All language subtitles for The.Bernie.Mac.Show.S05E06.Night.of.Terror.1080p.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-squalor_track3_[eng]

(theme music playing)

Uh, sweetie, don't throw
the card over there.

How am I supposed
to know who it's from?

(scoffs)
Who cares?

Oh, Night of Terror, yes!

Oh, happy birthday to me.

Dang, Jordan,

you made out
like a bandit.

You got more gifts
than we did

for our wedding,
huh, baby?

A rocket ship
and a paratrooper.

I'm going to go
launch it.

Son,
it's too doggone
dark, I think.

You're going to mess around
and you going to lose it.

I'm not going
to lose it.

He has
his own parachute.

It's your toy, man.

Go on and do
what you got to do.

(funky music playing)

Honey,
want some punch?

Yeah, I'll take
a little bit.

Three, two one.

Houston,
we have liftoff.

Ooh.

America, I thought they were
supposed to get smarter

as they got older.

JORDAN:
It still hasn't
come down.

Shoot, that boy's daddy
going to come back

before that rocket does.

Huh, stupid.

WOMAN (on TV):
In the prairie and Midwest,

predators like black bears,
wolves, and bobcats

are beginning to return
to spots

they haven't been seen
in years...

You got to be kidding.

It's 9:00.

What you kids
think you're doing?

Time for bed.
Let's go.

You hear me, son?

Yes, but I turned 13.

Well, happy birthday.
Good night.

No, but you said
that when I turned 13,

I could stay up
till 10:00.

You promised.

I did promise him,
but America,

I never thought
the boy'd live this long.

With his asthma? Shoot.

Those 13 candles
nearly killed him tonight.

Shoot.

(wheezing)

(coughing)

"I did it."

Hey, how come he
gets to stay up?

Because Jordan is becoming
a young man.

That's not fair.

Baby's got to go
to bed now.

(laughs meanly)
Look here, son,

let me tell you
something right now.

You do everything
you have to do

to be ready for bed
within an hour,
you understand me?

That means brush your teeth,
wash your face,

and have your PJs on,

you got me?

Say, honey, leave Saturday open

for the auction
at the kids' school.

You got to be kidding.

You thinking about
showing your face

after what happened
last year?

What? Oh, please.
Nobody remembers that.

Okay.

You know what?
Say what you want,

but they asked me
to be the host this year.

Why? Because I have
sales savvy and personality.

Okay, Personality,
I'm just trying
to keep you from

getting your name
written up on the church
bulletin board again.

What?
JORDAN: Hey, let it go!
I was in here first!

BRYANA: Get out!
I was in here first!

JORDAN:
Stop it! Give it...
No, you get out...

Come on, baby.
BRYANA:
Stop!

JORDAN: Don't squeeze
toothpaste on me!
Ooh!

(both grunting)

What the hell's
going on in here?
She started it.

She squirted toothpaste
all over me.

I don't care who started it!
Baby Girl, get to bed!

I'll take care
of Jordan.

(grunts)

What is wrong with you, boy?

You're her big brother.

Yeah, but she makes
me crazy.

I don't care,
Jordan!

She's a kid!

You're 13 years old
now, son!

You got to start
acting like a man!

Shoot, when I was 13,
I was 20!

Now clean this mess
up in here and get to bed!

But I get to stay up
an extra hour.

Not anymore.
You messed that up

when you messed
with your baby sister.

I'll kill her.
What?

You're not going
to do nothing.

You better not
touch her.

Repeat after me:
"I'm not going
to touch her."

I won't touch her.

No. "I'm not going
to touch her."

I'm not going
to touch her.

(beeping)

(long, drawn out note)

SINGER: ♪ You're on fire,
what's up, man? ♪

♪ Now what you doin',
what's up with that? ♪

♪ Man, I won't know
where to go ♪

♪ Ain't your man ♪

Oh, Lord...
that boy is nasty.

Ugh! And this one here...

this one like
a crime scene photograph.

