Original subtitles

(theme music playing)

BERNIE: New clothes for college?

Girl, that's in a year.

What you need new clothes for now?

For the interviews.

I can't wear my ratty old clothes.

Sure, you can.

That's how you get student aid.

WANDA: Oh, honey, just give her the credit card.

Give her my credit card?

WANDA: Yeah.

Give Nessa my credit card?

With my name on it?

Wanda, what do you think I am?

(droning beeping)

$250 is the limit.

You got that? Now repeat after me: $250.

$250 limit.

Bernie, let it go.

(horn honks outside)

That's Donna.

Thanks. Bye.

Well, see now? You got a kiss for that.

Hi, Vanessa! How was the mall!

Well, come in here and show us what you got.

Ow! Ow!

JORDAN: Ow! Ow!

WANDA: Well, let's see.

Whoa...

Is that Prada?

One pair of shoes!

$250, and she come home with one pair of shoes?

America, I don't understand that girl.

Okay, she got champagne taste.

See, that what happens when people from the hood get a little something.

They waste it on that bling-bling lifestyle.

They got no sense at all.

Well, I tell you what.

Those shoes are going back tonight.

We still got time.

Hey, America, I lost a diamond.

Hmm.

You know, I don't know what you're so mad about.

I didn't go over the limit.

Hello. How may I help you?

Go ahead.

I need to return these.

Oh, it didn't work out?

Let me issue you store credit.

Whoa, whoa. Wait, wait.

Store credit? No, no, no, no.

These shoes just been bought. They never been worn.

Just put my money back on my credit card

and let's pretend like it never happened, which it shouldn't have.

Store credit is just as good as cash.

No, it ain't.

Well, it's our policy.

(sighs) All right.

You going to pay my money back, Nessa.

With what? I don't have any money.

Oh, okay, Miss Got Rocks.

Now you want to try to play broke?

You better find a way 'cause I want my money.

Hey, Aunt Wanda, do you want to buy these shoes?

First of all, I don't wear secondhand shoes,

and second of all,

don't play me against your uncle.

You were wrong.

Thank you, Wanda.

(Bernie chuckles)

(clears throat) Now back to you, Miss Thing.

I'll tell you what I'm going to do.

I'm going to go real easy on you.

You going to pay me ten dollars a week,

promptly, every Saturday.

I'm not playing with you, Nessa.

I mean it. I want my money.

Fine. Fine.

Fine. Fine.

What? I don't have it.

Nessa, let me break something down for you right quick.

If you don't pay your gas bill,

they shut your gas off.

If you don't pay your light bill,

they cut off your electricity.

Now, doggone it, you owe me.

Now give me my money.

Sheesh, I didn't know

you needed ten dollars that badly.

America, what's with people owing you money?

They get an attitude

with you for asking for what's yours.

Back in the day, I had a friend who owed me $50.

First he stopped hanging out.

Then when I see him, he acted like I stole something.

You know what?

Now that I think about it, he still owe me $50.

Hey, Fred, I want my money, brother.

You owe me! You been owing me!

You still owe me!

Ten dollars?

Three weeks done gone by, Nessa,

and all you paid me is ten lousy doggone dollars.

Well, I have a baby-sitting job in an hour

so you can stop bothering me.

BERNIE: Bothering you?

Oh, I'm bothering you?

Well, I'll tell you what, missy,

I got news for you.

I'm going to keep on bothering you

until you give me back my money.

The kid's a trip.

I'm so tired of this I don't know what to do.

I can get your money.

Boy, stop sitting in the dark.

Uncle Bernie, let me put the screws to her.

Let me shake her down for you.

I pester her anyway.

I might as well get some money for it.

You know what?

You got a good point there.

I'll take that action.

75 cents to every dollar I collect.

Fifty. Sixty-five.

Deal.

You watch me.

JORDAN: Vanessa? (door opens)

Ow! Ow, stop! Please! Ow! Let me go!

Ow! You're breaking it!

Ow!

(door slams)

What?

(whimpers)

Hey, Nessa, how was baby-sitting?

