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1
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""
2
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Hey Pete, whatcha doing?
3
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Reading
4
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You want to do something?
5
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Berg, I have to study
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I'm bored
7
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Well, tough
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Hey, I bet you can't lift that garbage can over your head
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What are you talking about? Of course I can. It's empty
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Oh there was a time when you could
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When you were, you know, in shape
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- Berg, I'm in great shape
- Okay, Pete. No big deal
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HEY LOOK HOW STRONG I AM!
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I hate you so much
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""
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Berg, say hello to the Alpha-Stat 100
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H-e-l-l-o
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We can now watch what we want, when we want,
from any corner of the earth
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- All crammed into our 12-inch screen
- Yeah
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I personally reconstructed it from the original schematics
I added a signal booster, use gold-plated coaxial and
replaced the original aluminum alloy with a titanium steel coating
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One thing... shouldn't it be facing away from the building?
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Okay Klaus, buddy. All you have to do is get the ball
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I know you're a fish but don't let that hold you back
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No pressure!
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Just have fun
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Fetch, Klaus!
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That's okay, buddy! Swim it up !
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We'll get 'em next time
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Berg, you've been working with Klaus for nine weeks. All you are to him is a big, big face
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Did I mention that this could swing me
a thousand-dollar grant from the Society of Animal Research?
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Don't just swim there, you lazy sack of scales! FETCH!
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Alpha-Stat 100
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firmly fastened to the roof, Pete Dunville
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firmly fastened to the couch
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Just turn me over every two days
36
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Pete, you can't run the cable through the hall
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I have no choice. The windows are painted shut and the new landlord
won't return my phone calls. I left him like, 5 messages
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Yeah well, he doesn't take calls. I hear you've got to submit everything to him in writing
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Is he looking for a penpal? He can pick up a phone
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LIFE! GIVE MY TV LIFE!
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Keep it down, will ya?
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I'd like to see you tell him that to the side of his face
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Yes, yes, the Bruins game!
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I'd like to see you tell him that to the side of his face
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Yes, yes, the Bruins game!
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- Why is the Bruins game in Russian?
-Cause it's blacked out in Boston so I must be getting feed from Moscow
47
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So, you're pretty much done with the outside world
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You betcha!
49
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Score ? Berg, how do you say "score" in Russian?
50
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- Blasto
- BLASTO!
51
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Err, Pete. The TV seems to be leaving
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See, Klaus. That's how you fetch
53
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I-I-it took me seven hours to haul and install that thing and now,
it's gone without a trace
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I mean, who would do this?
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Our new landlord. You violated the building uniformity code
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What?
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"The building should be uniform in every way.
All common areas, hallways, stoops, rooftops shall remain free of clutter.
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He stole my satellite dish!
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-including plants, wreaths and welcome mats.
Have a nice day. Edgar J. Hagerty".
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What kinda guy doesn't like Welcome mats?
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I'm guessing the same guy who could rip out a
200-pound satellite dish and scale down the side of the building
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- Maybe all the stories I heard about Hagerty are true
- What are you talking about?
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00:05:06,473 --> 00:05:13,146
Remember Marco, the stuttering mime in 3B?
Re-tiled his bathroom without permission, hasn't been heard from since
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He's a mime
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I'm not kidding! This Hagerty guy has never shown his face around
here and yet he knows everything that's going on
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All right! So, we're back down to 80 channels? just like the Amish
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That's not the point
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- What are you going to do, Pete? What's done is done
- What do you mean "what's done is done"?
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You know, Que sera sera, no use crying over spilt milk, Hakuna matata
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Pick your favorite
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Wait, wait, Berg. You can't just 'Hakuna matata' your way through life.
I mean, sometimes you have to stand up for what's right!
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He's the landlord, Pete. It's his place, he makes the rules
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His rules are wrong! This is our home, we live here.
Hagerty can't just steal our satellite dishes and our Welcome mats!
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- I have an idea. Let's talk about this inside
- No!
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The building was fine before that guy came around. Right?
Now, he's going to walk around and dictate a bunch of new rules?
76
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The next thing you know, we won't be allowed to pee in the shower!
