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1
00:00:02,803 --> 00:00:05,629
(theme music playing)
2
00:00:17,584 --> 00:00:18,675
Hey, Nessa,
3
00:00:18,752 --> 00:00:20,135
what's your sculpture supplies
4
00:00:20,212 --> 00:00:21,145
doing in the trash?
5
00:00:21,221 --> 00:00:22,888
I was done with them.
6
00:00:22,964 --> 00:00:24,681
What you mean, you done?
7
00:00:24,758 --> 00:00:26,808
I signed you up
for ten classes.
8
00:00:26,885 --> 00:00:28,268
What you talking about,
you're done?
9
00:00:28,345 --> 00:00:30,312
It was just too messy.
10
00:00:30,388 --> 00:00:31,772
I mean, the clay
kept getting hard
11
00:00:31,848 --> 00:00:32,939
under my fingernails.
12
00:00:32,950 --> 00:00:34,024
BERNIE: Nessa, of course
13
00:00:34,101 --> 00:00:35,358
it's going to be messy,
14
00:00:35,435 --> 00:00:36,735
it's clay.
15
00:00:36,579 --> 00:00:39,529
You got another word
for clay? Dirt.
16
00:00:39,606 --> 00:00:41,081
JORDAN: If she doesn't
want them, I'll take them.
17
00:00:42,409 --> 00:00:44,242
There. Jordan's using the clay
18
00:00:44,319 --> 00:00:45,669
and everyone's happy.
19
00:00:45,746 --> 00:00:47,062
No, everyone's not happy.
20
00:00:47,139 --> 00:00:48,914
I'm still out of the money
21
00:00:48,990 --> 00:00:50,632
for the ten classes
I paid for,
22
00:00:50,709 --> 00:00:53,177
that you begged me to take.
23
00:00:53,253 --> 00:00:55,012
Baby Girl, what's wrong
with your omelet?
24
00:00:55,089 --> 00:00:57,047
I don't want anymore.
25
00:00:57,058 --> 00:00:58,340
That's it. From here on in,
26
00:00:58,416 --> 00:01:00,184
don't you all ask me
for anything.
27
00:01:00,260 --> 00:01:02,135
I'm done. That's it.
28
00:01:02,212 --> 00:01:04,596
You all a bunch of quitters.
29
00:01:04,607 --> 00:01:06,306
Quitters!
30
00:01:06,383 --> 00:01:08,600
It's like a epidemic, America.
31
00:01:08,611 --> 00:01:10,068
Just look in my closets.
32
00:01:10,145 --> 00:01:12,813
They're filled with things
them kids had to have.
33
00:01:12,889 --> 00:01:15,449
Needed. Couldn't live without.
34
00:01:15,526 --> 00:01:16,859
Nessa ice skates.
35
00:01:16,935 --> 00:01:19,027
Baby Girl's
Change-My-Diaper Doll.
36
00:01:19,104 --> 00:01:20,904
Jordan, banjo.
37
00:01:20,981 --> 00:01:23,373
Ballet class. Piano lessons.
38
00:01:23,450 --> 00:01:25,909
These kids don't stick
to nothing,
39
00:01:25,986 --> 00:01:27,494
and look at this, America.
40
00:01:27,571 --> 00:01:29,412
Surfboard.
41
00:01:29,489 --> 00:01:30,580
What...
42
00:01:30,657 --> 00:01:33,291
black boy you know surf?
43
00:01:33,368 --> 00:01:34,176
Huh?
44
00:01:35,495 --> 00:01:36,845
Bulldog.
45
00:01:36,922 --> 00:01:38,004
I missed you, man.
46
00:01:38,081 --> 00:01:39,180
How was your vacation?
47
00:01:39,058 --> 00:01:40,465
Actually, uh,
Big Pop, I lied.
48
00:01:40,542 --> 00:01:42,300
I wasn't really
on vacation.
49
00:01:42,377 --> 00:01:43,927
I, uh, I went
someplace spiritual
50
00:01:44,004 --> 00:01:45,220
to do some
soul-searching.
51
00:01:45,297 --> 00:01:46,721
Oh, some pilgrimage, huh?
52
00:01:46,798 --> 00:01:48,348
Where'd you go?
South Jersey.
53
00:01:48,425 --> 00:01:49,599
I stayed
with my college girlfriend.
54
00:01:49,610 --> 00:01:51,184
You know,
she was real hippy-dippy.
55
00:01:51,261 --> 00:01:52,269
You know,
she smoked a lot of pot
56
00:01:52,345 --> 00:01:54,863
and she smelled
like patchouli.
57
00:01:54,940 --> 00:01:56,231
You telling me
you went to Jersey,
58
00:01:56,308 --> 00:01:57,774
all the way to Jersey
for a booty call?
59
00:01:57,851 --> 00:01:59,693
Actually, no.
She was my crisis counselor
60
00:01:59,769 --> 00:02:01,862
'cause I needed her help.
61
00:02:01,872 --> 00:02:03,446
Crisis?
62
00:02:03,523 --> 00:02:05,323
Jer, what the hell is going on?
63
00:02:05,400 --> 00:02:06,950
So they, you know,
they just--they thought
64
00:02:07,027 --> 00:02:09,452
they found a polyp in my, um...
65
00:02:09,529 --> 00:02:11,046
Oh, no.
66
00:02:11,123 --> 00:02:13,081
In my colon.
67
00:02:13,092 --> 00:02:14,191
So, you know, I thought,
68
00:02:14,268 --> 00:02:15,375
I just thought I had
the Big "C."
69
00:02:15,386 --> 00:02:17,469
Yo, but B-B-B,
this is the thing.
70
00:02:17,546 --> 00:02:18,879
The thing is
is that I was like,
71
00:02:18,955 --> 00:02:20,380
"Hello?" Epiphany.
72
00:02:20,457 --> 00:02:22,507
You know? It was like
God was sending me a message.
73
00:02:22,518 --> 00:02:24,801
You know, he was saying,
"Yo. JB, dawg,
74
00:02:24,878 --> 00:02:25,927
it's time to get down.
75
00:02:26,004 --> 00:02:26,970
It's time to get-get,
get on down
76
00:02:27,047 --> 00:02:28,438
and flip the script on life."
