Original subtitles

(theme music playing)

Hey, America, let me talk to y'all for a minute.

Oh. We're about to be interrupted,

because in about five seconds,

Jordan's going to come home from school and yell...

JORDAN: Hey, Uncle Bernie, do we have anything to eat in here?

But I ain't going to answer him because...

Never mind! I got it!

See, my point is, America,

Bernie Mac knows what's going on in his house.

(chuckles)

(both laughing)

Hey, honey, guess who's going to the senior prom.

How can a junior go to the senior prom?

I can go with one of the seniors who asked me.

Seniors? Plural?

Then hail to the no's.

Can they tell how young you are, Nessa?

You ain't going on no doggone senior prom.

Those boys on the prom night don't want but one thing.

Come on, honey. Look, the prom is a high school girl's time to be a princess.

Don't take that from her.

I ain't trying to take nothing.

I'm trying to help the girl keep it.

Come on, that didn't happen to me on my prom.

Woman, you went to a school with "Academy" in the name.

These boys today got game, and I don't trust them.

Well, when are you going to trust me?

America, I know Nessa,

and I know she's not out there like that,

but you have to understand,

it's my job to stay in her business,

and, more importantly,

to make sure she knows I'm staying in her business.

See, when a father has a boy,

he only has one penis to worry about,

but when he has a girl,

he has everybody's penis to worry about.

See, it's part of my job.

All right, Nessa, you can go on the prom,

only if I can meet all the boys.

Why, so you can pry like you always do?

If they ain't got nothing to hide,

ain't nothing to worry about.

Trust me.

Okay.

WANDA: All right, easy, easy.

Take it to the couch.

Wanda, wha--what happened?

Oh, honey, it's just a sprain.

But you know what the good news is?

She is MVP of the league championship.

Easy, easy. Hey, there. Yeah, I scored three goals.

Three goals. Wow.

Would you look at that? MVP.

Shoot, girl, you're almost as bad

as that, uh... black guy they put on that pro soccer team.

What's his name? Uh... baby, the dude with the socks.

I don't know.

Hmm. You okay, baby?

You know what? They said it's just her ankle.

She just has to stay off of it for a while.

Hmm.

Hey, those are mine.

Boy, show some respect for the MVP.

Better yet, go in the kitchen and make yourself useful.

Bring back a soda, whatever else you can find.

Hurry up! (growls)

So, Derrick,

have you stopped trying to have sex with my niece?

Enjoy the prom, Vanessa.

(chuckles) One down. Who's next?

See? I told you he'd mess everything up.

Now no one's going to want to take me.

(sighs) Come on, honey.

You're supposed to meet the boys, not scare them off.

Baby, it's survival of the fittest,

me and nature helping her choose.

Honey, this is Vanessa's decision to make, okay?

We want her to have some choices left.

So crazy it down a notch.

Hello, Mr. Mac.

Tyrone.

But I go by Lem-n-Lym in the industry.

Is that right? Yeah.

On the turntables.

Yeah.

So, so, Lem-n-Lym,

you the kind of cat that got all the kids

squirming on the dance floor, right?

(chuckling) Mr. Mac, you are the funniest brother in Hollywood.

Everything you say is hilarious.

Is that right?

Is teen pregnancy funny?

(laughing) (claps)

Look here, man, I ain't trying to be funny,

I'm trying to make a point, man.

(laughing)

(claps)

Yo, that's the face!

You're doing the face. Hold on, wait. Classic.

(imitating Mac) Who you with?

(laughing)

Woo!

America, this boy has no natural fear,

and Wanda tied my hands so I couldn't put it in him.

You can't trust somebody who doesn't know when to be afraid.

TYRONE (in distance): Who you with?

(laughing)

And I ain't that funny. Woo!

Jason, let me go through the restrictions on anyone who wants

to take my niece to the prom.

The two of them could never be alone,

not in a room, not in the car,

not at the prom,

not after the prom,

not here, not there, not anywhere.

That's not a problem, Mr. Mac.

