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1
00:00:02,986 --> 00:00:05,671
(theme music playing)
2
00:00:17,584 --> 00:00:19,643
(knocking)
3
00:00:19,720 --> 00:00:21,395
How's it going?
4
00:00:21,472 --> 00:00:23,013
Mm.
5
00:00:23,090 --> 00:00:24,440
Come on, let's see!
6
00:00:29,030 --> 00:00:33,273
Well. "Mother's name:"
Oh, I see you used Stacey.
7
00:00:33,350 --> 00:00:36,243
They better not do
a criminal background check.
8
00:00:38,480 --> 00:00:41,198
"Father or Guardian:
Bernard McCullough."
9
00:00:41,274 --> 00:00:44,117
Why you put that?
It's your name,
isn't it?
10
00:00:44,194 --> 00:00:46,036
Don't nobody know
Bernard McCullough.
11
00:00:46,047 --> 00:00:47,579
But everybody knows
Bernie Mac.
12
00:00:47,656 --> 00:00:49,706
You got to know how
to use the angles.
13
00:00:49,783 --> 00:00:50,966
That's the name of the game.
14
00:00:51,043 --> 00:00:52,843
I thought the idea
15
00:00:52,920 --> 00:00:54,961
was to get in
on my own merit.
16
00:00:55,038 --> 00:00:58,548
And I don't want
to use any angles.
17
00:00:58,625 --> 00:01:00,383
Honey, she's right.
18
00:01:00,460 --> 00:01:03,720
So, Nessa, what are you going
to write your essay about?
19
00:01:03,797 --> 00:01:07,390
I don't know yet.
It's supposed to be
a personal statement.
20
00:01:07,467 --> 00:01:09,976
Well, you personally know
Bernie Mac.
21
00:01:10,053 --> 00:01:12,112
A lot of kids
can't claim that.
22
00:01:13,723 --> 00:01:15,074
(sighs)
23
00:01:15,150 --> 00:01:17,076
America, you know me.
24
00:01:17,152 --> 00:01:19,569
And I don't usually like to play
the Mac Man card,
25
00:01:19,580 --> 00:01:22,155
but desperate times call
for desperate measures,
26
00:01:22,232 --> 00:01:24,908
and I'm desperate to get
at least one of these kids
27
00:01:24,985 --> 00:01:26,085
out of my house.
28
00:01:27,421 --> 00:01:29,204
Ah, yeah.
29
00:01:29,281 --> 00:01:30,680
Hey! (loud tapping)
30
00:01:30,757 --> 00:01:32,999
Come on, let's go! Dinner!
Let's go!
31
00:01:33,076 --> 00:01:36,419
(shouting and tapping)
Come on, let's go!
32
00:01:36,496 --> 00:01:39,256
Hey, baby!
Drop it like it's hot!
33
00:01:39,332 --> 00:01:40,966
Come get it
while it's hot!
34
00:01:41,042 --> 00:01:43,727
Honey, it smells fabulous,
but I gotta go.
35
00:01:43,804 --> 00:01:44,603
I'm in a rush.
36
00:01:44,680 --> 00:01:46,179
What?!
Yeah, honey,
37
00:01:46,256 --> 00:01:48,306
I'm going to that sales
conference at the Westin.
38
00:01:48,383 --> 00:01:50,142
Babe, I got a roast served
for six--
39
00:01:50,152 --> 00:01:51,726
me plus four--
come on, now!
40
00:01:51,737 --> 00:01:53,770
Oh, and you know what?
Don't wait on the kids.
41
00:01:53,847 --> 00:01:56,189
Jordan has play rehearsal,
Bryana has soccer
42
00:01:56,266 --> 00:01:58,233
and Vanessa's having
a salad in her room.
43
00:01:58,310 --> 00:02:00,986
Fine. I'll eat dinner
by my doggone self.
44
00:02:01,062 --> 00:02:03,989
I ain't got to worry
about nobody belching
at the doggone table.
45
00:02:04,065 --> 00:02:05,532
Chewing with their
mouth wide open.
46
00:02:05,543 --> 00:02:08,577
Sitting up there, man,
grabbing without asking.
47
00:02:08,653 --> 00:02:10,328
I'll have me a nice,
quiet dinner
48
00:02:10,405 --> 00:02:11,830
in a civilized atmosphere.
49
00:02:11,907 --> 00:02:13,206
Hey, where you going?
50
00:02:13,283 --> 00:02:15,509
In front of the TV. Where else?
51
00:02:19,089 --> 00:02:20,556
(door closes)
52
00:02:22,292 --> 00:02:24,259
I'm hungry.
I need dinner.
53
00:02:24,336 --> 00:02:26,011
You ever think to call?
54
00:02:26,087 --> 00:02:28,346
Sorry.
55
00:02:28,423 --> 00:02:30,891
Here. You're a big girl.
56
00:02:30,967 --> 00:02:32,568
Heat it yourself.
57
00:02:47,367 --> 00:02:49,409
(electrical popping)
58
00:02:49,486 --> 00:02:50,610
BERNIE:
I hear that
cellophane.
59
00:02:50,688 --> 00:02:53,663
You best not be eating
my fudge strips.
60
00:02:53,740 --> 00:02:55,373
What the...?
61
00:02:55,450 --> 00:02:57,301
(electrical popping
continues)
Lord!
