All language subtitles for The.Bernie.Mac.Show.S05E13.Exercise.in.Fertility.Part.1.1080p.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-squalor_track3_[eng]

(theme music playing)

Here you go, baby.

How do you feel?

At the moment?

Like a pretzel.

Sweetheart, does that
stuff really work?

(loud exhale)

Well, we've been
trying for months

and if it increases
my chances one percent,

it's worth it.
BERNIE: Mm.

Well, I ain't
gonna lie to you,

I like the view now.
Yeah, yeah, whatever.

You just remember
we've got to do it again

in three hours.

What?

Come on now, Wanda.

I ain't 19
no more. Shoot.

I mean, it takes me time
to recharge my battery.

You better go plug
yourself in

'cause we on a schedule.

Wanda and I are
trying to make a baby.

"Trying" is the operative word.

It ain't happening so easy.

We been at it for about
a few months now

and things are starting to get
a little tense around here.

So I'm going to ask you all
a little favor.

Please keep it to yourself.

Because until one
of these suckers

turn up positive,

we're not telling anybody,

including the kids.

Michael.
Oh, honey,

I've always liked
the name Michael.

BERNIE:
That's too common.

You call out to Michael

and 20 heads would turn around.

What about Steven?

You plan on having a white boy?

Okay, so what names
do you have?

You know what, Wanda?

What?
I was just thinking,

if it was a boy,

I would love to name him
Elister after my uncle.

WANDA: Oh, that's sweet.

Honey, what if it comes
back negative again?

You know what, Wanda?

You've got to start
thinking positive.

Once you start
thinking positive,

I guarantee you
it's going to show up

on that stick
in the morning.

I just hope that
I don't have to keep--

What?

I just needed...

I couldn't breathe.

Ah. I'm better.

Okay.

I ain't--

(toilet bowl flushing)

I'm so sorry, sweetheart.

I was positive it would
be positive this time.

Me, too.
Come here.

Sweetheart, you sure
you're doing everything right?

Come on, Bernie,
I know how to pee

on a stick correctly.

I mean, I'm known
to miss the bowl

on several occasions,
a double stream...

(chuckles)

Honey, it's not funny.

Oh, come on, you have
to admit that was funny.

Ha, ha, ha.

Oh, come on,
there's got to be

one of these
you don't want.

Have you guys noticed
Uncle Bernie and Aunt Wanda

have been acting
strange lately?

Not really.

But I try not to notice them

as much as possible.

I have.
Every time I walk in,

they stop talking.

Maybe they're talking about you.

No, they weren't laughing.

Maybe they're fighting.

They've been married forever.

Do you think they're
gonna get a divorce?

Don't be ridiculous.

Oh, cool!

I love MC Hammer.

Thanks.

Hey, baby.

Hmm.

It's gonna be all right.

It'll be different next month.

You wait and see.

It's going to be
different, hear?

Okay...

your dealer takes one.

Uh-huh, yeah,
he's bluffing.

Yeah, okay, bluffing.

Uh-huh, we'll see.

Honey?
BERNIE: Hmm?

Can I talk to you?
Sure. start talking.

In private.

Yeah, when I get
through playing this hand.

I said now.
BERNIE: Why the heck
you want to wait

and start talking to me
when I got a full house?

Oh, yeah, thank you
very much, Mrs. Mac.

Thank you.
Yeah, thank you, Ms. Mac.

You're welcome.

I'll be,
I'll be right back.

I would go, man.
Almost had me.

And, Kelly, get out of my chips,

right now, right now.

Hey, man, you better go
deal with the boss.

I'm the boss.

I'm the boss.

(laughter and hooting)

Let's see what he had.

What?
Honey, why are
you playing cards?

It's Saturday night.
I always play poker

on Saturday night.
Honey,
we're on a schedule.

Come on, pal, let's go.

Wait, baby,
can we miss a session?

Hold on,
hold on, hold on.

Um, fellas,
can you deal me out?

For how long, man?

Uh, three to 45 minutes.

Oh, maybe an hour tops.

(laughter)

All right, I guess
the chips are mine.
There you go, buddy.

COMMENTATOR: (indistinct)
continues to work inside--

Come on, come on,
how about a right, man?

Left!
COMMENTATOR (over TV): --and
another right hook to the body

Uppercut, right there.

Right, yeah, yeah.

Hit him in the ribs.

Break his ribs.

WANDA:
Bernie!

COMMENTATOR (over TV):
Another right, another left.

Turn it back right now.

Turn it back.
JORDAN: Can't.

Knocked out
in the eighth round.

Yeah?

Damn.

The announcer
said it was better

than the "No Mas" fight.

Whatever that means.

No kidding.

(alarm beeping)

(upbeat music playing)

(groans)

Oh, honey, stop.
Come on.

(whimpering)

Yeah, baby.

