Original subtitles

♪ At Camp Nawgonamakit ♪

♪ We're sitting 'round the fire pit ♪

♪ Shut your eyes, girl ♪

♪ It's getting pretty spooky here ♪

♪ Well, let me make it crystal clear ♪

♪ This is a cry for help ♪

♪ This is a cry for help ♪

Now I'm going to tell you a story.

The year was 1980.

Camp Nawgonamakit opened.

The first campers

were learning arts and crafts and survival skills.

There's one child who stood out among them.

Nobody knew his real name.

They just called him Squirt.

Squirt?

Oh, he sounds like a geek.

Not only was he a geek, he was also horribly disfigured.

That's awful.

The only thing worse

was how the other children treated him.

So he hid best he could.

Now, if you were horribly disfigured in 1980,

whose face would you use to cover it up?

Burt Reynolds, of course.

Squirt wore a Burt Reynolds mask

the entire summer,

only to take it off when he slept.

But one night while he slumbered in his bunk,

a bunch of kids filled the mask

with steaming hot honey glue.

They woke Squirt up, telling him there was an emergency,

and as he frantically put on his mask

the one thing that he thought could protect him

burned the skin right off his face.

Squirt Reynolds, Squirt Reynolds!

He ran into the woods and was never seen again.

Cool story, Chet.

Very original.

So nobody knows what happened to him?

Legend has it,

he took refuge in the abandoned camp fitness center.

No one was ever going to

call him Squirt Reynolds again.

He'd make sure of that.

From then on, any campers unlucky enough to set eyes on him

wouldn't laugh.

They would cry out in terror.

If you close your eyes, listen carefully.

They say, you can hear the clanging of dumbbells

as Squirt gets in that pump.

Clank.

Clank.

Clank.

- Oh, ho, ho! - Goddamn it, Jeremy!

Hey, girl, you wanna work out with me?

- No. - I could really use it.

I'm working up a nice sweat.

Why don't you eat a dick?

I don't eat dicks.

Seriously, Lana, come on!

It's just some good old fashioned camp shenanigans.

Lana!

Fuck!

Whatever.

I'm gonna go check on her.

Trey, are you smoking a doobie?

It's a doobie.

I've been around the block.

Are you okay?

Yeah.

Now that you're here.

What was that?

- Nothing. - No, I heard something.

No.

Squirt Reynolds.

- Zoe? - Lana?

Zoe, where'd you go?

Zoe, help!

Lana, I'm coming!

What's wrong, Zoe?

You found me!

Hey, I was playing a song...

Man.

More of a guitar guy?

♪ At Camp Nawgonamakit ♪

♪ I'm sitting 'round the fire pit ♪

♪ Shut your eyes, girl ♪

♪ It's getting pretty spooky here ♪

♪ Well, let me make it crystal clear ♪

♪ No one will hear your cries, girl ♪

♪ Here in the dark of night ♪

♪ Baby, won't you hold me tight ♪

♪ 'Cause we're gonna die, girl ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

You know, he just had one

very specific set of instructions to follow.

Really just one instruction,

"Do not eat, Lewis."

How was he supposed to know that?

- No, uh-uh, no. - No?

He fucked up, man.

And who does that anyway?

Go around eating other people's shit?

Especially a nice, thoughtful birthday gift

like that too.

I mean, I wasn't raised like that.

Was you raised like that?

- No, baby, no. - No, probably not.

No, I was not.

No, 'cause you're a very polite person.

Thank you, baby.

Who cares about other people's feelings and shit.

Yeah.

What's that?

What's that there?

Cupcakes?

- That, yeah. - Yeah.

- Why did you bring those? - What are you talking about?

It's a goddamn murder weapon, Lucy.

Exactly, I couldn't leave them at the crime scene.

Have you not seen "Law & Order: SVU?"

Why don't you throw them away?

Why don't you throw them away in the trash can?

Like a normal person.

- I have dogs, baby. - Fuck those dogs.

We don't want our dogs eating the poison.

Fuck those dogs!

Baby, don't say that!

Marshall would save your life.

Fuck Marshall, yappy little bitch.

- Don't do that, baby. - Goddamn it.

We really don't like it

when you talk about Marshall like that, baby.

They're not even your dogs.

That must be Randy.

- Oh. - Hey, Randy.

Hi.

Look at that.

I think something's wrong with him.

I know.

Why couldn't this big old bastard

just stash a key somewhere?

Hi.

So the house is from the 1940s

right after the lighthouse got done.

