Original subtitles

Hi, honey.

Hey, baby.

Oh, hey, hey, hey.

Wait a minute.

This is a recipe for Thanksgiving.

Mm-hmm. I'm going to start cooking in a couple of days,

and I decided to get organized.

-Hmm. -And I'm going to get rid of these index cards

with stains all over them.

Wait a minute. Hold on, baby, baby.

These ain't no stains.

This here's backup, in case you run out of gravy.

See, you put it in the cup, run some hot water on it.

You suck 'em, till help arrives.

You don't do that...

Yeah, when you...

Hey, Vanessa. How was school?

Good. I got my English paper back.

Give me a pen, baby. I'll go on and sign it.

You can sign it, if you want.

Right below the "A"!

You see that, America?

Nessa brought home an "A"!

When she got here, the only thing I thought

she was going to bring home was another mouth to feed.

But I put her head in those books,

and I kept the pressure on.

And I turned that little lump of coal into a diamond.

Oh, look at that!

Flawless. Grade "A."

Sweet!

Now, that's nice.

Real nice.

Just in time, too, for parents/teachers conferences.

So, where the "A" parents park?

Please don't make jokes tomorrow.

(chuckling): Congrats!

Hey...

Hey, baby I worked hard for that "A."

(laughs)

Honey, don't you think she deserves some of the credit?

No, I don't.

Hey, Bryana. What you doing?

Making Thanksgiving turkeys.

Yeah, Thanksgiving's great. Till you turn six.

I'm six.

You are?!

What happens when you turn six?

Well, you're not a baby anymore.

You have to sit at the kids' table.

Boy, did I hate that.

You're all alone, with no one to talk to.

And you have to eat parts of the turkey no one wants.

Like the beak.

And the gizzards!

What's a gizzard?

The gizzard's the last part of the turkey

they pull out before the turkey dies.

And the beak goes...

(squawks)

MAN: I can't tell you how happy I am to meet the both of you.

Vanessa is a really special girl.

It's been great watching her flourish these last few months.

Yes, it's been great for us, too, Mr. Diggs.

And we were both excited when she brought home that "A."

Well, in my opinion, when the child gets an "A,"

the parents get an "A," too.

You hear that?

When a child gets an "A," parents gets an "A."

That's an interesting idea there, Mr. Diggs.

I heard him, honey.

You know, I'm really looking forward to her next paper.

It's a biographical essay.

See, every Thanksgiving, I have the students choose

the person they're most thankful for,

and then learn their personal history.

Bernie Mac!

Veteran of stage, screen and now term paper.

Where to begin?

America, so many memories.

So many humble achievements.

Such an interesting life.

It'd be good for her to really get to know her Uncle Bernie--

my hopes, my dreams.

And with such a fascinating subject,

I wouldn't be surprised if Nessa gets her first A-plus.

(chuckles)

With that, America, I am humbled.

Hey!

What you working on, Nessa?

My math homework.

Math. Now, you know what that reminds me of?

That reminds me of when I grew up on Morgan Street.

Here it is, right here.

Look.

That's me when I was five years old.

You can have it, if you'd like.

Thanks.

Why become a comedian?

Nessa, that's a good question.

Times were so hard back then, Nessa,

I used to use laughter to keep from crying.

Uncle Bernie?

Yeah?

Can you pass me that pen over there?

Uh... yeah.

(laughs)

You know, that reminds me of another story, girl.

Uncle Bernie said there is no kids' table.

Let me guess.

He probably even told you the kids' table's not in the basement.

The kids' table's in the basement?

I'll try to sneak you some white meat.

I can't promise gravy.

And the meat might be chewed, but I'll do my best.

(chuckles)

...and that lemon tree stands 12 feet tall today.

I really need to finish my homework.

Oh, sure, you do.

I don't want to keep you from getting another "A."

Hey, Nessa?

How about I make you Chicken à la Nessa tonight?

Oh, I don't eat chicken anymore.

What you talking about?

I'm a vegetarian.

Since when?

Well, I was asking Mr. Diggs about his childhood.

And he was telling me how he grew up on a farm

and how cruel it was to slaughter all those animals.