I never thought I'd be
saying this, America,

but Bernie Mac doesn't wanna

make love no more.

I want to sleep,

play poker.

I don't want to miss
the best fight

of the decade.

I don't know how much more

I could take of this.

It's too much.

I don't have any
body fluids left.

You wouldn't know it,

but, America,

I'm crying right now.

WANDA:
Bernie!

Excuse me, America.

Booty calls.

(sighs)

It's not gonna happen.

It is never going to happen.

Sweetheart, chillax.

It is gonna happen.

How do you keep saying
this month after month?

Aren't you the least
bit concerned?

I'm very concerned.

Come here, baby.

Please?

Come here.

It's gonna happen.

It's got to happen.

America, I feel
so bad for my wife.

See, she wants this baby
more than anything,

and I know this is gonna
sound a little horrible,

but every time the test
comes back negative,

part of me
is a little bit relieved,

just a little bit.

See, each time we do it,

it's like writing a check.

That's right.
It's like I'm writing

a little check.

And when Wanda
cashes that check,

my life is gonna forever change.

I mean, it's gonna be different.

And I like my life, America.

And I don't want it to change.

Where the hell are my Calvins?

Wanda?

Wanda?

I wish you'd quit
trading my Calvins

for these fatties.
WANDA: Honey,

tight underwear isn't good

for when you're trying.

What?
Your stuff needs
room to breathe.

You know what? You are
really going overboard

with this stuff.
There's a lot of things

that we can do
to improve our chances.

Here.

Thank you.
WANDA: You're welcome.

(gasps)

My God!

This ain't no coffee.

Honey,
it's Irish moss.

Ew.
It tastes like cat pee.

WANDA:
It's good for fertility.

I'll tell you what else
is good for fertility.

Me willing to make
love to you again.

Now you keep it up,
you hear me?

Wanda, I'm telling you,
you just keep it up.

Bernie.

Is everything okay?

Uh, yeah,

everything's great.

Excuse me.

Hey.

I'm sorry I snapped
at you earlier.

I know.

And I know
you're frustrated

and all that tension

and worry can't
be good for you.

You've got to learn
how to chillax.

Especially what
we're trying to do.

Here,

take this.

You think I should
be drinking alcohol?

Baby, alcohol is the number
one cause of pregnancy.

Plus, it's the good stuff.

Take this.

Mm.

This is good.

Thank you.

(glasses clink)

It's only the beginning.

Come on.

I'll help you relax.

WANDA: Ooh.

Come on.

WANDA: Uh-oh,
you've got that look.

♪ It must have took ♪

Come on, baby, chillax.

And you're singing
old music, too?

Hey, no hollering.

SINGER: Oh, my sweet babe.

Oh!

That's nice.

SINGER: I love you.

Oh, honey.

Yeah.

(gasps) Hey,
what are you doing?

Figure I'm gonna join you.

I've got a lot
of tension on me.

I'm gonna soak with you.

Honey, no, you're
going to cook 'em.

What are you talking about?

The hot water changes
your sperm count.

Wanda, stop it.

There's nothing wrong
with my sperm count.

What's gotten into you?

Nothing that's
gotten me pregnant.

What she say?

So you're saying
it's my fault now?

No, it's nobody's fault.

But obviously, honey,
something's wrong, okay?

Let's just be on
the same page here, okay?

All right?

I mean, all that means is...

loose underwear,
you know?

No hot tubs, no steam,

no horseback riding.

Horseback riding?

America, that woman
plumb lost her mind.

I heard about crazy behavior

once they've gotten pregnant,

but before?

WANDA: No, honey,
it's nobody's fault, okay?

And by you getting
in this hot water

and cooking like a potato

isn't going to help it.

Why would she say that to him?

Hold on a sec.

What?
I heard Aunt Wanda

and Uncle Bernie fighting again.

She was yelling.

I'm sure he did
something to deserve it.

So anyway--
She was mad

because he didn't catch her egg.

Her egg?
She said she drops
one egg a month

and he better catch it.

Let me call you back.

Okay, tell me exactly
what you heard.

Well, I went up
to their door

so I could hear them...

Bernie?

Bernie?

What?

I want you to do me a favor.

I'm not drinking
no cat pee.

Okay.

I want you to get tested.

What? Me?

Why do I got
to get tested for?

You trying to say,
Wanda, it's my fault?

It takes two to tango.

Honey, they always test
the men first, okay?

It's just easier.

All you have to do is do

what you normally do,
but in a cup.

Oh, my God.

You hear her, America?

Blaming me

because she can't get pregnant!

Putting it on my count.

It ain't right.

You can trash talk
a lot of things,

but don't talk badly
about a man's count.

Can't be me.

Uh!

(growls)

(shrieks)

Ooh!

Do you think?

Do you think
I'm ruining 'em, America?

