Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.MX

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[jingle bells]

- [Radio Man] Ah enough of the picky pack,

well the weird weather continues, no snow this Christmas.

Now that's a first but in exchange,

we can expect some chilly gusty winds.

How about 60 miles per hour folks, what's goin' on here?

Those heading out for the long three day weekend

you'll want to steer clear of the downtown corridor.

We got toilets tying up traffic,

it's a strange new world Harry.

Hey this is Ray Horner, WAKR.

[playful music]

[laughs and sighs]

[cell phone ringing]

- Not now Lou.

[cars honking and yelling]

God a little help here please!

[laughter]

- [Voiceover] Easy!

[dramatic music]

[whimpering and crashing]

[sighs]

[Christmas music]

Merry Christmas.

- Finally, I was this close to giving him a foot rub.

Also, your brother called like 10 times.

- What are you wearing?

- Christmas gift, he made me wear it.

- You don't have to wear that.

What did my brother want?

- He wouldn't say, he was talking so fast.

Something about the end is near or beer or here,

the end is beer, could that be it?

- No, no, no, it's Armageddon again, perfect.

Go be with your family, enjoy your children

while you still have write off, Merry Christmas.

Donald, I am so sorry.

- Christmas time is not the time,

why am I here waiting for you?

- Yes, and I'm very sorry I got here

as soon as I could, trust me.

- Muffins are what pays your bills, trust that!

- Yes, ah?

- Bran new, that's what I'm callin 'em, bran new.

Get it, 'cause it's bran and--

- New, that's clever.

- And they got icing on the top, a little cherry.

Bran muffin with icing, ain't nobody doin' that

besides the muffin king, boom!

- Boom!

- This thing weighs a ton.

- Those are your taxes.

- How come you're always tryna bring me down man?

This is more like war and peace.

- Well, war and peace had a happy ending.

Donald, if there were another write off that

I could find for you, trust me I would

tear apart my whole house to find it for you.

- Eat or be eaten.

- I don't?

- I want you to eat at the IRS Martin,

no more taxes, no more taxes,

that's all I wanna hear from you Martin, no more taxes!

[phones ringing and knocking]

What's goin' on?

What, you didn't like my gift?

- I'm sorry Martin but your brother absolutely will not

take no for an answer, I don't know how he's done it

but he's got ever line in the office ringing at once.

[phones ringing]

- Go enjoy yourself, have fun at the party, I got it.

Little family crisis, take me a second.

This better be good Sam.

[playful music]

- [Sam] Spidey, over here.

[grunting]

- Never gets old.

Stocked, armed and ready.

Little Christmas gift to the fam.

Food, shelter and if I don't have, I can make it or kill it.

- Where's my daughter?

- In the house, she might even be sober by now.

[chugging]

- That is so disgusting.

- Just 'cause your dad didn't kill it.

- My dad doesn't call dead animals art Gordy.

Could you turn that down,

I'm trying to make a phone call here.

[gun fire]

Such a total moron.

Hey, there you are, is everything--

- [Martin] Let's go!

- That is so rude. - [Martin] Zip it!

- Zip it, oh let me guess, Leave it to Beaver?

- Get in the car.

- You are so weird, I can believe we're related.

Bye Uncle Sammie Sam, Aunt Marilyn,

absolutely love what you've done with the place

and the tin foil window dressing is very

redneck bunker chic, lovin' it!

- Again, my apologies.

- It happens.

- Take control Marty.

A river's risin' and you're goin' under.

Little Christmas girl for you and the fam.

Read it, watch it, do it!

We did it, saved our lives course,

I was always more prepared to handle that kinda thing.

- You've become a very scary guy Sam.

- Be scary, or be scared.

- Scaredy scared.

- Let's go.

- What happened to your nice new car?

- Why do you care?

- Sometimes you are so pathetic.

- Yeah well sometimes you're like so grounded,

like right now.

Drinking, going off to college and now you're drinking.

- No, are you really gonna listen

to anything your creepy brother says,

you can't see he's yanking your chain like usual.

I wasn't drinking, hello, look father come in,

I don't drink, gross.

- Oh yeah, then how come the cops arrested ya?

- First of all, I wasn't arrested I was escorted here.

Second of all, it wasn't the police.

- Okay, go on.

- You sure you can handle it?

- Bring it.

- Regis and I--

- Oh God, Regis is that the harry guy with the tattoos?

- You know what, forget it.

Can we just go home, you're not listening

and as usual you're not here.

[playful music]

- Hey, where's your mother?

- So lame.

[cheerful music]

[dog whining]

[water drops]

- Kids, I'm home!

[television]

Jessie, you didn't hear me?

- [Jessie] Lights please!

- You have a kiss for daddy?

- Tina says we were rude and

you can turn the lights back on.

- Okay.

So, what did you and Tina do today?

- Watch TV, Santa from the Mall was on the news

but the police took him away, he looked skinny.

Tina says he was a fake one.