77
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Okay look, I'm going to show this Hagerty who he's messing with, all right?
You don't just push Pete Dunville around
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Now are you guys in?
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- I'm out.
- I'll see you inside
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Bill, you had to see it! As God is my witness, three times in a row,
little Klaus swam over and finally fetched the ball back
81
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Fascinating. Now shovel the damn sidewalk!
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It's still snowing
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Last time I saw a snowstorm this bad,
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I was travelling in South America.
We just finished a soccer match in Bolivia and headed home to Chile-
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Bauer!
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-The plane crashed in the Andes, we were stranded for weeks without food-
- Bauer!
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We were forced to eat the goaltender
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He was a rugged net-minder but a delicate meal
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Please come again. And be careful on the sidewalk. It's slippery
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What was I supposed to do?
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It was Jose, or starve!
92
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It's not a moment
I'm particularly proud of and of course, nutritionally, there's not much to be said...
93
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Well, look who decided to show up for work
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Oh, I'm sorry Bill but I'm in the midst of a revolution
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- Really?
- Yeah!
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Shovel the damn sidewalk!
97
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Hey, I just left Hagerty a little message to show him what I feel about his uniformity code
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What does this say to you?
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- 'Welcome'?
- No, it says 'Freedom'
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I hope you kept your receipt because I'm pretty sure it says 'Welcome'
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I left a Welcome mat in front of every door in our building
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Ha, he wants uniformity, he's got it.
And to show him I really mean business, haha, a wreath!
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Yeah, you don't want to mess with a man who carries a wreath
104
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Now we'll see how fast Hagerty gets back to me
105
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Okay, it has stopped snowing.
Who's going to shovel the sidewalk?
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- Me! Me! I get to!
- No, I get to do it!
107
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- You did the last time!
- No, you did!
108
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There's only one way to settle this thing fairly.
Neither of us gets to shovel the walk
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- Oh, fair enough
- You can either shovel the walk or you can dig your own graves
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I'll just leave this here
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Sharon, I see you have a Freedom mat
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- Aww!
- You and your stupid Welcome mats!
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This note was taped to the wall by the mailboxes
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"Attention. Until the tenant in 1A personally corrects his violation of the uniformity code,
the heat shall remain off in the entire building.
Have a nice day. Edgar J. Hagerty."
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Freedom!
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Man, when the people in our building come home, if I were you,
I'd pick up those mats right now and get rid of those butt-ugly wreaths!
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Couldn't you just pick them up?
118
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What? And get on Hagerty's bad side?
Forget it. He knows all!
119
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He knows all, huh?
Ask him why I'm slicing my three-iron.
120
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Fine, fine, I'll do it after work but Hagerty has not heard the last of me
121
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- Bill. Bill, what? I was just out there, it's not icy at all
- Oh yeah?
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I can't wait! Klaus is going to light up when he sees his new mermaid
123
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Okay. This is the last one
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Is that the heat?
125
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Maybe he does know all
126
00:09:54,761 --> 00:10:01,059
Looks like Hagerty finally got our windows unstuck.
We should get him a little something.
128
00:10:12,112 --> 00:10:19,620
"Happy to service your needs. Have a nice day. Edgar J. Hagerty."
129
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It's two degrees and he took our windows!
130
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-You mentioned that
- I suppose you're going to let this just roll off your back
131
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- Oh my God
- What?
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What is it?
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Klaus?
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KLAUS!!!...
135
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Pete, one more time
136
00:11:09,419 --> 00:11:11,296
Bill, it's really not that funny
137
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Oh, come on. You walk into the apartment, snow's covering the whole place...
138
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Berg wiped off the glass and Klaus was, like
139
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That cracks me up
140
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Do it again
141
00:11:31,108 --> 00:11:32,276
Bill, I'm not doing it again!
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Then shovel the sidewalk!
143
00:11:35,654 --> 00:11:41,076
Berg took this really hard. I mean, he looked at me and he stormed out and
I haven't heard from him since and it's all my fault
144
00:11:44,079 --> 00:11:47,791
- Anything?