Where is Wanda
and that cat pee?

Mr. Mac?

BERNIE: Here.

Here we are at the grotto.

Here's your cup.

If you need a visual aid,
there's some magazines

in the drawer.

No need.

We used to have
some adult videos,

but somebody stole them.

The TV works so you may be able

to find an exercise show.

Please, I don't need anything.

Thank you.

NURSE: Oh, lighten up.

Now, once you finish
the dirty deed,

place the lid
back on tightly

and leave it on the desk
outside the bathroom.

Any questions?
Yes.

When are you gonna leave?

Now.

Thank you.

SINGER: ♪ Whatever it is,
you got to ♪

♪ As long as it pleases you ♪

♪ Make it last as long-- ♪

America!

How do we come to this?

I mean, making a baby

is supposed to be
a beautiful thing.

Conceived in love,

the fruit of a union.

No one said nothing
about robbing a man

of his dignity.

No one.

(chuckles)

Hey, baby, what's wrong?

You look like you got the blues.

I'll have sex with you.

What's the point?

Your lab results
came in today.

Uh-oh.

Oh, no.

America, do you know
what this means?

The Mac man's barren.

I'm shooting blanks.

Got me an air hose.

(sobbing)

Wow,

according to these numbers,

I'm normal.
No, Bernie,

you're not normal.

What?

Your count is so enormous,

you're able
to impregnate everybody.

Hey, hey!

What do you know about that?

That's great.

Yeah.
BERNIE: That's good news.

So why you so upset?

We know it can't be me.

Oh.

I'm sorry.

So I made an appointment

with the doctor tomorrow.

Well, that's good.

I'm quite sure
it's something simple.

It could be just
something little minor,

some clogs or something.

(sobbing)

What?

I was trying to help.

I'm not a doctor.

I don't know
the medical terminology

for clog.

Damn.

I should have said "blockage"

or "stuck,"

"jammed,"

"full."

Maybe her bird just can't fly.

Hello?

Uncle Bernie?

(groans)

Don't come up in here
looking for no snacks.

Aunt Wanda will
be here shortly.

Dinner will be ready.

Maybe we should eat
what we can before

the baby gets here.

Excuse me?

Don't try and front.

I found the home pregnancy test.

And I heard Aunt Wanda
talking about her eggs.

What me and Aunt Wanda does
is none of your business.

And number two,
you all need

to stay out of our bathroom.

How could you not talk
to us about this?

I don't need no permission
to talk to you

about any doggone thing.

And I'm not discussing it
with you all any longer.

Hey, what's going on?

We found out you guys
are having a baby.

And if we're really
a part of this family,

then we should be included
in decisions that affect us.

Oh, I'll give you something
to affect you, all right.

Honey, calm down, okay?

Uh, you know what?

You have a point
and you guys have nothing

to worry about.

We're not having a baby.

What?

What are you talking about?

Yes, we are having a baby.

Actually, honey,
no, we're not.

Well, now
that that's over,

what's for dinner?

(upbeat music playing)

(door closes)

Hey, man, what was
that all about?

And what did the doctor say?

(sighs)

The tests came back

and they're inconclusive.

What does that mean?

It means they don't know

what's wrong
with me, basically.

There must be
something they can do.

Well, yeah, you know,

there's things
that can be done.

I mean, um...

I could take fertility drugs,

um, there's shots,

inseminations

and constant monitoring.

And you know what?

I'm just not sure
that either one of us

is really ready to do that.

You know, I guess

it's not meant
for everyone

to have kids
of their own.

Man.

America,

remember when I told you

that when those pregnancy tests

came back negative,

I was a little bit relieved?

I don't feel like that.

This hurts.

Up until now the idea

of having a baby,

I couldn't really wrap my mind

around it, you know?

But now?

The idea of never
having a baby?

Oh.

Or not being able to have?

That I can't wrap
my heart around.

America,

I never thought
I'd feel like this.

Sweetheart,

we're having this baby.

Bernie, please.

Come here.

Come here, come here.

Look here.

If you don't wanna go
through the process for you,

then that's okay.

But if you don't want
to go through it

because you think I don't
want to go through it,

then you're wrong.

Now, I know I've been difficult.

And I've come to the realization

I want this child.

Straight up, and I'm
gonna be by your side.

Are you sure?

BERNIE: Let me tell
you something.

Shots, pills,

inseminations, voodoo,

it doesn't matter.

I'm going to be
right by your side.

I needed to hear
you say that.
BERNIE: Come here.

SINGER: ♪ So darlin',
darlin', stand-- ♪

WANDA: Thank you.
SINGER: ♪ --by me ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Stand by me ♪

Hmm.

Medical purposes.

Mind yours.

Mr. Mac, you forgot
your magazines.

Keep 'em!

Cool.

Captioned by Visual Data