All language subtitles for The.Bernie.Mac.Show.S05E19.Its.Never.as.Bad.as.the.First.Time.1080p.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-squalor_track3_[eng]

(theme music playing)

(indistinct chatter)

(slow music playing
over car stereo)

(car brakes)

Hey, don't drag your clothes
on the ground, baby.

(door opens)
Where your brother
Jordan at?

(sighs)

He's with his girlfriend.

His girlfriend?
Jordan?

Well, no matter
what kind of nerd
she is,

don't make fun
of her, okay?

(sighs)

Hey, look, look,
look, look.

No, you first.

(gasps)

You see that, America?

My boy, Jordan,
gone and pulled himself
a cheerleader.

Fine, too.
(chuckles)

Boy's a Mac after all.

Go on, player, player.

Okay,
I think it's ready.

Well, stick a fork
in it. Let's see.

(phone ringing)
Mmm.

I got it.
(phone ringing)

Okay.

Hello.

-ERICA (over phone):
Hey, Jordan.
-Hey, yourself.

ERICA (over phone):
I just got home,
and called

to see what you're doing.

So what you doing?

(scoffs)
I know he's not
talking to a girl.

Well, I wouldn't be
too sure about that.

You see how he almost
knocked me over?

Sure about what?

Jordan. We think he's entered
the girlfriend phase.

Too late, I seen her.

Where?
Is she goofy?

Oh, my goodness,
is she really?

No, the girl's name is Erica.
She's a cheerleader.

Shut up.
True.

Quit playing, Uncle Bernie.
Is she really a cheerleader?

Wait, what's
her name again?
She's ugly, right?

You know
what's happening here, America?

These two women been
the main women in Jordan's life.

But as soon as this man
get a woman of his own,
(chuckles)

they starting hating, yeah.
(chuckles)

But I don't know why women...
why y'all do that?

Anyway, I'm here, right here.

And I'm going to protect my man
from all this hating.

Hell, yeah.

Wrong. The boy's a Mac,

and pretty comes
with the territory.

Right, baby? Mwah.

(relaxing music playing)

WOMAN:
Good. That's good.

Breathing.
(loud exhale)

Through the nose.

(groaning)

Ow. Ow. Ah.

I'm ready,
Aunt Wanda.
Let's go.

Ooh! Ah. Bryana...

Honey, I thought I asked
not to be disturbed.

I just started
my yoga classes again,

and... plus,
you don't need to be there
for another two hours.

That's when I played peewee.

They moved me up to junior now.

That's wonderful.

Um...

Give me a second.

Bernie!

Pss!
You see that, America?

Huh? Wanda trying
to drop her mess in my lap.

Well, let me
tell you something.

The thing is,
when you keep it moving,

you don't even have a lap.

Nope, nope, sorry,
sweetheart, no can do.

I just got enough time
to drop Jordan off

to that mascot thing
he's got going at school.

You know, he became
the school mascot,

so he could be close
to Erica.

That boy's
smooth, smooth.

Honey, you know how hard
it was for me to book Kai.

If I change the schedule,
I'll go back
on the waiting list.

Sorry, no can do.

Hey, Jordan,
come on, playboy!

Let's roll, baby!
But... (sighs)

(loud bang)

(chuckles)

(sighs)

Kai, sorry.

You know, I'm going
to need to...

Aunt Wanda...
Uh?

um, I know you lent me
money just a few days ago,

but my gas tank
is on "E" again.

So I was wondering
if you could lend me

a few dollars
in advance?
(chuckles)

And... I know
that you said...

Sure, Vanessa.

Really?

I'll help you out

because we're gonna
help out each other.

Now I need you to take Bryana
to soccer practice.

She's going to be
hungry afterwards.

But--But I was supposed
to meet my friends, and...

Come on, Bryana,
we don't want you
to miss your soccer game.

Be careful. Have fun.

CHEERLEADERS:
One, two, three, four...

One, two, three, four...

One, two, three, four...

Go, Damien!

Whoo!

America, I bet Jordan is up

at that school right now

working some
of that old Mac magic, yes, sir.

Hey, don't be mad at me
for being this doggone happy,

'cause I worry about the boy.

