Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.MX

[glass shattering]

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

[reel spinning]

[serene instrumental music]

- Thanks so much, Dad. - Yeah thanks, Dad.

That was awesome, totally awesome.

- Come on, Justin. - Yeah I'm coming, I'm coming.

[door shutting]

- Hey, hey, come here.

Hey didn't you guys have a good time, right?

- We always have a good time, Dad.

- I wish we could have it with mom too.

- Look you know your mom and I are going through

a little bit of a rough patch right now.

- You're divorced, that's more than a rough patch.

- That's true, but we still talk, and talking is much

better than yelling, which we used to do all the time.

- But, Dad, why can't you get back together?

- Hey, guys, come on let's go inside.

- Come here. Bye, sweetie.

- Bye, Dad.

- Bye, Dad. - Bye, Son.

Hey. - How are ya?

- I'm good. I've been apartment hunting.

- Oh nice, how's that going? - Okay.

So do you suppose that we can get together for dinner?

- I don't know. - Saturday, maybe?

- No.

- Look I think there's some stuff we need to talk about.

- Nate--

- Look I've been doing some soul searching--

- Nate.

- I even read a self-help book.

- Nate, I'm dating.

Look it's been six months, it's time

and I wanted to let you know.

- Oh.

Okay, I understand.

- I'm sorry.

- Well good luck with that.

- Thank you.

I'll see ya next week.

- Right.

Right.

[serene instrumental music]

- All right, dinner is served. Let's eat.

- Why can't Irving sit with us?

- Justin, honey, Irving's a dog, he's our pet,

he doesn't sit at the table.

- I wish I was a dog, he has a better deal.

- [Wendy] How's that?

- He has no homework, he can sleep all day,

and he can pee in the backyard.

- Hey you don't do your homework, you sleep all day,

and I've seen you marking your territory.

- Hey.

- [Wendy] Justin you better not be going

to the bathroom outside.

- I'm sorry but when I gotta go, I gotta go.

The divorce is affecting me.

- Okay, guys, look.

I am so sorry at the way that things have worked out, okay?

But your father and I, we had problems.

- Well why didn't you try to work them out?

- Because it wasn't gonna work out, all right?

Now with that said, before we start, I would like

to share something with you.

You know Dom, the manager at the grocery store?

- Dom, the guy with the weird mustache? [laughing]

- Yes, the guy with the, well him and I have been

getting along really well lately and we have decided

to start dating. [barking]

- Dating? Aren't you too old to be dating?

- I am not a milk carton, I don't have an expiration date.

Besides I think it's time that he meets the two of you.

So he's gonna be here on Friday.

- Wait Dom, are you doing this to get free streaks?

- No, I would never date a man to get free steaks.

- Lobster? - No.

- Discount on the wine section?

- Amanda, cut that out. - Free cake?

- I do like cake. [growling]

No, he's a nice man, and he likes me, and I like him,

and that's what adults do when they like each other.

They date. - Great.

- Now let's eat. - I lost my appetite.

[whining]

[doorbell rings]

[upbeat instrumental music]

[door opening]

- Hi there. - Hi.

Kids, this is Dom.

[door closing]

- Hi, I'm here for all your organic produce needs.

We deliver too.

- Dom Massey. Your name is ?

- That's me, I'm an original [laughing]

- How long have you been a

- Ever since my dad named me.

Actually I'm a little my father,

he was a big Dom Massey. [laughing]

- Okay, great, let's eat. - Yeah.

[serene instrumental music]

[growling]

[serene instrumental music]

- All righty, who's hungry?

- Me. [laughing] - Great.

Sorry, I forgot the meatballs.

[serene instrumental music]

- Wow. - All right, guys.

- Really nice spread. - Thank you.

[serene instrumental music]

[coughing]

- [Wendy] Dig in, guys. [coughing]

[serene instrumental music]

[coughing]

- Do you want a glass of water?

- Please, thank you. - Thank you, Justin.

[serene instrumental music]

Are you okay?

- Yeah, I just have this really terrible allergy to dogs,

cats, birds, you name it. [laughing]

Thank you. [coughing]

- [Wendy] Would you like some meatballs?

- Please, yeah. - Okay. [sneezing]

[serene instrumental music]

[sneezing]

[coughing]

- Sorry. Do you-- [sneezing]

I'm sorry. [sneezing]

Do you have a dog? [sneezing]

[serene instrumental music]

[gasping]

- What? [siren sounds]

- Well, sir, it looks like you're gonna live.

- Oh good. You know what's really weird?

I think I speak Japanese now.

[Japanese spoken]

- Bye, Dom. [door closing]

- [Justin] Do you think we'll see him again?

- Don't get smart with me.

- But I am smart. - You tell him he's smart.

- Did I ask you?

- Mom, I don't know about Dom.

I mean why would someone have a fake mustache?

I mean fake hair, sure, but a fake mustache?

- His mustache scares me, like clown scares me.

- Okay, I know, all right?

He wasn't the best choice, I got it.

- And now he probably has brain damage.

- Will you leave it alone, please?

- [Man] This way!

[dramatic instrumental music]

Come on, come on.

[dramatic instrumental music]

Come on!

- Please, what about Lita?

- [Man] Come on!

- Where are we going? - To the roof!

- What are you doing? - Saving your soul.

[dramatic instrumental music]

- Good job, Irving.

- Yeah, what a loser.

Here's my card for all your produce needs.

I'm 14, I don't need produce.

- This is crazy.

Can you believe mom was actually considering that doofus?

- I know she doesn't want to be alone, but jeez.

- And how 'bout that thing on his lip?

It looks like a hamster.

- Do you realize mom was actually considering

having that guy live with us eventually?

