Original subtitles

(theme music playing)

Oh!

Hey, America.

Bernie Mac is road-weary.

12 cities in 14 days.

Long hours, different hotels every night.

I am beat.

But one thing traveling does, America, it makes you appreciate

what's waiting for you at home, believe me.

JORDAN: Uncle Bernie! You're back!

We missed you.

Boy, I'm busy. Don't come in here.

(whistling)

Mmm.

(contented sigh)

Oh, boy.

Somebody's been in my seat.

Them damn kids.

Wanda! Yeah?

You let those kids go in my den?

Wait, wait, wait, hold up. I didn't let anybody do anything.

You know what? They were acting up all while you were gone, okay?

I mean, I've had to deal with constant fighting, back talk,

and a small little fire

Jordan may or may not have started.

Ooh, I am at the end of my rope with that boy.

He is totally out of control.

He's out of control, huh?

You give him the eye?

The eye doesn't work anymore.

He doesn't listen to me.

Let me see the eye. Let me see it.

I... Now you're not listening to me.

Well... All right, then,

I'll deal with the boy first thing in the morning.

But right now I've got to get me some sleep.

Wait. You sleeping in the middle of the day?

What am I supposed to do?

Wanda, baby, what you always tell me?

You said the people in your job, they're just like children.

So use some of that work tactics here at home.

You're the boss lady.

Crack the whip. Pop it!

(smacks with towel)

Now you know you're not supposed to watch TV in your uncle's den.

This is why we gave you the TV in here.

I can never get to it.

They're always in here playing

their stupid video games. Nuh-uh!

Vanessa's always kicking us out

to watch The O.C.

As if!

Well, from now on,

we have this schedule to determine TV privileges.

Now, as you can see, you all have equal viewing time, okay?

This is normalized by your respective ages

to eliminate all conflicts.

Any questions?

Yes, one. Are you serious?

Very.

Look here, Bryana. It's your hour.

Enjoy.

Ha-ha.

(voices speaking indistinctly on TV)

MAN (on TV): (singing indistinctly)

KIDS (on TV): ♪ Aye, aye Captain! ♪

Move.

SINGER: ♪ Let's tighten it up now ♪

♪ Do the tighten up, everybody can do it now ♪

♪ So get to it, we're gonna tighten up ♪

♪ Let's do the tighten up, you can do it now ♪

♪ So, baby, get to it ♪

♪ Look to your left now look to your right ♪

(smashing and whooshing) What is all that noise?

(gasps)

Jordan? What are you doing?

Uh... nothing, just trying to teach myself golf.

You are ruining my club, and my garden! Ooh!

You're not going to tell Uncle Bernie, are you?

Boy, you ain't got to worry about

Uncle Bernie, you need to worry about me.

Now you replant all of these flowers,

mister, until you learn how to respect other people's property.

Do you understand?

So you're not going to tell Uncle Bernie?

No, he is sleeping and you better not disturb him.

Get to planting.

Oh, whatever you say.

Phew.

(snoring)

GIRL (on TV): Oh my God, that's wonderful.

Which one?

What channel did you say it was on?

(TV channel changes to funky music)

Hey, I was watching that!

You can have my hour later.

Hmm, nice.

Real nice.

Give me that!

In a minute.

BERNIE: Keep it down!

Don't let me come out there!

(hushed) I've got to go.

Bye.

And your hour is up anyway.

No, it's not.

Let's consult the schedule.

I said, it's not.

You are so dead!

(hits piano keys)

(muffled grunting)

WANDA: Isn't that sweet?

My system is working.

♪ I've got the schedule ♪

So? Give me that!

Come and get it.

(loud thump)

(ominous music playing)

(both whimper)

(loud crash)

You made those kids a schedule and expect that to work?

You just gave them something else to fight about.

I didn't know what else to do.

They don't listen to me.

Wanda, I told you, all you have to do is stand firm,

stick to your guns.

