Original subtitles

(theme music playing)

Hey, Nessa,

what's your sculpture supplies

doing in the trash?

I was done with them.

What you mean, you done?

I signed you up for ten classes.

What you talking about, you're done?

It was just too messy.

I mean, the clay kept getting hard

under my fingernails.

BERNIE: Nessa, of course

it's going to be messy,

it's clay.

You got another word for clay? Dirt.

JORDAN: If she doesn't want them, I'll take them.

There. Jordan's using the clay

and everyone's happy.

No, everyone's not happy.

I'm still out of the money

for the ten classes I paid for,

that you begged me to take.

Baby Girl, what's wrong with your omelet?

I don't want anymore.

That's it. From here on in,

don't you all ask me for anything.

I'm done. That's it.

You all a bunch of quitters.

Quitters!

It's like a epidemic, America.

Just look in my closets.

They're filled with things them kids had to have.

Needed. Couldn't live without.

Nessa ice skates.

Baby Girl's Change-My-Diaper Doll.

Jordan, banjo.

Ballet class. Piano lessons.

These kids don't stick to nothing,

and look at this, America.

Surfboard.

What...

black boy you know surf?

Huh?

Bulldog.

I missed you, man.

How was your vacation?

Actually, uh, Big Pop, I lied.

I wasn't really on vacation.

I, uh, I went someplace spiritual

to do some soul-searching.

Oh, some pilgrimage, huh?

Where'd you go? South Jersey.

I stayed with my college girlfriend.

You know, she was real hippy-dippy.

You know, she smoked a lot of pot

and she smelled like patchouli.

You telling me you went to Jersey,

all the way to Jersey for a booty call?

Actually, no. She was my crisis counselor

'cause I needed her help.

Crisis?

Jer, what the hell is going on?

So they, you know, they just--they thought

they found a polyp in my, um...

Oh, no.

In my colon.

So, you know, I thought,

I just thought I had the Big "C."

Yo, but B-B-B, this is the thing.

The thing is is that I was like,

"Hello?" Epiphany.

You know? It was like God was sending me a message.

You know, he was saying, "Yo. JB, dawg,

it's time to get down.

It's time to get-get, get on down

and flip the script on life."

I can dig it.

I'm paraphrasing. But I'm--

I guess what I'm trying to say, B,

is that there's got to be more to life

than squeezing 50 grand out of the studio. You know?

That's... I want to start giving back

to society, to humanity.

Maybe you need to get more involved

in that environmental stuff.

Get yourself an electric car.

Oh, hell, no. Hell, no.

I still have three years on my Hummer,

so that's completely out of the question,

but, you know, I figure,

you know, I'll know it when I find it.

Well, when you do, you let me know.

I'll be right there for you.

Yes, ma'am, I know I paid

for ten classes in full,

but I have a young niece who have a case of the quits.

WOMAN (over phone): I understand. So is there any way

I can get a refund?

Or at least transfer the money

to a different class,

more of an adult class?

Like wine-tasting?

Cigar appreciation?

And what is a lanyard?

WOMAN: The (indistinct)

Oh, I see.

You want to make a keychain?

Mm-mm.

Of course you don't. Quitter.

Well, thank you for your time.

WOMAN (over phone): Good day! Bye-bye.

Well, as you can see, I tried,

and, uh, it got to come out of your allowance.

My allowance? That's right.

You didn't say anything about that,

and you can't just make up rules as you go along.

Sure I can, Nessa,

and you know when I changed it?

As we went along.

Mmm. WANDA: We need to talk about your nephew.

Oh, my nephew? What I got to punish him for?

I just got off the phone with Drew's mother.

Uh-huh. Did you give Jordan clay?

Doggone Nessa.

What happened?

Well, apparently he's making body parts.

Male body parts.

Little sissy.

I knew it was just a matter of time.

I knew it was. I told you.

You're the one that gave him the clay.

Yeah, your Aunt Wanda told me

what you been doing.

If I see anything made of clay

that I don't like,

I'm gonna mold your head, you get me?

So I can't make any more rockets?

I better not see it. I'm gonna knock

the plaque off your teeth.

BULLDOG: No way, Oliver. Come on, please.

$5,000 is an insult.

(chuckles) Okay.

Yeah, $20,000's great.

Ollie, 20--thank you.

$20,000's great. Thank you.

Okay. Bye.

