Original subtitles

(theme music playing)

(knocking)

How's it going?

Mm.

Come on, let's see!

Well. "Mother's name:" Oh, I see you used Stacey.

They better not do a criminal background check.

"Father or Guardian: Bernard McCullough."

Why you put that? It's your name, isn't it?

Don't nobody know Bernard McCullough.

But everybody knows Bernie Mac.

You got to know how to use the angles.

That's the name of the game.

I thought the idea

was to get in on my own merit.

And I don't want to use any angles.

Honey, she's right.

So, Nessa, what are you going to write your essay about?

I don't know yet. It's supposed to be a personal statement.

Well, you personally know Bernie Mac.

A lot of kids can't claim that.

(sighs)

America, you know me.

And I don't usually like to play the Mac Man card,

but desperate times call for desperate measures,

and I'm desperate to get at least one of these kids

out of my house.

Ah, yeah.

Hey! (loud tapping)

Come on, let's go! Dinner! Let's go!

(shouting and tapping) Come on, let's go!

Hey, baby! Drop it like it's hot!

Come get it while it's hot!

Honey, it smells fabulous, but I gotta go.

I'm in a rush.

What?! Yeah, honey,

I'm going to that sales conference at the Westin.

Babe, I got a roast served for six--

me plus four-- come on, now!

Oh, and you know what? Don't wait on the kids.

Jordan has play rehearsal, Bryana has soccer

and Vanessa's having a salad in her room.

Fine. I'll eat dinner by my doggone self.

I ain't got to worry about nobody belching at the doggone table.

Chewing with their mouth wide open.

Sitting up there, man, grabbing without asking.

I'll have me a nice, quiet dinner

in a civilized atmosphere.

Hey, where you going?

In front of the TV. Where else?

(door closes)

I'm hungry. I need dinner.

You ever think to call?

Sorry.

Here. You're a big girl.

Heat it yourself.

(electrical popping)

BERNIE: I hear that cellophane.

You best not be eating my fudge strips.

What the...?

(electrical popping continues) Lord!

My Baby Girl know better

than to put aluminum foil in the microwave.

She ain't got the sense God gave a pigeon!

(zapping sound)

(strangled grunt)

(fantasy flashback music playing)

(somber music playing)

Mrs. Mac? Yes?

Would you like to bring your children up now?

They're not my children.

You can take them anywhere.

Children?

SINGER (slow song): ♪ Peace, peace ♪

What are we supposed to do up here?

(mumbles) I don't know.

Act sad or something.

(stifled laughter)

Uncle Bernie!

Uncle Bernie!

He can't hear you.

He's dead.

But I need sour cream.

(sighs)

(somber harp music playing)

Oh, Shimmy, he looks good.

They did a good job. He looks so lifelike.

Yeah, except his gums aren't flapping.

I don't think I've ever seen him this quiet.

It's actually kind of nice.

Well, I'm out of here.

Huh! Thanks for the Escalade.

Well... (grunting)

you won't need this where you're going.

(pants) It might burn up.

BERNIE (voice echoing): Go ahead, take my chain.

I'm still going to haunt you. (menacing laughter)

(screaming)

(laughter fades)

BRYANA: Is he dead?

Should I poke him?

No. He's still breathing.

Uncle Bernie?

Uncle Bernie?

JORDAN: He's coming to, he's coming to.

(groaning softly) BRYANA: What's wrong?

(panting softly) Is he sick?

(peaceful harp music playing)

BERNIE: Oh.

Hey, angels.

My darling angels.

He's delusional.

(sirens in the distance)

Oh...

(tinkling music playing)

WOMAN: Mr. Mac! Mr. Mac!

Mr. Mac, I'm going to take your blood pressure.

Oh... Did you see the angels?

Pupils are slightly dilated.

Oh...

B.P.'s 100 over 60.

Mr. Mac...

♪ Angel, oh... ♪

Mr. Mac, do you feel any pain?

♪ Do you feel the pain? ♪

(sobs) Oh, the kids are angels!