- Nothing. Bernie, Fitzie, University, nobody's seen him
145
00:11:48,792 --> 00:11:50,919
Did you try Topless, Topless, Topless?
146
00:11:51,128 --> 00:11:52,880
Amber said he wasn't there
147
00:11:54,798 --> 00:11:57,050
- Did you get it?
- What do you think? Does he look like Klaus?
148
00:11:57,509 --> 00:11:59,219
Aw, I think. Where did you get him?
149
00:11:59,553 --> 00:12:04,141
Don't you recognize him? It's Harold.
From my kindergarten class
150
00:12:04,474 --> 00:12:08,729
- Ohh, Harold!
- I told my kids he was visiting family at Sea World
151
00:12:09,730 --> 00:12:11,648
I don't think any fish is going to replace Klaus
152
00:12:11,982 --> 00:12:15,485
- Oh, honey, it's not your fault
- Actually, it's all his fault
153
00:12:15,861 --> 00:12:19,072
I know! I was just trying to make him feel better
154
00:12:19,489 --> 00:12:20,782
Oh look, Sharon's right
155
00:12:21,200 --> 00:12:28,040
I mean, Berg's out there, somewhere, lost, all by himself.
Wandering around in the freezing cold
156
00:12:28,248 --> 00:12:30,459
Did you try Topless, Topless, Topless?
157
00:12:31,502 --> 00:12:35,464
- I'm sure he's fine
- I wouldn't be so sure
158
00:12:37,007 --> 00:12:43,347
I once took a job as a winter caretaker, in an old hotel
in the mountains of Colorado
159
00:12:44,723 --> 00:12:48,810
I thought I could work on my novel,
spend some quality time with my family
160
00:12:49,645 --> 00:12:52,648
All work and no play made Jack a dull boy!
161
00:12:53,774 --> 00:12:57,152
Yes, the cold can do strange things to a man's mind
162
00:12:58,278 --> 00:13:00,656
- Berg, thank God you're here
- Are you all right?
163
00:13:01,073 --> 00:13:03,951
Pete, show him the face
164
00:13:05,911 --> 00:13:08,288
Berg, I'm really sorry about Klaus
165
00:13:09,748 --> 00:13:13,877
Look, look look, I know it's not Klaus but I see potential
166
00:13:17,798 --> 00:13:21,051
I'm sorry, Berg. Look,
I asked for our windows back in writing.
167
00:13:27,599 --> 00:13:29,393
Hakuna Matata?
168
00:13:29,726 --> 00:13:36,316
- No, Pete. You were right all along
- Berg, come on, honey. Let's get you over by the oven and thaw out your brain
169
00:13:37,317 --> 00:13:40,612
No! Pete didn't kill Klaus. Hagerty did!
170
00:13:41,405 --> 00:13:45,117
He stole our windows! That is an act of aggression.
171
00:13:45,701 --> 00:13:50,622
That is an act of war. Well, if he wants a war, he's got one! Who's with me?
172
00:13:51,081 --> 00:13:53,834
- I'm with you!
- I'm still out.
173
00:13:57,004 --> 00:13:59,840
All right, almost done
174
00:14:03,177 --> 00:14:04,845
Hey Sharon, did you get our message?
175
00:14:07,514 --> 00:14:09,933
Oh my good! Hagerty gave you your dish back
176
00:14:11,476 --> 00:14:13,061
Let's just say we found it
177
00:14:13,520 --> 00:14:15,189
Locked in his storage room
178
00:14:16,273 --> 00:14:20,819
You guys! 3B, remember? Re-tiled his bathroom then bye, bye!
179
00:14:21,278 --> 00:14:24,031
This guy's all smoke and mirrors. Like the Wizard of Oz
180
00:14:24,406 --> 00:14:26,325
And we are just the guys to pull back the curtain
181
00:14:26,950 --> 00:14:28,452
Hey, what's all this stuff?
182
00:14:28,869 --> 00:14:30,662
Prisoners. Of the Uniformity Code
183
00:14:30,871 --> 00:14:34,082
- Ah, my ficus!
