All language subtitles for Blowing.Up.Right.Now.2019.1080p.WEB-DL.H264.AC3-EVO_track1_[eng]

[camera shutter clicking]

[man] Okay, yeah.

[camera shutter clicking]

[imitates snoring]

[exhales]

[camera shutter clicks]

How is that?

It's not it. I'll tell you that.

Oh, come on.

It's not happening yet,

but I swear we are almost done

and then you can go back to bed.

-[moans]
-Oh, no.

Babe, it's 8:13 on a Saturday,

I'm wearing makeup
and my nice pajamas.

My heart rate is increasing.

You look so beautiful.

I'm just asking you to relax.

-Believe me, I'm trying.
-I know.

But also,
like, you know, look happy.

Like smiling?

Yeah, but, you know,
you're sleeping.

Why would I smile
when I am asleep?

That's creepy.

You're not taking this
seriously.

-I'm so serious. I'm--
-It's very frustrating to me.

-Ooh!
-Wait.

-Where are you going?
-[man] I love it.

What are you doing?

Oh! Oh, God!

Just take the fucking photo.

[man] Mask up, mask up.

Ah, fine.

[camera shutter clicks]

I fucking love it.

-Great. You're happy?
-Yeah.

I am happy. Good.

[notification alert]

[woman exhales]

-No.
-What?

Nothing, it's a--
just a troll comment.

-What? I wanna see.
-You don't have to look at it.

[notification alert]

-It's kind of hurtful.
-Oh, my God! What an asshole.

Who would say that?
I'm gonna hit him back.

You don't need to hit him back,
you're not good at insults.

You are a stupid, ugly jerk
with an ugly, mean soul.

Okay, so you're gonna need
more than that

because that stuff's not
gonna really hit him that deep.

-Okay, fucking fucker.
-That's pretty good.

Loser living
in your whore mom's basement.

That's more
than I think is needed.

And I posted it.

-Did you really post that?
-I did.

You posted it?
My gal. Way to go.

Yeah.

-You don't have that big a head.
-Thank you.

-Yeah.
-I'm sensitive about it.

-And you're not basic.

Yeah.

-Can we take it down, Shep?
-We should take it down 100%.

I think it's too much.
I was gonna say that.

I don't really want
my co-workers

seeing my angry post.

But it's gone.
It's gone. It's done.

We can take another photo later.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Let's just enjoy the morning.

-Yeah.
-Yeah.

Yeah.

[Shep exhales]

[sad song plays]

¶ Guess
we never talked a lot ¶

¶ Played some records,
smoked some pot ¶

¶ She played
Yo La Tengo first ¶

¶ Damages just
makes things worse ¶

¶ Damages just
makes things worse ¶

¶ She tried to tell me
it was just for fun ¶

¶ Easy way
for us to both get some ¶

¶ I didn't beg
when she broke it off ¶

¶ Nowadays
we don't talk a lot ¶

¶ Nowadays
we don't talk a lot ¶

What's up, Shepheads?

Just wanted to update you
on the new piece.

Oh, and please head over
to my Etsy page

and order anything
you guys need.

Birthday, anniversary, whatever.

I got you.

Um, actually,
speaking of anniversary,

the one I'm working on
is actually kind of personal.

So, Mandy and I,
we met five years ago.

We were in college.

She was coming off a breakup.

I was coming off mono,

and we just fell madly in love.

So, we went and moved
across the country together.

We took shifts driving.

We bought our first house.

My parents bought the house,

but, you know, we picked it.

Felt like home.

Remember when I sold
my first piece?

Mandy made
such a big deal out of it.

It felt like I made it.

Then Mandy's career took off.

She got promoted

and she never looked back,

but I did help
pick out the pantsuits.

After five years,

there's nobody else
I'd rather be

on this crazy road
called life with.

And that's kind of what makes
this piece so personal.

It's the story
of the first time we met.

I'm living in New York
at the time.

I'm working on some stuff
in the park.

Out of nowhere,
this rainstorm comes.

[coffee grinder whirring]

[raising his voice] So I'm
scrambling to find shelter

and I end up
under this cherry blossom tree

and I look over
and she's there, too.

And I mean,

our eyes
just filled with hearts.

And the rest is history.

Um, all right, I gotta go, guys.
Thank you so much for watching.

I swear I will keep you guys
updated on everything.

Um, I gotta go.

Shep out. Bye, guys.

[taps key]

[exhales]

[notification alert]

[FanArtista4]
OMG, you are so good.

[Shep] You're so sweet.
Thanks for following.

[notification alert]

[FanArtista4]
She's a lucky girl.

[Shep] She's the best.

[notification alert]

[woman] Kiss emoji.

Oh! Fancy coffee.

Sounds like an interesting
version of events.

Well, that's our story.

I mean, it's only made up
for my family for Thanksgiving,

but that's been the story.

Oh, I thought
we decided on the one

where we met
at my work Christmas party

and we were both
shit-faced on nog.

That was a variation.
We only did that one time.

Cousin's wedding,
racist grandma was there,

she hears cherry blossoms,
triggers Asians in her head,

and then
it's a horrible series of--

Right, right, right.
Hard to keep track.

I just mean...

it just sounds super romantic.

Yeah, I hope so,

because if I don't move
some material soon,

I am officially in a dry spell.

[chuckles]

[Mandy] Shep,

I'm afraid we're going
to have to let you go.

I think we have to come to terms
with where this is heading.

I mean, neither of us are happy
with this situation, right?

We both need to figure out
what's best for the team.

You sound like one of those
HPV testing commercials.

I'm just trying
to let him down easy.

I can't help if my advertising
voice kicks in.

Yeah, but if you
sugarcoat everything,

he'll think you're not serious.

You have to break him.

Well, what do you
want me to say?

Say the magic is gone.

Say you need to feel again.

Say things haven't been the same

since he got you pregnant
in college

and forced you
to give up your dreams

to live in Burbank.

Fuck you, Alan.

I feel like you're bringing

some personal baggage into this.

What? Every couple of months,
you get all wound up

like you're gonna end things,
and then you always bitch out.

Well, it's not
like I don't love him.

It just seems like we're going
through the motions.

Something's missing.

We don't have
any of the little batteries.

-That's the problem.
-Guys, just get Netflix.

I promise you,
all the shows are there.

Just open the app,
you'll be so happy.

How's the drawing going?

Well, uh,
it's really good, actually.

I got some new followers

and some commissions
actually came in finally.

Actually, there's something I
kind of wanted to tell you guys.

Oh, boy.

I got the artist residency
in Oregon.

Had you told us
about that before?

-That sounds fantastic, though.
-Does it pay, like a job?

So, it's a state-run grant.

And so, basically, I get to,

you know, make art for a year,

and they'll just pay
all my living expenses,

which is really dope.

Oh, I see.
So what happens to our tenants?

[Shep] What happens?

They'll be in Oregon. Just
rent out the place for a year.

We'll be back in a year.
It won't be a big deal.

And Mandy is okay

pulling up stakes
just like that?

Yeah, Mandy and I
are doing great.

And I've been
sort of seeing this other guy.

[woman] Really?
Another guy already?

What's that supposed to mean?

[woman] What's his name?
I wanna stalk him.

[Mandy]
I don't wanna get into it.

Mandy, I am married and at home
with two horrendous children.

Give me this, please.

[scoffs]

Fine.

His name is Nick.

[notification alert]

[Mandy] I met him through work.

He's an athlete.

Wow, I get it.

How long
you've been hitting that?

I haven't hit anything.

We just talk a lot.

Uh, I don't know what to do

or how to tell Shep.

Look at his fucking triceps.

All right, great talk, Beth.

Ooh, if you feel
this strongly about it,

Shep's probably thinking
the same thing.

Strip the Band-Aid off.

Yeah, you're right.

Good luck.
Tell Shep I said hi and...

