Original subtitles

Kirsten, Kirsten!

Wake up, wake up!

Alice, if this is about monsters again,

I swear to God, I'm gonna kill you.

O-M-G.

Alice, what the hell happened here?

Can we just cut to the chase?

I mean, it's pretty obvious.

As if.

Alison Mary-Kate Mahoney, you better-

All right. All right.

Just keep it down, will ya?

Like I said, it was an accident. Okay?

I swear I just...

It was those stupid boys from class again.

They're making fun of me for believing in Santa and,

well, I wanted to prove them wrong.

So I climbed behind the tree to hide and h-h-he tripped.

I-I-I swear I just wanted to catch him, that's all.

Catch him?

You're eight years old. He's like 600 pounds.

How the hell were you gonna do that?

I had a plan.

First, I set up this. Look, it doesn't matter.

We're wasting valuable time.

Now, you've seen Netflix, right?

We gotta clean this up and get rid of the body quick.

And there ain't no deserts in Chicago

so we gotta find some pigs to feed him to

or "Dexter" this shit up.

You're kidding, right?

Yeah, you're right.

We haven't got a boat

and you managed to blow your driver's test last month.

We'll have to bury him

in the ravine behind the neighbor's yard.

Are you crazy?

We have to call the cops and tell them some whack job

dressed as Santa broke into our house.

It is Santa!

I saw him come down the chimney

with his bag full of presents.

See?

I even checked his belly and his beard.

I killed Santa, Kirsten.

I killed Santa.

And we need to get rid of the evidence quick before-

Just, just shut up and let me think for a second.

We ain't got that kinda time.

Look, you said it was an accident, right?

So we'll just wake up Mom and Dad and, and tell them-

You're calling me crazy?

Sort your life out, Kirsten.

Dad will ground us for something like two months.

Yeah, and if the cops find out we tried to cover this up,

we'll go to prison for like ever.

No one's gonna find out

if you just keep your mouth shut and stick to the plan.

Plan? What plan?

We can't just bury a friggin' body in the neighbor's yard.

Don't pussy out on me now, Kirsten.

Hey, listen here, you little shit.

You can't just go around burying bodies

and get away with it.

It's not the '70s anymore, okay?

There's way too many cops and, and feds,

and like special Scientologists.

We'll get caught for sure.

You know what?

We can burn him!

We just gotta smash out his teeth first.

Okay. What about the reindeer?

Hmm? And the sleigh?

Did you think about them?

Probably up on the roof right now.

Unless he parks on the side of the street like the mailman.

Either way, there's gotta be

some sort of like military level Google Maps

like tracking system that will lead the elves right here.

I mean, if Santa Claus and the flipping reindeer are real,

the elves must be real too, right?

No. No, no, no.

We have to tell Mom and Dad.

They'll call the normal police and explain everything.

It'll be fine.

They'll understand, right?

I mean, after all, he was trespassing.

Technically you even had the right to shoot him.

It doesn't matter, Kirsten.

Don't you see?

Even if our parents and the police do believe us,

do you really think the world will care

about a lousy technicality

when there's no more Christmas?

I dreamt that maybe

I-I'd grow up to see a day

where the class don't pick on me no more.

Or maybe I'd have a friend to help defend me.

Just like your dreams of that cheerleading scholarship

and being crowned junior prom queen.

With heartthrob quarterback Zachary Marshall as your king.

Somehow they just don't sound like the futures

of the kids who killed Santa.

You couldn't just take a friggin' picture, could you?

Numbnuts.

I still can't see the sleigh anywhere from here, can you?

Maybe he is just some sort of like festive thief

or kiddy serial killer.

How many times do I have to tell you?

It is Santa, I saw-

Ow!

Oh my God, I broke a nail.

I just got them manicured for Zach's New Year's Eve party.

Oh, no.

My luck, Zach will never love me now.

Whatever.

We're in this lame-O sitch

because you wanted to impress a bunch of boys.

What was that?

Just a raccoon or something.

Now, let's get back to work.

Stop hurting me!

Stop, Kirsten, stop!

You're killing him! You're killing him!

Shit.

He's alive.

He's alive!

Course I'm alive.

