All language subtitles for The.Bernie.Mac.Show.S05E09.Prison.Break.1080p.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-squalor_track3_[eng]

(theme music playing)

America, you know
you ain't safe!

Nobody's safe!

They're in your neighborhoods,
your schools, your home!

Cold-blooded criminals.
That's right.

I'm talking about
your children.

They're public enemy #1.

(dramatic music playing)

Oh, check it out,
check it out.

There she is.

JORDAN:
Oh, Trina,
she's beautiful.

"She's beautiful."

Why don't you just
marry her then?

Because at my age
It wouldn't even be
a legal contract

unless I went down
to the Ozarks.

But even then...
Dude, dude.

I dare you to go over
and touch her butt.

BOY: Yeah.

Touch her booty.

I can't do that.

-I knew it.
You're such a punk.
-Chicken.

Wait, wait, wait a minute.

Okay, hold on.
I'll do it.

It's no big deal,
right?

Dude, it's easy.

Okay.

(Curtis Mayfield: "Little Child
Runnin' Wild" playing)

SISTER:
I just wanted
to remind you...

Oh, my gracious!

Oh, no, no,
not that to you!

(students laughing)

♪ Runnin' wild ♪

♪ Watch a while ♪

♪ You see he never smiles ♪

♪ Broken home ♪

♪ Father gone ♪

♪ Mama tired ♪

♪ So he's all alone ♪

Excuse me,
Bryana.

Yes, Father?
All your other
quizzes

were signed
"Bernard McCullough."

But this paper
here was signed,

"Who ya wit? Bernie Mac."

♪ Little child ♪

♪ Running wild ♪

You know what your problem is?

I treat you too doggone good.

Ever since you all
came to California,

especially you, Jordan,
you done lost
your doggone mind.

You know better to invade
a woman's personal space.

Especially a nun!

But...
But nothing.

Old freak pervert.

I'm going to do to you what
Big Mama would have done to me.

I want you all to
go to your rooms.

And I mean
don't do nothing.

You better not even
breathe heavy.

I don't even want
to see a smile.

If you do, I better see a smile
wipe right behind it.

Now get on out
of here!

(dramatic music playing)

Hey, Uncle Bernie.

Hey, baby.

I thought you were at
a golf tournament all day.

I was.

I got called away.

Jordan and Baby Girl
got in trouble.

Really?
Pfft, kids, huh?

Mm.

Say, what you doing home
this time?

I told you, Uncle Bernie.

I got early dismissal
for the college fair
in Century City.

You don't smell
like you've been
at no college fair.

(sniffs) Matter of fact,
you smell more or less
like cocoa butter.

Got to keep my skin smooth.

She's lying!

She don't have to keep
her skin smooth, America,

'cause good black don't crack.

But I'm going to crack her,
because she didn't go

to no college fair, America!

Bernie Mac is on the case.

So, honey, you had
to punish them all?

Everyone except that evil one.

She'll slip up,
and when she does,

she's all mine.

Ah, if she's guilty.

"If she's guilty"?

Baby, I don't
need no proof.

Huh, my gut.

Okay, I understand
why you punished 'em.

Ooh, honey, remember.

Damian's fund-raising
carnival Sunday.

Of course, yeah.

Honey, come on now.
It's for the kids.

And I'm the chair
of the event.

Hey, no worries,
we'll be there.

They'll be off punishment
by then. Don't worry.

Okay.

All right, kids, chow time.

(gasps)

(breathes heavily)

(gaming gunfire
and music playing)

(door opens)

He's coming out!

(Inner Circle:
"Bad Boys" playing)

♪ Bad boys, whatcha want? ♪

♪ Watcha want,
whatcha gonna do? ♪

♪ Whatcha gonna do
when they come for you? ♪

♪ Bad boys, bad boys
whatcha gonna do? ♪

See?

When Big Mama would send me
to my bedroom,

that's all there was:
a bed and a room.

No, not these kids.
They have too much.

This here is like
Martha Stewart-type prison.

They need a hardcore prison.

Lil' Kim-type, you know?

I'm going to tighten up
the reins.

Huh, they now on lockdown.

There's a new warden in town.

(dramatic empty whoosh)

(organ plays a hollow note)

Welcome to lockdown,
Mac style.

And can you believe
it comes to this, America?

I had to lock these kids up.

You can't
just lock kids up.

I mean, Judge Mablean,

I don't know what
you're talking about.

You don't know
nothing about this.

You're just a divorce
court judge. Huh.

Well, they don't just
give you the job.

I worked in
the City Attorney's Office

over five years
as a child advocate.

Did you read them
their rights, Bernie?

Did you give them
due process?

I don't know anything
about no due process.

The only rights I know,
is up here is Mac rights.

You better watch
your tone.

I'll throw you
out of my court.

I mean, Miss Honor,
I don't know

where the heck
you think you at.

But this is my house.
My court.

They just give kids
to anybody these days.

You had company
here yesterday!
Now come clean!

I don't know what
you're talking about.

BERNIE:
Don't play games with me,
little girl.

