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00:00:02,837 --> 00:00:06,005
(theme music playing)
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00:00:18,093 --> 00:00:19,542
BERNIE: Come on,
sweetheart, let's go!
3
00:00:19,620 --> 00:00:22,012
I got your wrap.
We'll be late
for the PTA meeting.
4
00:00:22,089 --> 00:00:23,221
Okay, honey.
I'm coming.
5
00:00:23,298 --> 00:00:25,015
Look at this.
Isn't this great?
6
00:00:25,092 --> 00:00:27,017
Hold this for me.
7
00:00:27,094 --> 00:00:30,353
Poetry Slam.
Nessa Tompkins.
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00:00:30,430 --> 00:00:32,022
First prize.
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00:00:32,033 --> 00:00:34,232
She has really got
to be proud.
10
00:00:34,309 --> 00:00:35,859
You know, I wish
they would just share
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00:00:35,936 --> 00:00:37,694
more things
like that with us.
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00:00:37,771 --> 00:00:40,280
Well, baby, things ain't
falling through the cracks.
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00:00:40,291 --> 00:00:43,083
You're busy, I'm busy,
they're busy. Come on.
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00:00:44,528 --> 00:00:46,495
FATHER: On the sixth,
the bloodmobile will be here.
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00:00:46,571 --> 00:00:49,206
And now, once again,
all families are encouraged
16
00:00:49,282 --> 00:00:51,208
to attend the annual
parish retreat
17
00:00:51,284 --> 00:00:52,593
at the Wandering Glen Lodge.
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00:00:52,669 --> 00:00:54,386
WOMAN (murmuring):
Wandering Glen Lodge?
19
00:00:57,165 --> 00:00:58,882
"Wandering Glen
provides a haven
20
00:00:58,959 --> 00:01:01,510
for families
away from the hubbub
21
00:01:01,586 --> 00:01:03,145
of daily life."
22
00:01:04,339 --> 00:01:07,182
And now, on
with our raffle, Sister.
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00:01:07,259 --> 00:01:09,142
WANDA: Hey, Bernie,
I think the retreat
24
00:01:09,219 --> 00:01:10,560
would be a perfect place
for the whole family
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00:01:10,637 --> 00:01:12,270
to get together.
What do you think?
26
00:01:12,347 --> 00:01:14,064
I'd rather hook myself
up to the bloodmobile
27
00:01:14,141 --> 00:01:15,783
for a whole month.
28
00:01:17,644 --> 00:01:18,735
Wanda!
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00:01:18,812 --> 00:01:20,662
Baby girl!
Nessa! Jordan!
30
00:01:20,739 --> 00:01:22,623
Come on! We're going to do
the Super Bowl shuffle.
31
00:01:22,699 --> 00:01:26,076
Come on. I got three movies.
Come on, now.
32
00:01:26,153 --> 00:01:27,244
Honey, Jordan's
at a sleepover,
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00:01:27,320 --> 00:01:28,361
and Vanessa is
with her friend,
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00:01:28,439 --> 00:01:30,914
and so it's just
the three of us.
35
00:01:30,991 --> 00:01:33,041
What? I thought
we were going to have
36
00:01:33,118 --> 00:01:35,085
a special DVD movie night.
37
00:01:35,162 --> 00:01:37,805
Well...
Can I go back
to my room?
38
00:01:39,850 --> 00:01:41,433
You might as well.
39
00:01:42,636 --> 00:01:45,521
(upbeat music playing)
40
00:01:51,011 --> 00:01:52,978
See? Now, that's
what I'm talking about.
41
00:01:53,054 --> 00:01:54,137
Yeah. I see.
42
00:01:54,215 --> 00:01:56,523
Everybody's just
going their own way.
43
00:01:56,600 --> 00:01:57,899
I tried, America.
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00:01:57,976 --> 00:02:00,402
I mean, look at this place.
45
00:02:00,478 --> 00:02:02,737
It's better than
a real movie theater.
46
00:02:02,814 --> 00:02:06,158
We shouldn't have
to force everyone together.
47
00:02:06,234 --> 00:02:08,118
Since they're all gone,
48
00:02:08,195 --> 00:02:10,912
we might as well
make the best of it.
49
00:02:10,989 --> 00:02:12,172
(stray kernels pops)
50
00:02:16,912 --> 00:02:18,336
Honey?
Mm-hmm?
51
00:02:18,413 --> 00:02:21,765
I think we should go
on that parish retreat.
52
00:02:21,842 --> 00:02:23,550
What?
You know, honey, I think
53
00:02:23,627 --> 00:02:25,719
it would be good
for the whole family.
54
00:02:25,795 --> 00:02:28,346
You know? We'd get to enjoy
the great outdoors,
55
00:02:28,423 --> 00:02:30,849
get to play games
and crafts.
56
00:02:30,926 --> 00:02:33,902
Except for one thing, Wanda.
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00:02:33,979 --> 00:02:35,654
Bernie Mac don't do retreats.
58
00:02:37,182 --> 00:02:38,556
But he does go to bed.
59
00:02:41,436 --> 00:02:44,279
Look, America, I want
to tighten this family up
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00:02:44,356 --> 00:02:46,156
as much as Wanda does,
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00:02:46,167 --> 00:02:48,074
but singing "Kumbaya"
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00:02:48,151 --> 00:02:50,118
and roasting weenies
in the woods
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00:02:50,129 --> 00:02:51,828
never helped nobody.
64
00:02:51,905 --> 00:02:53,580
Just gave them gas.
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00:02:53,657 --> 00:02:55,632
Yes, gas.
66
00:02:58,495 --> 00:02:59,511
Wow.
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00:03:00,455 --> 00:03:03,140
That gives me an idea.
