Original subtitles

(theme music playing)

America, you know you ain't safe!

Nobody's safe!

They're in your neighborhoods, your schools, your home!

Cold-blooded criminals. That's right.

I'm talking about your children.

They're public enemy #1.

(dramatic music playing)

Oh, check it out, check it out.

There she is.

JORDAN: Oh, Trina, she's beautiful.

"She's beautiful."

Why don't you just marry her then?

Because at my age It wouldn't even be a legal contract

unless I went down to the Ozarks.

But even then... Dude, dude.

I dare you to go over and touch her butt.

BOY: Yeah.

Touch her booty.

I can't do that.

-I knew it. You're such a punk. -Chicken.

Wait, wait, wait a minute.

Okay, hold on. I'll do it.

It's no big deal, right?

Dude, it's easy.

Okay.

(Curtis Mayfield: "Little Child Runnin' Wild" playing)

SISTER: I just wanted to remind you...

Oh, my gracious!

Oh, no, no, not that to you!

(students laughing)

♪ Runnin' wild ♪

♪ Watch a while ♪

♪ You see he never smiles ♪

♪ Broken home ♪

♪ Father gone ♪

♪ Mama tired ♪

♪ So he's all alone ♪

Excuse me, Bryana.

Yes, Father? All your other quizzes

were signed "Bernard McCullough."

But this paper here was signed,

"Who ya wit? Bernie Mac."

♪ Little child ♪

♪ Running wild ♪

You know what your problem is?

I treat you too doggone good.

Ever since you all came to California,

especially you, Jordan, you done lost your doggone mind.

You know better to invade a woman's personal space.

Especially a nun!

But... But nothing.

Old freak pervert.

I'm going to do to you what Big Mama would have done to me.

I want you all to go to your rooms.

And I mean don't do nothing.

You better not even breathe heavy.

I don't even want to see a smile.

If you do, I better see a smile wipe right behind it.

Now get on out of here!

(dramatic music playing)

Hey, Uncle Bernie.

Hey, baby.

I thought you were at a golf tournament all day.

I was.

I got called away.

Jordan and Baby Girl got in trouble.

Really? Pfft, kids, huh?

Mm.

Say, what you doing home this time?

I told you, Uncle Bernie.

I got early dismissal for the college fair in Century City.

You don't smell like you've been at no college fair.

(sniffs) Matter of fact, you smell more or less like cocoa butter.

Got to keep my skin smooth.

She's lying!

She don't have to keep her skin smooth, America,

'cause good black don't crack.

But I'm going to crack her, because she didn't go

to no college fair, America!

Bernie Mac is on the case.

So, honey, you had to punish them all?

Everyone except that evil one.

She'll slip up, and when she does,

she's all mine.

Ah, if she's guilty.

"If she's guilty"?

Baby, I don't need no proof.

Huh, my gut.

Okay, I understand why you punished 'em.

Ooh, honey, remember.

Damian's fund-raising carnival Sunday.

Of course, yeah.

Honey, come on now. It's for the kids.

And I'm the chair of the event.

Hey, no worries, we'll be there.

They'll be off punishment by then. Don't worry.

Okay.

All right, kids, chow time.

(gasps)

(breathes heavily)

(gaming gunfire and music playing)

(door opens)

He's coming out!

(Inner Circle: "Bad Boys" playing)

♪ Bad boys, whatcha want? ♪

♪ Watcha want, whatcha gonna do? ♪

♪ Whatcha gonna do when they come for you? ♪

♪ Bad boys, bad boys whatcha gonna do? ♪

See?

When Big Mama would send me to my bedroom,

that's all there was: a bed and a room.

No, not these kids. They have too much.

This here is like Martha Stewart-type prison.

They need a hardcore prison.

Lil' Kim-type, you know?

I'm going to tighten up the reins.

Huh, they now on lockdown.

There's a new warden in town.

(dramatic empty whoosh)

(organ plays a hollow note)

Welcome to lockdown, Mac style.

And can you believe it comes to this, America?

I had to lock these kids up.

You can't just lock kids up.

I mean, Judge Mablean,

I don't know what you're talking about.

You don't know nothing about this.

You're just a divorce court judge. Huh.

Well, they don't just give you the job.

I worked in the City Attorney's Office

over five years as a child advocate.

Did you read them their rights, Bernie?

Did you give them due process?

I don't know anything about no due process.

The only rights I know, is up here is Mac rights.

You better watch your tone.

I'll throw you out of my court.

I mean, Miss Honor, I don't know

where the heck you think you at.

But this is my house. My court.

They just give kids to anybody these days.

You had company here yesterday! Now come clean!

I don't know what you're talking about.

BERNIE: Don't play games with me, little girl.

Let me--

Can I talk to you?