So, he's a vegetarian,

and I decided to be one, too.

Seems like you learned a whole lot about his personal history.

Yeah. It's been really fun.

I've never met anyone like him before.

Give me my picture back.

Cut this out and hurry with your homework.

(yells)

Hey, baby? Yeah, honey?

I think we got a real problem with that Mr. Diggs.

What are you talking about?

You loved him yesterday.

See what I mean? The man's tricky.

He turned Vanessa all into a vegetarian.

He didn't turn her into anything.

She made a decision.

She ain't old enough to make no doggone decision.

I'm telling you, baby, the man got too much influence on her.

What are we going to do?

Well, for starters, we're going to buy more salad.

Wanda, how-how you making jokes at a time like this?

The man's supposed to be teaching her English, not brainwashing her.

He already got her eating nothing but vegetables.

What's next? Voodoo?

Hmm!

Oh, my God.

What?

You're jealous.

What?!

Mm-hmm.

(scoffs)

Yeah. Oh!

Of a schoolteacher?!

You getting enough air, woman?

You're jealous because there's another man in her life.

Honey, you're turning into a real father.

You save that nonsense for your book club.

Jealous?

(scoffing)

Okay. But I think it's cute.

First of all, let me tell you one thing.

A monkey's cute, okay?

I'm a lot of things, but jealous ain't one of them.

Concerned.

Oh... Huh!

I'm concerned.

Doggone it, Wanda, Nessa's a Mac.

And Macs eat meat.

And we always have, and we always will.

Okay, okay.

Okay, come here.

Come here.

Have a seat right here.

Honey, this is harmless.

Hear me.

I think what she needs is our support.

Now, you know that girl.

When you bully her, she just digs in her heels.

There's that word again, America-- "digs."

Now, listen up.

See, there's nothing wrong with brainwashing.

Before Nessa came to me, her mother was messed up.

Barely ever at home.

I mean, that child missed 87 days of school.

I washed her brain of bad habits--

turned her into an "A" student-- me!

Got her mind working all right.

Now that man threatens to undo all my hard work?

You know, the brain fades if you wash it too much.

Everybody knows that, America.

Everybody knows.

Everybody.

So, now you're a vegetarian, you're eating garbage now?

No, I'm composting.

Making fertilizer out of trash.

Mr. Diggs says that if every household had a compost heap,

we'd reduce the need for landfills by 20%.

Landfills? What the hell's wrong with landfills?

That's where they build parks.

Uh, Vanessa?

I found this jacket

in the shopping bag next to the front door.

Yeah. I wanted to return it.

Baby, what the hell you want to return the jacket for?

It fits real nice.

It also fit the cow.

Aw, let me... let me, let me guess.

That's Mr. Diggs' line, right?

Well, let me tell you something.

Mr. Diggs is real funny, Nessa, but so am I.

And my funny paid for this jacket.

Look, you can always return it for a store credit.

What the hell I'm going to do with a store credit at Teen Two, huh?

So, how much bacon do you want on your salad, Vanessa?

I don't eat bacon.

Oh, so I guess

I'll just have to rub it around the bowl.

(chuckles)

Fine. I won't eat it.

BERNIE: Hey, hey, hey!

I know you're not throwing your salad away, Nessa.

No, I composted it.

A little meat juice ain't gonna hurt you.

Why do you care what I eat?

I care because you're a Mac.

And Macs eat meat.

Not this one.

Oh, you got it all figured out, huh, baby?

What about Thanksgiving?

Everything on the table going to have meat in it.

The stuffing's going to have meat in it.

The sweet potatoes?

This year, I'm thinking about meat potatoes.

I'm putting meat in the water!

Meat!

The kids' table.

Hey, Bryana.

Thought I might find you down here.

Aunt Wanda wanted me to give you this.

It's for beating away the rats.

Rats?!

Oh, yeah, this is around the time

when all their eggs hatch.

Look, there's one now!

(shouting)

(screams)

(screaming)

(chuckles fiendishly)

(knocking)

Coming.

Oh, Mr. Diggs.

Hi. I-I'm sorry to bother you at home.

Is this an okay time?

Uh...

(screams)

Uh... as good as any.