Fine.

Now you can pay me my money.

Oh, yeah. Here you go.

Nessa, what you doing, man? That's my money.

No, that's your money. This is my money.

Sister, you owe me $250.

Actually, it's $220 now.

Oh, you going to be slick now.

The only reason I made that deal

because you told me you was broke.

(scoffs rudely) And I appreciate that.

And right now, I'm all caught up.

Same time next week?

Oh, that's how you going to be now, huh, Nessa?

Hey, you made the deal.

Huh.

Don't worry, America, I will get mine.

You can guar-an-tee it.

Nobody stands betwixt Bernie Mac and his money.

Nobody... except my agent...

manager, IRS... huh.

BERNIE: Welcome to Mac Man Enterprise.

I don't want to work here.

Well, get used to it.

Oh... Come on, now.

What you going to do? You don't walk past the Mac Man. You rub it.

You don't disrespect it.

But his eyes kind of follow you.

It's creepy.

That's good. So remember one thing:

when I'm not here, he's looking dead at you, okay? Denise!

Denise!

Oh... Mr. Mac.

I was just getting ready to call you.

BERNIE: For what?

About the photo shoot this weekend?

Okay. (giggles)

And who is this?

(clears throat)

This is your new assistant, Denise.

This is Vanessa, my niece.

Oh, how nice.

We'll find you something very nice to do.

Come on, Nessa. Come with me.

VANESSA: This is busy work.

Well, get busy.

I like my fans personally answered

along with a signed autographed picture.

I got a signature stamp somewhere around here.

I don't need it, I already know how to do your signature.

-What? -I mean, I can learn

how to do your signature.

All right, chop-chop.

So have you been working here long?

About five years.

But this is temporary. I'm doing big things.

I'm getting my respiratory therapist license online.

Hey, go ahead and breathe for me.

(phone rings)

Hello. Bernie Mac's office.

BERNIE (over phone): "Hello. Bernie Mac's office"?

No, baby, no.

It's, "Hello. Mac Man Enterprises.

This is Vanessa. How may I help you?"

Are you going to bother me all day?

Look, baby, I'm telling you right now,

work is serious, Nessa.

You're in the real world.

Now chop-chop! Come on now!

I got to go. There's somebody at the door.

Oh, I got that. (laughs)

Hi, Roderick!

Hey, Denise. You know the drill.

Yes. Sign right here.

RODERICK: You look great. DENISE: Ah, thanks.

(laughs) You have a great day.

You, too. Take care.

What's this?

Freebies.

I don't get it. People just send stuff? Why?

Hey, everybody wants to be in business with Bernie Mac.

You just mention the name,

and then bam, it all arrives.

The rich get richer.

And that's not really fair, is it?

Ah, yeah.

I mean, no.

Oh, Vanessa, these are cute.

(dial tone)

WOMAN (on phone): Public Relations. May I help you?

Hello, this Vanessa Tompkins

-from Mac Man Enterprises. -WOMAN (on phone): Mac Man?

VANESSA: Bernie Mac's company, the entertainer?

Of course! How nice of you to call.

Yes, Mr. Mac would like to wear your sneakers

at his next premiere.

-A movie premiere? -Exactly, the red carpet.

-What's his shoe size? -What size?

Um, in men, size four.

Size four?

Yeah, for a big guy, he has really tiny feet.

Me, too. Size six.

Also another pair in size six.

What about the size four?

Well, sometimes his feet swell up.

Okay, we'll send it right out.

Thank you.

Hey, no one knocks anymore?

What's all this? None of your business.

I'm telling. All right, all right.

Where'd you get all this stuff?

Just pick one and get out.

Just one?

Good grief.

I'll take this.

(knocking)

Come in.

Hey, Baby Girl. Hey, Uncle Bernie.

Hey, Uncle Bernie.

Hey.

I got a surprise for you. Ta-da!

Look, what I got.

Your first official paycheck

from Mac Man Enterprises.

So soon?

Well, I withheld most of it to repay me

for the debt that you owe me, so...

That's fine. What?

When did that become fine with you, Nessa?