-Bye.
-[Beth] ...bye!

[notification alert]

[Nick] Hey, girl.
Just woke up thinking about you.

Wink face.

[Mandy chuckles]

[buzzing]

[upbeat music plays]

[Mandy speaking indistinctively
on the phone]

...by Friday, but I'm not sure
if we're going to have time

for the team meeting
before then,

which is what I am
actually really concerned about.

So that will--

I know.

-Well, okay.
-Bye.

-Hi.
-Hey.

-Hey!
-[Mandy] Hey, Derek.

-Good morning. How's it going?
-Great, great.

Um, we will have
our regular order

of two ethical omelets
with side of greens

instead of hash browns
this time.

-The greens just came in.
-[cell phone ringing]

They are super fresh and--
No phone zone!

Really fresh.

[laughs]

You really take that no phone
zone thing seriously, don't you?

Oh, yeah.
It's all about atmosphere here.

-I guess so. Okay.
-Okay.

Um, is there any way
I can just throw in

the side of a biscuit?

All right.
Add one biscuit. 28.42.

Shep, I thought we had
an agreement, solidarity diet.

You know I am
slightly allergic to gluten.

I know.

I promise, I'm eating real fast,
you're not gonna feel a thing.

[Derek] Food will be right out.
You guys have a self-caring day.

-[Mandy] Thank you.
-Thank you.

You know what it is?

It's like, I get that these
plays wanna be cool and hippy,

but like at a certain point--

Oh, hey!
He's on my marketing team.

Oh, do you wanna go talk--
I guess we wanna talk to him.

-Hey, guys!
-[man] How's it going?

What's up?

[man] I-- I didn't know
you liked this place.

Oh, I love this spot.
Bottomless mimosas.

-Every-- every Saturday.
-Can't go wrong.

-Yep.
-Yeah.

Oh, um, this is my... boyfriend.

Right, Shep.

You guys are still together.

Yep, yeah, we're still together.

[chuckles]

Mandy says you work from home.

That is so fun.

Very fun,
but actually I just got

this artist residency
in Oregon, so--

-You did?
-Yeah.

It's only for a year,

but it's gonna be really fun.

It's really prestigious.

Wow, congrats.

It's nice,
'cause I just don't think

we're corporate people,
you know.

So soul-sucking and sad--

You know,
why don't you go get us a table?

Okay.

Great talking to you, buddy.

Seems like a nice guy.

[Mandy]
He's-- He's really sweet.

[Shep] I mean, what a dick.

You're the one
who's being a dick.

"Is he still your boyfriend?"

-Well--
-That's real nice.

I think the hot take
from that conversation

was you getting a--

Artist residency.

Yeah, and not telling me
about it.

Well, I was gonna
tell you about it.

When? The day
you packed your bags?

No, I just figured we'd go.

You know my parents
will rent out the place

and we'll start fresh.

Shep, I have a life here.

Yeah, I know,
but it's only for a year.

And, by the way,

the Pacific Northwest
is beautiful.

[Mandy] I can't just
quit my job.

Why not?

I mean, honestly, why not?

What an adventure, you know?

We live in a car,
wanderlust, hashtag van life.

Maybe we're not
those people anymore.

We grew up.

Yeah. No, you're right.
We grew up. And you know what?

We'll do long-distance,
and I'm gonna make it work.

-You're gonna love it.
-For a year?

[Shep] Yes, for a year.
We'll make it work for a year.

What do you want to do?
Break up?

-I mean, commitment--
-Oh, my God!

Uh, I'm so relieved
you brought this up.

What did I bring up?
The residency?

Shep, I'm afraid

we're...

going to have to let you go.

Go to Oregon? Yeah. That's kind
of what we're talking about.

I think we have to come to terms
with where this is heading.

I mean, neither of us are happy
in this situation, right?

We both need to figure out
what's best for the team.

Team, what team?

We've had some great moments,

but change can be a good thing
for both parties.

Rehearsed. You rehearsed this.

You rehearsed
your breakup speech.

No.

Yeah.

Oh, this is really hard for me.

I-- You just
brought it up so casually.

-I was kidding.
-Oh.

I was so clearly kidding.

So that's it?

So you just wanna end
this relationship right now?

I-- I don't know.

Did I change?
Did I lose the spark?

It's not you, it's me?
Either, you know, euphemisms.

Shep...

[beeping]

...I have to tell you--

-Is that mine?
-I don't know.

What-- what if we do
couples therapy?

Or we can get a dog.
Or we can, you know, maybe--

Shep, you need to see this.

"Ballistic missile inbound."

[Mandy] Gotta be a fake, right?

I'll verify.

-It's on my phone, too.
-It's on all my news alerts.

Hashtag pray for LA
is already trending.

[car alarm goes off]

[Mandy] Holy shit.

[dog barking]

[Shep] People are freaking out.

We wouldn't be able to see
anything yet, right?

-Would we?
-No, we wouldn't.

Forty-five minutes to an hour
for a missile to make it

from Southeast Asia to here,
unless, of course,

it's intercepted
by a defense missile.

-[Shep] Oh, my God!
-This is fucking crazy!

[Shep] The neighbors
are packing their dog.

Are we still breaking up?

[PA] All personnel
take shelter immediately.

[reporter] Los Angeles
has the worst gridlock.

[reporter 2]
Desperate parents put

their children into containers.

[reporter 3]
The terrifying message

screened across cell phones
throughout the city.

The exact payload
of these alleged missiles

is anyone's guess.

[reporter 4]
They do know that it is headed

straight to Los Angeles.

Next up,
we'll have tips and tricks

on how to avoid the blast
and best stay alive

during these dark moments.

Oh, my God!

Get under your desk, kids.

Nuclear holocaust is coming.

-Oh, my God!
-Fuck!

I don't wanna die.
I don't wanna die.

I never went
to Harry Potter Land.

-What land?
-[Shep] Harry Potter Land.

It's an amusement park,

and you get to drink Butterbeer
and you get sorted.

-I'll never get sorted--
-You're freaking out!

-Just breathe!
-Okay, yeah.

I actually feel
a lot better that I--

Shut the fuck up, Shep!
We're not gonna die!

Sorry, sorry.
Fight or flight response.

Okay. It's okay.

Let's just take a deep breath.

[siren wailing in the distance]

[both exhale]

Okay, now
let's not do anything rash

like end our relationship.

Not really the time.

Well, was there ever a time?

[notification alert]

People are getting out of town.

-Flight!
-Flight!

[Shep]
I'm gonna grab some stuff.

[Mandy] Meet me at the car
in five minutes.

You changed?
We're on a timeline.

I got sweat.

-You're bringing the mixer?
-It's my favorite appliance.

Plus, you're bringing
all those Nintendo's.

Yeah, 'cause they increase
in value

both financially
and sentimentally.

We are not bringing
your hard drives.

This is my life's work.

You can always draw
more pictures.

Wow, you're a monster.

Fine, then we're making space
for my scrapbooks.

Okay, yes, but--

But what? Your sentimental shit
is more important than mine?

Okay, okay, okay.
We just need to go.

We need to go, please.

I'm gonna take my guitar.

-You've never played it.
-I might. I might.

How is this going in?
Have you ever played Tetris?

-101 is backed up.
-Thanks for the update.

Yeah, well, the 45
might be worse, I don't know.

-Are you using Waze?
-Of course, I'm using Waze.

101, take it. We're good.

-Better be right.
-I will be.

-Keep an eye on the road.
-I am. I am.

There are people.
There are people in the road.

[Mandy] I get it.

[car horns honking]

[Shep]
Why did we listen to Waze?

Why did we ever listen to Waze?

[Mandy sighs]

Yeah, I'm not doing this. Okay?

I don't wanna be
stuck in traffic

if we're gonna get blown up.

All right, let's go back.

Okay, let's go. Let's go.