62
00:02:57,377 --> 00:02:58,727
My Baby Girl know better
63
00:02:58,637 --> 00:03:00,295
than to put aluminum foil
in the microwave.
64
00:03:00,372 --> 00:03:02,764
She ain't got the sense
God gave a pigeon!
65
00:03:05,085 --> 00:03:08,845
(zapping sound)
66
00:03:08,922 --> 00:03:10,689
(strangled grunt)
67
00:03:12,634 --> 00:03:16,778
(fantasy flashback music
playing)
68
00:03:25,772 --> 00:03:28,582
(somber music playing)
69
00:03:37,284 --> 00:03:38,875
Mrs. Mac?
Yes?
70
00:03:38,952 --> 00:03:41,336
Would you like to bring
your children up now?
71
00:03:41,413 --> 00:03:43,013
They're not
my children.
72
00:03:43,090 --> 00:03:45,590
You can take
them anywhere.
73
00:03:45,667 --> 00:03:46,808
Children?
74
00:03:54,259 --> 00:03:58,019
SINGER (slow song):♪ Peace, peace ♪
75
00:03:58,096 --> 00:04:00,397
What are we supposed
to do up here?
76
00:04:00,473 --> 00:04:01,898
(mumbles)
I don't know.
77
00:04:01,975 --> 00:04:03,650
Act sad or something.
78
00:04:03,727 --> 00:04:05,235
(stifled laughter)
79
00:04:05,246 --> 00:04:06,736
Uncle Bernie!
80
00:04:06,813 --> 00:04:08,113
Uncle Bernie!
81
00:04:08,189 --> 00:04:09,281
He can't hear you.
82
00:04:09,357 --> 00:04:10,949
He's dead.
83
00:04:11,026 --> 00:04:13,618
But I need sour cream.
84
00:04:13,695 --> 00:04:15,420
(sighs)
85
00:04:17,082 --> 00:04:18,581
(somber harp music playing)
86
00:04:18,658 --> 00:04:20,375
Oh, Shimmy, he looks good.
87
00:04:20,452 --> 00:04:23,053
They did a good job.
He looks so lifelike.
88
00:04:23,130 --> 00:04:25,880
Yeah, except his gums
aren't flapping.
89
00:04:25,957 --> 00:04:28,883
I don't think I've
ever seen him this quiet.
90
00:04:28,894 --> 00:04:32,762
It's actually kind of nice.
91
00:04:32,773 --> 00:04:34,814
Well, I'm out of here.
92
00:04:38,395 --> 00:04:42,281
Huh! Thanks for the Escalade.
93
00:04:44,434 --> 00:04:47,786
Well...
(grunting)
94
00:04:47,863 --> 00:04:49,571
you won't need this
where you're going.
95
00:04:49,647 --> 00:04:51,598
(pants)
It might burn up.
96
00:04:55,296 --> 00:04:57,829
BERNIE (voice echoing):Go ahead, take my chain.
97
00:04:57,906 --> 00:05:01,666
I'm still going to haunt you.(menacing laughter)
98
00:05:01,677 --> 00:05:02,968
(screaming)
99
00:05:06,206 --> 00:05:07,764
(laughter fades)
100
00:05:11,044 --> 00:05:12,010
BRYANA:
Is he dead?
101
00:05:12,087 --> 00:05:13,303
Should I poke him?
102
00:05:13,380 --> 00:05:15,105
No. He's still breathing.
103
00:05:15,182 --> 00:05:16,222
Uncle Bernie?
104
00:05:16,299 --> 00:05:17,733
Uncle Bernie?
105
00:05:17,809 --> 00:05:19,351
JORDAN:
He's coming to,
he's coming to.
106
00:05:19,361 --> 00:05:20,643
(groaning softly)
BRYANA: What's wrong?
107
00:05:20,720 --> 00:05:22,479
(panting softly)
Is he sick?
108
00:05:22,555 --> 00:05:24,731
(peaceful harp music playing)
109
00:05:24,808 --> 00:05:26,024
BERNIE: Oh.
110
00:05:26,101 --> 00:05:27,909
Hey, angels.
111
00:05:29,455 --> 00:05:31,988
My darling angels.
112
00:05:32,065 --> 00:05:34,324
He's delusional.
113
00:05:34,401 --> 00:05:36,701
(sirens in the distance)
114
00:05:36,778 --> 00:05:37,535
Oh...
115
00:05:37,612 --> 00:05:40,914
(tinkling music playing)
116
00:05:40,990 --> 00:05:44,584
WOMAN:
Mr. Mac! Mr. Mac!
117
00:05:44,661 --> 00:05:47,170
Mr. Mac, I'm going to take
your blood pressure.
118
00:05:47,247 --> 00:05:51,141
Oh...
Did you see the angels?
119
00:05:51,218 --> 00:05:53,343
Pupils are
slightly dilated.
120
00:05:53,420 --> 00:05:55,011
Oh...
121
00:05:55,088 --> 00:05:56,721
B.P.'s 100 over 60.
122
00:05:56,798 --> 00:05:57,847
Mr. Mac...
123
00:05:57,858 --> 00:05:59,641
♪ Angel, oh... ♪
124
00:05:59,717 --> 00:06:01,393
Mr. Mac, do you feel
any pain?