Sweetie, we're not dealing with children anymore, okay?

Vanessa's a mature young lady.

Now, now, now, these intimidating tactics,

they're not going to work.

I think we should do something

in a more thoughtful manner.

Let me try.

(clears throat)

Vanessa, did you go to the college fair?

Yes, I did. Okay, I believe you.

My work here is done.

When they get older, America,

that's when you need to lean on them more!

"Vanessa a mature young lady."

No. She's a lying young lady.

Huh, yeah.

What happened to French toast?

We always have French toast on Saturday.

That's for free citizens.

Not for people who cheat and lie like you two.

Now get to your room.

They look sad. Honey, this is just too much.

You know what, tomorrow I want us to be a happy family.

Yeah, they'll be happy. They'll be happy if they see the sun!

They did the crime, Wanda.

Okay, yeah, I know they have to do the time.

But you know what? I need them to be off of punishment at the fair.

You can punish them before and after, just not during.

You be nice.

(growls) Yeah, baby.

(detective-mode music playing)

Oh.

Exhibit "A." You want to tell me what this is, Nessa?

It looks like an ID bracelet.

I got you dead to right.

If wasn't nobody in my house Friday,

explain this to me then, Nessa.

Uncle Bernie, it's mine.

They were giving them away at the college fair,

and I thought I lost mine,

but thanks for finding it for me.

JORDAN: Bryana. Bryana.

(in sing-song voice) Bryana!

What? Where are you?

Go to the vent.

It's 3:00.

It's about time for your daily

marshmallow crispy treat.

Yeah, you got some?

No, calm down.

I know where you can get some.

-Where? -In the bathroom,

wrapped in wax paper behind the toilet.

-Thanks. -No, no, slow down, slow down.

This is going to cost you some moolah.

Moolah? Huh?

Moolah, money.

Because I know for a fact Uncle Bernie left your piggy bank intact.

I want it. But don't worry. Don't worry.

It'll be worth it. My stuff is the best.

Can't you just feel the butter in your veins?

I need it.

BRYANA: Uncle Bernie,

I have to use the bathroom.

Well, go then!

It got Howard on there. Yeah.

Howard University.

In Washington, DC.

You think you're slick, don't you?

Oh, you think you're real clever.

Well, let me tell you something, Nessa.

I'm the eyes and the ears in this house,

and don't you forget it.

I'm watching you.

That was only half. I need some more.

Where's the other half?

You got what you got.

I paid you $35.

I should get an uncut treat.

You want to get your stuff

from somewhere else, then get it.

I hear Uncle Bernie coming.

Psst, psst.

Uncle Bernie. Uncle Bernie.

Hey, don't "psst, psst," me. What is it?

I might have some information

that I think you'll be interested in. All right, go ahead.

But first, maybe we can work out a deal.

Marshmallow crispy treats and...

mm... some chocolate milk.

Okay.

Spill it.

All right, Jordan, where is it?

I don't know what you're talking about.

You're going to the hole, Jordan.

What's the hole?

(door grates shut)

(sobbing) Oh, no...

Why me?

Wipe that smile off your face! No one likes a snitch!

You still on punishment, Baby Girl.

What about my marshmallow crispy treats?

I don't make deals with stool pigeons.

Now get to your room.

Huh.

That's funny.

You've got a closet full of towels. That's funny now?

Yeah, because laundry isn't done until Tuesday.

Know what that means?

That nobody took a shower this week?

No. Why would someone do laundry before Tuesday

out of the goodness of their heart?

I'm sure you're gonna tell me.

One: it's a cover-up.

Two: You had a pool party.

I did wash the towels.

But only because Aunt Wanda was busy with the fair.

So I guess I did do it out of the goodness of my heart.

You don't have any evidence against that girl.

Judge, I have my gut, and that's all I need.

Your gut doesn't stand up in a court of law.

My gut's above the law.

(Luther Vandross: "Going In Circles" playing)

♪ I'm an ever-rolling wheel ♪

♪ Without a destination real ♪

(speaking foreign language)

♪ I'm an ever spinning top ♪

♪ Whirling around 'till I drop ♪

(chanting) Nom yo ho renge kyo,

nom yo ho renge kyo, nom yo ho renge kyo,

nom yo ho renge kyo,

nom yo...

(footsteps)

Thank God you came.

You have gone too far this time! Wanda, you don't understand.

Those kids been trying to get over all day.

If you were here, you would have done the same thing.

No, Bernie, you went beyond discipline.

Wanda, it's my gut. Yeah, right, your gut.

And your gut could be wrong. You know, you owe Vanessa an apology for harassment.

Oh, yes, you do, mister.

And those children are officially off of punishment.

We are going to the Damian Fun Fair

and you are going to have the time of your life.