We're going back.

Heads up.

We're coming back.

Okay.

All right, all we gotta do is
we gotta find

some place
we can get to on foot.

-[notification alert]
-[Nick] You okay?

Let me know
if you need a place to be.

[Shep] Please, we cannot find--

Ten fucking minutes.

What?

We spent ten whole minutes

sitting in traffic and--

and I don't know how much time
we have left

because every single
news organization,

they're all saying
something different,

and that's ten whole minutes

that I could have spent on--
on--

On what? On yelling at me?

Yeah!

I don't know.

[sobs]

[siren wailing in the distance]

[Mandy sighs]

[Shep] Look, I'm scared too.

And if you want me to go,
or if you wanna go, whatever--

whatever makes you feel
most comfortable,

it is totally okay with me.

This is as safe as anywhere.

This is home.

And so, but to be clear, though,
we are still together?

We can-- we can break up
after the world ends.

Okay? What do we do now?

[siren wailing in the distance]

I've got some ideas.

¶ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ¶

¶ Clock in
when the mood strikes ¶

¶ I do what a boss likes ¶

¶ Slow pokes,
they look twice ¶

¶ Cold bitch, I'm a klondike ¶

¶ Fuck boys get curved tough ¶

¶ When a girl gang,
gang roll up ¶

¶ Make a beeline
for the green room ¶

¶ I get money to show up ¶

¶ I'm speaking at grad night ¶

¶ I'm living that rap life ¶

¶ I'm sleeping like a baby ¶

¶ I work hard
and I act right ¶

¶ I'm that chick,
smoke paper planes ¶

¶ Pull bad boys
on my lunch break ¶

Ooh, I have never done that
before. I have no clue.

Do you have
any more nails or screws?

Do you really think
all this is necessary?

Uh, yeah,
there's looters outside.

Like, these boarded up windows,
is, like, all we have.

Good call.

Are you ready for this?

Ready for what?

Three, two, one.

¶ Ta-da ¶

[sighs]

Really?

As far as coffins go,

this one isn't that bad.

Are you gonna come in?

[Shep sighing] Okay, all right.
What did you make?

-[Mandy] Come on!
-[Shep] What did you do?

-[Mandy] Come on!
[Shep] Oh, look at this.

As panic breaks out
all across the city,

Fred Marzula
brings us breaking news

from our LA streets.

-[Fred] Sir, sir!
-I can't.

-What is it that you're doing?
-It's bullshit. It's bullshit.

The freeways are not designed
to handle this kind of mass--

this kind of mass panic.

I gotta paddle out of here.

[Fred] You're gonna try

to make a clear shot to safety

-on the LA River?
-What?

I don't know if it's gonna work,
but I got a try.

Godspeed to you.

[man shouts]

What is this? What is the news?
Why do we watch this?

[Fred] I can't, Kim.

[sobbing]
It's my kid's birthday today.

I missed the last seven.
I'm-- God!

[Shep] People watch
other people panic.

Meanwhile, they spend no time

with the ones
they actually care about.

Yeah, totally.

-I'm gonna try and call Beth.
-Okay.

It's sort of the opposite
of what I was trying to--

[Fred crying]

Well, it's like
he's crying super hard.

[Fred screams]

Well...

Mandy, we have been
friends forever.

You know how I feel about you.

Come on, just say it back.

-I don't need to say it back.
-You're crazy.

Just say, "I love you."
Don't be weird about it.

[Beth] You're the one
who's being weird about it.

You're gonna be fine.

It's just a scare. That's all.

What if it's not?

What if-- what if this
is the last time we talk?

Well, if you're worried
about it, you can go out there

and find yourself some group
of bearded Doomsday Preppers,

but they are going
to expect things.

You're such an asshole.

[Beth exhales]

You too.

Call me later.

Okay. I will.

-[Beth] Bye!
-Bye.

[father] What do you mean
there's nowhere to go?

[mother]
Did you try the airport?

Yep, yep. We tried the airport.

Um, there's just--

Everybody's trying the airport.
So, that's--

What are you talking about?
Don't think negative.

-Try Delta. Try Delta.
-Nobody flies Delta.

Exactly.

Delta? Guys, please.

Let's stay focused here. Uh...

Oh, boy. You know--

Look, you are overreacting.

This is one
of those false flag operations,

just like Korea.

That's not what CNN is saying.

Oh, don't get me started
on them.

That Anderson Cooper...

Oh, I love you both so much.

Please just shut up.

I think I'm in serious trouble.

And I know
I'm kind of a screw-up

and a loser, and, um,

you've basically had
to support me

my entire adult life,

and I never say thank you

because I'm embarrassed
about it,

but...

thank you so much.

You're just the best.

I'm just so lucky
that you're my parents

And I love you both.

-Mom.
-[static noise]

Dad. Mom.

Yep.

[sighs]

God.

This sucks.

[Shep talking in the distance]

[Shep] How much it meant to me,

how much it affected my life

and that I love each
and every one of you so much--

-Oh, fuck off.
-Mandy.

We could die at any moment,
and you're sobbing to your fans?

-We all grieve in our own ways.
-They are strangers that bought

some of your sketches
on the internet.

These are not strangers.

You should be thinking about me,
Shep, not these assholes.

What do you want me
to think about?

Okay, you know what, Mandy?

Here we go.

Fine.

Here it is.

You have my undivided attention.
What's up?

Is this near-death thing
making you super horny?

That is not what I thought
you were gonna say.

-Yeah.
-Yeah, me, too.

I can't believe
we're doing this.

-It's been like two months.
-You've been keeping track?

I have to keep track. I mean--

Well, since this is
our last night,

we should make it count.

[Mandy] Ah,
this is working for me. Yeah.

Oh, oh, I think we have to go
a little bit higher.

Yeah, yeah.

-Oh, oh, that's nice.
-Yeah.

[Mandy] Ah, ah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-That's it.
-I don't like it.

I don't like this at all.

-This hurts me.
-Just-- just keep going.

Keep going, yeah.

-Yeah.
-Off. I want you off.

[Mandy] That's good. Come on,
just a little bit longer.

Mandy!

-[Shep groans]
-[Mandy] All right.

Oh, oh, time out.

Time out. Oh, I don't--

I'm out. I'm out.

-Okay.
-[Shep] Yeah.

-Yeah.
-Yeah.

-This is good.
-Yeah, this is good.

-Yeah, this works.
-Yeah, I'm doing it right.

-Yeah.
-That's it.

-Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. We got it.
-I'm in there.

Ridiculous.

[Mandy] My right leg goes--

I'm not
an American Ninja Warrior guy.

That's impossible.
I can't physically do that.

And then you just spin my body
underneath you?

I think I spin.

You spin?

Did you finish?

Yeah.

That was great.

[Mandy chuckles]

Actually,
I don't wanna lie to you.

I didn't, and that wasn't
great at all.

Thank you for being honest.

Um, yeah,
it was terrible for me.

I was scared.

[Mandy chuckles]

But you came, more than once.

Yeah.

I mean, that's not--

You can't go off that.

Guy's come, easy.

It's not tricky.

Well, at least you had fun,
you know. I just--

It's my last day on Earth,

and I didn't even
have an orgasm.

Oh, that's so sad.

-Oh, no.
-I'm so sorry.

-It's not your fault.
-I'm sorry.

It's not your fault.
It's not your fault.

I just wanted it to be special

and just not another
Tuesday night, you know?

-Are we that boring?
-A little bit.

That's why you don't throw down
with me anymore?

No, we just got out of sync.

That's why you got
that new vibrator?

Uh, how do you know about that?

Literally, I go to the door,
and there's this package,

and it says "Vibes Firm."

[Mandy laughs]

And I was like,
"Well, that's obvious."

And then I just sat there
with it sad.

-[Mandy laughs]
-[Shep chuckles]

Well, I--
You know, my last one wore out.

