Original subtitles

Did you fart?

Ugh, only a little bit.

Barely.

Actually, I don't even remember if I farted.

So this is the house, I guess.

Honestly, it's not even that nice.

No, it looks like dog shit.

Not what I expected.

Not at all.

The tag is still on your jacket.

Yeah, it's because I don't know

if I wanna keep it yet.

You bought it like two years ago.

So.

You can take things back for a long time.

I don't even know what that means.

Oh my god.

You must be Czechoff.

That body, that body, that body.

The silk girth, girth, girth.

Oh.

Just gonna nibble on that ear. Kisses together.

I'm gonna nibble on that--

Matty, look.

Such a large pen us.

I'm sorry.

She's a predator.

So much bigger than Matty's,

not that I've ever seen it,

but I would kill myself if I did.

Well, here it is.

If you want,

I'm gonna get it and pluck it up,

and you put it inside your mouth.

Well, I'm gonna grab my labia,

put it in a mold,

compact it,

and then I'm gonna just stuff it in your mouth.

Smack it.

Don't give me something good.

It's so,

I can taste it.

It's like sour.

It's salty.

I'm sorry, why does Jules have an Emmy?

From that dumb soap she's on.

Oh, so it's like a Daytime Emmy.

No.

It's actually kinda sad, really.

It's like a Creative Arts Emmy.

Oh, they basically give these away to anyone.

I probably have one.

I just forgot about it.

Like, who even wants, oh.

Baby girl.

Hey guys.

Hi.

Oh my god.

We are obsessed with the house.

Aw, you're so sweet.

It's so cute that you guys still live together.

I love it.

Okay, so a couple quick housekeeping things.

Mr. Czechoff is dealing with some constipation.

Who isn't?

Right.

But seriously, he will need your help.

You just have to do this little trick I call

"pushing the button."

Oh my god, it sounds so fun.

Oh, and this one's actually really important.

When you go outside after dark,

make sure to clap really loud

to scare off the coyotes.

No problem.

We'll clap them right away.

Great, amazing.

So help yourselves to everything

but the champagne.

Ooh, ah, uh.

I think that's everything.

You good?

Hey, you didn't happen to send that script

to your agent by any chance, did you?

Okay, I'm so sorry.

I gotta run.

But thank you so much for doing this.

I love you guys.

Bye. - Love you.

No, I don't.

I don't love you.

Don't, lie.

I lied.

I'm sorry.

Do you want--

Yeah, yeah.

I'm gonna have that first.

You wanna party?

You wanna party?

Okay, well I might need to party a little.

♪ Party party party party party ♪

♪ I'll party ♪

♪ I'll party, party, party, party, party ♪

♪ I'm dressing to the nines ♪

♪ You know I like to shine ♪

♪ I like to leave an impression ♪

♪ I like to set a vibe ♪

♪ Got one thing on my mind ♪

♪ Just trying to live my life ♪

♪ Going out gonna have a good time ♪

♪ That's right I set the vibe ♪

Matty, what are you doing?

She said to clap in the yard when it's dark.

I'm not taking any chances.

God, we should not be in the sun.

I want Fraxel.

I just want them to Fraxel my face,

and then Fraxel it off.

I want the new buccal fat pad removed

where they take the--

Hey there.

- Hi. - Hi.

You guys must be the house sitters.

Well, yes and no.

We are but not like professionally.

No, no, no.

Honestly, we're doing it for fun

like as a joke.

Joke.

Nice.

Classic gay sidekick, you know?

Yeah, I do know.

Oh, I do know. - What way do you know?

How do you know?

Well, I gotta say,

it's been really wonderful having Jules here, you know?

Having a celeb up here in sleepy Eagle Rock.

Now when you say celeb...

She works.

I mean, does she?

But we were all kinda shocked when she bought that house.

I'd be too spooked

to live there myself.

You know.

I mean...

Especially after all the...

The stuff that happened.

In that house.

You get it?

Yeah.

- We do. - We get it.

What's not to get?

We get it a lot.

