Original subtitles

(theme music playing)

(upbeat music playing)

-Uncle Bernie, can I help you barbecue? -No, sir. No. Uh-uh.

Aw, you always say no. When can I help?

When can he help? When weenies fly.

America, the last time I tried to teach him to barbecue,

all he wanted to do was stick his fist in the chicken's butt.

I'm scared to leave him alone with a link.

Little freak.

Still, every man wants someone

to pass his barbecue secrets down to, you know?

That's just... just the way it is.

Okay, son. Tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna give you a test.

-If you pass this test, I'll teach you how to barbecue. -Okay.

Now, I want you to flip the burgers over.

Not a second too early, and not a second too late.

You understand me?

But--But how will I know?

Trust the meat.

(grill sizzling)

(clanging)

(groans)

These burgers are disgusting.

Yeah, they're a little bit... burnt.

Why y'all looking at me?

Jordan, you wanna tell them what happened?

I-I didn't trust the meat.

You didn't trust something.

Hey, hey, hey! You can't go wasting food, now.

Mmm! These burgers are mm-mmm good, little man! Mmm!

You cwazy.

Mmm! Oh, thank you, princess.

(smacking lips) Mmm!

Gimme another one.

He thinks everything in my house tastes good.

(imitates chewing food) 'Cause it's free.

Look, America, I'm glad the man moved out here

to be close to his daughter, but I don't think

he counted on how expensive kids are.

Especially Elizabeth Taylor over here.

Yeah... (sighing)

Mm-hmm... yeah...

Already... (stammers) out of control.

Look out, brother! They're about to let a spike strip down.

Swerve! Swerve!

Ooh!

Oh, man. Look at that!

They got a brother rollin' on rims.

Ooh, ooh. Oh, okay. Watch this, watch this.

Look, in a second,

they're gonna find his stash in his pocket.

How do you know that, Daddy?

That's because I'm observant. You see, me.

I don't miss nothing. VANESSA: Bryan?

Yeah?

Do you mind? What?

If you wanna talk to the screen,

go down to the Magic Johnson Theater.

Mmm. My bad.

Can we go to the movies, Daddy?

Naw.

Princess, we can watch a movie right now.

Okay, now, which one is the movie button on the remote?

No, she means she wants to go to the movie theater.

Where she can get buttered popcorn and licorice.

Oh, you just want some popcorn, princes?

I'm pretty sure Uncle Bernie wouldn't mind popping us some popcorn.

Uh... Bernie!

Bernie!

BERNIE: What?

Hey, man, would you mind popping us some popcorn?

Uh, with extra butter. Uh, a little salt.

Anything else? Yeah!

Some of that cheesy spray, if you got some!

(to himself): "Some of that cheese spray, if you got it."

Some folks don't know when to go home. I...

What the...?

Who in the hell bit off this pear

and put it back in the basket?

Don't make no doggone sense.

Look at this.

Bit the pear, put it in the basket,

garbage all on the floor...

(sighs)

Animals!

Bunch of doggone animals. You hear me?

I'm living with a bunch of animals!

You hear what I said?

A bunch of doggone animals.

Oh, my... (screams)

Let's go see what that is.

Hey, hey, hey, Bernie.

Everything cool, man? What's up?

Look!

WANDA: (gasps) Ooh, my dear Lord, what is it?

It's a rat! It's a possum.

It's ugly. Hey, hey, we better get this outta here.

Hey, Bernie, where's your gat, man? My what?

Your gun. Your--Your toolie, man. Your--Your piece.

Don't tell me you're livin' this phat

and you ain't got no heat up in the house.

I ain't got no gat, fool. This ain't the ghetto.

Tell that to that big ass rat in this kitchen.

This is a custom-made floor. You think I'm gonna shoot it up?

Y'all got too much damn money.

(grunting)

(shuddering)

(door shuts)

Okay, it's gone.

You sure, baby?

-Oh, my goodness. -What?

My man is scared of a little bitty old rat.

I ain't afraid of no rat, man.

It just ca--caught me by... by surprise.

Oh! Oh, okay. Uh...

'Cause it look like you were scared.

Naw.

Shoot, I'm a man about mine.

Oh, get on down there, man.

It's all cool. (chuckling)

There he is! Watch out! He's behind you! (cackling)

Quit playing, man.

(squeaking)

I checked your soffits and your subbasement.

There are no other openings,

so just keep your patio doors closed,

and that should prevent it from coming inside again.

Well, what about outside? Well, you can always set a trap.