-You wore it out?
-Well, it broke.

-You broke it?
-Then it wore out.

You broke and wore it out?

What did you do
to that poor thing?

You know, sometimes
it just happens.

It's a normal thing.

You rubbed it out so many times

that the rubbing out device
quit.

-It gave up on life.
-You're not funny.

-I'm kind of funny.
-No.

Come on, what's there
to be embarrassed about?

You know, we've both been busy.

We've both been really busy.

When a couple's been together
for four years,

sometimes things
just naturally slow down.

Five years.

[Mandy] Sure, sure.
Whatever you want to call it.

Five years. I mean, it's been--

I call it five years,
it's five years.

Yeah, just don't take it
personally, you know?

Plus, we've got
all this added pressure

of the end of the world
right now.

Yeah, there is
a lot of pressure.

[Shep] I wish we just
could do something

to, like, relieve it all.

I've got an idea.

[water splashes]

Oh, my God!

I cannot believe
we are genuinely talking

about drinking the Kool-Aid.

Swear?

What am I swearing to?

Once the time comes,

we both take a huge swig of this

and we'll be together
at the end.

Okay.

[Shep chuckles]

Sorry, I'm nervous.
It's my first suicide pact.

I don't know
if it's a kill shot,

but it will at least numb
any chance of feeling any pain.

-In theory.
-Well, we don't have a gun.

Maybe we could asphyxiate
each other?

Oh, please, you don't have
the balls to kill yourself.

I absolutely do.

Ooh, don't worry,
when you need me,

I've got your back, buddy.

Do not touch me

after saying
something like that.

That's horrific.

I meant it.

I don't wanna die yet.

Do you wanna have,
like, a final meal or something?

-Yeah.
-Okay.

Let's eat.

[laughs]

[Shep] This popcorn
is the best thing

that ever happened to me.

[Mandy mumbles]

I have no clue
what you just said,

but I loved every minute of it.

Holy fuck, I miss gluten.

For the life of me,
I don't understand

why people shit on it so much.

Some people have celiac disease

and it kind of makes you fat.

Yeah, but you just don't eat it
'cause it's fashionable.

Shut up!

You read it in a magazine
and you did it.

That's how you make
life decisions.

-[Mandy] Shut up.
-It's true.

Don't hit me with bread.

I'm saying it.

That was fun.

I'm just saying I feel

like we don't talk like this
anymore.

-Stop hitting me.
-What do you mean?

We don't talk. We never talk.

What? I talk to you
all the time.

No. Like talk, talk, you know?

Like, we talk, but, like,
we used to talk about nothing.

Remember, like, nothing.

[Mandy] Mm...

I miss being excited
to tell you all my stories

and making you laugh.

[Shep chuckles]

It was so romantic.

Why don't we talk about it
right now?

I don't-- What do you
gotta say to me?

[Shep] It was an empty promise

and I didn't have anything
ready to go.

What if we write it down?

Like, make obituaries
for each other?

[Shep] Yeah.

Well, that's so dark.
I love it. Let's do it.

[Shep hits the table]
It is happening.

-We're doing it.
-Let's do it.

I used to be a lot cooler.
I feel like--

It's something out of the bread.

Oh, you were never cool.

But that's what I liked
about you.

[Mandy chuckles]

That's the best thing
I've ever written.

-I'm ready.
-All right, me too.

One, two, three.

Enjoy.

Here we go.

[clears his throat]

"Shepherd Ellie Keller
liked to cook, take selfies,

was great at drawing pictures."
Those are true.

Ooh, I like the way
that sounded.

Very good.
This a good obituary so far.

Thank you.

"I'll never forget the day
Shep and I first met,

when I was backpacking
in Europe.

There was no room
on the train to Paris,

he gave up his seat for me,
and I felt obliged

to buy him dinner
when we arrived."

What?

That's our meet-cute story.

That's the story I thought
we were on the same page about.

Yeah. No. I mean, that's
definitely a story we made up

to tell your friends in college
'cause you were too insecure

to say how we actually met.

Well, if anybody
ever reads these,

we wanted to seem
like we were in love.

Weren't we? What?

There's five minutes
left on Earth,

you can't be honest
with me right now?

Honest? Let's unpack

some of the insightful stuff
you've got here.

I don't know why you're
saying it that way,

I feel very confident in it.

"After moving to the West Coast,
Mandy worked hard at her career.

She liked scrapbooking,

walking dogs,
and going to brunch."

-All true.
-I don't even like dogs.

We had a dog!
You liked that dog.

Okay, liking your own dog

versus liking
other people's dogs

is a totally different thing.

How am I supposed
to differentiate that

in an obituary?

What are you talking about?

I was in the ballpark.

Okay, Shep, the thing is, like,

why did you have
to Wikipedia me like that?

You have a bunch
of ordinary things about you

that I think
are really romantic.

That's the whole point.

Did we ever even know
each other at all?

Well, that's not good.

[Mandy] Oh.

The Wi-Fi and reception
are gone.

[Shep] Yeah, the power's out.

[helicopter whirring]

[siren wailing]

-[Shep] Okay, okay.
-[Mandy] Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

This is the juice.
This is the juice, just in case.

You put our suicide juice in
temperature-controlled bottles?

Yeah.

That is the most Mandy thing
you've ever done.

-Mm-hm.
-[Shep] Wow.

Any last words?

[Mandy exhales]

Yeah, I just, uh...

I guess by this point
I thought--

I thought I'd be,
I don't know, happier, you know?

Like-- like,

I'd have the home I want,

or the job I want.

The you I want.

I'm not the me you want?

Yeah, you know, things just--

just don't go the way you hope
they will sometimes, you know?

And no matter how hard
you try and--

and you look around,

and you think things will get
a little bit better,

and then-- and then they do

but--

but it's the same.

Because you're the same.

Yeah. I never did anything
with my life, and now it's over.

-[Mandy] You did something.
-No, I didn't. No, I didn't.

I fucked around on the internet.

The only good thing I have going
in this life is you,

and you're disappointed in me.

And I see it,
and it makes me sad.

And I'm s-- I'm just sorry.

Shep.

[explosion]

-[Mandy moans]
-Oh, shit.

[Mandy] Oh, my God!
Fucking shit!

We should,
like, pray or something.

Why are we pr-- I haven't been
to a synagogue in years.

Okay, well,
I went to Catholic school

for a couple years.

I'm a little more agnostic
now, but--

-Yeah.
-It's okay.

Okay. All right, here we go.

-Um, dear God, Jesus, Allah...
-Yeah.

-...Hinduism guy.
-Mm-hm.

-Okay, okay. Buddha! Buddha.
-Yes.

Just in case. Just in case.

Forgive us
for all the things we did do,

or-- or didn't do.

-Amen.
-Amen.

We're in massive debt,
by the way.

-What?
-[Shep] Yeah.

I'm so sorry.
I have to get this off my chest.

I-- I've been borrowing
from my parents for years.

I do your taxes.
I know everything.

Even about that poorly-timed
Bitcoin investment?

Oh, I didn't know about that.

Thank you so much
for telling me.

[explosion]

-Jesus!
-Oh, my God!

Oh, my God, I cheated on you.

-What?
-I cheated on you.

I'm really, really, sorry.

We were having problems,
and it was--

It was empty
and meaningless and--

And it's over now, okay?

I just-- I just needed
to get that off my chest.

Okay.

You know what?

People sometimes make a mistake

every now and again,
and once in a while--

It was more than once.

-I forgive you.
-[Mandy] Really?

Yeah. Yeah, I do.

I do.

I love you and I always will.

Me too.

[whoosh]

[beeping]

-[Mandy] Oh, my God!
-What happened?

-Where's my phone?
-[Shep] I got your phone.

Okay, okay. I have your phone.

What?

