Original subtitles

(theme music playing)

Uh, sweetie, don't throw the card over there.

How am I supposed to know who it's from?

(scoffs) Who cares?

Oh, Night of Terror, yes!

Oh, happy birthday to me.

Dang, Jordan,

you made out like a bandit.

You got more gifts than we did

for our wedding, huh, baby?

A rocket ship and a paratrooper.

I'm going to go launch it.

Son, it's too doggone dark, I think.

You're going to mess around and you going to lose it.

I'm not going to lose it.

He has his own parachute.

It's your toy, man.

Go on and do what you got to do.

(funky music playing)

Honey, want some punch?

Yeah, I'll take a little bit.

Three, two one.

Houston, we have liftoff.

Ooh.

America, I thought they were supposed to get smarter

as they got older.

JORDAN: It still hasn't come down.

Shoot, that boy's daddy going to come back

before that rocket does.

Huh, stupid.

WOMAN (on TV): In the prairie and Midwest,

predators like black bears, wolves, and bobcats

are beginning to return to spots

they haven't been seen in years...

You got to be kidding.

It's 9:00.

What you kids think you're doing?

Time for bed. Let's go.

You hear me, son?

Yes, but I turned 13.

Well, happy birthday. Good night.

No, but you said that when I turned 13,

I could stay up till 10:00.

You promised.

I did promise him, but America,

I never thought the boy'd live this long.

With his asthma? Shoot.

Those 13 candles nearly killed him tonight.

Shoot.

(wheezing)

(coughing)

"I did it."

Hey, how come he gets to stay up?

Because Jordan is becoming a young man.

That's not fair.

Baby's got to go to bed now.

(laughs meanly) Look here, son,

let me tell you something right now.

You do everything you have to do

to be ready for bed within an hour, you understand me?

That means brush your teeth, wash your face,

and have your PJs on,

you got me?

Say, honey, leave Saturday open

for the auction at the kids' school.

You got to be kidding.

You thinking about showing your face

after what happened last year?

What? Oh, please. Nobody remembers that.

Okay.

You know what? Say what you want,

but they asked me to be the host this year.

Why? Because I have sales savvy and personality.

Okay, Personality, I'm just trying to keep you from

getting your name written up on the church bulletin board again.

What? JORDAN: Hey, let it go! I was in here first!

BRYANA: Get out! I was in here first!

JORDAN: Stop it! Give it... No, you get out...

Come on, baby. BRYANA: Stop!

JORDAN: Don't squeeze toothpaste on me! Ooh!

(both grunting)

What the hell's going on in here? She started it.

She squirted toothpaste all over me.

I don't care who started it! Baby Girl, get to bed!

I'll take care of Jordan.

(grunts)

What is wrong with you, boy?

You're her big brother.

Yeah, but she makes me crazy.

I don't care, Jordan!

She's a kid!

You're 13 years old now, son!

You got to start acting like a man!

Shoot, when I was 13, I was 20!

Now clean this mess up in here and get to bed!

But I get to stay up an extra hour.

Not anymore. You messed that up

when you messed with your baby sister.

I'll kill her. What?

You're not going to do nothing.

You better not touch her.

Repeat after me: "I'm not going to touch her."

I won't touch her.

No. "I'm not going to touch her."

I'm not going to touch her.

(beeping)

(long, drawn out note)

SINGER: ♪ You're on fire, what's up, man? ♪

♪ Now what you doin', what's up with that? ♪

♪ Man, I won't know where to go ♪

♪ Ain't your man ♪

Oh, Lord... that boy is nasty.

Ugh! And this one here...

this one like a crime scene photograph.

That's a dead boy walking right there.

(Bryana coughs and vomits)

Keep rinsing, Baby Girl! Keep rinsing.

Look at this.

Ugh!

But you told me not to touch her.

You just don't learn, do you, Jordan?

You're taking all my gifts?

I'm going to take everything, and when I get done,

there won't be nothing else to take,

except your bone marrow.

But I didn't touch her!

(Jordan groans) Oh!

Here's your dinner.

Sorry, Bryana ate all the sweet potatoes.

I'll kill her.

And then you'll be grounded for another night.

Uncle Bernie's already threatening

to take away your Halloween.

Why do you keep doing this to yourself?

I don't know. I can't help it.

It's like a movie.

I see myself going after her and I can't stop.

And then the screaming and hitting... darkness.

(scoffs) Yeah, and then Uncle Bernie comes.

No, he is the screaming and hitting and darkness.

How do you put up with it?

Same way I put up with you.

How?

I ignore.

I don't let you push my buttons.

Push your buttons? Like when I used to call you "Big butt"?

See? Nothing.

Because I want to go out tonight,

I'm not going to let you ruin it. Nice.

It's very effective, plus ignoring you means I hurt you

on an emotional level, which means I win.

I guess you're not as dumb as you look.

Nice try. Enjoy your room.

Hmm.

