Original subtitles

(theme music playing)

BERNIE: Come on, sweetheart, let's go!

I got your wrap. We'll be late for the PTA meeting.

Okay, honey. I'm coming.

Look at this. Isn't this great?

Hold this for me.

Poetry Slam. Nessa Tompkins.

First prize.

She has really got to be proud.

You know, I wish they would just share

more things like that with us.

Well, baby, things ain't falling through the cracks.

You're busy, I'm busy, they're busy. Come on.

FATHER: On the sixth, the bloodmobile will be here.

And now, once again, all families are encouraged

to attend the annual parish retreat

at the Wandering Glen Lodge.

WOMAN (murmuring): Wandering Glen Lodge?

"Wandering Glen provides a haven

for families away from the hubbub

of daily life."

And now, on with our raffle, Sister.

WANDA: Hey, Bernie, I think the retreat

would be a perfect place for the whole family

to get together. What do you think?

I'd rather hook myself up to the bloodmobile

for a whole month.

Wanda!

Baby girl! Nessa! Jordan!

Come on! We're going to do the Super Bowl shuffle.

Come on. I got three movies. Come on, now.

Honey, Jordan's at a sleepover,

and Vanessa is with her friend,

and so it's just the three of us.

What? I thought we were going to have

a special DVD movie night.

Well... Can I go back to my room?

You might as well.

(upbeat music playing)

See? Now, that's what I'm talking about.

Yeah. I see.

Everybody's just going their own way.

I tried, America.

I mean, look at this place.

It's better than a real movie theater.

We shouldn't have to force everyone together.

Since they're all gone,

we might as well make the best of it.

(stray kernels pops)

Honey? Mm-hmm?

I think we should go on that parish retreat.

What? You know, honey, I think

it would be good for the whole family.

You know? We'd get to enjoy the great outdoors,

get to play games and crafts.

Except for one thing, Wanda.

Bernie Mac don't do retreats.

But he does go to bed.

Look, America, I want to tighten this family up

as much as Wanda does,

but singing "Kumbaya"

and roasting weenies in the woods

never helped nobody.

Just gave them gas.

Yes, gas.

Wow.

That gives me an idea.

See? This is what I'm talking about.

A beautiful day.

Perfect for a family drive.

You don't need no woods.

All you need is an open doggone road.

That's all we need.

Am I right, kids?

(whimsical music playing)

(music stops)

Hey, what are you doing?

We have to see if Paulie the Penguin lives or dies.

You know he lives. You know it.

You've seen it 75 hundred thousand times.

No more movies, and no more headphones.

That's it.

(overlapping chatter)

BERNIE: Wanda, I swear to God,

I'm going to drive this car off the cliff,

and we're all going to be in hell together!

No, no, no, no, honey. I know what would help.

Keep your eyes on the road.

Okay, everybody, I have a song.

Here we go.

♪ Do your ears hang low ♪

♪ Do they wobble to and fro? ♪

♪ Can you tie them in a knot ♪

♪ Can you tie 'em in a bow? ♪

♪ Can you throw it over your shoulder ♪

♪ Like a Continental soldier? ♪

♪ Do your ears hang low? ♪

(pipe organ playing) America, this is crazy.

Even when we're together, we're not together.

This is beyond the power

of Bernie Mac, America.

We're going to have to go one step higher.

We're calling on You, Lord,

at the family retreat.

No TV, no radio,

no cell phone.

Just us and nature,

the way You intended it.

Great! No TV, no radio,

no cell phone, just us.

Oh, Lord, why You forsake me?

(thunder rumbling)

FATHER: If I could have your attention?

(indistinct chatter)

Welcome to Wandering Glen.

I know you're all expecting

a weekend of fun and frolic

in the great outdoors,

but it seems the Good Lord had other plans.

(thunder rumbles)

And who are we to argue?

I don't want to argue.

I just want to leave. Ow!

FATHER: So, just as Jesus

suffered the thorny crown,

we must endure the dankness

of this place.