- See
184
00:14:34,458 --> 00:14:35,417
Done
185
00:14:37,044 --> 00:14:39,129
Now let's go glue down some Welcome mats
186
00:14:40,380 --> 00:14:42,257
Klaus would have wanted it that way
187
00:14:47,387 --> 00:14:50,849
Oh no! Need a new bulb
188
00:14:51,725 --> 00:14:56,647
Better put that in writing. "Have a nice day. Edgar J. Hagerty".
189
00:14:57,022 --> 00:15:00,234
Hey guys, I think you'd better take a look at what's in this file
190
00:15:01,235 --> 00:15:07,950
Third generation West Point, top of his class,
fought in three wars, green beret, CIA!
191
00:15:09,326 --> 00:15:13,664
Oh man, you guys are so 3B!
192
00:15:18,168 --> 00:15:19,795
They're up here!
193
00:15:22,297 --> 00:15:24,174
What seems to be the problem, Mrs. Hemmelfarb?
194
00:15:24,591 --> 00:15:31,640
You! Hagerty left this note.
He says we don't get our electricity back until you go meet with him
195
00:15:32,850 --> 00:15:34,393
Don't you see? He's crazy
196
00:15:35,519 --> 00:15:39,648
- Today can be our Independence Day!
- If we all band together, we can beat him
197
00:15:39,857 --> 00:15:43,610
Well, we're going to band together and we're going to beat you!
198
00:15:46,029 --> 00:15:48,198
Is there an address in that file?
199
00:15:52,202 --> 00:15:54,872
I can't believe I'm taking you guys to see Hagerty
200
00:15:55,247 --> 00:15:58,000
Just drive
201
00:15:59,877 --> 00:16:04,882
Hagerty was close. Real close.
Couldn't see him yet but I could feel him
202
00:16:05,424 --> 00:16:09,761
It's as if the car was being sucked up by the highway
The pavement was falling back into the woods
203
00:16:10,345 --> 00:16:13,015
Part of me was afraid of what I would find when I got there
204
00:16:14,766 --> 00:16:19,563
The thing I felt most, stronger than fear was the desire to confront him
206
00:16:32,993 --> 00:16:34,578
Just remember we're in the right
207
00:16:34,953 --> 00:16:36,497
Death to the Uniformity Code!
208
00:16:36,997 --> 00:16:40,292
- And we stand together!
- And I'll just be in the car
209
00:16:45,839 --> 00:16:47,799
Come in
210
00:16:48,717 --> 00:16:50,177
Gentlemen. Miss
211
00:16:50,761 --> 00:16:52,679
Ya, enough with the small talk, Hagerty
212
00:16:53,055 --> 00:16:55,516
What is the deal with dragging us out here in the middle of the night?
213
00:16:55,974 --> 00:16:59,770
- May I offer you some cider and homemade cookies?
- We didn't come here to eat cookies
214
00:17:00,062 --> 00:17:01,772
Oh, I'll have one
215
00:17:02,898 --> 00:17:05,275
- So you got my note
- I got all your notes
216
00:17:05,317 --> 00:17:06,443
Very well written
217
00:17:06,777 --> 00:17:07,611
Thank you for coming
218
00:17:08,195 --> 00:17:13,617
And thank you for shutting off our light, heat and hot water!
219
00:17:15,369 --> 00:17:20,833
You know, this is the best cookie I've ever tasted!
You used walnuts and apple corns!
220
00:17:21,166 --> 00:17:23,836
I find it helps the texture of the cookie
221
00:17:24,962 --> 00:17:29,591
Wait a minute. Two different kinds of nuts,
doesn't that violate your stupid Uniformity Code?
222
00:17:29,800 --> 00:17:30,509
Stupid?
223
00:17:30,801 --> 00:17:32,719
Hey you know, I just gave them a ride
224
00:17:33,053 --> 00:17:38,433
- The Uniformity Code is for the benefit of the tenants
- What possible benefit could there be from a ban on Welcome mats?
225
00:17:38,725 --> 00:17:44,982
I once owned a building filled with Welcome mats - astro-turf, rubber, coconut weave
- I enjoyed them all.
226
00:17:45,649 --> 00:17:54,533
Then one day a sweet old lady tripped on one and broke her ankle.