I told her we shouldn't watch so much TV but she likes it.

- Have you and Tina had dinner?

And where is your brother?

- He's keeping an eye on me.

- Okay.

Hey buddy.

Adam!

Hi dad.

Right.

Hey I was gonna make a little dinner downstairs, you hungry?

[beeping]

[playful music]

- When is Splatter's puppies gonna come?

- I don't know soon I just hope someone's home when they do.

- Here you go.

- I thought you loved franks and beans.

- Splatter loves franks and beans.

- Oh, well what do you like to eat then?

- Cereal.

- You can't have cereal for dinner.

- What about Tina?

- Well you definitely can't have Tina for dinner [laughs].

- I think you upset her.

- [Mom] Hey guys.

- Mommy!

- Hey, oh you and Tina didn't feel like pizza today?

- What pizza?

- The pizza I told Lou to order,

I gave her money this morning.

- Oh, she spent it on booze for her boyfriend.

- [laughs] Exaggeration Boyce Martin.

I talked to her, wrong place, wrong time.

We have all been there.

I am not gonna get into this with you.

Come on, let's go get a Christmas tree

you know, before Christmas actually happens, come on.

Come on kids, Christmas tree!

- You know a toilet fell on me today?

[Christmas jingle]

- That one, that one, Tina likes that one!

[laughter]

Tina says he's not the real Santa either.

- I want this one.

It's 8'6", perfect for a nine foot ceiling.

- Great, let's grab it and go.

- No, no, no, not so fast.

- Your girl made a fine choice there,

that's the best tree in the lot.

- Come on, show me the good stuff!

- Martin let's not make a big deal,

all these trees are beautiful.

- Just the smell, smell it.

- That's a good tree.

- I'd burn it as firewood.

Yeah for munchkins maybe.

Now that's a tree.

Jessie's in her pajamas everyday, the same ones.

Morning, noon and night.

- [laughs] I put my money on Tina.

- Oh yeah well and her.

Jessie freaks out that I don't wanna give her doll Tina

a birthday party and then what do I do, I cave.

- [Wife] Oh it was sweet.

- Yeah it's preposterous is what it is.

$413.16, thinking of claiming her as a dependent.

- Aw, there's my accountant, always looking for a write on.

- Well with Adam you know his voice could've changed by now

and I wouldn't know it 'cause you gotta make an appointment

with his door to talk to him.

- He's buying the stuff, look on the bright side babe,

least he can spell.

- You know he invented a little camera,

he's goin' around spying on us.

- Oh it's just a toy, it's pretty ingenious if you ask me.

I think every family can use a Macgyver.

Speaking of which babe, you gotta fix that shower.

I need my shower fixed.

- It's weird, the whole spying thing.

- Look if you don't like what you see do something about it.

Just take some responsibility, take control.

- Take control?

Okay, everybody keeps telling me to take control.

What does that even mean?

- Martin try connected with your children.

- How, what do you want me to do,

Skype 'em, text 'em, Tweet 'em, I work.

- Oh here we go, so do I Martin, raising our children.

- [Martin] What's with all the classes?

What did you take this week, was it ceramics,

dance, kung-fu, interpretive baking, what was it tonight?

- I've told you several times

and as usual you never pay attention.

- Oh I pay attention, people pay me to pay attention.

- Well then you should know, all in all Lou,

she's a pretty good kid, try cuttin' her some slack.

Lights please.

[laughs]

- [Tree] Hey, you destroyed me.

- You were too tall.

[calming music]

- It doesn't take a genius to realize that with each passing

day, we give up one more piece of control in our daily

lives, we have become slaves to technology and worst of all

our children, our future, they're unmotivated,

their morals eroding in the face of uncertainty.

They hopelessly walk the streets like zombies,

passing through a data mushroom cloud, speaking a language

we no longer understand but rest assured,

there is one last sliver of hope, the three day test.

The ground rules are simple, without discussion

turn off every utility and service coming into your house.

Water, power, gas, phone, cable, satellite, all of it.

Collect the cell phones, lock the windows, lock the doors,

no one in, no one out for 72 hours, that is three full days.

The world outside no longer exists.

You're gonna wanna spring this on your family

without warning and at the most inappropriate time

as that is how true emergencies develop.

Now is the time to make that choice, take it or be taken.

- Eat or be eaten Martin.

- Scary or be scared.

- You had me a cataclysmic pal.

- Alright then, let's get started.

[Christmas music]

[crashing and grunting]

- Okay, let's see here.

[Christmas music]

Jessie, Lou, Adam, Jackie!

Everybody up, let's go, let's go, everybody upstairs,

downstairs, let's go, move it, move it, move it!

The world as we know it is over, this is a test.

- A test, what are you talking about?

- A test of survival, boom!

- Sam.

- Been there, seen that, not that interested, boom, bye.

- Stay, alright, for the next three days time is stopped.

Everything that we've come to depend on is gone.

No water, no power, no heat.

- Are you out of your mind?