And now, without further ado,

I'd like to turn the weekend over

to our retreat facilitators,

Father Roger

and Sister Jane.

Hi, everybody! Hey, everybody!

BOTH: And one, two, three.

♪ Howdy, neighbor ♪

♪ Pleased to meet ya ♪

JANE: ♪ Sister Jane ♪ ROGER: ♪ Father Roger ♪

BOTH: ♪ We're here to greet ya ♪

JANE: ♪ And don't forget our neighbor above ♪

Now I want to go home. BOTH: ♪ He's gonna wrap us in a blanket of love ♪

♪ A big floppy blanket ♪

♪ Of love ♪

Whoo! Yeah!

JANE: Thank you. Thank you.

Right back at you. Back at ya.

Thank you so much.

Thank you. But, you know,

this is not about us.

This weekend is about you.

Your family.

Communication

and some guy named Jesus Christ.

That's right, that's right.

We're going to help your family get a little...

a little tune-up. ROGER: Mm-hmm.

JANE: And just how the heck we going to do that?

I don't know. How we going to do it, Sister Jane?

Well, it all starts

with our friend...

the Chore Wheel!

ROGER: There she is!

Chore Wheel?

That's just for kids, isn't it?

(whispers) Calm down.

Let her rip! All right!

Around and around she goes!

Where she stops, nobody knows!

VANESSA: Peeling potatoes?

Is this how we're supposed to become a family?

It's not what you're doing.

It's the fact that we're doing it together.

I remember, when I was a kid,

our family used to go strawberry picking.

And you know what? Actually, we ate more than we picked.

God, were we bad.

(sighs)

Hey, stop!

Stop!

Hey, look at the mess you're making!

Stop it!

Hey, how's Team Tuber doing?

Oh, we're do-- we're doing great.

Actually, I think we're having

a little bit too much fun here, Sister.

♪ Someone's peeling, Lord ♪

♪ Kumbaya ♪

(guitar strumming continues)

Oh, sorry.

WANDA: No, it's fine.

Congratulations.

Oh, thanks.

How far along are you?

Oh, seven months, but it feels like 15.

Well, God, you look great.

WOMAN: Oh, thank you. You know what?

I think I'm going to just move in there this weekend,

'cause I have to go to the bathroom,

like, every 15 minutes.

But you know how that is.

Yeah. Yeah.

Hey, great job on your chores, families.

But what is this? All work and no play?

Uh-uh! No way!

That's no way to spend the day.

♪ Doodly, doodly, doot, doot, ba-pow! ♪

Families can have fun together, too.

Only we have to do it indoors this year.

So let's get this indoor party started!

Let's get it started! ♪ Wickit, wick, wick, wick, wicket ♪

♪ Wickit, wick, wick, wicket, wick, wick, wack ♪

Hey, come on.

(funky music playing)

SINGERS: ♪ Enjoy yourself, enjoy yourself ♪

♪ Enjoy yourself for me ♪ (thud)

SINGERS: ♪ Enjoy yourself, enjoy yourself... ♪

Ow! Don't try to play

like you were somewhere else.

You knew he was getting ready to fall.

I was looking over there. You weren't looking over...

You did it on purpose.

He could have bust his head wide open.

What are you doing? Come on! Come on!

Oh, come on! Pick it up!

Pick it up! Hurry! Go!

What are you doing?

See? This is why we lose every...

See? This is why...

Ow!

SINGER: ♪ Enjoy yourself for me... ♪

JORDAN: Llama. WANDA: Skiing.

Reindeer. Madagascar.

Cow! Cow! Cow!

MAN: All right, all right. Beef Wellington.

You got it. All right!

Good job. Awesome!

Beef Wellington! (teammates shouting)

BERNIE: Beef Wellington!

Beef Wellington!

ROGER: Let's gather around. Come on! Hurry up! JANE: Okay, everybody.

Don't be shy, now. Get up together.

There you go. There you go.

Oh, boy! Wasn't that great?

Don't you all feel closer already?

JANE: Oh, sure, you do.

So, now, what do you think? A little free time? Hmm.