I keep pretty strict dating rules myself.

Uh, for instance, I won't go into a girl's house if her parents aren't home.

I believe in hands-free kissing, and I only date in groups.

What's the catch? I'm a Christian.

(music sounds) ♪ Hallelujah ♪

I know a lot of people say that,

but it's important for me to walk the walk.

So that means you're a...

No, no, no, no, no, I'm a Democrat.

No, fool. I mean, you a...

Oh, uh, yeah, a practicing one.

Forget about scaring them off.

I actually want this one to stay.

But I can't let Nessa know I like him,

or she'll pick Tyrone just to spite me.

No, no. I got to play this from the sidelines

and make sure Jason's the one she picks.

Have you chose a prom date yet?

No. But if you must know, I'm leaning towards Tyrone.

(grunts)

What was that?

Nothing, just that's a pretty dress right there.

Hmm. I like the other one better.

She's leaning towards Tyrone.

Well, the Mac Man got to make sure she leans toward Jason.

(opening door) VANESSA: Tyrone!

(hip-hop music playing)

Told you.

(bass music blasting) ♪ Will you go to the prom ♪

♪ Will you go go ♪

♪ Will you go to will you go to ♪

♪ The prom with me ♪

♪ Will you go go ♪

♪ Will you go to the prom ♪

You are so going to the prom with Tyrone.

I hate you. This is so The O.C.

(all giggling)

America, I sold Tyrone short.

That boy got smooth in his DNA.

Now I trust him even less.

I know he's the frontrunner,

but, see, I need to put Jason on top.

America, let's just hope I'm not too late.

It's from Daddy.

"Princess, this is the hottest toy out,

but I spared no expense for you.

Get well and merry Christmas and happy birthday"?

What's a Robosapien?

Only the coolest biomorph robot ever.

It uses artificial intelligence developed by NASA.

(whirring)

(burps)

Oh, he can do so much more than that.

Look. Like a real martial arts move.

Watch.

Ha-ha!

I'll call him...

Roboburp.

(burps)

(laughing)

You don't appreciate him.

Give it. Give it back!

Give it. No! It's mine!

-Hey, no! -Hey, hey, hey.

Let go, let go. Let go. Come on.

You should be ashamed of yourself fighting your sister

while she's hurt. Come on, we're supposed to take care of her until she gets better.

Now behave, okay?

(burps)

Cosby was right about you people and your low expectations.

Shut up and get me another soda.

(growls)

(burps)

Look, I'm pulling for you, boy,

but you falling so behind in this race, man,

Nessa's going to have to call you like last week just to tell you no.

Don't worry, Mr. Mac.

My game's pretty tight. Is that right?

Show me what you're working with. Okay.

First, I make sure the girl sees me as a friend.

Then I go in and... Wait, wait, wait.

Don't, don't tell me.

You going to come to her like her brother.

Yeah, how'd you know?

Son, if you do that, the next thing you know,

she going to be coming to you for advice,

asking about the guy she really like.

Not again. Yeah. Again.

Look. Luckily, I'm your ace in the hole. I can help you get Nessa.

I can tell you what she like and what she don't like,

and I can especially tell you what makes her mad.

I'll help you get this girl, man.

All you need is a little coaching.

I don't know. That sounds like cheating.

No more cheating than when God helped David beat Goliath.

When God helped the White Sox win the Series.

I don't think he helped them.

Hey, hey, yes, he did.

Hey, Vanessa.

You know, since I spin,

I got all the jams.

You should come by and, uh...

dig through my crate some time.

Thanks. I'll think about it.

♪ You never know, I might just be ♪

♪ The one, the one, the one ♪

India Arie? I love her.

Especially that last album.

Oh, yeah, the one about relationships? Ripped it.

Most people think it's about relationships,

but... if you really listen,

it's about knowing yourself first.

Exactly.

(India Arie singing indistinctly)

(cheering and applause)

(India Arie: "The One" playing)

♪ I've got this feeling ♪

♪ That I need to express ♪

♪ Letting it out so you don't have to guess ♪

♪ I'm making myself vulnerable ♪

♪ but you keep holding back so scared to let go ♪

I know exactly who I'm going to the prom with.