77
00:02:28,515 --> 00:02:30,274
I can dig it.
78
00:02:30,350 --> 00:02:31,541
I'm paraphrasing.
But I'm--
79
00:02:31,618 --> 00:02:32,709
I guess what
I'm trying to say, B,
80
00:02:32,786 --> 00:02:34,644
is that there's got
to be more to life
81
00:02:34,655 --> 00:02:37,355
than squeezing 50 grand
out of the studio. You know?
82
00:02:37,432 --> 00:02:39,399
That's...
I want to start giving back
83
00:02:39,476 --> 00:02:41,484
to society, to humanity.
84
00:02:41,561 --> 00:02:42,903
Maybe you need
to get more involved
85
00:02:42,979 --> 00:02:44,487
in that environmental stuff.
86
00:02:44,564 --> 00:02:46,364
Get yourself an electric car.
87
00:02:46,441 --> 00:02:47,541
Oh, hell, no.
Hell, no.
88
00:02:47,618 --> 00:02:48,783
I still have three years
on my Hummer,
89
00:02:48,860 --> 00:02:50,368
so that's completely
out of the question,
90
00:02:50,379 --> 00:02:52,037
but, you know, I figure,
91
00:02:52,113 --> 00:02:54,089
you know, I'll know it
when I find it.
92
00:02:54,166 --> 00:02:56,499
Well, when you do,
you let me know.
93
00:02:56,576 --> 00:02:58,385
I'll be right
there for you.
94
00:02:59,246 --> 00:03:00,670
Yes, ma'am, I know I paid
95
00:03:00,747 --> 00:03:02,505
for ten classes in full,
96
00:03:02,582 --> 00:03:04,883
but I have a young niece
who have a case of the quits.
97
00:03:04,960 --> 00:03:06,843
WOMAN (over phone):I understand.
So is there any way
98
00:03:06,920 --> 00:03:08,011
I can get a refund?
99
00:03:08,088 --> 00:03:09,846
Or at least transfer the money
100
00:03:09,923 --> 00:03:10,847
to a different class,
101
00:03:10,924 --> 00:03:12,015
more of an adult class?
102
00:03:12,092 --> 00:03:13,892
Like wine-tasting?
103
00:03:13,969 --> 00:03:15,852
Cigar appreciation?
104
00:03:15,929 --> 00:03:17,229
And what is a lanyard?
105
00:03:17,305 --> 00:03:18,488
WOMAN: The (indistinct)
106
00:03:18,565 --> 00:03:20,857
Oh, I see.
107
00:03:20,934 --> 00:03:22,117
You want to make a keychain?
108
00:03:22,194 --> 00:03:23,318
Mm-mm.
109
00:03:23,395 --> 00:03:26,029
Of course you don't. Quitter.
110
00:03:26,106 --> 00:03:27,497
Well, thank you for your time.
111
00:03:27,208 --> 00:03:28,373
WOMAN (over phone): Good day!
Bye-bye.
112
00:03:29,359 --> 00:03:31,501
Well, as you can see, I tried,
113
00:03:31,578 --> 00:03:35,080
and, uh, it got to come out
of your allowance.
114
00:03:35,156 --> 00:03:36,498
My allowance?
That's right.
115
00:03:36,508 --> 00:03:38,250
You didn't say anything
about that,
116
00:03:38,326 --> 00:03:40,919
and you can't just make up rules
as you go along.
117
00:03:40,996 --> 00:03:42,095
Sure I can, Nessa,
118
00:03:42,172 --> 00:03:43,880
and you know
when I changed it?
119
00:03:43,957 --> 00:03:45,515
As we went along.
120
00:03:47,853 --> 00:03:50,479
Mmm.
WANDA: We need to talk
about your nephew.
121
00:03:50,555 --> 00:03:53,181
Oh, my nephew?
What I got to punish him for?
122
00:03:53,258 --> 00:03:55,183
I just got off the phone
with Drew's mother.
123
00:03:55,260 --> 00:03:57,736
Uh-huh.
Did you give Jordan clay?
124
00:03:59,973 --> 00:04:02,274
Doggone Nessa.
125
00:04:02,350 --> 00:04:03,699
What happened?
126
00:04:03,577 --> 00:04:05,786
Well, apparently
he's making body parts.
127
00:04:07,373 --> 00:04:09,581
Male body parts.
128
00:04:10,834 --> 00:04:13,451
Little sissy.
129
00:04:13,528 --> 00:04:15,078
I knew it was just
a matter of time.
130
00:04:15,155 --> 00:04:16,413
I knew it was. I told you.
131
00:04:16,489 --> 00:04:18,257
You're the one
that gave him the clay.
132
00:04:19,451 --> 00:04:20,750
Yeah, your Aunt Wanda told me
133
00:04:20,827 --> 00:04:22,127
what you been doing.
134
00:04:22,137 --> 00:04:24,170
If I see anything
made of clay
135
00:04:24,247 --> 00:04:25,264
that I don't like,
136
00:04:25,340 --> 00:04:26,631
I'm gonna mold your head,
you get me?
137
00:04:26,708 --> 00:04:28,341
So I can't make
any more rockets?
138
00:04:28,418 --> 00:04:30,093
I better not see it.
I'm gonna knock
139
00:04:30,170 --> 00:04:31,636
the plaque off your teeth.
140
00:04:31,713 --> 00:04:33,430
BULLDOG: No way, Oliver.
Come on, please.
141
00:04:33,506 --> 00:04:35,598
$5,000 is an insult.
142
00:04:35,675 --> 00:04:37,017
(chuckles) Okay.
143
00:04:37,093 --> 00:04:38,226
Yeah, $20,000's great.
144
00:04:38,303 --> 00:04:39,278
Ollie, 20--thank you.
145
00:04:39,354 --> 00:04:40,770
$20,000's great.
Thank you.
146
00:04:40,847 --> 00:04:41,905
Okay. Bye.
147
00:04:41,982 --> 00:04:45,108
Yes. I just raised 20 Gs
for Seeds of Peace.
148
00:04:45,185 --> 00:04:46,401
Well, what's that,
a charity?