- Yes I'm out of my mind, off the hook.

Speaking of which, no phones.

- What?

- Yeah, no one go in this house, no one leaves this house

for three days and three nights, 72 hours.

- It's freezing in here, what happened to the heat.

- The heat is off, if we don't make it in here,

it doesn't exist.

- What happened to our windows.

- Blacked out, the cruel world stays outside

[laughs] and we stay inside.

- You painted our windows black.

- Yeah.

- He's lost it, happened to Cara's dad,

moved the whole family to North Dakota

to build canoes from scratch.

- We're gonna build a canoe?

- Okay honey, this is about last night right?

Fine, you've made your point okay.

Now turn on the heat, I'll make some pancakes.

- No, no, no, wait this is about the last 17 years.

This is about finding us again.

I want my family back.

[calming music]

- You sure this where the toilet dude lives?

- Absolutely.

- That's pretty weird huh?

- Maybe it hit him a little harder than they thought.

- Yeah apparently, I'm smellin' a bigger deal here.

- You know what, I hope so, I truly hope so

because my parents didn't spend 100 grand

to put me through college for a, "Man gets hit by

port-o-potty topping our news story."

- George, George chill.

- My mama would whoop me.

- George.

- That doesn't feel good.

- Cool, alright man, what else you got on this guy?

- Says here the guy's an accountant, his firm does taxes.

- That sounds totally--

- Stressful?

- Okay, we're gonna be warmer sleeping together

in the living room.

- We'd be warmer if you turned on the heat.

- You think you're free don't ya.

- I guess.

- Now you're not, you're a slave.

All that stuff in your room,

the oil, oil heats the house, drives your car.

- I don't drive dad.

- Alright, where's all the camping gear?

Up in the attic?

- I'm on it.

- Would that be the ton of camping gear you bought for

the trip to Yellowstone that never happened there Yogi?

- We got too busy to go camping.

- Martin, it's freezing.

- Yeah well, layers, it's survival not yoga, Yogi.

- Get in here, now!

Take off that stupid hat!

- You know, you lose 30 percent

of your body heat through your head.

- I'm not doing this Martin, it's Christmas.

You have us locked in our house.

This has Sam written all over it.

- This is me taking control, he said it, you say it,

every one says, now I'm doin' it,

I gotta do this now Jackie.

Just say I love you Martin.

- Of course I love you but right now,

I wanna get dressed, I wanna go get a latte,

do some Christmas shopping, it's Christmas.

- I used to love Christmas, where did it go?

But now Christmas is just another excuse

for everyone to melt their credit cards,

go further into debt and then expect me to fix it.

Well I say no, no more shopping, no more showers,

no more lattes, no more connectivity unless it's in person

under this roof, I'm taking a stand,

we are unplugging from this lunacy.

- No, Martin, you're plugging right into it.

Kids get dressed, we're goin' out.

- Jackie, I really need this, we need this.

- I can't do this for you Martin.

It's Christmas and this is nuts.

This is just you and Sam doin' the same old thing.

So get over it okay, I am done with this, it is crazy!

Put that stuff down we're goin' out.

- What do you two bozos think you're doing?

- We're here to do a story on your neighbor.

- Why, he's an idiot.

- Construction toilet fell on him yesterday.

- We're here to ask him the question everyone wants to know.

What does it feel like to get hit by a toilet?

- Well, you'd better hurry then,

'cause I've just called the cops on him.

- Why?

- I think he's got his family hostage in there.

- Jessie go find your brother and sister

and tell them we are leaving now with or without them.

- You know, I haven't asked for anything in 17 years.

Three days is all I ask, is that so much to ask?

- Yes, you wanna lock yourself in here fine,

I've already done it.

My friends have careers, I have carpools.

They talk business, I can't form

a sentence that doesn't end in pee-pee.

You know, you wanna do something really constructive?

Use those tools you have on display in the garage

to fix the drain in the shower before the ceiling caves in!

I could've had a plumber do it six months ago

but no, you wanted to save the $538.42 by doing it yourself.

Well now, it's double that and counting.

- Jackie, do you know what I am?

I am a bean counter, k, day in, day out

I account for other people's lives.

I never take the time to account for ours.

- And whose fault is that?

- Mine, we live in a nice house, in a nice neighborhood,

on a nice block, we've got the whole package,

but what do we really know, seriously,

what do we really know about anything?

How socks get made.

- Ask Cara's dad, I'm sure he can

knit you a pair between canoes.

- Seriously, we take so much for granted.

Uh Jackie, we kinda need the water, so you might not wanna--

[toilet flushing]

- The power's out.

- Ugh, Martin, Jessie get in the car please.

Lou could you open the door?

- What, with my hands?

- Nevermind I got it.

- [Lou] This is so lame.

[sad music]

[skidding tires]

[police sirens]

- Martin Taylor, please come out the front door

with your hands up, you are surrounded.

[suspenseful music]

- What?

- Drop your weapon!