I knew you did.

Anyway.

I gotta scoot off to dinner.

But enjoy your staycation.

Okay.

Bye there, Czechoff.

Take care, buddy.

Anyway, stop by if you want.

You know where we live.

Oh no, the Devil lives in that house.

I ain't coming by.

Bye.

What the fuck was that?

I don't know.

Who has dinner at like four pm?

Oh.

The other thing. - Yeah.

The night after the premiere

of her hit 1965 movie, "Red River,"

actress Cheryl McGee was at home

when her stalker, Jerry Hannis,

knocked on her door in his signature mask.

Hannis barged inside with a clever,

dismembering McGee - No.

- And scattering body parts - No.

In every room of her house.

At his trial, Hannis famously serenaded the courtroom

with the song he sang to McGee as he butchered her.

That song.

I remember it.

I remember.

It was like,

"you did it, you did it."

"My star, my star."

"You did it."

"You went so far, so far."

"You dreamed it, you dreamed it,"

"and I did, too."

"But it only happens to stars like you."

"Like you."

Oh my god.

I know, I sound really good.

That felt nice to sing.

It was actually pretty impressive.

But also like, oh my god.

Jules did not tell us that she lives

at the Cheryl McGee house.

Matty.

We could've charged so much more.

Fuck.

Oh shit.

This baby hasn't done his shittles.

Oh shit, he really needs to shat.

Okay, I will take him.

You keep googling,

and find out what kind of deal she got on this place.

Check out red fence.

She's probably actually poor.

Oh, she's probably just a broke ass bitch.

Poor thing.

Feel so sad for people like that.

Come on, let's go poo poo.

Let's go.

You did it, you did it,

my star, my star.

You dreamed it, you dreamed it,

and I did, too.

They only want stars like you.

Like you.

Like you.

Oh yeah, we have to clap.

clap the coyotes away.

Courtney Cox and Ellen DeGeneres were roommates?

That's so fun.

Oh my god.

Matty.

Matty, Matty, Matty, Matty.

Matty, someone's out there.

Somebody clapped at me.

No one's out there.

No one clapped at you.

We're just drunk and high.

I'm not high, you're high.

Wait, you're high?

I wanna be high.

That's not the point.

No, the point is believe women.

I do believe women,

just not you.

Look, when we drink,

your imagination gets a little carried away with you,

and then I have to bring us back down to--

Do not fucking mansplain to me right now.

I have told you,

gay guys are still a marginalized group, okay?

We're not capable--

Oh my god, fine.

Then don't gaysplain to me.

Oh shit.

What?

You left the dog out there.

Oh fuck me.

You did it, you did it,

my star, my star.

You did, you went so far, so far.

You t--

Czechoff?

Hi, baby boy.

You scared me.

Oh my god.

I thought you were a boogie man,

but you were my baby man.

Yeah, you didn't do your poo poo yet, did you?

No.

You're gonna come inside with me, though.

Yes, and then we're gonna run away together,

because we're in love.

Okay, you wanna go in?

Let's go inside.

Come on, boo boo.

Let's do it, let's...

Fuck.

Come on, buddy.

Come on.

Let's go, let's go, let's go.

Come on, come on, come on.

Oh shit.

Fuck me.

Shit.

Hurry, hurry.

Hurry.

Come on, come on, come on.

Go, go, go, go, go.

Okay, so there is actually someone out there it turns out,

and I don't have my phone.

So I need you to get your phone and call the cops right now.

No, no we can't.

We can't call the cops.

Matty, remember when we got caught

being on the sidewalk outside Foobar,

and the cop was like,

"If you ever get in trouble again"

"you'll be registered as sex offenders?"

We're not calling the police,

'cause we're defunding the police,

so forget that i--.

I guess we are calling them?

Oh, no we're not.

Hey Jules, thanks for telling us

you live in a fucking murder house,

where we are currently being stalked

most likely by Jerry Hannis himself.

Jerry died in prison.

Okay, most likely by the ghost of Jerry Hannis himself.