That's a dead boy
walking right there.

(Bryana coughs
and vomits)

Keep rinsing, Baby Girl!
Keep rinsing.

Look at this.

Ugh!

But you told me
not to touch her.

You just don't learn,
do you, Jordan?

You're taking all my gifts?

I'm going
to take everything,
and when I get done,

there won't be
nothing else to take,

except your bone marrow.

But I didn't touch her!

(Jordan groans)
Oh!

Here's your dinner.

Sorry, Bryana ate
all the sweet potatoes.

I'll kill her.

And then you'll
be grounded for
another night.

Uncle Bernie's already
threatening

to take away
your Halloween.

Why do you keep
doing this to yourself?

I don't know.
I can't help it.

It's like a movie.

I see myself going after her
and I can't stop.

And then the screaming
and hitting...
darkness.

(scoffs)
Yeah, and then
Uncle Bernie comes.

No, he is the screaming
and hitting and darkness.

How do you put up with it?

Same way
I put up with you.

How?

I ignore.

I don't let
you push my buttons.

Push your buttons?
Like when I used to
call you "Big butt"?

See?
Nothing.

Because I want
to go out tonight,

I'm not going
to let you ruin it.
Nice.

It's very effective,
plus ignoring you
means I hurt you

on an emotional level,
which means I win.

I guess you're not as dumb
as you look.

Nice try.
Enjoy your room.

Hmm.

Oh, I'm sorry.
Did you want this?

Baby Girl,
put that down!

JORDAN:
No, no, it's okay,
Uncle Bernie.

I'll get plenty
of sweets when I go
trick-or-treating.

Put that back
in there.

(sweet clinks on platter)

You better quit
playing with me,
I'm telling you.

WANDA: It's just that
some of the items
that were donated

are kind of dull.

So I was hoping
that we could
talk about,

you know,
perhaps bringing
some excitement,

you know what I mean?

Kind of get the crowd
really worked up.

You're that woman
from last year.

Well, I attend every year.
Thank you for noticing.

You know, hostesses
are not allowed

to bid on any items.

Oh, yeah, uh...

you know, that was
made very clear.

But I was hoping that
maybe we can do something

to kind of loosen
things up.

You may serve punch
in the courtyard.

Jordan, are you all right?

Sure. Why?
Look at you.

How are you putting
up with all this?

Oh, it's not
that bad.

(Jordan screams,
pounding closet)

Hello, Vanessa.

This can't be good
for you.

(sighs)

(door opening)

(door closing)

(Jordan screaming)

(door opening)

(door closing)

Hey, baby?
Yeah?

You told our baby-sitter
not to tolerate

any fighting between Jordan
and Baby Girl, didn't you?

Well, honey, I don't think
that's gonna be a problem.

They haven't fought
in a week.

Has it really been a week?

Mm-hmm.

Dog. Guess it has.

You know what, sweetheart?
Maybe we should
give that boy back his gifts.

I think he earned it.

Okay.

(phone ringing)

Hello?

(shouting)
Hey, Jordan!
Come here, son.

Hey, big guy.
What's happening?
Nothing.

Look, your Aunt Wanda and I,
we been watching you.

And I'm here to tell you,

you're making us
very, very proud.
We're proud of you.

Is that my stuff?

(chuckles)
Sure is.

You earned it, because
you've been mature and patient.

Hey, wait a minute.
Where's my DVD?

Phew! Here it is.

Night of Terror.

Wait a minute.
Let me see that, Jordan.
This is rated R.

No, you're
not watching this.
Oh, hell, no.

There's cussing,
in it. No. No.

But I earned it,
you said so yourself.

Jordan, you're not
watching no rated R
and that's final.

(sighs)

Okay, will you excuse me
for a moment?

(Jordan screaming, pounding)

R-rated movie?
Boy must be cwazy.

-You know what,
if you can't, you can't.
-BABYSITTER (on phone):
I hope you understand.

Oh, no, I understand.

No, thanks, anyway.

