Original subtitles

(theme music playing)

See, when filling out college applications,

what you want to do is you want to put them in order

of priority, all right?

You want to do it based upon curriculum, accreditation,

or whether or not it's geographically desirable.

Got me? Mm-hmm.

Okay.

Vanessa...

This one's in Paris.

Hmm.

I don't know how that got in there.

(doorbell ringing)

BERNIE: I got it.

Hi. Hey.

I'm Judy Wasserstein. This is my son David.

We just moved in down the street.

Oh, I'm Bernie Mac. Welcome to the neighborhood.

Thank you.

Oh, how nice, you have children.

Yes, this is my nephew Jordan.

Jordan, this is Ms. Wasserstein

and her son David.

Hey.

Hi.

We were hoping there were other children

in the neighborhood around David's age.

Well, I'm quite sure

Jordan and David will get along real well.

Am I right, Jordan?

(video game beeping)

Ow! Right.

Doggone, America, it's my job to expand his horizons.

Whether he likes it or not.

I didn't know a lot of Jewish folks growing up either.

But now, (chuckles) some of my closest friends are Jewish.

My agent, my lawyer, my accountant,

even my doctor, he's cool with me.

Huh. Only way to go.

Only way to go.

What's your doggone problem? That was rude of you.

Uncle Bernie, he's a nerd. Nerd nor not,

you're going to be a good neighbor,

and you're going to play with that kid. (groans)

(video game beeping)

WANDA: No, Vanessa's a great student.

It's just that it's competitive, right?

So I want her to be realistic

and consider some state colleges.

(chuckles)

Yeah, uh-huh.

WANDA: Yeah.

(indistinct conversation on phone)

(bored tapping)

So what do you want to do?

Oh, no way. You have the wireless controllers?

Uh, I can't.

It's the Sabbath and we're not allowed to use electricity

until Saturday night.

It's a Jewish thing.

(scoffs) My mom must have been Jewish,

because in Chicago, it was the Sabbath a lot.

Wait, wait, wait.

Would you be breaking the rules

if I worked the controllers

while you told me which aliens to shoot?

I guess not.

I never thought about that before.

(laughing)

There's not a rule made that I can't get around. (laughs)

Okay, uh, so press, up, up, down, down,

left, right, left, right, B, A, and start,

and that will get you unlimited ammo.

Should you be using cheat codes on the Sabbath?

Technically, you're using them. (chuckles)

Hey, I thought this game doesn't come out for a month. How'd you get it?

Uh, my cousin's a beta tester.

In fact, he's going to have the arcade version of this game

at his bar mitzvah this Saturday.

You want to go?

I guess there'll be a bunch of video game nerds, huh?

Probably.

Sounds like fun.

(shooting noises)

Go left... right...

Want to see how many doughnut holes I can stuff in my mouth?

My record's 13.

Not now, Bryana.

I'm writing an essay for my college applications.

What for? Aunt Wanda thinks you're wasting your time.

What are you talking about?

I heard her say you have no chance

of getting into Berkeley.

She said that?

That and something about aiming too high.

(scoffs) I can't believe she would talk about me behind my back.

What the family says is right about her.

She is boojie.

RABBI: Therefore, at the age of 13,

a boy is responsible for his deeds--

spiritually, ethically, and morally.

Leviticus 19:18.

(speaking Hebrew)

You should love your neighbor as you love yourself.

Treat others the way that we would want to be treated. Amen.

ALL: Amen.

Oh, man, I don't care what you guys call it,

this was church. You owe me.

How's that for payment?

(dramatic music and futuristic noises)

Holy Jesus!

In here we say Holy Moses.

Good service.

Well, it's your house. I'm just here to party.

(upbeat music playing)

(arcade game noises)

Ready... player two switch.

Thanks. Man, this party's awesome.

Aw! (mutters)

Um, let's go dip stuff in the chocolate fountain.

There's Elena. I've liked her since the first grade.

JORDAN: Then why don't you dance with her?

She thinks I'm a little nebbish.

A nerd. No, no, you're not a nerd.

You just need an in. I mean, if I can get

you two together on the dance floor,

will you dance with her?

How are you going to do that?

(dance music playing)

You know how to Electric Slide?

Let's do it.

And right, and left...

and left, and back...

and back...

And turn...

Dude, get in.

Hi there, Elena. Hi.

She said "hi" to me. I know. Just dance.

Okay, okay.

And back...

SINGER: ♪ The new Electric Slide... ♪

And left and left and left, and left...