- Huh? - Don't you get it?

She's trying to find a new dad for us.

- We already have one.

- I'm just saying that if she dates successfully,

we're gonna have another Dom living here with us.

- Forget that. We live here too.

- Yeah but what if she meets some guy

and gets all gaga over him? - Can't happen.

- What? - Can't happen.

She's 35 years old, all that love stuff is dried up

by that time, scientific fact.

- Really?

- All she can do now is drive me to soccer games,

get groceries, and yell at me. [sighing]

- Justin, you're an idiot.

The lovey-dovey stuff doesn't go away ever.

- What are we doing up here? [screaming]

- Get back.

- We have to keep her from finding Mr. Right.

- How do we do that?

- You know what to do, don't you, Irving?

- He's gonna eat them? - No.

We're gonna stick together and run them off.

- How do we do that?

- [Amanda] We'll just be our obnoxious selves.

- I can do that.

- We're gonna make sure no one ever gets a second date.

- Yeah!

[growling]

[serene instrumental music]

- You said it was Dom Massey, like--

- Stop it.

- Like Dom Mas-sey? - Charlene, stop.

- I'm just saying, the first thing when you're

looking for a man, he's gotta have a good solid name.

- Anyways, you know what I need?

I need a man like my old boyfriend Dave Sparks.

- Dave Sparks, oh that's a good name.

Was he your high school sweetheart? [laughing]

- Oh yeah. God he was amazing.

He was charming, and funny, and he was going places.

- Wait, wait, wait, so why haven't you looked him up yet?

- Because he's across the country, and he's probably

some big C.E.O. of some big ol' company by now.

[barking]

[upbeat instrumental music]

- David Sparks, it's past noon and you haven't

got dressed yet? You are a loser.

You look like you're going to a loser convention.

- I'm not a loser.

- David, darling, you are a loser.

- Don't you think maybe you calling me a loser

all these years had an effect on the way I turned out?

- No, I told your sister she was stupid,

she turned out okay.

- She moved out at the age of 17 and changed her last name.

- Well I can tell you that she's not having

whipped cream for breakfast and wearing

a bath robe at 2:00 in the afternoon.

- Can we drop this, okay?

- No, not until you do something with your life.

Don't you have plans?

- I have plans, I'm just in between ideas.

- Ideas, oh I love your ideas.

Kosher pork, that was a great one.

Oh and singing waffles. - Oh that was great.

Had the little microchip in it.

- Your poor grandmother, she cut into a waffle

and got electrocuted. [shocking]

She still has the permanent surprised look on her face.

- No, no, no, that was because of the bad face lift.

- No, that was the waffle.

- It was the face lift. - Waffle!

- It was the face lift.

- Oh, and let us not forget your brilliant invention,

the mouthwash that brushes your teeth.

- A few teeth fall out and everyone calls you a monster.

- You know what, David? I know what you need.

- Oh, really, and what's that?

- You need a good woman.

- I know where this is going.

This is about Wendy, isn't it?

- You should have married her, David.

She would have straightened your butt out.

- Mom, she was too goodie-gooodie.

I like a woman with fire in her eyes.

- Moron!

- Look just stay out of my love life, okay?

- Well somebody has to do something!

- You think a woman is really gonna change my life?

- You are late on your rent.

- I can't believe you make your own son pay rent.

- What was that? I don't speak loser.

- I'll get your rent.

- What are you gonna do, sell your blood, again?

- No, I'm not gonna stoop that low. Again.

[upbeat instrumental music]

- Mr. Muffins, I got your favorite.

Peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

"I kidnapped your hamster, $20 gets him back." [gasping]

Oh no, Mr. Muffins!

[upbeat instrumental music]

- Where's my dough? - Where's Mr. Muffins?

- This is ridiculous. There's no money in hamsters.

I gotta work my way up to cats.

[serene instrumental music]

[laughing]

- Right? [laughing]

So my boy comes in three minutes late,

and you know what she says to me?

She says I have to take my kid to the doctor, wah, wah, wah.

He's got a broken leg in three places, wah, wah, wah.

She should've told him to buck up. I fired her butt.

I love firing people, it makes me feel... alive.

Ever fire anybody, kid?

- No.

- Well of course not, you're a kid.

You're fire. [gasping]

[growling]

[serene instrumental music]

[laughing]

I'm just kidding, I'm just kidding. [laughing]

- Oh my.

Well I hope you saved room for dessert because

the kids made some really wonderful chocolate cupcakes.

- My favorite, how did you know?

- More Ex-Lax. - Seriously?

- Yeah, I've met Roy, this guy's an idiot.

If they had kids, we'd have idiot sisters

and idiot brothers. [farting]

[laughing]

That's the idea. [laughing] - All right!

- Lucky guess. - Thank you.

Would you like one?

- No thanks.

- How 'bout you? - No, I'm stuffed.

- No thanks, I don't like sweets.

- Well more for me.

[serene instrumental music]

Mmm, mmm, mmm.

That was really fine eating.

You ever have deer kabobs?

- Oh goodness, I can't say that I have.

- You haven't lived until you've had deer kabobs. [gurgling]

- Are you okay?

- Sure. Where's the facilities?

- That way. [farting]

[serene instrumental music]

[door closing]

[serene instrumental music]

[farting]

- [Roy] Oh my [yelling]

What's happening to me?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. [yelling]

There's a pain inside of me.

[serene instrumental music]

- Mmm. [laughing]

Mmm, mmm. [laughing]

Mm-hmm. Mmm, mmm.

Well that lunch was wonderful. [laughing]

- Thank you.

- Oh and I must say, your kids are very impressive.

- Thank you. - Thanks.

