Original subtitles

(theme music playing)

(whistle blowing)

It's that time of year, America.

Football season.

See, this is when Bernie Mac gets his testosterone up.

The clinching and the grabbing and the personal foul.

Late hits. I love it all.

See, Bernie Mac like his Sundays ugly.

Yeah three... 17... hut.

Hut.

Yeah, baby, yeah, baby!

(laughs)

(doorbell rings)

Hi, Mr. Mac.

What the...? They're here for me.

-Hey, you guys. Come on in. -Hey, Mr. Mac.

No, no, no. Wait, wait, wait.

Wait, wait. Wait a minute.

Uh, wait.

(giggling and chatter)

What the hell going on, Nessa? We're having a makeup party.

You didn't ask me could you have no doggone makeup party.

You think you can just "Dingdong, Avon," and ruin my Sunday?

Take it up with Aunt Wanda. It was her idea.

I'm not gonna take it up with...

Hey, Wanda! What am Imma do now, baby?

Honey, it's so they could look good for the yearbook photo.

I promised her.

It's the Bears' first preseason game.

Man, that's foul.

The Bears will have lots of games.

There's only one yearbook photo.

Where I'm a watch the game at now?

Man, that's foul.

Anywhere but here.

Ooh, honey, why don't you ask Jordan if he'll go with you?

For what? He don't like football. That's foul.

Honey, just ask him anyway.

He don't like football. That's foul.

Son, we get there, you're gonna have a ball.

You watch what I tell you.

I feel a little congested.

I might be coming down with something.

I should stay.

See? Oh!

GIRL: You like it?

Come on here, come on.

Get in the car, boy.

Doggone it. I'll be right there. I forgot my Bears cap.

I'm just passing through. Don't worry.

Don't worry. Um, Uncle Bernie?

I'm just getting my Bears cap. Don't worry about it.

No!

(girls shrieking)

They're changing in there.

I... Nessa, I swear, I...

Lord, Lord knows I... Nessa...

I mean, from, uh, right here...

(dull thumps)

(whimpers)

(woman singing funky song indistinctly)

See, if you put the light shade over the darker shade,

it accentuates the line of the cheekbone.

(laughs) Oh, my gosh.

I have cheekbones.

VANESSA: Hey, hey, hey. Get out of here. Why can't I stay?

Aunt Wanda, will you make her get out of here?

Uh, sweetie, stop, okay?

This party is for your sister and her friends.

Now when you get to high school, I'll throw you your own makeup party, okay?

But I want to look pretty now!

Oh, Vanessa, she just wants to be one of the girls.

Let her stay.

(sighs) Fine.

(indistinct chatter)

Here we go, Jordan, and welcome to the Bears' Den,

own little corner of Chicago right here in L.A.

I don't know, Uncle Bernie. I don't think I'm supposed to be in a bar.

And grill, and they serve food, and it's legal. Come on.

BARMAN: Hey, look who's here, Bernie Mac.

Wassup, you squares?

Hey, that's South Side and Zalenski right there. This is my nephew, Jordan.

What's up, Little Mac?

So, uh, which one are you-- Cubs or White Sox?

Uh... he don't follow sports.

Really? Okay. O'Hare or Midway?

Give it a rest, Zalenski. What, come on!

Oh, hey, Jillian, come here, baby.

I got you, Bernie. I saw you coming in.

Hey, cutie. Could you use a beer?

Me? You bet!

Got the only draft root beer in L.A.

(quiet chuckle)

She's cute, huh?

So, what do you think--

real or fake?

Now, if you really want that natural look, it doesn't take much.

Less is more. Look at the results.

-Wow! Bryana, you look great! -How do I look?

You know, you actually do.

Is the glitter powder sparkling? It's supposed to sparkle.

WANDA: Sweetie, you look like a perfect little princess.

Aunt Wanda, can I get my own makeup?

WANDA: Uh... why don't you go fill out that sheet?

Uh, sweetie, this makeup is expensive stuff, okay?

Not play makeup.

But I have a school photo, too. I'm sorry,

but this was a special treat.

Man, look at how thick this crust is! It's just like at home.

It is from home-- Chicago deep-dish.

