Original subtitles

(theme music playing)

Hey, people!

Royal Burger's in the house!

Oh, hey, hey, I got dibs

on the bacon king cheeseburger. All right.

Okay, hold on. Sit down, princess. I'll take the fries.

I want to thank you for making dinner tonight.

(chuckles) That was just my way of saying I love you.

Mm. (inhales)

And I have, uh...

I have to go away on business tomorrow for a week.

Oh, Wanda, come on, not this week.

I got reshoots to do for the movie.

Honey, I know the timing is bad, but...

Wha--What am I supposed to do?

Call John Favreau and tell him I got to babysit?

Come on, now. Um...

BRYAN: Hey, hey, hey, guys.

Look, I can help you out. You know what?

My schedule is real light this week...

except for Thursday.

I have to watch The O.C.

Now them people, they know how to live.

Encino.

Yay! Daddy's gonna babysit!

Oh, it's gonna be a party. Ha-ha!

Great.

Now I got to watch four kids.

JORDAN: Hey, those are my fries. BRYAN: Uh-huh.

Anything at the bottom of the bag is fair game.

It's the finder's keepers French fry rule.

And give me that bag back. JORDAN: No!

(bag crinkling) JORDAN: Hey!

BRYAN: That's an empty bag!

(exhales) Okay.

I have my phone charger.

I have my spare laptop battery.

I have my PowerPoint presentation.

Am I forgetting anything? Yeah, your clothes.

(door opens and closes) I would've remembered that.

Oh, hey. Good morning.

Whoa, hey, Bryan. What's up with the big bag?

You only gonna be here a week.

Yeah, you know, I know, man, but, you know,

I got some laundry I need to catch up on.

We making lunch, huh? You know what, man?

I could bag some cookies or cut up some carrots...

No, no, no, look, look here. I got this.

And, you know, I really appreciate

you being here and all, and I know you want to lend a hand.

Yeah, man. You know, I can't wait to get my parent on.

Well, look here.

What you can do that can help all of us...

Mm-hmm? ...is just chill-lax

and let me handle the heavy stuff.

All right? Thank you.

Oh.

America,

I didn't mean to hurt Bryan's feelings.

His heart is in the right place.

It's just that his mind is sometimes still in junior high.

I mean, come on.

What adult says, "I'm gonna get my parent on?"

Please.

I'm going to miss you guys.

Bye, Aunt Wanda. GIRLS: Bye.

Oh, we miss you already. (chuckles)

Honey.

You have a safe trip, hear?

I will. And I love you. I love you, too.

Well...

(car door closes)

It's just me and you now, B.

Just me and you.

(car leaving)

Oh, hey, B. What's up, man?

You got some whites you want to add to this? No, I'm straight.

Okay, cool. I'll go check the kids' room then.

No, I got to be on the set in an hour, so I made you a list.

You say you want to help out, right?

Oh, now we talking, man. Okay. Okay.

Number one...

Number four:

"Remember to flush"? Uh...

What's that supposed to mean, man?

Let's just say you don't always finish your work.

Wha...?

Uh... My bad.

You know, I'll start him off real slow, America.

A little responsibility might make him feel useful,

but I don't want to overload him, you know what I mean?

It wouldn't be fair. I mean, he's no me.

He didn't have Big Mama to help mold him

into a well-rounded person. (chuckles)

He can thank Colonel Sanders for that.

Guys, here's the ballots for 8th grade's best.

We have to turn them in by Friday.

Why do you even care?

Seriously, it's not like any of us are gonna win anything.

Are you kidding? We're in the 8th grade.

This is our last hurrah at Damien.

We gotta leave our mark.

I'm thinking about class clown. Hello?

Have you forgotten about Doug Dorner?

(indistinct chatter)

(screams)

Gotcha!

The guy is in another league.

(sighs)

(indistinct chatter)

Best smile.

This'll be a cakewalk.

(closes door) Sorry I'm late. Traffic was a mess.

Who wants Chow-Chow Chicken?

Wait...

Wait, wait, wait.

What's going on here?

We already ate.

Daddy made spinach lasagna.

BRYAN: Never made it before, man.

You know what? I added a little fennel. I think it works.

Wow, and... you cleaned up, too?

Yeah, yeah, and look.

And now I'm helping Baby Girl with her fractions.

Wow, Bryan...

I'm impressed.

Hey. Thanks, B.

You know, a little encouragement goes a long way, man.

I got some clothes to check in the dryer. Excuse me.

I checked it.

How 'bout that, America?

Shoot, Bryan not such a lost cause after all.

The way he stepped up there tonight

made me think that he probably could handle a little more.