Kick back. Put your feet up.

Smoke 'em if you got 'em.

As long as it's legal.

Right, Cheech?

Oh, yes, Chong!

(indistinct chatter)

(guitar playing)

BOTH: ♪ And let's have lunch with Jesus ♪

♪ Let's eat dinner with God ♪

♪ Let's share wine and wafers ♪

♪ 'Cause that's the holy bod ♪

Look at them up there.

The new face of the Church.

You would think they were on American Idol.

ROGER: ♪ Let's all put on our feed bags ♪

♪ Make sure your stomach is as big as your eyes ♪

Something to take the chill off?

Sure. I'll take a pull.

BOTH: ♪ 'Cause that's the holy bod ♪

(grunts) BOTH: ♪ Let's share wine and... ♪

(coughing)

Wow.

(chuckling)

ROGER: ♪ 'Cause that's... ♪

BOTH: ♪ The holy bod ♪

You like Cubans?

Hmm...

I'm but a humble servant.

(cheers and applause)

(sighs)

ROGER: Back to you. Back to you!

Oh, sweet Jesus.

Thank you so much. That was good.

Oh, she wrote it.

Oh,

he inspired that song.

Thank you so much, Sister Jane.

Well, you did. Are you hungry?

Isn't it cozy, sitting here by the fire?

It would be so nice if we had some hot cocoa.

Does it remind you of another family story

with you drinking cocoa?

(thunder rumbles)

Mwa...

BERNIE: Hey, you ready for some bonding?

Actually, I'm ready to go home.

What?

Come on.

Surely, you're not ready to go home

before the game is over.

I'm starting to think that this was a waste of time.

I mean, we're not really communicating.

Sure, we're communicating.

Come on.

The kids aren't into it.

and all you want to do is just win.

Well, I will admit

I was a little competitive.

But all that's going to change.

For the kids.

How's that?

Okay, today we're going to get

a little more honest with each other

with something that we call the Lemon Squeeze.

It's a chance to get out

some of your sour feelings...

while being anonymous.

Just write down something

that you'd like to say to another person

in your family.

Don't sign your name.

Fold up the paper,

and put it in the old basket.

Like that.

And go. Okay.

Oh, she's already starting.

Does everyone have a pencil?

Don't peek. (indistinct)

that's important. Don't peek.

Don't peek. Yes.

WANDA: Okay, here we go.

Bernie, this is for you. Okay.

"You always hog the remote control.

You hog the couch. You hog everything."

Who wrote that? Let me see that.

Let me see that writing.

Honey, it's about listening.

The reason I hog things

is because I own every doggone thing.

I can hog things if I want to when you own 'em.

WANDA: Okay, this is also for you.

"I don't like the way

you're always threatening us ."

I don't threaten you.

When's the last time I threatened you, huh?

Huh?

WANDA: Okay, we got another one.

"You think the world revolves around you."

That's bull.

That ain't nothing but some bull.

Try and kill my spirits. That's all that is.

That's all-- that's all that is.

Playa haters.

Okay, look. You have one more.

"I hate that one cologne you wear.

It makes you smell like a horse."

Look, look...

Who-who wrote it?

Give me that basket. No.

I got some things I want to say. Okay.

Bernie Mac wants to go on another retreat.

And it's going to go like this.

(blows a note)

Retreat!

(blows a note)

(upbeat music playing)

(door slams)

(doors slamming)

(door slams)

Go ahead!

Slam them doors.

Stupid retreat.

Made things worse.

Mac's gonna have to play hardball

and Mac know how to play the hardball.

Look, pitch it all close in tight.

Let you hit the dirt.

The Mac-man cometh.

You know what?

I think it's time for dessert.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I give you Chocolate Thunder Pie.

Look at all that chocolate layer

with the cream on top.

With an Oreo-flake caramel crust,

just falling off it.

Who'd like a piece?

BRYANA: Me! Me! Me! Me! Okay.

In order for you to get a piece,

you must share

with the entire family,

one of your ultimate secrets,

and if you share this secret,

it'll bring this family closer

and closer

and closer together.

