All language subtitles for The.Bernie.Mac.Show.S03E22.Thanksgiving.1080p.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-squalor_track3_[eng]

Hi, honey.

Hey, baby.

Oh, hey, hey, hey.

Wait a minute.

This is a recipe
for Thanksgiving.

Mm-hmm. I'm going to start
cooking in a couple of days,

and I decided
to get organized.

-Hmm.
-And I'm going to get rid
of these index cards

with stains all over them.

Wait a minute.
Hold on, baby, baby.

These ain't no stains.

This here's backup,
in case you run out of gravy.

See, you put it in the cup,
run some hot water on it.

You suck 'em,
till help arrives.

You don't do that...

Yeah, when you...

Hey, Vanessa.
How was school?

Good. I got
my English paper back.

Give me a pen, baby.
I'll go on and sign it.

You can sign it, if you want.

Right below the "A"!

You see that, America?

Nessa brought home an "A"!

When she got here,
the only thing I thought

she was going to bring home
was another mouth to feed.

But I put her head
in those books,

and I kept the pressure on.

And I turned that little lump
of coal into a diamond.

Oh, look at that!

Flawless.
Grade "A."

Sweet!

Now, that's nice.

Real nice.

Just in time, too, for
parents/teachers conferences.

So, where the
"A" parents park?

Please don't make jokes
tomorrow.

(chuckling):
Congrats!

Hey...

Hey, baby I worked hard
for that "A."

(laughs)

Honey, don't you think she
deserves some of the credit?

No, I don't.

Hey, Bryana.
What you doing?

Making Thanksgiving turkeys.

Yeah, Thanksgiving's great.
Till you turn six.

I'm six.

You are?!

What happens when you turn six?

Well, you're not
a baby anymore.

You have to sit
at the kids' table.

Boy, did I hate that.

You're all alone,
with no one to talk to.

And you have to eat parts
of the turkey no one wants.

Like the beak.

And the gizzards!

What's a gizzard?

The gizzard's
the last part of the turkey

they pull out
before the turkey dies.

And the beak goes...

(squawks)

MAN:
I can't tell you how happy I am
to meet the both of you.

Vanessa is
a really special girl.

It's been great watching her
flourish these last few months.

Yes, it's been great
for us, too, Mr. Diggs.

And we were both
excited when she
brought home that "A."

Well, in my opinion,
when the child gets an "A,"

the parents get an "A," too.

You hear that?

When a child gets an "A,"
parents gets an "A."

That's an interesting idea
there, Mr. Diggs.

I heard him, honey.

You know, I'm really looking
forward to her next paper.

It's a biographical essay.

See, every Thanksgiving,
I have the students choose

the person
they're most thankful for,

and then learn
their personal history.

Bernie Mac!

Veteran of stage, screen
and now term paper.

Where to begin?

America, so many memories.

So many humble achievements.

Such an interesting life.

It'd be good for her to really
get to know her Uncle Bernie--

my hopes, my dreams.

And with
such a fascinating subject,

I wouldn't be surprised if Nessa
gets her first A-plus.

(chuckles)

With that, America,
I am humbled.

Hey!

What you working on, Nessa?

My math homework.

Math. Now, you know
what that reminds me of?

That reminds me
of when I grew up
on Morgan Street.

Here it is, right here.

Look.

That's me when I
was five years old.

You can have it, if you'd like.

Thanks.

Why become a comedian?

Nessa, that's a good question.

Times were so hard
back then, Nessa,

I used to use laughter
to keep from crying.

Uncle Bernie?

Yeah?

Can you pass me
that pen over there?

Uh... yeah.

(laughs)

You know, that reminds me
of another story, girl.

Uncle Bernie said
there is no kids' table.

Let me guess.

He probably even told you
the kids' table's
not in the basement.

The kids' table's
in the basement?

I'll try to sneak you
some white meat.

I can't promise gravy.

And the meat might be chewed,
but I'll do my best.

(chuckles)

...and that lemon tree stands
12 feet tall today.

I really need to finish
my homework.

Oh, sure, you do.

I don't want to keep you
from getting another "A."

Hey, Nessa?

How about I make you
Chicken à la Nessa tonight?

Oh, I don't eat chicken anymore.

What you talking about?

I'm a vegetarian.

Since when?

Well, I was asking Mr. Diggs
about his childhood.