Oh, no. I don't want to trap it.

Uh... Well, you know the solution.

Pop, pop.

We're not getting a gun.

Actually, some people do get BB guns to scare 'em.

BRYAN: See? See?

And he's an expert.

No gun. (sighs)

Any alternatives?

Feed it some of your cooking. (chuckling)

(sighs) You know, I can't believe

Animal Control didn't have any better idea

than shut the door.

Well, what about that BB gun idea?

Oh, no, honey. There will be no gun in this house of any kind.

Well, Wanda, you the one got us moved out here

in the middle of Wild Kingdom.

I wanted to move over there in Wilshire Corridor,

with a real doorman, with civilized people.

That's enough, honey.

(chuckles) Good night.

Mmm... good night.

Good night, babe. I love you.

Love you, too. (sighs)

Honey? Yeah?

How soon can you get that gun?

We got a BB gun? Oh, thank you, Lord.

Now there's hope for a dirt bike.

No, it's not, and there ain't no hope for you ever touching this gun,

so you can stop praying to Jesus.

What? But that's not fair! First I miss the possum.

Now I can't even touch the BB gun? That's right.

I can't even trust you with a salad shooter.

And you think I'm gonna allow you to fire this gun?

No, sir. Uh-uh.

There's only one person in this house gonna handle this gun.

Here you go, Bryan. Oh, oh!

Go out there and catch that thang for me.

Oh, all right, Bernie!

Earn all the burgers that you ate.

So, you gonna come hunting with us, Uncle Bernie?

No, son, I got things to do.

Uh... What things?

Mind-your-business-type things.

Oh, it's probably best that you stay inside

with the womenfolk anyway.

Let the real men do the hunting, right, J?

Right, Bry guy.

Oh please.

Whoa! Whoa!

I ain't scared of that possum.

I just don't wanna sit outside

on a hot summer evening, that's all.

The mosquitoes and stuff all out there.

They got the West Nile Virus now.

They lay their eggs and stay in the water, you know.

America, drain your pools and fountains.

Well, I didn't have any camouflage,

but you can wear the ski mask.

Man, a black man can't wear this!

Not with the LAPD out there.

Aah... Pow!

Pop, pop go da weasel. (chuckles)

I don't know why my Uncle Bernie doesn't let me shoot it.

He never lets me do anything fun.

Aw, man, you guys don't see eye to eye.

Because he still thinks of you as a kid.

He also thinks you're soft.

Wait. Do you think I'm soft?

Now, would I be chillin' with you if I did? Hmm?

See, me and you, we right here, bruh.

We right there.

Can I hold it?

Well, he said you couldn't shoot it.

He never said you couldn't hold it, right?

Right. (chuckles)

(shot fires) Sorry, sorry, sorry. It went off by accident.

Hey, man, you gotta be careful with this. Sorry.

A gun is a dangerous thing.

Were you aiming at that?

Kinda.

Do it again. Do it again.

(upbeat music playing)

Switch it. (gunshot)

(grunting)

(gunshot)

(gunshots continue)

(gunshots continue)

Pow! Ha-ha!

Ha-ha! That's what's up.

Yeah, I always hated that thing.

(distant clatter)

Shh, shh! (murmur)

Hey, you got it. You got it.

Okay, I got it. Get it.

Shh! Shh!

(gunshot)

(shattering glass)

Oh, you son of a...!

(yelps)

Oh, Lord.

(chuckles) I'll be damned.

No, don't laugh. I'm in trouble.

Doggone it, Jordan. I told you not to handle this gun.

Yeah, but since Bryan thought I was such a crack shot...

Well, you know, you did shoot him in his crack.

(both laughing)

Oh, you think it's funny, huh?

I... come on, Bernie, man.

It is a little funny, right? (cackling)

Come see how hard you both be laughing when this gun go back to the store.

'Cause that's directly where it's going.

No ifs, ands, or buts.

(both laughing)

He said "butts"

How you like that, America?

I got shot at and laughed at.

But I'm gonna tell you something.

I'm not gonna sit for it.

I really can't.

Mmm-mmm-mmm! Mmm!

All right, we'll let that do some deep heating. Okay?

Oh, Wanda, you should've saw Jordan laughing dead in my face.

Both of 'em just sniggling and giggling.

He should've shot me with a kill shot. That's what he should've did.

Now the boy gonna learn respect the hard way.

-Honey, you can't beat respect into him. -Well, maybe not.

But I can sure beat disrespect out of him.

-Honey, relax. -Oh, Wanda, I'm just saying.