149
00:04:46,478 --> 00:04:47,319
Yeah. They're working
to bring peace
150
00:04:47,395 --> 00:04:48,578
to the Middle East.
151
00:04:49,647 --> 00:04:51,656
All right, so,
it's a 10k run.
152
00:04:51,733 --> 00:04:53,450
All the proceeds
go to the Seeds,
153
00:04:53,526 --> 00:04:54,993
a little seed money,
if you will.
154
00:04:55,070 --> 00:04:56,328
All right? (chuckles)
Uh-hmm.
155
00:04:56,404 --> 00:04:59,080
And, uh, I got a bunch
of names lined up.
156
00:04:59,157 --> 00:05:00,749
I got Ben Bratt,
Charlize Theron,
157
00:05:00,825 --> 00:05:02,959
and I was hoping
that you were serious
158
00:05:03,036 --> 00:05:04,294
when you said
you had my back.
159
00:05:04,371 --> 00:05:05,628
Well, dawg, you're doggone right
I got your back.
160
00:05:05,639 --> 00:05:07,155
I'll write a check
out right now.
161
00:05:07,232 --> 00:05:09,266
No, no, no, no, I don't--
I don't need your money.
162
00:05:09,343 --> 00:05:10,967
I need your face,
163
00:05:11,044 --> 00:05:12,969
and your money.
164
00:05:13,046 --> 00:05:14,304
You need my face?
Yeah.
165
00:05:14,381 --> 00:05:15,847
I don't understand.
Check this out, yo.
166
00:05:15,924 --> 00:05:19,642
I want you to be
the face of the race.
167
00:05:19,719 --> 00:05:21,728
I want you
to lead the charge.
168
00:05:21,805 --> 00:05:22,854
You mean running?
169
00:05:22,865 --> 00:05:23,938
Yeah.
Uh-uh.
170
00:05:23,949 --> 00:05:25,523
No, no, no, no, no,
171
00:05:25,600 --> 00:05:26,883
I ain't doing no running.
172
00:05:26,960 --> 00:05:30,028
I hate running.
No, no. No, sir. No.
173
00:05:30,105 --> 00:05:31,905
No, no, no.
Look, Bernie,
174
00:05:31,981 --> 00:05:33,656
it's all set. It's all set.
175
00:05:33,733 --> 00:05:36,159
I got all the permits
and all the TV coverage.
176
00:05:36,236 --> 00:05:38,078
I mean, come on, Big Papa,
177
00:05:38,154 --> 00:05:39,162
it's just a couple of hours
178
00:05:39,239 --> 00:05:40,288
next Saturday afternoon.
179
00:05:40,365 --> 00:05:41,706
Oh. Next Saturday?
Yeah.
180
00:05:41,783 --> 00:05:43,333
Oh, that count me
out right there.
181
00:05:43,410 --> 00:05:45,085
I'm playing golf
with George Clooney.
182
00:05:45,161 --> 00:05:47,304
I'm teeing off.
183
00:05:47,381 --> 00:05:48,588
I can't possibly do it.
184
00:05:48,665 --> 00:05:49,589
If it was any other day,
185
00:05:49,666 --> 00:05:50,882
I'd be glad to help you out.
186
00:05:50,959 --> 00:05:53,176
Nope. Next Saturday,
can't do it, baby.
187
00:05:53,253 --> 00:05:55,011
Nope.
Wow.
188
00:05:55,088 --> 00:05:57,305
Okay. You know,
'cause that kinda puts me
189
00:05:57,382 --> 00:05:58,681
in a little bit
of a spot, you know,
190
00:05:58,758 --> 00:06:00,817
because I had--
I had some TV spots
191
00:06:00,894 --> 00:06:03,353
and some press
for you, lined up.
192
00:06:03,430 --> 00:06:04,729
Well, wait, wait,
I didn't tell you to do--
193
00:06:04,806 --> 00:06:06,189
I didn't tell you
to go and do that.
194
00:06:06,266 --> 00:06:07,607
Well, I'm sorry.
Maybe when you said,
195
00:06:07,684 --> 00:06:09,484
"Whatever you need, Bulldog,
I got your back."
196
00:06:09,561 --> 00:06:10,735
Maybe I guess
I misunderstood that.
197
00:06:10,746 --> 00:06:12,220
My bad.
198
00:06:12,297 --> 00:06:15,123
You're lucky he can't take it
out of your allowance.
199
00:06:17,628 --> 00:06:19,452
BERNIE: You know what, Bulldog?
200
00:06:19,529 --> 00:06:21,037
You're right.
201
00:06:21,114 --> 00:06:23,164
You're right,
I did commit myself to you.
202
00:06:23,241 --> 00:06:24,958
You're doggone right.
You know why?
203
00:06:24,968 --> 00:06:26,376
'Cause I'm a Mac,
204
00:06:26,453 --> 00:06:28,336
and Macs...
205
00:06:28,413 --> 00:06:30,055
we're not no quitters.
206
00:06:33,585 --> 00:06:34,634
That's right, America.
207
00:06:34,711 --> 00:06:36,511
Trying to lead by example.
208
00:06:36,588 --> 00:06:38,138
We're gonna run 10k,
209
00:06:38,214 --> 00:06:39,773
unite those Jews and Arabs,
210
00:06:39,850 --> 00:06:41,558
and we're going
to teach those kids
211
00:06:41,634 --> 00:06:43,935
the meaning of the word
"commitment."
212
00:06:43,946 --> 00:06:47,030
All in a day's work
for Bernie Mac.
213
00:06:52,913 --> 00:06:55,447
(crowd cheering)
214
00:06:55,523 --> 00:06:57,282
Welcome back
to The Sports Den.
215
00:06:57,292 --> 00:06:58,299
I'm Adam Carolla.
216
00:06:58,376 --> 00:07:00,702
That's Sir Charles
of Barkley
217
00:07:00,778 --> 00:07:01,911
and Bern.
218
00:07:01,988 --> 00:07:03,104
Uh-hmm.
219
00:07:03,048 --> 00:07:04,539
Tell me how you got involved
220
00:07:04,616 --> 00:07:06,374
with the Seeds of Peace program.