[Mandy chuckles]

-False alarm?
-False fucking alarm!

Oh, my God! Whoever said
we're gonna die today,

I hope he fucking burns in hell.

-Right?
-I thought we were dead.

I thought-- Oh, my--

Oh.

-I was so scared.
-Me too.

I think I shit myself.

For real? That's so gross.
But kind of me too.

I am so, so, so happy.

That we didn't die?

I can think
of a couple other reasons.

[Shep sighs]
It's gonna sound weird,

but it's like I am almost glad
all this happened

because we got to spend
this time together.

Let's make the most of it.

Ooh, wow!

-This place is a disaster.
-Well, we destroyed our house.

We destroyed it, and my parents
are not gonna be thrilled.

[Mandy sighs]

Wow, people
are really celebrating.

-Yeah, and looting, actually.
-[siren wailing in the distance]

A lot of looting happening.

It's a very diverse country
we live in, you know?

You know what?
We should celebrate.

I've still got some
end-of-the-world champagne.

Oh, crack that open.

I have completely lost
my buzz at this point.

[notification alert]

I have your phone by the--

[Nick] Today was crazy.

Wanted to let you know
in case anything happens...

I love you.

[Mandy] Found it!

So, this guy
you cheated on me with.

Who was he?

Does it matter?

I mean, I'm curious.

It was just some guy
I met at work.

Some guy?

It was barely a thing.

Yeah, I mean a thing
you had sex with.

I did not have sex with him.

Really?

-Sexting doesn't count.
-[Shep] I knew it!

Five minutes ago,
you forgave me.

I lied.

You lied to me right before
we were about to be killed?

Yeah, I was trying to be nice.

Listen to me,

I was
in this weird emotional place

just looking for--

You know, I don't even know
what I was looking for, but it--

it's over now.

-You don't talk to him at all?
-Of course, not.

[Shep] Not even
via a text message or something?

Why would I text him?

Okay.

Can I see your phone?

Your lack of trust
is frankly disturbing.

Unlock your phone.
We will confirm everything.

-I don't want to.
-Why not?

I forgot my code.

Five, five, five, five.

-I got it.
-It's low on battery.

[notification alert]

You're gonna get that?
'Cause it could be important.

It can wait.

-[notification alert]
-Can we please knock up the--

-Well, that's normal.
-Why won't you just let this go?

Because I just saw
a text message

from some guy named Nick
saying he loved you.

-That's why.
-Okay, that's crazy.

Why would Nick say
something like that?

[Shep] Yeah, well he did.

Okay, he spelled love "LUV,"
so--

You have been distant
for months.

You'll only have sex with me
when the world's about to end,

and now this dude

is sending you text messages
saying he loves you.

You were gonna move away
to Oregon for a year

and just hope our relationship
sorts itself out.

[Shep] You've been distant.

I was gonna go to Oregon

'cause it was
an exciting opportunity

that you should've
been happy about.

I am not gonna be
distant anymore.

I wanna make this work.

Give me an honest answer.

What would have happened today
if the world didn't almost end?

What does it matter?

I'm sorry.

[sad music plays]

-[Mandy] Where are you going?
-Um, my parents' place, maybe.

Will you be coming back?

I don't know.

I think we should--

Here, let me help you.

Please don't.
I don't need your help.

Can you at least
text me or something?

I think we gotta talk
about some stuff.

[panting] There's nothing left
to say, Mandy.

I need time and I need space
to figure this out.

Goodbye, Mandy.

What?

Hey! That's our stuff.

[thief] Hey, there they are.

She's just kidding.
You guys are doing great.

Carry on, please.

Okay. Okay.

[Mandy] Okay.

Okay.

[hammering]

Ooh, I think
they're taking my scrapbooks.

Fuck you,
you thieving pieces of shit!

[Shep] Great,
now he's gonna come this way.

[thief] Hey!
Hey, it's not worth it.

It's not worth it.

Open up, open up!

Do you think
we should call the police?

I think a lot people are calling
the police right now.

Let's board this thing up
and hope they move on.

Okay.

-[Shep] Come on, hurry!
-[Mandy] Get out of the way.

[pounding on the door]

So, I guess this means
you're staying...

[glass breaks]

Let's just take a break.

Let's not talk anymore, okay?

-Okay.
-Thank you.

[sighs]

[reporter 1] It's crazy
that, in this day and age,

something like this
could happen.

[reporter 2] Whose fault is it?

Is it in the government?
Is it cellphone companies?

[reporter 1] It's whoever
has their finger on that button,

that's whose fault it is.

[reporter 2]
Well, this city's lost its mind.

The whole city
was totally unprepared.

People are hiding in dumpsters,
there was looting.

[reporter 1] Well, some guy was
trying to kayak in the ocean

and die of dehydration.

[reporter 2] That's what I am
talking about, but keep in mind,

lives were lost here
because of the false alarm.

There were accidents
on the roads,

there were even suicides.

[reporter 1] It's all
about accurate information.

We gotta stop listening
to amateur unconfirmed sources,

of course, and we've gotta
get off Twitter.

[reporter 2]
Well, at least it reminds us

of what's most important.

[knocking on the door]

[reporter 1] Yeah,
be close to your loved ones.

Jesus, are they still here?
Come on.

[whispering]
You're fucking kidding me.

[whispering]
Looters? Still here?

I wish.

[man] Mandy?

Mandy, anyone home?

-Who's that?
-Nobody.

Mandy, it's Nick! Open up!

Fucking Nick is here?

No, I think it's still
one of the looters.

we should probably
call the cops or something.

That's the guy?

No, that's not the guy.

What did you even see in me?

Unbelievable.

That's him.

I've never seen that page
before in my life.

You liked most of the photos.

[Nick] Hello?

[Shep] Do you wanna answer him?

[Shep exhales]

Nick!

Hey, Mandy. You all right?

You weren't answering
your phone.

I've been busy.

What are you doing here?

I had to see you.

-That's crazy.
-I know, I know,

but the thing is about
how batshit insane today was

made me realize how much
I care about you and us.

-Nick, Nick, please, not now.
-[Nick] Just hear me out.

I'm in love with you.

And the thought of taking
that long rail into the sky

is what gave me
a new perspective.

That you're the one I wanna
be with, you know?

You were saying
how you weren't happy

and already thinking
about making a change, so...

I'm here.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I-- I wouldn't say that.

I didn't say that.

Is, uh, someone else in there?

Oh, what's up, tank top?

You ride your little bike
over here?

Hey, man.

During the middle of a crisis
to do all this?

You think that's a cool move?

Dude, I'm sorry.

I thought you guys
would be broken up by now.

Oh, did you think
we'd be broken up by now?

You guys talk about it
beforehand?

-Have a little strategy?
-[Nick chuckles]

Shep, please go back inside.

[Shep exhales]

Maybe this was a bad time.

No, no, no. You know what?

This was--
This was bound to happen.

Nick, I'm afraid we're going
to have to let you go.

I think we have to come to terms
with where this is heading.

I mean, neither of us are happy
in this situation, right?

We both need to figure out
what's best for the team.

We've had some great moments,

but change can be a good thing
for both parties.

Fun fact, she used
that same speech on me.

[Mandy] No, no, it's similar.

But, you know,
I made a couple of edits.

Recycled breakup speech?

Wow! That's cold.

Yes, she's a sociopath.
Do you know that?

You know,
I'm not good with words

when it's
an emotional thing, okay?

I have to rehearse.

So, what we had, it was...

not real?

I was-- I was messed up.

Okay? I used you for something

that it just
wasn't going anywhere.

I'm really sorry.

It's okay, Mandy, you know?

I respect you.

You too, Shep.

I'm glad you guys
are working it out.

You don't get
to ride away from this.

What are you doing, Shep?

I'm about to punch this guy
in the face, move.

No, no, no.
This is not a good idea. Shep.