That's all I do and it works.

That's because they fear you.

They better! Because if they don't,

I get Big Mama's belt and I...

(awkward music playing)

America, if the problem is that those kids don't fear Wanda,

then don't worry, they will.

I'll see to it myself.

Wanda. Hmm?

Here, baby, this is for you.

Ooh.

Isn't this Big Mama's belt? Mm-hmm.

My God, was she a size 40?

No. It's not for wearing. It's for scaring.

Oh. You understand that?

You said the kids don't fear you, now this is the key.

I call this the weapon of ass destruction.

Uh, thanks, honey, but you know what?

The belt, that's not my thing. (belt snaps)

Oh.

That right there is a snap.

It's also called a yellow threat level.

That's good for domestic disturbance

and washing the dishes, bedtime and pre-church.

Now, if it escalates to the orange threat level,

that's when you've got to crack the whip like this.

(loud crack) Yeah, now, when they see that,

they don't want to see what else is going to happen after that.

Now if you crack that whip like that,

only thing, you can't complete a sentence.

You've got to do things like, "I done told you...!"

(loud crack) "Next time I tell you, I'm gonna...!"

(yelling gibberish)

Wow, that's very impressive.

Of course, when you do it, you can add a little flare.

I like to stick my tongue out like M.J.

(yelling)

(loud crack)

Wow. If that doesn't work,

then what's the next threat level?

Oh, the red threat level.

You don't want to go there.

'Cause if you do, we'd be on the 5:00 news.

(sighs) Now, here you go.

And remember.

(roars)

Oh, boy. Mmm.

Okay, Noah, the Neighbor?

Hoppity Rabbit?

Jimmy's Cluck Cluck?

What happened to the fight?

What happened to my Bears?

I can't have nothing!

(sickly beeps)

They broke it.

I'm so glad you came at the last moment, Alex. I don't know what to do.

Now, I've got to be able to tape my shows.

Because my den is my sanctuary. This is my holy place.

Really? Mm-hmm.

Even with the pour acoustics, the bad lighting

and the less than optimal viewing angle?

I need a new den?

No, Bernie, you don't need another den.

It's just that this one is not conducive

to the ultimate home theater experience.

How can I be conducive, then, Alex?

Damn it, I want to know.

You really want to know?

Jordan?

Jordan, I thought I told you to plant the flowers.

Yeah, but since it's Mr. Cardena's job anyway,

I figured-- Huh?

What? When did you? But you never...

I said get to planting now.

(loud crack)

Yes, ma'am.

Imagine this. Mm hmm?

We put a 70-inch flat plasma screen right here.

Oh, that's nice, I mean real nice.

Oh, it gets nicer, brother.

We've added not five...

Uh-uh. Not six...

Uh-uh, seven?

7.1 surround sounds, man.

Ooh, filthy.

I need that right now.

WANDA: Bernie, honey, what are you doing in there?

Nothing, I'm just chill-axing with Alex.

-Oh, hello. -(Alex clears throat)

Look, look, baby.

I know we didn't discuss it,

but I'm getting a new television up in here.

Nothing big, nothing fancy.

Well, honey, I just came in here

to tell you that the belt works. Jordan's listening.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Sweetheart, you mean to tell me

you don't mind me getting a new TV in here?

With a DVD server and a new recliner chair

to sit right here?

And a new wall, right, right, right...?

Bernie?

You're kidding, aren't you? You want to find out?

No, now, Wanda. Come on now.

Alex.

You didn't see nothing, did you?

No.

Just standing here.