Lighten up my load a bit.

Shoot, I'm gonna add some more to his list.

You know what?

I'm gonna need some more paper.

(chuckles)

(exhales)

Oh, hey, Bernie.

Look, here's your suit for tomorrow, man.

And guess who's having a Denver omelet for breakfast?

Huh? Huh? (chuckles)

Come eat with me.

(retreating footsteps)

Look at him go, America.

Sprinting out of the gate.

Trying to be everyone's mama.

I say knock yourself out, Bryan.

I got work to do.

Bernie Mac is out.

Don't forget the hash browns!

BRYAN: Coming right up!

Mama.

(upbeat music playing)

Mm. (sighs)

Okay. You can open your eyes now.

(gasps)

Wow! I love it!

Yeah, it looks great, doesn't it?

Hey, okay, look. Now remember,

you have to sleep pretty like this, okay?

Now do it just like this tonight. All right? You got it?

That way, in case your head falls, you know,

you can catch it and you don't want to mess it up.

Okay? Go. Let me see, let me see.

You got it? Okay, now, go to sleep, go to sleep.

Mm-hmm, see? Don't even move.

Right? See there how you caught it?

Do it again, do it again.

You might want to fall asleep the other way.

You never know. See, watch. Look.

See, look at... Look, it just stay right...

Ooh, I messed up a curl. Why don't you try?

Why don't you try? You try it. Okay, okay. Let me see.

(grunts)

See, okay. See...

All right.

Come on.

(The Stylistics: "You're a Big Girl Now" playing)

♪ No more silly looks ♪

♪ With a childish glare ♪

♪ No more doll for you to play ♪

BRYAN: A dream is not up in the sky or in the stars,

it's right in your heart. Bryan.

♪ No more dumbness in the things you say ♪

There you go, B. Hey, man.

(sniffs)

Hey, man, that smells nice.

Oh, yeah. New fabric softener

and just a squirt of High Karate.

(karate yells and laughs)

Smell them drawers.

Mm-hmm. Man.

America, I got to hand it to Bryan.

I mean, he's doing things Wanda would never do.

But don't tell her, though. I don't know.

It's like I finally got a stay-at-home wife.

Shoot, Bernie Mac could get used to this,

except for the part where he folded my drawers.

Huh, I got to burn those.

(sniffs)

Get a whiff first.

(exhales)

That's great.

Okay, girls, now we're gonna practice trapping the ball with your chest.

Bryana, come up here and show us how it's done.

What's she gonna trap it with?

I know. She doesn't even have a chest.

(mean laughter)

(clears throat)

Now, the chest trap...

GIRL: What is wrong with him?

(indistinct chatter)

GIRL 2: Ew! Weird!

GIRL 3: What is his deal?

Is that Connor Santell?

Yeah.

He just got his braces off.

His dad's an orthodontist.

Gave him George Clooney's smile.

I got to step up my game.

JORDAN: Wait, you're taking the last piece of meat loaf?

Wait a minute, that meat loaf's for Baby Girl

for when she comes from soccer practice. Put that back.

Just give her half. She'll never know.

VANESSA: Yeah, I want it. She can have a sandwich.

Hey, hey, you know, I make a mean meat loaf, too.

You all never ask me for seconds.

BRYAN (hastily): I'm pretty sure

your meat loaf is delicious.

Do you put liver in your meat loaf?

It always tastes... livery,

like a liver-loaf.

There's no liver in it.

You know, Bryan, you are so creative.

What are these little red things?

They're delicious.

Pimentos... from Portugal.

Mmm. You know, you really should show Uncle Bernie how to do that.

Wh-What?

He'd just think they was olives.

Are you sure there's no liver in it?

I said I didn't put no liver in it.

Okay...

Just... tastes so livery.

Okay, America, I ain't gonna lie.

I've been enjoying the comforts of Bryan's domestic generosity,

but this Martha Stewart act is getting annoying.

Probably that's why they threw her in jail.

Whoo! (sighs) What a day.

-Hey, man, how 'bout a little Sports Center to relax? -Relax? It's easy for you.

You ain't got no 17-year-old girl

late for her curfew on a Friday night.

Oh, no, no, Mac. She not late, man.

I gave her an extra hour. What?

Yeah. Just because she kissed your meat loaf ass.

Who gave you permission to do any doggone thing?

Who in the hell do you think you are, man?

(chuckling) Oh, that's funny. That's real funny, man.

'Cause you wasn't asking me them questions

when I was cooking, when I was cleaning and washing your dirty drawers.

See, that's what I want to talk to you about.