- Nice meeting you.

- Oh hey, I just remembered, Sir Kay Day So-De-Al

is in town, why don't I get us all tickets?

- Yeah, that sounds awesome, right?

- Yeah. [laughing]

- [Wendy] Great.

- Okay, bye, guys. - See ya.

[upbeat instrumental music]

[growling]

[upbeat instrumental music]

[phone ringing]

[upbeat instrumental music]

[engine starting]

- Bye. - Bye.

- [Justin] Go, boy.

[upbeat instrumental music]

Stop! [yelling]

[whimpering]

You injured our dog. - You monster.

[whimpering]

What have you done? - You hurt Irving.

- [Amanda] You monster.

- I didn't mean to, honest.

- Irving was my mom's best friend.

She's gonna hound you to the ends of

[growling]

- Why did this have to happen? You're a dog killer.

- How could you do this?

Irving was the kindest creature on the planet.

- [Justin] He'll never play fetch again.

- [Amanda] You should pay for the funeral,

but I know you won't.

[upbeat instrumental music]

- Here, here, here, take it, take it, take it.

Look, I gotta go, okay?

- [Justin] Monster.

- My mom's gonna find you and it's not gonna be pretty.

- Yeah, Mister, you better watch it.

[growling]

[tires squealing]

[barking]

Sweet. - I know.

Hey, I want my cut. - Irving wants his cut too.

[laughing]

[serene instrumental music]

- So how was Larry?

- Larry was great.

- [Charlene] Yeah?

- Except I can't seem to get him on the phone.

I thought I saw him the other day.

[serene instrumental music]

[groaning]

- Really?

- [Wendy] Guess he's just not that interested.

- Well I will say, I'm really happy the whole Roy thing

didn't work out. [laughing]

- Why?

- Because he fired me twice. - Twice?

- Yeah, girl, and the second time he wasn't even my boss.

Like what?

How do you, how does that, I don't get it. [laughing]

Oh you go in that bathroom yet?

- No, hazmat team says I have at least three days

before I can get in there. - For real?

See, never ever mess with a woman's bathroom

on the first date. - Amen to that.

- [Charlene] Who does that?

- [Wendy] All right, what do you think?

- Tie it up. - Like this?

- Booty's on point.

- Oh hi, honey. - Oh.

- Mom, don't forget to pick up a lottery ticket.

- That's right, I have to go to the market later.

- Market, got it.

- Nice dress, new date?

- You don't want me to meet somebody.

- I love your dates, they're hilarious.

- [Wendy] You see how she treats me?

- Well, girl, just wait 'til she's 16.

- Yeah. - Forget about it.

- [Amanda] Whatever.

[door closing]

[birds singing]

[upbeat instrumental music]

- Justin, hurry up, it's on.

- [Justin] Big deal, do you know what the

odds are of winning?

You'd have a better chance of getting hit by a meteor.

- Can't win if you don't play.

- Yeah, yeah.

- No I don't wanna date Henry, he still has acne.

His face looks like a Drake's coffee cake.

[upbeat instrumental music]

No, he has a goiter.

- [Announcer] Okay, here are the winning numbers--

- Get the ticket.

- [Announcer] For this week's lottery. [laughing]

- Goiter, that when your neck looks like it's

trying to swallow a cat.

I don't know why he doesn't just pop it like a zit.

[laughing]

Yes, I like a little eye candy.

- [Announcer] 34, 28, seven, nine, and... 47.

- What? - What?

Mom! Mom! - What?

- We won the lottery. - That's ridiculous.

- [Announcer] And there you have it, folks.

We hope there's a big lucky winner out there this week.

- We won the lottery! [laughing]

We won the lottery. [laughing]

[upbeat instrumental music]

- You never cease to disgust me.

- Love you too, Mom.

- Oh my God. - What?

- What's in your hair? - What, what is it?

- You have candy in your hair. - What kind?

- I don't know, candy.

- Oh. Ooh.

- Don't you dare eat-- - I have to.

- Oh God. Well that's handy.

What else do you have stored up there, a meatball sub?

- No but that's a good idea. [sighing]

- What is this crap? - The news.

- We're here at the home of Wendy Fisher,

the latest lottery winner. [laughing]

- Hey, isn't that Wendy?

- Yeah, that's funny we were just talking about her.

- Look at her nice house, a couple of kids.

I bet if she'd married you, they'd have turned out

to be losers like you. - I heard that, Mom.

- You were meant to hear it.

- Congratulations, how do you feel?

- Oh, stupendous.

That's silly, no, I feel really wonderful

and we're so grateful and surprised.

It's just been a rough year, a divorce and lonely.

- Take my car.

[upbeat instrumental music]

And take a bath for God sakes, you smell like

your grandmother's feet.

[upbeat instrumental music]

[cash register opening]

[upbeat instrumental music]

[laughing]

- [Wendy] Okay, thank you, thank you.

- [Dave] Jackpot.

- [Wendy] Gonna be single forever. You're a good friend.

[laughing]

[door opening]

[door closing]

- Yeah I don't know. Yeah, so, you know?

Oh my God, oh my God, Charlene, I gotta go, I gotta go.

Dave?

- Wendy?

- Dave Sparks? - Wow, hi.

- What are you doing here?

- Oh I'm just taking a jog, I like to stay in shape.

- Oh my gosh, I just live right around the corner.

Do you live in this neighborhood?

- Oh no, no, just jogging through. [laughing]

[barking]

- Sorry, so sorry, he's normally really friendly.

I'm sorry. Stop it.

- It's okay, yeah, no, he's just trying to protect you.

[laughing]

So wow, I mean you're a sight for sore eyes. [laughing]

- Man, well what have you been doing? Have you been busy?