221
00:07:06,451 --> 00:07:07,876
I mean, you don't
exactly strike me
222
00:07:07,952 --> 00:07:09,586
as a statesman.
223
00:07:09,596 --> 00:07:10,920
You know,
you're absolutely right,
224
00:07:10,997 --> 00:07:12,138
you know?
225
00:07:12,215 --> 00:07:13,715
I'm not a political man.
Uh-hmm.
226
00:07:13,791 --> 00:07:15,175
But if a little sweat
227
00:07:15,251 --> 00:07:17,427
can bring a little peace
to the Middle East,
228
00:07:17,504 --> 00:07:18,887
I'll run like a king, then.
229
00:07:18,897 --> 00:07:20,054
Wow. You're a good man.
230
00:07:20,131 --> 00:07:21,389
Thank you. Thank you.
231
00:07:21,466 --> 00:07:23,349
CHARLES: I'm sorry.
Hold up a second.
232
00:07:23,426 --> 00:07:24,225
What?
Hey, listen,
233
00:07:24,302 --> 00:07:26,060
you are a funny dude,
234
00:07:26,071 --> 00:07:28,021
but you know what's hilarious?
235
00:07:28,097 --> 00:07:30,398
You thinking you can run a 10k.
236
00:07:30,475 --> 00:07:33,234
Just because you worn out,
237
00:07:33,311 --> 00:07:35,028
beat up,
238
00:07:35,104 --> 00:07:36,237
crippled...
239
00:07:36,314 --> 00:07:37,622
disabled...
240
00:07:37,699 --> 00:07:39,365
don't mean I am.
241
00:07:39,376 --> 00:07:42,285
I still got a lot
of life in me, Chuck.
242
00:07:42,296 --> 00:07:43,495
Yeah.
Okay?
243
00:07:43,571 --> 00:07:45,079
I'm just putting my body
244
00:07:45,156 --> 00:07:46,456
where my mouth is.
245
00:07:46,300 --> 00:07:47,999
Yeah, and,
by the way,
246
00:07:48,076 --> 00:07:49,125
you going to let him
get away
247
00:07:49,202 --> 00:07:51,085
with calling you
"Chuck," Chuck?
248
00:07:51,162 --> 00:07:52,520
Come on, now.
249
00:07:52,597 --> 00:07:53,838
That watch cost
more than 10k,
250
00:07:53,915 --> 00:07:55,548
I'll tell you that
right now. That's nice.
251
00:07:55,625 --> 00:07:57,550
Listen, he's just
talking smack.
252
00:07:57,627 --> 00:08:00,553
I'll pledge you
a thousand bucks a kilometer
253
00:08:00,630 --> 00:08:02,931
if you beat my best time,
254
00:08:03,007 --> 00:08:06,735
54! 54 minutes, buddy!
255
00:08:08,137 --> 00:08:10,780
A thousand dollars?
256
00:08:12,183 --> 00:08:13,733
What's your cheap ass?
257
00:08:13,810 --> 00:08:15,026
$2,000!
258
00:08:15,103 --> 00:08:16,319
(chuckles)
259
00:08:16,396 --> 00:08:17,987
I told you.
You got him up.
260
00:08:18,064 --> 00:08:19,623
My work is done here,
Adam.
261
00:08:19,699 --> 00:08:20,481
Yeah.
262
00:08:20,559 --> 00:08:24,035
Hey, guys.
Oh, sweet Lord.
263
00:08:24,112 --> 00:08:25,453
What you doing
back there, working out?
264
00:08:25,530 --> 00:08:27,288
VANESSA: Yeah,
I just ran the fire trail.
265
00:08:27,365 --> 00:08:29,633
I've been training
for Uncle Bernie's 10k,
266
00:08:29,709 --> 00:08:32,585
and I was hoping
you guys would sponsor me.
267
00:08:32,662 --> 00:08:33,878
Wait, wait,
wait, wait.
268
00:08:33,955 --> 00:08:35,129
Hold on, now.
269
00:08:35,206 --> 00:08:37,257
Who said you can run?
270
00:08:37,333 --> 00:08:38,475
What? You're not going to let me
271
00:08:38,552 --> 00:08:40,843
support peace
in the Middle East?
272
00:08:40,920 --> 00:08:43,137
I mean, those desert folks
got enough on their mind
273
00:08:43,148 --> 00:08:44,973
to worry about you
disappointing them
274
00:08:45,049 --> 00:08:46,015
and quitting on them.
275
00:08:46,092 --> 00:08:47,850
Oh, come on, Bernie.
276
00:08:47,927 --> 00:08:49,394
It's for a good cause.
You know what?
277
00:08:49,470 --> 00:08:50,853
I'll be glad to sponsor her.
278
00:08:50,930 --> 00:08:52,656
Yeah, you know what?
I got five on it.
279
00:08:52,732 --> 00:08:54,524
(laughter)
280
00:08:54,535 --> 00:08:55,858
BERNIE: Wait, wait,
you might as well
281
00:08:55,935 --> 00:08:57,468
save your money,
282
00:08:57,546 --> 00:08:58,703
because all she's doing
is running her mouth.
283
00:08:58,780 --> 00:09:00,655
Talking out of the side
of her neck.
284
00:09:00,732 --> 00:09:02,282
VANESSA: You know what? Fine.
285
00:09:02,358 --> 00:09:04,158
I was trying to do a good thing,
286
00:09:04,169 --> 00:09:05,910
but forget it.
287
00:09:05,987 --> 00:09:06,962
See, quitter?
288
00:09:07,038 --> 00:09:08,413
I was going
to let you run,
289
00:09:08,489 --> 00:09:10,340
but you quit too fast.
290
00:09:11,618 --> 00:09:12,676
Quitter.
291
00:09:14,454 --> 00:09:16,179
No, no.
You all don't understand.
292
00:09:16,256 --> 00:09:17,630
She'll start off fine,
293
00:09:17,707 --> 00:09:19,683
but she won't finish nothing.
294
00:09:19,759 --> 00:09:21,801
You all might as well
save your money
295
00:09:21,878 --> 00:09:23,845
and sponsor me.
296
00:09:23,921 --> 00:09:26,514
(laughter)
297
00:09:26,525 --> 00:09:28,984
That's good. That's a good one.