You didn't have no re... no reason touching my drawers.

Don't touch my drawers, okay? (volume of indistinct TV commentary increases)

(snap)

Hey!

(chuckles)

(snap) (screams)

Bryana doesn't have a bra.

She's still a baby.

I do too have one.

Then where is it? At the cleaners.

Bras don't go to the cleaners.

Big bras do.

(laughing)

Hey, Jordan, how was school today?

Fantastic! Hi, Tammy!

(car door opens) BRYAN: Oh, hey, Baby Girl.

How was school today?

(slams the door) (girls laughing)

(all laughing)

Want to talk about it?

No.

Can we go now? My face is cramping.

Oh, sure, we can. Okay, let's go.

Oh, come on, Baby Girl.

I know something's bothering you.

Hey, was it those girls at school today?

(sniffs) Uh-huh.

What did they say?

They said I was flat.

Aw, princess,

don't you pay them no mind, okay?

Oh, there you are.

Remember that list I gave you?

Remember number four?

Hey, Baby Girl. What you doing on the floor like that?

Are you crying?

Come here and tell Uncle Bernie what's going on. Come here.

It's okay, princess, all right?

It's nothing. I'm fine.

Hey, hey, I guess I'm easier to talk to, man.

Don't worry.

I'll keep you in the loop.

Who's easier to talk to than me, America?

Who? I'm sorry,

but he hasn't even been baby-sitting a week,

and all of a sudden, she's telling him stuff

she won't tell me? Huh.

I know I brought this on myself,

but the Mac-man won't stand for it any longer.

No, sir. There's only room for one mama in this house,

and that mama's gonna be me!

(knocking on door) BERNIE: Baby Girl, you in there?

Just a minute. All right.

Hey, sweetheart.

You all right? You sure?

Anything you want to get off your chest?

What? No, no, no, I'm fine.

Oh. 'Cause, you know, if you do,

you can come talk to good old Uncle Bernie,

the man who's been with you from day one,

especially the last five years,

not just this week.

Thanks.

Baby Girl's going through something, America.

Maybe she feels like I haven't been there for her this week.

But I'm here now.

I'll get things back to normal.

I promise, America. I will.

(knocking) Baby Girl, it's time for your...

And please bless Bryana,

my princess.

Hang up on him, Lord.

Disconnect that call.

And thank you for bringing her into my life.

Well, all right.

Then I'm beeping in.

O heavenly Father, precious Lord,

this is Bernie Mac coming to You live from Baby Girl's room,

asking You to put her in Your Godly hands as she sleeps tonight...

(loudly) And grant her peace and understanding,

that she may better deal with the adversities

she'll face in her everyday life.

You know, Father,

peace and understanding has its place...

Mm.

But, Father, give Baby Girl love and forgiveness.

And give her the strength, the strength that you gave Sampson, O powerful God,

and the '84 Bears.

Praise God. Oh, God.

(bellowing) And, if you will,

O most precious Father,

give her good grades

without really trying.

(also bellowing) O powerful God, I ask you

to protect Baby Girl from all her enemies,

especially those who...

(speaking normally) Praise God, give her false promises.

(bellowing) And, if it be Thine will, O heavenly Father,

give her clarity so that she may see who's who and what's what.

(hollering) O powerful God, I've not asked you to smite anyone as of late,

but in this... (snoring)

Amen.

In Jesus' name...

Amen.

(Harry Connick Jr.: "A Wink and a Smile" playing) ♪ You can't have a dream ♪

♪ and cut it to fit ♪

♪ But when I saw you, I knew ♪

♪ We go together ♪

♪ Like a wink and a smile ♪

(upbeat riff)

♪ We go together ♪

♪ Like a wink and a smile ♪ (wink dings)

Looking good, Robert. Huh?

See you in Science, Marshall.

MARSHALL: Whatever. What the...?

Beautiful day, isn't it?

♪ We're so far away from yesterday ♪

♪ Together ♪

Hey, Baby Girl!

I'm cutting you up some orange slices for the game

so you can eat at half-time.

And guess what else?

I got the stain out of your soccer uniform.

Who loves you, baby?

Say...

what's the matter, Baby Girl?

Come on, tell your Uncle Bernie.

Um...

Here it comes, America.

She want to talk to me. Huh.

Take that, Bryan.

Who's your mama now?

Who's your mama now?

Who your mama now?

Hey, there's my little Pelé.

Hey, I'm ready for your after-game snacks.

I got your brownies.

I got some Crickle-Crackle.

And you know what? We gonna have some quesadillas

if I can find us a Sterno.

Quesadillas ain't no game food.

I don't want to go.

