Original subtitles

(theme music playing)

You know, none of this would happen

if you just bought me a car.

You know what, maybe you're right.

So I could run you over,

and get charged for manslaughter.

I can see myself telling the judge,

"Yes, Your Honor, I did it, I did it,

but I didn't know the brakes was faulty."

(phone ringing)

Hello.

Yeah, this is Bernie Mac.

Tasha?

No, I don't remember you.

Oh, Sarah Brown's your grandmother.

Yeah, you know,

you're the one who used to sit on top of my car

all the time...

Tasha?

Is this really you?

America, what is it with teenage girls?

You think they like drama?

Get some kind of charge

out of pushing folks' buttons?

Well, I can push back.

You know.

(dog barking)

BERNIE: This is good.

Can I watch TV now?

No, I want you to go,

and I want you to rewrite this.

So you can read it more clear.

And especially for your teacher

to read it more clear, okay?

Okay.

Hey, honey. Hey, baby.

Dinner will be ready in ten.

Okay.

Oh, could you do me a favor?

Hmm? Could you go downstairs

and get the foldaway bed for me, please?

What, you anticipating

a fight I'm going to lose or something?

It's not for you, silly.

It's for Vanessa's friend Tasha.

Isn't she in Chicago?

Not this week.

She's visiting her aunt

and she's going to spend a couple days with us.

You see that?

America, Nessa been home all afternoon.

I mean, had plenty of chances

to ask me anything she wants.

But no, she thinks she's slick.

Figures she'll ask Aunt Wanda,

'cause see, she's the weak link.

The girl really working my nerve, America,

with her teenage boo.

Aw, Wanda, come on.

I don't know about all that,

rewarding Nessa right now.

You know, all her grades are slipping.

She's not where she's supposed to be.

She's talking back.

I don't know. I don't think that's a good idea.

I really don't.

You know, it's her best friend

from Chicago.

Come on, this is a once-in-a-lifetime

kind of thing,

okay? Yeah.

Plus, I've already said it was okay.

I figured that.

But I tell you what--

if I catch her sitting on my car,

I'm going to beat her like she's one of mine.

Three...

four...

five...

six...

What are you doing?

Pumping up the pythons.

Why?

Because...

Vanessa's friend Tasha's coming back from Chicago.

So when she gets here,

I want her to see how cool I've gotten

so she can report back to the old crew.

Crew? I thought you didn't have any friends.

I wouldn't expect you to remember anyway.

If you don't mind, and even if you do,

I have stuff to do, so bye-bye.

Get out of here.

Vamanos. Adios, muchacha.

Wait, wait, Ricky is hot now?

Ricky? Yeah, girl. His skin cleared up

and he came back from juvie all buff.

Juvie?

What'd he get locked up for?

Uncle Bernie, Tasha and I

have a lot of catching up to do.

Come on, I'll show you my room.

Hang on a sec.

Mr. Mac? Yes?

My auntie wanted you to have this.

You know, to thank you for letting me visit.

Oh, wow! Thank you.

It's German chocolate.

One of my favorites.

Uncle Bernie?

Yeah, baby?

I was just hoping...

and, you know, Tasha is a really big Usher fan.

The biggest.

And you know he's in town. No, I didn't know.

Could you get us Usher tickets, please?

Do you believe this girl?

I mean, talks to me like dirt,

goes behind my back,

treat me like a servant.

Now she gets her friend to give me a cake.

And she thinks I'll just forget about it?

She can just con me with confection?

Butter me up with butter cream?

Well, they can scheme all they want, people,

but I sure as hell ain't rewarding it.

So to that, America,

my answer is...

No. No?

You know I don't stutter.

Told you. Mm-hmm.

You told her what?

What'd she tell her?

Well...

Thank you.

See, now they're all mad

'cause I saw through their little game.

Well, I'm sure they're going to come up with something else.

It's going to be a long weekend, America.

But I tell you what...

(sniffing)

Mmm...

Hey.

this some good-ass cake though.

I mean damn good.

(humming tune)

VANESSA: He only said no to the concert

because he hates me.

Well, I wish someone would hate me enough

to buy me my own computer.

Shoot, this thing runs circles

around the ones at the library.

Chi town in the house.

I know that ain't Jordan.

Look at you all big and handsome.

Well, you know.

I bet you got girls all over you.

Well, I'm still playing the field.

So, how's Deshaun?

Is he still hang out with Smert

and Little Ray and them?

Pretty much.

Hey, Tasha...

Oh, you remember our gin game.

I also remember that

it was 423 to 302.

Mine.

Not after this weekend.