I will warn you, that is well water.

It is gonna smell and taste for,

well, you'll get used to it.

So the story of this house is

as men returning from World War II outta Europe,

hardened by the horrors of war, said,

you know, to hell with the GI bill, I'm gonna get a job.

I'm gonna make some money and I'm gonna buy some land.

And that's what they did.

Mm-hmm.

They didn't stop there.

No, these honorable men, they said, we got the land.

Let's build a house.

Let's do something.

And so my granddad and his good buddies got together.

And these men, these honorable men,

they built this house

and they built it with their own bare hands

and they built it well.

So, welcome.

Hmm.

That's, uh, very interesting, sir.

We're happy to be here.

I'm glad you are too.

Um, what brings you to Gibson Cove?

- You know. - Vacation.

Just getting outta town.

- Spending time together. - With each other.

- Away from the bullshit. - Closeness.

Mm-hmm.

That is heartwarming.

So I guess I should just leave you to it then.

- Thank you. - Absolutely.

That'd be great, thank you.

But, uh, you didn't tell me you were going to be

partying.

Excuse me?

I got y'all, I got y'all.

I'm talking about those delicious looking baked goods.

Are those homemade?

Yeah, they're homemade.

I made 'em.

Yeah, we don't go to the store

and buy them from the store.

Look, I didn't mean any offense.

It just looks so pretty well put together.

I just had to ask.

Where do you keep the boat key?

They're kept on the wall right there.

Where they're always at.

- Tight. - Thank you.

Still warm outside.

Today would be a great day to hit the water.

Think we should say a few words on his behalf?

What, like in his memory or whatever?

Yeah.

Yeah, sure.

Okay.

Yeah.

Lewis, uh, from what I hear, you were a pretty cool dude

and it's really shitty that you had to go out like this.

With all that said,

you really shouldn't go around eating other people's food.

You know, it's just not right.

Morally speaking.

And you know when you live your life in that way,

sometimes tragedies like these may occur.

No, no, no, damn it, Paul.

We're meant to say few nice things and move on.

I know, Lucy.

That's what I'm doing.

Just, you know,

offering some constructive criticism to the man.

Constructive criticism?

He's fucking dead, baby.

Exactly, he's dead.

And I'm not gonna stand here

and blow smoke up a dead man's asshole, you know?

He was not an honorable man.

Did you bring the cupcakes at least?

No, of course not.

That's all we have.

Geoff is still out there.

Well, what are we supposed to do?

Just hope that he strolls in the house

and he picks one up and eats it for himself.

We don't have a gun.

We don't have a knife.

So those cupcakes are the only thing

we have for protection,

and I'll be damned if we just throw them out in this lake.

- Fuck! - I know.

You know, he just really pisses me off.

- I know, baby. - Slimy little fucker.

Fuck this, Lewis!

You really fucked us.

We had a great plan.

We did, baby.

- We had a great plan. - It was a great plan.

And he had to just come in here and fuck it.

I know.

By eating something that wasn't his to eat.

You fucked us, Lewis!

Baby.

See what happens when you go and eat some shit

that's not even fucking yours!

Why'd you have to go

and do some stupid shit like that, Lewis?

We put a note on it.

We put a note on it and everything.

Fuck!

Baby.

Fuck!

Better out than in, baby.

Fuck you!

Fuck!

You know, baby.

I don't really think we should be murderers anymore.

I don't think it suits us.

Yeah, I think that train is sailed, baby doll.

It doesn't have to be that way though, baby.

We can tear ass outta this shit county and never look back.

Clean slate, you know?

- Clean slate. - Yeah.

I mean, we could try.

We won't always be looking over our shoulder.

- Yeah. - For your crazy boyfriend.

Well, you know, he'll kill us if he gets the chance.

He'd probably kill Marshall too, his own dog.

Unlocked, wow.

Just wow.

Hey guys, I don't mean to interrupt!

I left you a series of messages

about a rather important matter, I might add.

You leave me no other option.

Time for a pop in.

What the fuck?

Jesus Christ, Geoff.

So I gather You're leaving me.

Geoff, what the fuck?

What are you doing here?

Are you, are you okay?

How long you been standing there like a fuckin' psycho?

Long enough.

Long enough to confirm my suspicions.

- Oh my God. - Look, I know, okay?

I've known for quite a bit, honestly.

I've been, I've been fairly certain actually.

And you know what?

What?

I'm cool with it.

What?

You're cool with it?

Hey, love birds.