♪ It's Electric ♪

♪ It's Electric... ♪

This is so cool. I know, dude. Dude...

Okay. Stay here.

Back?

♪ Do-do-do-do, do-do-do-dah ♪

BERNIE: Hey, Jordan.

Oh, hey, Uncle Bernie.

You have a good time with David?

It was great, Uncle Bernie.

You were right about opening my mind to other cultures.

It gave me a sense of fulfillment.

I'm glad to hear that, boy. I'm glad to hear that.

I'm exhausted, Uncle Bernie. I'm gonna go take a schvitz and then plotz.

What's a...?

You see that, America?

My plan worked.

See, I'm not the one to spin my own dreidel.

Or gefilte fish for a compliment.

But by showing Jordan a new culture, I did a mitzvah.

Oh, I'm sorry. That's Yiddish for a solid.

Which is South Side Chicago for a boon.

Which is... anyway.

America, let me finish exposing Jordan to some culture

and I'll get back to y'all real soon.

Ta-ta.

(laughing) Last night was so much fun.

I danced so hard, I emptied my inhaler.

Yeah, me, too. Thanks for inviting me.

Oh, man, there was a lot of good stuff in those goodie bags.

I wish there was a bar mitzvah every weekend.

Actually... there are.

It's b'nai mitzvah season.

And all the kids at my school are having one.

Wait, you go to another school

after your regular school?

And on Sunday.

You definitely need to party.

But since I'm new in town, I'm not invited to any.

So how are we supposed to get in?

(scoffs) If your people

can find their way through the desert,

I'm sure we can find our way into

Encino Gardens Banquet Hall.

VANESSA: Yeah, I know.

And she's got some nerve talking about me.

Now, I won't feel so guilty about tonight.

Hold on a sec. Let me get back to my room.

(door closes)

GIRL (on phone): Don't tell anybody what we're doing...

(yawning)

(water running)

Going somewhere?

What are you doing sneaking out? You're supposed to be studying.

(scoffs) What do I need to study for?

You said I would never get into college anyway. What are you talking about?

Bryana told me what you said about me not being good enough to get into Berkeley.

What?

I just meant that it's competitive.

And you seem like you're not applying yourself.

Like, for instance, sneaking out.

Bryana told you that, too, huh?

Maybe.

Yeah, well, if she'll tell my business,

you know she'll tell yours to somebody else.

Yeah.

I think you're right.

See how smart you are?

Now prove your brilliance and get out.

Wow! Check it out.

Put, put one of those on. Those on...

Aah! No, it's not a hat.

See, it's called a yarmulke.

Got it.

You know what? Try another.

That's not-- it's not working for you.

There you go. Pick it up.

Dude, you are so cool.

You are so cool. Yes!

You're wearing the yarmulke; you're wearing it well.

Yes! All right.

Yarmulkes? Check.

Taliths? Check.

Inhalers? Check.

(both inhale) Ahh...

What if they ask to see invitations?

Just follow my lead. If you've been to one of these things,

you've been to them all.

Uh...uh... Oh, we just stepped outside for some air.

He's an asthmatic, so We know where we're sitting.

You know, I don't remember seeing you two at the ceremony.

Uh... uh...

Oh, you don't?

Oh, it was lovely.

I mean, the best part was when the rabbi

quoted Leviticus 19:18.

(speaking Hebrew)

Yes, that was lovely, wasn't it?

Well, enjoy the party. (sighs)

Three schools, and all you come up with is, "Uh...uh..."

Hey, we're in, aren't we? No thanks to you.

How's my hat? Yarmulke!

SINGER: ♪ Well... ♪

♪ You know you make me want to shout! Kick my heels up and ♪

♪ Shout! Throw my hands up and ♪

♪ Shout! Throw my head back and ♪

♪ Shout! Come on now ♪

♪ Don't forget to say you will ♪

BOTH (playing badly): ♪ Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel... ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Say you will ♪

♪ Say it right now, baby ♪

♪ Say you will ♪

♪ Come on, come on ♪

♪ Say you will ♪

BOTH (still playing badly): ♪ I made it out of clay... ♪

♪ Come on now ♪

♪ Say that you love me ♪

♪ Say that you need me ♪

♪ Say that you want me ♪

-♪ Say ♪ -♪ You wanna please me ♪

-♪ Say ♪ -♪ Come on now ♪

-♪ Say ♪ -♪ Come on now ♪

-BOTH: ♪ When it's nice and ready ♪ -DAVID: ♪ Oh... ♪

♪ Dreidel, I will play ♪

♪ I'm gonna play that dreidel ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

SINGER: ♪ I feel all right ♪

(crowd applauding and hollering) ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Every time I think about you ♪

Whoa, is that even out yet?