You know, Jordan used to look up to me before Bryan got here.

Now, see, that's the problem, it's Bryan. He a bad influence.

Why? Because he likes to have fun with Jordan?

I like to have fun, too, Wanda.

That's why you gave him a barbecue test.

(exhales)

Hey, Jordan.

My team playing today, man. I was thinking about calling over the boys.

-Okay, I'll make myself scarce. -No, no, no, no.

Son, son, I want you here.

Maybe you can help me make my famous barbecue ribs.

-How 'bout that? -No, no. Too much pressure.

No, it won't. It won't be any pressure. I promise. It'll be fun.

And I'll teach you everything I know. How 'bout that?

Really? Yeah.

Bryan!

Uncle Bernie's gonna teach us to make barbecue!

Teach me?

Boy, I wrote the book. But you know what?

-Since I love to eat, I'm in on it. -Bet you are.

Hey, man. Imma make me another sandwich.

Choose your weapon.

Okay, we'll call you King Tong. And I'll be Flip Wilson.

Oh, that's cool, man. What do I get to be?

Quiet. Now, I like the baby back ribs.

You know why? Because they're more spicy and tender than the beef.

Hmm, speak for yourself.

I was.

Now, son, every cook got their own signature rub.

Mine consists of a bunch of herbs and spices such as...

I'll tell ya later.

Now, to start with, son,

you start with just a pinch...

Like this. Look at that.

You see how smoothly I run that across there?

Look at that.

Let me see you try it.

Come on, rub it on. There you...

No, man. You got to do

what the man say on that show. Bam!

That's what you got to do.

Then you got to work it like a turntable.

(imitates DJ scratching)

Hey, come work the wheels of steel with me. Come on.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Man, I'm trying to teach my son how to cook.

Man, I'm just trying to show him how to have some fun while cooking.

We were having fun.

Besides, you're teaching him how to rub the meat all wrong.

Is that true? Huh?

You been rubbing the meat wrong?

(both laughing)

'Cause... If you... I'm-a show you how to do it.

You gotta squeeze it. Squeeze it and then massage it.

We just massaging. Uh-huh, there you, right there.

He's rubbing me the wrong way, America.

He's a bigger pest than that doggone possum.

But there's only one way to get rid of a pest. (chuckling)

You need bait.

Daddy, wanna take me to Make-a-Bear?

Uh, hey, I would love to, sweetheart.

But I can't right now.

I'm helping Jordan and your Uncle Bernie barbecue.

Where'd you get that?

Uncle Bernie. Hmm.

Well, I figure Jordan and Bernie can finish barbecuing without me.

Make-a-Bear, here we come. (laughing)

Now for some serious grilling.

Jordan, what did you do, man?

I put the sauce on for you.

You don't put the sauce on while it's cooking.

It turns black. You ruined it.

-Well, I'm sorry. I just thought that... -You didn't think nothing.

Now, look at ya. You ruined the doggone meat.

You killed it.

You killed the doggone 'cue.

(slams down utensil)

Uh, Jordan. Jordan, listen.

I'm sorry, son. I'm sorry.

Jordan, come on back.

I'm sorry. Jordan!

You can come ruin the meat!

Kill all the meat you want.

Dang!

Hey, Jordan. I'm not gonna be able to help you barbecue anymore, man.

Me and Bryana, we're about to roll out.

We're finished barbecuing.

I put the sauce on too soon,

and Uncle Bernie threw 'em away.

No ribs for the football party.

Football party?

Bernie didn't mention anything about a football party.

He must've forgot to invite me.

I think he just doesn't like ya, Daddy.

Nonsense. Everybody love Big B.

Dang! I had my heart set on some ribs.

Ah... But you know what?

I got a C-note that say we can get our own barbecue.

Hey, you're supposed to spend that on me.

Hey, hey, hey! Keep your mouth shut,

and you can keep the change.

Hey, let's go get some meat, Jordan.

Gimmie that money back, girl!

(indistinct commentating and shouting on TV)

Wanda, what's up?

Can a brother get a rib with this chip?

For real. I wonder where Bernie is with the barbecue.

What? Where are you?

(tuts) I thought you were in the bedroom.

(clears throat)

Bernie's picking up Chinese food.

Chinese?

The only reason I come here is for the barbecue.

What about the football?

Man, to me, football is soccer. (laughs)

Pipe down, honey. Okay, I'll ask them.

He wants to know if there's anything special you guys want.

Yes. We want him to bring his butt back here

and make us some barbecue.

