here.

- Woohoo!