(Dazz Band: "Let it whip" playing)

(belt snapping)

♪ Want to see you with it ♪

♪ Sho' could treat you right ♪

♪ Give me just a minute of your time tonight ♪

♪ We both are here to have the fun ♪

♪ So let it whip ♪

(belt cracks)

♪ We'll get into groovin' ♪

♪ Love your body language ♪

♪ Baby, let me know ♪

♪ You've got me sort of anxious ♪

♪ We both are here to have the fun ♪

(belt snaps) ♪ So let it whip ♪

-♪ So let it whip ♪ -♪ Let's whip it baby ♪

-♪ Child ♪ -♪ Let's whip it right ♪

-♪ Let it whip ♪ -♪ Let's whip it baby ♪

♪ Work it all night ♪

(belt cracks) ♪ What's your trip? ♪

-♪ Oh no ♪ -♪ Child ♪

(approaching footsteps)

(scoffs) She is never without that belt.

You know, I never thought I'd actually say this,

but she's worse than Bigfoot.

I know. She's always whipping it out and cracking it.

Has she actually ever hit you guys with it?

Maybe she's bluffing.

Well, I don't want to be the one to find out.

I want to go to college in a year.

If Uncle Bernie's never hit us, there's no way she will.

Jordan, you know your book bag doesn't go there.

Pick it up.

I'll pick it up later.

(dramatic music playing)

WANDA: Did you hear what I said?

I said pick up that book bag now.

And I said I'll get it later.

Don't you walk away from me!

I said pick up that book bag now, or I swear I'm gonna--

Or you're gonna what?

(screams)

(grunts)

(Jordan screams)

Wow, man, that sounds so doggone real!

It's like it's coming from all around here! (chuckles)

It's not turned on yet.

I think that was one of your kids.

Wait.

BERNIE: Wanda, what was you thinking?

You're not supposed to hit the boy in the head.

I didn't hit him in the head. He ran into the wall.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. I'm sorry.

Jordan, it's not that bad. Son, let me see it.

It's not that bad.

Sweet Lord, the white meat's showing. We're going to jail.

Oh, we better go to the ER. (screams)

America, all this time y'all were scared

I was going to be the one to beat one of those kids,

but it was Wanda who snapped first.

(cackles)

Mmm!

Well, I guess it was kind of my fault

for giving her too much power too soon.

Almost gave that boy a concussion.

I know that hurt her hard.

Wow. She...

America, she may never be the same.

(Chuckles) Boy, I wish I could have been there to see it...

Pow!

Ow!

(wheezing laugh)

Love it. I love it.

(chuckling)

See? It wasn't as bad as you thought.

You didn't even get stitches.

Yep, I think the wall got the worst end of that stick.

You know what? Why don't we get the girls

and we'll all go to Royal Burger, huh?

You guys go ahead.

I'm just gonna stay here.

I think I traumatized Jordan.

Baby, that boy's spent

the first six years of his life in a crack house.

I think he can handle it.

No, I mean...

I mean he won't even look at me since we've been home.

I mean, he's not even talking to me.

I don't know what to do.

Enjoy it.

What?

Baby, the example you made out of that boy,

the other kids are never-- I mean never, ever--

cross you again, you hear me?

I want them to listen to me, not hate me.

Oh, Wanda, Wanda, baby...

Them kids don't hate you.

It was an accident.

Now you want to see hate?

Look in the eyes of that oldest child

when she look at me.

Now that's hate.

Look, I'm going to wash my face.

I'm going to come back and rub your feet, okay?

Come on, let's have a good time tonight.

Hmm... Come on.

It's not what I want.

I don't want them to hate me.

Okay...

here you go.

Actually, I kind of wanted a root beer float.

Oh, okay, absolutely.

(humming)

Here you go, with the bendable straw, just like you like it.

Now, it's going to take me 20 minutes

to get your Nutter Butters. Are you gonna be okay?

Okay, good.

Wow. That thing must really hurt.

(door closes)

No, not at all. But she doesn't know that.

You...

(battle music playing on TV)

Hey, Jordan, you enjoying your own TV?

Shh, I'm about to crack level nine.

Oh, sorry. Wow, that looks real.

Ooh. (laughs)

Oh, you know, when you're finished,

you think maybe you could pick up some of these clothes?