- Oh yeah. [laughing]

- Raising kids?

- Oh, I'm not that blessed. [laughing]

- So did you ever marry, what was her name, Jacie?

- No but she's doing 15 years for armed robbery.

- Oh. So no? - No. [laughing]

- [Wendy] Armed robbery?

- Yeah, I thought she was standing me up for a date,

turns out she's getting arrested.

- So Dave Sparks is single.

- Yeah, you know, I've just been too busy to get married.

I feel like I've missed out really.

- Oh. - What about you?

- Divorced.

- Oh what a shame. - No.

We should get together. - What, really?

- Yeah, I mean unless if you don't want to,

.I totally understand. - No, I would love that.

- Really? - I'll take you out.

Let me get your number.

- Okay here, I'll just. [laughing]

I'm sorry. [phone dialing]

There ya go. - Got it.

[growling]

- Call me tonight. - I will.

- Awesome. Oh my God, it's so good to see you.

- Great seeing you too.

- Okay, I'll talk to you soon.

- Looking forward to it. - Bye.

[barking]

[upbeat instrumental music]

[cash register opening]

[upbeat instrumental music]

[knocking]

- Hi, can I help you?

- Just wanted to let you know that somebody was letting

all the air out of the tires in the parking lot.

I just wanted to report it.

[upbeat instrumental music]

Ah, room 13, no one's gonna rent out that room.

[upbeat instrumental music]

Ah.

This is the life.

[barking]

[upbeat instrumental music]

- So he just showed up?

- Yep, my high school sweetheart. [laughing]

Can you believe that?

- I think he might have saw you on TV

winning all of that money.

- No he was out of the country, he just flew

back in from China.

- Maybe it is meant to be.

- What?

- I mean you wished for him to come back in your life

and here he is. [laughing]

- You know, I think so.

- I think you are on a lucky streak, girl. [laughing]

- Good.

[upbeat instrumental music]

- Justin, we've got a problem.

- What now?

- [Amanda] Mom found her high school sweetheart.

- Oh crap. - Yeah, oh crap.

- What do we do?

- We have to call in a pro. - You mean?

- Violet Zander. - Violet Zander?

She's the most awesomest prankster in school.

She parked the principal's V.W. in the office,

no one knows how she did it.

- We have to amp up our game.

- Will she help us? - Yeah.

Back in April, she pulled a big prank at school.

She changed all the whipped cream to shaving cream

in the banana cream pies, she was facing expulsion,

but I took the blame for her, she owes me.

- Make the call.

[dramatic instrumental music]

[phone ringing]

[dramatic instrumental music]

- Hello?

- Wendy. - Dave.

Hi.

- It was so good seeing you the other day.

- Yeah it was, it was really nice.

- You know, we should go out.

- I would love that.

[opera singing]

Is that, singing?

- Oh I'm at one of those Italian restaurants

with the singing waiters.

- Oh, are you with someone?

- Alas, no.

A bunch of couples staring at the lonely sad guy

in the corner. [laughing]

- Well you will not be lonely tomorrow.

- Why's that?

- Well I mean we're going out, aren't we?

- Oh yeah, you bet.

- But, Dave, one thing. - what?

- Not that Italian restaurant, okay?

Because that guy singing, he sucks. [laughing]

- You got it. [laughing]

- Great. Well bye.

[humming]

- Hmm?

[dramatic instrumental music]

- [Amanda] Keep a look out for mom, Irving. [door closing]

- What's up with that?

- Well--

- Your mom kinda banned me from the house.

- What'd you do?

- I set fire to her garden.

- That was you?

- Yeah, it was really cool.

I build this magnifying glass about six-feet tall,

aimed it at the sun, and boom those begonias went out

in a flash.

- I'm honored to be at your presence.

- All right, here's the deal, mom's old boyfriend's

in town, and we need to keep him out of the picture.

- She in love with this guy? - Yeah.

- That's bad, that's very, very bad.

- Any ideas?

- Well we can't break any state laws so let's stick

with the tried and true.

[dramatic instrumental music]

- What's that? - A Peruvian death pepper.

Hottest pepper known to man.

Guaranteed to drive any man away.

Put this in his food and he'll think your mom

is the worst cook on the planet.

- Cool.

- Or maybe the ghost in the house routine.

Yeah, well that will require some reading but you have

to convince him that a demon lives in here.

- You can do that?

- Who do you think designs the Universal Theme Park

Horror Nights? - You?

- They know talent when they see it, but it's all

on the down-low. - Yeah right.

- Look, guys, I think you guys have the biggest weapon

of all at your disposal right here.

- What? - Irving.

- Irving? - Yeah.

If a guy likes a girl, and the girl has a pet,

the guy has to like the pet or the guy is out.

- What?

- If the chic thinks that this guy doesn't like her dog,

she'll think something's wrong with him.

- So Irving has to hate him? - Right.

- Don't worry, guys, we'll get rid of this creep in no time.

[dramatic instrumental music]

- Hmm? [barking]

- It's mom. - Irving, move it.

[dramatic instrumental music]

[door opening]

What's going on in here?

- Nothing.

- I smell perfume.

- Really, Mom, I mean really, why would I

be wearing perfume? I'm insulted.

- I know that smell. It's called ambush.

I got my eye on you two.

- Why would you think I was wearing perfume?

- Well you did use mom's bra as a hat when you were three.

- Will you drop that? It always goes back to the bra.

I was three and my head was cold, let it go.

- Justin? He's so sensitive.

- Yeah, it's cool, makes him easy to torture. [laughing]

- Okay, Amanda, I am going to brunch tomorrow

and I'm gonna need you to babysit.