68
00:03:03,217 --> 00:03:05,550
See? This is
what I'm talking about.
69
00:03:05,627 --> 00:03:06,885
A beautiful day.
70
00:03:06,962 --> 00:03:08,970
Perfect for
a family drive.
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00:03:09,047 --> 00:03:10,513
You don't need no woods.
72
00:03:10,590 --> 00:03:13,308
All you need is
an open doggone road.
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00:03:13,385 --> 00:03:15,819
That's all we need.
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00:03:15,896 --> 00:03:17,270
Am I right, kids?
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00:03:17,347 --> 00:03:20,407
(whimsical music playing)
76
00:03:21,268 --> 00:03:22,459
(music stops)
77
00:03:22,203 --> 00:03:23,827
Hey, what are you doing?
78
00:03:23,904 --> 00:03:26,529
We have to see if Paulie
the Penguin lives or dies.
79
00:03:26,606 --> 00:03:29,449
You know he lives.
You know it.
80
00:03:29,526 --> 00:03:32,160
You've seen it
75 hundred thousand times.
81
00:03:32,237 --> 00:03:34,871
No more movies,
and no more headphones.
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00:03:34,948 --> 00:03:36,039
That's it.
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00:03:36,116 --> 00:03:38,291
(overlapping chatter)
84
00:03:38,368 --> 00:03:39,793
BERNIE:
Wanda, I swear to God,
85
00:03:39,869 --> 00:03:42,212
I'm going to drive
this car off the cliff,
86
00:03:42,289 --> 00:03:45,298
and we're all going
to be in hell together!
87
00:03:45,375 --> 00:03:47,351
No, no, no, no, honey.
I know what would help.
88
00:03:47,427 --> 00:03:49,052
Keep your eyes
on the road.
89
00:03:49,129 --> 00:03:51,054
Okay, everybody,
I have a song.
90
00:03:51,131 --> 00:03:52,205
Here we go.
91
00:03:52,282 --> 00:03:54,608
♪ Do your ears hang low ♪
92
00:03:54,685 --> 00:03:56,017
♪ Do they wobble to and fro? ♪
93
00:03:56,094 --> 00:03:57,327
♪ Can you tie them in a knot ♪
94
00:03:57,404 --> 00:03:58,661
♪ Can you tie 'em in a bow? ♪
95
00:03:58,738 --> 00:03:59,654
♪ Can you throw itover your shoulder ♪
96
00:03:59,531 --> 00:04:00,647
♪ Like a Continental soldier? ♪
97
00:04:00,724 --> 00:04:02,399
♪ Do your ears hang low? ♪
98
00:04:02,475 --> 00:04:05,869
(pipe organ playing)
America, this is crazy.
99
00:04:05,946 --> 00:04:09,114
Even when we're together,
we're not together.
100
00:04:09,190 --> 00:04:10,365
This is beyond the power
101
00:04:10,442 --> 00:04:12,534
of Bernie Mac, America.
102
00:04:12,610 --> 00:04:15,212
We're going to have
to go one step higher.
103
00:04:15,289 --> 00:04:17,872
We're calling on You, Lord,
104
00:04:17,949 --> 00:04:19,708
at the family retreat.
105
00:04:19,784 --> 00:04:21,293
No TV, no radio,
106
00:04:21,369 --> 00:04:22,711
no cell phone.
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00:04:22,787 --> 00:04:24,379
Just us and nature,
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00:04:24,390 --> 00:04:26,515
the way You intended it.
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00:04:29,127 --> 00:04:32,178
Great! No TV, no radio,
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00:04:32,255 --> 00:04:34,931
no cell phone,
just us.
111
00:04:35,008 --> 00:04:37,401
Oh, Lord,
why You forsake me?
112
00:04:47,538 --> 00:04:49,112
(thunder rumbling)
113
00:04:49,189 --> 00:04:51,114
FATHER:
If I could have your attention?
114
00:04:51,191 --> 00:04:53,917
(indistinct chatter)
115
00:04:53,994 --> 00:04:57,120
Welcome to Wandering Glen.
116
00:04:57,197 --> 00:04:58,422
I know
you're all expecting
117
00:04:58,498 --> 00:05:00,290
a weekend
of fun and frolic
118
00:05:00,367 --> 00:05:02,459
in the great outdoors,
119
00:05:02,535 --> 00:05:04,794
but it seems the Good Lord
had other plans.
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00:05:04,871 --> 00:05:07,839
(thunder rumbles)
121
00:05:07,916 --> 00:05:09,841
And who are we to argue?
122
00:05:09,918 --> 00:05:11,217
I don't want to argue.
123
00:05:11,294 --> 00:05:13,261
I just want
to leave. Ow!
124
00:05:13,338 --> 00:05:15,263
FATHER: So, just as Jesus
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00:05:15,340 --> 00:05:17,474
suffered the thorny crown,
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00:05:17,550 --> 00:05:19,860
we must endure the dankness
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00:05:19,936 --> 00:05:21,111
of this place.
128
00:05:21,188 --> 00:05:23,605
And now,
without further ado,
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00:05:23,681 --> 00:05:25,940
I'd like to turn
the weekend over
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00:05:26,017 --> 00:05:28,818
to our retreat
facilitators,
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00:05:28,895 --> 00:05:30,153
Father Roger
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00:05:30,230 --> 00:05:32,155
and Sister Jane.
133
00:05:32,232 --> 00:05:35,158
Hi, everybody!
Hey, everybody!
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00:05:35,235 --> 00:05:36,368
BOTH:
And one, two, three.
