Original subtitles

Comm's....... this is DS Haynes from Bristol and Avon, I'm looking for information on an alias known as "The Dean".

I'll call you back

- What's you thinkin'? - She was thinking how she can save our lives by promising we'll pay every penny back in eight weeks with interest

washed and folded....that can't be done

- but you, you're a drug dealer you, your rich aren't you? - Shut up

You don't know me look around

my crib is a garage at the end of my mom's garden

You have things..... your TV

those trainers, you could sell your car

Hello Mr Dean, here's a second than Range and a flat screen TV

we good?

and I got family to provide for

what I earn it goes to my Fam

six is a lot of mouths to feed and are you forgettin'

...feds nailed me for making you do my community service

if they send me to pen and we aint paid

The Dean will have his people inside do me a thing

straight. you didn't save our necks

You put 'em in a noose!

- maybe I can ask my parent's help - they work in that kind of money?

No.....but

- I dunno maybe they can raise it - If we get them involved we make them complicit

do you have a better idea then?

yeah

we go to the feds

- man I aint making no deal with the feds... - what choice do we have?

we lay it out there

- We tell the Feds and let them protect us - Man I aint snitchin'

It's better than digging your own shallow grave

He's right, I have the number of a policewoman...

we could call and then we can just finish this

Hank

HI this is Rani Rekowski

Rani, how are you?

well...uh...that's why I'm calling

okay

I just had something

important I needed to tell you

but I'm not sure I should be telling you

on the phone

What's this about?

- Rani you still there? - Can you give me a second please?

hello

Rani what do you want to tell me?

I wanted to tell you that I'm completing my payback hours

and I'm staying out of trouble

keeping me head down

glad to hear it

okay thanks

Bye

- Rani? - Comm's, you're enquiring about "The Dean"?

- yes, yes I was - that information's classified

- you don't have clearance - clearance?

Thankyou for your enquiry

Say something

I say

we don't pay call his bluff...boom!

he knows where we live

and my family and Ben's Sister....Boom! - He's already threatened to hurt them

- same if we go to the police - look we have

eight weeks, you three have to get the money back

- I told you we've spent it - On what? - The Bristol justice collective

still don't understand what it is revolutionaries actually need

by the way, apart from berets and some twat on a guitar

- New website, new minibus, new staff, new offices! - fifteen types of milk propably

- Oh right and what did you spend yours on? - I put mine into my business as you well know

the one that you just got fired from?

- great save! - What did you spend your cut on Frank?

My Daughter's mortgage, it's killing her

- I had to help! - So you haven't helped in forty years

but you couldn't wait eight more weeks to grow a conscience?

you guys are just gonna save yourselves

and let our loved ones die?

Christian Taylor

- What about him? - If he has to do jail time

for making Ben do his CS, he won't be around to run his drug operation

- we are not becoming drug dealers - absolutely not - I've done some grifts in my time, but not that

- tell me it isn't a good way to make big money fast - Rani!

It's eight weeks and then it's over

why not

- cause drugs have ruined the lives of everyone I've loved - no one is dealing

drugs

okay

Geez I'll get another loan

some how!

alright then, just have to ask RG for the money back...somehow

I'll see, I'll see what I can do

Sir you wanted see us?

How many times have you call comm's today?

I haven't

- You? - about five or six times - but which is it five or six?

- six... - twelve times, you've been red flagged

- red flagged? - for pestering them about someone called "The Dean"

even though you've been repeatedly told to stand down

now stand down

with respect Sir

why am I'm being stonewalled

now treading on Scotland yard's size tens

"The Dean" is London big time, tied to international syndicates

- for two years the Met have been tracking him, building a case - so why haven't they arrested him then

he's got good trade craft never handles

product or money directly impossible to pin him

- with anything - we can help, he's running county lines into Bristol

if that were the case the met would know about it

would they? if The Dean's so careful

and it's not like they show and tell with us so we wouldn't know

- what have you got? - The Dean has a local foot soldier called Christian Taylor

Taylor's about to do time for violating probation my hunch is

if we can flip him, he could give us The Dean

- but my hunch is that you're ambitious and you think if you can nail someone the met can't that's your ticket out of bristol - I won't apologize for being ambitious, Sir

but if we do land The Dean that's national news

- we all take a bow - Now if you're snooping blows London's case

we'll spend the rest of our days shooing seagulls of Bristol Docks

- Is that how you see your future? - I stand by my partner Sir!

just to confirm are you telling us to stand down Sir

I'm telling you

tread carefully

I hope you know what you're doing? I hate seagulls

they're like rats with wings

are you going to talk about it?