- What?

- The frying pan Martin.

- Go.

- [Cops] Get down on the ground!

[screaming]

- Hello Network News.

- [Police Chief] Okay guys up.

- I'm swallowing blood.

- Are you Martin Taylor?

- Yeah.

- You know why we're here?

- No.

- Were you holding your family hostage inside your house?

- Huh?

- No.

- We have reason to believe you were.

- Well you heard wrong.

- Ma'am please.

- No you back off, get off him now!

- Ma'am I'm gonna ask you straight out,

was your husband holding you or any member

of your family against their will inside that house?

- Well--

- Jackie!

- I'm kidding, no, no, of course not, that's ridiculous.

- Ma'am, now's the time for truth.

- Kids get over here.

The rest of you, back off, this is private property.

I don't know what you think is going on here

but you are mistaken, just move it now, all of you.

- Who, who said I was holding my family hostage?

Who, who was it?

- Look, clearly there's been a little mix up.

- Oh a little mix up is that what this is, a little mix up?

Well this is not over, I'm an accountant

and I know people who know people.

- Martin down, down boy listen, please just take your guns

and your big toys with all the flashing lights.

Just go home k, we'll call it even.

- You heard the lady, go home!

Show's over, go back in your houses!

Eat or be eaten!

- Seriously, calm down.

- [Cameraman] Hey dude, how does it feel to get hit

by a toilet flying from the sky?!

- Jona made it three days in a whale's belly

without power and stuff.

- Okay, you got three days.

- What, are you kidding?!

- Three days Martin, you want your family back,

hop in the belly, here we are.

- Hop in the belly, a whale,

am I totally missing something here?

- Are you serious?

- Since we can't go Christmas shopping,

consider this my Christmas gift to you.

- That kinda stinks.

- Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.

- Alright, I'm gonna go make breakfast

without water, power, or gas.

- Gum?

- Alright, so what do you think, hey?

- Oh yeah, we hey, we most definitely hey.

- Candles?

- Check.

- Check, flashlights and lanterns?

- Uhh, check.

- Check, you know Adam when the power runs out

on that thing that's it right?

- Don't worry dad, you do it your way, I'll do mine.

- We might need to start thinkin' about rationing the chow.

Just for--

- We have food Martin, not tons but enough.

- I can make food, see?

- We can't eat clay dumbo.

- Tina does dumbo.

- Tina's a doll moron.

- She is not and you're whatever you just said.

- Oh yeah.

[screaming]

- Enough guys!

- Mm, how do you like it so far?

- [Lou] So lame.

- Oh fyi there's no water in the downstairs toilet

if that's where you're headed.

- You can thank your mother for that.

The average toilet tank in every older home

holds about three gallons of water, unflushed toilet water,

we've got two bathrooms, that's two times three, that's six.

We're here for three days--

- Wait we're drinking toilet water?

Eww, is that even healthy?

- Tank water, it's fine.

Necessity is the mother of invention alright.

Next is firewood, firewood.

- I don't think we have any outside either.

- You can always burn that pamphlet.

- Ah that's funny Lou but that means you're thinking!

Let's see, burn furniture.

[playful music]

- Oh no, no you don't, no you don't.

Hey.

- Uh, that's Lou's changing table.

Ah, not ready, not ready.

- Honey she's outta diapers,

she's going to college next year.

- Not yet.

Gordy's desk, I can't.

- Oh you can, yeah that's hideous.

I'm freezing and grandpa,

God rest his soul, it's gonna keep us warm.

[sighs]

[calming music]

- Look, the clock is dead.

Some strange, ironic act of fate,

the Taylor family killed time

on their way to killing themselves.

- I like that Lou, very clever.

- Look at the bright side, at least we'll look

like runway models on our way to starvation.

- Yeah if the hypothermia doesn't get us first.

- I've got a great idea,

how 'bout we decorate that Christmas tree.

- Ornaments are in the attic, I'm on it.

- No, no, no, better idea.

We make our ornaments from stuff that's laying around the

house, maybe like Jessie's art supplies, that's a cool idea.

- So cool, give me my phone so I can Tweet it.

- Paper angels!

- Oh that's a great idea.

- There's our angel.

We make stars made out of aluminum foil

and strings of cranberry and popcorn.

- Oh which of course we will get from

the cranberry and popcorn tree in our kitchen.

- Come on team, where's the Christmas spirit?

You think they used to make Christmas decorations

out of old cheap ornaments and tacky tinsel?

No, they made their own, they made their own Christmas.

They went out and chopped down the tree

and caught a wild turkey.

- And at night they would dream of microwaves,

and iPods and a cure for small pox.

- Tina likes this idea.

- Enough said, Tina has spoken.

- You're gonna burn down the house Martin.

- It's lit.

- Tina wants to know if we're gonna burn the house down.

- If it does, are we allowed to leave?

- I think the tree has spoken.

- Okay, check it out, how 'bout this for a reality show.

