Original subtitles

♪♪

Hey, hey, hey. Don't touch my paper, boy.

I just want to see if there's anything

interesting happening in the world.

Interesting?

It says right here,

young boy out of Los Angeles

about to lose his hand for touching his uncle's paper.

Anything interesting in there?

Boris Yelstin's back in the news.

Would you look at this?

Panties and bras.

Doggone it, Jordan, that's all you've been doing.

I don't know what's wrong with you.

All you do is watch women

in their panties and bras. Freak!

Look at that.

Used to be bugs, rocks and magic.

Now it's bugs, rocks, magic and girls.

Oh, sure, Jordan has had little crushes before,

but what used to be cute is becoming a situation.

The boy's like a raging hormone.

Now, I don't want him thinking about sex yet, America,

because once you start, you know how it goes.

You never stop.

And he ain't ready for that.

And truth be told, America, neither am I.

Huh! Bra and panty ads.

At least the boy's resourceful.

Huh! She got on...

(grunting) (moaning)

Oh! Cool. Awesome!

What you doing, Jordan?

Well, since I can't read...

What you mean, "since you can't read"?

What's "Girls In Bikinis"?

It's beach volleyball,

and the winners jump up and down.

Now, wait a minute.

That girl just missed a point, man.

She's still jumping.

She's hopping mad.

(video game girl moaning)

What happened with that game with the machete?

The dismemberment game.

You told me it was too violent.

I want you to start playing it.

Play it.

Hey, baby, did you buy this boy

this bikini video stuff?

He in there...

Uh, hey, hey, Cheryl.

How you doing?

Hey, Bernie.

Oh, funniest thing happened.

I went to the video store the other day,

and I saw you on the cover of the Pootie Tang box.

I mean, I was telling everybody in the store,

"Hey, I know that guy."

That is funny because that wasn't me.

Yeah, no, no, I'm pretty sure that was you.

I'm not going to argue.

Look... Hey, honey.

Cheryl has good news.

She's opening up her own Pilates studio.

Mm-hmm.

Now Cheryl, I think that's great.

I love what you do with my wife's body.

Okay, here's the literature.

Oh, thank you.

Vanessa was just alerting us

to the plight of the sea turtle.

Nessa, I told you,

quite bothering people with that bull, man.

That thing won't give a flip to save your butt.

Mr. Hanson says they're going to be endangered.

It's better than being extinct.

Oh, come on, Bernie.

We're always on our kids about not being

involved, and then, when they are,

we don't support them.

Here, Vanessa.

I... support you.

Well, who supported...

Honey, there's a nice little surprise

I got for you in the refrigerator.

In the refrigerator?

Yeah, right there in the little, um, the bin.

(grunts)

The woman's annoying.

Talking about I don't support the kid.

The kids were next to living in a cardboard box.

Thanks to me, the boy got normal bone density again.

Oh, come on, that's not what she meant.

Besides, it's not like I don't find

any of your friends annoying.

Who of my friends of you find annoying

besides Jerry Best when he drinks?

Uh... how about W.B.?

I mean, I love him, but he's always here.

And he calls me "Wah-wah."

Oh, baby, "Wah-wah"--

that's a term of endearment.

So don't trip, baby.

Hey, what are you doing with my fashion magazines?

Last thing I need is these books hanging around

so that boy can get to them.

They're fashion magazines.

Come now, Wanda, come on.

Okay, well, if you are that concerned about Jordan,

then, sweetheart, maybe you should give him the talk.

I ain't talking about nothing.

Well, honey, obviously he's grown curious about women,

which is perfectly natural.

I'm quite sure he's got some questions.

I ain't answering no questions.

That's the problem right now--

13-year-old mamas,

14-year-old daddies,

growing up too doggone fast.

I ain't having that up in this house.

I'm not going to have it.

Last thing I need, that boy walking around here with some knowledge.

Plus, talk is cheap. I'm about action.

Now, help me lift this doggone bed up

so I can hide these magazines underneath there.

