Original subtitles

(theme music playing)

DR. LYONS: Unfortunately,

the Clomid didn't do the job,

so I'm going to give you a drug called Pergonal.

Pergonal? Is that a stronger pill?

Well, it's stronger, but it's not a pill.

It's an injectable.

Oh.

You mean a shot?

Correct.

Bernie, he means a shot.

I can't be taking no shots. (mutters)

My wife, she's a little afraid of needles.

Is it going to hurt?

Well, yes.

It's a shot.

(chuckling)

So you'll have an injection

once a day, and--

BERNIE: Oh, oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

You mean to tell me that my wife

has to come here every day?

The injections are to be done at home.

Oh, someone's coming to the house.

DR. LYONS: Uh, no, either you or your husband

will give the injection.

Excuse me?

Wh-Wha-- husband?

Whose husband?

I-I-I-I can't do it.

I-I-I-I c-- I can't do it.

I ain't no doctor.

Hell, I don't even play one on TV.

How am I supposed to stick a needle in my wife?

Suppose I do it wrong...

nick a organ or something?

Poke her spleen?

No, no, no, no. This is messed up.

I-I-I-I can't do it, America.

Now, it's-it's really very, very simple.

You just-- you just stick the needle

into the skin just like that.

Now do you see? It's a very deliberate motion.

Don't be tentative.

You just stick it right on in.

Don't make little tiny pricks like that.

Just one...

one motion right like that,

and then just push the Pergonal right... right on in.

It's really very, very simple.

Did you see that, Wanda?

I got to lay down.

I don't know how my baby can get used to that.

Is that somebody's Botox?

Can I put it in the lips?

(Bernie laughing)

WANDA: What is it?

Oh, okay. Squeeze on in there, baby.

All right. Mm.

Here. I made this for you.

Oh, thank you, sweetheart.

I wish I had a purple suit like this.

But who's the fat lady?

It's Aunt Wanda, but she's not fat.

She's pregnant.

Oh...

Well, now that gives me something

to look forward to.

Aw, thank you, sugar.

Now, this is about as sweet as you.

Why do I got to be so pregnant, though?

Nice...

if you like cave art.

Maybe later you can show me how to make fire.

I don't see you going around

doing nice things for people.

That was nice of you, sweetheart.

That's why you're my favorite. Bernie, that's awful.

We don't have no favorites. Come on.

I do.

Come on.

Time for your fix.

Wait, you're actually going through with this?

You're going to let him give you a shot every day?

No pain, no gain. (chuckles)

BERNIE: Come on. (whispering) Pray for me.

Okay, what are you doing?

Stick me.

Come on. Just a second.

Wish my sister was here.

She's good with needles...

and pipes, too.

Would you stick me already?

Don't worry!

Why you got to be such a...

(screams) Whoa!

You know what else I can't get used to, America?

Side effects.

See, some drugs make you queasy.

Others give you headaches

or dry mouth.

But this...

Old cartoons are the best, I'm telling you.

I know. (sobbing)

Aunt Wanda, why are you crying?

Because...

there's no more mayonnaise.

I can't eat a sandwich

without mayonnaise.

It-- it just...

it don't taste the same.

America, this drug makes her crazy.

Nut house crazy.

Cousin Scooney, "you like to hide

in the basement" crazy.

This stuff right here.

VANESSA: Have you guys thought about

what it would be like if Uncle Bernie

and Aunt Wanda had a baby?

I'm gonna be a big sister.

Yeah, you keep scarfing down those cookies,

and you'll be a real big sister...

but you'll still only be the baby's cousin.

Uh-uh, Uncle Bernie said

I'm gonna be a big sister.

He said that I would be

the best big sister ever.

Yeah, well, I'm going to be a cousin...

a distant, distant cousin,

'cause I'm not letting any baby cramp my style.

What style?

JORDAN: My "not smelling like poo" style.

'Cause I'm definitely not changing any diapers.

I'm not getting puked on,

burped on or peed on.

But you have fun.

Don't you think it's going to be fun?

(giggling)

♪ Do the tighten up... ♪

BRYANA: Uncle Bernie, don't forget

my play on Thursday.

Oh, you're the lead.

I wouldn't miss it for nothing in the world.