All right now, everybody. Here it is, show time.

Now keep your eye on number 88.

He's caught, like, six passes. They're onto him.

They should run it.

(animated, indistinct commentary on TV)

(cheering)

I'm so sorry. No worries.

No worries. You're fine.

MAN: Yeah!

Oh, great call, little man.

It was?

Hecks, yeah!

Oh, and by the way, Jillian-- they're real.

How do you know?

Just a feeling.

My man!

(choking)

Dang, America.

It's too bad we aren't playing real football.

I mean, that boy got a great set of hands.

Pfft, and Bryana never puts the cap back on the toothpaste.

Shoot, Aunt Wanda does the same exact thing, son.

(scoffs) Girls!

Am I right, Uncle Bernie?

My man, you ain't never lied.

I'm gonna go hit the trough one last time.

Go ahead, go ahead.

(sighs) Oh, man.

(inhales, clears throat)

-Hmm. -Bernie, tell me, is that the same nephew

you're always telling us stories about?

The one who's a little off?

Yeah, that's the same one. He usually is.

That's for you, baby. Thank you.

'Cause you guys seemed as thick as thieves today.

You know, Jillian, you're right. For some reason, we are, huh?

Mm-hmm. (both laughing)

Hey, Bernie. Yes, Stan.

You know we're doing a fantasy football league.

You should get in on that before the season starts.

Fantasy football, huh?

That's when you pick players from different teams?

That's unnatural, man.

Besides, I'm not good with computers, Stan.

I bet Jordan could help you with that.

Nah, he wouldn't want to play with me.

Well, you never know unless you ask him.

Ask me what?

Go on. Ask him.

Hey, Jordan,

they're having a fantasy football league down here,

and-and I was kind of wondering, would you like to play with me?

Yeah, just to be with you, Uncle Bernie, yeah.

Are you kidding?

Sounds like fun.

He said yes, America!

I've known that boy for 13 years,

but we really met for the first time tonight

in this bar.

Now, I know why they call it fantasy football.

Because it's like a dream come true.

America, he said yes!

Just think about it, America.

Me and Jordan lining up together.

It's gonna be a thing of beauty.

I mean nasty, ferocious beauty.

Jordan hittin' 'em high,

while the Mac Man hittin' 'em low.

Easy there, Bernie.

It is fantasy football you're playing.

(scoffs)

What you mean by that, Dick?

What do I mean?

Well, when I made the Hall of Fame,

it was for being nasty and ferocious.

I know that. Oh, man.

Look, I-I'm sorry, Bernie,

but it's-it's just not real football.

Hey, uh, Dick, could you... could you train my nephew for me?

You know I don't ask you much.

You know I don't.

It's-it's fantasy football, Bernie!

It's... it's not real.

Let's play like.

Okay, this Web site says

we should pick our running back first.

Okay.

Shoot, that's easy!

Sweetness Walter Payton, baby!

Uh, I don't see him on the list.

Well, that's because he retired in '88.

But ain't this fantasy football? Just get him, get him.

I don't think it works like that, Uncle Bernie.

All right then. Well, get, um... Thomas Jones.

I like him. He's clean.

Wears his hair short like you.

Wow! Look at all the players.

How do we know who we're supposed to pick?

Just pick the Chicago Bears.

But the Web site says we should pick

the best players from all of the teams.

Chicago Bears are the best team.

Just pick 'em.

Wow, you sure know a lot about football, Uncle Bernie.

(quiet chuckle)

Hold on one minute, son.

(Luther Vandross: "Always and Forever" playing)

Come here, Jordan.

Look, I know we're just starting this journey together,

but there's something I want you to have.

♪ Always and forever ♪

Your 1986 Chicago Bears Super Bowl ring!

I can't take that!

Oh, no. Yes, you can.

Don't trip. It's just a replica.

I-I don't know what to say.

Don't-don't say anything.

Just save your speeches until the...

the Mac Men win the championship, son.

How 'bout that, baby?

♪ Everyday ♪

Aunt Wanda, look at my ring!

♪ Love me in your own special way ♪

What are you doing?

(gasps)

I let you join the party, and you go in my makeup?

I just needed a touch-up.

A touch-up?