Come on, now.

(moans)

Chillax.

Look at you.

Sit down right here.

Yeah, you're...

You know, this thing got you all tense and tight.

Yeah, it do.

Look, you got a knot back here the size of a peach pit.

You feel it?

JORDAN: Uncle Bernie?

Ooh, it just got bigger.

Go on now, Jordan, I'm busy.

(Jordan laughs)

You guys are doing it!

Son, just because you think you know

about certain things,

don't mean you can go around doing them.

You're too young.

You are definitely too doggone young.

You ain't ready for that type of responsibility.

What are you talking about?

You know what I'm talking about.

You said that me and your aunt

was getting ready to do it,

and, Jordan, I want to know what you meant by that.

Is this some kind of trick,

'cause I can go get the belt right now.

Son, this ain't no trick.

I'm telling you, you got a free pass.

Now tell me what you think you know.

Okay.

First, the man and the woman

have dinner, right?

But not at a fast food restaurant--

you know, a fancy one-- with tablecloths

and a waiter with a towel on his arm.

BERNIE: Four star.

So, then, the man orders some wine

and tells the lady how pretty she looks.

She giggles and feels his muscles.

That's called "foreplay."

Oh, Lord.

So then, they go back to his place,

they listen to some smooth music.

You know, the kind you listen to

when you think we're asleep.

What you talking about? Coltrane cool, boy.

Now he dims the lights,

and this is where things get interesting.

The lady lays on the bed

and the man hops on top of her.

And they roll back and forth, kissing.

And, while this is going on,

the lady lets the man see her boobies.

And then their eyes roll into the back of their head,

then they smoke a cigarette.

Then they get married, and that's doing it.

Well, I put that to bed, Hef.

Well, speaking of "bed", Bernie,

that's not really how you have sex.

I know that.

But it's still great.

See, Jordan may have some moves down,

but he don't know everything about the ins and out,

if you know what I'm saying.

That's great.

And you're okay with that?

You're doggone right I'm okay.

His ignorance is my bliss.

Sexual repression

can lead to all sorts of hang-ups, Bernie.

Performance anxiety, nervous tics...

From the looks of your nephew,

it's going to be an uphill battle as it is.

Man, that's cold, Hef.

I never thought you'd say something like that.

The boy's only 11 years old.

How you want him to be? Another you?

It's been a good life.

You're supposed to be backing me with that.

What's up with this?

All I know there's a little boy moping around here

because all his friends are at a party,

that you won't let him got to.

I'm teaching him to be an individual.

No. You're controlling him.

You're damn right.

I control all three of them.

As long as they live under this roof,

they live according to the gospel of Bernie Mac.

You know, the preacher kids are always the wildest ones.

Damn.

She ain't lying.

America, Tamryn Johnson,

the right Reverend Johnson's daughter,

gave me my first piece of...

Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.

See, I don't want my controlling ways

to drive Jordan into sinful behavior,

but I don't want to stop controlling him either.

So the trick is, how do I control him

without him knowing?

This is what I call a predicament.

See, I got to let him think that, you know,

I let him go a little bit

and then I'm going to pull him back,

and I'll pull him back, I'll pull him, you know?

I'm clever.

My own party?

That's right. Let me tell you something.

When I was your age,

I invited all my pals from church,

we'd sit around listening to music

and play games and eat cake.

It was some good old wholesome fun, boy.

But you wouldn't even let me go to David's party.

David's a little bit too old for you.

You'll have a party of your own-- kids your own age.

Unless you don't want it.

No, no, I want it.

Thanks, Uncle Bernie.

I'm going to go make an invite list.

Come on, put some clothes on.

(Vanessa screams)

Guess what, Vanessa!

I'm having a party!

Get out of here, you naked freak.

(chuckling)

Damn.

Help! Help! Gee.

Hey, Bernie.

Let me get one of those for you.

Thank you, uh, Cheryl.

Oh, by the way, I rented Pootie Tang.