I knew they were angels!

He's in shock.

Mr. Mac! Mr. Mac, do you know what day it is?

Don't you know what day it is?

It's my birthday.

I been reborn.

I know what's going on now.

There-there go the angels!

Remember the angels I was telling you about?

America, they Bernie's Angels.

And it's my birthday.

(squeals)

(Bernie mumbling gibberish)

WANDA: All right, honey. Here we go.

Here we go.

Where are they? Honey, are you okay?

I'm fine. I just want to see them.

Oh, look, there they are.

(moaning and blubbering)

Um... Uncle Bernie, are you okay?

Oh, Nessa...

I'm fine.

Thank you so much for asking.

You're such a caring person.

And thank you for saving my life.

Did it hurt, Uncle Bernie?

Maybe you'll develop super powers like the Incredible Hulk

when he was exposed to gamma radiation.

Have you experienced any changes? VANESSA: Like what?

I don't know, like maybe his bedpan

sticking to his butt like a magnet.

(falsetto laugh)

Oh, you such a funny little lad.

What a clever mind!

Promise me you won't ever change.

(emotionally) Promise me! Okay...

Promise you'll never change.

I promise.

Oh, my little angel.

Don't hit me, Uncle Bernie!

I didn't mean to kill you! Please don't be mad!

(high-pitched, overcome) Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

No, I'm not mad!

You're my little angel!

All y'all my angels!

Y'all precious in my sight!

-(Bernie sobbing) -Oh, that's sweet, honey.

All right, someone's had a long day.

Let's let your uncle get some air.

Come on, honey, let 'em go.

Let 'em go.

Come on, lay it on me. Come on.

I love you...

WANDA: We'll do what the doctor said, let's...

I think that shock fried his brain.

-(Bernie sobbing incoherently) -WANDA: Okay.

Yeah. Deep fried.

America, I could have died tonight.

And what if I did?

Who'd teach those kids?

I'm the only father figure they got.

And Jordan? He's only 13.

Who's going to teach him how to drive?

And what about Nessa?

I'm supposed to be the one she watching

to learn how to choose a husband.

And I don't know if you notice, America,

but she's not watching me yet.

And Baby Girl...

(emotionally) there's so much Baby Girl don't know.

America, I don't have a moment to lose.

Now, Jordan, each layer of meat is separated

by the cheese.

Turkey, Swiss.

Ham, Provolone.

Corned beef, mustard.

Now, there's a Mac sandwich, right there.

It's huge.

(emotionally) Now, remember. The key is mustard.

Life is too short for cheap mustard!

(uncertainly) Hey, Nessa?

Want me to teach ya how to make a Mac sandwich?

Um, I'm good. Thanks.

(wounded) Aren't you forgetting to say something to me?

Good-bye.

No, the "I love you." (small sob)

If I could teach you kids one thing,

it's to always say, "I love you."

Mm-hmm.

(emotionally) Because you never know

when you're going to get another chance.

Mm-mm.

(door closes)

(still emotional) I love her!

And I love you, too!

I love you!

You have a glass of water, a fork and a cucumber.

Now, which one of these three items

does not belong in the microwave?

Well... no one likes hot cucumbers.

(Stevie Wonder: "Heaven Is 10 Zillion Light Years Away")

MAN: You tighten the lug nuts in a star pattern.

You hear that, Jordan?

A star pattern. Now, don't forget that.

What's a star pattern? Ah, it's easy. It's just like...

No, no, no, no, no.

Listen, Jordan, this is very heavy.

What is it? Every other nut.

Microwave popcorn,

food in a microwave-safe container,

or a fork?

♪ Will walk her righteous streets someday ♪

♪ They say that heaven is 10 zillion light years away ♪

You got your gaiters, you got your crease in your britches.

Now there you go.

That's Chi Town, that's how we do it, boy.

They used to tell me, "Bernie Mac, you're crazy.

You can't put your sweater inside your slacks."

Who's kwazy now?

Start tucking.

Now make sure your... your T-shirt is even, okay?