125
00:06:01,403 --> 00:06:03,987
♪ Do you feel the pain? ♪
126
00:06:04,064 --> 00:06:08,316
(sobs)
Oh, the kids are angels!
127
00:06:08,327 --> 00:06:10,860
I knew they were angels!
128
00:06:10,871 --> 00:06:12,220
He's in shock.
129
00:06:12,297 --> 00:06:15,281
Mr. Mac! Mr. Mac,
do you know what day it is?
130
00:06:15,358 --> 00:06:17,909
Don't you know
what day it is?
131
00:06:17,986 --> 00:06:19,744
It's my birthday.
132
00:06:19,755 --> 00:06:21,371
I been reborn.
133
00:06:21,382 --> 00:06:23,248
I know what's going on now.
134
00:06:23,258 --> 00:06:24,883
There-there go the angels!
135
00:06:24,960 --> 00:06:28,178
Remember the angels
I was telling you about?
136
00:06:28,255 --> 00:06:30,088
America, they Bernie's Angels.
137
00:06:30,165 --> 00:06:31,881
And it's my birthday.
138
00:06:31,958 --> 00:06:33,600
(squeals)
139
00:06:39,632 --> 00:06:41,307
(Bernie mumbling gibberish)
140
00:06:41,384 --> 00:06:43,685
WANDA:
All right, honey.
Here we go.
141
00:06:43,761 --> 00:06:45,145
Here we go.
142
00:06:45,221 --> 00:06:47,656
Where are they?
Honey, are you okay?
143
00:06:47,732 --> 00:06:49,399
I'm fine. I just
want to see them.
144
00:06:49,476 --> 00:06:51,151
Oh, look,
there they are.
145
00:06:51,227 --> 00:06:54,237
(moaning and blubbering)
146
00:06:54,314 --> 00:06:56,739
Um... Uncle Bernie,
are you okay?
147
00:06:56,816 --> 00:06:58,825
Oh, Nessa...
148
00:06:58,836 --> 00:07:01,244
I'm fine.
149
00:07:01,255 --> 00:07:03,121
Thank you so much
for asking.
150
00:07:03,198 --> 00:07:06,374
You're such
a caring person.
151
00:07:06,451 --> 00:07:09,043
And thank you
for saving my life.
152
00:07:09,120 --> 00:07:10,962
Did it hurt, Uncle Bernie?
153
00:07:11,039 --> 00:07:13,515
Maybe you'll develop
super powers
like the Incredible Hulk
154
00:07:13,592 --> 00:07:15,049
when he was exposed
to gamma radiation.
155
00:07:15,126 --> 00:07:17,894
Have you experienced
any changes?
VANESSA:
Like what?
156
00:07:17,971 --> 00:07:20,054
I don't know,
like maybe his bedpan
157
00:07:20,131 --> 00:07:21,222
sticking to his butt
like a magnet.
158
00:07:21,299 --> 00:07:23,892
(falsetto laugh)
159
00:07:23,968 --> 00:07:27,228
Oh, you such
a funny little lad.
160
00:07:27,305 --> 00:07:29,731
What a clever mind!
161
00:07:29,807 --> 00:07:31,900
Promise me you won't
ever change.
162
00:07:31,976 --> 00:07:33,276
(emotionally)
Promise me!
Okay...
163
00:07:33,287 --> 00:07:34,694
Promise you'll never change.
164
00:07:34,771 --> 00:07:35,871
I promise.
165
00:07:35,947 --> 00:07:37,739
Oh, my little angel.
166
00:07:37,815 --> 00:07:39,574
Don't hit me, Uncle Bernie!
167
00:07:39,651 --> 00:07:41,993
I didn't mean to kill you!
Please don't be mad!
168
00:07:42,070 --> 00:07:43,745
(high-pitched, overcome)
Oh, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no!
169
00:07:43,821 --> 00:07:45,547
No, I'm not mad!
170
00:07:45,624 --> 00:07:48,082
You're my little angel!
171
00:07:48,159 --> 00:07:51,336
All y'all my angels!
172
00:07:51,412 --> 00:07:53,963
Y'all precious in my sight!
173
00:07:54,040 --> 00:07:56,424
-(Bernie sobbing)
-Oh, that's sweet, honey.
174
00:07:56,501 --> 00:07:58,384
All right, someone's
had a long day.
175
00:07:58,461 --> 00:08:00,053
Let's let your uncle
get some air.
176
00:08:00,129 --> 00:08:01,304
Come on, honey,
let 'em go.
177
00:08:01,315 --> 00:08:02,597
Let 'em go.
178
00:08:02,608 --> 00:08:04,098
Come on, lay it on me.
Come on.
179
00:08:04,175 --> 00:08:05,609
I love you...
180
00:08:05,685 --> 00:08:07,602
WANDA: We'll do
what the doctor said, let's...
181
00:08:07,613 --> 00:08:09,812
I think that shock
fried his brain.
182
00:08:09,889 --> 00:08:11,898
-(Bernie sobbing incoherently)
-WANDA: Okay.
183
00:08:11,909 --> 00:08:13,733
Yeah. Deep fried.
184
00:08:13,810 --> 00:08:17,278
America, I could
have died tonight.
185
00:08:17,355 --> 00:08:19,113
And what if I did?