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00:05:36,444 --> 00:05:38,128
♪ Howdy, neighbor ♪
136
00:05:38,205 --> 00:05:39,829
♪ Pleased to meet ya ♪
137
00:05:39,906 --> 00:05:41,414
JANE: ♪ Sister Jane ♪ROGER: ♪ Father Roger ♪
138
00:05:41,425 --> 00:05:43,065
BOTH:♪ We're here to greet ya ♪
139
00:05:42,843 --> 00:05:45,502
JANE: ♪ And don't forgetour neighbor above ♪
140
00:05:45,578 --> 00:05:49,506
Now I want to go home.
BOTH: ♪ He's gonna wrap usin a blanket of love ♪
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00:05:49,582 --> 00:05:52,801
♪ A big floppy blanket ♪
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00:05:52,877 --> 00:05:56,096
♪ Of love ♪
143
00:05:56,172 --> 00:05:57,689
Whoo!
Yeah!
144
00:05:59,426 --> 00:06:00,508
JANE: Thank you.
Thank you.
145
00:06:00,586 --> 00:06:02,102
Right back at you.
Back at ya.
146
00:06:02,178 --> 00:06:04,396
Thank you so much.
147
00:06:04,472 --> 00:06:06,022
Thank you.
But, you know,
148
00:06:06,099 --> 00:06:07,732
this is not about us.
149
00:06:07,809 --> 00:06:10,151
This weekend
is about you.
150
00:06:10,228 --> 00:06:12,195
Your family.
151
00:06:12,206 --> 00:06:13,655
Communication
152
00:06:13,731 --> 00:06:15,615
and some guy
named Jesus Christ.
153
00:06:15,692 --> 00:06:17,376
That's right,
that's right.
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00:06:17,452 --> 00:06:18,993
We're going to help
your family get a little...
155
00:06:19,004 --> 00:06:20,587
a little tune-up.
ROGER: Mm-hmm.
156
00:06:20,664 --> 00:06:22,205
JANE: And just how the heck
we going to do that?
157
00:06:22,282 --> 00:06:23,832
I don't know. How we going
to do it, Sister Jane?
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00:06:23,908 --> 00:06:25,258
Well, it all starts
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00:06:25,335 --> 00:06:27,260
with our friend...
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00:06:27,337 --> 00:06:28,762
the Chore Wheel!
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00:06:28,839 --> 00:06:29,888
ROGER: There she is!
162
00:06:31,174 --> 00:06:32,465
Chore Wheel?
163
00:06:32,542 --> 00:06:34,008
That's just for kids,
isn't it?
164
00:06:34,085 --> 00:06:35,268
(whispers)
Calm down.
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00:06:35,345 --> 00:06:37,437
Let her rip!
All right!
166
00:06:37,514 --> 00:06:39,931
Around and around
she goes!
167
00:06:40,008 --> 00:06:42,609
Where she stops,
nobody knows!
168
00:06:44,471 --> 00:06:45,979
VANESSA:
Peeling potatoes?
169
00:06:46,056 --> 00:06:48,231
Is this how we're supposed
to become a family?
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00:06:48,308 --> 00:06:49,482
It's not what you're doing.
171
00:06:49,493 --> 00:06:51,609
It's the fact that
we're doing it together.
172
00:06:51,686 --> 00:06:53,194
I remember,
when I was a kid,
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00:06:53,271 --> 00:06:55,572
our family used
to go strawberry picking.
174
00:06:55,648 --> 00:06:58,408
And you know what? Actually,
we ate more than we picked.
175
00:06:58,419 --> 00:07:00,419
God, were we bad.
176
00:07:02,030 --> 00:07:03,296
(sighs)
177
00:07:08,628 --> 00:07:10,545
Hey, stop!
178
00:07:10,622 --> 00:07:12,255
Stop!
179
00:07:12,332 --> 00:07:13,840
Hey, look at the mess
you're making!
180
00:07:13,917 --> 00:07:14,890
Stop it!
181
00:07:14,968 --> 00:07:16,342
Hey, how's
Team Tuber doing?
182
00:07:16,419 --> 00:07:18,094
Oh, we're do--
we're doing great.
183
00:07:18,171 --> 00:07:19,354
Actually,
I think we're having
184
00:07:19,431 --> 00:07:21,598
a little bit
too much fun here, Sister.
185
00:07:21,674 --> 00:07:24,100
♪ Someone's peeling, Lord ♪
186
00:07:24,111 --> 00:07:26,019
♪ Kumbaya ♪
187
00:07:26,095 --> 00:07:28,947
(guitar strumming continues)
188
00:07:37,065 --> 00:07:38,948
Oh, sorry.
189
00:07:39,025 --> 00:07:40,283
WANDA: No, it's fine.
190
00:07:40,360 --> 00:07:41,284
Congratulations.
191
00:07:41,361 --> 00:07:43,203
Oh, thanks.
192
00:07:43,213 --> 00:07:44,454
How far along are you?
193
00:07:44,531 --> 00:07:47,123
Oh, seven months,
but it feels like 15.
194
00:07:47,200 --> 00:07:48,500
Well, God,
you look great.
195
00:07:48,576 --> 00:07:50,084
WOMAN:
Oh, thank you.
You know what?
196
00:07:50,161 --> 00:07:51,753
I think I'm going to just
move in there this weekend,
197
00:07:51,829 --> 00:07:52,962
'cause I have to go
to the bathroom,
198
00:07:53,039 --> 00:07:54,797
like, every 15 minutes.
199
00:07:54,874 --> 00:07:56,007
But you know
how that is.
200
00:07:56,084 --> 00:07:58,059
Yeah. Yeah.
201
00:08:02,882 --> 00:08:05,525
Hey, great job
on your chores, families.
202
00:08:05,602 --> 00:08:07,894
But what is this?
All work and no play?
203
00:08:07,971 --> 00:08:09,145
Uh-uh! No way!