Hey, a deal's a deal. I got to learn somehow.

That's good, girl.

You know, I like your attitude, Nessa.

You keep it up.

(both chuckle)

You see that, America?

I'm getting through to her.

See, kids like structure and discipline.

That's the problem out there, America.

You keep giving your kids too much.

Make 'em earn it!

Hey, who gave you that?

How do you know I didn't buy it?

Ah...

you see this Make-A-Bear?

It's about to be unmade.

Okay, okay.

We need to talk.

Ugh, doesn't anyone knock anymore?

Good afternoon, Mr. Mac.

I have a delivery for you from BMX bikes.

Delivery for me?

It ain't my birthday.

Let me see.

"On behalf of BMX bikes,

"we would personally like to congratulate you

"on being named new XXX.

"I hope you enjoy using your BMX bike

on the set of Operation Dang..."

Sir, there's got to be some mistake.

Take the bike back.

No, wait! That's my bike!

Jordan, what's going on here, man?

I can't tell you or you'll take it back.

I don't care anything about this bike,

I just want to know the truth around here.

Now what's going on, Jordan?

(sighs) Vanessa.

She said she gets free stuff all the time.

All she has to do is mention your name.

She said it would be so easy.

She said no one would get hurt.

BERNIE: Now, see?

You told the truth. Now don't you feel better?

I guess so.

Yeah, there you go.

Take the bike back.

No!

No! Please don't!

(sobbing) Please don't!

JORDAN: No! I need it!

Can you believe this, America?

This was supposed to be a punishment for Nessa.

Now she turned it into a game show.

(imitates buzzer) Wrong answer!

Well, I got news for her.

The game show is Truth or Consequences.

And she's going to learn the consequences.

Oh, yeah!

Fine, I'll send it all back.

But I still don't see what the big deal is.

The big deal, Nessa, is that you stole.

You traded on my good name,

a good name that I built with hard work.

But see, baby, that's your problem. You don't know nothing

about hard work. But you're going to learn,

and you're going to learn here tonight.

But I have plans tonight.

No, Tweety, you got chores tonight.

And you're going to start by putting that file in order,

cleaning those windows, dusting those blinds,

doing the baseboard.

You understand me?

Anything else?

Let me see what else. Niecy--

that's okay, don't worry about it.

The Mac Man. I want it shined and polished.

And when you get done, I want you to bring it home. You got me?

Why? Because I have a photo shoot tomorrow.

And I want you to get everything together.

Chop, chop. Jump to it.

These are fresh.

(clears throat)

You ain't got to worry, I'll send these back myself.

(funky music playing on radio)

Hey. Hey.

Girl, you look beat up.

And what is that thing?

Ugh. Don't ask.

Look, I need to stop by my house

so I can drop this thing off.

Your house?

In Encino?

Nuh-uh. Look, we'll stop by your house

after the movie, 'kay?

Sounds good.

Look, can you turn that thing around?

It's eyes are following me. It's creepy.

SINGER (on radio): ♪ You'll only get it if I let you go ♪

♪ Hot damn, hot damn, you gotta let go of me... ♪

You have your new boots on. You know it.

Hey, where's my Stila lip gloss that you promised?

Bigfoot made me give it all back.

Oh, God, what is wrong with that man?

I mean, the companies have extras just lying around.

I know. (phone beeps)

But guess what?

He didn't get this. Oh, sweet! Does that have AOL?

You know it. Well, go to Moviefone, girl, get our tickets.

Hold on, I'm IMing.

Who? Let me see.

Stop sign. Who's Stop Sign?

No, stop sign! Stop sign!

(tires screech, girls scream)

VANESSA (distorted): No!

(groans)

Oh... My car!

The Mac Man.

I can get it done in about an hour.

But, uh, labor, supplies...

it's going to run you at least 200 bucks. 200?

Look, just put it on my parents' credit card, 'kay?

They probably won't even notice, but, uh...

you owe me $200.

What? I don't have that kind of money.

Well, uh... what size shoe did you say you wore again?

It was a six, right?