♪ Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo... ♪ WANDA: Oh, honey?

BERNIE: Hmm? The baby's doctor's appointment is Thursday.

Oh, well, maybe we'll get one of the teachers

to take a picture.

♪ Doo-doo-doo doo-doo ♪

♪ Doo, doo ♪

(Wanda speaking baby talk)

Yeah. It'll be great.

I was hoping this...

would be the last of my doing this.

I really don't enjoy doing it.

What are you complaining about?

What, do you think I like being a pincushion?

(sighs)

Sorry, honey.

I don't know where these things come from.

It's like I open my mouth,

and this awful person is...

talking through it.

Sorry.

Well, sweetheart, I know it's the drugs.

I know that.

If it wasn't, I would've been calling a priest.

That's funny.

(gasps) Ooh.

There you go.

This'll be the last month of this.

You'll see.

Come here.

Come on.

(whines)

It's okay.

It's okay.

I love you.

(upbeat music playing)

SINGER: ♪ Let's tighten it up now ♪

♪ Do the tighten up ♪

♪ Everybody can do it now ♪

♪ So get to it ♪

♪ We're gonna tighten up ♪

♪ Let's do the tighten up ♪

♪ You can do it now ♪

♪ So baby, get to it ♪

♪ Look to your left now ♪

♪ Look to your right ♪

♪ Everybody can do it ♪

♪ But don't you get too tight♪

Ooh.

SINGER: ♪ Come on and tighten up ♪

♪ Let's tighten it up now ♪

♪ Let's tighten it up now ♪

♪ Tighten it up ♪

So...

what you're saying is it's...

not gonna happen? DR. LYONS: I'm saying that

with the course of action

we're currently taking,

it doesn't look likely.

Look here, Doc, we tried shots,

pills, inseminations,

and all sorts of things.

Is there any other course we can take?

In vitro. BERNIE: Like, you mean

test-tube baby?

Well...

we don't like to call it that anymore,

but, uh, yes.

DR. LYONS: You'll discontinue taking the shot you normally do,

but we'll add one more drug

that needs to be injected.

This causes multiple eggs to drop.

Unfortunately...

it also has a certain side effect.

What sort of side effect?

DR. LYONS: Well, it's been known

to make women act a little...

irrational.

I'm used to that.

(whispers) Better watch it.

DR. LYONS: In any event, at ovulation,

instead of doing an insemination,

we will harvest the eggs

and fertilize them in a lab.

The embryos are then implanted

in the lining of Wanda's uterus,

and you'll carry them to term

like any normal mother.

(sighs)

Normal?

Sounds about as normal

as cloning a sheep.

We want a love child, America,

not a science project.

Mm-mm.

You know what, Doc?

My wife, she's been through a lot...

and I think we...

need to go home and think on this one.

I understand. You go home and discuss it.

We'll take a breath this month,

and if you decide to do the in vitro,

we'll start the new drug

at the start of your next cycle.

Okay?

Okay.

Thank you, Doc.

DR. LYONS: You're welcome.

(dishes clattering)

What?

What, you think this is a magical experience

and the dishes just wash themselves?

"Magical experience"? What are you talking about?

You know damn well what I'm talking about.

Come on, now, I work hard.

Is it too much for me to come home

and expect you not to hand me a glass?

Um...

sorry? (sighs) Ungrateful...

What you think this is, a five-star hotel

with room service?

I'll tell you where your five-star hotel is.

It's right there on the corner, honey.

$899 a night.

It's the drugs.

I heard Uncle Bernie say that they're turning her

into a wack-a-doo.

I saw her get mad at the fat lady from The View.

It'll all get better once they get pregnant, though.

(scoffs)

You guys just don't get it, do you?

Once they get pregnant, things'll be worse.

What do you mean?

Look, I didn't want to have to tell you guys this,

but you need to be prepared.

A baby changes everything. Like how?

VANESSA: Like things'll be different.

You won't be Uncle Bernie's

cute little favorite Baby Girl

if they have their own baby girl.

(snickers)

Now you know how I feel.

VANESSA: I don't know what you're laughing at.

If it's a boy, Uncle Bernie won't even

remember you're here.

I've been through this before,

twice.