204
00:08:09,222 --> 00:08:10,647
That's no way
to spend the day.
205
00:08:10,723 --> 00:08:12,857
♪ Doodly, doodly,doot, doot, ba-pow! ♪
206
00:08:12,934 --> 00:08:14,859
Families can have
fun together, too.
207
00:08:14,936 --> 00:08:16,569
Only we have to do
it indoors this year.
208
00:08:16,646 --> 00:08:18,947
So let's get this
indoor party started!
209
00:08:19,023 --> 00:08:21,074
Let's get it started!
♪ Wickit, wick,wick, wick, wicket ♪
210
00:08:21,150 --> 00:08:24,503
♪ Wickit, wick, wick,wicket, wick, wick, wack ♪
211
00:08:25,154 --> 00:08:26,496
Hey, come on.
212
00:08:26,573 --> 00:08:28,873
(funky music playing)
213
00:08:28,950 --> 00:08:31,292
SINGERS: ♪ Enjoy yourself,enjoy yourself ♪
214
00:08:31,369 --> 00:08:33,503
♪ Enjoy yourself for me ♪
(thud)
215
00:08:33,514 --> 00:08:35,972
SINGERS: ♪ Enjoy yourself,enjoy yourself... ♪
216
00:08:36,049 --> 00:08:37,674
Ow!
Don't try to play
217
00:08:37,750 --> 00:08:39,175
like you were
somewhere else.
218
00:08:39,252 --> 00:08:40,718
You knew he was
getting ready to fall.
219
00:08:40,795 --> 00:08:41,978
I was looking
over there.
You weren't looking over...
220
00:08:42,055 --> 00:08:43,346
You did it
on purpose.
221
00:08:43,423 --> 00:08:45,223
He could have bust
his head wide open.
222
00:08:45,300 --> 00:08:47,934
What are you doing?
Come on! Come on!
223
00:08:48,011 --> 00:08:49,018
Oh, come on!
Pick it up!
224
00:08:49,029 --> 00:08:49,927
Pick it up!
Hurry! Go!
225
00:08:50,005 --> 00:08:51,028
What are you doing?
226
00:08:50,906 --> 00:08:52,522
See? This is why
we lose every...
227
00:08:52,599 --> 00:08:54,816
See? This is why...
228
00:08:54,892 --> 00:08:56,901
Ow!
229
00:08:56,978 --> 00:08:58,486
SINGER:♪ Enjoy yourself for me... ♪
230
00:08:58,563 --> 00:09:00,413
JORDAN: Llama.
WANDA: Skiing.
231
00:09:00,490 --> 00:09:02,791
Reindeer.
Madagascar.
232
00:09:02,867 --> 00:09:04,867
Cow! Cow! Cow!
233
00:09:04,944 --> 00:09:06,536
MAN:
All right, all right.
Beef Wellington.
234
00:09:06,613 --> 00:09:07,546
You got it.
All right!
235
00:09:07,622 --> 00:09:09,172
Good job.
Awesome!
236
00:09:09,249 --> 00:09:10,873
Beef Wellington!
(teammates shouting)
237
00:09:10,950 --> 00:09:12,384
BERNIE:
Beef Wellington!
238
00:09:14,954 --> 00:09:17,180
Beef Wellington!
239
00:09:17,257 --> 00:09:20,049
ROGER: Let's gather around.
Come on! Hurry up!
JANE: Okay, everybody.
240
00:09:20,060 --> 00:09:22,310
Don't be shy, now.
Get up together.
241
00:09:22,387 --> 00:09:23,678
There you go.
There you go.
242
00:09:23,755 --> 00:09:25,638
Oh, boy!
Wasn't that great?
243
00:09:25,715 --> 00:09:27,307
Don't you all
feel closer already?
244
00:09:27,383 --> 00:09:28,891
JANE: Oh, sure, you do.
245
00:09:28,968 --> 00:09:31,194
So, now, what do you think?
A little free time?
Hmm.
246
00:09:31,271 --> 00:09:32,395
Kick back.
Put your feet up.
247
00:09:32,472 --> 00:09:34,022
Smoke 'em
if you got 'em.
248
00:09:34,098 --> 00:09:36,065
As long as it's legal.
249
00:09:36,142 --> 00:09:37,025
Right, Cheech?
250
00:09:37,101 --> 00:09:38,785
Oh, yes, Chong!
251
00:09:40,080 --> 00:09:42,998
(indistinct chatter)
252
00:09:50,123 --> 00:09:52,716
(guitar playing)
253
00:09:54,160 --> 00:09:57,587
BOTH: ♪ And let's have lunchwith Jesus ♪
254
00:09:57,664 --> 00:10:00,673
♪ Let's eat dinner with God ♪
255
00:10:00,750 --> 00:10:03,509
♪ Let's share wine and wafers ♪
256
00:10:03,586 --> 00:10:07,180
♪ 'Cause that's the holy bod ♪
257
00:10:07,256 --> 00:10:09,182
Look at them up there.
258
00:10:09,258 --> 00:10:11,484
The new face
of the Church.
259
00:10:11,561 --> 00:10:13,603
You would think they
were on American Idol.
260
00:10:13,680 --> 00:10:16,031
ROGER: ♪ Let's all puton our feed bags ♪
261
00:10:16,107 --> 00:10:19,442
♪ Make sure your stomachis as big as your eyes ♪
262
00:10:19,519 --> 00:10:20,952
Something to take
the chill off?
263
00:10:23,272 --> 00:10:25,907
Sure. I'll take a pull.