All right, then.

I'm fixin' to bounce.

I got to check my messages.

Drove me out.

I know you don't plan on leaving

and leaving your bed like that.

Uncle Bernie, I don't have time.

Tasha and I have a very big day planned.

And you're going to start by making up your bed.

Hop to it.

(upbeat music playing)

Hey, don't touch that.

That's valuable art.

I know. It's Bakota.

Bakota?

You know about Bakota?

Yeah, I took an appreciation class

at Northwestern last summer.

Wow, was it for community service?

No. I just like it.

Besides, it will look great

on the college application. Yeah.

College application.

Uh, that don't sound

like any teenager I know.

And "appreciate"

ain't even in Nessa's vocabulary.

Hmm?

Hmm...

So graceful, yet strong.

That's what I love about Bakota statuary.

Me, too.

They're so doggone graceful and strong.

This actually is my favorite.

Oh, that's Yorba.

Yorba?

They're a different tribe.

Yeah, this is nice.

They were really faithful with the reproduction.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, yeah.

This was a gift.

Come on, Tasha. Let's go.

Nessa, did you make up your bed?

Yes, Uncle Bernie.

Girl, I can't believe

you have all this stuff in your house.

I've only seen this in museums.

You are so lucky.

This stuff creeps me out.

America.

Here I was thinking

that all teenagers came like Nessa,

but you know what, they don't.

Look at Tasha.

She's polite,

appreciates art,

talks to adults.

Face it, America,

she's delightful.

Hope some of her will rub off on Nessa.

Ooh, that would be real nice.

Wow, she's a delightful young lady.

Mm.

"Would you like some of this?"

"Thank you."

(chatting)

(giggling)

Okay, so what'd you think of Muscle Beach?

Pretty wild, huh?

Insane.

I got two dozen socks

for four dollars.

Afternoon, ladies.

Ugh, you stink.

I wouldn't expect you to recognize

Top Shelf Cologne.

And I won't allow you

to make my room smell like Bigfoot.

Hey, hands off the guns!

So, Tasha... Out!

(high-pitched) Ow! (deep voice) I mean, ow!

Let go of me! Get out.

JORDAN: Ow!

Your game's still off.

That's the second ten you've seen me pick up.

Wow, Miss Vi,

she still got that store over there by Water Tower?

And does she still sell those hot pickles?

I mean, Nessa, you used to be crazy

about those hot pickles.

With the peppermint in the center of them.

That was a check cashing place for the last four years.

You're kidding. Nope.

I guess they didn't want Boobie Green and them

to have to run so far after they robbed people.

Boobie Green.

(chuckles)

Gin. Wow.

I guess I should pay more attention.

Can we deal you in?

Sure. I want to play.

Come on. Deal me in.

I'm done.

Sure?

But you all play.

All right, I'll play.

But let me warn you, sister:

I'm a ba-ad man.

Mr. Mac? Hmm?

I just wanted you to know,

I really appreciate the way

you've welcomed me into your home.

Ah, that ain't nothing.

Hey, that don't get you off easy.

I'm still a ba-ad man.

Why'd you leave?

Why'd you stay?

It's a good thing I did.

'Cause guess what?

Your uncle got us Usher tickets.

We're going to the concert.

He did?

Yeah. Isn't he great?

Please. All he probably did

was pick up the phone and call his agent.

So? He still did it.

And I'm going to see my future baby daddy

live on stage

without commercial interruption.

Now, come on, help me pick out my outfit.

(upbeat music playing)

Hey, you all have a good time,

but don't forget,

be back by 11:00.

I know.

Okay.

When I say 11:00, doggone,

I mean 11:00 in this time zone!

We're sorry, Mr. Mac. We lost track of the time.

And Usher did another encore.

And I don't know what you're so worked up about.

We were only 20 minutes late.

Because 20 minutes of your minutes

is 80 minutes of mine.

Next time I tell you something, do it.

He is so... ugh!

Come on, Vanessa. We were late.

How can you take his side?

'Cause you're trippin'

and you have been since the minute I got here.

I mean...

look what you've got.

So you're saying he's great just because

he has a nice house and a pool?

Vanessa, it's me Tasha.

You know I don't trip like that.

He's great because he obviously cares about you.

But as soon as he comes around,

you turn into a total bitch.

You're all, "Leave me alone."

Yeah, well, you know what?

Right about now, alone sounds pretty good.

Oh.

So it's like that now?

Whatever.

(upbeat music playing)

When does Tasha arrive in Chicago?

Didn't she have a direct flight?

I don't know.

BERNIE: Bet you miss her already, huh?