186
00:08:19,190 --> 00:08:20,782
Who'd teach those kids?
187
00:08:20,792 --> 00:08:23,326
I'm the only father figure
they got.
188
00:08:23,403 --> 00:08:25,286
And Jordan? He's only 13.
189
00:08:25,363 --> 00:08:26,922
Who's going to teach him
how to drive?
190
00:08:26,998 --> 00:08:28,373
And what about Nessa?
191
00:08:28,449 --> 00:08:30,375
I'm supposed to be the one
she watching
192
00:08:30,451 --> 00:08:31,834
to learn how to choose
a husband.
193
00:08:31,911 --> 00:08:33,795
And I don't know if you notice,
America,
194
00:08:33,871 --> 00:08:36,139
but she's not watching me yet.
195
00:08:36,216 --> 00:08:38,249
And Baby Girl...
196
00:08:38,060 --> 00:08:40,802
(emotionally)
there's so much
Baby Girl don't know.
197
00:08:40,878 --> 00:08:44,898
America, I don't have
a moment to lose.
198
00:08:44,975 --> 00:08:48,434
Now, Jordan, each layer
of meat is separated
199
00:08:48,445 --> 00:08:50,144
by the cheese.
200
00:08:50,155 --> 00:08:53,022
Turkey, Swiss.
201
00:08:53,099 --> 00:08:55,525
Ham, Provolone.
202
00:08:55,602 --> 00:08:59,070
Corned beef, mustard.
203
00:08:59,147 --> 00:09:02,865
Now, there's a Mac
sandwich, right there.
204
00:09:02,942 --> 00:09:04,358
It's huge.
205
00:09:04,436 --> 00:09:07,245
(emotionally)
Now, remember.
The key is mustard.
206
00:09:07,322 --> 00:09:10,790
Life is too short
for cheap mustard!
207
00:09:10,867 --> 00:09:13,677
(uncertainly)
Hey, Nessa?
208
00:09:13,753 --> 00:09:15,971
Want me to teach ya
how to make a Mac sandwich?
209
00:09:16,047 --> 00:09:17,839
Um, I'm good. Thanks.
210
00:09:17,915 --> 00:09:20,341
(wounded)
Aren't you forgetting
to say something to me?
211
00:09:20,418 --> 00:09:22,385
Good-bye.
212
00:09:22,462 --> 00:09:24,387
No, the "I love you."
(small sob)
213
00:09:24,464 --> 00:09:25,972
If I could teach you
kids one thing,
214
00:09:25,983 --> 00:09:27,932
it's to always say,
"I love you."
215
00:09:28,009 --> 00:09:28,984
Mm-hmm.
216
00:09:29,060 --> 00:09:30,602
(emotionally)
Because you never know
217
00:09:30,678 --> 00:09:31,987
when you're going to get
another chance.
218
00:09:32,063 --> 00:09:34,022
Mm-mm.
219
00:09:34,098 --> 00:09:35,523
(door closes)
220
00:09:35,600 --> 00:09:38,109
(still emotional)
I love her!
221
00:09:38,186 --> 00:09:39,485
And I love you, too!
222
00:09:39,496 --> 00:09:42,238
I love you!
223
00:09:42,315 --> 00:09:45,875
You have a glass of water,
a fork and a cucumber.
224
00:09:45,952 --> 00:09:47,702
Now, which one of
these three items
225
00:09:47,713 --> 00:09:49,879
does not belong
in the microwave?
226
00:09:51,658 --> 00:09:54,792
Well... no one likes
hot cucumbers.
227
00:09:54,869 --> 00:09:59,839
(Stevie Wonder:
"Heaven Is 10 Zillion
Light Years Away")
228
00:09:59,850 --> 00:10:02,342
MAN:
You tighten the lug nuts
in a star pattern.
229
00:10:02,418 --> 00:10:03,885
You hear that,
Jordan?
230
00:10:03,961 --> 00:10:06,220
A star pattern.
Now, don't forget that.
231
00:10:06,297 --> 00:10:08,264
What's a star pattern?
Ah, it's easy. It's just like...
232
00:10:08,341 --> 00:10:09,724
No, no, no,
no, no.
233
00:10:09,735 --> 00:10:11,693
Listen, Jordan,
this is very heavy.
234
00:10:11,770 --> 00:10:14,187
What is it?
Every other nut.
235
00:10:14,263 --> 00:10:16,064
Microwave popcorn,
236
00:10:16,140 --> 00:10:20,368
food in
a microwave-safe container,
237
00:10:20,445 --> 00:10:22,153
or a fork?
238
00:10:22,230 --> 00:10:25,239
♪ Will walk her righteousstreets someday ♪
239
00:10:25,316 --> 00:10:28,242
♪ They say that heaven is10 zillion light years away ♪
240
00:10:28,319 --> 00:10:30,629
You got your gaiters,
you got your crease
in your britches.
241
00:10:30,705 --> 00:10:32,205
Now there you go.
242
00:10:32,215 --> 00:10:34,549
That's Chi Town,
that's how we do it, boy.
243
00:10:34,626 --> 00:10:36,959
They used to tell me,
"Bernie Mac, you're crazy.
244
00:10:37,036 --> 00:10:39,212
You can't put your sweater
inside your slacks."