264
00:10:25,983 --> 00:10:28,826
BOTH:
♪ 'Cause that's the holy bod ♪
265
00:10:28,837 --> 00:10:31,996
(grunts)
BOTH:♪ Let's share wine and... ♪
266
00:10:32,073 --> 00:10:33,247
(coughing)
267
00:10:33,258 --> 00:10:34,332
Wow.
268
00:10:34,409 --> 00:10:35,792
(chuckling)
269
00:10:35,868 --> 00:10:37,293
ROGER:♪ 'Cause that's... ♪
270
00:10:37,370 --> 00:10:41,964
BOTH: ♪ The holy bod ♪
271
00:10:42,041 --> 00:10:43,266
You like Cubans?
272
00:10:43,343 --> 00:10:44,759
Hmm...
273
00:10:44,836 --> 00:10:46,427
I'm but
a humble servant.
274
00:10:46,504 --> 00:10:48,855
(cheers and applause)
275
00:10:48,932 --> 00:10:49,989
(sighs)
276
00:10:50,066 --> 00:10:52,225
ROGER:
Back to you. Back to you!
277
00:10:52,301 --> 00:10:53,434
Oh, sweet Jesus.
278
00:10:53,511 --> 00:10:56,145
Thank you so much.
That was good.
279
00:10:56,156 --> 00:10:57,271
Oh, she wrote it.
280
00:10:57,348 --> 00:10:59,407
Oh,
281
00:10:59,484 --> 00:11:00,659
he inspired that song.
282
00:11:00,735 --> 00:11:02,694
Thank you so much,
Sister Jane.
283
00:11:02,770 --> 00:11:04,612
Well, you did.
Are you hungry?
284
00:11:04,689 --> 00:11:07,115
Isn't it cozy,
sitting here by the fire?
285
00:11:07,191 --> 00:11:10,794
It would be so nice
if we had some hot cocoa.
286
00:11:10,870 --> 00:11:13,996
Does it remind you
of another family story
287
00:11:14,073 --> 00:11:16,332
with you drinking cocoa?
288
00:11:16,343 --> 00:11:17,500
(thunder rumbles)
289
00:11:17,577 --> 00:11:18,718
Mwa...
290
00:11:21,581 --> 00:11:23,723
BERNIE: Hey, you ready
for some bonding?
291
00:11:23,800 --> 00:11:25,508
Actually,
I'm ready to go home.
292
00:11:25,585 --> 00:11:27,093
What?
293
00:11:27,104 --> 00:11:28,511
Come on.
294
00:11:28,588 --> 00:11:30,397
Surely, you're not
ready to go home
295
00:11:30,473 --> 00:11:32,339
before the game is over.
296
00:11:32,417 --> 00:11:34,809
I'm starting to think that
this was a waste of time.
297
00:11:34,820 --> 00:11:37,311
I mean, we're not
really communicating.
298
00:11:37,322 --> 00:11:39,230
Sure,
we're communicating.
299
00:11:39,241 --> 00:11:40,231
Come on.
300
00:11:40,308 --> 00:11:41,733
The kids aren't into it.
301
00:11:41,809 --> 00:11:43,618
and all you want
to do is just win.
302
00:11:45,247 --> 00:11:46,738
Well, I will admit
303
00:11:46,814 --> 00:11:49,407
I was a little competitive.
304
00:11:49,484 --> 00:11:51,909
But all that's
going to change.
305
00:11:51,986 --> 00:11:52,869
For the kids.
306
00:11:52,945 --> 00:11:53,962
How's that?
307
00:11:57,283 --> 00:11:59,342
Okay, today
we're going to get
308
00:11:59,419 --> 00:12:01,252
a little more honest
with each other
309
00:12:01,329 --> 00:12:04,422
with something that we call
the Lemon Squeeze.
310
00:12:04,499 --> 00:12:05,882
It's a chance
to get out
311
00:12:05,958 --> 00:12:09,594
some of your sour feelings...
312
00:12:09,670 --> 00:12:11,262
while being anonymous.
313
00:12:11,339 --> 00:12:12,638
Just write down something
314
00:12:12,715 --> 00:12:14,515
that you'd like to say
to another person
315
00:12:14,526 --> 00:12:15,558
in your family.
316
00:12:15,635 --> 00:12:17,226
Don't sign your name.
317
00:12:17,303 --> 00:12:18,686
Fold up the paper,
318
00:12:18,763 --> 00:12:20,563
and put it in
the old basket.
319
00:12:20,640 --> 00:12:21,481
Like that.
320
00:12:21,557 --> 00:12:22,940
And go.
Okay.
321
00:12:23,017 --> 00:12:24,275
Oh, she's
already starting.
322
00:12:24,352 --> 00:12:26,152
Does everyone
have a pencil?
323
00:12:26,229 --> 00:12:27,737
Don't peek.
(indistinct)
324
00:12:27,814 --> 00:12:29,372
that's important.
Don't peek.
325
00:12:29,449 --> 00:12:31,741
Don't peek.
Yes.
326
00:12:31,818 --> 00:12:32,992
WANDA:
Okay, here we go.
327
00:12:33,069 --> 00:12:34,878
Bernie,
this is for you.
Okay.
328
00:12:34,954 --> 00:12:36,954
"You always hog
the remote control.
329
00:12:37,031 --> 00:12:39,081
You hog the couch.
You hog everything."
330
00:12:39,158 --> 00:12:41,375
Who wrote that?
Let me see that.
331
00:12:41,452 --> 00:12:42,502
Let me see
that writing.
332
00:12:42,578 --> 00:12:43,795
Honey,
it's about listening.
333
00:12:43,805 --> 00:12:45,054
The reason I hog things
334
00:12:45,131 --> 00:12:47,807
is because I own
every doggone thing.
335
00:12:47,884 --> 00:12:51,093
I can hog things
if I want to when you own 'em.