Yes. I just raised 20 Gs for Seeds of Peace.

Well, what's that, a charity?

Yeah. They're working to bring peace

to the Middle East.

All right, so, it's a 10k run.

All the proceeds go to the Seeds,

a little seed money, if you will.

All right? (chuckles) Uh-hmm.

And, uh, I got a bunch of names lined up.

I got Ben Bratt, Charlize Theron,

and I was hoping that you were serious

when you said you had my back.

Well, dawg, you're doggone right I got your back.

I'll write a check out right now.

No, no, no, no, I don't-- I don't need your money.

I need your face,

and your money.

You need my face? Yeah.

I don't understand. Check this out, yo.

I want you to be the face of the race.

I want you to lead the charge.

You mean running?

Yeah. Uh-uh.

No, no, no, no, no,

I ain't doing no running.

I hate running. No, no. No, sir. No.

No, no, no. Look, Bernie,

it's all set. It's all set.

I got all the permits and all the TV coverage.

I mean, come on, Big Papa,

it's just a couple of hours

next Saturday afternoon.

Oh. Next Saturday? Yeah.

Oh, that count me out right there.

I'm playing golf with George Clooney.

I'm teeing off.

I can't possibly do it.

If it was any other day,

I'd be glad to help you out.

Nope. Next Saturday, can't do it, baby.

Nope. Wow.

Okay. You know, 'cause that kinda puts me

in a little bit of a spot, you know,

because I had-- I had some TV spots

and some press for you, lined up.

Well, wait, wait, I didn't tell you to do--

I didn't tell you to go and do that.

Well, I'm sorry. Maybe when you said,

"Whatever you need, Bulldog, I got your back."

Maybe I guess I misunderstood that.

My bad.

You're lucky he can't take it out of your allowance.

BERNIE: You know what, Bulldog?

You're right.

You're right, I did commit myself to you.

You're doggone right. You know why?

'Cause I'm a Mac,

and Macs...

we're not no quitters.

That's right, America.

Trying to lead by example.

We're gonna run 10k,

unite those Jews and Arabs,

and we're going to teach those kids

the meaning of the word "commitment."

All in a day's work for Bernie Mac.

(crowd cheering)

Welcome back to The Sports Den.

I'm Adam Carolla.

That's Sir Charles of Barkley

and Bern.

Uh-hmm.

Tell me how you got involved

with the Seeds of Peace program.

I mean, you don't exactly strike me

as a statesman.

You know, you're absolutely right,

you know?

I'm not a political man. Uh-hmm.

But if a little sweat

can bring a little peace to the Middle East,

I'll run like a king, then.

Wow. You're a good man.

Thank you. Thank you.

CHARLES: I'm sorry. Hold up a second.

What? Hey, listen,

you are a funny dude,

but you know what's hilarious?

You thinking you can run a 10k.

Just because you worn out,

beat up,

crippled...

disabled...

don't mean I am.

I still got a lot of life in me, Chuck.

Yeah. Okay?

I'm just putting my body

where my mouth is.

Yeah, and, by the way,

you going to let him get away

with calling you "Chuck," Chuck?

Come on, now.

That watch cost more than 10k,

I'll tell you that right now. That's nice.

Listen, he's just talking smack.

I'll pledge you a thousand bucks a kilometer

if you beat my best time,

54! 54 minutes, buddy!

A thousand dollars?

What's your cheap ass?

$2,000!

(chuckles)

I told you. You got him up.

My work is done here, Adam.

Yeah.

Hey, guys. Oh, sweet Lord.

What you doing back there, working out?

VANESSA: Yeah, I just ran the fire trail.

I've been training for Uncle Bernie's 10k,

and I was hoping you guys would sponsor me.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Hold on, now.

Who said you can run?

What? You're not going to let me

support peace in the Middle East?

I mean, those desert folks got enough on their mind

to worry about you disappointing them

and quitting on them.

Oh, come on, Bernie.

It's for a good cause. You know what?

I'll be glad to sponsor her.

Yeah, you know what? I got five on it.

(laughter)

BERNIE: Wait, wait, you might as well

save your money,

because all she's doing is running her mouth.

Talking out of the side of her neck.

VANESSA: You know what? Fine.

I was trying to do a good thing,

but forget it.

See, quitter?

I was going to let you run,

but you quit too fast.

Quitter.

No, no. You all don't understand.