And he was telling me
how he grew up on a farm

and how cruel it was
to slaughter all those animals.

So, he's a
vegetarian,

and I decided to be one, too.

Seems like you learned a whole
lot about his personal history.

Yeah. It's been really fun.

I've never met anyone
like him before.

Give me my picture back.

Cut this out and hurry
with your homework.

(yells)

Hey, baby?
Yeah, honey?

I think we got a real problem
with that Mr. Diggs.

What are you talking about?

You loved him yesterday.

See what I mean?
The man's tricky.

He turned Vanessa
all into a vegetarian.

He didn't turn her
into anything.

She made a decision.

She ain't old enough to
make no doggone decision.

I'm telling you, baby,
the man got too much
influence on her.

What are we going to do?

Well, for starters,
we're going to buy more salad.

Wanda, how-how you making
jokes at a time like this?

The man's supposed to
be teaching her English,
not brainwashing her.

He already got her
eating nothing
but vegetables.

What's next? Voodoo?

Hmm!

Oh, my God.

What?

You're jealous.

What?!

Mm-hmm.

(scoffs)

Yeah. Oh!

Of a schoolteacher?!

You getting
enough air, woman?

You're jealous because there's
another man in her life.

Honey, you're turning into
a real father.

You save that nonsense
for your book club.

Jealous?

(scoffing)

Okay.
But I think it's cute.

First of all, let
me tell you one thing.

A monkey's cute, okay?

I'm a lot of things, but
jealous ain't one of them.

Concerned.

Oh...
Huh!

I'm concerned.

Doggone it, Wanda,
Nessa's a Mac.

And Macs eat meat.

And we always have,
and we always will.

Okay, okay.

Okay, come here.

Come here.

Have a seat right here.

Honey, this is harmless.

Hear me.

I think what she needs
is our support.

Now, you know that girl.

When you bully her,
she just digs in her heels.

There's that word again,
America-- "digs."

Now, listen up.

See, there's nothing wrong
with brainwashing.

Before Nessa came to me,
her mother was messed up.

Barely ever at home.

I mean, that child missed
87 days of school.

I washed her brain
of bad habits--

turned her
into an "A" student-- me!

Got her mind working all right.

Now that man threatens to undo
all my hard work?

You know, the brain fades
if you wash it too much.

Everybody knows that, America.

Everybody knows.

Everybody.

So, now you're a
vegetarian, you're
eating garbage now?

No, I'm composting.

Making fertilizer
out of trash.

Mr. Diggs says that if every
household had a compost heap,

we'd reduce the need
for landfills by 20%.

Landfills? What the hell's
wrong with landfills?

That's where
they build parks.

Uh, Vanessa?

I found this jacket

in the shopping bag
next to the front door.

Yeah. I wanted to return it.

Baby, what the hell you want
to return the jacket for?

It fits real nice.

It also fit the cow.

Aw, let me...
let me, let me guess.

That's Mr. Diggs' line, right?

Well, let me tell
you something.

Mr. Diggs is real funny, Nessa,
but so am I.

And my funny paid
for this jacket.

Look, you can always return it
for a store credit.

What the hell I'm going to do
with a store credit
at Teen Two, huh?

So, how much bacon do you want
on your salad, Vanessa?

I don't eat bacon.

Oh, so I guess

I'll just have to rub it
around the bowl.

(chuckles)

Fine. I won't eat it.

BERNIE:
Hey, hey, hey!

I know you're not throwing
your salad away, Nessa.

No, I composted it.

A little meat juice
ain't gonna hurt you.

Why do you care what I eat?

I care because you're a Mac.

And Macs eat meat.

Not this one.

Oh, you got it all figured out,
huh, baby?

What about Thanksgiving?

Everything on the table
going to have meat in it.

The stuffing's going to have
meat in it.

The sweet potatoes?

This year, I'm thinking
about meat potatoes.

I'm putting meat in the water!

Meat!

The kids' table.

Hey, Bryana.

Thought I might
find you down here.

Aunt Wanda wanted me
to give you this.

It's for beating
away the rats.

Rats?!

Oh, yeah, this is
around the time

when all their
eggs hatch.

Look, there's one now!

(shouting)

(screams)

(screaming)

(chuckles fiendishly)

(knocking)

Coming.

Oh, Mr. Diggs.

Hi. I-I'm sorry to
bother you at home.

Is this an okay time?

Uh...