- Mmm? - last night you walked out on our dinner party

yeah sorry I had to Uh....

- pop but back to the office - at ten o'clock?

we've uh....stop doing that....look at me

what is going on with you?

I um....

I realized

you know I've been working this job nineteen years

nineteen years because when I when I first started

personal assistants we're still good secretaries

you know you could still ask 'em to make you a cup of tea and not wind up in a tribunal

nineteen years I mean that is that is a lot of dress down Fridays and and and signing birthday cards

and that's why

yesterday we decided that uh....

- I need a change - We? - Dan and I...yeah

we..Uh....

we talked it through and Um..

I'm getting a new job

I'm going to get a different job, a job that's

- For me - What job? - I don't know yet I've got feelers out and I'm excited for this new chapter

- buzzing! - you didn't think you ought to discuss this with me? - I am discussing it with you, I'm discussing it with you right now

- this is going to impact us financially - No

School fees - No - the ski trip - No...listen

because I'm gonna take my nineteen years of management experience

and I will breeze into another job

John

- did your father fire you? - What? no that's....

- ludicrous - you can tell me if he did

I would, he didn't, it was mutual

listen listen I'm doing this

I'm doing something for me..um for us..okay?

I mean I thought you'd be happy for me

- you know I'm happy if you are - well I'm happy

so

we're both happy

- what are you doin'? - I've decided to give up booze

- but that's my booze and I haven't - Greg while I'm living here I can't have any temptation around me which is why

- I need you to hide this for me - What is it? flour?

you're going gluten free as well

- That's cocaine - Cocaine? what'd you buy the family size?

look just hide it OK, whatever I say to you do not give it to me no matter how much I beg you

don't give in, okay

- Okay - did you speak to my agent - Yes

and does she have a job for me

No

what nothing? no, no adverts, no sponsorship

Greg I need some money you told me that I was going bankrupt

I know but you're seen is unreliable since you called that soda machine the "C" word - It was a Cunt

- other products don't want to be associated with you - I'm etchy - No you're toxic - toxic's cool - It used to be but now no celebrities need to see nice you've got show

empathy and

cellulite and also some people are saying

what

- that you've got anger issues - Who's saying that? I'll kill the fuckers

there's also the substance abuse

at which I am working on...look just gimme my Coke

- You told me not to - that was before now I need a bump..give it to me

- you said whatever you say to me don't let you have it - give me the bag

you spekky twat, give it to me

this is not where I used to be

- Yes it is you rake with a face! - Aaahh not the tickling

Give it to me

don't, and I'll get you a job

you said no-one would emply me

give me twenty four hours and I'll find you something

yeah come on please stay strong

sorry for calling you a bug eyed bean pole!

well, it was spekky twat and rake with a face

either way, sorry

I need a drink

sorry

Can I have a word?

remember when you asked me

where the cash for all of this came from

I thought it was our mystery donor

Yeah well if I tell you who it is, then..uh..you can't tell anyone

It's Lady Gabriella Penrose-Howe

that posh woman who's always falling out of nightclubs

- all right keep your voice down - why is she interested in the BJC

I thought her kind where only interested in

bottle service and lip filler

well she deeply respects me and my organization and she wanted to make a sizable donation to support it

- I misjudged her - Yes you did

- but now she needs all the money back - What?

you know that anti gentry are like...

fickle

- we've spent the money - well we'll have to

- Unspend it - we've got a year's lease on this place

- We have staff on payroll already - you saying it like it's my fault we all voted for those things - because you promised you could keep us financially independent

- that's why we turned down a council grant - yeah and you're going to need to go to the council and say

- that we want the council grant after all - that ship's sailed Myrna

well, we can still get the money back can't we?

we can er, sell the minibus

and er...those ergonomic chairs

and I always said we don't need the rakey guy full time

Myrna those are just the things you can see

We would have to liquidate the organization to get the money back

the BJC will cease to exist

Dad we're in here

Margie, we need to discuss something

- you paid off the mortgage - Ta Dah

as of this morning and there was money left

- there was? - so I set up a college fund for the kids

- Do the kids even want to go to college? - I do

it's Johnnie Walker Red that's your tipple isn't it?