298
00:09:29,060 --> 00:09:30,151
What? What?
299
00:09:30,228 --> 00:09:31,319
Look, I'd give you
the bone marrow
300
00:09:31,396 --> 00:09:32,696
if you needed it, man,
301
00:09:32,772 --> 00:09:34,689
but I'm going to keep it
real with you, dawg.
302
00:09:34,766 --> 00:09:36,992
I mean, the chance
of you finishing that race,
303
00:09:38,478 --> 00:09:40,445
Hell.
You running this race,
304
00:09:40,521 --> 00:09:42,205
you might just need
my bone marrow.
305
00:09:42,282 --> 00:09:43,573
(laughter)
306
00:09:43,650 --> 00:09:46,075
Yeah, have another cigar.
307
00:09:46,152 --> 00:09:47,785
Oh, it's on, America.
308
00:09:47,862 --> 00:09:49,087
It's on.
309
00:09:53,385 --> 00:09:55,376
After this.
310
00:09:55,387 --> 00:09:58,555
(alarm beeping)
311
00:10:04,730 --> 00:10:08,264
Who set the alarm clock
this doggone early?
312
00:10:08,341 --> 00:10:11,351
WANDA: Honey, you did. You said
you were gonna get a workout.
313
00:10:11,427 --> 00:10:12,902
Doggone it.
314
00:10:14,239 --> 00:10:15,822
Five more minutes.
315
00:10:19,477 --> 00:10:22,537
(upbeat music playing)
316
00:10:28,486 --> 00:10:31,630
BERNIE: (panting)
317
00:10:41,541 --> 00:10:43,049
Damn, America.
318
00:10:43,126 --> 00:10:44,267
I must be
319
00:10:44,344 --> 00:10:46,469
more outta shape
than I--than I thought.
320
00:10:46,546 --> 00:10:49,606
(panting)
321
00:10:51,175 --> 00:10:52,651
I should be dead.
322
00:10:55,179 --> 00:10:56,988
Well, that's okay, America...
323
00:10:57,065 --> 00:10:58,439
it's been a while.
324
00:10:58,516 --> 00:11:01,567
I just need to ease
into it, you know.
325
00:11:01,644 --> 00:11:04,070
I'll find my stride in no time.
326
00:11:04,147 --> 00:11:05,863
You know?
327
00:11:05,940 --> 00:11:07,990
(alarm beeping)
328
00:11:08,067 --> 00:11:10,960
(upbeat music playing)
329
00:11:35,720 --> 00:11:38,438
I did it. I did it!
330
00:11:38,514 --> 00:11:39,814
Yeah, baby!
331
00:11:39,825 --> 00:11:40,982
I did it!
332
00:11:41,058 --> 00:11:42,191
Did it!
333
00:11:42,268 --> 00:11:43,702
Whoo!
334
00:11:46,272 --> 00:11:47,321
Yeah.
335
00:11:47,332 --> 00:11:48,656
I feel sore, America,
336
00:11:48,733 --> 00:11:50,158
but it's a good pain.
337
00:11:50,234 --> 00:11:51,993
Muscles-coming-alive pain.
338
00:11:52,069 --> 00:11:54,337
It took a few days,
but Bernie Mac
339
00:11:54,414 --> 00:11:55,997
is getting his stride back,
America.
340
00:11:56,073 --> 00:11:57,165
Yes, sir.
341
00:11:57,241 --> 00:11:58,291
Now, maybe a nice soak
342
00:11:58,301 --> 00:12:00,710
and a rubdown by my baby.
343
00:12:00,787 --> 00:12:03,337
Hey, its a rubdown, America.
344
00:12:03,414 --> 00:12:04,848
I'm in training.
345
00:12:04,924 --> 00:12:06,424
You know...
346
00:12:06,501 --> 00:12:08,092
(clock beeping)
347
00:12:08,169 --> 00:12:11,020
(breathing heavily)
348
00:12:15,259 --> 00:12:16,184
Bernie?
Ah!
349
00:12:16,260 --> 00:12:17,560
Bernie, wake up.
Yeah!
350
00:12:17,637 --> 00:12:18,686
Honey, did you hear
the alarm?
351
00:12:18,763 --> 00:12:20,688
Ah, baby, my muscles
352
00:12:20,699 --> 00:12:22,190
are too sore to turn it off.
353
00:12:22,266 --> 00:12:24,275
I can't turn it off.
354
00:12:24,286 --> 00:12:26,027
(screams)
355
00:12:26,103 --> 00:12:27,945
Wanda, Wanda!
356
00:12:28,022 --> 00:12:29,873
Baby, my muscles
must have seized up
357
00:12:29,949 --> 00:12:31,366
on me overnight.
358
00:12:31,442 --> 00:12:33,868
I tell you, I'm locked up
tighter than a nun.
359
00:12:33,945 --> 00:12:36,120
WANDA: Honey,
you're not physically capable
360
00:12:36,197 --> 00:12:37,255
of running this race.
361
00:12:37,332 --> 00:12:38,690
Of course I am.
362
00:12:38,766 --> 00:12:41,250
I just need to loosen up
and let the blood flow.
363
00:12:41,327 --> 00:12:42,284
All right.
Okay.
364
00:12:42,362 --> 00:12:44,337
Let me just...
(screams)
365
00:12:44,413 --> 00:12:46,172
Don't do that!
Don't do that right now!
366
00:12:46,249 --> 00:12:49,217
(whimpering)
367
00:12:49,293 --> 00:12:50,843
Okay, you know what?
I'm sorry,
368
00:12:50,920 --> 00:12:51,928
but you're going
to have to quit.
369
00:12:51,938 --> 00:12:53,021
Okay.
370
00:12:56,676 --> 00:12:58,434
And he comes in hereall blustery,
371
00:12:58,511 --> 00:12:59,894
"I'm Bernie Mac.
372
00:12:59,905 --> 00:13:01,312
I'm the black Flash.
373
00:13:01,389 --> 00:13:03,606
I'm the fastest manon the planet."
374
00:13:03,683 --> 00:13:06,692
How do you pull every musclein your body?
375
00:13:06,769 --> 00:13:08,653
I can't believehe's not running.