[Shep] Come back here. Come on.
You wanna come here?

You wanna try to take
my girlfriend?

Let's go.
You wanna do this? Let's go.

I'm a trained pacifist.

I'm not gonna fight,

but I will protect my body.

I hate your body.

Shep, come on.
Don't embarrass yourself.

-[Nick grunts]
-[Shep groans]

[Mandy] Oh, Shep!

[Shep groaning]

-Let it out.
-Nick, stop it.

Let it out. Let it out.

Breathe. Breathe.

Shep.

[Shep panting]

Shh!

My phone's always on
if you need to talk.

[Shep grunts]

Sorry about your car
getting broken into.

Yeah!

[Mandy] It's not
like I invited him over.

Shep, please talk to me.

[Shep panting]

[sad music plays]

[exhales]

Fuck.

[sighs]

Fuck.

Oh, no.

No, no, no, no, no!

[notification alert]

[FanArtista4]
OMG. Are you okay?

[Shep]
Been better, a little betrayed.

[notification alert]

[FanArtista4] I can't believe
she did that to you.

Let me know if you wanna
talk about it.

[Shep]
What are you up to right now?

[sad music plays]

[steps approaching]

Oh, hey.

I was just working
on some stuff.

Anyway, it-- it doesn't matter.

The point is...

I know a lot of shit
went down today and...

you're obviously
still mad at me.

I mean, why wouldn't you be?

But, you know,
no relationship is perfect.

We have our problems,

but if we can just talk
about this like adults,

I think we can get past it.

[notification alert]

[Shep] Give me one second.

Hey, yeah.

You gotta go
through the window, actually.

We completely panicked
with the door. Now it's--

We can't undo it,
what we've done.

It's like the Taj Mahal,
though, right?

That's how you get
through the Taj--

Wow, it's so much smaller
than it looks online.

Well, that's the webcam,
sort of.

Can I help you?

Oh, wow! You're Mandy.

Oh, my God!
Your skin is so glowy in person.

Who are you?

This is FanArtista4.

Okay...

I go by Kim IRL.

Yeah, I've been
a real big fan of Shep's

ever since he posted
this drawing you did

of the cast of Friends,
but they were ducks.

Mm-hm, that was--
that was a good one.

Yeah, I-- you've seen it?
It's so funny.

She's seen it. She loves it.

And I haven't seen your posts
since, like, years ago.

Remember when you got bangs
that one summer?

Uh... Sort of. I don't--

[FanArtista4] I just
can't believe I'm actually

standing in your house,
you know?

Usually I'm just driving by
while you're sleeping.

I'm just kidding.

Oh, that's very funny.

Okay, nice to meet you.

Oh, wow! Cool juicing up.

What the fuck is she doing here?

She's my friend, hanging out.

[Mandy]
Not right now, you're not.

[Shep]
Uh, you got to have a friend.

Oh, that's bullshit,
and you know it.

FanArtista4, how would you like
to see my studio?

Tots.

Tots.

You can actually
cut through right there.

No, I know.

[Shep] Okie dokie, that's it.

[cell phone rings]

Mandy, what the fuck?
Where have you been?

Glad to know
you're okay too, Beth.

-Have you seen what's going on?
-[Mandy] Yeah, yeah.

The thing was a false alarm

and it completely destroyed
my relationship.

-[Beth] Oh, you don't know.
-Know what?

Your feed is famous.

There's like jiffs or gifs or
whatever the fuck you call them

of you guys banging each other.

It's like crazy.

That's impossible.

Nobody gives a shit
about Shep's stuff.

[Beth] You know, maybe
you should take those down.

I mean, good for you for finally
breaking up with him, but like--

Oh, my God.

[romantic music
playing over stereo]

So today's been
pretty crazy, huh?

[Shep sighs]

It's been so crazy.

[sighing] I know.

Do you have life insurance?

-What?
-[FanArtista4] Life insurance.

Like, in case
anything ever happens to you?

No.

No, I don't think most people
my age have life insurance.

I think that's, like,
an old person thing, right?

No, anyone can get it.
I have it.

I'm not old.

Okay.

Yeah. I mean, that's-- Okay.

Hey, will you draw me
like one of your instagirls?

-[FanArtista4 chuckles]
-[Shep chuckles]

Okay, yes.

Yes, I will.

'Cause you are an instagirl.

Um, all right.

So, if you were to die,

would the value
of your work go up?

What?

Um, I think it's relative,
I think.

I know, but, like,
even a little bit, you know,

like, say, someone were
to come in here

and slit your throat

while you're sleeping,

hypothetically.

[laughs]

Sure, hypothetically,

I would say that, you know,
I'm not that famous.

So, I don't think death
would do anything for me

at the moment.

Oh, no, you're--
Here's the thing.

You're, like, super popular,

and all great artists
have had a really tragic ending.

You know, if you wanted to,
you could be

the van Gogh of Pinterest,

but you'd have both your ears.

But that's a good thing, right?

To have both ears.

It's like a-- a positive.

I can hear everything.

So, I don't wanna lose those.

It's just something
to think about.

I can try--
Thank God you're here. She is--

-What are you doing?
-Why didn't you tell me

thousands of people
were watching us?

Yeah, well,
why did you cheat on me?

-Not the same.
-Kind of the same.

Oh, my gosh!

So, your guys' relationship
is like crazy toxic.

I know I've just been
a casual observer

for a very long time,
but may I just say

that the cycle
of emotional abuse

does have to stop somewhere
and--

-Kim, right?
-Yeah.

Are you done?

Yeah, I think
I got what I came for, so...

So thank you for the scene.

I'm gonna grab this.

Um, it's gonna get me
a lot of likes.

Thank you.

But more than likes,

I mean, you had
a good time in here?

Oh.

Oh, if either of you
wanna follow me, or um--

[Mandy] I want you
to take down every picture,

every post, every fucking tweet

that has a mention of me in it.

Now!

Well, that will be
very difficult to do

because you just
smashed all my shit!

Figure it out!

-I can't.
-Why not?

Because we're blowing up
right now.

I have to make sure
she's out of this house.

She's got a real weird thing
about death going on.

[sad music plays]

[sighs]

[sighs]

[Shep] All right.

I mean,
I took down the video, um,

We're gifed and memed

that I don't know
how to stop that, and...

we're on Pornhub.

[Mandy]
I don't wanna hear it, Shep.

You know, you managed
to flood the internet

with some of the most intimate,

gut-wrenching,

embarrassing moments
I've ever experienced.

You're gonna ruin my life
with this.

And for what?

For a couple of hits?

-It was like a million.
-Who gives a fuck?

[Shep] Okay, I don't know
what to tell you.

The video's down, all right?

So all we can do now is try to
make the best of the situation.

If you ever want
this relationship to heal,

or care about me
even a little bit,

you would delete our account.

I know, listen me.

People are buying my stuff,
like crazy. I've never--

I don't even know
if I can fill this many orders.

-Shep, please, just do it.
-[Shep] Do what?

The profile doesn't affect--
The video is down.

Okay, so the profile
is not affected by the video.

No, I'm not gonna take it down.
Why would I? No, no. I'm not.

There's no saving us, is there?

I don't think so.

I want an exit interview.

What?
What are you? Like an HR thing?

[Mandy] Exactly.

I think we have
to clear the air, you know?

Obviously, we have
a lot of stuff left unsaid.

That's most insane thing
I have ever heard of.

Just do it for me, okay?

Okay. All right,
let's do an exit interview.

Okay.

This is normal.
You wanna go first?

No, no, no.
By all means, it's all you.

Great.
Reminder, this was your idea.

Um, okay.

I've always known
you secretly farted.

-What? I don't. Whatever.
-Easy, very simple.

We're in a fancy place,

immediately, "Well, can I take a
look at this piece of artwork?"

And you hop back.
You think we don't know?