Jesus, Mary, gingerbread.

Oh.

- Oh my God.

I, I am so sorry.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'll be, I'll be, I'll be fine.

Yeah, I'll be, I'll be fine.

Aah, what the heck?

Not again.

- Do you, uh,

do you need to go to the hospital or something?

No.

This is just a minor inconvenience.

See, something like this happens to me almost every year,

and you aren't the first ones trying to bury me alive.

He shot me the last.

You see, for centuries

people have been trying to prove my existence.

Capture me.

Apparently, a photograph won't just do, will it, tiny Alice?

But, you were dead.

You had a table stuck in your head. How are you not dead?

How?

How, how, how?

How do you think I've been doing this all these years? Huh?

Huh, huh?

And how do you think I knew

you wanted kickboxing lessons for Christmas, huh?

And how, how did I know that you wanted Stacy Freeman

to get a nose zit

in time for Zach Marshall's New Year's Eve party?

Well, will she? I need it now more than ever.

Oh, Kirsten. Kirsten.

It doesn't quite work that way.

You see, Stacey Freeman will get what she deserves.

Just like you, just like everyone.

Naughty and nice.

The fitting gifts for all

whether you've been honest or kind,

and for those who've been trying to kill

a defenseless old man!

Oh, come on.

It was so blates an accident. She didn't mean it.

Yeah.

I-I'm real sorry, Santa, I only wanted to catch you.

And burying me?

Very, very naughty.

That was her idea.

Hey, screw you! I'm only eight years old!

Why you listening to me anyway?

Language.

Okay, so what are you gonna do?

Give us lump of coal or something?

You know, I've never,

I've never really cared much for mercy.

After all, there's nothing quite like the sound

of little brats screaming as they're being eaten alive!

Jesus, Mary, gingerbread.

Kirsten, you need to come downstairs right away.

♪ Baby, when I see you, I'm finally awake ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ We can build a world for just you and me, babe ♪

♪ So come on, let's make it ♪

♪ No one can tear us apart ♪

♪ We can make our own reality ♪

♪ No one can tear us apart ♪

So Chad actually proposed to me twice.

The first time he did, I didn't have my nails done,

so I said, "No, I can't marry you."

And honestly, I was like,

"You need to get your nails done too."

And I need to wax him before we go on our honeymoon.

Wait, he's taking you where on your honeymoon?

To a private island on the Seychelles.

It's so beautiful and isolated.

There'll be no one there but us.

Your life is literally magic.

I know.

Did you know the, uh,

only surviving bare-legged scops owls

were found in the Seychelles in 1959?

Everyone thought that they were extinct

but they're actually just very solitary birds.

Oh, Leif. My prince, my warrior.

I can't stand being away from you all day.

My love, every moment we are apart

is like an eternity in frigid darkness.

And yet, every time I awake to see your face, I am reborn.

Now,

come hither.

Ah, and these must be the worship hats

of your Christ-mas deity Santar that you have spoken of.

Actually, it's Santa and not Santar.

And he's not a deity.

But he travels from his ice realm

around the globe in a single evening.

Rewarding the good children and smiting the evil ones.

Does that not make him a god?

Hmm. (gasps) They're coming!

Like, honestly, Chad is really smart,

but sometimes he's like really stupid in a specific way.

Kate, this looks amazing.

I thought your last window design,

the Viking Thanksgiving was something, but wow.

Did you pick out this shirt, Kate?

Stylin'.

My Great Uncle Frank in Boca Raton has one just like it.

And Christmas trees on a beach.

That makes a lot of sense.

They usually don't grow there.

I think it's a lot of fun. Very creative.

This one's staring at you, Kate.

Is he your boyfriend?

Whoops.

Don't touch him.

Ew.

What's your damage?

Janine, Angela, Corporate is coming

to approve this window design in the morning.

Gather as many beach props as you can from storage

and bring them up here for Kate.

Have fun with your dolls.

♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-lame ♪

What does it have to do with Christmas?

There you are.

That woman who removed my swim cloak,

she spoke to you with great disrespect.

I know. She's just so much cooler than me.

I...

She just has a better life.

But her life lacks magic, Kate.