376
00:13:08,663 --> 00:13:12,198
Bernie Mac,the face of disgrace.Mm-mm-mm.
377
00:13:12,275 --> 00:13:13,616
You know whatI'm going to do?Hmm?
378
00:13:13,693 --> 00:13:15,168
I'm going to sendhim a pound cake.
379
00:13:15,245 --> 00:13:17,495
Yeah, how aboutyou just pound his face?
380
00:13:17,572 --> 00:13:19,330
You know the thingthat bugs me off the most?
381
00:13:19,341 --> 00:13:22,291
(upbeat music playing)
382
00:13:22,368 --> 00:13:24,502
I have a note from my doctor.
Ouch!
383
00:13:24,579 --> 00:13:27,004
Doctor Coharg
gave me this note.
384
00:13:27,081 --> 00:13:28,798
"No running," he said.
385
00:13:28,809 --> 00:13:30,091
"No running."
386
00:13:30,167 --> 00:13:31,050
Look at it.
387
00:13:31,127 --> 00:13:33,478
"Under no circumstances,
388
00:13:34,314 --> 00:13:35,813
no running."
389
00:13:35,690 --> 00:13:37,974
I don't care if them gangbangers
are chasing me,
390
00:13:38,050 --> 00:13:39,692
he said no running.
391
00:13:42,722 --> 00:13:43,947
I'm sick.
392
00:13:46,976 --> 00:13:48,568
Hey, Wanda!
393
00:13:48,644 --> 00:13:49,819
What's taking you so long?
394
00:13:49,896 --> 00:13:51,070
You forgot about me?
395
00:13:51,147 --> 00:13:52,580
I'm starving.
396
00:13:54,409 --> 00:13:55,825
Here you go,
Uncle Bernie.
397
00:13:55,902 --> 00:13:57,827
The food's on its way.
398
00:13:57,904 --> 00:13:59,078
What's this?
399
00:13:59,089 --> 00:14:00,246
Cranberry juice.
400
00:14:00,323 --> 00:14:02,290
It's an anti-inflammatory.
401
00:14:02,366 --> 00:14:05,334
You know, it helps soothe
arthritic joints?
402
00:14:05,411 --> 00:14:08,087
Oh, you just getting a kick
403
00:14:08,164 --> 00:14:09,472
out of this, ain't you?
404
00:14:09,549 --> 00:14:11,966
WANDA: I hope the patient
is hungry.
405
00:14:12,043 --> 00:14:13,634
Mm-hmm, I sure is.
406
00:14:13,711 --> 00:14:17,179
Honey, Vanessa helped me
make the fried chicken.
407
00:14:17,256 --> 00:14:18,481
She did?
WANDA: Mm-hmm.
408
00:14:18,558 --> 00:14:20,099
I know athletes aren't supposed
409
00:14:20,176 --> 00:14:21,183
to eat fried foods,
410
00:14:21,260 --> 00:14:23,644
but since you're laid up.
411
00:14:23,721 --> 00:14:26,063
Hey, would you like me
to fluff your pillow?
412
00:14:26,140 --> 00:14:27,815
Oh, no, no! Stop, stop!
413
00:14:27,892 --> 00:14:29,442
Baby, would you get
her out of here?!
414
00:14:29,518 --> 00:14:31,819
Get her out of here!
Honey, calm down.
415
00:14:31,896 --> 00:14:32,971
Uh, come on.
416
00:14:32,914 --> 00:14:34,196
Let's leave your uncle alone,
honey.
417
00:14:34,273 --> 00:14:35,865
He's a little cranky.
418
00:14:35,942 --> 00:14:37,199
Try to rest, honey.
419
00:14:37,276 --> 00:14:39,869
Okay. Thank you.
420
00:14:39,946 --> 00:14:41,880
Psst!
421
00:14:41,956 --> 00:14:43,623
Quitter!
422
00:14:43,633 --> 00:14:45,207
You hear that, Wanda?!
423
00:14:45,284 --> 00:14:47,376
Wanda, you know what she said?!
424
00:14:47,387 --> 00:14:49,128
You believe that girl, America?
425
00:14:49,205 --> 00:14:51,172
Calling me a quitter.
426
00:14:51,248 --> 00:14:52,673
How can a cripple be a quitter?
427
00:14:52,750 --> 00:14:54,893
I got more follow-through
than John McEnroe
428
00:14:54,969 --> 00:14:57,219
and Tiger Woods combined.
429
00:14:57,296 --> 00:14:59,013
I just can't move it right now,
430
00:14:59,090 --> 00:15:00,222
that's all.
431
00:15:00,299 --> 00:15:02,600
Ain't never quit nothing
in my life.
432
00:15:02,677 --> 00:15:03,893
CAROLLA: All right, people,
433
00:15:03,970 --> 00:15:06,145
are we ready to run
our ass off for peace?
434
00:15:06,222 --> 00:15:09,157
(all cheer)
435
00:15:09,233 --> 00:15:12,234
On your marks, get set.
436
00:15:12,311 --> 00:15:13,903
(gunshot)
437
00:15:13,914 --> 00:15:16,739
(upbeat music playing)
438
00:15:16,816 --> 00:15:18,866
Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam,
thank you so much, man.
439
00:15:18,943 --> 00:15:20,793
You really saved my ass.
I appreciate it.
440
00:15:20,870 --> 00:15:22,912
It's for a great cause.
How's Bernie?
441
00:15:22,923 --> 00:15:25,081
Uh, he's in a lot of pain,
you know, pull, spasms,
442
00:15:25,157 --> 00:15:28,042
but, uh, he's handling it
like a gladiator, so...
443
00:15:28,119 --> 00:15:29,293
Good, good, 'cause, uh,
444
00:15:29,370 --> 00:15:30,670
we got a little surprise
445
00:15:30,680 --> 00:15:32,004
I think's going
to cheer him up.
446
00:15:32,081 --> 00:15:32,931
You do?
447
00:15:33,007 --> 00:15:34,256
Yeah.
(chuckles)
448
00:15:34,333 --> 00:15:38,603
(phone ringing)
449
00:15:41,424 --> 00:15:42,982
Yo, this is Mac.
450
00:15:44,310 --> 00:15:45,944
Oh, hey, Charles.