Really appreciate the heads up.

Oh that's right.

You didn't fucking tell us,

and now somebody's trying to murder us,

and by the time you get this,

we're gonna be dead.

And guess what, Jules?

You'll probably be dead soon, too,

by the look of you,

'cause you look very old.

What?

We farted on your Emmy,

and it's not even a real one,

so fuck off.

Well, we burned that bridge.

Oh my god.

Oh god.

Oh my god.

Get the dog, get the dog.

Get the dog.

Come on, come on, come on.

Go to the bedroom.

We're gonna die.

I don't wanna die, Matty.

I don't wanna die.

You did it, you did it.

My star, my star.

You dreamed it.

You dreamed it.

And I did, too.

But it only happens to stars like you.

Like you.

Oh my god.

Like you.

He's recreating it.

That night.

We're her.

We're Cheryl McGee.

Wait.

Are we, though?

Well not literally, no.

No, I mean he was obsessed with her

because she was a famous actress.

We're not a famous actress.

No.

We are not.

Jerry.

Hi, yeah, right here.

Yep, that's me.

I just wanted to tell you

just a couple things about Matt and I

before you decided to kill us.

Is that okay?

So Matt here is to your right.

There you go.

He is an unemployed writer,

and not a very good one, either.

It's true, it's true.

The only thing I've even written is a biopic of Mama Cass.

It is actually really good,

but the only people who've even read it, Jerry,

are like Aaron and my mom.

Or apparently just my mom.

So that's where I'm at.

Okay Aaron, you go.

I'm an actress,

but the last time I worked was eight years ago,

and I got fired because there was a miscommunication

about whether or not I spoke Spanish.

And by miscommunication she means--

I said I was fluent but I am not.

Not a great look, right, Jerry?

Pretending to be Latin X in 2022?

Matty, I'm Colombian.

No you're not.

Yes, I am.

What do you think all those Colombian flags

are around our apartment?

Those are pride flags.

Jerry.

The bottom line is we are losers.

We are nobodies.

We're nothing.

We're the people who should've thrown in the towel

like 10 years ago,

and just moved back to the Midwest.

Nobody would even care if you killed us.

Yeah, they'll be like,

oh, do you know who died?

No, I literally don't know,

because I don't know who those people are.

I do background work in student films at Cal Tech.

Hey.

Hey, guys.

Hi.

Hello?

Hey!

Oh my god, that was a lot.

Hi.

- Hey. - You're home early.

You look well rested.

I should've trusted my gut.

Of course you couldn't handle

even the smallest responsibility.

- You're right. - We hear you, girl.

Do you have any idea how much I needed this trip?

I had to cancel my sound bath.

Uh, Jules.

And this shaman does not do refunds, by the way.

So it was five grand down the toilet--

Jules, Jules.

And I had to leave there so fast,

that I couldn't even do my final colonic.

Jules!

This is why you don't have careers,

or boyfriends,

or anything except each other.

What?

Do you think we could take Czechoff

for just one last walk?

Push the button for old time sake.

One more time.

Just want to so bad.

Fine, whatever.

Go for it.

Ugh.

Go, go, go, go.

Go, go, go, go, go.

Good boy, good boy.

It's okay, come here.

Okay, okay.

Good boy.

Good boy, you're okay.

We're okay, we're okay.

We're okay.

Oh, I have something for you.

Yeah?

It's in my butt hole.

Oh yeah?

Well, I'm gonna dig right in front.

I'm gonna do a frontsie.

No, that will burn my skin.

Oh, it's deep.

Deep, deep, deep.

Don't enjoy it.

It's hot, steamy.

Sick.

Turd, oh god.

That's gonna give me a cyst.

Cystic acne.

It's gonna give you pink eye.

I'm gonna give you just a mob,

a mound of a blob of a--

I tasted it.

Oh, I can taste it.

I can taste it.

Oh, it's spicy.

Is our new dog still with us?

Yeah.

Hi, good boy.

Oh, I just took his penis,

his penis genital.

That one's not so bad.