She'll start off fine,

but she won't finish nothing.

You all might as well save your money

and sponsor me.

(laughter)

That's good. That's a good one.

What? What?

Look, I'd give you the bone marrow

if you needed it, man,

but I'm going to keep it real with you, dawg.

I mean, the chance of you finishing that race,

Hell. You running this race,

you might just need my bone marrow.

(laughter)

Yeah, have another cigar.

Oh, it's on, America.

It's on.

After this.

(alarm beeping)

Who set the alarm clock this doggone early?

WANDA: Honey, you did. You said you were gonna get a workout.

Doggone it.

Five more minutes.

(upbeat music playing)

BERNIE: (panting)

Damn, America.

I must be

more outta shape than I--than I thought.

(panting)

I should be dead.

Well, that's okay, America...

it's been a while.

I just need to ease into it, you know.

I'll find my stride in no time.

You know?

(alarm beeping)

(upbeat music playing)

I did it. I did it!

Yeah, baby!

I did it!

Did it!

Whoo!

Yeah.

I feel sore, America,

but it's a good pain.

Muscles-coming-alive pain.

It took a few days, but Bernie Mac

is getting his stride back, America.

Yes, sir.

Now, maybe a nice soak

and a rubdown by my baby.

Hey, its a rubdown, America.

I'm in training.

You know...

(clock beeping)

(breathing heavily)

Bernie? Ah!

Bernie, wake up. Yeah!

Honey, did you hear the alarm?

Ah, baby, my muscles

are too sore to turn it off.

I can't turn it off.

(screams)

Wanda, Wanda!

Baby, my muscles must have seized up

on me overnight.

I tell you, I'm locked up tighter than a nun.

WANDA: Honey, you're not physically capable

of running this race.

Of course I am.

I just need to loosen up and let the blood flow.

All right. Okay.

Let me just... (screams)

Don't do that! Don't do that right now!

(whimpering)

Okay, you know what? I'm sorry,

but you're going to have to quit.

Okay.

And he comes in here all blustery,

"I'm Bernie Mac.

I'm the black Flash.

I'm the fastest man on the planet."

How do you pull every muscle in your body?

I can't believe he's not running.

Bernie Mac, the face of disgrace. Mm-mm-mm.

You know what I'm going to do? Hmm?

I'm going to send him a pound cake.

Yeah, how about you just pound his face?

You know the thing that bugs me off the most?

(upbeat music playing)

I have a note from my doctor. Ouch!

Doctor Coharg gave me this note.

"No running," he said.

"No running."

Look at it.

"Under no circumstances,

no running."

I don't care if them gangbangers are chasing me,

he said no running.

I'm sick.

Hey, Wanda!

What's taking you so long?

You forgot about me?

I'm starving.

Here you go, Uncle Bernie.

The food's on its way.

What's this?

Cranberry juice.

It's an anti-inflammatory.

You know, it helps soothe arthritic joints?

Oh, you just getting a kick

out of this, ain't you?

WANDA: I hope the patient is hungry.

Mm-hmm, I sure is.

Honey, Vanessa helped me make the fried chicken.

She did? WANDA: Mm-hmm.

I know athletes aren't supposed

to eat fried foods,

but since you're laid up.

Hey, would you like me to fluff your pillow?

Oh, no, no! Stop, stop!

Baby, would you get her out of here?!

Get her out of here! Honey, calm down.

Uh, come on.

Let's leave your uncle alone, honey.

He's a little cranky.

Try to rest, honey.

Okay. Thank you.

Psst!

Quitter!

You hear that, Wanda?!

Wanda, you know what she said?!

You believe that girl, America?

Calling me a quitter.

How can a cripple be a quitter?

I got more follow-through than John McEnroe

and Tiger Woods combined.

I just can't move it right now,

that's all.

Ain't never quit nothing in my life.

CAROLLA: All right, people,

are we ready to run our ass off for peace?

(all cheer)

On your marks, get set.

(gunshot)

(upbeat music playing)

Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, thank you so much, man.

You really saved my ass. I appreciate it.

It's for a great cause. How's Bernie?

Uh, he's in a lot of pain, you know, pull, spasms,

but, uh, he's handling it like a gladiator, so...

Good, good, 'cause, uh,

we got a little surprise

I think's going to cheer him up.

You do?

Yeah. (chuckles)

(phone ringing)

Yo, this is Mac.