245
00:10:39,288 --> 00:10:40,713
Who's kwazy now?
246
00:10:40,790 --> 00:10:42,674
Start tucking.
247
00:10:42,750 --> 00:10:45,968
Now make sure your...
your T-shirt is even, okay?
248
00:10:46,045 --> 00:10:48,930
When you tuck your sweater in,
make sure that everything--
249
00:10:49,006 --> 00:10:50,640
you don't have no bulge
in the back.
250
00:10:50,651 --> 00:10:52,475
Look like you came
from the washroom.
251
00:10:52,552 --> 00:10:55,779
♪ That's whatmy friends ask me ♪
252
00:10:55,855 --> 00:10:58,573
♪ And I sayit's taken Him so long ♪
253
00:10:58,650 --> 00:11:04,612
♪ Cause we've gotso far to come ♪
254
00:11:04,689 --> 00:11:06,781
The ball of tinfoil.
255
00:11:06,792 --> 00:11:08,116
Yes!
256
00:11:08,192 --> 00:11:12,620
♪ Why can't they saythat hate... ♪
257
00:11:12,697 --> 00:11:15,840
(upbeat jazz playing)
258
00:11:21,497 --> 00:11:24,924
You see, son, jazz is not
like all the other music.
259
00:11:25,001 --> 00:11:28,812
It feeds the mind
and enriches the soul.
260
00:11:28,888 --> 00:11:31,106
Jordan, when I think
that I might have passed
from this Earth
261
00:11:31,182 --> 00:11:35,601
and never introduced you
to the joy of Coltrane, I...
262
00:11:35,678 --> 00:11:37,019
I just...
263
00:11:37,096 --> 00:11:38,980
Uncle Bernie, can I
borrow some of your CDs?
264
00:11:39,056 --> 00:11:42,108
I'd like to continue
enriching my soul
in my room.
265
00:11:42,185 --> 00:11:43,693
'Course you can.
266
00:11:43,770 --> 00:11:45,537
Aw, thank you,
Uncle Bernie.
267
00:11:45,613 --> 00:11:47,488
Oh, wait.
268
00:11:47,565 --> 00:11:48,923
That boom box
in my room--
269
00:11:48,834 --> 00:11:52,076
the bass is broken
in the left speaker.
270
00:11:52,153 --> 00:11:54,036
I guess I just can't
hear the bass.
271
00:11:54,113 --> 00:11:55,288
What?
272
00:11:55,364 --> 00:11:56,664
Are you kwazy?
273
00:11:56,741 --> 00:11:58,499
That's Charles Mingus, man.
274
00:11:58,576 --> 00:12:00,543
You gotta hear the bass.
275
00:12:00,620 --> 00:12:02,420
You gotta smell
the funk, baby.
276
00:12:02,497 --> 00:12:04,338
Oh, we'll get you
a new boom box.
277
00:12:04,415 --> 00:12:06,048
Aw, thank you,
Uncle Bernie.
278
00:12:06,125 --> 00:12:07,100
You're welcome.
279
00:12:16,695 --> 00:12:18,561
(panting)
Baby Girl.
280
00:12:18,638 --> 00:12:22,482
Baby Girl.
Please wake up, Baby Girl.
Wake up, wake up.
281
00:12:22,558 --> 00:12:24,192
Do you know where I keep my gun?
282
00:12:24,268 --> 00:12:25,452
You have a gun?
283
00:12:27,021 --> 00:12:29,122
Never mind.
Go back to sleep.
284
00:12:33,903 --> 00:12:37,705
Ooh, ooh, ooh, Nessa,
you got some mail here.
285
00:12:37,782 --> 00:12:39,373
Stanford University.
286
00:12:39,450 --> 00:12:40,833
Give it.
Hold on.
Wait a minute.
287
00:12:40,910 --> 00:12:42,043
No.
"Join us at Stanford.
288
00:12:42,119 --> 00:12:44,045
"Meet and greet.
Can I have--
289
00:12:44,121 --> 00:12:46,547
"Meet the representatives
from Stanford University.
290
00:12:46,624 --> 00:12:49,050
Give it.
See the Stanford spirit."
291
00:12:49,126 --> 00:12:51,969
Aw, Nessa, you got a chance
to score some points.
292
00:12:52,046 --> 00:12:53,554
Oh, we're going to this.
293
00:12:53,631 --> 00:12:55,056
"We"?
Yeah.
294
00:12:55,066 --> 00:12:58,059
This says "Vanessa
Tompkins and family."
295
00:12:58,135 --> 00:12:59,727
I'm family.
296
00:12:59,804 --> 00:13:02,238
Can I have my mail?
Mm-hmm.
297
00:13:04,308 --> 00:13:06,901
You know, Nessa, you can
really learn a lot from me
298
00:13:06,978 --> 00:13:08,411
if you weren't so hardheaded.
299
00:13:08,488 --> 00:13:10,747
(upbeat music playing)
300
00:13:11,899 --> 00:13:13,249
I love you.
301
00:13:16,195 --> 00:13:17,954
I do.
302
00:13:18,030 --> 00:13:21,082
She is a tough nut to crack,
America,
303
00:13:21,158 --> 00:13:22,750
but I'll get through to her,
304
00:13:22,827 --> 00:13:24,669
just like I got through
to the boy.