336
00:12:51,170 --> 00:12:53,513
WANDA: Okay,
this is also for you.
337
00:12:53,589 --> 00:12:54,972
"I don't like the way
338
00:12:55,049 --> 00:12:57,266
you're always
threatening us ."
339
00:12:57,343 --> 00:12:58,893
I don't threaten you.
340
00:12:58,904 --> 00:13:01,437
When's the last time
I threatened you, huh?
341
00:13:01,514 --> 00:13:03,147
Huh?
342
00:13:03,158 --> 00:13:04,657
WANDA: Okay,
we got another one.
343
00:13:04,734 --> 00:13:06,910
"You think the world
revolves around you."
344
00:13:06,986 --> 00:13:07,985
That's bull.
345
00:13:08,062 --> 00:13:09,904
That ain't nothing
but some bull.
346
00:13:09,981 --> 00:13:11,781
Try and kill my spirits.
That's all that is.
347
00:13:11,792 --> 00:13:14,116
That's all--
that's all that is.
348
00:13:14,193 --> 00:13:15,326
Playa haters.
349
00:13:15,403 --> 00:13:17,411
Okay, look.
You have one more.
350
00:13:17,488 --> 00:13:19,372
"I hate that one
cologne you wear.
351
00:13:19,448 --> 00:13:22,124
It makes you smell
like a horse."
352
00:13:22,201 --> 00:13:24,418
Look, look...
353
00:13:24,495 --> 00:13:26,295
Who-who wrote it?
354
00:13:26,372 --> 00:13:27,713
Give me that basket.
No.
355
00:13:27,790 --> 00:13:29,232
I got some things
I want to say.
Okay.
356
00:13:29,308 --> 00:13:32,718
Bernie Mac wants
to go on another retreat.
357
00:13:32,795 --> 00:13:34,771
And it's going
to go like this.
358
00:13:36,173 --> 00:13:38,266
(blows a note)
359
00:13:38,276 --> 00:13:40,309
Retreat!
360
00:13:40,320 --> 00:13:41,319
(blows a note)
361
00:13:45,224 --> 00:13:48,076
(upbeat music playing)
362
00:13:53,190 --> 00:13:54,123
(door slams)
363
00:13:56,586 --> 00:14:00,255
(doors slamming)
364
00:14:02,500 --> 00:14:03,958
(door slams)
365
00:14:04,035 --> 00:14:05,459
Go ahead!
366
00:14:05,470 --> 00:14:07,628
Slam them doors.
367
00:14:07,705 --> 00:14:09,171
Stupid retreat.
368
00:14:09,248 --> 00:14:10,590
Made things worse.
369
00:14:10,666 --> 00:14:13,509
Mac's gonna have
to play hardball
370
00:14:13,586 --> 00:14:16,262
and Mac know how
to play the hardball.
371
00:14:16,339 --> 00:14:18,431
Look, pitch it all
close in tight.
372
00:14:18,507 --> 00:14:20,308
Let you hit the dirt.
373
00:14:20,384 --> 00:14:22,935
The Mac-man cometh.
374
00:14:23,012 --> 00:14:25,229
You know what?
375
00:14:25,240 --> 00:14:27,031
I think it's time
for dessert.
376
00:14:28,768 --> 00:14:31,235
Ladies and gentlemen,
377
00:14:31,246 --> 00:14:34,205
I give you
Chocolate Thunder Pie.
378
00:14:37,693 --> 00:14:39,752
Look at all that
chocolate layer
379
00:14:39,829 --> 00:14:42,371
with the cream on top.
380
00:14:42,448 --> 00:14:45,666
With an Oreo-flake
caramel crust,
381
00:14:45,743 --> 00:14:48,011
just falling off it.
382
00:14:48,087 --> 00:14:49,061
Who'd like a piece?
383
00:14:49,138 --> 00:14:50,671
BRYANA:
Me! Me! Me! Me!
Okay.
384
00:14:50,682 --> 00:14:53,266
In order for you
to get a piece,
385
00:14:53,343 --> 00:14:54,717
you must share
386
00:14:54,794 --> 00:14:56,719
with the entire family,
387
00:14:56,796 --> 00:15:00,264
one of your
ultimate secrets,
388
00:15:00,275 --> 00:15:01,599
and if you share this secret,
389
00:15:01,676 --> 00:15:04,193
it'll bring
this family closer
390
00:15:04,270 --> 00:15:05,394
and closer
391
00:15:05,471 --> 00:15:08,397
and closer together.
392
00:15:08,474 --> 00:15:09,908
Who still wants a piece?
393
00:15:13,562 --> 00:15:16,656
Did I mention
the hot caramel,
394
00:15:16,732 --> 00:15:17,823
chocolate fudge
395
00:15:17,834 --> 00:15:19,241
that drips
on the side?
396
00:15:19,318 --> 00:15:20,493
Okay, okay.
Me, me, me.
397
00:15:20,569 --> 00:15:21,544
Me, me. I'll go.
398
00:15:21,621 --> 00:15:23,412
I'll give you a piece first
399
00:15:23,489 --> 00:15:24,747
so you can look at it.
400
00:15:24,824 --> 00:15:25,748
So you can see...
401
00:15:25,825 --> 00:15:28,000
Ooh, look at that.
402
00:15:28,077 --> 00:15:30,086
Mmm.
403
00:15:30,162 --> 00:15:32,555
Pie first.
BERNIE: No, tell
the story first.
404
00:15:32,632 --> 00:15:34,465
You're like me,
you'd never tell the story.
405
00:15:34,542 --> 00:15:36,225
I have pubic hair.
Lots of it.
406
00:15:39,296 --> 00:15:40,229
BERNIE: Okay.