Are you still wearing the same makeup

from yesterday?

Yeah, but most of it came off

on my pillowcase.

You're not supposed to wear it to bed, stupid.

I'm sorry. I won't do it again.

I know you won't.

Here, you can have my old stuff.

You can play with that all you want.

Just stay out of my good stuff,

or you'll have to find out

how to use concealer on a black eye.

I can't believe the Bears got killed like that!

Uncle Bernie, I don't ever want to lose like that again.

Oh, don't worry about it.

Bears'll bounce back.

No, I mean the Mac Men.

We're last in the Fantasy Football League.

And no wonder-- we're all Bears.

We need to make some changes, Uncle Bernie.

Drastic ones.

Come-come on now, son.

It's just the first week.

Shoot, show a little courage in this time of adversity.

First off, we're dropping Armstrong.

Now, hold on now, son.

Now, I say hold on, boy.

You know, that man been in the league 17 years.

Let him get his ring. He deserve it.

(scoffs) Okay, what about Jones?

Oh, he's too valuable. He's injured!

That's when he needs us the most, Jordan. You don't kick a man when he's down.

(scoffs) Whatever.

Uncle Bernie, look who's available on the waiver wire--

Brett Favre.

What-what...? Brett Favre?

What are you doing? (doleful beep)

He's the enemy, son.

But-but he's a point machine.

We could finally win with him.

You don't wanna win like that.

So we're not making any changes?

Correct-a-mundo!

We're going to the dance with the people who brung us.

Now, come on.

(sighs) Come on.

Look up Doug Plank.

(typing)

And Brian Piccolo.

Ugh. They don't even let you wear that at school.

I know. I'll wash it off after breakfast.

I just like it. Like it?

You're a little addict with it.

You're just mad 'cause I have good bone structure.

Hey!

(bell ringing)

(War: "Slippin' Into Darkness" playing)

♪ Slipping into darkness ♪

♪ Take my mind beyond the dreams ♪

(whispers) Oh, my gosh!

Is that makeup?

You're not allowed to have that in school.

So?

Do you really wear that?

All the time.

Let's see.

♪ You've been slippin' into darkness ♪

♪ Wo ho ho ho ♪

♪ Pretty soon you gonna pay, hey ♪

(gasps)

Would you care to tell me what you have there?

Uh... crayon?

Now that I have your crayons,

why don't you familiarize yourself with my chalk?

100 times:

"I shall not wear the harlot's face paint."

Jordan, you need to quit pouting.

You're a Mac Man now. You're in the Bears' Den.

Liven up a little bit.

Oh yeah, you're right. This is great.

I love getting creamed. You know what, Jordan?

You're acting like a poor loser. Especially a poor teammate.

Oh, I'm a poor teammate? That's what I said.

Let's see how many points we would've had.

Hey, Stan, what's it gonna take to get the Packers game

on one of these TVs?

(dead silence)

(sputtering)

What did you just say?

South Side, the lad didn't mean no harm.

He's a young comedian.

Take after his uncle, right?

You need to shut your mouth. Shut up.

I'll shut up while you lead us to last place.

Ain't that a blip. Boy, you ain't know nothin' about this game

till I started bringing you down here; you used to spend your Sundays with Aunt Wanda

looking for antiques. Hey, remember I told y'all about that? (laughing)

Boy, you a trip.

I wanna go home, now.

Jordan, I didn't mean no harm.

I'm sorry, Jordan.

I don't know, Dick.

Something just not right in the locker room of Team Mac.

It's not an outbreak of athlete's foot, is it?

Because... because if that stuff gets so much a toehold...

I mean, you can... you can forget about it.

It's-it's contag... No, no.

Dick, Dick, I'm talking about Jordan.

He's just been emotionally distant from me.

That's good, right?

Keep your emotions at a distance.

Hey, that's what football players do.

I know you're right.

I'm sure everything's gonna be fine. Isn't it Dick?

Yeah, but I'm serious about the athlete's foot.

That stuff is no joke.

They'll be calling us for class photo in five minutes.

And when they do, you'll line up in an orderly fashion.