Mom's made your favourite too

- meat loaf - well it's sort of shepherd's pie that i

squeezed into a loaf

it's the thought that counts

well it's the deed that counts too, thank you so much Dad

It's the least I can do

what was it that you wanted to discuss?

nothing urgent

- My Halloran...hello - Hello yes I'm here hello

can I confirm, you said you're not currently employed

- is that right? - I....

..Um...I...I'm currently

in between jobs yeah but as I said

I I have

nineteen years of of management experience and I'm confident that I will find fresh employment very soon

Yes

I..I've checked with my supervisor

but we can't grant you a loan, I'm sorry

why not?

You have no employment

you're heavily mortgaged on your assets

so, we just can't proceed

I'm sorry

Do you remember when banks like yours went tits up in ah

2008 and it was taxpayers like me

- that bailed you out? - No Sir, I was only six years old

well it's absurd you know it's it's

it's absurd that I'm standing here today

and a businessman like me can't get a loan from your bank

but if this was 2007

and I and I was a, a unemployed single mother

with three kids and a crack addiction I'd have walked out of your place with a mortgage

and up fucking balloon

is there anything else I can help you with today sir?

like she said, we're only in it for eight weeks

and then we're done

Men like this guy from London exploit local kids I know that

er..I'll get to know those kids and when this is over

I can help them

If I don't do this, people will get hurt

If dissolve the BJC, the community will get hurt

forty years work wiped out, like that

and I would have killed and man

for

your whole life

my life

for nothing

If....we did do what you suggested

how would it work

- What? - the plan you suggested - I don't know

we'd

meet with Taylor find out how he operates

eight weeks, right, we'd just do what is necessary and then we're out

- and absolutely no violance - of course

thankyou

We're not doing it

Do you all know what drugs have done to my Mum?

- I understand how you feel - no you don't

you don't or you wouldn't have suggested it in the first place

I wish I didn't have to

You have no idea, my whole life, you have no idea what I've had to do to stop from going down that path

What option do we have?

we make as much money as we can in 8 weeks and we walk away

a brief terrible episode in all our lives

I'd never do anything to hurt you, but The Dean will

I'm scared I'm really scared

and I don't want to die

Alright

so we raise the funds

how do we launder it?

Guess who's back?

Oh it's not fucking Beryl is it?

I hate that old bitch!

Greg, listen mate we need you

I'm not doing any more money laundering

I got really stressed last time of my eczema broke out

I was scratching my groin so much I got thrown out of Nandos

High pockets, we're all friends here that's why

nobody wants to remind you about a certain cupboard of chaos

which if exposed would leave you up shit

creek with your dick in your hand

ah...well actually my dick's already up shit creek in someone else's hand

- What's that mean? - It means, a bloke who I work with called Spencer Fitzwilliam

already found my cupboard of chaos

and has been blackmailing me with it

and making my life hell, so join the queue

West Side

West Side?

leave it to me, I can change his mind

You take over?

- She serious? - We need to make money fast

- you have a way of doing that but who's going to run things for you when you're in prison? - Not you - Oh, then who?

because Soul just betrayed you, Spider's out of action

now your whole crew's just some little boys on BMX's

whoa whoa wait, we don't even know I'm set for a stretch

- you said this Laurie of yours is good right - I didn't say was good I said

- he was free - Nah I aint handing you my line

why not

- because I don't trust you - We're the only one's you can trust, have you ever heard the phrase

- the enemy of my enemy is my friend? - was it the same guy who said how much wood would a wood chuck chuck?

I spent my whole life trying to stay out of the game

you think I want to be a part of anything you do?

- look we're all in this together whether we like.... - Naaaah G

You do you and I take care of myself

Oh..ha ha really because last night you about this close to being dead before I stepped up and if you don't start trusting me

none of us are getting out of the shit alive

What do you even know about running a line?