407
00:15:41,316 --> 00:15:43,224
Pubic hairs.
408
00:15:43,300 --> 00:15:44,183
Who else?
409
00:15:44,260 --> 00:15:45,318
Come on.
410
00:15:45,395 --> 00:15:47,979
I think he shared enough
for all of us.
411
00:15:48,055 --> 00:15:50,189
Oh, come on,
let's have some fun.
412
00:15:50,266 --> 00:15:51,199
I'll go.
413
00:15:52,351 --> 00:15:53,818
Um...
414
00:15:53,894 --> 00:15:56,445
I know the retreat
didn't go as planned.
415
00:15:56,456 --> 00:15:58,572
Looking at all
those nice families,
416
00:15:58,649 --> 00:16:00,866
I guess...
417
00:16:00,877 --> 00:16:03,244
I wanted us
to be more...
418
00:16:03,320 --> 00:16:04,295
like them.
419
00:16:06,332 --> 00:16:07,915
I mean, I've been
taking care of you guys
420
00:16:07,992 --> 00:16:10,501
for four years,
and...
421
00:16:10,578 --> 00:16:11,594
not once
have you guys
422
00:16:11,671 --> 00:16:14,005
given me
a Mother's Day card.
423
00:16:14,081 --> 00:16:15,390
But you're not
our mother.
424
00:16:16,625 --> 00:16:17,809
Right.
425
00:16:19,545 --> 00:16:21,220
Right.
426
00:16:21,297 --> 00:16:23,347
Sorry. Excuse me.
427
00:16:23,358 --> 00:16:24,357
Wan...
428
00:16:28,387 --> 00:16:29,645
(door slams)
429
00:16:29,722 --> 00:16:30,646
Why would you go
and say
430
00:16:30,723 --> 00:16:32,732
something stupid
like that?
431
00:16:32,808 --> 00:16:34,242
I wasn't trying
to be mean.
432
00:16:34,318 --> 00:16:35,284
Well, you were.
433
00:16:36,645 --> 00:16:37,829
Ooh!
434
00:16:39,124 --> 00:16:40,123
Wanda?
435
00:16:40,199 --> 00:16:41,165
Wanda.
436
00:16:46,631 --> 00:16:48,006
You okay,
sweetheart?
437
00:16:51,535 --> 00:16:53,136
Honey, you know
I love those kids.
438
00:16:53,212 --> 00:16:54,462
Oh, I know that.
439
00:16:54,538 --> 00:16:57,298
I love them like
they're my own.
440
00:16:57,374 --> 00:16:58,307
Yeah.
441
00:17:00,961 --> 00:17:03,095
I don't think
they love me like that.
442
00:17:03,172 --> 00:17:04,513
I don't think
they ever will.
443
00:17:04,524 --> 00:17:07,141
Oh, stop that
kind of talk.
444
00:17:07,218 --> 00:17:09,018
You can't take them
serious tonight.
445
00:17:09,095 --> 00:17:11,395
They were just tripping
over that little pie.
446
00:17:11,472 --> 00:17:12,772
It's not their fault.
447
00:17:12,848 --> 00:17:14,148
It's not, you know.
448
00:17:14,159 --> 00:17:16,325
It's true what
they said in there.
449
00:17:16,402 --> 00:17:17,869
I'm not their mother.
450
00:17:19,664 --> 00:17:22,698
It's just that,
this weekend on the retreat,
451
00:17:22,775 --> 00:17:25,918
I-I felt like
I wanted that for myself.
452
00:17:25,995 --> 00:17:28,379
Like I want to be
somebody's mom.
453
00:17:33,428 --> 00:17:34,427
Whose?
454
00:17:37,081 --> 00:17:38,089
Bernie...
455
00:17:41,127 --> 00:17:42,810
I want us to have a baby.
456
00:17:44,481 --> 00:17:45,730
(clears throat)
457
00:17:49,194 --> 00:17:50,643
Come on, honey.
You couldn't...
458
00:17:50,719 --> 00:17:52,361
y-y-you can't be serious.
459
00:17:54,991 --> 00:17:56,857
What about me?!
Have you thought about me?
460
00:17:56,868 --> 00:17:58,567
No, you ain't thought about me.
461
00:17:58,644 --> 00:18:00,653
What about me?
462
00:18:00,729 --> 00:18:01,946
And I'm not no 25,
463
00:18:02,022 --> 00:18:04,040
27-year-old man no more.
464
00:18:05,776 --> 00:18:07,243
You know? I don't feel like
465
00:18:07,319 --> 00:18:08,711
going to no doggone park
466
00:18:08,788 --> 00:18:12,623
watching my kids play soccer
in no wheelchair.
467
00:18:12,700 --> 00:18:14,383
So what are you saying?
468
00:18:16,012 --> 00:18:18,846
Wanda, I guess I'm saying no.
469
00:18:21,801 --> 00:18:22,916
(whispers) Okay.
470
00:18:22,994 --> 00:18:25,728
Come on, Wanda.
Don't be like that.
471
00:18:25,805 --> 00:18:27,105
Wanda!
472
00:18:27,181 --> 00:18:28,088
America,
473
00:18:28,166 --> 00:18:29,774
I knew we never should have gone
474
00:18:29,851 --> 00:18:30,850
on that doggone retreat.
475
00:18:30,926 --> 00:18:32,685
Something told me in my heart.
476
00:18:32,761 --> 00:18:34,520
It's those doggone kids.
477
00:18:34,597 --> 00:18:35,813
Treating her like an aunt
478
00:18:35,890 --> 00:18:37,523
instead of like a mother.
479
00:18:37,600 --> 00:18:39,608
Now look.
Look at what they did.