Let me--

Can I talk to you?

Sweetie, we're not dealing
with children anymore, okay?

Vanessa's a mature
young lady.

Now, now, now,
these intimidating tactics,

they're not going to work.

I think we should
do something

in a more
thoughtful manner.

Let me try.

(clears throat)

Vanessa, did you go
to the college fair?

Yes, I did.
Okay,
I believe you.

My work here is done.

When they get older, America,

that's when you need
to lean on them more!

"Vanessa a mature young lady."

No. She's a lying young lady.

Huh, yeah.

What happened
to French toast?

We always have French
toast on Saturday.

That's for free citizens.

Not for people who cheat
and lie like you two.

Now get to your room.

They look sad.
Honey, this is
just too much.

You know what,
tomorrow I want us
to be a happy family.

Yeah, they'll be happy.
They'll be happy
if they see the sun!

They did the crime,
Wanda.

Okay, yeah, I know
they have to do the time.

But you know what?
I need them to be off of
punishment at the fair.

You can punish them before
and after, just not during.

You be nice.

(growls) Yeah, baby.

(detective-mode music playing)

Oh.

Exhibit "A."
You want to tell me
what this is, Nessa?

It looks like
an ID bracelet.

I got you dead to right.

If wasn't nobody
in my house Friday,

explain this to me
then, Nessa.

Uncle Bernie, it's mine.

They were giving them away
at the college fair,

and I thought
I lost mine,

but thanks
for finding it for me.

JORDAN:
Bryana. Bryana.

(in sing-song voice)
Bryana!

What? Where are you?

Go to the vent.

It's 3:00.

It's about time
for your daily

marshmallow crispy treat.

Yeah, you got some?

No, calm down.

I know where
you can get some.

-Where?
-In the bathroom,

wrapped in wax paper
behind the toilet.

-Thanks.
-No, no, slow down, slow down.

This is going to
cost you some moolah.

Moolah? Huh?

Moolah, money.

Because I know for a fact
Uncle Bernie left
your piggy bank intact.

I want it.
But don't worry.
Don't worry.

It'll be worth it.
My stuff is the best.

Can't you just
feel the butter
in your veins?

I need it.

BRYANA:
Uncle Bernie,

I have to
use the bathroom.

Well, go then!

It got Howard on there.
Yeah.

Howard University.

In Washington, DC.

You think you're slick,
don't you?

Oh, you think
you're real clever.

Well, let me tell you
something, Nessa.

I'm the eyes and the ears
in this house,

and don't you forget it.

I'm watching you.

That was only half.
I need some more.

Where's the other half?

You got what you got.

I paid you $35.

I should get
an uncut treat.

You want to get your stuff

from somewhere else,
then get it.

I hear Uncle Bernie coming.

Psst, psst.

Uncle Bernie.
Uncle Bernie.

Hey, don't "psst, psst," me.
What is it?

I might have some information

that I think
you'll be interested in.
All right, go ahead.

But first,
maybe we can work out a deal.

Marshmallow crispy treats
and...

mm... some chocolate milk.

Okay.

Spill it.

All right, Jordan,
where is it?

I don't know
what you're talking about.

You're going to the hole,
Jordan.

What's the hole?

(door grates shut)

(sobbing)
Oh, no...

Why me?

Wipe that smile off your face!
No one likes a snitch!

You still on punishment,
Baby Girl.

What about my marshmallow
crispy treats?

I don't make deals
with stool pigeons.

Now get to your room.

Huh.

That's funny.

You've got a closet
full of towels.
That's funny now?

Yeah, because laundry
isn't done until Tuesday.

Know what that means?

That nobody took
a shower this week?

No. Why would someone
do laundry before Tuesday

out of the goodness
of their heart?

I'm sure you're gonna tell me.

One: it's a cover-up.

Two: You had
a pool party.

I did wash the towels.

But only because Aunt Wanda
was busy with the fair.

So I guess I did do it
out of the goodness
of my heart.

You don't have any evidence
against that girl.

Judge, I have my gut,
and that's all I need.

Your gut doesn't stand up
in a court of law.

My gut's above the law.

(Luther Vandross:
"Going In Circles" playing)

♪ I'm an ever-rolling wheel ♪

♪ Without a destination real ♪

(speaking foreign language)

♪ I'm an ever spinning top ♪

♪ Whirling around
'till I drop ♪

(chanting)
Nom yo ho renge kyo,

nom yo ho renge kyo,
nom yo ho renge kyo,

nom yo ho renge kyo,

nom yo...

(footsteps)

Thank God you came.

You have gone
too far this time!
Wanda,
you don't understand.

Those kids been trying
to get over all day.

If you were here, you would
have done the same thing.

No, Bernie, you went
beyond discipline.

Wanda, it's my gut.
Yeah, right,
your gut.

And your gut could be wrong.
You know, you owe Vanessa
an apology for harassment.

Oh, yes, you do, mister.

And those children
are officially
off of punishment.

We are going to
the Damian Fun Fair

and you are going to have
the time of your life.