Nothing but I'm a quick learner

Square down you fuck me on this

and I will Shawshank my way out of

Pen so fast

Aight?

What you wanna know?

Everything

Aight listen cos I don't like repeating myself

- you know what this? - is it, is it a mobile phone?

wrong, it's THE phone, the line

contains numbers for all my customers

so every day I ping out a message

open for business

all the time

for what you need

call

the line

- Now what? - we wait

- you making notes? - Yeah it's just a lot...

- You keep everything up here - Sorry

Bill what you need?

where you at?

what you wearing

Aight soon come

So you take the order and then what?

Then, important

use a different phone to call

whatever runner you think is closest

Yo Bigs, one bag of beans Elswick Road

the guys wearing a navy blue tracksuit

you got that?

Aight!

and bingo was his name Yo?

Could we meet some of the runners?

What's he doing here?

This is our business adviser

There's some of my runners

Jesus they look barely out of nappies

I recognize that blonde girl, she goes to school with my sister

- Aaah this is so wrong man - Don't judge, they're only doing it to feed their family same as me

What are you doing?

- Never exit the vehicle, basics - Mmm basics

okay so Um, how much does a runner get paid

About 80 quid

Standard?

- For everybody? - Depends how much they sell

or if they owe money that's set against that

Yo man pulled up, send them away and come here innit

- What are we doing? - We're doing what we have to do

what what what is happening?

Hey you lot, piss off

The boy who just left took the food

So if there's Feds watching they can't link shit directly to me

What you saying big man, alright Yo

Comes too (?)

- Anyone complainin' about the quality of the food? - No Cuz

OK.. I think I can get the, the business side of things down but that dialect?

- It's going to take a bit of work - Anyone watching you? - Nah Man

- Anyone on selling? - Nah - No trouble?

- MMMmmmm mmm - Nah? - Nah man

- Four? There should be five? - Bro we sold four hundred

Yo big man

You know what happens if you start lyin' to me right?

- Yeah I do Bro and I aint lyin' - Yeah?

In a bit

What was that about?

Nothing.

You got to make 'em sweat every now and then innit

Uumm what if he had been lying?

Trust me

He knows better than that

- You've never seen jaws? - No, I've never seen Jaws

- I've have seen Jaws 2, 3 and 4 though - Oh

Chuck Tide's out

We take it turns

So how do you manage, ah staffing levels?

I only take on people when demand is

steady otherwise you're just paying for employees when you don't need them

yeah, good

Yeah I wish I'd done that

You've quite the business brain

You pick it all up on the street?

yeah

Oxford was full innit!

So what have your net profits been over the last Um..

- three years? - I've been even at two hundred K

OK...the business isn't growing though is it?

you know they say that a business that isn't

progressing is regressing

that's the big mistake I made

Yeah I know dat!

- I need to mix it up man - Can't you move into other markets

I can't just pick and drop my runners off in another part of Bristol

that's where the problems start

Well you're definitely a natural

You ever think about legitimate work? I think you'd ah, go places

Is it safe?

What?

Is it safe?

- Is what safe? - Special agent Robert Stack

Federal Bureau

of Investigation

Oh. V-funny chap but you're a bit old to be a stripogram

how much are the Lads paying you?

Your name is Spencer FitzWilliam

You're a lawyer Northcott Mauling correct?

- What's this about? - On three, leave your wrap

on the bench, stand

and follow me

One

2 Two

- Three - Can I see your badge again?

We need to talk about THE biggest coordinated response

to international money laundering in

- the FBI history - money laundering? - Keep your goddam voice down - come on

- chuck is this a joke? - Joke? See that guy?

that's my colleague Agent Jack Webb

he spent two years traveling

across four continents tracing corrupt bankers a bogus cunts

with ties to organized crime, Agent Webb

missed his own mother's funeral

ask Agent Webb if this is a joke

- What's this got to do with me? - Your firm has been compromised

are you clean?

- Am I what? - Are you clean? - Yeah yeah, I'm clean

You're impeding an investigation

I...I'm not

We have the cooperation of an informant in your office, he's been collating paperwork as part of our

evidence. I believe that paperwork is now in your possession

Greg Greg Greg's a mole for the FBI?