For real!

(commentator speaking indistinctly on TV)

Ooh-wee! Bernie, this is some good barbecue.

Yeah, Bernie. I was getting worried we were gonna have Chinese.

I didn't make no doggone ribs.

Where'd y'all get that from?

Jordan and I made it, man. You're welcome.

You made it? Mm-hmm.

Tell me there's some slaw in those bags.

-Who the hell are you? -My bad, Bernie.

That's Roe-roe and that's Boogie.

-Hey, Roe-roe, Boogie. Bernie Mac. -What's up, Bernie?

Yeah, I didn't think you'd mind if I invited a couple of people over, man.

I didn't invite you.

Oh, I get it. You smell my ribs cooking, huh?

You want some for yourself, don't you? Don't worry.

I'll make you a special platter

of my rib-a-dib-dib grab your bib ribs.

I don't want none of your rib-a-dib-dib grab your rib bibs.

Whatever it is, I don't want none. Oh, that cool, man,

'cause we got links, too.

Yo, J-man! Hey, put another link on the grill for your Uncle B.

Mild or spicy?

What he doin' out there barbecuing?

Hey, don't worry about it, man. We got that under control.

Watch this. Imma teach him how to flip a rib.

Flip it! You...! Baby, you see what's goin' on out there?

Yeah, can I talk to you in the kitchen? Zip into the kitchen.

While you're there, can you bring some Wonder bread to help soak up this grease?

What are you so upset about?

What?

What I'm so upset about?

Wanda, you don't bring barbecue into another man's house.

You saw all those people in there, and you servin' them!

Well, they said they were your guests.

You're the one that promised them barbecue...

You know I ain't told nobody--

(indistinct commentary on TV)

That is one ugly-ass dog!

(music playing)

The possum is back! I'm gonna go get my camera.

Rock-a-bye, baby.

Wait! What are you doing? Don't shoot it.

Oh, yeah, right. Right.

-You should have the honors. -I don't wanna kill it.

Oh, well, step back, then... 'cause this could splatter.

No! Stop! Don't do it!

JORDAN: Stop! Uncle Bernie!

Hold that. Hold that. Ooh!

You gotta pump that gun at least ten times

if you want it to go through the bone.

Yeah, you right. You right!

Yeah. (laughing)

Uncle Bernie, do something!

Oh, yeah, we got this one.

Uh-huh.

Hold on!

Just hold on!

SINGER: ♪ Shoot 'em 'fore he runs, now ♪

♪ Do the jerk, baby ♪

Watch out. Watch out!

(possum grunts and snarls)

Yay, Uncle Bernie!

BERNIE: Yo, Jordan! Is that you?

Yeah.

How was school?

Mmm, okay. Did Animal Control come?

Yeah.

Did they take Ernie away?

Yeah.

The guys say they're gonna relocate him.

Put him in his natural habitat, you know.

He's gonna be fine, Jordan.

He'll be fine.

But guess what? I got a surprise for you.

Ta-da!

Wow, a rat!

Ah, naw. That's a show-biz rat.

That rat was on Fear Factor.

Wow, thanks, Uncle Bernie.

I don't know if you can thank me just yet,

because I got some rules, Jordan.

Rule number one: that rat, Jordan, stays inside this cage.

Rule number two: the cage stays inside your room.

I'm not playing with you.

And, finally, rule number three,

the most important rule...

is to have fun with it.

Thanks, Uncle Bernie.

♪ Rat, rat, rat, rat, rat ♪

♪ Rat, rat, rat, rat, rat ♪

(tapping feet) ♪ Rat, rat, rat, rat, rat... ♪

♪ Rat, rat, rat, rat, rat ♪

Thank you, too, Jordan.

See, America, Bernie Mac can be fun.

See, I realize I have to ease up on the boy.

You know, give him some slack. You know, try to, um...

JORDAN: Uncle Bernie! Yeah?

Have you seen Buster?

Jordan, I thought I told you not to let that doggone rat out of no cage?

I told you not to!

The only reason I got him for you... You don't...

you don't never do what I tell you to do.

Doggone it, that thing running around here.

(screams) I'm tellin' ya...!

(blubbering and whimpering)

JORDAN: Uncle Bernie's gonna teach us to make barbecue!

Teach me? Man, I wrote the book.

Hey, Bernie, you got some hot sauce?

I can never get this thing down without no hot sauce.

What's wrong with you?

Get it out of here.

I...

I would if I knew what to say.

This is all wrong.

(laughing)

Captioned by Visual Data