Who still wants a piece?

Did I mention the hot caramel,

chocolate fudge

that drips on the side?

Okay, okay. Me, me, me.

Me, me. I'll go.

I'll give you a piece first

so you can look at it.

So you can see...

Ooh, look at that.

Mmm.

Pie first. BERNIE: No, tell the story first.

You're like me, you'd never tell the story.

I have pubic hair. Lots of it.

BERNIE: Okay.

Pubic hairs.

Who else?

Come on.

I think he shared enough for all of us.

Oh, come on, let's have some fun.

I'll go.

Um...

I know the retreat didn't go as planned.

Looking at all those nice families,

I guess...

I wanted us to be more...

like them.

I mean, I've been taking care of you guys

for four years, and...

not once have you guys

given me a Mother's Day card.

But you're not our mother.

Right.

Right.

Sorry. Excuse me.

Wan...

(door slams)

Why would you go and say

something stupid like that?

I wasn't trying to be mean.

Well, you were.

Ooh!

Wanda?

Wanda.

You okay, sweetheart?

Honey, you know I love those kids.

Oh, I know that.

I love them like they're my own.

Yeah.

I don't think they love me like that.

I don't think they ever will.

Oh, stop that kind of talk.

You can't take them serious tonight.

They were just tripping over that little pie.

It's not their fault.

It's not, you know.

It's true what they said in there.

I'm not their mother.

It's just that, this weekend on the retreat,

I-I felt like I wanted that for myself.

Like I want to be somebody's mom.

Whose?

Bernie...

I want us to have a baby.

(clears throat)

Come on, honey. You couldn't...

y-y-you can't be serious.

What about me?! Have you thought about me?

No, you ain't thought about me.

What about me?

And I'm not no 25,

27-year-old man no more.

You know? I don't feel like

going to no doggone park

watching my kids play soccer in no wheelchair.

So what are you saying?

Wanda, I guess I'm saying no.

(whispers) Okay.

Come on, Wanda. Don't be like that.

Wanda!

America,

I knew we never should have gone

on that doggone retreat.

Something told me in my heart.

It's those doggone kids.

Treating her like an aunt

instead of like a mother.

Now look. Look at what they did.

Now she wants to be a mother

instead of an aunt.

You know what, America?

Kids ruin everything.

VANESSA: Aunt Wanda, can we talk to you?

Sure.

I just wanted to say I'm sorry

about what I said earlier.

I know.

But you know what?

It's kind of crazy of me

to expect a Mother's Day card anyway.

It's okay. VANESSA: No, it wasn't.

I mean, you are like our mom now

and we want to say thanks.

Yeah.

Would some...

Chocolate Thunder Pie help?

Oh, now that's worth a shot.

Thank you, guys.

I love you.

KIDS: Love you, too.

WANDA: Good night.

Aw, man,

look at her out there.

I mean, what am I gonna do, America?

The truth is,

Wanda would make a great mom.

She already is.

And I have to admit,

somewhere in the back of my mind,

I've always wondered

what a mini-me

and what a mini-her would be like.

Definitely cute.

You know.

I mean, but...

it's just a fact of nature.

Having a kid changes everything, America.

You know that.

You know that's huge.

And it wasn't part of the plan.

Oh, America,

what do I do?

What do I do?

(upbeat music playing)

(clears throat)

SINGER: ♪ When I wake up ♪

♪ In the morning, love ♪

You mean? SINGER: ♪ And the sunlight hurts my eyes ♪

Under one condition, Wanda,

and I do mean one.

That my den

never, ever

becomes a nursery.

You got that?

I love you.

I love you, too.

Honey, what made you change your mind?

You.

Thank you.

Thank you, honey. SINGER: ♪ ...lovely day ♪

♪ Lovely day... ♪

Come on, it's a little bit too quiet in here.

Somebody got to have

something to say, geez.

You might want to roll the window down.

Oh, my God.

(laughing)

(coughing)

Oh...

Oh, man. Oh, man.

Oh, man.

Captioned by Visual Data