So check it out, you take out 10 spoken supermodels,

you stick 'em on a deserted island with some

blue collar guy for like a month, the guy's a real loser.

- Someone like you?

- Man I've done real news, I've been in the trenches,

I paid the price, I've seen stuff that you couldn't handle.

I'm tellin' you, reality TV is the new news.

You see everything from the, [mumbles]

to the beauty of God's creation.

- And that's what's happening with you

and 10 supermodels or a deserted island?

- Yeah.

- You need help.

- 20 years ago did you ever think we'd be here today?

- Yesterday I didn't think we'd be here today.

- Even in high school I knew I wanted to marry you.

You were so beautiful, loads of common sense, a good heart.

- You, could count really well.

Wait a minute, you married up, no fair.

- Seriously, did you ever regret marrying me?

'Cause I would hate to think we've gone this far

and you had any regrets.

- No I'm not sorry I married you.

I don't have any regrets.

Or feeling in my toes.

[suspicious music]

- [Sam] Role call little brother!

[screaming]

- Sam?

- That's right, it's your Uncle Sam

and I want you and you and you and you.

- Sam get out of my house now!

- No problem Jackie, we already got what we came for.

- I can see your zits through your mask Gordon.

- My name is Night Crawler.

- Oh how a appropriate, a worm.

- Lockin' yourself inside, nice Marty

but that's only half of it.

When the real battles starts, the marauders will come

and they'll take your food, then they'll take your women

and children to start a new world.

- You touch me or my children I'll call the cops.

You can start your new world in prison.

- Alright Jackie, come on, it's just a game.

He's just tryna make it a little realistic for us.

- Because that's the way it's gonna happen.

- Why are you such a twerp around him?

Would you stand up for yourself, defend your family.

- That's a girl, bring it Jackie.

You're right Marty, right now it's just a game

but when that day comes, there won't be any police

or any phones to call 'em on Jackie.

- Martin, do something.

- Okay alright, listen Sam, the fun's over.

Now get going home, get out, scram, skedaddle.

- Serious dad, did you grow up in 1925?

- Oh we're leavin' Marty but just remember

night after night, they'll come in waves night after night.

Oh, I almost forgot.

- [Jackie] Sam, Sam!

[gun shot and screaming]

- [laughs] Come on man you've got this beautiful family

and the best you can do to protect them is a

hide a key fake rock.

Maybe you're not as smart as you look.

Gordon!

- Uh oh worm, looks like daddy's angry.

Run along like a good little soldier.

- [Sam] Gordon!

- [Gordon] Stop, I'm coming.

- Is it true, Uncle Sam took all our food.

- Well not all of it, don't you guys see what he's doing?

- [mumbles], cut him off for good behavior?

- No, in his own weird way

he's actually trying to protect us.

- Well now I'm going to try in my own weird way

to protect us, the power's going back on

we are returning to Earth.

- You mean that same Earth with all the weird weather,

random acts of violence and bomb crazy dictators

making every day a guess game?

Jackie I'm tired of livin' in the dark.

- All the more reason to turn on the lights.

- Just well then do it for the children.

- You really think beating Sam at this ridiculous game

of tug of war you've been playing for 30 years

is somehow gonna make life better for your kids?

- Maybe in some weird Nightmare Before Christmas,

ET, Castaway, Home Alone kinda way, yeah I do.

- He's taken everything, it's freezing in here,

we have nothing to eat and your children are afraid.

- Come on guys, let's be pioneers, let's have an adventure.

How many guys do you know that

get to have a Christmas like this?

- The Pilgrims.

- What do you mean we got nothin' to eat,

we got food, there's plenty of food.

See food, let there be food.

- Not the table.

- Jessie's fake clay hamburger's

lookin' pretty good right about now.

- You want heat, let there be heat.

Burn this, I'm giving you the shirt off my back Jackie.

- Two more days Martin, make them count.

- Careful you don't start a new fashion trend there.

- Oh yeah, shabby, shabby.

Hey, what is A-Dog Productions?

- That's Adam's label.

- Label?

- Yeah, he downloads music, movies, whatever

and makes copies of them and

then sells them to his friends at school.

- Hey isn't that illegal?

- Oh come on guys, seriously,

how do you think he affords all that stuff in his room?

- I thought I bought it for him.

- Yeah well think again Sherlock.

Mom, seriously I need to let Regis know I'm okay.

I don't want him to worry, how can I do that?

- Who?

- Regis, what is it the name, you can't remember the name?

There are only two in the world and mine isn't 100.

- I don't really care about the name,

all I can see is hair and tattoos.

- What is it with you and what is up with this hair thing?

Regis practically shaves his head.

- Bald and then covered in tattoos.

He's practically a convict.

Next you're gonna tell me he's

shoving a earring in his nose.

- That would be a nose ring Martin.

- Nose ring, that's it, that's the last step

before they're gone for good,

they start callin' you by your first name.