Please, come in.

(chuckles)

She asked to spend Thanksgiving with your family?

Well, she said that since we're vegetarians,

she thought she'd be more comfortable with us.

Hmm. I'm not surprised.

So, what did she say when you told her no?

Actually, I haven't told her no.

Hmm.

That's a shame you came all the way over here in that electric car.

I know you used up a lot of batteries.

Look, I don't want to cause any problems.

That's why I wanted to speak with you

before I gave Vanessa an answer.

To make sure we're on the same page

as to how we want to handle this.

We?

He'd better be French.

"We" is me and Wanda.

"We" sometime include those kids

if they've been good.

"We" doesn't include no stiff-walking, four-eyed gump.

I just want to be able

to help you in any way I can.

As a matter of fact, I'd like to make an offer.

I hope you don't think this is too presumptuous,

but I'd like to invite your whole family to join us.

Hell, no!

But I'm sick of this guy, being all in Vanessa's head.

See, she's impressionable.

She's a little girl.

She thinks she can save the planet

by keeping trash on the counter.

Let 'em try that stuff on me.

That's right. Let's see how good Mr. Diggs' ideas sound

when he go toe-to-toe with the Mac man, yeah.

We'd love to.

We would.

You swear you didn't make him do this?

I'm telling you, it was his idea.

I don't believe you.

Honey... Hmm?

You're doing a good thing today.

And obviously I was way off base

by calling you jealous.

You cut me real deep, Wanda.

But I'm willing to forgive you.

Easy to forgive me when I cooked a whole Thanksgiving dinner

that's waiting for you when you get back home.

Easier.

Where's Jordan?

He's in the back.

Honey, that's your golf bag.

Jordan, you better be having a seizure.

Hey, hey, hey, what the heck do you think you're doing?

I thought I'd start with the sausage stuffing.

Go get your nailed butt up in that car, man.

We're going to support your sister.

But that's not fair.

Just because I'm an asthmatic,

doesn't mean she has to quit gymnastics.

I'm not having a vegetarian Thanksgiving.

What?

What you do...?

Aw, boy, that's foul.

At least get a freezer bag.

(chuckles)

And a wing.

Don't you think we'll get in trouble?

Let me tell you something--

what happens in the kitchen,

stays in the kitchen, you get me?

Except that drumstick, it's going with us.

Stock it up.

Stuffing? Yeah.

Make sure you got some meat, some chunks.

I like thick meat.

Put a little of all of this there.

Get some Rolaids out of there, man.

Hurry up!

Okay, I'm hurrying.

And... and what are these?

Those are bean balls.

Looks just like food.

Oh, by the way, Mr. Diggs, I rented that movie

To Kill a Mockingbird, and you were right.

It's amazing.

That is one of my favorites.

I'm surprised you have time to even watch a movie.

Seems like you always got your nose in my CDs.

See, music, that's our thing.

I turned her on to Ike and Tina Turner,

Otis, Smokey Robinson, Aretha Franklin.

Didn't I?

I love that. You know what

my real passion is?

No.

Jazz.

Oh, and you know that CD you burned for me?

I can't stop listening to it.

I even brush my teeth to jazz.

I've been doing that for years.

"I brush my teeth to jazz."

Do they sound as stupid to you as they do to me?

Makes me sick.

Well, maybe it's just the stinky food.

I'm going to tell you right now,

I'm not touching it.

"I brush my..."

Okay, nothing says Thanksgiving like nut loaf.

Peanuts and gravy.

And raisins.

Thought that was a pebble.

Jordan, come over here.

Give your uncle some sugar.

I love you, Uncle Bernie.

Oh, isn't that sweet?

I love this boy so much,

I could just eat him.

I'm done.

Go on, go on.

I saw that.

I don't know what you're talking about.

That's meat, isn't it?

You're crazy.

(whispers) Is it as good as everyone says?

You've never had meat?

First taste is free.

Small piece, small piece.

Take a place like Palm Springs.

It's a desert with over a hundred golf courses.

Do you have any idea how much water and chemical fertilizer

is needed to sustain all that?

And how much of the natural flora and fauna

are displaced, just so a bunch of privileged men

can chase around a ball for an afternoon?