I felt morally inclined to pay the hospital bill but I had to raise the rent for everyone
227
00:17:56,243 --> 00:17:59,288
- Okay, no Welcome mats. That makes sense
- Wait
228
00:17:59,705 --> 00:18:03,000
What about a satellite dish? Who's going to trip over that?
229
00:18:03,375 --> 00:18:10,465
Roof obstructions violate zoning laws.
I could have filed the paperwork and gotten you a waiver but you clowns busted ranks!
230
00:18:11,633 --> 00:18:14,386
All said and done, I saved you a 300-dollar fine
231
00:18:14,636 --> 00:18:16,930
- 300 bucks?
- Ahem
232
00:18:17,347 --> 00:18:21,727
Ww-wait a minute,
you still can't just turn off somebody's heat in the middle of winter
233
00:18:22,269 --> 00:18:22,978
Yeah, what code is that?
234
00:18:23,520 --> 00:18:27,858
Sometimes gentlemen,
the way to discipline the platoon is to have the platoon discipline itself!
236
00:18:33,614 --> 00:18:35,532
I thought that was funny
237
00:18:35,782 --> 00:18:37,493
You killed my fish!
238
00:18:38,035 --> 00:18:40,829
Ah yes, Klaus, the fish that fetched
239
00:18:41,371 --> 00:18:44,041
It is often the innocent that get caught in the crossfire
240
00:18:45,375 --> 00:18:51,089
The truth is you are slackers who need to take stock
of who you are and what type of people you want to be.
241
00:18:51,340 --> 00:18:53,217
With all due respect, sir-
242
00:18:53,258 --> 00:18:55,636
You Bergen are a rudderless ship!
243
00:18:56,053 --> 00:19:01,558
Ever since March of 1980, when you abandoned the Cub Scouts,
your life has been a course-less journey
244
00:19:01,892 --> 00:19:07,731
Business school, law school and now medical school.
10 girlfriends in six months. Son, your life lacks structure!
245
00:19:07,981 --> 00:19:10,734
- You know he's not wrong
- You just abandoned the Cub Scouts?
246
00:19:11,235 --> 00:19:13,779
You, Private, when are you going to learn that you're not always right?
247
00:19:14,321 --> 00:19:23,580
Who were you in 7th grade at the age of twelve to shake off Coach Marino's butt
sign and cost the National Bank Taggers the 1985 Little League Championship!
250
00:19:33,465 --> 00:19:35,467
I totally agree!
251
00:19:35,968 --> 00:19:44,601
You are a kiss-ass little sellout who did the dirty with the editor of your high school yearbook
so that your picture would be the only one in color!
253
00:19:49,731 --> 00:19:51,400
- Yeah!
- That is not the point
254
00:19:51,984 --> 00:19:56,738
Point is if you're going to get through this life and have windows, you will learn to live by the rules
255
00:19:57,114 --> 00:20:04,830
You will remove the satellite dish. You will put it in the storage room.
You will repair the lock on the door and you will stop peeing in the shower!
256
00:20:05,581 --> 00:20:06,874
All right, I'll stop
257
00:20:07,332 --> 00:20:08,834
Sounds fair
258
00:20:10,419 --> 00:20:12,796
And there's one more thing you will do
259
00:20:13,589 --> 00:20:16,592
Come on you slackers! You heard Hagerty, two inches from the curb
260
00:20:17,426 --> 00:20:19,636
What's he going to do, come out here and measure it?
261
00:20:27,311 --> 00:20:29,021
Wonder what's gotten into them?
262
00:20:33,358 --> 00:20:38,572
Once you've gone up river, nothing's ever the same
263
00:20:40,991 --> 00:20:43,327
The h-horror
264
00:20:47,706 --> 00:20:54,588
Look at all these cars, all with different people in them, each leading their own lives.
Each thinking separate thoughts. Man!
265
00:20:55,547 --> 00:21:02,554
Can one find love in a loveless world?
Is there any such thing as true love or do you just find somebody and find truth in that love?
266
00:21:03,305 --> 00:21:07,601
T-h-e-r-e was a farmer who had a dog and BINGO was his name - oh!
24175
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