We all know.
We all know what's going on.

Huh? Oh. Well, uh, you have
the coldest feet at night.

I think I'm sleeping
next to a corpse.

I don't think they're that bad.

Why do you think
I wear socks to bed every night?

Who gives a shit?
You're not a real laugher.

[Mandy scoffs]

You're an ugly crier.

[Shep] I'm sensitive.

That's fine. You hate kids.

I can learn not to hate kids.

Besides, you never
told me anything

about wanting to start a family.

-There it is.
-[Mandy] There what is?

-There it is.
-[Mandy] What?

"I'm Mandy,

the most passive-aggressive
person on Earth.

I mean, if that's
what you think."

You are an insufferable
know-it-all.

"Ooh, I know how to Google.
My name is Shep."

We get it.

I hate your best friend.

-Fuck you.
-I do.

[imitates beep]
Everyone hates it.

I hate your parents.
They baby you and it's pathetic.

Okay, you wanna know
something else?

-Bring it.
-You're a phony.

[chuckling] Compared to you?

I'm dead serious.

You wanna have
a real talk, fine.

At least, I care about the shit
I'm trying to do.

You're so afraid of being alone

that you go from guy

to guy to guy

because you wouldn't know
what to do

if you had
to spend time with yourself.

You're a lousy partner,

and that's why I cheated on you.

Yeah, I saw years of my life
disappearing

with some total narcissist

incapable of finishing
anything he starts

because God forbid

you actually have
to commit to something.

You fell in love
with another dude.

-[Mandy] No.
-[Shep] Yeah.

No, no. It wasn't love, okay?

But I was--

I was missing something.

You used to be...

like my best friend.

And now you--

What?

You're not.

I've tried to be.

I've tried so hard,
but I've changed.

People change.
That's what they do in life.

People aren't always
the same person when--

Shep, don't.

Listen to yourself.

You don't take me anymore.

You don't get to tell me
what to do.

That's the Kool-Aid!

What?

[Shep coughs]

That's it. Get it out.

You're gonna be okay.

You're gonna to be okay.

-You poisoned me.
-Shep, you're hallucinating.

It's not poison,
it's anxiety medication.

-You should feel good.
-Ha-ha.

[Nick] This reminds me
of the time I was in Peru.

I took ayahuasca,
had his horrible trip.

I came out a better person
to the other side and cleansed.

-What is he doing here?
-Relax. Relax.

I called him
because he knows first aid.

Brought you some water,
when you're ready.

Thank you so much. Please leave.

You got it, buddy.

Mandy, you mind if we sidebar
for a second?

Sure.

[Shep] Look, Mandy.

Mandy, do not sidebar with him.

Mandy, I hate it.

[Shep vomits]

What's up?

I don't think we should see
each other anymore.

Um, yeah. Neither do I--

[Nick] We both know
when you called me,

it was gonna lead
to a relapse in judgment.

I mean, come on.

-I don't think that's--
-[Nick] Shh.

It's okay.

We don't have
to play these games anymore.

You're free.

I'm just letting you know
I'm not gonna chase.

I appreciate that.

Just looking at you,

looking at your boyfriend
spilling his guts,

I could tell

you guys are a team.

[Shep vomits]

Right.

Oh, high-five. Yeah.

Keep chasing that sunrise.

[Shep vomits]

Thank you.

-Why?
-I'm sorry.

I panicked and I didn't know
who else to call.

He might have saved your life.

No, not him.

Why didn't you just let me die?

Just because we're breaking up

doesn't mean
I don't care about you.

So, we are breaking up?

I don't think there's any
coming back from things we said.

-It isn't healthy.
-Yeah.

Yeah.

I don't look great right now.
I don't blame you.

[both chuckle]

¶ Did you ever
come close to home? ¶

¶ Riding the tide
of the silver line ¶

¶ Maybe dress them up
in ribbon and golds ¶

¶ Never fall back
into the one you love ¶

¶ Pickpocket lady
with her mind on you ¶

¶ She'll break a million hearts
until she makes it through ¶

¶ But I declare a war on you ¶

¶ Someday soon ¶

¶ Hiding
with the border skies ¶

¶ Lead down ditches
on the side of the road ¶

¶ Be careful
you don't look to the sun ¶

¶ Lazy head lions
you'll get fed to the wolves ¶

How do you have
all the furniture?

It was a slow takeover.

We've so much more shit to do.

-Let's take a break then.
-Okay.

I'm just thinking about it,

this is, like, the longest
we've ever gone

without looking
at our cellphones.

I wasn't even thinking
about that.

Yeah.

[Mandy chuckles]

Should we check the news?

Yeah, probably.

Well, the geopolitical standoff
is far from over.

Both sides seemed
to have pulled back

from the brink of war.

And the missile strike

is being revealed as a mistake

by an overzealous officer
in Strategic Command.

-What a fucking dumbass.
-Piece of shit.

...a newfound appreciation
for those we love.

-[Kim] And speaking of love...
-Oh, boy!

This couple has gone viral
post crisis,

trying to go out with a bang.

-We should try this.
-No.

Uh...

I think I'm gonna find
somewhere to eat.

Um, give you some space.

-That's fair, yeah.
-Okay, good, yeah.

-Okay.
-[Mandy] Mm-hm.

[sighs]

[footsteps approaching]

[Derek] For one tonight?

Yeah.

-Slow night?
-Yeah.

Usually people come in
for the happy hour samosas,

but I guess
they're all busy tonight.

Well, it's probably
because of all the crazy shit

that went down today.

What happened?

-You don't know?
-[Derek] I'm off the grid.

I don't even have internet
right now.

You know what?
It doesn't matter.

I will have an order
of the samosas

and a huge side of bread.

Coming right up.

[sad music plays]

[Shep exhales]

"I'm just a Mandy,
standing in front of a Shep,

asking him to love her."

[chuckles]

[sighs]

[Mandy sobbing]

-How is everything?
-Everything is great, thank you.

Okay.

[sobs]

[Shep] Hi.

Oh, hey.

So much for giving
each other space.

[clears his throat]

I deleted the profile.

All of it. Twitter, Twitch,
Instagram, Facebook. Gone.

But isn't that,
like, your dream?

All the attention,

selling your work online?

I thought so.

Um, but I don't care.

I really don't care.

This is real.

Thank you for saying that.

[Shep] I, uh...

[sighs]

I found your signs.

Ah, right.

I think we gotta give this
another shot.

I don't think so.

It took us thinking
that we were gonna die

in order to have
any kind of real conversation.

Maybe if you can't figure out

who somebody is
after five years, then...

you never will.

Even our meet-cute story
is fake.

We don't even know
what the lie was to begin with.

We only made up a story

because you didn't wanna
tell your friends

that we met on a dating app.

Well, that's not romantic, okay?

So that's why we decided

on meeting each other
on a train in Europe.

How did I end up in the park?
I had that park story down pat.

Everybody's meet-cute story
is fake.

There is no such thing.

Okay, so then we don't have one.
Who cares?

Everybody's just lying
to themselves to fall in love

just so we can feel less alone.

I am so sorry.
Could I get a table for one?

[Derek] Sure, anywhere you like.

Weren't you just in here?

No, I don't think so.
Different guy.

[sighs]

[sighs]

Where?

[Shep sighs]

I just--

[chuckles]

-Hello. Hi.
-Oh, hey. What's up?

Hi. Excuse me, I am so sorry.
I was just looking for a seat.

Oh, yeah.

-It is super packed in here.
-It's so busy.

-Yeah.
-I'll try, but--

Hey, I noticed
there's no one at your table,

I don't know if, you know--

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Go ahead.

-Thank you so much.
-Yeah, yeah.

I'll be quiet. I won't even--
You won't even know I'm here.

-Perfect.
-Just you and your bread.

Great.

[Shep] I don't have a menu.