305
00:13:24,745 --> 00:13:27,222
He's soaking it up
like a sponge.
306
00:13:27,298 --> 00:13:29,465
(jazz music playing)
307
00:13:29,542 --> 00:13:31,092
(door slamming)
308
00:13:31,168 --> 00:13:32,218
(jazz stops)
309
00:13:33,605 --> 00:13:35,888
(hip-hop playing)
♪ Lovely love ♪
310
00:13:35,965 --> 00:13:38,307
-♪ That's me ♪-♪ Lovely love ♪
311
00:13:38,384 --> 00:13:40,560
-♪ What size, player? ♪-♪ That's me doing it,doing it right ♪
312
00:13:40,636 --> 00:13:43,855
-♪ Right, I'm saying ♪-♪ Come and get me, girl ♪
313
00:13:43,931 --> 00:13:46,074
♪ Uh-huh, I'll make youhappy, girl ♪
314
00:13:49,353 --> 00:13:52,121
(downbeat music playing)
315
00:13:57,987 --> 00:13:59,745
Hey, Nessa...
VANESSA:
No.
316
00:13:59,822 --> 00:14:01,247
I am not done.
317
00:14:01,324 --> 00:14:03,749
I haven't even started,
so stop asking.
318
00:14:03,760 --> 00:14:05,552
I wasn't going to ask you
about your essay.
319
00:14:06,888 --> 00:14:08,471
I wanted you to have this.
320
00:14:08,548 --> 00:14:10,223
What is it?
321
00:14:11,801 --> 00:14:13,426
I was watching Oprah.
322
00:14:13,502 --> 00:14:16,980
Last night she had
a lady on there
was dying of cancer.
323
00:14:17,056 --> 00:14:18,890
So, she made her
daughter a tape
324
00:14:18,966 --> 00:14:21,851
to share all her life wisdom.
325
00:14:21,928 --> 00:14:25,479
So, this is my gift to you.
326
00:14:25,490 --> 00:14:26,823
Just one of many.
327
00:14:28,476 --> 00:14:29,775
You watch Oprah?
328
00:14:29,786 --> 00:14:31,485
Religiously.
329
00:14:31,562 --> 00:14:34,205
(indistinct chatter)
(soft jazz music playing)
330
00:14:48,162 --> 00:14:49,962
All right, Nessa,
here we are.
331
00:14:50,039 --> 00:14:52,214
Now go on over there
and introduce yourself.
Go ahead.
332
00:14:52,291 --> 00:14:55,018
They're talking.
They'll be talking to you
if you go over there.
333
00:14:55,094 --> 00:14:57,219
Come on,
I'll go with you.
No.
334
00:14:57,230 --> 00:14:59,856
I can do it
by myself.
Okay.
335
00:15:03,803 --> 00:15:04,977
What do I say?
336
00:15:05,054 --> 00:15:06,821
Just go there
and strut your stuff
337
00:15:06,898 --> 00:15:08,689
and do the
Bernie Mac Five-Step.
338
00:15:08,766 --> 00:15:10,358
The what?
339
00:15:10,434 --> 00:15:12,610
The Bernie Mac Five-Step.
On the tape,
I showed you.
340
00:15:12,687 --> 00:15:14,162
You did watch the tape,
didn't you?
341
00:15:16,366 --> 00:15:18,407
She didn't watch the tape,
America.
342
00:15:18,484 --> 00:15:21,202
You remember that Bernie Mac
card I told you about?
343
00:15:21,278 --> 00:15:23,704
Well, I'm about to play it.
344
00:15:23,781 --> 00:15:25,465
WOMAN: Nice to meet you.
345
00:15:27,460 --> 00:15:29,669
Oh, man, am I glad
that's over. Let's go.
346
00:15:29,745 --> 00:15:31,045
Okay, you get
to the car.
347
00:15:31,056 --> 00:15:32,889
I'm going to go
use the bathroom.
348
00:15:39,389 --> 00:15:40,638
MAN: He--
349
00:15:40,715 --> 00:15:41,806
Hi.
How you doing?
350
00:15:41,816 --> 00:15:44,058
The perfect martini.
351
00:15:44,135 --> 00:15:47,937
But when you grow up,
you use gin instead of soda.
352
00:15:48,014 --> 00:15:50,231
(clears throat)
353
00:15:50,307 --> 00:15:53,192
What's wrong, Jordan?
Drink up.
354
00:15:53,269 --> 00:15:54,927
(sniffles)
355
00:15:55,004 --> 00:15:56,612
It's just I'm worried about
losing you, Uncle Bernie...
356
00:15:56,689 --> 00:15:58,873
I mean, what if I do?
357
00:15:58,950 --> 00:16:01,701
Who would teach me then?
(sniffles)
358
00:16:01,777 --> 00:16:04,328
Uncle Bernie,
would you make me tapes?
359
00:16:04,339 --> 00:16:06,998
You want tapes?
360
00:16:07,074 --> 00:16:08,958
I'll make you
hundreds of tapes.
361
00:16:09,035 --> 00:16:10,751
Jordan, I'll teach you
everything I know.
362
00:16:10,762 --> 00:16:13,421
(loud sniffle)
You would do that for me?
363
00:16:13,497 --> 00:16:15,589
I'd be honored.