A baby changes everything.

Baby, what are you doing?

Nothing. You are.

You're over-cleaning.

And every time you over-clean,

you either do that when something

is bothering you or when you're drunk,

and I don't smell any mojitos.

I'm ovulating, okay?

I'm ovulating and we're wasting it.

We're not wasting it.

We decided to take a month off.

WANDA: What if this is the good egg, okay?

And what if this is the only one

that ever works?

I wouldn't worry too much about it.

This egg probably does just like the rest of 'em.

What?

WANDA: You know, I don't,

I don't...

I don't know what to do.

You know?

Do we really want to go through this?

I can't decide that.

You have to decide that.

But I kinda got used to the fact that

I want to have a little kid running around here.

A little mini Mac sort of thing, you know?

Yeah, I have, too.

You know, it's just this in-vitro stuff.

It doesn't exactly scream

"love child," you know?

Sweetheart, any child we have

is going to be a love child...

because we're going to love it.

All right, I will call Dr. Lyons

and make an appointment tomorrow.

Shoot, baby.

I'm thinking about making an appointment right now,

if you get my drift.

(bell ringing)

Another C-minus.

Jordan, is everything all right at home?

I think so. Why?

TEACHER: Well, I scheduled a parent-teacher conference

with your aunt and uncle for last night,

but they didn't show.

They didn't?

Didn't call today, either.

That's not like them.

I assume something came up.

(upbeat music playing)

BERNIE: Yeah, baby!

Yeah, baby!

(Wanda and Bernie giggle)

Yeah, they were busy,

real busy.

I can't believe how much I lucked out.

Two C-minuses and I didn't even get in trouble.

Congratulations.

Uncle Bernie and Aunt Wanda

officially don't care about you anymore.

Oh, why'd you have to ruin it?

They still care about me.

Aunt Wanda, can you cut the crust

off my sandwich?

Oh, come on, sweetie, now, you can do that yourself.

You're not a baby anymore, okay?

See you later.

Am, too.

VANESSA: See?

It's starting already

and they're not even pregnant yet.

BERNIE: Wanda!

Yo, Wanda, babe!

Where are you, honey?

Wanda?

Wanda, come on, baby,

we got to go see Dr. Lyons.

Wanda?

Hey, baby,

didn't you hear me calling you?

Hmm?

Come on. We got to go.

What? Uh...

uh, no, no, no, we're not going.

What?

I peed on the stick

and it's blue.

Like, I just,

I woke up this morning and I-I just knew.

(upbeat music playing)

I mean...

I mean-- I mean, you...

we're...? (laughs)

SINGER: ♪ When you wish upon a star ♪

What that mean?

Well, honey, according to the box,

when it's a blessing, it's blue.

It means I'm pregnant.

(stifled sob)

That's what it means.

Aw...

Oh, baby, I'm so happy for...

SINGER: ♪ Shining bright to see ♪

That's right, America.

Wanda and I are going to have

our own love child after all.

See, turns out

the only fertility drug we needed

was a love drug called Bernie Mac.

My potency will not be denied.

Oh, man.

Wait a minute.

Oh, Lord.

America...

I'm going to be a daddy.

Hey, Nessa,

you feel like handing your uncle a glass?

(upbeat music over radio)

You want one, Aunt Wanda?

Uh, no, thank you, sweetie.

SINGER: ♪ Go find somebody ♪

♪ Come join the party ♪

♪ Go grab somebody ♪

Mm, thank you, baby.

Hi.

You're pregnant, aren't you?

No.

A little.

Okay, a lot. Can you believe it?

Wow. Congratulations.

Thank you.

Well, I guess we're all in

for a few changes around here.

Does anyone else know?

No, and don't you tell nobody.

Sorry.

A little hormonal.

I'm glad you know.

And it feels good to share it.

But until I'm out of the danger zone,

I don't want to tell your sister or your brother, okay?

Sure.

She's pregnant.

(door opens)

Hi, Wanda. Hi.

I just spoke with the specialist

and he agrees with my diagnosis.

That, that I'm not pregnant?

Oh, come on. I took the test. It said...

DOCTOR: I know. It's common.

The medical term is "chemical pregnancy."

What does that mean?

Wanda, I don't want to upset you any more.