Keep your goddam voice down never say that out loud again

Who put you up to this was it Grunter, or Nadger?

I bet it was Nadger wasn't it?

Sometime soon law enforcement will be walking into your place of work

and marching your people out in handcuffs

ask me again if I'm joking

- Where's the paperwork? - yeah, yes - Do you speak english?

- yes yes - where's the paperwork? - It's in my car

- Easy, let's go - OK

- Rita, knock knock - Greg! - I wonder if I can have a quick

chat with you about a hypothetical HR scenario

Uumm, I'm actually on my lunch hour at the moment, Greg

- Um - I can come back

- No it's fine, HR is always open! - Oh thank you, thank you!

come on in - Um - would you mind just sitting down there please Greg because it's a bit....

- looming over me like a ghost - Yeah sorry

Yeah I'm just wondering if,

hypothetically a gentleman, you know,

who who who works in the office has had conversations with

a woman who also works in the office

- OK, work conversations or? - Sometimes work

you know but ah they're just general chit-chat

- About what? - weather

rambling in the peak district

Roger Federer's thighs

Where have these conversations taken place please?

Different places Um, lift, kitchen

- sometimes at the woman's desk - OK

Has the er gentleman in question... perched?

- on the lady's desk at any point? - ah, there might have been a perch - MMmm MMmm

Just hop up there for me a moment would you please

right, so you can see what's, what's happening here?

- What's happening? - what the lady's having to look at when the gentleman sit's like that at her desk

The gentleman's groin is

at the lady's eye level....OK

pop yourself back down please Greg

This is ringing a lot of alarm bells....Um

- is the Gentleman's superior to the Lady? - No he's got very low self esteem

No I mean in job title or or rank

- Oh well he's marginally superior I think - right

Yeah...

That will put him in the red zone

- And what is a red zone? - The red zone is where HR would have to consider the man's position

Oh wow, blimey

- Just to be totally clear, hypothetically the men couldn't make any kind of overture to the woman? - What in the hope of a sexual relationship or?

- Yes please! - No absolutely not, No

So he couldn't say um, ask her out for a drink or anything?

- No no definitely not......if this guy

works here which it sounds like he does, whoever he may be

then he will have read our company policy on sexual

and romantic relationships

What if he started reading that and he found it a bit heavy going so instead he watched some golfing bloopers on YouTube?

Well then he won't know that even

consensual relationships between colleagues can lead to disciplinary reaction or dismissal

Dismissal?

- Hi Greg I'm grabbing a sandwich do you want one? - No

- This is all of it? - Yeah

I assume I don't need to tell you that everything I've said

is confidential, don't even discuss it with Greg the lurch!

Look you've got them now so come on tell me if this

- real or what? - Stay in Greg Dillard's good books though...

cos, if

the shit hits the fan

and he starts pointing fingers

you don't want him pointing at you

Now, you need to call me a cab

Yes, yeah of course

Do you want, Um, an Uber XL or Lux?

that be a Lux yeah

A bit nicer for you

7 minutes

- I aint pleading guilty Bro - Then you'll do twice the prison time

Listen, I got too much stuff going on right now to be sittin' in a prison cell

You violated your probation you're going down there's nothing I can do about that

what I can do is reduce the amount of time you do

Tea?

Can I make you one in a minute? I'm just in the middle of something

Sorry I'm asking would you like a cup of tea?

Yes please

Pleasure chap, would you like one?

Got any Ginseng?

Alright so how long am I looking at if I plead not guilty

- A year maybe two, but plead guilty and I can get that down to a few months - A few months?

What kind of waste man lawyer are you?

Bad news, no Ginseng but do have

Mint, Green, Lapsang Souchong, Oolong

or lemon ginger and Manuka honey

Surprise me

biscuit? biscuit?

I'll have a biscuit

- Nah I'm good Bro - One biscuit for Greg-O-Laughs

My liege

So what you gonna do?

Hi pockets

you're up shit creek but I found your paddle

You put it back!

- Thank you, thank you so much - Comes with a few strings attached

I knew it would I knew it would when you presented it like a quiz show

I'm not doing any more money laundering I told you that already

I can't handle another criminal conviction or another flaky crotch so do your worst

- I'd rather take my chances - Fine

here take it

but

say goodbye Ronnie and Ben

Why you leaving early? half day?

