Original subtitles

(theme music playing)

Look at this, America.

It's Nessa's test scores.

Seems so small, doesn't it?

But Bernie Mac had to work long and hard for this.

Tell 'em, Nessa, how hard you made me work for this.

Tell 'em. Can we just open it now?

No, no. Come on.

America loves my stories, Nessa.

Go ahead and tell 'em.

Tell 'em what happened. They'll love it.

(sighs) Okay, well, I had...

I can't do this!

(clears throat)

Well, I'll tell you, America,

because y'all don't change up on me

like some people around here.

Ooh, Nessa, watch that pot for me right quick, ok?

Oh, and tell your brother to come in for dinner.

Thank you, sweetheart.

(indistinct voices)

Hey, Jordan, come in. It's dinnertime.

JORDAN (annoyed): In a minute!

No, now, Jordan. Uncle Bernie said so.

And I said in a minute!

(hoots and laughter)

Fine. Stay out there.

I'll let Uncle Bernie deal with you.

Did you see that, America?

Basically, Jordan just challenged her authority.

And as far as I was concerned, at the time,

that was Nessa's problem,

along with the problems she was having at her new job.

(clears throat)

I said nonfat double mocha Grande cappuccino

with soy milk, extra cinnamon and nutmeg on the side.

Yes, ma'am. I can taste the fat in it.

Oh, well, look, somehow

you picked up the wrong cup.

You gave me the wrong cup.

You're probably right.

Please accept a fat-free biscotti

and your properly prepared drink as an apology.

Wow, so this is your new laptop. Sweet.

What are you doing? (login sounds)

I'm just going to AOL.

They have a link to Moviefone.

I have to buy some tickets and your computer is way faster than mine.

I'm busy. You won't even know I'm here.

Score!

How do I get to Tarzana?

Ah, MapQuest.

Hey!

I almost had my ticket!

Jordan, I'm busy. Now go use your own computer.

But I'm already here and yours is faster.

I said no. Good-bye.

Fine!

Touch it and I will hurt you.

Did you see it, America?

Jordan gettin' physical.

I never thought I'd see this day.

You remember when the lad first got here.

Pathetic. Some of y'all even sent in money.

America, just take a look at him.

(chuckles) Little bitty...

Hey, you talking about me?

Hey, hey, hey, take it easy.

-BERNIE: I thought me and you had an understanding. -Sorry.

Yeah.

That attitude right there, it's my own fault.

America, let me show you how it all got started.

Weights?

Yeah, you got to be ready.

It won't be long before your sister

come hunting for you for revenge.

Women don't play. I know.

I got two sisters and a wife.

You should have seen her face after I pushed her.

Calm down. Calm down.

I mean, I was just trying

to hold myself back from hurting her, Uncle Bernie.

(chuckles) Well, if that's the case, you won't need these.

You be fine, huh?

I'll hold onto these.

I need an exercise regimen.

In case something jump off.

(growls) Tiger. (growls)

Listen, word's going to get around

about what I did to Vanessa.

But I just want you to know that me and you, we're cool.

As long as you respect the boundaries.

What are you talking about?

Okay, however you want to play it, little sister.

(sighs)

I don't see how they can be this bad.

I studied really hard.

I know, sweetie, but you know what?

These are the PSATs and you can always take these again.

This was my second time.

I'm never going to get into a good college with these scores.

You see how the balance is off now, America?

The boy's talking like he's tough,

and Nessa, who is tough,

is letting these test scores get the best of her.

But my baby Wanda and I, we're a team.

So she came through with a solution.

It's an SAT prep course.

Yeah, they say they guarantee better scores or our money back.

Honey, I didn't say anything about the money back.

Then it's not a guarantee.

(chuckles nervously) You know what?

If you're willing, it's Thursday night.

Of course she's willing.

Thursday at what time?

7:30. Okay.

Hey, Baby Girl, Jordan, come on. Dinnertime!

-Come on. -(gasps) Oh, my.

What the hell is wrong with you?

What? Am I the only one who's hot?