(continues sniffling)
364
00:16:15,666 --> 00:16:17,308
Thank you, Uncle Bernie, but...
365
00:16:17,385 --> 00:16:20,052
I'm just worried
about the VHS format.
366
00:16:20,129 --> 00:16:22,805
I'm worried
it'll go obsolete!
367
00:16:22,882 --> 00:16:25,182
(sniffling and sobbing)
368
00:16:25,259 --> 00:16:28,269
(crying)
I didn't think
about that, Jordan.
I know.
369
00:16:28,345 --> 00:16:31,397
This is one of Oprah's
favorite things.
370
00:16:31,474 --> 00:16:33,207
Entirely digital.
371
00:16:33,118 --> 00:16:35,693
You can load them onto this
and watch them forever.
372
00:16:35,770 --> 00:16:37,486
Aw, thank you, Uncle Bernie.
373
00:16:37,563 --> 00:16:39,864
You're welcome.
Is this the 60 gig?
374
00:16:39,940 --> 00:16:42,208
(rapturous sigh)
I love you.
375
00:16:43,628 --> 00:16:46,120
Jordan's Tape #34.
376
00:16:46,197 --> 00:16:48,464
Boxers or Briefs, Part One.
377
00:16:50,034 --> 00:16:51,926
-How could you?
-How could I what?
378
00:16:52,003 --> 00:16:53,794
I talked
to my guidance counselor.
379
00:16:53,871 --> 00:16:56,756
You went behind my back
and pulled your
"I'm Bernie Mac" routine.
380
00:16:56,832 --> 00:16:59,216
Why would you do that to me?
381
00:16:59,293 --> 00:17:00,801
I was just trying to help.
382
00:17:00,878 --> 00:17:02,145
Well, I don't need your help.
383
00:17:02,221 --> 00:17:05,306
I don't need anything
from you.
384
00:17:05,382 --> 00:17:07,016
(door slams)
385
00:17:10,387 --> 00:17:11,946
BRYANA:
Where'd you get that?
386
00:17:12,023 --> 00:17:13,564
Uncle Bernie
gave it to me.
387
00:17:13,641 --> 00:17:14,815
Why?
388
00:17:14,892 --> 00:17:16,317
Because he's crazy.
389
00:17:16,393 --> 00:17:17,485
No, he's not.
390
00:17:17,561 --> 00:17:18,819
He's not?
391
00:17:18,896 --> 00:17:21,247
Then why does he
walk around like this?
392
00:17:24,535 --> 00:17:26,869
(imitating Bernie)
When you poach an egg,
don't use too much water.
393
00:17:26,946 --> 00:17:30,289
(coughs)
Always trim your nose hairs
counterclockwise.
394
00:17:30,300 --> 00:17:34,093
Oh, and lotion your elbows, boy.
Ashy ain't cute!
395
00:17:36,497 --> 00:17:37,680
What?
396
00:17:39,684 --> 00:17:41,017
(sighs)
397
00:17:43,754 --> 00:17:45,930
I tried to tell you.
(sighs)
398
00:17:46,006 --> 00:17:48,182
(downbeat music playing)
399
00:17:48,193 --> 00:17:50,893
This tape is for you, America.
400
00:17:50,970 --> 00:17:53,354
Parenting Tip #1.
401
00:17:53,430 --> 00:17:57,492
If you want to be happy,
don't have kids.
402
00:17:58,703 --> 00:18:00,203
You know, honey,
I'm just saying
403
00:18:00,279 --> 00:18:01,904
I can help you
with the essay.
404
00:18:01,981 --> 00:18:03,414
I'm a little
concerned that
405
00:18:03,491 --> 00:18:04,824
you're kind of running
out of time here.
406
00:18:04,900 --> 00:18:06,075
No, thanks.
407
00:18:06,152 --> 00:18:07,576
I'm not going to Stanford.
408
00:18:07,653 --> 00:18:09,870
Everybody knows I'm not
smart enough to get in,
409
00:18:09,947 --> 00:18:11,831
so why pretend?
Forget it.
410
00:18:11,907 --> 00:18:13,382
Oh, you don't
believe that.
411
00:18:13,459 --> 00:18:15,251
And you know we
don't believe that.
412
00:18:15,327 --> 00:18:18,387
Then why did Uncle Bernie
go behind my back
413
00:18:18,464 --> 00:18:21,057
and practically bribe
everybody to let me in?
414
00:18:22,593 --> 00:18:26,303
Hey, I don't know
what your uncle did,
415
00:18:26,380 --> 00:18:28,389
but I know
whatever he did,
416
00:18:28,465 --> 00:18:31,684
he did it because
he believes in you.
417
00:18:31,760 --> 00:18:33,319
Yeah, right.
418
00:18:35,097 --> 00:18:36,897
You know what?
419
00:18:36,974 --> 00:18:38,065
Come with me.
420
00:18:38,142 --> 00:18:40,734
Come on.
421
00:18:40,745 --> 00:18:43,320
WANDA:
Come here. Look at this.
422
00:18:43,397 --> 00:18:47,449
Your uncle has spent 30 hours
making these tapes.
423
00:18:47,526 --> 00:18:49,201
Okay? Now look.
424
00:18:49,278 --> 00:18:50,661
Moisturizing, Part One.
425
00:18:50,738 --> 00:18:52,913
You know there's a part two.