(screams)

Uh... as good as any.

Please, come in.

(chuckles)

She asked to spend Thanksgiving
with your family?

Well, she said that
since we're vegetarians,

she thought she'd be
more comfortable with us.

Hmm. I'm not surprised.

So, what did she say
when you told her no?

Actually,
I haven't told her no.

Hmm.

That's a shame you came
all the way over here
in that electric car.

I know you used up
a lot of batteries.

Look, I don't want
to cause any problems.

That's why I wanted
to speak with you

before I gave Vanessa
an answer.

To make sure
we're on the same page

as to how we want
to handle this.

We?

He'd better be French.

"We" is me and Wanda.

"We" sometime include
those kids

if they've been good.

"We" doesn't include no
stiff-walking, four-eyed gump.

I just want to be able

to help you
in any way I can.

As a matter of fact,
I'd like to make an offer.

I hope you don't think
this is too presumptuous,

but I'd like to invite
your whole family to join us.

Hell, no!

But I'm sick of this guy,
being all in Vanessa's head.

See, she's impressionable.

She's a little girl.

She thinks she can save
the planet

by keeping trash on the counter.

Let 'em try that stuff on me.

That's right. Let's see how good
Mr. Diggs' ideas sound

when he go toe-to-toe
with the Mac man, yeah.

We'd love to.

We would.

You swear you didn't
make him do this?

I'm telling you,
it was his idea.

I don't believe you.

Honey...
Hmm?

You're doing
a good thing today.

And obviously
I was way off base

by calling you jealous.

You cut me real deep, Wanda.

But I'm willing
to forgive you.

Easy to forgive me when I cooked
a whole Thanksgiving dinner

that's waiting for you
when you get back home.

Easier.

Where's Jordan?

He's in the back.

Honey, that's your
golf bag.

Jordan, you better
be having a seizure.

Hey, hey, hey, what the heck
do you think you're doing?

I thought I'd start
with the sausage stuffing.

Go get your nailed butt
up in that car, man.

We're going to support
your sister.

But that's not fair.

Just because I'm an asthmatic,

doesn't mean she has to quit
gymnastics.

I'm not having
a vegetarian Thanksgiving.

What?

What you do...?

Aw, boy, that's foul.

At least get
a freezer bag.

(chuckles)

And a wing.

Don't you think
we'll get in trouble?

Let me tell you something--

what happens in the kitchen,

stays in the kitchen,
you get me?

Except that drumstick,
it's going with us.

Stock it up.

Stuffing?
Yeah.

Make sure you got some
meat, some chunks.

I like thick meat.

Put a little of all
of this there.

Get some Rolaids
out of there, man.

Hurry up!

Okay, I'm hurrying.

And... and what are these?

Those are bean balls.

Looks just like food.

Oh, by the way, Mr. Diggs,
I rented that movie

To Kill a Mockingbird,
and you were right.

It's amazing.

That is one of my favorites.

I'm surprised you have
time to even watch a movie.

Seems like you always
got your nose in my CDs.

See, music, that's our thing.

I turned her on
to Ike and Tina Turner,

Otis, Smokey Robinson,
Aretha Franklin.

Didn't I?

I love that. You know what

my real passion is?

No.

Jazz.

Oh, and you know that
CD you burned for me?

I can't stop listening
to it.

I even brush
my teeth to jazz.

I've been doing that for years.

"I brush my teeth to jazz."

Do they sound as stupid
to you as they do to me?

Makes me sick.

Well, maybe it's just
the stinky food.

I'm going to tell you
right now,

I'm not touching it.

"I brush my..."

Okay, nothing says
Thanksgiving like nut loaf.

Peanuts and gravy.

And raisins.

Thought that was a pebble.

Jordan,
come over here.

Give your uncle
some sugar.

I love you,
Uncle Bernie.

Oh, isn't
that sweet?

I love this boy
so much,

I could just eat him.

I'm done.

Go on, go on.

I saw that.

I don't know what
you're talking about.

That's meat, isn't it?

You're crazy.

(whispers)
Is it as good
as everyone says?

You've never had meat?

First taste is free.

Small piece,
small piece.

Take a place like Palm Springs.

It's a desert with over
a hundred golf courses.

Do you have any idea how much
water and chemical fertilizer

is needed
to sustain
all that?