- Dad, he doesn't have a nose ring

and his hair is short because he plays football

and he only has one little tattoo, that matches mine.

- You have a tattoo?

My baby has a tattoo?

Ahh, is it hot in here?

- Martin, foot off the pedal okay?

She's pushing your buttons.

- Tattoos, no tattoos, boyfriends,

why don't we know any of this stuff?

You're her mother, why don't you know this?

- Woah, once again you are under the impression

that handling all this stuff is all up to me.

You are her father.

- I'm boiling hot, I'm gonna go talk to her.

- Just sweetie, take a breathe okay?

This is not an audit, she's not the IRS,

calm down, you can't go in there like a locomotive.

- Okay, I've got this under control.

I think I'm gonna be fine.

You're 17!

There is a time for everything okay.

You're gonna graduate high school this year

and next year you go to college, 50 years from now--

- Dad, stop.

- You know what?

I wanna see the tattoos, I wanna see those tattoos,

show 'em to me right now.

Has Reggie seen 'em?

- Regis!

And seriously, you know nothing about me.

You know nothing about anything

except for crunching stupid numbers.

You know sometimes life isn't in the math dad.

Look at me, me, do you actually think I would mess up this

velvety pristine skin that I moisturize three times daily.

Do you actually think I would mess that up with ink?

- So you don't have a tattoo?

- If you have to ask then I can't help you.

- Okay, I've been somewhat derelict in my duties.

- Nice word, means nothing.

- How 'bout we change it, how 'bout we start talkin' now.

We can talk about the boyfriends and tattoos,

and everything, the good, the bad, the ugly.

- For what, three days?

What's that's supposed to accomplish?

In four days everything goes back to the way it was?

You've had 17 years.

Please leave, alright, I'll play along with your stupid game

but right now I don't feel like talking.

- I lost.

- Yeah, when you start eating your old fruit cake, I agree.

- Lou, it's not her, it's me.

I've lost her, I was not there for her.

- Oh honey, don't be so hard on yourself.

She's your baby girl, she's growin' up and you're worried.

- Another glorious normal phase.

- Exactly.

- Is she gonna be ready?

Have we really prepared her for the world,

this world, that world?

- Honey, she'll be fine and speaking of lost,

I can't find Adam, I've looked everywhere.

- What?!

- I think he left the house.

- No, no, no, no, he's gotta be around here somewhere.

He's a good kid, he probably know we're onto him

about all this DVD stuff and he knows

we're gonna have to deal with it sooner or later.

- Daddy, I'm not allowed to tell

but I think Tina knows where Adam is.

- Where is he?

- Adam will get mad if I tell.

So maybe Tina can tell you instead.

- Jessie, Tina's a doll, she's eight inches

of cotton, plastic and a bad wig

that's gonna cost me around $10,000 in birthday parties

for the next 20 years okay, maybe we can just talk

to each other directly don't you think that'd be nice?

It'd be cheaper, tell me where your brother is.

- Smooth.

- Jessie, sweetie, I'm really sorry

that I said that to you, I apologize, that was mean.

- [Jessie] Are you going to apologize to Tina?

- I'm sorry Tina.

I really am sorry Tina, I do mean that.

- Okay, Tina forgives you.

- You were right, ran outta juice.

- Mind tellin' me what you're doin' up here.

- I don't know, wanna bite?

- Jessie go down and tell mom we found Adam.

We'll be right down okay?

- K, sorry.

- It's okay.

- So what is this place?

- I don't know, just a place.

- Wanna tell me about all the DVD stuff?

- I don't know, sure I guess.

- Now first I just wanna make sure you downloaded music

and movies off the internet and sold it to your friends.

- I guess.

- But you know that's wrong and illegal,

kinda a big deal Adam.

You know your Uncle Sam and my dad are an awful lot alike.

They like hunting and fishing and

bringin' home a lot of dead smelly things.

I actually hated it, I wasn't that into it but

I wanted so badly to share what they had.

I wanted the attention that Sam had.

- So did you start killin' stuff?

- I tried, always kinda made me puke a little but

what I did do I did things that I knew would make my dad mad

I grew my hair long, I listened to music I knew

he detested and I even stole stuff.

- You stole stuff, like what?

- Jeans.

- You stole jeans?

- Oh not just any jeans, acid washed jeans.

[laughs] It made him really angry.

- So wait, why are you mad at me if you did it too?

- Well first of all, stealing is stealing

no matter how you cut it, it's wrong.

Now second of all, I'm not mad at ya.

It's my job as your dad to help

you understand right from wrong.

Thinking back to stealin' those jeans,

it was just a dumb kid thing to do.

The bigger part of it was that I was really just tryna

flag down my old man and say, I'm here too.

- So how do we fix it?

- I don't know, got any ideas.

- Not really.

- Alright, why don't you just sit here

and you think about it, we'll figure it out together.

- I'm sorry.

- Me too.

[playful music]

- Okay take the dumbest weirdest looking redneck

you can find in the country right?