Would you just leave me alone?

You know what?

I think maybe we sent the wrong girl back.

Just a thought...

America.

Just a thought.

(sigh)

Aunt Wanda?

Yeah?

Am I a total bitch?

Excuse me?

I mean, the way Uncle Bernie and I

are always fighting.

Is it my fault?

Not totally, no.

But maybe what the problem is

is that every time he says something to you,

you turn it into an attack.

So it is my fault?

I didn't say that.

Just...

be a little more open to him.

You know, a little more open

and less confrontational.

Maybe take an interest in him.

You think you might want to do that?

BERNIE: Ah , hey, thanks, baby.

You're welcome, honey.

Come on, sweetheart, you mind?

Oh, honey, just playing with you.

You're so cute.

Hey, Uncle Bernie.

Hey to yourself.

You want to watch a movie?

You'll probably like it.

It's old.

Oh-oh, oh-oh,

oh, here we go.

'Nessa up to her old tricks, America.

You know, I'm not as old as she makes me out to be,

but I'm no rookie, either.

(chuckles)

Oh, no. Yeah.

I got her faded.

Now, you and I both know

this ain't about no old movie.

So why don't you just come on out

and tell me what you really want?

Come on, 'Nessa.

What you really want?

Why can't you ever...?

You know what? Forget it.

Forget I even asked.

Forget it.

(humming)

What?

Sometimes you're just impossible.

What'd I do?

She was trying to be nice to you.

You just attacked her.

I didn't touch her.

No, not right off the bat.

But you accused her

of having an ulterior motive.

She came in here, trying to do a better job

of getting along with you.

But I guess that's impossible.

(upbeat music playing)

I'm ready for my close-up, Mr. DeMille.

Huh?

Okay, I give up. What did I do now?

I guess I deserve that.

You know, 'Nessa, I didn't know

you really wanted to watch this film.

And I didn't know you knew about William Holden.

What you know about William Holden?

Who?

You don't know much about this movie, do you?

I know that it's in black and white

and that you can keep it five days instead of two

like they do with the new stuff. (chuckles)

She doesn't want to watch that movie, America.

She only got it 'cause she thought I'd like it.

She's making a real effort.

And I attacked her for it.

Damn.

You know, maybe this could be a start

of something new for us.

Excuse me, America.

I tell you what.

Let you and I forget about that old movie

and I take you to your favorite

French restaurant.

Oh, but Aunt Wanda's making dinner.

Oh, that's right.

Meat loaf.

Ugh.

I'll make reservations.

(French music playing)

(indistinct chatter)

(sighs heavily)

You feel a draft in here?

I feel a draft in here.

No?

It is to me.

This is like pulling teeth.

In fact,

I'd rather be at the dentist right now.

'Nessa and I ain't never been lost for words before.

Well, not if you count screaming at each other,

you know.

But...

(French music playing)

(gargling)

They say it's going to be cloudy all week.

You said that.

Yeah, I did, didn't I?

(chuckles)

Hey...

penny for your thought.

I was just thinking

that Aunt Wanda's meat loaf isn't that bad.

You hear her?

America, the nerve of that girl.

Well, she's right.

I eat the back of a raccoon's ass

to get out of here right now.

Pi-ong!

Check!

Just going to refill my drink

and then I'll leave you alone.

Uncle Bernie? Hmm?

You feel like playing a round of gin rummy?

I sure do.

Hey, but let me warn you.

I'm pretty doggone good.

I know. You're a ba-ad man.

Sit down.

You know something, America?

'Nessa and I...

will probably never have that chatty thing going on.

But this...

this speaks volume.

This speaks volume.

(upbeat music playing)

BACKUP SINGERS: ♪ Ain't no stopping us now ♪

♪ We've got groove ♪

Gin.

Four out of seven.

(chuckles)

All right.

Come on. Okay.

(chuckles)

I know you're not going to admit it, but...

I'm your mentor.

BACKUP SINGERS: ♪ Ain't no stopping us now ♪

♪ We've got groove ♪

SINGER: ♪ There's been so many things ♪

♪ That's held us down ♪

♪ But now it looks like things ♪

♪ Are finally comin' around ♪

Oh, P-boy.

You know, they don't call me that

out here anymore.

Maybe not in L.A., dawg,

but around here you're always going

to be P-boy.

Listen, I'm not scared of you anymore.

So you just be glad I'm not in Chicago

'caused I'd have to show you what's up.

Excuse me.

Kiss your sister for me. I'm out.

I showed him, didn't I, boy?

Didn't I, boy?

Yes, I did.

Captioned by Visual Data