When you tuck your sweater in, make sure that everything--

you don't have no bulge in the back.

Look like you came from the washroom.

♪ That's what my friends ask me ♪

♪ And I say it's taken Him so long ♪

♪ Cause we've got so far to come ♪

The ball of tinfoil.

Yes!

♪ Why can't they say that hate... ♪

(upbeat jazz playing)

You see, son, jazz is not like all the other music.

It feeds the mind and enriches the soul.

Jordan, when I think that I might have passed from this Earth

and never introduced you to the joy of Coltrane, I...

I just...

Uncle Bernie, can I borrow some of your CDs?

I'd like to continue enriching my soul in my room.

'Course you can.

Aw, thank you, Uncle Bernie.

Oh, wait.

That boom box in my room--

the bass is broken in the left speaker.

I guess I just can't hear the bass.

What?

Are you kwazy?

That's Charles Mingus, man.

You gotta hear the bass.

You gotta smell the funk, baby.

Oh, we'll get you a new boom box.

Aw, thank you, Uncle Bernie.

You're welcome.

(panting) Baby Girl.

Baby Girl. Please wake up, Baby Girl. Wake up, wake up.

Do you know where I keep my gun?

You have a gun?

Never mind. Go back to sleep.

Ooh, ooh, ooh, Nessa, you got some mail here.

Stanford University.

Give it. Hold on. Wait a minute.

No. "Join us at Stanford.

"Meet and greet. Can I have--

"Meet the representatives from Stanford University.

Give it. See the Stanford spirit."

Aw, Nessa, you got a chance to score some points.

Oh, we're going to this.

"We"? Yeah.

This says "Vanessa Tompkins and family."

I'm family.

Can I have my mail? Mm-hmm.

You know, Nessa, you can really learn a lot from me

if you weren't so hardheaded.

(upbeat music playing)

I love you.

I do.

She is a tough nut to crack, America,

but I'll get through to her,

just like I got through to the boy.

He's soaking it up like a sponge.

(jazz music playing)

(door slamming)

(jazz stops)

(hip-hop playing) ♪ Lovely love ♪

-♪ That's me ♪ -♪ Lovely love ♪

-♪ What size, player? ♪ -♪ That's me doing it, doing it right ♪

-♪ Right, I'm saying ♪ -♪ Come and get me, girl ♪

♪ Uh-huh, I'll make you happy, girl ♪

(downbeat music playing)

Hey, Nessa... VANESSA: No.

I am not done.

I haven't even started, so stop asking.

I wasn't going to ask you about your essay.

I wanted you to have this.

What is it?

I was watching Oprah.

Last night she had a lady on there was dying of cancer.

So, she made her daughter a tape

to share all her life wisdom.

So, this is my gift to you.

Just one of many.

You watch Oprah?

Religiously.

(indistinct chatter) (soft jazz music playing)

All right, Nessa, here we are.

Now go on over there and introduce yourself. Go ahead.

They're talking. They'll be talking to you if you go over there.

Come on, I'll go with you. No.

I can do it by myself. Okay.

What do I say?

Just go there and strut your stuff

and do the Bernie Mac Five-Step.

The what?

The Bernie Mac Five-Step. On the tape, I showed you.

You did watch the tape, didn't you?

She didn't watch the tape, America.

You remember that Bernie Mac card I told you about?

Well, I'm about to play it.

WOMAN: Nice to meet you.

Oh, man, am I glad that's over. Let's go.

Okay, you get to the car.

I'm going to go use the bathroom.

MAN: He--

Hi. How you doing?

The perfect martini.

But when you grow up, you use gin instead of soda.

(clears throat)

What's wrong, Jordan? Drink up.

(sniffles)

It's just I'm worried about losing you, Uncle Bernie...

I mean, what if I do?

Who would teach me then? (sniffles)

Uncle Bernie, would you make me tapes?

You want tapes?

I'll make you hundreds of tapes.

Jordan, I'll teach you everything I know.

(loud sniffle) You would do that for me?