And how much
of the natural
flora and fauna

are displaced, just so a bunch
of privileged men

can chase around
a ball for an afternoon?

And it's really boring, too.

(snoring)

What? Still talking?

I got to liven things up.

(snoring)

How much do you
bench press, Mr. Diggs?

(laughing)

WANDA:
So, what do you
have planned

for the long weekend?

Anything exciting?

Well, unfortunately,
I've got to work.

I've got about

50 Thanksgiving essays to grade
back there in my office.

Don't take that
the wrong way.

I'm looking forward
to reading your paper.

Of course he's looking forward
to reading hers.

It's all about him.

Thank you for telling me
about the evils of meat.

Thank you for being
my favorite teacher.

Thank you for taking me
and putting a roof over my head.

No, who... wait, wait,
who was that?

Oh, that's me.

Oh, thank you for taking me
to gymnastics practice

at 5:00 a.m.

Who was that?

Yeah, me again.

Thank you... oh, you get
the point, America.

Now it's time that Nessa
gets the point.

Is that chair leather?

Yes, it is.

I thought you were
against leather.

Yes, I am, but that was
my grandfather's chair,

and I just can't
seem to bring myself
to part with it.

He loved his grandfather

so much.

Oh, that's so nice.

(half-whispers):
Did you just kick me.

I think Nessa's point is,
what about the cow?

I bet he loved
his grandfather, too.

Pow! Aw, you feel that, Diggs?

Leather boxing gloves
in your face.

Can't come between me and Nessa.

Maybe you can hold some
cold nut loaf over your eyes.

Pow-pow-pow-pow.

(grunting)

Oh! Sweet.

Sweet. Sweet.

That's a very good point.

I guess all I can do
is quote Walt Whitman,

"Do I contradict myself?

"Very well, then,
I contradict myself."

"I am large."

BOTH:
"I contain multitudes."

(chuckling)

What the hell was that?!

America, I just knocked him out.

You saw it.
The man is punch drunk.

He's talking crazy--
"I contain multitudes..."

This is a multitude of bull!

I got to go.

I can't take it no more.
I'm sorry.

Some bull!

No disrespect,
gonna get me some air.

And I'll take
your high-tops.

Deal.

We call this
sausage stuffing.

Listen to this, America.

I'm gonna read you something.

"...and I told my baby sister

to go to bed
and close her eyes.

Everything was
going to be okay.

And then I closed mine,

and wished there was someone
there to tell me the same.

I was so angry at my mother,

and I thought
it would break my heart.

But for all that she is,
and all that she can never be,

I still love her.

And I'm thankful to her,
for having the courage

to let me go."

She's right, America.

It does take courage...
to let someone go.

BERNIE:
Nessa, can I talk to you
for a minute?

(sighs)

Look, maybe I shouldn't
have talked like I did.

But I don't know the man.

He... put this and
that in your head,

and I got suspicious.

And that's what
you do when you
care about somebody.

One thing I guess I
need to learn is...
how to trust you.

You ain't no little
girl no more.

And I don't need
you smirking.

You ain't no
woman, either.

I guess what I'm trying
to really say is...

I'm sorry.

That's it.
That's all I got.

Thanks.

And if you'd like,
I'll make you some of
that nut food, too.

Can we have
tofurkey instead?

'Cause that nut loaf--
it's pretty hard-core.

I know you're a Mac.

(boy retches)

Those stinking.

Come on.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

(gagging)

That looks like meat!

It's called stuffing.

(retches)
Oh!

Where did you...?

Dirty...

Don't look at me!

I'm holding it for somebody!

(choking)

Uh, look, the smell's
making my nephew sick.

He's got asthma.
(wheezing)

Come on. I got to get
him out of here.

Come on, come on.
I'm so sorry, man.

It's been great, man.

Thank you. Next year,
you'll be at my house, okay?

(Jordan screams)

Hey, you seen my keys?
You got his medicine?

No!
Where's his
medicine?

Man, where's
his medicine at?

Did you have
a jacket?

Get your...
get your jacket!

-(wheezing)
-(stammering)

-I don't know.
-Quit wheezing, boy...

And it says right here:
"For he..."

They're talking about you.

"...cometh..."

Wherever you is...
you can manifest as one.

Doesn't mean
if it's five of y'all.

If y'all think in the same mode,
you can be as one.

Turn to Ezekial 7:7.

(crew laughing)

Captioned by VISUAL DATA