No, they're dead, just killed them

- What are you talking about? - This gangster up in London

we need to repay back all his dough and wash it

or he's gonna clip them

- and everybody they care about - Clip them? Who's this gangster?

- Edward G Robinson? - We're behind the eight-ball here

- We need your help - Is he serious? - Yeah!

- I thought all the money was spent? - We're gonna earn it back

- How? - Running Christian Taylor's operation while he's inside

- Jesus Christ - None of us wanna be doing this - No

- We're in trouble Mate - Big trouble

Good?.....OK

Alright so his customer base is loyal

but it's small, If we're going to make anywhere near the kind of money we need to make in the time we have we need to find new markets,

new customers and we need to do it quick

- How do we do that? - Marketing - Marketing? - Yeah

We have to find people who would buy drugs and we need to let them know that we are here and

we are open for business - Oh what so we just

put an advert in the Yellow Pages yeah?

- Class A drugs available, Oh no I'll tell you what,

let's put class A A A and then we'll go straight to the front!

Obviously we can't run adverts

How do Companies

normally reach customers?

Direct marketing, but that that involves mailing lists

names, numbers, e-mail addresses

- BJC must have a mailing list - No, no way are we targeting my people

well you know you lefty hypocrites you're actually the perfect kind of customer

you won't touch palm oil because of deforestation but

you'll happily snort

cocaine that's been smuggled up some peasants Mimsy

Firstly there is no way I'm exploiting 40 years of trust in the BJC

and secondly

- "Mimsy"? - So what other choice do we have?

No-one wants to be doing this

Well what about Gabby? surely everyone in her phone is a potential customer

What about her music festival, isn't there a mailing list for that?

I'm not bringing Gabby into this

- You don't have to bring her into it, you just have to get the details off her phone - And you live with her so

I'm sure that should be easy enough - What about you? you work in a nightclub

- I bet their mailing list is full of drug heads - No, no my manager is proper paranoid

He keeps

his office door locked, computer password protected

- Nah there's no way I'd get in there - Find a way!

You get Gabby's mailing list, you get the BJC's

- How? It's on Clair's computer - Figure it out

- Who put you in charge? - Yeah what you going to contribute?

Students

Students, they love to party don't they?

We have a major university right here in the city, that is twenty thousand potential buyers right there

- But none of us are students - No but you look like you are

Who do I speak to about volunteering?

if you take every sausage the average person would eat in a lifetime, put it together in will actually reach

to the moon

You need to watch a documentary from Food Inc.

You you will never meat again

I won't go near the stuff, it's the smoking of today

Excuse me

Um, are you organizing the frat party?

That was my idea, Um you missed the early bird wrist bands okay, tickets are now thirty five a pop

You'll get two free Jagers and entry to the wet "T" shirt competition

Where the the contestants

all men

Uh, I was hoping I could volunteer

yeah you can

- man a hose - No, no with the uh organisation

of the party

Most freshers just want to get wasted

Not me

I, I enjoy planning more than, partying

This is Greg

He works for Lady Gabriella Penrose-Howe

- She comes in here...a lot - Oh the Lady's got great taste

Not if she comes in here she hasn't

But she does have a great Arse!

I'll be sure to pass that on

I don't know if you're aware that aside from her arse

she's also got one point two million followers on social media

I don't use the internet much

except for sports results and wankin'

Well it's good to have hobbies

Can I suggest that perhaps you give her Ladyship and quick Google

I think you'd be quite interested in, er

what you find

Is Lady Gabby single? because

my wife's just left me again I'm on the hunt

She is right up my street classic

well Lady Gabby is actually a member of the LGBT community

What she's a Leso?

- What a waste? - yeah or you'd have been in with a shot!

Not very lady-like is she? Her Ladyship

smashing up cars, keying cars, what's she got against cars?

Well, she's what we called "edgy"

Well round here we'd call her a bitch

Well I'll be sure to pass that on

What's your proposition? Well what if Lady Gabby was to tell her one point two million followers that she's going to make a live personal appearance in your

club this evening

To do what?

Wave and stuff?

How much?