-Uh, yeah. -Boy, get in there

and put a shirt on for dinnertime.

Don't be afraid of the cuts, Uncle Bernie.

What!

(indistinct chatter)

Vanessa! There's an extra shift on Thursday.

Would you like to cover it? This Thursday?

Yeah. It's cool if you're busy.

Well...

What am I thinking? I can use the money.

Of course I'll take it.

Thanks, Vanessa.

You are a really good worker.

No, thank you. I just do my best.

Mmm. Coffee-- I love it!

(scoffs) Coffee.

(door shuts)

Hey, Nessa. Hey, Nessa, how'd it go?

Honey, she didn't get her results yet. Come on.

That's cool, baby, but she know how it felt, though.

How'd it feel?

I didn't go. What?

-Call the police. -Honey, why didn't you go?

Nigel offered me some overtime at work,

so I decided to take a chance

to make some extra money.

But now I won't bother you guys when I need something.

It's not a bother. We want you to take the SAT prep course

-so that you can-- -So there'll be no more extra shifts.

Okay, okay, no more extra shifts.

Thank you.

Weights are cool, but this is a full body burn.

I'm getting my lats and my traps tight.

This little baby is my latest addition.

Well, I'm proud of you, Jordan.

I'm up to ten chin-ups, Uncle Bernie.

How many can you do?

20, maybe 30.

No way. Let me see.

(dubious music playing)

(grunting)

Ten! Phew!

I counted eight.

Go do your homework.

You see that, America?

The boy's smelling himself a little.

Plus, I had some pancakes and I was worried about Nessa.

I didn't know what was going on with the girl.

You saw the worry on my face.

So just turn it a little and then...

What's going on, girls?

Oh, Vanessa's just helping me out.

She's awesome.

Yeah. Vanessa, can I talk to you for a moment?

Sure.

What's up, Nigel?

I've been talking to corporate about you.

Corporate?

Remember Rodney from the Beverly Center?

He just got bumped to Regional Manager.

I'm trying to get over there and give you this store.

But what about Dina? She has seniority.

But you've got the stuff!

And I'm talking $450 a week-- cha-cha!

So you want your name put in the hopper or what? How about it?

Yeah, sure. Thanks, Nigel.

(laughs)

(taps on table) Uh, Jordan?

That's a pretty big piece of chicken.

Yeah, well, I'm a growing boy.

I mean, I need to keep my protein up.

Gotta feed the muscles.

Okay, I understand that, but you know

we usually save the big piece for your Uncle Bernie.

Yeah, well, he's getting pretty old.

I don't even think he could digest all this meat.

Uh-- Mmm-mmm, it smell good up in here.

You outdid it, baby. Muah!

And my favorite, fried chicken.

(instrumental: "The Birdie Song")

You see that look, America?

I mean, the boy acting like

he was just going to do something to me.

He must have just clean lost his doggone mind.

Boy, tell the people where your mind went

right then and there.

Uh, I was just hungry.

Okay, "just hungry."

"Just hungry" almost got you "just hurt."

Maybe I was thinking about our game.

What game?

(snickers)

All right, big man,

so you can do ten pull-ups, huh?

All right, show me what you got.

Okay. Come on, come on, come on!

(back cracks) Oh! Oh! Oh!

Best two out of three?

(funky music playing)

What?

I'm just telling America the story.

25! Exactly.

(phone ringing) Write that down. You knew that.

-Hello? -PSAT LADY (on phone): Mrs. Mac?

This is Wanda Mac.

Is Vanessa dropping the test-prep course?

Oh, no. It must be some mistake.

I knew that she missed the first class,

but I thought she was going to take a make-up.

Well, the make-up day was tonight.

Oh. Okay. Well, did she come at all?

-No, she didn't. -No?

Would you like to reschedule, ma'am?

Let me talk to my husband,

and I'll call you back, okay?

-Thanks for calling. -Ok, bye.

What's wrong, Aunt Wanda?

We might have to bury your sister.

She was right, America.

'Cause I was ready to kill somebody!

Can you see this little vein? Can you see it?

Is the vein popping?