- Going out? With who?

- My old high school flame.

- Where are you going?

- I don't know, he's gonna surprise me.

[upbeat instrumental music]

- I know, best Italian in town.

- How's everything here, folks? Anything else?

- Nah, just the check, thank you.

- Have a great day.

- Uh-uh, that is not very lady like.

- We are splitting this bill. - Absolutely not.

- This is too big, we're splitting that.

- No. Do you think I care about that?

Besides I'm a regular. [laughing]

No, it's true. Brunches, dinners, soirees. [laughing]

I have an account. - An account?

- Yeah, all important customers

have accounts at restaurants.

- Well that's impressive.

- Would you like to meet the chef?

- We can meet the chef?

- Oh, absolutely, he's amazing and he loves it

when people compliment his work.

- I would love to meet the chef.

- Another amazing meal.

You are a genius, let me shake your hand.

- Thank you. - Thank you so much.

- Amazing kitchen, cleanest in town.

Come on, we need to go. Thank you again.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[dramatic instrumental music]

[Spanish spoken]

[serene instrumental music]

- [Justin] If they kiss, I'm gonna hurl.

[serene instrumental music]

- We've gotta think of something.

- But what? - Violet, what did she say?

- It's all about the dog.

- Irving. - Come here, boy.

Irving, get him.

[growling]

- Irving, no, bad dog.

- [Dave] Get him off me. [groaning]

Get him off me.

- Irving, bad dog, get inside. [groaning]

Bad dog, bad dog, I'm so disappointed in you.

Irving bad dog. I'm so sorry, oh my gosh.

Are you hurt? [barking]

[upbeat instrumental music]

- Do I look hurt? [laughing]

Right as rain, think it's the first time

a dog knocked me down?

- Yeah you have a little something--

- I don't follow.

- Just a little something--

- I'm Amanda, pretty daring fashion choice.

- I think this is yours.

- Yeah, terrible.

- You know I'm gonna go.

- Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. Can I see you again?

- Wild horses wouldn't stop me.

- Okay, call me.

[upbeat instrumental music]

- I'll see ya soon.

[upbeat instrumental music]

- Irving, you stay, sit. [whimpering]

Sit. I wonder why he did that.

- Well Irving is very sensitive.

- Oh, you mean he doesn't like Dave?

- Maybe. [whimpering]

- What's not to like?

- I don't know, guess it's a mystery.

This one isn't going away so easy.

- Irving's gonna have to amp it up. [barking]

- That a boy.

- Oh my gosh, today in science class this one kid

ripped a huge fart in the middle of his speech.

He's back?

- I don't believe this.

- I hope they're not kissing.

I'll be in therapy for years.

- Yes and you threw that eraser and it was so--

Oh. [laughing] Hi, kids.

- How was school, guys?

- Like Disneyland, Mom, you never want it to stop.

- You know, I used to love school.

Education will fulfill your dreams. [laughing]

- How is education gonna get me a PS4? [laughing]

- Bigger dreams.

- What's bigger than that?

- You know what would be really great?

- What?

- Is if you guys would bring us some lemonade.

- Ooh. - Coming right up.

- That sounds wonderful.

- I know.

- You're a good mother.

- It's kind of a perfect day for lemonade.

- It is perfect. [door closing]

- This is crazy, now we have to serve him.

- I know, right? Gosh, this sucks.

- I know.

- Wait a minute.

- Brilliant.

Great idea.

[dramatic instrumental music]

- I love this.

- But slippery, I know.

- Oh thank you. - Thank you so much.

- Yeah.

- Look at that bird, beautiful.

- Where?

- Yeah, but what you have to see are my mom's roses

right behind you. - Really?

Those are gorgeous, they're just--

Hey is that a rat or a squirrel?

- Where?

- Oh, must be nothing. [sighing]

Boy, what a beautiful yard you have.

- Why yes it is.

- Well this lemonade looks so good.

- It's the best.

- Cheers. - Cheers.

[gasping]

[coughing]

- Oh what's the matter, honey? You look flushed.

- I'm burning up, I'm burning up, do something.

[upbeat instrumental music]

I'm burning on the inside, you nim-wit.

I'm not gonna make it. It's all over.

- You had a hot pepper, not a hand grenade.

- Amanda's not here right now, it's me, the pepper.

- Hey, guys, you okay?

Look you're really gonna have to bring your A game

because I'm not going anywhere.

- [Justin] You don't love my mother.

- Now that's not true.

Just stay out of my way, you got it?

- Oh no, it's on. You're going down.

- You must have a lovely singing voice.

Look, kids, get used to it because I'm

gonna be your new daddy. [laughing]

- What are we gonna do?

I don't want this guy to be my new dad.

- We gotta change things up.

- Like what? - Like dad.

We have to bring them back together before it's too late.

- I say we tell him that she's really missing him

and he comes over, and we kind of set it up.

- Set what up?

- The mushy stuff, you know, the love stuff.

- Memories. - Yeah. [barking]

[upbeat instrumental music]

[phone ringing]

- Hello?

- Hi, dad. - Hi, sweetie.

- How are you doing? - All right I guess.

- Can't say that for mom. - Why?

Is she okay? - I think she misses you, Dad,

but she's too proud to say it.

- Well I'm not too proud.

Your mother was the best thing that ever happened to me.

- You should tell her that.

Why don't you stop by and say hello?

- Well you think that would be okay?

- Well you do have to drop off my allowance tomorrow.

- But I already gave you your allowance, sweetie.

- Dad, read between the lines.

- Oh, oh, right, right, okay.

[serene instrumental music]

[doorbell ringing]

- [Wendy] Nate, what are you doing here?