-No, I don't think so. -Dude, let me see.

♪ You know you make me want to ♪

♪ Shout! Lift my hands up and ♪

♪ Shout! Throw my head back and shout! ♪

♪ Kick my heels up and shout! Come on now ♪

♪ Shout! Take it easy shout! Take it easy ♪

♪ Shout! A little bit louder now ♪

♪ Shout! A Little bit louder now ♪

♪ Shout! Hey-ey-ey-ey ♪

♪ Hey-ey-ey-ey ♪

♪ Hey-ey-ey-ey ♪

♪ Hey-ey-ey-ey ♪

♪ Hey-ey-ey-ey-ey-ey ♪

♪ Hey-ey-ey-ey-ey-ey ♪

♪ Hey-ey-ey-ey-ey-ey ♪

♪ Hey-ey-ey-ey-ey-ey ♪

♪ Shout now ♪

♪ Everybody shout ♪

♪ Shout, shout, shout ♪

♪ Shout, shout, shout ♪

♪ Shout, shout, shout ♪

♪ Shout, shout, shout ♪

♪ Shout, shout, shout ♪

♪ Shout, shout, shout ♪

Whoa, looky there--

like somebody had a blast of a time last night.

Uncle Bernie, please, not so loud.

I'm coming down from the sugar.

Well, I guess you wouldn't want this package that came for you,

from, uh... Jeff Green.

I got a package from Jeff Green?

Oh, let me see it.

(jaunty music playing) (popping)

Wow!

I got invited to Jeff Green's bar mitzvah.

His dad's a dot-commer,

but he got out right before the bubble burst. Hmm.

Oh, man. They're having a medieval theme,

complete with knights, maidens,

and a feudal serf.

Wow, that's real velvet, Uncle Bernie.

Check out the quality. That's nice. Yeah.

I mean, I got to pick out my outfit.

I cannot go to that looking like a schmendrick.

(jaunty music playing) (popping)

Look at that!

The boy got an A-list invite.

You see that, America?

If you open yourself up to new experiences,

the world will reward you.

Man, I mean they go all-out for these things.

The only thing I got when I was 13

was a water bill put in my name.

Big Mama said if I was man enough

to take a shower twice a day,

I was man enough to pay for it.

Sweet.

(piano being played badly)

Bryana. Bryana, honey. Can you keep it down?

I need to make a quick call.

(phone beeping)

WOMAN (over phone): Oh, I don't know...

WANDA (over phone): Well, Bryana hasn't had her room for too long.

Oh, please, she won't miss it when we turn it into a sewing room.

WOMAN (on phone): Yeah, it's amazing how young kids just seem to adapt

to whatever we throw in front of 'em.

Hey, guess whose bar mitzvah's this Saturday? I know, can you believe it?

Hey, you got to wear that dress shirt you know, with the raised collar.

The ladies can't get enough of that one.

Yeah, that would go well with my new blazer.

So what are you going to wear? My father says

that wearing a black suit during the reading

of the hoftarah makes me look more dignified.

We like to keep it old-school.

Hey, wait a minute. Why would you be doing the reading?

It's my bar mitzvah. (chuckles) Why wouldn't I be doing it?

Oh, yeah. What was I thinking?

It's going to be a very small, traditional party.

You know, just for close friends and relatives.

And my bubbe's flying in from Boca.

Oh, man! I just remembered.

I can't go.

(sighs)

I'm going to be out of town on Saturday.

What? You-you can't.

You got to be there. It's my big day.

I completely forgot about the trip.

I'm so sorry, D.

Um... I got to go, though. I'll see you later.

(invitation pops)

(jaunty music playing)

Yo, Jordan! Come here a sec!

Look here, son. You're an expert.

You think gators are appropriate for David's bar mitzvah?

Wait, you're going to David's bar mitzvah?

Yeah, the whole family was invited.

No, but you can't go, Uncle Bernie.

Why not? Because I told David

I was going to be out of town that weekend,

so I could go to Jeff Green's bar mitzvah.

He's giving away plasmas.

Man...

I thought you and he was boys.

Man, I can't believe you'd choose material things

over your friendship.

Wait. I don't think you heard me.

They're giving away plasmas!

Look, son. You're 13 now.