Just thinking about it still makes me want to kill somebody!

I'll kill you dead. Kill you!

I can't believe you, Nessa. (upbeat music playing over headphones)

Nessa, you...

Give me that.

What the heck is wrong with you? You're out there lying.

Got me and your aunt worried to death,

thinking you're someplace that you're not.

You should be happy.

I'm supporting myself.

And, if I keep it up, I'll be making $450 a week.

Girl, I know you got better sense than that.

Plus, I already done told you what's going to make me happy,

and that's you getting better grades,

and you getting accepted into a good college.

But what about what makes me happy?

What about it?

You got plenty of time to think about that.

But, meanwhile, while you living in this house,

it's about what makes me happy.

Yeah, well, when I get my promotion,

I'm moving out of your house,

'cause I'm not going to college.

What?

(old Western dueling music playing)

(rattlesnake)

You heard her. Huh!

She went from lying to being too honest.

America, Bernie Mac's head is spinning right now,

but hold on a sec, because the story gets better.

Let me call her in here, 'cause I still want to know

what she was thinking right then.

Yo, Nessa! VANESSA: What?

It's time now. I'm going to open up your score

to show America what's going on, what you got.

Okay, let's see them.

All right. But before I do that

America and I still want to know

what was going on in your mind

that day you told me that you was going to move out

and you not going to college?

I mean, I'm still in shock.

Help us all out.

(sighs)

Y'all keep watching, you hear?

(Bernie chuckling)

(still chuckling)

Hold on one minute. I want to give you something, Nessa.

What's this?

Um, these are your bills.

What are you talking about?

Well, Nessa, I was figuring.

Since you're all grown up now,

and you're making lots of money,

you can start paying part of your bills.

You know, get a taste of the real world.

You know, carrying your own weight, so to speak.

You still got to pay your own rent. (laughs meanly)

Now tell me you don't want to go to college.

(laughs)

You have a good one.

You're... You're a good one.

She's a good one.

(door closes)

(continues laughing)

(Jean Knight: "Mr. Big Stuff")

♪ Oh yeah ♪

♪ Oh, Mr. Big Stuff ♪

♪ Who do you think you are ♪

♪ Mr. Big Stuff ♪

♪ You're never gonna break my heart ♪

♪ Mr. Big Stuff ♪

♪ You're never gonna make me cry ♪

♪ Mr. Big Stuff, tell me ♪

♪ Just who do you think you are? ♪

♪ Mr. Big Stuff ♪

♪ You're never gonna get my love ♪

♪ Mr. Big Stuff ♪

♪ You're never gonna break my heart, Mr. Big Stuff ♪

BERNIE: Hey, Jordan! Come on, man. Time to come in!

BOY: Perfect shot!

JORDAN: In a minute. BOY: Cool!

You heard him. Right, America?

I mean, the boy lost his rabbit-ass mind.

"In a minute!"

You heard him. "In a minute!"

Y'all got to see this.

He going to square up like straw.

(exasperated chuckling)

(grunting and panting)

Hey, Jordan, man! Didn't you hear me tell you to come in?

I said I'm coming, Uncle Bernie. Just one more shot.

BERNIE: No, no. Wait, wait, wait. Ain't no last shot.

No more shots. When I say come in, come in.

Now, put the ball down and come in.

(ball bounces)

Jordan, don't shoot that ball.

J, I'm telling you, dude, don't shoot that ball.

I pity the fool.

Don't... Run! Let's get out of here!

-Excuse me. Is this the McCullough residence? -Yeah.

Supposed to install a new line and a cable box.

Ain't no cable box here. You got the wrong house.

Uh... no. There's the address.

Box is going to be registered

to Vanessa Tompkins.

No, she ain't here, man. Is she here?

So take your box and your order and get back to your truck, man.

Ain't nobody getting no box up in here!

And I'll deal with you later.

Oh, you believe that.

(woman singing ballad indistinctly)

Nessa. Get your stuff. You're quitting. What?

You quit. We're going home. I ain't got time to play with you.

Let's go, now. Excuse me, sir. Can I help you?