You give 'em a tan, you bleach his teeth,

you cut off his mullet if he has one,

you put 'em in some designer clothes,

you send him on a date with a supermodel.

Redneck Redo, now that's a show America will watch.

- Is there any idea floating around

in that extremely goofy brain of yours

that doesn't completely degrade women?

- What are you talkin' about?

I love women, all women.

[knocking]

- What are you two screw balls still doin' out here?

- Nothin' just hangin'.

- You get too cold out here, feel free to drop in

for a cup of something hot to warm you up.

- That's nice.

[smacks lips]

What was that?

I'm not that old.

- [laughter] You're old.

[upbeat Christmas music]

- Night after night, the marauders will come.

Now bring it on big brother [laughs].

- [Jackie] Marty hurry.

- What?

- Hey shh shh shh shh.

- Puppies!

[whimpering]

- Martin, put down the flashlight.

- Oh yes I'm sorry, there we go.

One, two, three, breathe in, breathe out.

[mimics breathing]

- Sweetie, I'm pretty sure it's not the same thing.

- Oh.

- You know truthfully, this is a little disgusting.

I don't think I'm ever gonna get pregnant.

- Actually I'm okay with that.

- That's not disgusting, it's beautiful.

[wind and crashing]

[screaming]

- [Jackie] What?

Jessie what?

- Thanks for the puppies, they'll make great watch dogs.

- [Jackie] Sam!

- They took Tina too, she's gone.

That's it Martin, he stole our dog.

[dramatic music]

- You, get in here, come on!

- Hello North Dakota.

- Couple days ago I told Don Brendall

that I would tear apart my own house

to find a tax deduction, then I got to thinkin'

over 50 percent of my taxes payments go

to some part of the Department of Defense

which is around 630 billion dollars,

two percent of which goes to Civil Defense,

which is constructing shelters and early warning systems,

so then I thought why can't this test be part of that budget

and have it deductible, so based on my salary

that deduction would end up being around $9,232.16.

If Sam wants a war, we'll give him a war.

But we'll have the other Uncle Sam pay for it.

[laughter] This is brilliant.

Oh and this test will be televised.

The IRS is gonna want proof of the test.

- It's a hole, daddy's making booby traps like Home Alone.

- Night after night, the marauders will return.

- Three days and three nights,

Uncle Sam's comin' back but we're

gonna get to him before he gets to us.

- Excuse me, yeah that didn't exactly work last night

with your pots and pans.

- It's okay we're not gonna be doin' alarms,

there's gonna be booby traps, I'm talkin' big booby traps

like extreme home makeover booby traps.

- Am I the only one seeing this here,

you're talking about completely destroying

our house that is preposterous.

- Hey check it out, it says here

the power's out all over the city.

- Huh, let me see, ouch!

Wind blew out everything, that's weird.

[calming music]

- A blackout.

- Hold on, I'm still seein' a new shower outta this right?

- Oh God, we're half way there.

[dramatic music]

- [Cameraman] You're on.

- All Martin Taylor wanted was three days

away from the maddening crowd.

Three days away from the technological progress and moral

regression that has put a strangle hold on today's society

but in the process, family Taylor has been invaded by

the very forces they've tried to insulate themselves from.

An over zealous armed forces, noisy neighbors who ridicule

and point fingers, and yes, they've even been invaded by

the media, they've been pushed to their limit by one of

society's outcasts, Mr. Taylor's

own unstable survivalist brother Sam.

- Power, who says we don't have power.

- With their meager provisions pillaged,

their beloved pet stolen, and even one of their own,

Tina, the soul of their family taken hostage.

The Taylor family has endured and united

in a heroic effort to fight back the tide.

And yes, for better or worse,

come together under one roof with a common purpose.

[dramatic music]

Can the family Taylor do it?

Can they keep afloat against an under toe so strong

and has sucked into the darkness the very society

was meant to protect and inspire?

Alas, they are a metaphor for the little people,

you and I, the fate but enduring course crying out

for liberty and justice for all.

Their voyage is our voyage, their success is our success,

their failure is our failure,

God speak Taylor family, God speak.

[drum roll]

- Five minutes 'til the curtain, places please!

- So how'd I do?

- Your parents would be proud.

- Chh chh chh, give us a second.

Alright guys, I know this has been a pretty rotten Christmas

and I just wanted to let you know that after taking

a good hard look in the mirror and checking in with you,

I realized that the missing link in all this has been me

and for that I am sorry.

Now, let's go get 'em!

[cheering]

[mysterious music]

- [Gordon] Ow, I scratched my back.

- [laughs] Seriously Marty, you can do better than that.

- [Gordon] So stupid.

Wigs?

- Game on Gordy.

- It's Ni-

- Night Crawler.

[baby laugh]

- They're here.

- You're up.

- I'm on it.

- Downstairs.

- Roger that.

- Huh, nice.

- Hi Uncle Sam, so nice to see you.

- Alright Jess, you got me.