(War: "Slippin' Into Darkness" playing)

♪ Slipping into darkness ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ All my trouble so I choose ♪

♪ I was slippin' into darkness ♪

Bryana, is there a reason you're out of your chair?

Do you have something to say?

Come on out with it.

(vomits)

(class groaning disgustedly)

Come on, children. Quickly.

Mr. Duff, we had a little accident in here.

I'll get the sawdust.

Do you need help to the nurses' station, poor thing?

(weakly) That's okay.

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Slippin' into darkness ♪

All right, there you go, sweetie.

All right, I think that's the last student.

I thought there was supposed to be 40.

BRYANA: Wait, you forgot about me.

Okay, come on up and take a seat.

My, what a very, uh...

mature little girl.

I'm going to need the soft focus filter.

Is this the only backdrop you have?

Do you have something that'll match my eye shadow?

♪ Pretty soon you're gonna pay ♪

Uh-oh.

Blessed Mary and Joseph!

Mr. Duff, I'm going to need to borrow these.

So Bernie, how are things going with Jordan?

Is he still in the fantasy football with you?

You better believe it.

Shoot, he fine, too.

In fact, he's finally going along with

all my ideas about choosing the Bears. (laughs)

Hey, you know, 'cause we've been hearing rumors

about potential problems

in the front office there, you know?

You know, management dispute

between Team Mac Men.

What you talkin' 'bout?

If you guys know anything, tell him.

Right. Uh, well, it's just that your boy's been steppin' out a little bit.

What are you talkin' about?

Jordan's joined another league.

I mean, I... I thought you knew.

Why would he go play on his own?

Wait a minute.

Are you all trying to tell me

that Jordan's playing with someone else?

Huh, boys? Come on, start talking.

Come on.

Alright, who?

Come on, gang.

These are on me, Bern.

You can thank Jordan.

Man, that kid sure knows how to upgrade a backfield.

We're in fourth place.

(sighs)

Mm-hmm.

America, how could he?

Well...

You know what they say about people who make trades?

Traitors.

That's right, nothing but a damn traitor!

Hi, Jordan. Oh, hey, Uncle Bernie.

How was the mall? Mmm, it was good.

You do anything interesting?

What did you have to drink, Backstabber?

And what did you eat, Two-face?

No, no, I just had a Wetzel's pretzel.

Oh, quit the song and dance, Jordan.

I know what's been going on.

I know about you playing fantasy football

with your new friend, Jillian.

Okay, it's true.

It feels so good to finally say it.

No, it doesn't.

Oh, my, Nessa!

Look at you. You look beautiful.

Oh, my God, that makeup party was worth every penny.

I know. I've already had two guys ask me for a wallet size.

Oh, look at that. (chuckles)

Oh, let me see yours. Come on.

Uh-uh.

No, "uh-uh" your auntie. Let me see those photos.

I know they're beautiful. Let me see.

Hey, give me those back!

Uh-uh-uh!

Come on. Come on, now.

(clears throat)

Oh.

Wow.

(gasps) Ooh!

Ooh...

What happened to you?

WANDA: Okay. Well, you know what?

Uh, we can use your soccer team photos.

Did you have recess first before the pictures?

Who did your hair?

What happened, Jordan?

I thought we had it all.

What could she give you that I can't?

She listens to me.

She cares about my opinion.

She makes me feel important.

I was a terrible teammate, wasn't I, Jordan?

How could I've been so blind?

No, no, Uncle Bernie, it wasn't you. It was me.

(sighs)

I just wasn't ready to commit to the Mac Men.

I can't feel right keeping this.

SINGER: ♪ A broken heart ♪

I don't want it, Jordan.

(sighs) I guess I'll just put it here.

♪ Can you stop the rain? ♪

But, you know, we could still watch the game together.

As friends.

Jordan, just go.

I'll call you.

♪ What makes the world roll round? ♪

(scoffs)

What's wrong with you?

(mutters)

Sick.

Damn.

(laughing)

Did you hear it, too?

DICK: I thought that was you.

No, that was... That was you.

Damn. (clears throat)

Think about it, America-- me and Jordan...

(passes gas)

(sniggering)

(clears throat)

You went to the, uh, commissary?

(sniggering) You went to the--

Huh.

Captioned by Visual Data