Hey, now we can double date with you and Tyrone.

Actually, I decided to go with Jason.

He seems to care about me more,

and Tyrone just cared about the prom.

You know what I mean?

Yeah. Typical.

Hey, you think I can...?

I already told him to call you.

(laughs)

(doorbell rings)

Oh, Jason! Wazzup, baby?

Man, congratulations.

I just heard the news, man.

You and Nessa, I want you all to enjoy yourself on the prom.

Actually, Mr. Mac, it's not that simple.

Since my parents heard Vanessa wants to go with me,

they want to meet... They want to meet Nessa.

I'll be dog... No, they want to meet you.

What the hell they want to meet me for?

Well, they're suspicious of... Hollywood families,

and they only know you from your movies,

like Player's Club,

How to Be a Player,

Bad Santa.

Wow...

Yeah, I see your point.

Well, what about Ocean's Eleven? They like that one?

The one where you're part of a gang of thieves?

Nah, they don't want to see that one.

Ocean's Twelve? Now, that's a better one.

The one where you're part of an international gang of thieves.

Sweet Jesus...

Damn.

Don't worry, Mr. Mac. This time I'll coach you.

Damn.

So, um, what denomination are you?

Sir, we are Methodist. I mean, uh...

I'm a Jehovah... Nah, that's my auntie, she's a Jehovah's Witness.

Uh... Cath...

No. Baptist.

First Baptist.

What's today's date? Uh...

When you ask that question, exactly what do you mean?

I think that, um... she was baptized, um, uh...

(The Oak Ridge Boys: "Standing In The Need Of Prayer" playing)

♪ Standing in the need of prayer ♪

No, that's when she got her shots.

(chuckles nervously) When she...

Yes? Yes? Mr. Mac? Uh, I thought you might need this.

Oh, thank you, son. That's a good boy. He's a real good boy.

♪ It's me, oh, Lord standing in the need of prayer ♪

Uh, and... and Matthew 6:33

sums up the philosophy in which we were discussing this evening.

♪ But it's me, oh, Lord ♪

He's right.

America, it's Nessa's prom night.

but I'm just as excited as she is because my plan worked.

She chose Jason,

and that means I won't spend all night worrying about

what they're up to. Nope, not tonight.

I'm just as relaxed as a father of an ugly, fat girl.

All right, kids, let me hear you say "mac and cheese".

Vanessa, over here. Come on, look this way.

One more time over here. One more. All right, one more time

over here, over here, over here. (car horn honks)

That's Donna and Tyrone with the limo.

Let's go. Hey, hey, wait, wait, wait.

I want you all to have a great time, okay?

Remember what I told you.

"What would Jesus do?"

Finally.

I couldn't see the TV.

Jordan, my pillow's too cold.

It's hurting my sprained foot.

Did you hurt your foot

or your ankle?

Uncle Bernie!

That better?

(chuckling)

Boy, it sure brings back memories, America.

Look at... uh-oh! Uh-oh!

I was fly, wasn't I, America?

Let me tell y'all something about the Mac man.

You talk about running game on the ladies?

See, I used to find out all about the girl I wanted to... you know.

See, I learned what she liked, what she didn't like,

her hobbies, you name it.

Come to think of it, that's the same doggone thing

I told Jason about Nessa.

But I'm tripping.

Yeah, America, with Jason,

he's a totally different boy than I was.

Wait a minute.

You know, just speed it up a little bit and loop it for me.

Shoot, he's still a boy.

He's still a boy.

Lord...

America, I gave him the keys to Nessa's kingdom.

She don't stand a chance. Will you look... look at this!

Look...!

(whimpering)

(crying) He gonna get it. He gonna get...

(sighs)

Wanda...

I just... baby, I got a funny feeling

about this Jason fella, you know?

What if this Jesus stuff is just a front?

Wouldn't be the first or last time it worked.