- Oh I forgot to give Amanda her allowance.

- Oh okay, well come on in.

- Place looks great. [door closing]

- Thank you.

So how are ya?

- I'm good, I'm good.

Busy, work's got me all twisted. [laughing]

- [Wendy] Well Amanda should be here any minute so sit down.

- [Amanda] Did you put the pictures out?

- [Justin] Yeah, we got his.

[laughing]

- Oh look at this, Magic Mountain.

- Oh jeez.

- This is after we went on that whirly thing. [laughing]

- I was puking everywhere.

- Yeah you puked on my mother. [laughing]

- It was the best puke I ever had.

- She never forgave you for that.

- Good. [laughing]

- Made me love you more. Oh.

Look at this, Justin's first baseball game.

[upbeat instrumental music]

- Gosh remember he was using the baseball bat

to hit kids instead of baseballs? [laughing]

- Yeah, he did not last long in that league.

- Yeah, I don't think he was born with the sports gene.

- Well neither was I.

Whoa, you in a bikini, sexy time.

- [Wendy] Give me that.

[upbeat instrumental music]

- Pick up the phone.

- [Martha] Hello?

- Ma, ma, it's me. Ma, I'm not a loser, okay?

Look, I'm screwed.

Yeah, the ex is here and they're holding hands.

Fine, I'm getting it, I'm getting it.

Not a loser, not a loser.

- No, come on, let me take that.

- No. Oh my gosh, this is a memory.

- Are you kidding? You haven't changed a bit.

- Oh. You need to get your eyes checked, Mister.

- I already have, okay?

I got new contacts and everything. I see crystal clear now.

You're looking good, Wendy.

[serene instrumental music]

- Nate.

- Sorry.

- It's okay.

[serene instrumental music]

Nate you're not here because of what happened

to me, are you?

- What happened to you?

Wait, did somebody hurt you?

- No, my good luck.

[laughing]

- Okay, I'm missing something here.

- The kids didn't tell you anything?

- No. No, your good luck?

Wait, I'm getting worried. Were you sick?

- No.

- 'Cause if you were sick, I think I should know about it.

Look I know I don't mean anything to you anymore,

but if you dodged a bullet, I think I should know.

- No I just, I won a raffle at the kids' school.

- Oh okay. [laughing]

Hey don't worry me like that.

- I've never seen you get so emotional before, Nathan.

[serene instrumental music]

[upbeat instrumental music]

- Oh.

[upbeat instrumental music]

Come on. Get off of me.

[upbeat instrumental music]

[doorbell ringing]

[growling]

- Hi. - Hi.

So good to see you. - Oh you too.

How are you? - Good. [laughing]

Nate this is Dave Sparks. [door closing]

- Hi. Who are you and why are you here?

- Oh I'm a friend, just stopping by.

That's what I do, I stop by from time to time.

- Oh I see.

You know I used to have a jacket that looked

exactly like that. - Really?

- Really, someone stole it right out of my motel room.

- Must be a rat hole. [laughing]

- Yeah, I'd say it was.

[upbeat instrumental music]

- Look, I don't wanna be interrupting so--

- Oh, I'll call you. - Okay.

Come here. [laughing]

- Good to see you. - Okay, bye.

[groaning]

- So who was that guy?

- Is that really any of your business?

- Well no I just--

No. No you're right.

- Are you okay?

- Yeah, why don't you give Amanda her allowance.

- Are you sure you're okay?

- Yeah.

Yeah I'll catch ya later.

- Oh, well hi. - Hello.

- Let's go, Justin.

- Now what was his problem?

Because he looked like he was about to cry, girl.

- I think I just hurt his feelings.

- Nate, feelings?

- I know, weird, right? Maybe he is changing.

[upbeat instrumental music]

[phone dialing]

- It's not going well, Ma, the ex is making his move.

I'm screwed.

- Oh do I have to do everything myself?

- What does that mean?

- I'm flying out there. - When?

- As soon as I hang up. [sighing]

- Great, 'cause that's what I need in my life, more Ma.

[upbeat instrumental music]

- This is where you're living? This is disgusting

but somehow, it kinda fits you.

- Thanks.

- Now, what we've gotta do is we've gotta get

Wendy to think that you are the greatest thing

since sliced bread, which is practically impossible.

- What am I supposed to do?

- You mentioned she has a dog.

- And it hates my guts.

- But she loves the dog. - Oh yeah.

- Then you're gonna save the dog's life.

- Huh?

- We're gonna kidnap the dog, we'll tuck it away,

when she sees it's gone, she'll go crazy.

- She'll go mental.

- Then you'll come to the rescue.

You'll return the dog you'll be her knight in shining armor.

- I need a knight costume?

- No, you stupid stupid-head.

- Oh, I get it.

- Okay the kids are at school during the day, does she work?

- No.

- She never leaves the house?

- Well no, she goes out for a jog every day.

- Perfect, that's when we'll snatch the dog.

How come you didn't get any of my smart genes?

- 'Cause dad was a bumbling fool.

- There is that.

Now let's go get you married to some money. [laughing]

[door closing]

[upbeat instrumental music]

- Come on, will ya?

[upbeat instrumental music]

Get the gate, come on, move it.

- Really, I gotta open the door for ya?

- I'm a lady. - You're a lady.

Yeah a real lady.

Ma, easy on the coat.

- Oh this coat, oh my God, you're worried about this coat?

- Yeah, it's a nice coat.

- You'll get a better coat once we get your money.

We gotta get the dog, the dog is money.

Okay, you need to get the dog.

- He's over there, okay, okay.

[whistling] Come here, come here, come here.

[growling]

Oh, you little, come here, come here. Come here.