See, my generation,

we couldn't help but be smooth,

with cats like Marvin, Smokey
and Curtis setting the mood.

Nowadays,
it's getting kind of iffy,

you know
what I'm saying, son?
(chuckles)

But I'm just glad
there's enough smooth left

to trickle down to my nephew.

Thank you, Lord.

Don't hurt 'em, Jordan.

Only use your power
for the good, baby.

Whoo!
♪ Oh...♪

Babe, I got all the hits.

(dog barking in the distance)

(indistinct chatter)

Hey.
Oh, Jordan.

Sorry I didn't call you
this morning, but my aunt
was on the phone.

(whistle blows)

(soft giggling)

(sad music playing)

Is something wrong?
GIRL: Duh.

Only that she quit you
like two whole hours ago.

I left a note by your locker.

(whistle blows)

(lockers being shut,
indistinct chatter)

It's all a misunderstanding.
I mean, it has to be.

What misunderstanding,
dude? She dumped you.

No, somebody
put her up to this.

I mean, I know she's
still feeling me. Listen.

"Dear Jordan. I don't want
to be your girlfriend
anymore. Erica"?

"Dear Jordan"?

I mean, come on.

Read between the lines.

Let it go, man.

No, no.
Me and Erica,

we--we just need
to talk, that's all.

We just need to talk.

SINGER:
♪ Tell me why is it so? ♪

WOMAN: Thank you. Next?
Can I help you?

Look, you better
not embarrass me in here.

-When are we going to eat?
-Don't stress, I got
some chips in my purse.

Hey.
GIRLS: Hey.

Hey, Munchkin.
My name's Bryana.

Oh, my bad.

Ain't no munchkins
out here,

right, Bryana?

He's back.
Check him out, V.

To your left,
nice and slow,
though.

SINGER:
♪ Are you looking ♪

♪ For a number ♪

♪ I just want... ♪

Whoa.

Right?
Go talk to him.

Uh-uh. You.
As if.
(scoffs)

Hey, you sound hella Valley
for a black girl.

What's up with that?
Oh. My bad.

Look, homeboy is fine.

Is that "Shaniqua"
enough for you?

Like, totally.
(girls giggling)

(scoffs)
You both need to quit.

SINGER:
♪ I drown my love for you ♪

Going somewhere?
What is she doing?

GIRL: Something
we were all afraid to do.

Your little sis
has game, Vanessa.

Hella game.
Oh, my God.

♪ Drown myself in you
I want you ♪

Someone over here
wants to know the difference

between a caramel latte
and a mocha Frappuccino?

(nervous giggles)

(song goes on, indistinct)

Uh, hold on, Carl.
I think I hear him.

Hey, Jordan!
Come here, right quick!

Carl, I'm telling you
she's a cheerleader.

And fine, too, man.
CARL (over phone):
Yeah, yeah, boy...

Man, I'm telling you,
the boy is a Mac
to his heart, dude.

He's better than me and you.

I-I know we thought
he was gonna be a punk.

I know we did.
We both, we wrong for that.

Hold on, hold on. Jordan,
tell your Uncle Carl
about your broad.

Hi, Uncle Carl.
CARL (over phone):
Girlfriend, huh?

Yes, it's true.
Her name's Erica.

What's she look like?
Well, you know.

Yeah, she's cute enough.
What? Give me that.
Cute enough?

Carl,
she's the best-looking girl
in the whole doggone school.

I'm telling you,
the boy is a Mac.

He's taking the Mac game
to a whole different level.

He's taking it up
to the 21st century.

(groaning)
Aw.

Ain't no way.
You prouder than me?

(dog barking in the distance)

(Gloria Gaynor:
"Never Can Say Goodbye" playing)

♪ Never can say goodbye ♪

♪ No, no, no, no, I... ♪

♪ Never can say goodbye ♪
(phone beeping, ringing)

ERICA (on voicemail):
Hi, this is Erica.
Leave me something.

Hey, Erica, this is Jordan.
We need to talk.
Okay, call me. Bye.

♪ Though I try,
try to hide my feelings,
they always seem to show ♪

♪ Then you try to say
you're leaving me ♪
(phone beeping)

♪ and I always... ♪
(phone ringing)

ERICA (on voicemail):
Hi, this is Erica.
Leave me something.