No, you cannot help me. It has nothing to do with you.

Taking my niece, we're going home.

You'll have to hire somebody else.

You can't make me quit.

No, I can't make you quit.

But I can report him for hiring a minor

and letting her work overtime, am I right?

'Cause that is what you're doing. Am I right?

(chuckles) Get your stuff.

Come on. You know, there's no reason for this

to go beyond the two of us.

If you'd like some gift certificates,

call me anytime.

Yeah. Come on.

So you made a little world for yourself, huh, Nessa?

(scoffs) I paid for it, so why not?

Girl, when you going to stop being afraid?

I'm not afraid of anything.

Oh, yes, you are.

You just can't see it like I can.

See, all this stuff here is fear.

See, you want to surround yourself

with all these pretty things to take your mind off the fact

that you're not doing what you need to be doing.

Well, what about this house?

You have nice things.

Are you afraid of something?

Girl, I sure am.

See, I'm afraid I might lose my patience

if you don't lose your tone.

Nessa, you just think about what I just said.

And you know I'm right.

You know I'm right.

That's real nice. Real nice.

Oh, this phone is not people-friendly.

Aunt Wanda? Yeah?

What's so great about college?

(clears throat)

Well, sweetie, college is what you make it.

You know, it's a time to explore some things that you could be,

and to discover some things about yourself you didn't know.

(scoffs) How long have you been rehearsing that answer?

Since you skipped the first prep class.

But, now that I've said that out loud, I can tell you the truth.

College is a place where you can sharpen your mind,

and you can gain skills that can make you, oh,

so unstoppable in this world.

You're already so smart.

That sounds like the first answer.

Yeah.

But I mean it.

Yeah, well, Uncle Bernie thinks I'm afraid of something.

Your uncle's a smart man,

and he said some things

that felt real to you, didn't he?

So you think he's right?

Mm... yeah.

And so do you.

Forgive me, America,

but when your wife drops some pearls of wisdom,

and has your back at the same time,

that's good loving.

Bernie Mac is in a house full of love.

(laughs) Real love.

How you doing, J?

(grunts) Hold on.

Got to get that burn.

You remember, don't you, Uncle Bernie?

Shoot. Think I don't?

You know what else I remember? What?

Playing basketball, baseball and football.

I was really good in those sports.

But what really was my sport you know what that was? What?

Boxing. Here.

You know, J, there come a time

in a man's life when he-- put them on.

Go ahead, put them on.

When a man want to pass down what he knows

to his son or his nephew. You know?

I don't know, Uncle Bernie.

Sure, you know. You been walking around here

like a man, haven't you?

I mean, but doesn't your back still hurt?

No. My back fine.

Come on, stand up.

I'll show you some move.

All right, all right. The first thing you do,

let me see how you stand.

Put your hands up like this.

Keep your head behind the glove, okay?

Kneel down a little bit, okay?

(creak of camera turning)

All right! (punching noise)

JORDAN: Ow! (gasping)

Man, your defense is weak, dude. Real weak.

I'll have to show you some moves. (gasping)

What?

(gasping) I'm cool, Uncle Bernie.

So that's how I restored balance, America.

The boy's growing up, but he knows his place.

And Nessa?

Well, let's see.

Come on in, Nessa.

I'm gonna open them up now.

For real this time?

Are you still afraid?

(laughs) Yeah, I am.

But...?

But I'm not going to let that stop me.

All right.

Here.

(breathes deeply)

(piano playing)

SINGER: ♪ Oh, I feel better now ♪

Excuse us, America.

Nessa feels a little vulnerable right now.

Cut the camera off.

♪ That we've sat down and talked things over ♪

I'm... I'm really... I'm proud.

♪ And the worried feeling... ♪

What the...? This is some bull.

(laughter)

Y'all some dirty moles. Y'all some dirty moles.

(all laughing)

Yeah. Right on. Right on. Right on.

(all laughing)

All right, all right.

My mind's been wandering, all right?

You said Patty want one more.

I said, "What the heck Patty want one more for?"

Captioned by Visual Data