You think they would give me
a menu, you know?

Have you had the chili?

I haven't.

It is so good.

-[Shep] Really?
-Mm-hm.

[Shep] I read a review, but I
didn't believe it. I will now--

I'm gonna give it a shot
because of you.

Actually,
this is my favorite place.

What?
You're not gonna believe this.

Mine too.

What?

-Where are you from?
-New York.

-New York?
-[Mandy] You?

Modesto, but I went
to school in New York.

Oh, wow!
We have so much in common.

Unbelievable amounts in common.

Wait, wait, wait.
I have been in here

every single day
and I have never seen you here.

You know what it is?
Probably on different timelines.

You know what I mean?
Like, I'm a brunch guy.

I usually like to sleep in.

Tsk, tsk, tsk.
You're missing out on brunch.

I'm Shep.

I'm Mandy.

But my friends call me Mand.

[chuckles]

That is the worst joke,

just so you know.

Maybe you should give me
your number or something,

so I don't forget.

Okay. Yeah, let's do that.

-Now--
-[Derek] No phone zone!

This guy with--

Or maybe I can just pay the bill

and we can go back
to your place and make out.

Okay.

-We just met, though.
-I know.

-You're okay with it?
-[Mandy] Yep, let's go.

Just met.

It's pretty cute.

[chuckles]

All right, this is it.

Cool, I like it.

Thank you. I don't own it.

-Really?
-Yeah, my parents own it.

Oh, by the way, fun fact,
that door is barricaded.

We will have to enter
through the window.

[Mandy laughs]

I don't mind.

-Yeah?
-Yeah.

[sighing]
It's funny, I actually, uh,

I used to live here with my ex.

Oh!

What was she like?

[sighs]

She's wonderful,

terrifying,

beautiful,

tried to kill me once.

Despite everything
we've been through,

she's 100% my best friend.

She must have felt pretty lucky
with you most of the time.

I really hope so.

Ah, ah, my gosh.

[moans]

Hold it right there.

-[Shep] Like that?
-Yeah, yeah. That's perfect.

Ah, you know?

My last boyfriend
didn't do this enough.

Maybe if you'd been clear
with him

that you like
this sort of thing--

-Okay, okay. Less talk.
-Okay.

-Ah, yeah.
-[buzzing]

[moans]

[Shep sighs]

This has been
a very good first date.

[Mandy chuckles]

Just so you know,

I don't usually hook up
with people on the first date.

Really? Is that true?

I feel like people always hook
up with me on the first date.

I just have that way about me.
It's kind of easy for me.

-Mm-hm, okay.
-It's weird.

It feels like we've known
each other for years.

I know what you mean.

[chuckles]

-Can we talk for real?
-Yeah.

Where does this put us?

I don't know,

But I do know this was nice.

And I'd do it again.

Yeah.

No, and for sure,
it was, it is, but...

aren't we just gonna end up
in that same sad place?

You can't say for sure.

I kind of can, right?

If you love me,
just stay, dummy.

I can't.

Is this about money?

[Shep chuckles]

You can afford me?

You'd be surprised.

I can be very generous.

[Mandy chuckles]

So...

I guess this means

we should take
this breakup seriously and...

figure out who we are solo.

Yeah, we owe it to ourselves.

You know, I always believed
you would succeed.

Really?

Shut up,
and let me compliment you.

Mm-hm. Go ahead, please.

You're so talented, creative,

you have enormous amounts
of potential.

And when you figure out

what you wanna do
with your life,

you're gonna be really amazing.

Thank you for saying that. Um...

You're gonna be
the most incredible,

amazing, gluten-free person

just the second you get
just any distance from me, so...

[Mandy exhales]

I'll leave tomorrow.

No, um, you just stay here.

I'll go. I-- You go-- I'll go.

But this is your family's place.

Yeah, and they love you more
than me,

so they'll be thrilled
to just deal with you, I'll--

We'll figure it out later,
but you just stay here.

Can I still text you?

No, I'm like--

I'm sorry.

I can't handle that.

E-mail me, if that's okay.

That's fair.

You're smiling in your sleep.

Shut up, I am not.

You are. You're content.

I've got
resting contentment face.

[Shep chuckles]

[Shep exhales]

Promise me you'll come back.

Even if it's just to say hi.

I will.

You have all my stuff.

Good.

[sad music plays]

[sighs]

[Beth] I just feel
like a change of scenery

would be really good for you.

My family's got
a spot in the Himalayas.

I might just go out there

for a little bit
of soul-cleansing, you know?

[Beth] You can always come
visit here for a while.

I am more than prepared
to get fucked up.

[Mandy laughing]
That sounds awesome,

but I think I need to be alone
for a while, you know?

Is there any chance
you can make it work?

Uh, I don't think so.

[mother] Is it because
of the internet sex thing?

Mom, please don't say that,

And yeah,
kind of 'cause of that.

We were just
growing into different people.

Don't let this whole "my life
is over" thing get you down.

I mean, just come and stay
for as long as you want.

I really appreciate it,
but I have the residency thing.

So I'll be out of your hair
soon, I promise.

[mother] We're proud of you,
no matter what.

-What the hell was that?
-Bright!

-Oh, my!
-[white noise]

Mom?

Dad?

[explosion]

Oh, my God!

-[Beth] Okay, well--
-[explosion]

-Did you hear that?
-I don't hear anything.

-[baby crying]
-Oh, shit! She's awake.

Hold on, honey, Mommy's he--

Beth.

Beth!

[people screaming]

[car engine starts]

[car engine revvs]

[tense music plays]

[distorted laughter]

Please, please, please.

[Shep] What's up?
You called Shep's phone.

Leave a message.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

[tires squeal]

[tense music plays]

Shep, Shep.

I don't know where you
are right now, but please,

please, come back.

Mandy!

-Mandy!
-[explosion]

[Mandy screams]

Mandy!

[pounding on the door]

[Mandy] Shep, Shep.

Shep. Shep.

-Mandy.
-[Mandy] I'm sorry.

It's okay, it's fine, I'm here
now, it's all good, we're good.

There's nobody
I'd rather die with.

Oh, my God!
We have so much in common.

[explosion]

Oh, my God!
The window! The window.

[Shep] Hurry!

[Shep panting]

Hi, I was thinking,

would you wanna go
on a second date?

Let me think about it.

[glass breaks]

¶ So I heard the rumors
saying that you left me ¶

¶ For another dime,
that's fine ¶

¶ Every now and then
I think about the memories ¶

¶ Was a little blind inside ¶

¶ Now you got me stopping ¶

¶ Re-considering options ¶

¶ Like the way I sound ¶

¶ You got me admitting ¶

¶ Hell of a good rhythm ¶

¶ All the times we'd fight ¶

¶ Nothing last forever
and it's fine ¶

¶ Oo-hoo, it's life ¶

¶ Say you're never ever
satisfied ¶

¶ Oo-hoo, it's life ¶

¶ Nothing lasts forever
and it's fine ¶

¶ Oo-hoo, it's life ¶

¶ Oo-hoo, it's life ¶

¶ Think about the memories
that we shared ¶

¶ All of the fights
here and there ¶

¶ Running barefoot
on the street ¶

¶ You chasing me ¶

¶ I chase you back
and then we're free ¶

¶ Bet a million on a makeup,
then another break-up ¶

¶ Then I say, "Why not
to go back to your place? ¶

¶ 'Cause I don't want you
around anymore, no, no" ¶

¶ Nothing last forever
and it's fine ¶

¶ Oo-hoo, it's life ¶

¶ Say you're never ever
satisfied ¶

¶ Oo-hoo, it's life ¶

¶ Nothing last forever
and it's fine ¶

¶ Oo-hoo, it's life ¶

¶ Oo-hoo, it's life ¶

¶ Oo-hoo, it's life ¶

¶ Oo-hoo, it's life ¶