Oh, in case you forgot,
the number is 818-555-0125.

Okay, this is Jordan. Bye.

♪ Never can say goodbye ♪

♪ No, no, no, no, I... ♪

♪ Never can say goodbye ♪

♪ Every time I think
I've had enough ♪
JORDAN: Psst!

(mouthing soundlessly)
♪ I start heading
for the door ♪

♪ There's a very
strange vibration ♪

♪ A-piercing me
right to the core ♪

(machine beeping)
♪ It says,
"Turn around, you fool" ♪

JORDAN:
Hey, Erica, it's Jordan.

I know you've been really busy,

but we still need
to have that talk.

Call me.

Please.
(puts the phone down)

(machine beeping)
♪ Don't wanna let you go ♪

(phone ringing)
♪ I never can say goodbye ♪

-♪ Never can say goodbye ♪
-♪ Ooh baby ♪

(phone ringing)

(phone ringing)
Hello. Erica?

BERNIE (over phone):
Guess again, player.

Tell your Aunt Wanda
they're out of Chunky Monkey.

She's just going
to have to be happy
with whatever I bring.

Okay.
(phone beeps)

(groaning)

America, that boy
and his little cheerleader girl,

I'm going to have to put in
another line just for them.

(chuckling)

(phone beeping)

(busy signal buzzing)
See?

(busy signal buzzing)
(chuckles)

(crickets singing
and dogs barking
in the distance)

(sighing)

(phone beeping)

(phone ringing)
MAN (over phone):
Hello? Hello?

Is this that young man
that's been callin' Erica?
(gasps)

Let me tell you something,
little boy.

Don't call this house
no more. All right?

How many times
she got to tell you
not to call her?

So are they cool
enough yet?

Well, let's see.
Put a little icing on one.

All I know is
my name better be
on one of them cupcakes.

WANDA:
Actually, when we're done,
it's going to spell "Erica."

Ooh, look at that.
E-R-I-C-A.

Ooh, my name be
on that extra one right...

No, no, no, no, no.
That's where the heart goes.

Oh, you Mac-adocious
little rascal.

Put her name
on a cupcake.

You know,
a flower would have
sealed that deal, too.

Honey.
I'm just saying, baby.

The boy's good.
He's good.

Shoot, putting a heart
on the cupcake.

Shoot, that's a notch
on the bed frame.

What?
He don't even know
we're here.

But I'm here.

I'm just saying,
look here, baby.

Don't pay Wanda no mind.

This is a guy thing.

She wouldn't understand it.

(chatter)

GIRL (scoffs):
Here comes you-know-who.

Erica, hi.

I made these for you.

Jordan, I can't.

(sighs)
I know you've been
really, really busy--

too busy to call me
back or anything,

but...
That's not why,
Jordan.

I haven't called
because there's nothing
left to say.

You never know,
Erica. I mean,
you just said that.

It's over.

We're over.
I moved on.

Moved on?
What do you mean,
moved on?

She means she goes
with Jason now.

Oh...

I-I still
want you to have these.

Bye, Jordan.

Bye.

(chuckling)

Wow, Erica, these are some
really good cupcakes.

Did you see that, America?

Did you?

Hussy.

(doleful music playing)

Hey, Uncle Bernie.

(horn hooting)

Hey, man.

There's only one way
to tell you this,
and that's straight.

(sighs)
Your broad, man,
she's two-timing on you.

What?

Man, look.

(groaning)
Chillax, man.

Come on. Breathe, breathe.

Breathe.
(gasps)

Can't have you going off,
making no scene
out here, man.

You cool?
Yeah, I'm cool,
I'm cool, Uncle Bernie.

I hated to be the one
that had to tell you, man.

Now, I know how you feel,
being a Mac.

I know you feel like you
want to go over there.

'Cause he could be
dealt with!

No, no,
Uncle Bernie. No.

We should
just drive away fast.

That'll be better.

Okay.
(whirring
of window going up)

Skank.
(whimpers)

(car door closes,
horn hooting in the distance)

(romantic song playing
indistinctly)

Look.

(laughs)

Bryana, you're ill.

Oh, look, look. This is
how they crump off that.