451
00:15:47,471 --> 00:15:50,448
Yeah, I got your pound cake.
Hilarious.
452
00:15:52,351 --> 00:15:54,068
No, I'm not watching
Face The Race.
453
00:15:54,145 --> 00:15:55,945
No, I'm not watching.
454
00:15:56,022 --> 00:15:57,205
Hold on.
455
00:15:59,075 --> 00:16:00,324
(audience laughing on tv)
456
00:16:00,401 --> 00:16:03,661
Oh, now, that's very funny.
457
00:16:03,738 --> 00:16:06,080
Where's the other stooge, Adam?
458
00:16:06,157 --> 00:16:07,665
He's at your race
459
00:16:07,742 --> 00:16:09,250
taking your place.
460
00:16:09,326 --> 00:16:11,335
What the heck
he doing at my race?
461
00:16:11,412 --> 00:16:13,421
Bernie, you're too old to run,
462
00:16:13,497 --> 00:16:14,797
so I sent somebody
463
00:16:14,874 --> 00:16:17,842
in your place in your race.
464
00:16:17,918 --> 00:16:19,727
BERNIE: Shoot,
what you talking about? Adam?
465
00:16:19,804 --> 00:16:21,721
He look less fit than you do.
466
00:16:21,797 --> 00:16:23,180
Here's the thing, Bernie.
467
00:16:23,257 --> 00:16:25,224
I'm not running the race,
468
00:16:25,235 --> 00:16:26,651
she is.
469
00:16:27,603 --> 00:16:29,237
Hi, Uncle Bernie.
470
00:16:29,313 --> 00:16:30,855
Nessa?
471
00:16:30,931 --> 00:16:32,991
What the heck you doing
in my race?
472
00:16:33,067 --> 00:16:35,484
What does it look likeI'm doing?
473
00:16:35,561 --> 00:16:36,736
Look, don't sass me.
474
00:16:36,812 --> 00:16:38,487
And take that number off you.
475
00:16:38,498 --> 00:16:40,656
That's for only the people
who running the race.
476
00:16:40,733 --> 00:16:42,825
He doesn't thinkI can finish the race.
477
00:16:42,902 --> 00:16:44,452
Really? I don't know, Bernie.
478
00:16:44,528 --> 00:16:45,953
She looks pretty fit to me.
479
00:16:46,030 --> 00:16:48,006
BERNIE: Look,
where--where's Charles?
480
00:16:48,082 --> 00:16:49,999
Charles, you need to learn
481
00:16:50,076 --> 00:16:52,001
how to stay out
of people's private affairs.
482
00:16:52,078 --> 00:16:53,553
And Nessa, I thought
483
00:16:53,629 --> 00:16:55,629
me and you had this thing
settled already.
484
00:16:55,706 --> 00:16:58,007
You told me
you weren't going to run.
485
00:16:58,018 --> 00:16:59,267
(scoffs)
486
00:17:01,420 --> 00:17:04,263
Peace in the Middle East.
487
00:17:04,340 --> 00:17:07,191
(upbeat music playing)
488
00:17:10,805 --> 00:17:12,655
WANDA: Here you go, baby,
489
00:17:12,732 --> 00:17:16,108
let's soothe
those muscles.
490
00:17:16,185 --> 00:17:17,860
Okay?
491
00:17:17,937 --> 00:17:21,572
(cheering)
492
00:17:21,583 --> 00:17:24,533
(gasps) Ooh, honey,
that's Vanessa.
493
00:17:24,544 --> 00:17:27,295
Hey, kids!
Your sister's on TV!
494
00:17:27,371 --> 00:17:28,913
Oh, look at her.
495
00:17:28,989 --> 00:17:30,289
Ooh! Oh!
496
00:17:30,300 --> 00:17:31,540
(groaning)
497
00:17:31,551 --> 00:17:33,051
Oh-oh, come on.
498
00:17:34,453 --> 00:17:35,377
Come on, Jordan.
499
00:17:35,454 --> 00:17:36,679
Holy moly,
what's she doing?
500
00:17:36,756 --> 00:17:38,723
She's running my race.
501
00:17:42,261 --> 00:17:44,136
Your uncle's
on the phone.
502
00:17:44,213 --> 00:17:45,304
(groans)
503
00:17:45,315 --> 00:17:46,555
What?
504
00:17:46,566 --> 00:17:47,857
"What?"
505
00:17:47,934 --> 00:17:48,766
Yeah, Nessa,
506
00:17:48,843 --> 00:17:50,351
you think you clever, don't you?
507
00:17:50,361 --> 00:17:52,561
You think
you real clever.
508
00:17:52,638 --> 00:17:54,396
You think you hurt me, too,
don't you?
509
00:17:54,473 --> 00:17:55,314
What are you doing?
510
00:17:55,391 --> 00:17:57,191
I'm running a race!
511
00:17:57,268 --> 00:17:58,284
Leave me alone!
512
00:18:01,355 --> 00:18:02,446
Honey, just leave
her alone.
513
00:18:02,523 --> 00:18:04,248
At least this
is for charity.
514
00:18:06,652 --> 00:18:08,252
You sponsored her, didn't you?
515
00:18:09,488 --> 00:18:10,922
Crazy person.
516
00:18:15,670 --> 00:18:17,837
I'm standing hereat the halfway point
517
00:18:17,847 --> 00:18:20,422
and Bernie Mac's niecejust breezed by
518
00:18:20,499 --> 00:18:22,758
like she was ina Maxi Pad commercial.
519
00:18:22,835 --> 00:18:24,677
She's looking strong.
520
00:18:24,753 --> 00:18:26,720
Only five more kilometersto go.
521
00:18:26,731 --> 00:18:28,430
Back to you, Charles.
522
00:18:28,507 --> 00:18:30,733
Trust me, I know my niece.
523
00:18:30,810 --> 00:18:33,352
She may look like
she's doing pretty good,
524
00:18:33,363 --> 00:18:35,229
but she's running on hate fumes,
525
00:18:35,306 --> 00:18:38,825
and that's only going
to take her so far, trust me.
526
00:18:44,690 --> 00:18:46,040
BRYANA:
She's slowing down.