[barking]

[yelling] Son of a biscuit, did you see that?

- Yeah, it's pathetic. Will you hurry up? [barking]

- I'm gonna get you, you four-legged freak.

Come here. Come here, you. [growling]

I'm gonna get you, I swear.

Come here.

[growling]

Why don't you help?

- I just got my hair done and my nails are still drying.

- Great. [barking]

Come here.

Come here, you little fur ball. Come here.

Don't you go up those stairs.

- Idiot!

- You, I'm gonna get you, I swear, you little fur ball.

[barking]

Help, I think he's gonna eat me!

- Oh, idiot.

[groaning]

- Ma, he's got that look in his eye. [groaning]

Help, he's gonna eat me. [groaning]

- Sit.

Now that wasn't so hard, was it?

- Not so hard? I got teeth marks on my butt.

What if he has rabies?

If I start frothing at the mouth, it's your fault.

- [Martha] I'll give you a nice eulogy at the funeral,

now move it, moron!

- Oh, Ma!

[serene instrumental music]

- And then at lunch she was eating this pink marshmallow.

- Pink marshmallow?

- Hey, guys, guys, have you seen Irving?

- [Justin] No. [groaning]

- Irving? Irving?

God where is this dog? [door closing]

Irving?

Hey, Irvs, buddy?

Irving? Bud, you down here?

[sighing] Where is that dog?

Irving, you want a bone, you want a treat?

Irving?

Irving?

[sighing]

I don't know where he is.

[birds singing]

Irving?

Irving?

- Mom?

[somber instrumental music]

- I think he ran away.

- Irving?

[somber instrumental music]

- Irving? - Irving?

- Where could he be?

- We gotta check the pound.

- We have to find him.

- Irving?

- Irving? - Irving?

Where could he be?

- I don't know. Irving?

- Irving? - Irving?

Where is he? Irving?

- Irving? - Irving?

- Irving? - Where are you, boy?

- Irving? - Irving?

- Irving? - Come here, boy.

- Irving? - Irving?

- Irving? - Irving?

- Are you sure? Because he answers to the name Irving.

No.

No.

[knocking at door]

Hi. - Hi.

- Hi. [door closing]

- What's wrong?

- We have been looking for Irving for hours.

- He's loose? - Yeah.

- Take it easy, I'll find him, I promise.

- Really? - You just sit tight.

I will find Irving.

- Thank you.

[upbeat instrumental music]

- Do you think this is weird? - What?

- Irving disappearing.

- He ran away?

- I think Dave's behind it.

- What?

- I say we follow him.

- Yeah!

[upbeat instrumental music]

- I don't know where he's going but he's not

looking for Irving. - How do you know?

- Look.

[upbeat instrumental music]

- Then what's his deal?

- I've got an idea.

[upbeat instrumental music]

[knocking at door]

- Who's there?

- Hi, I'm Amanda, this is Justin, we live down the street.

- Well I'll have to check that out.

[door closing]

Let's see.

[beeping]

Yes you do appear to be my neighbors.

- You have us on file?

- Yes I have everyone's facts and figures on file

in the neighborhood, one never can be too careful.

- Yeah, I hear you keep a watch on the street.

- Yes I do, I have motion sensors, I have cameras,

I have satellite tracking, I know everything.

Complete surveillance.

Now the Ellisons down there, they're having

veal parmigiana tonight.

- How do you know that?

- I have an integrated electronic particle sniffer

system, it sniffs even the tiniest of molecules.

- Cool.

- Yes and... [beeping]

I've got it right here.

In fact, Justin, you farted.

- No I didn't.

- [Man] 10 minutes ago you did.

- Oh yeah. Wow, that's amazing.

- Weird.

- You can smell that all the way over here? Awesome.

- Yes, awesome. Now what can I do for you?

- Our dog disappeared, Irving.

- Irving. I don't think he ran away.

- Why not? - Your house is too secure.

Your father asked me to help him once.

No, I suspect he was taken.

- Your friends with our dad?

- Yes, good man your father.

It's unfortunate the way things worked out.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- Now let's check the device, shall we?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- There I've got it. - What have you got?

[dramatic instrumental music]

- [Martha] How did it go? [gasping]

- She bought it.

- Good, now take the dog back.

- Not so fast.

I've gotta look like I've been looking high and low.

That way when I swoop in with the dog,

she's gonna be ready to marry me.

I'm gonna be smart on this one.

[dramatic instrumental music]

- [Martha] And how do you plan to do that?

- What do you mean?

- How do you plan to accomplish this, smart pants?

- I plan on taking the dog back.

- What dog?

[dramatic instrumental music]

- Where'd he go?

- Did you close the door when you came in, smart pants?

- Oh crap, oh. [knocking at door]

- Hello.

- [Dave] Oh, hi.

- Couldn't help but notice you're in room 13.

- [Dave] Yes I am, it's a very comfy room.

- But you're not registered.

- I'm not? - Yeah.

- Oh well let's just correct that.

- Oh, how are you going to do that?

- I am gonna go down to the bank,

and I'm gonna come right back with your money.

- If you have to steal a room, I doubt you have any money.

[groaning]

Get up. [screaming]

[serene instrumental music]

- What the-- - That bum.

- He took Irving.

- I'm gonna tell mom.

- I did a background search on the license plates

and it seems that Dave Sparks is indeed a bum. [laughing]

A rather profound one, he's never had a job.

I say keep him away from your mother.

- I knew it.

- Wait 'til mom hears this.

- I think I'd tell your father first.

- Good idea, thanks.

- Oh my pleasure, I am happy to be of service.

Now, Justin, I'd lay off the pizza for a while.