(door slams)

America, my baby Wanda
is living in a fantasy world.

She doesn't know those kids.

See, I'm from the streets,
South Side, Chitown I might add.

Anyway...
see, I know the hustle.

You'll see. Bernie Mac
will be proven right.

Just because Wanda's
soft on crime

doesn't mean I am, America.

But for peace with Wanda,
I act like I'm handing in
my badge.

Let her think
the case is closed.

I'll just have to
go undercover.

Let evil reveal itself.

She'll trip up.

(ringing)

GIRL (on phone):
Hello?

They're gone.

Gone?
WANDA:
Yes, honey.

I told you
I wanted them
to have fun.

I wanted children
who didn't cheat
and touch nuns.

But we all can't
have what we want.

MAN:
Hey.

Hey, pretty little girl.

First toss is free.

WOMAN:
Haven't seen them.
Nuh-uh.

Nuh-uh.

Nuh-uh.

GIRL:
Should we try this?

JORDAN:
You shouldn't
waste your money.

The likelihood
of winning this game
is one-in-40.

Whatever.
What's wrong with you, kid?
You're killing me.

People don't care
about the money.

They just want to enjoy
playing the game.

Really?
People just enjoy
playing the game?

Hmm.

JORDAN:
Nope, sorry. It's right here.
Watch the pretty lady, folks.

Got to watch the pretty lady.
Watch that card.

Come on, can you see it?
Can you see it?

(funky dance music playing)

How long
do we have?
They'll be gone all day.

So we'll just do what
we did last time?

You know the drill.

Hey, Howard.
Hmm?

This is yours.

And you know you're
not supposed to be
in the kitchen.

Sorry.

Ooh.
Can I have
another free toss?

Sorry, kid.

Nothing in life
is free.

Excuse me.
Can I have some
money, please?

BERNIE:
Yeah.
Hey!

Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.

(funky dance music continues)

It's time.

(indistinct shouting)

(blow drier humming)

So you guys
got your books?

Of course.
We wouldn't let you down.

Good, 'cause we can't afford
to make any mistakes.

I wonder where your
Uncle Bernie and Jordan are.

-It's really time to go.
-Wanda.

Our own VP in the flesh.
Well, what are you doing here?

Hi, Stan. My niece goes here.

This is my niece, Bryana.

I didn't know this
cute little girl was yours.

I see you won the dinosaur.

I guess my ten dollars
helped out.

Wait, wait,
your ten dollars?
Mm-hmm.

Come on,
Aunt Wanda, I think
I see Uncle Bernie--

No, no, no.

You got money from a stranger?

You had none in your purse.

Wait a minute.
You went in my purse
without my permission?

Have you lost your mind?

Mrs. Mac, I know when you
planned this event,

it didn't involve
an illegal card game.

What did you do, Jordan?

We'll talk about it Monday
in my office, Mrs. Mac.

Sorry.

See you, Stan.

-Ow.
-Ow.

Listen up, the two of you.

Now you may think your
Uncle Bernie punished you bad,

but that's cupcakes
compared to what
I'm gonna do. Move it.

I told her.
I knew it was too soon
for them to be paroled,

but did she listen? No!

(slow song playing)

Hello, ladies.

How was your day today?

Pretty quiet.
We just studied.

Wow, now that's beautiful.

Can I get you all anything?

Water, snack,
lollipop?

No, thanks.
No?

Okay, I was just asking.

Oh, almost forgot.

Can I ask you all
a question?

By chance,
did either one of y'all
swim in my pool lately?

'Cause I put some
special solution in there,

it's invisible
to the naked eye.

But with this black light,
you'll glow in the dark.

Who wants to be first?

Come on,
step right up.

Hurry, hurry.

Don't be bashful.
Come on.

Run on up.
Come on.

Now, if you tell the truth,
I'll go easy on you.

All right.

Suit yourself.
Might sting a little.

Okay, okay,
we had a party here.
I'm so sorry, Vanessa.

-Please, don't tell
our parents.
-I'll call you later.

You didn't put any special
solution in the pool.

Prove it.

(dramatic music playing)

Now, America,

everyone learned a little
something today.

Why, Nessa-- she learned
that she's gonna slip up.

And I'm gonna catch her.

And Wanda, my baby learned that
when the Mac man's gut speak,

it needs to be heeded.

Hmm.
Hmm, nothing.
I was right.

I won my case.
And how you like
me now, Judge?

You got that confession
out of those poor little girls

because of entrapment.

And you're a bully.
I don't like bullies.

If it were me, I'd throw you
and that case out of court.

Judge, you just soft
on crime, that's all.

Don't matter
how I got it.

I got it and they
off the streets.

(door slams)

Shut up.

SINGER: ♪ Ho ho ♪

♪ Somebody help me up ♪

just not during.

You be nice.

Give me a kiss.

See ya.

They just give kids
to anybody!

What... what she mean
by that, America?

I'll press charges,
careful there,

I'll press charges.

Hit me with it.
Go ahead.

MAN:
Cut!

Captioned by Visual Data