- Here, catch.

[lightning]

- [laughs] I'm not buyin' it, are you buyin' it Tina?

Tina's not buyin' it either Jess.

[gun shots]

[grunting]

- I'm buyin' that, strike!

[bowling pins]

- You're goin' down little brother.

- [laughs] Look who's talkin'.

[coughing]

- You too old man, I'm not that old.

- You're old.

- Tina!

- [Jessie] No leave her.

- Alright come on.

- Ho ho ho that hurt.

[suspenseful music]

- Come on, come here, night job, boom!

We got another player.

- Hmm.

- He swallowed the bait, hit it.

[grunting and yelling]

- We can't clay dumbo.

[dramatic music]

[smack]

- Come on Sam, you can do better than that.

- [Gordon] Dad, Night Crawler's down, I'm stuck.

- What are you doin'?

- I'm stuck.

- I'm standing right here, you can put that thing down

you dummy, we're in the middle of a battle.

Get unstuck, they're dug in upstairs.

Hurry, come on!

- Now my feet are cold.

- I need Night Crawler, not whiny the pooh.

Move it, come on, hurry!

- Okay, I'm coming, wait for me.

- Good start bro [laughs] yeah I like your spirit!

Oh what's this?

Okay, I think I'll start with door, number, two.

We're gonna go on a little recon.

You check out the rest of the rooms down here.

- Really?

- Yes really.

Where's your weapon?

- I don't know.

- Gordon, you're on your own now son.

- [crying] Come in Gordy.

Help me.

Gordy I'm so scared, I don't like this anymore.

- What happened?

- [Lou] Will you take me out of here?

[door slams]

- Woah, woah, woah [crashes] ow!

[grunting] No stop, please don't, no, oh no!

- Now that's art.

He's all yours.

- I wanna be on your team Uncle Marty.

- Maybe next time Gordy.

[grunts]

[footsteps]

- Fe fi fo fum I smell the blood of my nephew Adam [laughs].

Gotcha [laughs]!

[screaming]

- Hey big brother!

Go long.

[thud and grunting]

Remember that Sam, it's between you and me now, mano a mano.

- Game on!

- Go go go go go!

Can't even beat your unfair

disorganized little baby brother.

Be scary or be scared!

The world ain't goin' anywhere Sam

but this thing between you and me does end, tonight.

- The bathroom huh [chuckles], right back where you started!

- [Martin] Ha ha.

- You know what Marty, I'm proud of ya.

You finally cracked the nut and started standing up

for yourself, you're right, it ends tonight, you win.

Don't, don't wimp out on me now,

just surrendering my weapon.

Game over, I surrender.

[laughs] Don't just stand there, I give already.

I want you to know what victory smells like, what it does

to your soul, take me down, come on do it, do it!

- Okay get down.

Arms up, lower!

[laughs]

Hands where I can see 'em.

- Yes sir officer [laughs].

[grunting]

Goin' down.

[yells]

- Dad?

- [laughs] You think I'm blind?

Survival means knowing your surroundings

and playing them before they can play you.

- Oh yeah, how'd you miss this?!

Hi-yah!

[yelling and crashing]

[grunting]

Hey Marty!

- Oh karate, those are the classes you were taking.

[grunting]

- Dad, dad, dad?

- [Sam] You're tickling, stop the tickling [laughter].

[yelling and slapping]

[grunting and deep breathing]

- [Adam] Gotcha.

- [Jessie] Uh uh.

- [Adam] Not goin' that way.

- Oh come on.

[screaming]

[crashing]

- Ow, wow, that hurt.

- [sighs] I'm too old for this.

- That'll teach you to mess with Tina.

- Oh and another thing, you can huff and you can puff,

but you're never blowin' this house down again.

Game over.

- You're not gonna shoot me?

- Oh that's you and dad, I'm with Lou,

I don't call dead animals art.

Thanks for the gift buddy.

Love you bro.

- Can I get a towel or something?

I think I chipped a tooth.

- It makes you look cool Gordy, you'll live.

- Come here son.

- Come here.

- A little goofy but, what the hay.

- Why not?

- Did I just say what the hay?

[laughter]

[beeping]

- Hey guys, we did it, three days.

We did the test, we did it, we make it.

[celebrating]

- Come here, come here, let 'em do their thing.

I'm proud of you kid, I'm proud of ya.

[giggling]

- Wait, wait, check it out.

- [Martin] Feels good out, doesn't it?

There you go.

- And there was light.

- Merry Christmas.

- Merry Christmas.

Alright guys, get your coats on, let's go get those dogs.

- Great and get our phones.

- Not so fast.

Better?

- Much better.

- Hmm down boy, we have an audience.

- [Martin] Hey Jessie, I got a great idea.

- It's alright dude.

I got it, reality show, this is the one.

Every week we take a family, stick 'em in a house,

like this, come here, stick 'em in a house for three days

and we see what happens.

[baby doll laugh]

[dramatic music]