Look after my Range like it's your own nut sack

I see so much as of crisp wrapper in the cup holder

speak for you

Guard that line with your life

because it's worth way more

You feel me?

Yeah I feel you

People say she destroyed the welfare state

public spending went up every year under Thatcher

In 82 to 83 the government was spending 48% of the GDP

that's more than in any year under Tony Blair

or Gordon Brown

Thanks Tom

Poor bloke, what's he like 60? If I wind up

doing that when I'm his age, shoot me yeah?

- What's wrong with what he's doing? - No nothing I just think

one can aspire to a little bit more than collecting other people's crap all your life

- Why? - If all you did everyday

is mop latrines, empty bins for minimum wage

why wouldn't you shoot yourself?

- What you studying? - I'm doing a PHD

- in applied Micro Economics - and what you gonna do when you

- finish? - write, teach, like to be an academic

- like father - right so your gonna spend

5 years? studying Micro Economics and write some

obscure academic text book that half a dozen people read

and then spend your life teaching Micro Economics so that other people can do the same thing, is that right?

- ssss..you're saying academia is not as worthy pursuit? - I'm saying academia is

masturbation in a corduroy jacket

What are you going to do with your life then?

I dunno

- It's not an answer - It's honest

I don't know, I just know I wanna live

like.....really live

I get that, I just got back from interrailing..

never felt more alive

Lawrence Chartney by the way, Union President

Rani Rekowski

There anything else I can help? with I'm actually

- really good at computers - oh actually

yes

One two, check one two

Oh, let me take that for you your Ladyship

Feel free to leave anything you like in here, it's very secure

you could even get changed in here

if you like, that camera don't work

when you chatted about us on your twitter and whatnot

we sold over eighty percent of our tickets

in one hour this place will be chock-a-block with over two thousand people

- all here to see you - Two thousand?

Yeah, all getting pissed off hopefully

- What what do I have to do? - Just walk on the stage wave and

giveaway some "T" shirts

- On on that stage? - Yeah

Let's talk financials

You weren't lying, nice work

- Next could you consolidate this into one super column for me? - Ah huh

You know if there's something you need to, you know

- get on with - Hey thanks for really giving it to me

earlier

that holds barred

You know there's a lot of smart people in this place but most them struggle to keep up with me but not you - Mmmm

- Namaste - Namaste

Can I ask you a personal question?

Shut me down immediately if this is out of order

but I would love to converse further

Can I get your "detes"?

- My "detes"? - Short for details

Not by much!

What are you saying?

Yeah, OK, sure

Great!

So what are you studying here by the way?

- Uumm, math...matics and physics - Yeah?

- I do maths as my undergrad - Really, it's

..neat, it's great - How are you finding it so far?

Proffesor Sturridge is a bit of a hard arse right?

Is he? I hadn't noticed, Um

She is

- Oh yeah yeah yeah sorry just seemed to have low-cushed(?)me - ha ha ha

Ah, we're going to head the bar for some drinks and I think you should join

yeah I just really, you know I want to break the

back at this but then I'll be I'll be straight down

That's a great work ethic

Yeah whatever it is you choose to do in life I can tell You're going to crush it!

I'll see you down there [whispers] Mailing list, come on

[girl talks in background]

- What is it? - John I'm at the you know where

- trying to get the you know what off of Gail's computer - Lovely, why are you calling me? - Because I don't use computers

I've just literally spent the last 45 minutes trying to turn the damn thing on!

- Where's the mailing list? - How could I possibly know that?

Well you use computers don't you?

Yeah I have yes not that exact one

- What's on the screen? - A waterfall - Are there folders with with waterfall?

- Folders? - Yeah

- The little icons that look like folders - No there are no folders

- I just told you it's just a waterfall - Then you're looking at a screen saver - A what?

Ladies and Gentlemen Lady Gabriella Penrose-Howe

- She's on, what's she waiting for? - She's just getting in the zone, just give her a second

- Do you know what a mouse is?

Yeah, yes

- I know what a mouse is - Jiggle it

Oooh...right....yes

Now that's done somethin' so now the screen is purple and grey

and there are lots of little folders

Now what?