And it's really boring, too.

(snoring)

What? Still talking?

I got to liven things up.

(snoring)

How much do you bench press, Mr. Diggs?

(laughing)

WANDA: So, what do you have planned

for the long weekend?

Anything exciting?

Well, unfortunately, I've got to work.

I've got about

50 Thanksgiving essays to grade back there in my office.

Don't take that the wrong way.

I'm looking forward to reading your paper.

Of course he's looking forward to reading hers.

It's all about him.

Thank you for telling me about the evils of meat.

Thank you for being my favorite teacher.

Thank you for taking me and putting a roof over my head.

No, who... wait, wait, who was that?

Oh, that's me.

Oh, thank you for taking me to gymnastics practice

at 5:00 a.m.

Who was that?

Yeah, me again.

Thank you... oh, you get the point, America.

Now it's time that Nessa gets the point.

Is that chair leather?

Yes, it is.

I thought you were against leather.

Yes, I am, but that was my grandfather's chair,

and I just can't seem to bring myself to part with it.

He loved his grandfather

so much.

Oh, that's so nice.

(half-whispers): Did you just kick me.

I think Nessa's point is, what about the cow?

I bet he loved his grandfather, too.

Pow! Aw, you feel that, Diggs?

Leather boxing gloves in your face.

Can't come between me and Nessa.

Maybe you can hold some cold nut loaf over your eyes.

Pow-pow-pow-pow.

(grunting)

Oh! Sweet.

Sweet. Sweet.

That's a very good point.

I guess all I can do is quote Walt Whitman,

"Do I contradict myself?

"Very well, then, I contradict myself."

"I am large."

BOTH: "I contain multitudes."

(chuckling)

What the hell was that?!

America, I just knocked him out.

You saw it. The man is punch drunk.

He's talking crazy-- "I contain multitudes..."

This is a multitude of bull!

I got to go.

I can't take it no more. I'm sorry.

Some bull!

No disrespect, gonna get me some air.

And I'll take your high-tops.

Deal.

We call this sausage stuffing.

Listen to this, America.

I'm gonna read you something.

"...and I told my baby sister

to go to bed and close her eyes.

Everything was going to be okay.

And then I closed mine,

and wished there was someone there to tell me the same.

I was so angry at my mother,

and I thought it would break my heart.

But for all that she is, and all that she can never be,

I still love her.

And I'm thankful to her, for having the courage

to let me go."

She's right, America.

It does take courage... to let someone go.

BERNIE: Nessa, can I talk to you for a minute?

(sighs)

Look, maybe I shouldn't have talked like I did.

But I don't know the man.

He... put this and that in your head,

and I got suspicious.

And that's what you do when you care about somebody.

One thing I guess I need to learn is... how to trust you.

You ain't no little girl no more.

And I don't need you smirking.

You ain't no woman, either.

I guess what I'm trying to really say is...

I'm sorry.

That's it. That's all I got.

Thanks.

And if you'd like, I'll make you some of that nut food, too.

Can we have tofurkey instead?

'Cause that nut loaf-- it's pretty hard-core.

I know you're a Mac.

(boy retches)

Those stinking.

Come on.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

(gagging)

That looks like meat!

It's called stuffing.

(retches) Oh!

Where did you...?

Dirty...

Don't look at me!

I'm holding it for somebody!

(choking)

Uh, look, the smell's making my nephew sick.

He's got asthma. (wheezing)

Come on. I got to get him out of here.

Come on, come on. I'm so sorry, man.

It's been great, man.

Thank you. Next year, you'll be at my house, okay?

(Jordan screams)

Hey, you seen my keys? You got his medicine?

No! Where's his medicine?

Man, where's his medicine at?

Did you have a jacket?

Get your... get your jacket!

-(wheezing) -(stammering)

-I don't know. -Quit wheezing, boy...

And it says right here: "For he..."

They're talking about you.

"...cometh..."

Wherever you is... you can manifest as one.

Doesn't mean if it's five of y'all.

If y'all think in the same mode, you can be as one.

Turn to Ezekial 7:7.

(crew laughing)

Captioned by VISUAL DATA