(chuckling)
426
00:18:52,924 --> 00:18:54,999
Small Engine Repair.
427
00:18:55,075 --> 00:18:57,001
Tipping. Why?
428
00:18:57,077 --> 00:18:59,336
See? Look at that.
429
00:18:59,413 --> 00:19:02,056
For My College Graduate.
430
00:19:02,133 --> 00:19:05,560
Now, does that sound like
someone who doesn't
believe in you?
431
00:19:09,340 --> 00:19:11,348
Hey.
432
00:19:11,425 --> 00:19:12,608
Hey.
433
00:19:14,011 --> 00:19:16,270
Hey, you don't have
to say anything.
434
00:19:16,347 --> 00:19:18,230
Aunt Wanda
already told me.
435
00:19:18,307 --> 00:19:19,773
You don't want
to go to Stanford.
436
00:19:19,784 --> 00:19:24,078
But, Nessa, I really feel
you can get in there.
437
00:19:24,155 --> 00:19:25,788
But if you don't want
to write the essay,
438
00:19:25,865 --> 00:19:27,948
no worries, no worries.
439
00:19:28,025 --> 00:19:30,075
(laughs)
Too late.
440
00:19:30,086 --> 00:19:31,711
I already finished it.
441
00:19:40,496 --> 00:19:43,848
"Tell about the person
who most influenced your life"?
442
00:19:54,969 --> 00:19:56,736
Nessa, you wrote a essay
about me?
443
00:20:02,017 --> 00:20:03,651
Nessa, I don't know what to say.
444
00:20:03,727 --> 00:20:05,319
(sniffing)
445
00:20:05,396 --> 00:20:08,822
You know how much I...
I know, I know.
446
00:20:08,899 --> 00:20:10,824
Please don't say it again.
447
00:20:10,835 --> 00:20:14,629
All right. All right.
448
00:20:16,573 --> 00:20:19,041
(slow, moving song playing)
SINGER: ♪ Ooh ♪
449
00:20:19,118 --> 00:20:21,794
Love you, too.
450
00:20:21,870 --> 00:20:24,472
♪ Ooh ooh ♪
451
00:20:26,709 --> 00:20:30,261
America...
JORDAN:
Uncle Bernie?
452
00:20:30,337 --> 00:20:32,680
I came here to apologize
like a man
453
00:20:32,756 --> 00:20:34,556
just like you taught me.
454
00:20:34,633 --> 00:20:36,767
I'm sorry.
455
00:20:36,844 --> 00:20:38,686
Oh, Jordan,
that's okay.
456
00:20:38,762 --> 00:20:40,938
Will you still teach me?
457
00:20:41,015 --> 00:20:42,615
Of course, I will.
458
00:20:42,692 --> 00:20:44,525
Shoot, in fact,
I got something
459
00:20:44,601 --> 00:20:46,902
I want to teach you
right now.
460
00:20:46,913 --> 00:20:51,699
And that is it's okay
for a man to cry.
Remember that.
461
00:20:51,775 --> 00:20:54,710
And that's why
I'm giving this
to your sister right now.
462
00:20:56,363 --> 00:20:58,381
(sobbing)
No!
463
00:20:58,457 --> 00:21:00,040
You see, America,
the boy's a fast learner.
464
00:21:00,117 --> 00:21:01,533
No! Please,
Uncle Bernie!
465
00:21:01,511 --> 00:21:03,711
And I'll continue
to teach these kids
466
00:21:03,787 --> 00:21:06,046
Please, give it back!
as long as they
continue to need teaching.
467
00:21:06,123 --> 00:21:09,049
(sniffling)
Please!
Remember that.
And good night.
468
00:21:09,126 --> 00:21:11,602
Shut... Man, shut up.
I should have fired on you
when you were in there
469
00:21:11,679 --> 00:21:13,762
talking about
me behind my back.
No!
Uncle Bernie, please!
470
00:21:13,839 --> 00:21:16,223
Sometimes you got
to let a person
think they're winning.
471
00:21:16,300 --> 00:21:19,402
No!
(laughs)
He thought he
had me, yeah.
472
00:21:24,808 --> 00:21:26,525
to teach you how
to fix a flat tire.
473
00:21:26,602 --> 00:21:29,412
But...
Come on.
Let's go teach a flat tire.
474
00:21:29,488 --> 00:21:31,822
I love you! I love you!
I love you!
475
00:21:31,899 --> 00:21:33,866
MAN: It's like
watching the show.
(laughter)
476
00:21:33,942 --> 00:21:35,617
(sobbing)
You want tapes?
477
00:21:35,694 --> 00:21:37,745
(sobbing)
Yeah, I want tapes!
I mean...
478
00:21:37,821 --> 00:21:40,247
I'd be more than happy
to make you tapes.
479
00:21:40,324 --> 00:21:43,042
Really?
You'd do that for me?
480
00:21:43,118 --> 00:21:46,045
You jumped my line
before I could tell you
what I was going to do.
481
00:21:46,121 --> 00:21:47,588
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. Sorry.
482
00:21:47,598 --> 00:21:49,381
Tell you what
I was going to do.
483
00:21:49,458 --> 00:21:51,475
(whining in unison)
MAN: Cut!
484
00:21:56,349 --> 00:21:57,523
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