I'd be honored. (continues sniffling)

Thank you, Uncle Bernie, but...

I'm just worried about the VHS format.

I'm worried it'll go obsolete!

(sniffling and sobbing)

(crying) I didn't think about that, Jordan. I know.

This is one of Oprah's favorite things.

Entirely digital.

You can load them onto this and watch them forever.

Aw, thank you, Uncle Bernie.

You're welcome. Is this the 60 gig?

(rapturous sigh) I love you.

Jordan's Tape #34.

Boxers or Briefs, Part One.

-How could you? -How could I what?

I talked to my guidance counselor.

You went behind my back and pulled your "I'm Bernie Mac" routine.

Why would you do that to me?

I was just trying to help.

Well, I don't need your help.

I don't need anything from you.

(door slams)

BRYANA: Where'd you get that?

Uncle Bernie gave it to me.

Why?

Because he's crazy.

No, he's not.

He's not?

Then why does he walk around like this?

(imitating Bernie) When you poach an egg, don't use too much water.

(coughs) Always trim your nose hairs counterclockwise.

Oh, and lotion your elbows, boy. Ashy ain't cute!

What?

(sighs)

I tried to tell you. (sighs)

(downbeat music playing)

This tape is for you, America.

Parenting Tip #1.

If you want to be happy, don't have kids.

You know, honey, I'm just saying

I can help you with the essay.

I'm a little concerned that

you're kind of running out of time here.

No, thanks.

I'm not going to Stanford.

Everybody knows I'm not smart enough to get in,

so why pretend? Forget it.

Oh, you don't believe that.

And you know we don't believe that.

Then why did Uncle Bernie go behind my back

and practically bribe everybody to let me in?

Hey, I don't know what your uncle did,

but I know whatever he did,

he did it because he believes in you.

Yeah, right.

You know what?

Come with me.

Come on.

WANDA: Come here. Look at this.

Your uncle has spent 30 hours making these tapes.

Okay? Now look.

Moisturizing, Part One.

You know there's a part two. (chuckling)

Small Engine Repair.

Tipping. Why?

See? Look at that.

For My College Graduate.

Now, does that sound like someone who doesn't believe in you?

Hey.

Hey.

Hey, you don't have to say anything.

Aunt Wanda already told me.

You don't want to go to Stanford.

But, Nessa, I really feel you can get in there.

But if you don't want to write the essay,

no worries, no worries.

(laughs) Too late.

I already finished it.

"Tell about the person who most influenced your life"?

Nessa, you wrote a essay about me?

Nessa, I don't know what to say.

(sniffing)

You know how much I... I know, I know.

Please don't say it again.

All right. All right.

(slow, moving song playing) SINGER: ♪ Ooh ♪

Love you, too.

♪ Ooh ooh ♪

America... JORDAN: Uncle Bernie?

I came here to apologize like a man

just like you taught me.

I'm sorry.

Oh, Jordan, that's okay.

Will you still teach me?

Of course, I will.

Shoot, in fact, I got something

I want to teach you right now.

And that is it's okay for a man to cry. Remember that.

And that's why I'm giving this to your sister right now.

(sobbing) No!

You see, America, the boy's a fast learner.

No! Please, Uncle Bernie!

And I'll continue to teach these kids

Please, give it back! as long as they continue to need teaching.

(sniffling) Please! Remember that. And good night.

Shut... Man, shut up. I should have fired on you when you were in there

talking about me behind my back. No! Uncle Bernie, please!

Sometimes you got to let a person think they're winning.

No! (laughs) He thought he had me, yeah.

to teach you how to fix a flat tire.

But... Come on. Let's go teach a flat tire.

I love you! I love you! I love you!

MAN: It's like watching the show. (laughter)

(sobbing) You want tapes?

(sobbing) Yeah, I want tapes! I mean...

I'd be more than happy to make you tapes.

Really? You'd do that for me?

You jumped my line before I could tell you what I was going to do.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Sorry.

Tell you what I was going to do.

(whining in unison) MAN: Cut!

Captioned by Visual Data