Okay, bye-bye.

The sitter just canceled.

What you want me to do?
You want me to stay? Done.

You're going to the auction.

(groans)
Hey, hey, hey.
Good night.

Come here.
God, what great
timing she has.

What? I'm wearing a bra.

Oh, that's good.

The sitter just canceled.
Could you baby-sit tonight?

I can't.
I have my SAT class.

Oh...

No, I guess
you can't miss that.

Ain't there some more teenagers
on the block, ain't there?

Well, there's one
in this house.

Who? What you
talking about?

America, see, this is what we
call a battlefield promotion.

See, desperate times
call for desperate measures.

Hell, the boy probably more
ready to take care of Baby Girl

than I was when
she first moved in here.

I say give the man
a shot, huh?

All right, here
are the rules.

Don't answer the door
after we're gone.

Don't turn on the stove...

R-RATED MOVIE (distorted):
Watch me, Jordan!

Do not mess with the rat hole
behind the stove...

Come on, you're old enough
to watch me.
Don't order no pizza.

Do not answer the phone.
Repeat-- do not...
Uncle Bertie won't find out.

Jordan...
BERNIE (indistinctly):
Don't go out the back door...

Be a man about this.

BERNIE (normal volume):
Son, are you listening to me?

Now, don't go out
the back door
because if you do,

the door will lock
and you can't get in.

-Don't order any pizza...
-Don't. You shake him, Jordan.

It's your birthday!
Okay? If anybody rings,
call me.

(evil laughter)
It's not my ring,
don't answer the door.

-You know my ring,
like 25 rings.
-Uncle Bertie is
afraid of me...

but you're not.
That'll be
ding, ding, ding...

Jordan!

We did give him all
the emergency numbers,

now didn't we, baby?
Yes.

We told him we gonna be
at Damien?

Honey, it's gonna be
okay, okay?

Let's go.
Okay.

-Come on, you look good.
-Thank you. You, too, baby.

(sniffing)
What?

You smell smoke?

Come on, honey.
I...

You just wanted to
baby-sit so you can
watch your stupid movie.

Duh.

I'm gonna tell.

I said I'm gonna tell.
And you won't be able
to go trick-or-treating.

And here we have,
not one, not two,

not three,
but four new car mats.

Compliments of
the McKinley family,

owners of the McKinley
and Son Auto Supply.

Do I hear $10?

Eight.

Sold, for $8.

Enjoy your mats.
(applause)

Our next item...
(clears throat)

Sister,
can I talk to you?

(forced laugh)
I thought the idea was
to raise money, Sister.

I don't know
if you noticed,

but the contribution level
is very low.

I'm just saying.

You know, I think that we need
to, uh, get the bidding up.

You know, get people
a little excited about it.

We don't like to make
people feel pressured.

Yes, I know the Catholic
Church is hands off.

I think we're
running low on punch.

(horror music on TV)

I made you
a strawberry sundae.

Just place it there.

With extra sprinkles.

Shh!

(whispering)
The way you like it.

WOMAN (on TV):
They were murdered!

Hey, this is a scary movie.

I don't like scary movies.

Then leave.

MAN (on TV):
Here, take this.
I'm going in.

WOMAN (on TV):
Right behind you.

I've got to go use
the little nuns' room.

See what you can get for
this box of votive candles.

(chuckling)
Excuse me, Sister.
Oh!

All right, let's get things
crack-a-lacking now, people.

Now, I got a set of graphite
golf clubs right here.

Excuse me, Sister.
Scoot over.

Autographed
by V.J. Singh.

Now, can we start
the bidding at 500?

(discontented murmuring)

-Oh, come on, people.
-I'll take some of that.

Oh, thank you, honey.
That's 500 right there.

Can I get a 550?
Come on, Father Bill.

You ain't gonna be in that
wheel chair forever.

Fifty-five.
MAN:
600.

Oh, there we go.

600. Can I get a 650?
WOMAN: 700.

Oh, lady, I love you!
Now we're cooking.