You can't right now, okay?

Okay.

What happens is you actually have a fertilized egg,

but it doesn't adhere...

Stop.

DOCTOR: I'm sorry.

Yeah, me, too.

Let me give you some time.

I just need a minute.

Okay.

(crickets chirping)

That feels nice.

Thank you, honey.

You know, I just,

I can't go on with this story.

You're such a sweet man, honey.

I didn't even ask you

how are you feeling about this whole thing.

BERNIE: A little sad, you know?

Every man want a son.

Someone he can teach a joke or, you know,

teach him how to throw a curveball.

You know what, Wanda? It'd be nice

to have a little man walk around the house.

WOMAN (narrating on TV): There was a little Wilbur,

looking for his family.

PENGUIN (on TV): I'm so alone.

Help me find my mommy and my daddy...

Jordan, do you think it's true

what Vanessa said about me

not being Uncle Bernie's favorite anymore?

Oh, who cares? At least you were his favorite.

All right, come on. Let's go, kids.

Time to go to bed, let's wash up

and get ready for bed. Let's go.

What?

Up.

Up what? Up like you used to.

Baby Girl, I ain't upped you since you was half that size.

And now you're 10 year old.

You're too big.

Come on. You, too.

Want to go fishing tomorrow?

No. Let's go.

Up?!

(upbeat music playing)

Morning, Uncle Bernie.

Good morning, Baby Girl.

Ow!

Baby Girl, what's wrong with you?

You trying to rupture me?

But you always used to let me sit on your lap.

You're too big for that now!

Save it for Santa Claus when you go to the mall.

And give him a warning first.

But am I still your Baby Girl?

What?

"Are you still my--"? (crash)

What the?!

Damn kids!

It's my Ernie Banks ball.

Jordan!

Jordan!

Jordan,

what the heck's wrong with you, boy,

huh?

I can't throw a curveball.

BERNIE: The heck with your doggone curveball!

You threw my Mr. Cub

and broke my doggone window.

Talking about you can't throw a curveball.

Must be crazy. You know what?

I got...

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Jordan...

did you overhear me and your aunt

talking last night?

I'll be danged.

America, I feel terrible.

I didn't mean...

I mean, I don't want the boy to feel...

And Baby Girl--

no wonder those kids acting so crazy.

Here we were so focused on having a baby,

that we were neglecting the kids

we already have.

America...

I'm sorry.

So we might as well set the record straight.

Oh, great, here it comes.

They're getting rid of us.

What? Why would you say that?

Yeah?

I mean, come on, you guys.

It's been four years.

We're a family.

You're all our kids.

We love you all, too.

JORDAN: But what about those things

I heard you say last night?

Look, Jordan,

you're never gonna be a Barry Bonds.

But guess what?

Barry Bonds is never gonna be a Jordan.

Jordan, you have some special qualities about you

that I only hope if I ever had a son,

I would like him to have the same ones.

Can I teach him magic?

Nope, but you can teach him how to be

a great person.

So, obviously,

everyone knows I'm not pregnant.

Straight? Any more concerns?

BRYANA: Am I still your Baby Girl?

If you live to be a million and two.

We cool?

Yeah, we're good.

BERNIE: Good.

Wanda and I meant every word we said

to those kids.

They're not for sale.

But that don't mean things

ain't gonna change around here.

Let's go for a ride.

Hey, you see that little, uh, fair

they got down there?

With the roller-coaster

that goes all the way up,

then it come all the way down, real--

(imitates whooshing)

Shoots down like that, then--

(imitates whooshing)

Zoom, zoom, zigzags and everything.

(imitates whooshing)

can I do like Botox

and put it in her lip?

DR. LYONS: No. Uh, that's not quite right.

You need to put it in the arm

or any-- any place that has

a lot of muscle-- Or throat. Can I--

No, you don't want to put it in her throat.

You could-- you could kill her, actually,

if you did that wrong. So you just--

Give me a couple. Give me a couple of them.

You want to try it? Yeah.

Okay, here. (man shouts in distance)

You said it'd kill her?

(chuckles)

Well, uh, if,

if there was a mistake, you could--

(man shouting in distance) (chuckling)

Captioned by Visual Data