480
00:18:39,685 --> 00:18:41,235
Now she wants
to be a mother
481
00:18:41,246 --> 00:18:42,570
instead of an aunt.
482
00:18:42,646 --> 00:18:43,871
You know what, America?
483
00:18:43,948 --> 00:18:46,415
Kids ruin everything.
484
00:18:52,740 --> 00:18:54,423
VANESSA: Aunt Wanda,
can we talk to you?
485
00:18:56,160 --> 00:18:57,510
Sure.
486
00:18:57,587 --> 00:18:59,712
I just wanted
to say I'm sorry
487
00:18:59,788 --> 00:19:01,139
about what
I said earlier.
488
00:19:02,267 --> 00:19:03,465
I know.
489
00:19:03,542 --> 00:19:04,466
But you know what?
490
00:19:04,543 --> 00:19:05,810
It's kind of crazy of me
491
00:19:05,887 --> 00:19:07,770
to expect
a Mother's Day card anyway.
492
00:19:07,847 --> 00:19:10,222
It's okay.
VANESSA:
No, it wasn't.
493
00:19:10,299 --> 00:19:12,766
I mean, you are
like our mom now
494
00:19:12,777 --> 00:19:14,768
and we want
to say thanks.
495
00:19:14,779 --> 00:19:16,770
Yeah.
496
00:19:16,781 --> 00:19:18,564
Would some...
497
00:19:18,575 --> 00:19:20,733
Chocolate
Thunder Pie help?
498
00:19:20,809 --> 00:19:23,119
Oh, now that's
worth a shot.
499
00:19:25,272 --> 00:19:26,780
Thank you, guys.
500
00:19:26,791 --> 00:19:28,657
I love you.
501
00:19:28,668 --> 00:19:29,959
KIDS: Love you, too.
502
00:19:35,491 --> 00:19:36,424
WANDA: Good night.
503
00:19:37,785 --> 00:19:38,876
Aw, man,
504
00:19:38,953 --> 00:19:41,170
look at her out there.
505
00:19:41,247 --> 00:19:43,839
I mean, what am I
gonna do, America?
506
00:19:43,850 --> 00:19:45,007
The truth is,
507
00:19:45,084 --> 00:19:46,800
Wanda would make a great mom.
508
00:19:46,811 --> 00:19:48,802
She already is.
509
00:19:48,879 --> 00:19:50,012
And I have to admit,
510
00:19:50,089 --> 00:19:52,315
somewhere in the back
of my mind,
511
00:19:52,391 --> 00:19:53,682
I've always wondered
512
00:19:53,759 --> 00:19:55,017
what a mini-me
513
00:19:55,094 --> 00:19:57,820
and what a mini-her
would be like.
514
00:19:57,897 --> 00:19:59,280
Definitely cute.
515
00:20:00,474 --> 00:20:01,449
You know.
516
00:20:02,619 --> 00:20:04,577
I mean, but...
517
00:20:04,654 --> 00:20:06,695
it's just a fact of nature.
518
00:20:06,706 --> 00:20:09,949
Having a kid changes
everything, America.
519
00:20:10,025 --> 00:20:10,833
You know that.
520
00:20:10,910 --> 00:20:12,460
You know that's huge.
521
00:20:13,821 --> 00:20:15,880
And it wasn't part
of the plan.
522
00:20:17,917 --> 00:20:18,925
Oh, America,
523
00:20:19,001 --> 00:20:22,002
what do I do?
524
00:20:22,079 --> 00:20:23,346
What do I do?
525
00:20:25,874 --> 00:20:29,352
(upbeat music playing)
526
00:20:29,428 --> 00:20:30,561
(clears throat)
527
00:20:36,010 --> 00:20:37,059
SINGER: ♪ When I wake up ♪
528
00:20:37,136 --> 00:20:40,479
♪ In the morning, love ♪
529
00:20:40,556 --> 00:20:43,574
You mean?
SINGER: ♪ And the sunlighthurts my eyes ♪
530
00:20:45,227 --> 00:20:47,620
Under one condition,
Wanda,
531
00:20:47,697 --> 00:20:49,330
and I do mean one.
532
00:20:50,607 --> 00:20:51,782
That my den
533
00:20:51,859 --> 00:20:55,703
never, ever
534
00:20:55,779 --> 00:20:57,255
becomes a nursery.
535
00:20:58,624 --> 00:21:00,049
You got that?
536
00:21:01,785 --> 00:21:03,094
I love you.
537
00:21:04,889 --> 00:21:06,213
I love you, too.
538
00:21:06,290 --> 00:21:08,182
Honey, what made you
change your mind?
539
00:21:10,502 --> 00:21:11,435
You.
540
00:21:13,881 --> 00:21:16,098
Thank you.
541
00:21:16,175 --> 00:21:18,142
Thank you, honey.
SINGER: ♪ ...lovely day ♪
542
00:21:18,152 --> 00:21:19,443
♪ Lovely day... ♪
543
00:21:23,974 --> 00:21:26,075
Come on, it's a little
bit too quiet in here.
544
00:21:26,152 --> 00:21:28,027
Somebody got to have
545
00:21:28,037 --> 00:21:30,079
something to say,
geez.
546
00:21:31,899 --> 00:21:34,700
You might want
to roll the window down.
547
00:21:34,711 --> 00:21:38,412
Oh, my God.
548
00:21:38,423 --> 00:21:40,214
(laughing)
549
00:21:43,744 --> 00:21:44,918
(coughing)
550
00:21:44,995 --> 00:21:46,137
Oh...
551
00:21:47,081 --> 00:21:49,798
Oh, man.
Oh, man.
552
00:21:49,875 --> 00:21:51,100
Oh, man.
553
00:21:57,091 --> 00:21:58,190
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