(terrified screaming on TV)

(beeping)
Okay, pull it together, J-Man.

You're just panicking because
it's almost Halloween.

Yeah, you're just letting the
Harvest Moon play tricks on you.

(scraping on roof)

(whimpers)

(horror music playing)

800!

Oh, well, thank you,
kind sir,

with the vest,
but I'm not

letting these go
for less than 1,000.

Now let me show you
are great these are.

All right,
ladies and gentlemen.

Here we go.

Now, woo!

Okay, now what do I get
for these beauties?
(shocked gasps)

Come on, now.
Can I get 1,000?

Oh, come on.

What's the bid
for these beauties?

(scandalized groans)
Come on, they're
perfectly weighted.

Can I get 1,000?
(crowd murmuring)

WANDA:
Thank you, François.

Can I get 1,200?
Oh, thank you
for standing.

Dig deep in
your pockets, yes.
Excuse me,
excuse me, excuse me.

Wa-Wanda, baby.
Honey?

Honey, stop it.
I'm cooking up here.
What do you want?

Sweetheart, sweetheart,
your cup runneth over.

What'd you say?
Your cup runneth
over, baby.

(gasps)

(lightning and thunder
crashing outside)

(scraping)

(suspense music playing)

(ominous scraping continues)

(sighs)

(scraping)

(suspense music playing)

(distorted eerie laughter)

(lightning crashes)

(screaming)

Bryana, Bryana!
They're coming in!

(screaming)
What? What?

Oh, I thought you
were dead. Are you?

No.
(relieved sighs)

Hurry, hurry. They're
here. The zombies.

Jordan, you're scaring me.
You should
be scared.

They eat your eyes first.
(both screaming)

JORDAN:
Come on! Come on, go!
Go! Let's go!

Jordan, I'm scared.

It's gonna be
okay, Bryana.

Just stay quiet
and I'll protect us.

But if anything
happens to me,

you run and don't
turn back,

even if it sounds
like my voice,

because that's how
they get you.

At least Father Bill
died happy.

You think they're gone?

(rattling)

It's them!
They're coming in.

Stay here.

(suspense music playing)

(rattling)

(rattling)

(alarm blares)

Cabrini-Green!

(Bernie screams)

(shrieking)
Okay.

Oh, Lord.

(screams)

I'm sorry I watched
the movie, Uncle Bernie.

What are you gonna
take from me this time?

I know I'm gonna
start with this bat,

that's for doggone sure.

I'm really sorry I pummeled
your leg, Uncle Bernie,

but I was just
trying to protect us.

I know you were, son.

I'm afraid
to go to sleep.

Okay, Bryana,
I'll come with you.

Okay.

Mm...

(music playing)

Hey, America.

How 'bout that, huh?

Jordan finally mans up.

I mean, the kids are getting
along beautifully.

Wanda's just as fine
as the day I met her,

and everybody knows it.
(chuckles)

Wasn't it funny when Jordan
hit me in the knee?

♪ Oh, happy day ♪

Wasn't it funny
when Jordan hit me
in the knee?

♪ Oh... ♪

America... how 'bout that?

I mean, Jordan
finally mans up.

Well, Wanda's
just as fine as the...

day I met her.

(chuckling)

♪ Shala la la la ♪

♪ There's no clouds in
the sky ♪

♪ The rain is gone ♪
♪ The rain is gone ♪

♪ Shala la la la ♪

♪ There's no storm
it's all clear ♪

♪ The rain is gone ♪
♪ The rain is gone ♪

♪ Shala la la la la la la ♪

(horror music playing)

BRYANA:
Oh, I'm sorry.
Did you want this?

BERNIE:
Baby Girl!

That's okay, Uncle Bernie.

I'll get plenty of sweets
when I...

(laughing)

(all laughing)

(laughing)
Stop!

(all laughing)
Stop!
MAN:
How do you do that?

Stop!

Captioned by Visual Data