Oh, I'm sorry. Did you want this?

Baby Girl, put that down!

JORDAN: No, no, it's okay, Uncle Bernie.

I'll get plenty of sweets when I go trick-or-treating.

Put that back in there.

(sweet clinks on platter)

You better quit playing with me, I'm telling you.

WANDA: It's just that some of the items that were donated

are kind of dull.

So I was hoping that we could talk about,

you know, perhaps bringing some excitement,

you know what I mean?

Kind of get the crowd really worked up.

You're that woman from last year.

Well, I attend every year. Thank you for noticing.

You know, hostesses are not allowed

to bid on any items.

Oh, yeah, uh...

you know, that was made very clear.

But I was hoping that maybe we can do something

to kind of loosen things up.

You may serve punch in the courtyard.

Jordan, are you all right?

Sure. Why? Look at you.

How are you putting up with all this?

Oh, it's not that bad.

(Jordan screams, pounding closet)

Hello, Vanessa.

This can't be good for you.

(sighs)

(door opening)

(door closing)

(Jordan screaming)

(door opening)

(door closing)

Hey, baby? Yeah?

You told our baby-sitter not to tolerate

any fighting between Jordan and Baby Girl, didn't you?

Well, honey, I don't think that's gonna be a problem.

They haven't fought in a week.

Has it really been a week?

Mm-hmm.

Dog. Guess it has.

You know what, sweetheart? Maybe we should give that boy back his gifts.

I think he earned it.

Okay.

(phone ringing)

Hello?

(shouting) Hey, Jordan! Come here, son.

Hey, big guy. What's happening? Nothing.

Look, your Aunt Wanda and I, we been watching you.

And I'm here to tell you,

you're making us very, very proud. We're proud of you.

Is that my stuff?

(chuckles) Sure is.

You earned it, because you've been mature and patient.

Hey, wait a minute. Where's my DVD?

Phew! Here it is.

Night of Terror.

Wait a minute. Let me see that, Jordan. This is rated R.

No, you're not watching this. Oh, hell, no.

There's cussing, in it. No. No.

But I earned it, you said so yourself.

Jordan, you're not watching no rated R and that's final.

(sighs)

Okay, will you excuse me for a moment?

(Jordan screaming, pounding)

R-rated movie? Boy must be cwazy.

-You know what, if you can't, you can't. -BABYSITTER (on phone): I hope you understand.

Oh, no, I understand.

No, thanks, anyway.

Okay, bye-bye.

The sitter just canceled.

What you want me to do? You want me to stay? Done.

You're going to the auction.

(groans) Hey, hey, hey. Good night.

Come here. God, what great timing she has.

What? I'm wearing a bra.

Oh, that's good.

The sitter just canceled. Could you baby-sit tonight?

I can't. I have my SAT class.

Oh...

No, I guess you can't miss that.

Ain't there some more teenagers on the block, ain't there?

Well, there's one in this house.

Who? What you talking about?

America, see, this is what we call a battlefield promotion.

See, desperate times call for desperate measures.

Hell, the boy probably more ready to take care of Baby Girl

than I was when she first moved in here.

I say give the man a shot, huh?

All right, here are the rules.

Don't answer the door after we're gone.

Don't turn on the stove...

R-RATED MOVIE (distorted): Watch me, Jordan!

Do not mess with the rat hole behind the stove...

Come on, you're old enough to watch me. Don't order no pizza.

Do not answer the phone. Repeat-- do not... Uncle Bertie won't find out.

Jordan... BERNIE (indistinctly): Don't go out the back door...

Be a man about this.

BERNIE (normal volume): Son, are you listening to me?

Now, don't go out the back door because if you do,

the door will lock and you can't get in.

-Don't order any pizza... -Don't. You shake him, Jordan.

It's your birthday! Okay? If anybody rings, call me.

(evil laughter) It's not my ring, don't answer the door.

-You know my ring, like 25 rings. -Uncle Bertie is afraid of me...

but you're not. That'll be ding, ding, ding...

Jordan!

We did give him all the emergency numbers,

now didn't we, baby? Yes.

We told him we gonna be at Damien?

Honey, it's gonna be okay, okay?

Let's go. Okay.

-Come on, you look good. -Thank you. You, too, baby.

(sniffing) What?

You smell smoke?

Come on, honey. I...

You just wanted to baby-sit so you can watch your stupid movie.

Duh.

I'm gonna tell.

I said I'm gonna tell. And you won't be able to go trick-or-treating.

And here we have, not one, not two,

not three, but four new car mats.

Compliments of the McKinley family,

owners of the McKinley and Son Auto Supply.

Do I hear $10?

Eight.

Sold, for $8.

Enjoy your mats. (applause)

Our next item... (clears throat)

Sister, can I talk to you?

(forced laugh) I thought the idea was to raise money, Sister.

I don't know if you noticed,

but the contribution level is very low.

I'm just saying.

You know, I think that we need to, uh, get the bidding up.