527
00:18:46,117 --> 00:18:47,959
JORDAN:
She's got nothing left.
528
00:18:58,037 --> 00:18:59,795
Hello?
529
00:18:59,872 --> 00:19:01,463
Hello, Barkley,
this is Mac.
530
00:19:01,540 --> 00:19:03,141
Let me speak to my niece,
please.
531
00:19:03,217 --> 00:19:04,967
She don't wantto talk to you!
532
00:19:05,044 --> 00:19:06,677
Did I ask you that?
You know,
533
00:19:06,754 --> 00:19:07,928
this is the kindof harassment
534
00:19:08,005 --> 00:19:09,221
athletes have to put up with
535
00:19:09,298 --> 00:19:10,514
all the time!
536
00:19:10,591 --> 00:19:12,183
Put her on the damn phone!
537
00:19:12,259 --> 00:19:14,059
Put her on the damn phone!
538
00:19:14,136 --> 00:19:15,311
Put her on!
539
00:19:15,387 --> 00:19:16,696
CAROLLA:
Vanessa,
540
00:19:16,772 --> 00:19:18,647
I got your uncle
on the line.
541
00:19:18,658 --> 00:19:19,899
(groans) What?!
542
00:19:19,909 --> 00:19:21,650
Hey, is this where you quit?
543
00:19:21,727 --> 00:19:24,036
Why can't you justleave me alone?
544
00:19:24,113 --> 00:19:25,413
Watch it!
545
00:19:25,489 --> 00:19:27,489
BERNIE: Oh, you going to let
an old lady pass you up?!
546
00:19:27,566 --> 00:19:28,782
Show you up like that?
547
00:19:28,859 --> 00:19:30,409
My side hurts!
548
00:19:30,420 --> 00:19:31,577
Well, guess what.
549
00:19:31,654 --> 00:19:33,746
It's a real soft,
comfy cushion
550
00:19:33,822 --> 00:19:36,415
sitting here
right next to me.
551
00:19:36,492 --> 00:19:38,176
I'd rather die.
552
00:19:43,415 --> 00:19:44,807
Why must you torture her?
553
00:19:44,884 --> 00:19:47,343
Because, baby,
she's three-quarters away.
554
00:19:47,419 --> 00:19:48,752
And you know what?
555
00:19:48,830 --> 00:19:51,597
Doggone it, I'm starting
to believe she can do it.
556
00:19:51,674 --> 00:19:53,557
Why don't you leave
her alone then?
557
00:19:53,634 --> 00:19:55,351
Leave her alone?
558
00:19:55,427 --> 00:19:58,487
I'm the only thing
keeping her going,
doggone it.
559
00:19:58,564 --> 00:20:00,865
Come on, Nessa,
you can do it.
560
00:20:01,576 --> 00:20:04,735
America, for once in her life,
561
00:20:04,812 --> 00:20:06,779
looks like the girl
isn't going to quit.
562
00:20:06,855 --> 00:20:08,197
And she's going
to finish that race
563
00:20:08,274 --> 00:20:10,699
and I'm going to be there
when she does.
564
00:20:10,710 --> 00:20:13,002
I don't care
how much pain I'm in.
565
00:20:13,079 --> 00:20:17,206
If she can hobble her way
to the finish line, so can I.
566
00:20:17,217 --> 00:20:20,134
(indistinct chatter)
567
00:20:26,300 --> 00:20:27,767
WANDA: (cheering)
568
00:20:29,103 --> 00:20:31,053
Hey, what are
you guys doing here?
569
00:20:31,130 --> 00:20:32,388
Your uncle thought
it'd be great
570
00:20:32,464 --> 00:20:34,139
if we come celebrate
your victory.
571
00:20:34,216 --> 00:20:36,976
Congratulations, girl.
We did it.
572
00:20:37,052 --> 00:20:37,884
We?
573
00:20:37,962 --> 00:20:39,144
All you did
was annoy me.
574
00:20:39,221 --> 00:20:41,480
Annoyed you right across
the finish line.
575
00:20:41,557 --> 00:20:42,739
(groans)
576
00:20:42,817 --> 00:20:45,859
Spite is an evil,
ugly thing, America,
577
00:20:45,936 --> 00:20:47,569
but when used correctly,
578
00:20:47,646 --> 00:20:50,030
it could be a wonderful
motivational tool.
579
00:20:50,107 --> 00:20:53,075
And if it takes a little spite
and anger towards me
580
00:20:53,152 --> 00:20:56,412
to inspire Vanessa
to finish what she starts,
581
00:20:56,488 --> 00:20:58,256
I say, "Bring it on."
582
00:20:58,332 --> 00:21:00,749
Today, a 10K.
583
00:21:00,760 --> 00:21:03,502
Tomorrow, SATs.
584
00:21:03,579 --> 00:21:05,888
See, parents, take note.
585
00:21:05,965 --> 00:21:08,090
Annoy the hell out your kids.
586
00:21:08,167 --> 00:21:10,801
You'll be surprised
what they can achieve.
587
00:21:10,878 --> 00:21:12,761
Oh, and Charles,
588
00:21:12,838 --> 00:21:14,897
thank you for your spite, too.
589
00:21:14,974 --> 00:21:16,265
Without your pettiness,
590
00:21:16,342 --> 00:21:18,776
none of this
could have happened.
591
00:21:23,640 --> 00:21:25,524
Jordan, what you doing
in my room?
592
00:21:25,601 --> 00:21:27,359
Can I have my stuff back?
593
00:21:27,436 --> 00:21:29,445
My rockets and my Moon base?
594
00:21:29,521 --> 00:21:32,072
I don't see what you have
against the space program.
595
00:21:32,149 --> 00:21:34,116
You think I'm stupid?
596
00:21:34,193 --> 00:21:36,085
That ain't no Moon base.
597
00:21:36,162 --> 00:21:38,203
You trying to make body parts.
598
00:21:38,280 --> 00:21:39,714
Body parts?
599
00:21:42,951 --> 00:21:44,543
It looks like a butt!
600
00:21:44,620 --> 00:21:46,554
Where's my clay?
I'm going to make some boobies!
601
00:21:56,265 --> 00:21:57,440
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