SINGER:
♪ Niggas actin' up ♪

Ooh.

♪ Ice cool, me ♪

(laughing)

♪ Like I wanna pop it off ♪

(men laughing)
That's how it's supposed
to go down, right there.

I know that's right.
That's it.

Man, I'm telling you.
Yeah?

(clears throat)
Oh, your uncle told us
about your girl, man.

That was a cold shot, bro.
(chuckles)

That's why
you've got to dump her,
hard.

No, no, he doesn't, man.

Hey, man, you got to do it
with class, Jordan, all right?

Think Cary Grant.

Who?
JON: Exactly.
Cary Grant?

You got to dump her hard.
50 Cent hard.

CHUY: Look, hard, classy,
sweet, stank, who cares?

The important thing
is that you show her no fear.

Can you promise me that?
Look at me.

Yeah, but...
(sighs)

See, I thought getting Jordan
together with the fellas

would help him
with some male bonding,
you know?

But these fools
sound like doggone fools.

"50 Cent hard"?

It's time for the Mac-man
to do some damage control.

Look here, son.
The most important thing is
that you mean what you say.

The girl got to know
that you mean what you say.

And you do mean
what you say, right?

It's over.
Oh, it's over, trust me.

That's what
I'm talking about, boy!

(laughing)

Man, we pulled up, uh, I mean,
we sitting there talking.

And she's sitting
up there, man, bustin' slob.

What?
Yeah. Skank.
I'm sitting up there

and this trollop
bust a slob on my nephew.

That's cold.
Pss! Ain't gonna happen.

Hey, Uncle Bernie.
Hey, girls.

Uncle Bernie, Uncle Bernie,
Uncle Bernie, Uncle Bernie!

You're just in time.
I'm getting ready
to put all this food up.

But no worries.
I could heat you
something up right away.

Like, I'm totally full.

Yeah, we already ate.

But I bet you ate
a bunch of junk.

-Can you please
stand still?
-Like, I'm sorry, okay?

It's not okay. Give me that.
What are you drinking? Stop it!

Coffee.

Oh, hey,
how was soccer?

Eh.

Oh, she full of energy.
Ooh, thanks.

This girl bouncing around
like some kind of hop head.

And Wanda acting
like it's all good.

Well, America,
it ain't all good.

I'm so worried about the boy,
this almost got past me.

You know, America,
sometime, I think

I'm the only one around here
with good sense.

Wanda, I don't know
if this Nessa-Baby Girl thing

is going to work out.
I just don't know.

Well, honey, I admit
there's some kinks
that we need to work out.

Kinks? You saw
how jacked up
she was.

She damn near popped
out of her seat.
You saw her.

Come on.
That ain't no kinks.
That's a problem.

Well, I've already
told Vanessa
no coffee next time.

She shouldn't even be
under Nessa,
that's my point.

You know?
Drinking drinks
she can't even pronounce.

Talking crazy.
Looking all trashy.

I really think you should
start taking her back
to the games.

Well, not if I get road rage
'cause I don't have yoga
to keep me calm.

Sweetheart, I know how much
this yoga means to you.

My sanity.
(sighs)

Honey...

I'm willing
to do everything
to make this work.

But...
Every... thing.

Is that right?
Oh, you know how we do.

(thumping)
Wait, hold on.

Who's that bouncing
a ball up in my house?

I don't hear nothing.
Uh-uh.

BRYANA:
Sorry!

Go to bed!

I can't sleep!

See what
I'm talking about?

It's coffee.

I had some coffee, too.

(knocking)

Hey, Jordan.

How'd it go, man?
You all right?
How'd what go?

You know, that Erica girl,
kicking her to the curb.

Oh, it's done.
It's taken care of.

Just like that?

Yeah, I mean,
why drag it on?

Wow, Jordan.

You're stronger
than I thought, dude.

Player, man,
you're way stronger than I was
when I was your age.

-Really?
-Yeah. To go through
what you went through?

It's not that bad.

Not that bad?
To see your broad
hugged up with another dude?

It's no big deal.

You too cold.
No big deal?

Here it is, your broad,
all hugged up
with another dude.