I had been trapped in this statue for over a thousand years.

Passed from seafarers to merchants to department stores,

awaiting some kind of force that could disrupt

the evil sea creatures, a cursed magic.

And that force, that force was you, Kate.

More powerful than Odin himself.

'Tis only your adoring gaze and none other

that could disrupt the narkin's curse

and finally revive me.

I've found my true love, as have you.

Does that not make your life better?

Oh, Leif.

What will I do when they take you away

to display you in that window?

I don't wanna share you with them.

It will only be one lunar cycle

during your Christ-mas festival.

Before you know it, we'll be back here again.

Alone.

- Oh my. - Together.

I don't know if I can handle a whole month without you.

Then let us seize the moment.

But what if they come back?

No. No more talking.

Oh, Kate.

You are my one true love.

And we all live together for-

I, uh, was just tidying up his bathing suit. Yes.

Okay.

Hat, gloves.

Yeah, let's go.

Uh, you know, Kate.

Ever since your first day working here,

I have really admired your creativity.

But, you know, ever since we got this mysterious shipment

of mannequins from Norway,

your work has been truly inspired.

I really appreciate that, Maya.

I love building these displays.

I can create my own,

my own world,

my own reality.

A-and I think maybe for the first time

in my whole life I've found true joy.

There's magic here.

Real magic.

And I can feel it flowing through my body like a tide.

And I just wanna be here all the time.

Forever.

What has happened to my arm, Kate?

Ah! Ah, it hurts!

Oh, why have you cursed me so, retched Odin?

No, where are you going, Kate?

I'm not going!

Ah!

No, I don't,

I don't want to die, Kate. - You're not gonna die.

- Ah, ah, ah! - I have to stop the bleeding.

One, two, three.

Oh no. Oh no.

Oh God. Oh God.

The darkness

is creeping in. - Stop! No.

The void.

It beckons me.

No, no, Leif, stay with me.

I'm surrounded by nothingness.

Stop. Stay with me.

Please. No. - Kate.

I wa-I waited a thousand years to live again.

''Tis my honor to die

in the arms

of my true love.

No, Leif, please!

No, please, please!

No, please, no!

No.

No!

No! Please don't leave me.

Kate.

My God.

What did you do?

He was bleeding.

I don't...

Why would you take his arm?

Okay.

Okay, I think maybe you should

take the rest of the night off.

Give me the arm.

- I've been work- - I have to fix him.

There's nobody else here, Kate.

I am the only one who could see him.

And he's the only one

who really sees me. - Okay, Kate. Kate.

It isn't real.

Kate! - He waited

a thousand years for me!

He is not going to die like this.

Give it to me! - Kate. It's not real.

Give it to me!

Give it to me! - Kate!

Were you two just arm wrestling?

That's funny.

Ladies, let's give Kate some space.

She's making some changes.

Take Viking Thanksgiving down to storage.

But my nails are-

Take Viking Thanksgiving down to storage!

Kate?

Kate, is it okay to leave you alone?

- Yes! Leave me alone! - Oh!

Please.

Please, please, please.

Please, please, please.

Leif?

Leif, talk to me.

My love.

Oh, you're alive!

My arm.

I'm whole again!

Yeah.

Kate, you saved me.

Leif, it's not safe here.

We have to go somewhere where no one can rip you apart.

Somewhere, somewhere isolated,

and the trip will take days,

weeks even.

And, and, and, and we'll see less and less people.

And, and you'll be born more human.

And, and eventually we'll be all alone

where no one can see us.

And, and we'll be together forever.

But where will we go?

The Seychelles.

Ah.

Of course.

Lovely owls.

It's safe.

Oh my. It's glorious.

Wait till you see Times Square.

Ooh, is it full of clocks?

And we will be together forever.

No! Please don't leave me.

No! No, no, no, no!

No! No!

Stop.

No, no, no!

Stop!

Stop! Stop!

♪ Baby, when I see you, I'm finally awake ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ We can build a world with just you and me, babe ♪

♪ So come on, let's make it ♪

♪ No one can tear us apart ♪

♪ We can make our own reality ♪

♪ No one can tear us apart ♪