Why? What's wrong, princess?

She was about to tell me before you walked in.

Come on, tell your Uncle Bernie, your legal guardian,

the person who's been with you from day one,

ever since you were a little-bitty baby.

The girls are teasing me because I'm flat.

Which I already knew.

You... Mm-hmm.

They were snapping each other's bra straps,

but I don't have one to snap.

Well, that ain't no problem.

Uncle Bernie just got to go out and buy you a bra.

Hold up, Mac. Hold up, man, I-I-I think that's something

that, uh, a father should do.

I think a father should have thought of it.

Fine. Then we'll both go and buy you a bra, okay?

Thanks.

I'll see you at the bra store.

Bring it on. Huh. It's here, baby, right in front of you.

Hey, everybody, the Eighth Grade Bests are here!

(murmuring)

BOY: What did I get, what did I get, what did I get?

Two years running!

(cheering)

Hmm. Best Smile.

Charles "Fort" Knox.

Who's that?

Dang! That's some bling!

Hey, you did win something.

JORDAN: "Creepiest?"

GIRL: I got it!

Don't worry. Next year, in high school, I'm sure there will be

plenty of kids creepier than you.

Really? Yeah.

Just never, ever smile.

Thanks.

GIRL: Oh, you guys!

Whoo!

Oh. All right, here we go.

Baby Girl, I'll be in the men's shoe department, okay?

Hey, hey, hey, where you going, man?

Uh... this is all you.

What's wrong? You her daddy.

-You're buying... unless you're uncomfortable. -Who's uncomfortable?

You? Nah. You.

-No, it looks like it's you. -No, it sounds like you.

Look, look, I've worn bras and panties before.

Help yourself. I have.

Be down. It's your turn.

I don't do that. Mm-hmm.

Sweetheart, what size are you?

I don't know. You don't know?

Oh, hey, hey, how about this one? This looks like it will fit.

She ain't no Laker Girl, man.

I know, man.

I'm the one she told about being flat-chested, remember?

Like we can't see that.

Oh, come on, Mac-man.

I'm just trying to be a daddy, all right?

Man, use your head. I am.

Baby Girl, what size do you...?

BERNIE: Aw, Baby Girl, I'm sorry. BRYANA: You're embarrassing me.

Sweetheart, ain't nothing to be embarrassed about.

BRYANA: Yes, there is. I'm flat like you said.

Look, all of us got something

that we're not proud of, but we can't let that stop us.

You know what I'm saying? Shoot, when I was a little kid,

I had braces on my legs, and when I walked,

it sounded like "chu-chu-chu," like I was a robot.

(both chuckle) Really?

Really. Mm-hmm.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, and when I was a kid,

um... you know, I had this real bad stuttering problem.

Even to this day, I still can't say the word...

(stuttering)

(stuttering)

(stuttering)

You get the picture, right? See?

Come on, let's find a salesperson.

Come on. Come on. There you go.

I was lying about my b-b-b-brace on my f-f-f-feet.

Now, how you gonna lie about having braces on your legs?

This right here, this why. Oh.

Hi, ma'am. How you doing?

Hi. I'm looking for a bra

for this lovely young lady right here.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's her first one.

And, uh, we wanted it to be special. Of course.

We have a three-pack that comes in pink, cream and white.

I like pink. (chuckles)

Can I just say, I think it's wonderful that, in today's society,

it's okay for a gay couple like yourselves

to shop for a bra with their daughter.

Hey, hey, hey, slow your roll, snowflake.

Uh... Ain't no gay going on over here, all right?

I'm her daddy. I'm her uncle.

(chuckling) Oh, I get it. That makes it more fun, doesn't it?

(chuckling) No, I know, I know, I know.

I had a lady friend in college.

Well...

Thanks, Daddy.

Thanks, Uncle Daddy.

Uh... Don't play with me, okay?

You, uh, you still keep in contact with that lady friend?

Quit it. I-I was just asking.

Get some information. Get some information.

You know, America,

I was so busy competing with Bryan,

I forgot the very important thing:

Baby Girl's better off with both of us.

It's kind of like she got... two daddies.

Two straight daddies.

This I know for sure.

SINGER (slow song): ♪ No more daddy's little girl ♪

Ew!

I don't want to touch it. MAN: Pick it up.

(laughs) ALL: Ew!

"Say 'cheese'." MAN: (laughs)

Oh, it's a whole bagful of cheese.

More cheese. MAN: More cheese. (all laugh)

More cheese. MAN: Cheese, so much.

MAN: Another one. Oh!

More cheese! WOMAN: Say cheese!

Captioned by Visual Data