They wrapped up, man.
Kee-keein', laughing...
(mimics girl laughing)

touching and feeling,
damn near kissing,

look-looking
like you wasn't
even there. Mm.

Then all of a sudden,
new dude going to take
a big bite of your cupcake.

The cupcake
that you baked

and nourished from scratch
with your bare hands, man.

Right where you put
the heart, he's going
to get the cupcake...

(makes chomping noise)
bite in the middle of it
and give her a little bit.

(sobbing, crying)

Uncle Bernie!

Uncle Bernie, she dumped me!
She dumped me!

I mean, I'm not a Mac.
I'm a fool!

I never loved anyone
as much as I loved her,
Uncle Bernie!

(sniffing)

(continues sobbing)
Erica!

Hold me,
Uncle Bernie! Oh...

(crying loudly)

(sobbing continues)
Wow.

(sighs)

I'm sorry I cried
like that, Uncle Bernie.

Oh, that's all right.
Everyone cries sometime.

In fact, that's
what I wanted to show you.

I want to show you the girl that
made me cry.

Or did you think you're
the only one ever got dumped?

Wait, you got dumped?

You wanna
see the picture or not?

Yeah.
Right there.

Idabelle Goins.
(chuckles)

Uncle Bernie,
there's no girl
in that picture.

Look, look, boy.
Right there.

Ugh! Uncle Bernie,
you got dumped by that?

She's a troll.

You watch your mouth.

Back then,
we didn't call them
that.

Good ol' boogabears.

She was built.
My first.

She had a funny way
she used to do her mouth,
you know, and...

The boy's hurting, America.

That little crack of a smile
is as good as it's going
to get for right now.

Oh, you remember
getting your heart broken.
I do.

I had to listen to this
for a good two years

before I felt better,

and every now and then...

(voice breaking)
It still get to me.

(slow music playing)
SINGER: ♪ Oh... ♪

-♪ Oh... ♪
-♪ Oh... ♪

-♪ I miss you, baby ♪
-♪ Miss you miss you ♪

I better have my...

♪ Miss you miss you miss you ♪

(calm music playing)

And then turn
the right knee out.

Ooh, mm.

Good. Turn it out.
Okay.

Keep your torso
straight up and down.
Yeah.

And then straighten
the right leg.
Okay.

And reach out
to the right.
(loudly exhales)

Ooh.
(chuckles)

Should I be feeling that
up in here?
(chuckles)

Turn the top
of your leg out.
That's it.

(rap music playing)
What? And breathe?
Okay, great.

Uh... who that?
♪ Work that thing
booty pop tight ♪

♪ Do that jerk-back thing ♪

♪ I wanna hurt that thing ♪

♪ Let me see
you cha-cha, mama ♪

♪ Let me see
that onion-dropper ♪

♪ Drop it down here
in my lap, work it, baby
make it go splat ♪

(rapping on window)
♪ Let me see
you cha-cha, mama ♪

♪ Let me see
that onion-dropper ♪

♪ Drop it
down here in my lap ♪

(mouthing)
♪ Work it, baby,
make it go splat ♪

Come on.

Ready?

Here's your gas money.

Let's go.
That's okay,
Vanessa.

Why don't you go
with your friends?
I'll take her.

For real?
Mm-hmm.

-Suit yourself.
-Come on, little mama.

Why don't you catch me up
on all that I missed?

What's been going on?
That little fat girl
treating you okay?

Well, America, things
are starting to get
back to normal around here.

Wanda's back
in Baby Girl's life.

She saw that Nessa thing
wasn't working. I told her.

Now Jordan
and his broken heart,

that might take
a little more time.

Maybe a couple years.

But sooner or later,
he'll be all right.

I hope.

(whimpers)

(indistinct chatter)

(romantic music playing)

You dropped this.
Thanks.

(small laugh)

Someone over here wants
to know the difference

between a caramel
Frappuccino and a mocha...

(girls laugh)
(laughs)
I'm sorry.

I messed up
the whole line.
MAN: That's a good one.

♪ Get on me,
let me see somethin' ♪

♪ Bring it up,
get it on... ♪

♪ You'll see somethin' ♪

(funky dance music playing)

(girls laughing)

MAN: Okay, cut.

Captioned by Visual Data