You know what they say about preacher's kids.

What has gotten into you?

Up until now, you were rooting for this girl to go out with this boy.

Now all of a sudden, you don't trust him.

This ain't the first time I changed my mind about somebody.

You know I don't like people.

(tuts) Everything's gonna be okay.

They're just gonna dance,

drink a little punch,

and then they're going to come home.

Yeah, you're right.

Okay?

You're right.

Oh, wow.

Mm.

You see this?

Oh, that's in the Bible?

And look at this part here talking about her breasts

and plucking of her garden. It's highlighted.

Mm-hmm.

(murmuring)

(slow music playing)

Maybe we should stop.

Yeah, we'd better.

Unless you want to get married tonight.

(chuckles)

Honey, wait.

I thought we were taking a drive to clear your head.

Once my head got clear, I remember where I was going.

Okay, what are you planning on doing?

I'm just going to take a peek inside, make sure everybody's where they're supposed to be.

Come on.

What if she sees you?

Don't worry, I'll be real smooth.

Real smooth.

Baby? What?

Ain't this their limo?

(hip-hop music playing coming from the car)

That's the license plate.

I told you. I told you.

Open up! Separate!

Open up!

I'll be... Where's Nessa?

I don't know. The limo was empty when we came out.

Y'all get out of here.

Get out right now. Out.

(sighs) Glad you came when you did.

She was trying to put a full-court press on a brother.

Man, get out of here. Get out.

SINGER: ♪ Tell me what you want ♪

There's Vanessa over there.

See, honey, I told you there was nothing to worry about.

Doggone. Wanda, you were right.

Look at him, hand above the waist,

just enough for some light to get between them.

I just had to see for myself, though.

Look at her, she looks beautiful.

Doesn't she?

♪ Just fades away ♪

Will there be anything else?

(burps)

What about you, Roboburp?

(burps)

No, we're good.

Dismissed. Very well then.

But there is another feature on the Robosapien that you may find interesting.

I got suspicious when I saw you were elevating the wrong ankle.

Are you going to tell Aunt Wanda and Uncle Bernie?

That's up to you.

What do you want?

A burger.

But this time

with a better attitude,

no sauce on either.

(funky dance music playing)

I had a great time.

Me, too. Thanks.

(indistinct chatter)

Oh, no, he didn't.

(knocking) Open up.

I can't believe you're spying on me.

Um...

(clears throat)

You forgot your Bible.

We were just reading 103 Psalms.

Praise Him.

BERNIE: Come here, Nessa. Sit down for a minute, please.

(exhales)

Nessa, I know you're upset with me,

and that's okay.

I know I embarrassed you in front of all your friends.

And I'm sorry about that.

But I'm not sorry about being concerned for your well-being.

You see, you're not the first 17-year-old I had to look after.

I had to look after your mother.

Unfortunately, I didn't watch her close enough.

And I'm not going to slip up on my job this time.

Don't you think I learned a lot from what happened to my mom, too?

When are you going to trust me to make my own decisions?

Nessa, I trust you.

Just don't expect me to always act like it.

Like I don't expect you to do what I always ask you to do.

That's who we are.

And that's who we're always gonna be.

(slow music playing)

SINGER: ♪ Beautiful show ♪

Oh, and... you should've told Jason

to listen to some Floetry.

I like them more than India Arie now.

How did you know I was talking to Jason?

I know you. That you do.

♪ That brings true love to me now ♪

Did he try to kiss you?

America, I'm always going to stay

in Nessa's business.

And like I said before, that's my job.

♪ All I treasure ♪

(hushed) But between me and you...

it's good to know that if I'm late for work every now and then,

she'll still be fine.

That's right: I said it!

that, uh, um... God so loved the world

that he gave His only begotten Son

that whosoever believe in Him shall not perish,

but have everlasting life.

That's John 3:16.

It also say in Deuteronomy, uh...

Better yet, I can smoke a cigarette if I...

If I smoked, I would smoke a cigarette.

Captioned by Visual Data