These shoes were $250.

New.

Long night?

Stop sitting in the dark.

What happened to you?

Did you get beat up for your shoes again?

Is Uncle Bernie around?

He's in the den. Good.

Jordan, I am in so much trouble.

Look.

Is that all?

What do you mean "Is that all?"

I ruined the Mac Man.

He is going to kill me, do you understand?

Ah, so old and yet so naive.

Come with me.

Notice anything broken?

No. Of course you don't,

because I'm meticulous in every detail.

What are you talking about?

Look at that lamp. Look. I am.

No, no, look closer.

Oh, my gosh...

there are tiny cracks all over it.

Yes, it was one of my earlier works.

I was only eight when I fixed it.

But since then, I've perfected my craft considerably.

Look at that vase.

Took a baseball last spring.

But now it holds a gallon of water.

And see that trumpet player?

Well, that's 50% Dizzy Gillespie

and 50% G.I. Joe.

Need I go on? Okay, okay.

Uncle Bernie needs it first thing in the morning.

Pressure, I love it.

But now we talk about my fee.

I'm tapped out, I got nothing.

I have no need for cash.

What then? (phone beeps)

Mm, does that have AOL?

Great.

(funky music playing)

Well, is it ready?

Judge for yourself.

(laughs) It's perfect.

Except for the eyes.

They follow you.

It's kind of creepy.

Anyway, let it dry for eight hours.

Eight hours? The shoot is in an hour.

No refunds.

(indistinct chatter)

MAN: Morning.

Good morning, Uncle Bernie.

Nessa.

Oh, uh, I set up bagels, fruit and coffee

for anyone who's hungry, so help yourself.

She had a car waiting for me this morning,

even had my clippers sharpened.

Your niece is a real pro, Bernie.

Yeah, she all right.

You know what, Nessa, you really earned your Pradas, you really did.

Why aren't you wearing them?

Uh, they're more for special occasions.

Mm, okay.

All right then, hey, everybody,

let's get this party started.

Where my Mac Man?

Oh! There my baby is...

Look at that, y'all.

The Mac Man cometh.

Look at that.

Look at that shine.

Wow. Give me my baby.

Give me my baby. (kisses loudly)

Mac Man! Look at that.

Yeah. Hey, man, this was given to me, man,

by George French, out of Chicago,

when I won Comic of the Year.

In all Chicago area, man, he gave this to me.

That's wonderful, Bernie.

Why don't I get some pictures of you with it?

Why don't you then?

Tell him, "Why don't you?

Why don't you?" (laughs) Come on, get some.

Higher. Great.

Good. Good. Yep.

Use it like a weapon.

(imitating gunfire) Beautiful.

Beautiful. Tighter.

There we go.

Look out now. This is my baby.

Man, it's getting hot under these lights, though.

That's it. I think we got everything we need.

Great shoot, Bernie. Everything went very smoothly.

BERNIE: Thanks, Serge.

Oh, Serge, can you do me a favor?

Why don't you take a picture of me and my niece, man?

She was very instrumental in putting this photo shoot together.

Come over here, Nessa, take a picture with me, come on.

I don't... Yeah, definitely.

Definitely. Right over there.

Come on. Get over here, Nessa. Perfect. Okay.

Come on, get in here, baby.

All right. Right here.

Come on. Get between here.

Okay. Everybody, smile.

(camera clicking) BERNIE: Come on, Mac!

Man, you know what, I just can't get over

this shine right... Oh! Ah!

God! Nessa! Nessa!

I'll pay you back.

Nessa!

(whimpers)

(statue thuds) Oh!

(squeaky whimpering)

(crying)

(Aretha Franklin: "Today I Sing The Blues")

♪ Without a word of warning ♪

♪ Blues walked in this morning ♪

♪ And circled round my lonely room ♪

The Mac Man...

Who you with?

Oh, Lord.

(bawling loudly)

Oh, Mac Man!

(blubbering) Oh, my ba... Oh, my ba...

Oh, my baby... my baby...

(sobbing)

Oh my baby.

Captioned by Visual Data