(door slams)

America, my baby Wanda is living in a fantasy world.

She doesn't know those kids.

See, I'm from the streets, South Side, Chitown I might add.

Anyway... see, I know the hustle.

You'll see. Bernie Mac will be proven right.

Just because Wanda's soft on crime

doesn't mean I am, America.

But for peace with Wanda, I act like I'm handing in my badge.

Let her think the case is closed.

I'll just have to go undercover.

Let evil reveal itself.

She'll trip up.

(ringing)

GIRL (on phone): Hello?

They're gone.

Gone? WANDA: Yes, honey.

I told you I wanted them to have fun.

I wanted children who didn't cheat and touch nuns.

But we all can't have what we want.

MAN: Hey.

Hey, pretty little girl.

First toss is free.

WOMAN: Haven't seen them. Nuh-uh.

Nuh-uh.

Nuh-uh.

GIRL: Should we try this?

JORDAN: You shouldn't waste your money.

The likelihood of winning this game is one-in-40.

Whatever. What's wrong with you, kid? You're killing me.

People don't care about the money.

They just want to enjoy playing the game.

Really? People just enjoy playing the game?

Hmm.

JORDAN: Nope, sorry. It's right here. Watch the pretty lady, folks.

Got to watch the pretty lady. Watch that card.

Come on, can you see it? Can you see it?

(funky dance music playing)

How long do we have? They'll be gone all day.

So we'll just do what we did last time?

You know the drill.

Hey, Howard. Hmm?

This is yours.

And you know you're not supposed to be in the kitchen.

Sorry.

Ooh. Can I have another free toss?

Sorry, kid.

Nothing in life is free.

Excuse me. Can I have some money, please?

BERNIE: Yeah. Hey!

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

(funky dance music continues)

It's time.

(indistinct shouting)

(blow drier humming)

So you guys got your books?

Of course. We wouldn't let you down.

Good, 'cause we can't afford to make any mistakes.

I wonder where your Uncle Bernie and Jordan are.

-It's really time to go. -Wanda.

Our own VP in the flesh. Well, what are you doing here?

Hi, Stan. My niece goes here.

This is my niece, Bryana.

I didn't know this cute little girl was yours.

I see you won the dinosaur.

I guess my ten dollars helped out.

Wait, wait, your ten dollars? Mm-hmm.

Come on, Aunt Wanda, I think I see Uncle Bernie--

No, no, no.

You got money from a stranger?

You had none in your purse.

Wait a minute. You went in my purse without my permission?

Have you lost your mind?

Mrs. Mac, I know when you planned this event,

it didn't involve an illegal card game.

What did you do, Jordan?

We'll talk about it Monday in my office, Mrs. Mac.

Sorry.

See you, Stan.

-Ow. -Ow.

Listen up, the two of you.

Now you may think your Uncle Bernie punished you bad,

but that's cupcakes compared to what I'm gonna do. Move it.

I told her. I knew it was too soon for them to be paroled,

but did she listen? No!

(slow song playing)

Hello, ladies.

How was your day today?

Pretty quiet. We just studied.

Wow, now that's beautiful.

Can I get you all anything?

Water, snack, lollipop?

No, thanks. No?

Okay, I was just asking.

Oh, almost forgot.

Can I ask you all a question?

By chance, did either one of y'all swim in my pool lately?

'Cause I put some special solution in there,

it's invisible to the naked eye.

But with this black light, you'll glow in the dark.

Who wants to be first?

Come on, step right up.

Hurry, hurry.

Don't be bashful. Come on.

Run on up. Come on.

Now, if you tell the truth, I'll go easy on you.

All right.

Suit yourself. Might sting a little.

Okay, okay, we had a party here. I'm so sorry, Vanessa.

-Please, don't tell our parents. -I'll call you later.

You didn't put any special solution in the pool.

Prove it.

(dramatic music playing)

Now, America,

everyone learned a little something today.

Why, Nessa-- she learned that she's gonna slip up.

And I'm gonna catch her.

And Wanda, my baby learned that when the Mac man's gut speak,

it needs to be heeded.

Hmm. Hmm, nothing. I was right.

I won my case. And how you like me now, Judge?

You got that confession out of those poor little girls

because of entrapment.

And you're a bully. I don't like bullies.

If it were me, I'd throw you and that case out of court.

Judge, you just soft on crime, that's all.

Don't matter how I got it.

I got it and they off the streets.

(door slams)

Shut up.

SINGER: ♪ Ho ho ♪

♪ Somebody help me up ♪

just not during.

You be nice.

Give me a kiss.

See ya.

They just give kids to anybody!

What... what she mean by that, America?

I'll press charges, careful there,

I'll press charges.

Hit me with it. Go ahead.

MAN: Cut!

Captioned by Visual Data