I tried, but bending down makes me dizzy.

Sweetie, I know you're injured, but how hard could it be?

Please, don't hit me. Please, don't hit me.

Honey, I'm sorry. I never...

I mean, I'm s... I never...

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

(battle music resumes)

(humming softly)

(Wanda sighs)

Okay.

(dramatic music playing)

Oh!

Ooh...

Mmm!

Oh, yeah.

Look at that.

(Chuckles)

Hmm...

That's nice. Real nice.

Doggone, I forgot my drink.

MAN #1 (on TV): And we're entering at 5.27 degrees.

MAN #2 (on TV): 5.27 degrees, upfront.

MAN #1 (on TV): T minus 5 to engage.

MAN #2 (on TV): Disengaging tractor beam now.

I feel like an astronaut.

MAN #2 (on TV): Captain, we're experiencing a gravitational pull?

WOMAN (on TV): Asteroids approaching, captain.

MAN #2 (on TV): You need to get out of there now.

WOMAN (on TV): Vector right, vector right.

MAN #2 (on TV): Negative, negative,

the gravitational pull is too strong...

That's the only thing working is this right leg.

Wanda? Wanda?

(gasps) Whoa.

Who did all this?

Um, I did.

I felt bad for ruining your flowers,

and I saw you crying.

(sighs) Jordan, come here.

You didn't make me cry. I...

I was upset because you were so afraid of me,

and I never wanted that.

Maybe I wasn't really afraid

and I only said all those things about my head hurting

to make you feel guilty.

What? I-I'm afraid of you now.

(chuckles, clears throat)

You know, I'm going to do something

that I should have done in the first place.

So you want to learn how to play golf?

I'm gonna show you how to do it the right way, all right?

You take this, you grip this.

Take it up, and you want to swing

as hard as you can, all right?

I'm gonna count to three. And focus.

(sighs)

Three.

Whoo!

Now for my favorite sports show.

MAN (on TV): The Sports Den--

(glass shatters)

What'd I do?

(gibberish voices on TV)

What?

(electrical hiss)

BERNIE: Who did it?!

Uh-oh. Lesson over.

Ow! Hey, Uncle Bernie.

Shut up. Stay right there.

You two, come on out here right now.

Come on, chop, chop.

-Who did it? -Did what?

Yeah, who did what?

Oh, you're gonna dummy up on me, huh?

I got something refresh your memory. Hey, Wanda!

Yeah? Come here, baby.

We did it, Uncle Bernie.

Please don't let Aunt Wanda bust our heads.

VANESSA: It was an accident.

See, we wanted to play video games on your new TV,

but then we couldn't figure out how to make it work,

so...

Here. What?

We couldn't get that piece back in. I'm not talking about this.

I'm talking about who smashed my new television with this?

Come on, now. Who did it? Come on!

Uncle Bernie, we have something to tell you.

-Uh, Jordan did it. -Hold this for me.

He stole my clubs, and he smashed your TV.

What?

That'll teach you. When I tell you to get

your book bag off the floor, you listen to me.

I'm more afraid of you now than I ever was.

WANDA: Well...

I guess I won't be needing this.

I will. WANDA: Okay.

Uh... okay.

Code Red, boy.

Code Red. (screams)

Move, move, Baby Girl.

And don't think you're running.

Don't think you're running!

Now, you two...

(music playing)

(belt snaps)

That's right, America!

I'm taking the power of the belt back.

Should've never given it up in the first place.

I just hope I haven't gotten rusty in my technique

while I was away, you know.

(mutters)

(grunting)

Yeah, that's where I be hitting him.

All back here, while he be trying to run.

(moans softly)

(yelling gibberish)

(grunting)

(yells)

Here.

(grunting)

WANDA: Oh, that's talent.

(belt snaps)

(belt snaps)

(belt snaps)

Captioned by Visual Data