Oh, hey, Charles.

Yeah, I got your pound cake. Hilarious.

No, I'm not watching Face The Race.

No, I'm not watching.

Hold on.

(audience laughing on tv)

Oh, now, that's very funny.

Where's the other stooge, Adam?

He's at your race

taking your place.

What the heck he doing at my race?

Bernie, you're too old to run,

so I sent somebody

in your place in your race.

BERNIE: Shoot, what you talking about? Adam?

He look less fit than you do.

Here's the thing, Bernie.

I'm not running the race,

she is.

Hi, Uncle Bernie.

Nessa?

What the heck you doing in my race?

What does it look like I'm doing?

Look, don't sass me.

And take that number off you.

That's for only the people who running the race.

He doesn't think I can finish the race.

Really? I don't know, Bernie.

She looks pretty fit to me.

BERNIE: Look, where--where's Charles?

Charles, you need to learn

how to stay out of people's private affairs.

And Nessa, I thought

me and you had this thing settled already.

You told me you weren't going to run.

(scoffs)

Peace in the Middle East.

(upbeat music playing)

WANDA: Here you go, baby,

let's soothe those muscles.

Okay?

(cheering)

(gasps) Ooh, honey, that's Vanessa.

Hey, kids! Your sister's on TV!

Oh, look at her.

Ooh! Oh!

(groaning)

Oh-oh, come on.

Come on, Jordan.

Holy moly, what's she doing?

She's running my race.

Your uncle's on the phone.

(groans)

What?

"What?"

Yeah, Nessa,

you think you clever, don't you?

You think you real clever.

You think you hurt me, too, don't you?

What are you doing?

I'm running a race!

Leave me alone!

Honey, just leave her alone.

At least this is for charity.

You sponsored her, didn't you?

Crazy person.

I'm standing here at the halfway point

and Bernie Mac's niece just breezed by

like she was in a Maxi Pad commercial.

She's looking strong.

Only five more kilometers to go.

Back to you, Charles.

Trust me, I know my niece.

She may look like she's doing pretty good,

but she's running on hate fumes,

and that's only going to take her so far, trust me.

BRYANA: She's slowing down.

JORDAN: She's got nothing left.

Hello?

Hello, Barkley, this is Mac.

Let me speak to my niece, please.

She don't want to talk to you!

Did I ask you that? You know,

this is the kind of harassment

athletes have to put up with

all the time!

Put her on the damn phone!

Put her on the damn phone!

Put her on!

CAROLLA: Vanessa,

I got your uncle on the line.

(groans) What?!

Hey, is this where you quit?

Why can't you just leave me alone?

Watch it!

BERNIE: Oh, you going to let an old lady pass you up?!

Show you up like that?

My side hurts!

Well, guess what.

It's a real soft, comfy cushion

sitting here right next to me.

I'd rather die.

Why must you torture her?

Because, baby, she's three-quarters away.

And you know what?

Doggone it, I'm starting to believe she can do it.

Why don't you leave her alone then?

Leave her alone?

I'm the only thing keeping her going, doggone it.

Come on, Nessa, you can do it.

America, for once in her life,

looks like the girl isn't going to quit.

And she's going to finish that race

and I'm going to be there when she does.

I don't care how much pain I'm in.

If she can hobble her way to the finish line, so can I.

(indistinct chatter)

WANDA: (cheering)

Hey, what are you guys doing here?

Your uncle thought it'd be great

if we come celebrate your victory.

Congratulations, girl. We did it.

We?

All you did was annoy me.

Annoyed you right across the finish line.

(groans)

Spite is an evil, ugly thing, America,

but when used correctly,

it could be a wonderful motivational tool.

And if it takes a little spite and anger towards me

to inspire Vanessa to finish what she starts,

I say, "Bring it on."

Today, a 10K.

Tomorrow, SATs.

See, parents, take note.

Annoy the hell out your kids.

You'll be surprised what they can achieve.

Oh, and Charles,

thank you for your spite, too.

Without your pettiness,

none of this could have happened.

Jordan, what you doing in my room?

Can I have my stuff back?

My rockets and my Moon base?

I don't see what you have against the space program.

You think I'm stupid?

That ain't no Moon base.

You trying to make body parts.

Body parts?

It looks like a butt!

Where's my clay? I'm going to make some boobies!

Captioned by Visual Data