I don't mean to intrude, but there's been a guy

at the office asking a bunch of weird questions.

Left you a bunch of messages.

You should check your phone more often.

I never thought I'd say that

to a couple millennials.

Already out hitting it, hmm.

Geoff, if you're so cool with it then

why'd you track us down out here?

Yeah, I think a text message would've been sufficient.

- Well, you- - Geoff.

I don't think that.

I mean, we've been together since we were 19.

I don't even recognize that person that I was.

I'm sure you feel somewhat the same.

Lucy, we haven't even made love in a year.

Yes.

I mean, we've grown apart.

We've grown too comfortable to admit it.

You can't stop time, Lucy.

And that's okay.

Geoff.

No, I, no, you don't have to say anything.

I don't want you to say anything.

It's really okay.

It's really okay.

I also brought some of your stuff.

It's just, like, little stuff.

Furniture and knickknacks.

You brought the furniture here?

- What's that? - You brought it here?

- Yeah. - The furniture?

- Mm-hmm. - Okay.

Just so we wouldn't have that awkward,

like, down the road kind of thing.

Yeah, wouldn't on any of that.

Don't want that.

But you wanna gimme a hand?

You want me to give you a hand?

Yeah, let's just take a quick walk.

Well, hello my delicious goodness.

Ooh, ooh.

Phew.

Pretty good.

"Happy birthday, Geoff."

Yada yada yada.

Lewis.

Well, there's no Lewis here.

Mm, mm.

Mm.

Mm, mm!

I love you too, Lucy.

Mm.

Hey, I appreciate your help with all this, friend.

I know that closure can be very liberating.

Yeah, uh, happy to help.

I'm a pretty liberal guy, I guess.

You know, I really appreciate

your sense of humor through all this.

Yeah.

I think you're a great guy.

You know, Geoff, I think,

I think you really are something else, you know?

What in the?

They're queers.

Oh.

It's okay.

It's a shame.

Pardon?

It's a shame that we can't be buddies.

You know what I mean? - Oh, yeah.

I wish I were sticking around.

You know, I wish we could grab Outback sometime

but I'm, you know, skipping town.

Oh god.

- I'm gonna bounce. - Yeah.

I'm gonna just start over, clean slate.

Tabula rasa.

Tabula (stutters) Rosa.

Yeah.

What the fuck is that, Geoff?

It doesn't matter.

Are you just making shit up?

It's Latin.

Why are you speaking Latin to me right now?

Yeah, I don't know what I'm gonna do really.

I'll probably just pursue a career in dramatic writing.

I think that's my real passion.

Mm-hmm?

The crime genre specifically.

Yeah.

I mean, I'm interested in the psychology.

That is interesting.

So once I tell my roommate Lewis,

then I'm outta here, man.

- Oh, um. - A new start from me.

Hey, forget about Lewis, man.

Fuck Lewis.

Okay, (laughs) random.

Lucy, why did you do this to me?

I didn't do anything to you!

What did you do?

I think you'd make a really good,

uh, true crime writer, Geoff.

That's interesting that you say that

because I'm actually gonna be doing fiction.

Oh.

True crime is about crimes that actually happened.

It's all the same to me, my man.

Man, I would just, I'd love to pick your brain.

I just, I would love to play with your mind.

Come on, let's get some of this shit.

Okay.

Tabula rasa.

Well, I gotta say, Luce, I don't know how you live

with someone that fucking weird for that long.

You know, I'm just saying.

He gave me the heebie-jeebies.

I didn't know if he was gonna kiss me or kill my ass.

Shut the fuck up, Paul.

What's your problem?

We did it and I think things went pretty well,

all things considered.

Don't say it.

No, it's, it's not your fault.

- Sure. - It's not.

No, it's not your fault, baby.

No, no.

You know, I'd even go so far as to say

it's this guy's fault.

He had more than one cupcake too.

I'm gonna miss you, cupcake,

and all your delicious baked goods.

♪ Daddy died on Father's Day ♪

♪ Without a dime to his name ♪

♪ He left me a broken down motorcycle ♪

♪ November license plate ♪

♪ He stole himself a government truck ♪

♪ Crashed it into a ditch ♪

♪ One of those motherfuckers with the arrows ♪

♪ That tell you which lane to switch ♪

♪ What's a guy gotta do around here ♪

♪ Write a sad song ♪

♪ Everything I say always seems to come out funny in my head ♪

♪ What's a guy gotta do around here ♪

♪ Sing a sad song ♪

♪ 'Cause Daddy's dead ♪