You know, get people a little excited about it.

We don't like to make people feel pressured.

Yes, I know the Catholic Church is hands off.

I think we're running low on punch.

(horror music on TV)

I made you a strawberry sundae.

Just place it there.

With extra sprinkles.

Shh!

(whispering) The way you like it.

WOMAN (on TV): They were murdered!

Hey, this is a scary movie.

I don't like scary movies.

Then leave.

MAN (on TV): Here, take this. I'm going in.

WOMAN (on TV): Right behind you.

I've got to go use the little nuns' room.

See what you can get for this box of votive candles.

(chuckling) Excuse me, Sister. Oh!

All right, let's get things crack-a-lacking now, people.

Now, I got a set of graphite golf clubs right here.

Excuse me, Sister. Scoot over.

Autographed by V.J. Singh.

Now, can we start the bidding at 500?

(discontented murmuring)

-Oh, come on, people. -I'll take some of that.

Oh, thank you, honey. That's 500 right there.

Can I get a 550? Come on, Father Bill.

You ain't gonna be in that wheel chair forever.

Fifty-five. MAN: 600.

Oh, there we go.

600. Can I get a 650? WOMAN: 700.

Oh, lady, I love you! Now we're cooking.

(terrified screaming on TV)

(beeping) Okay, pull it together, J-Man.

You're just panicking because it's almost Halloween.

Yeah, you're just letting the Harvest Moon play tricks on you.

(scraping on roof)

(whimpers)

(horror music playing)

800!

Oh, well, thank you, kind sir,

with the vest, but I'm not

letting these go for less than 1,000.

Now let me show you are great these are.

All right, ladies and gentlemen.

Here we go.

Now, woo!

Okay, now what do I get for these beauties? (shocked gasps)

Come on, now. Can I get 1,000?

Oh, come on.

What's the bid for these beauties?

(scandalized groans) Come on, they're perfectly weighted.

Can I get 1,000? (crowd murmuring)

WANDA: Thank you, François.

Can I get 1,200? Oh, thank you for standing.

Dig deep in your pockets, yes. Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me.

Wa-Wanda, baby. Honey?

Honey, stop it. I'm cooking up here. What do you want?

Sweetheart, sweetheart, your cup runneth over.

What'd you say? Your cup runneth over, baby.

(gasps)

(lightning and thunder crashing outside)

(scraping)

(suspense music playing)

(ominous scraping continues)

(sighs)

(scraping)

(suspense music playing)

(distorted eerie laughter)

(lightning crashes)

(screaming)

Bryana, Bryana! They're coming in!

(screaming) What? What?

Oh, I thought you were dead. Are you?

No. (relieved sighs)

Hurry, hurry. They're here. The zombies.

Jordan, you're scaring me. You should be scared.

They eat your eyes first. (both screaming)

JORDAN: Come on! Come on, go! Go! Let's go!

Jordan, I'm scared.

It's gonna be okay, Bryana.

Just stay quiet and I'll protect us.

But if anything happens to me,

you run and don't turn back,

even if it sounds like my voice,

because that's how they get you.

At least Father Bill died happy.

You think they're gone?

(rattling)

It's them! They're coming in.

Stay here.

(suspense music playing)

(rattling)

(rattling)

(alarm blares)

Cabrini-Green!

(Bernie screams)

(shrieking) Okay.

Oh, Lord.

(screams)

I'm sorry I watched the movie, Uncle Bernie.

What are you gonna take from me this time?

I know I'm gonna start with this bat,

that's for doggone sure.

I'm really sorry I pummeled your leg, Uncle Bernie,

but I was just trying to protect us.

I know you were, son.

I'm afraid to go to sleep.

Okay, Bryana, I'll come with you.

Okay.

Mm...

(music playing)

Hey, America.

How 'bout that, huh?

Jordan finally mans up.

I mean, the kids are getting along beautifully.

Wanda's just as fine as the day I met her,

and everybody knows it. (chuckles)

Wasn't it funny when Jordan hit me in the knee?

♪ Oh, happy day ♪

Wasn't it funny when Jordan hit me in the knee?

♪ Oh... ♪

America... how 'bout that?

I mean, Jordan finally mans up.

Well, Wanda's just as fine as the...

day I met her.

(chuckling)

♪ Shala la la la ♪

♪ There's no clouds in the sky ♪

♪ The rain is gone ♪ ♪ The rain is gone ♪

♪ Shala la la la ♪

♪ There's no storm it's all clear ♪

♪ The rain is gone ♪ ♪ The rain is gone ♪

♪ Shala la la la la la la ♪

(horror music playing)

BRYANA: Oh, I'm sorry. Did you want this?

BERNIE: Baby Girl!

That's okay, Uncle Bernie.

I'll get plenty of sweets when I...

(laughing)

(all laughing)

(laughing) Stop!

(all laughing) Stop! MAN: How do you do that?

Stop!

Captioned by Visual Data