I'm not going to make you go.

You got to make your own decisions.

But me and the entire family, we're still going.

But what am I going to tell David? I don't know.

You have to figure this one out on your own.

(groans)

I'm just testing him, America, like God tested Abraham.

I'm not worried. I know he'll come around.

'Cause doing the right thing is in the Mac blood. That's right.

Except for maybe his mama.

Well, his daddy's blood ain't too healthy, either, but...

Okay. I'm a little worried.

(sighs) I just didn't know how to tell you, so I lied.

(sighs) I just didn't want to hurt your feelings.

Hurt my feelings? No, no. It's fine.

You know, if you're cool not being there,

I'm cool with you not being there.

(sighs) I'm glad you understand.

Well, I'll see you later, D.

See? That's what I was worried about, America.

The boy ain't like Abraham, he's like his daddy:

running out on folks, not showing up,

breaking promises.

Oy vay.

A son of the commandment understands

that friendships enrich and strengthen

our wisdom and character.

(Jordan sighs) True friends are those who have a meaningful

and lasting relationship.

The material gains of this world are temporary,

but true friendship lasts a lifetime.

So when the final chapter is written,

God will look into the hearts of man and ask:

Who are you with?

(pants) Uh...

So mazel tov to my cousin, David.

May he never find himself on the wrong side

of an isosceles triangle.

(laughter and applause)

Now that we've had all of David's family up here,

it's time for some of his friends

to come up and light a candle.

(Someone clears throat)

(soft murmuring)

Bernie. What?

You got to get up there and say something

on Jordan's behalf.

I don't think David has any friends.

Come on, now Wanda. I don't want go up there.

What am I supposed to say? I don't know these people.

I don't know. You're a comedian; say something funny.

Fine.

JORDAN: I-I'd like to say something.

(soft gasping, murmuring)

MAN: Okay. WOMAN: Yeah.

I once heard a rabbi say that a friend

is someone who sees my faults better than I see them myself,

but has the patience and the grace to forgive.

CROWD: Aw... To my friend, David.

(speaking Hebrew)

(applause)

Mazel tov!

That's sweet.

CROWD: Aw...

What a mensch.

Yeah!

BERNIE: I wouldn't mind at all.

Whew! I cannot do another horah.

My feet are killing me. (Wanda chuckles)

I really need to go talk to David's cousin, Abe.

He's a podiatrist.

Son, you did real good today.

And I know it must've been real hard for you

to come here today, now wasn't it?

Yeah.

I know I was wrong. But David's a good friend.

I shouldn't have treated him like that.

You know what, son? It might be his bar mitzvah,

but today, you're a man.

Come on, Jordan. We're doing the Electric Slide. Right.

What happened to his foot? I don't know.

SINGER: ♪ It's electric ♪

Hey, Aunt Wanda? Mm-hmm?

Um, when we get home, can you help me

spruce up my drill team outfit?

I was thinking we can put some tassels and sequins on it.

Really make it pop. Yes, of course. I think that would be fun.

And you know what? I just ordered enough new sewing machine equipment

to fill up the whole room.

VANESSA: Hey,

maybe I can make some extra money

doing alterations for my friends.

We could even start our own business, right out of the house.

Now you're thinking. (both laughing)

Uncle Bernie, please don't let Aunt Wanda take my room!

Girl, what you talking about?

I heard Aunt Wanda on the phone,

and she said she was gonna kick me out

and turn my room into a sewing room.

Aunt Wanda can't sew. Baby, why you teasing the girl?

I'm trying to teach her a lesson. Well, if you're trying

to teach her a lesson, just teach her.

You know, instead of scheming and plotting,

just come direct with her.

Look at her. You got Baby Girl all upset.

Thank you, Uncle Bernie. You're welcome.

Now I know why you spend an extra day on the road

instead of coming straight home.

(spits drink) What?

What?

You're intercepting text messages now, huh?

Let me tell you something, Baby Girl,

if these white folks wasn't here,

I'd break you off a little something. I'm not kidding with you.

America, I got the boy on track,

but now I have to teach that girl

to keep her damn mouth shut.

Now I got to come straight home.

Messed up my tee time.

And, anytime (indistinct)...

I'm just testing them, America.

Like God taste...

Ah...

Hoo...

Watch this.

Olé!

(man laughing)

What is it? Oy vay?

Oy vay! Not Olé!

Okay.

(all laughing)

MAN: (indistinct)

Oy vay.

Captioned by Visual Data