- Dad? Can you come pick us up?

[dramatic instrumental music]

- Guys, what's going on?

- That guy Dave snatched Irving.

- What?

- He's after mom's money.

- Wait what money? - I'll explain later.

- Wait a minute, I know where to go.

[dramatic instrumental music]

- Pay up, you weasel. [groaning]

[dramatic instrumental music]

- Now get that dog.

[upbeat instrumental music]

- Yes, Mother.

[upbeat instrumental music]

Irving?

[upbeat instrumental music]

Come here.

[upbeat instrumental music]

[groaning]

[barking]

[upbeat instrumental music]

[groaning]

[barking]

Got ya.

[upbeat instrumental music]

[barking]

[groaning]

- [Amanda] Why are we here?

- [Nate] Cause Dave Sparks is in the room next to mine.

I think he's the one who stole my jacket. [groaning]

[doors closing]

- You okay, lady?

- Yeah, yeah.

- [Justin] We're looking for our dog.

- What's it look like?

- [Nate] Show her, show her.

- Yeah, yeah, right in there.

- Come on, kids.

[dramatic instrumental music]

My jacket, I knew it.

- Look.

- Irving. - They still have him.

[phone ringing]

- Hello?

- [Wendy] Nate, Irving's gone missing.

- [Nate] I know.

- [Wendy] He ran away.

- No, he was kidnapped.

- What, by who? - Dave Sparks.

- [Wendy] Really, Nate?

- We just found Irving's leash on Dave's bed.

- [Wendy] What?

- I'm sorry, he took the dog. - Why?

- [Nate] The kids told me about the lottery.

- [Wendy] I don't understand.

- He wants to marry you for your money.

[dramatic instrumental music]

- The motel lady said Irving got free.

- He could be anywhere. - Yeah.

- Wait, I have an idea. Irving and I used to go to a place.

- Okay well let's go there, let's go.

[dramatic instrumental music]

- [Justin] The park, Irving would definitely be here.

[dramatic instrumental music]

- Where are you, Irving? - Irving?

- Irving? - Irving, come here, boy.

Where are you? - Irving?

- [Amanda] Come back.

- Irving? - Irving, where are you?

- Irving? - Come here, boy.

- Irving? - Irving?

- Where are you? - Irving?

- Irving?

- Look, he's here somewhere.

- Okay, guys, go look over there. Go, come on.

- Go, go, go.

[dramatic instrumental music]

- Hurry, Justin. - I'm hurrying.

- [Wendy] Irving?

[dramatic instrumental music]

[growling]

- All right, Irving, it all ends here. [growling]

[upbeat instrumental music]

Come here. [groaning]

I'm gonna get you. [groaning]

[upbeat instrumental music]

[laughing]

[groaning]

Come here.

[upbeat instrumental music]

[barking]

Come here.

[upbeat instrumental music]

[groaning]

[upbeat instrumental music]

Oh, you rat.

[upbeat instrumental music]

[barking]

[buzzing]

[upbeat instrumental music]

[barking]

[laughing]

[upbeat instrumental music]

[buzzing]

[groaning]

[yelling]

Ow, ow.

Please, oh that hurts. Oh ho, oh not there.

[groaning]

[birds singing]

[upbeat instrumental music]

Got ya. [laughing]

- Hey, get your hands off our dog.

- Oh, see look, I found Irving.

I told you I was gonna find him and I did.

- You stole him! - What, me? Never.

- Why would you do that?

- My mother made me do it.

She abused me as a child. I have scars.

- Buddy, you really got it coming.

This woman is very special to me, the most amazing

person I ever met in my entire life.

And to think you tried to toy with her emotions

makes me sick.

[somber instrumental music]

She deserves someone who's gonna care for her.

When I was married to her, she always took care of me

and treated me like a king.

She was a great wife, and she's a wonderful mother.

She loves those kids more than life itself.

I never really appreciated that until it was too late,

and you don't deserve someone like that in your life.

[serene instrumental music]

[laughing]

- Now in my defense-- [groaning]

[laughing]

- [Justin] Go, Mom.

- I meant every word of that. - I know.

- Now let's go home. - Come on.

[groaning]

[serene instrumental music]

[groaning]

[serene instrumental music]

[barking]

[serene instrumental music]

[upbeat instrumental music]

- What happened to you?

- What didn't happen to me?

I got chased by a swarm of bees, I fell down

a really big hill, and I got punched out by a woman.

- Where's the dog? - They have him.

- So, were they happy? - No, they know we stole him.

- Crap. - Yeah.

- Well I guess this was a complete waste of time.

- Yeah, it was.

- I think I'm gonna go home now.

- All right, move over, I'll drive.

- No. - No?

Hey, Ma, unlock the door. - No.

- What do you mean no? Unlock the door.

- Time for you to spread your wings, David.

- Quit kidding, Ma. Ma, quit kidding.

Come on, Ma. What are you doing? Unlock the door. Ma.

What are you doing? Ma come back.

You can't leave me here, Ma. Come back here.

Oh, yeah, let's see how you do.

[serene instrumental music]

- Well hello, Madam. - Hello.

- Is this side of the bed taken?

- Why no it's not.

- Well I'm gonna snuggle in there.

- Snuggle away. [laughing]

[growling] - Irving. [laughing]

- He misses you. - Oh.

- He especially misses your farts at night, right?

- Well don't you? - Mom?

- [Wendy] Didn't you, Irving? [clearing throat]

- Dad? [laughing]

- What's up, guys?

- We just wanted to say goodnight.

- Well get in here. - Get over here.

- Come on. [laughing]

There you go, everybody together. [laughing]

[barking]

[serene instrumental music]

[barking]