Look for one that says mailing list

or something like that, my pork chop

is getting cold by the ways

Mail out, right there's one

called mail out, could that be it?

- Could be - Now what?

Now drag and drop it onto your USB

- You ready? - I can't do it

Yeah you can, he's paying you fifteen hundred quid

per club...and he's got 5 clubs

that's seven and a half grand, almost pays off your bar tab!

- what does drag & drop mean? - Christ, my Mother-in-Law can drag and drop and she's 92

and blind just put the arrow over the folder

put the arrow, the arrow

- How do I do that? - with the mouse, put the arrow over the folder with the mouse

Do not fucking shout at me

Hi, Imran Hi, this may be nothing but

this new fresh has just volunteered at the student union

and something smells a bit off

about her, would you mind just searching to see if she's actually a student here?

her name is Rani Rekowski

Oh damn I left my phone and my coat

in your office

Nah it's cool, I'll go

- Oh - Cheers

the arrow is now

over the folder

- Now what? - now press and hold the button on the mouse

Right

B-I-G(?)

Big drugs fly(?)

without releasing the button, drag it

into your USB

- What is a USB? - What's a US........?

There's no trace of her, anywhere?

Will you come with me while I have a little conflab with her?

How many eggs do you have a week? It's frozen...come on..come on

see exactly, this is the problem

with.....

Stay where you are I'm coming over

watch this documentary

you'll never eat meat again

can I get triple vodka with tonic please

- In fact just hold the tonic - Of course, I'll stick it on your tab

Is that wise, no drink or drugs remember

- I need it - No you don't

I can't go out there sober, I dont sing I don't dance I don't act I don't do anything I

- I'm like an appendix - It doesn't matter, they just wanna

stare at you and take pictures

like an accident on the motorway

- Really? - Yeah

just think of yourself as a as a family of four who've had a head on collision with an eighteen wheeler

Yeah, this is, this is

making me feel better keep talking

they've cut Mum and the kids but it doesn't

look like Dad's gonna make it

Thank you

What's up darlings? How are we all tonight? Who wants some free shit? You need to shout it louder, who wants some free shit?

It's gonna take hours to text all numbers we've got

No it won't, we can automate an SMS mail out from this laptop, I did a

quick Google research and found some open source Robo-text software

- Wat did she just say? - So what's our message going to be?

- Oh Hi there we've got some lovely Cocaine for sale - We need code words

- What about Um... "grown up sweeties" - Well that just sounds PW doesn't it!

We need a euphemism that appeals to middle class users

- who...get the cocaine out at dinner parties - Colombian after eats?

Throw in the words fair trade and organic

No can do

If you call a product organic when it hasn't been certified by an official body you're actually breaking the law

oh right because we don't want our cocaine

- breaking the law - This is never going to work what we just gonna send out spam and hope that someone replies? - Listen, flyers cold calling you looking at a two to three percent success rate

- What about referrals? - Forty to fifty percent

OK so we just need a few

bites to get word of mouth going

And what if we accidentally message a policeman?

Well no policeman's making extra work for themselves by chasing down an anonymous text

Well what if we accidentally message a do gooder who then notifies a policeman?

Myrn's, do you notify a policeman every time you get spam e-mail from some

Nigerian Prince?

- Don't - and we're using burner phones so they won't be able

trace it back to us

- Coffee - I'd love a coffee mate thanks - No, that's our codeword

Flat white for coke, espresso for crack

single short, double shot, how many bags you want?

Sounds good!

Well it's gonna do, yeah

Godspeed

Shall we order some actual coffees?

Yeah good shout

Oh shit the bed

What's your need?

This message

Is it what I think it is?

- It is - How do I know you're not police?

Well unless you're planning on buying a couple kilos police on interested in you

Fair enough, two flat whites and a double espresso please

- Where are you at? - Makepeace Avenue

Someone will be along shortly

- Tell your friends - Er...OK

Bye...er..uh

Hello

Yeah what you want?

- Where are you at? - What coffees do you require?

The second.....and you?

- And where are you at? - Where are you?

- Yeah focal point - What you wearing?

I don't mean that in a sexy way, I just mean you know

What you wearing so we can identify you

When seconds count

- We'll be with you in about 15 - OK bye

besides it's dark

Spread the word OK?