You were right. It's not you.

What the hell's she doing...?

Stop.

Okay, I told Cheryl about Jordan's party

and, honey, she was kind enough

to come over and help.

Be nice.

Women.

And Bernie lost ten pounds on the all-meat diet.

Oh. I'd hate to see your colon.

Don't worry about it. You never will.

Uh, honey, are we using that piñata again?

Sure is. I'm recycling.

Don't you think

that's a little young for these kids?

Yup. Excuse me.

All right, you squares. Come on, let's gather around.

Hurry up. Everybody in here.

Just hold down on the speaking.

Come on. Come on, now.

Let's put on some B2K.

Yeah, let's get our groove on.

Hold on. Ain't nobody getting no groove on,

and B2K ain't got nothing on this piñata.

(speaking Spanish gibberish)

(gibberish continues)

And how many...?

W.B.: Wah-wah!

Hilarious, Bernie.

Brought some more ice.

Oh, thanks.

This is Bernie's friend, W.B.

W.B., meet my friend Cheryl.

Hey.

Oh, yeah... Pilates.

Heard about you.

Whoo! Boy, you just missed it.

We're having a ball up in here, aren't we?

Uncle Bernie, I don't think

anybody's really having a good time.

Because no one broke the ass.

Once you break that ass and that candy spill out,

like a new holiday up in here.

Lower. Lower.

Ooh! A little higher. Higher.

Higher. Lower.

David's party was better.

Come on.

Look, I'm just saying,

the Getty Museum is inaccessible.

You've got to find parking, take that tram.

Are you kidding me?

Where else can you see the Brueghels?

Not to mention Van Gogh's Irises.

Oh, they got jacked on the Irises.

Jacked?

78 mill for that?

And it's still inaccessible.

You want the Dutch Masters, you got to check out the LACMA.

You roll in, peep them Rubens, and you're out.

You ain't never lied.

(excited shouting)

Hey, what's everyone doing in here?

We're playing a game we learned at David's party.

Cool.

Okay, I'm going to spin it.

You got to do this.

(giggling and shouting)

You got to do this.

(chuckles)

Hey, I remember these parties, man.

I remember the games we used to play, too.

Spin the bottle, truth or dare, dentist...

You mean doctor.

No, dentist.

I had this fine, little Asian hygienist-- Ming Lee.

Oh, sixth grade-- easily pass for seventh.

Okay...

Ain't nothing like that happening up in here.

This ain't one of your little bottle-spinning orgies.

This party is rated "G."

And the Mac man got it cold under control.

Am I right, baby?

...16, 17, 18, 19, 20...

A new record. 20 seconds! KIDS: Whoa!

Yeah!

Let's see how long you last.

Jennifer.

Have fun.

One, two, three...

This is getting out of hand.

I ain't playing. I don't care.

I don't have to.

Shh!

...six, seven...

That's it?

Seven seconds?

What was that about?

Don't ask.

Okay, Chrissy, it's your turn, Chrissy.

ALL: Ooh!

Have fun, Chrissy.

Jordan's gonna kiss Chrissy.

Oh, Jordan, you can break the record!

ALL: Ooh!

("Love's Theme" play's)

(whimpers)

Oh, my God...

(muffled): Jordan, can you...?

Jordan! Jordan!

Ah! I didn't pass out.

What are you doing to my jacket?

I can't get it off.

I won't tell if you won't tell.

Deal.

Thanks.

And so your plan is to what?

Govern every action the boy takes

for the next seven years?

Well, I'm going to tell you...

Uncle Bernie, Jordan's in our room

playing games with his friends, and he won't let me in.

In his room?

Hold on. Excuse me a moment.

No one's lasted more than 30 seconds.

I'm telling you, something awful has happened.

I'm going in.

I'm definitely

not playing.

It's up to me, and I say no.

Oh, my gosh!

Geez!

Unbelievable.

BERNIE: Hey.

What y'all doing in here?

The party's in the next room.

Come on. We're about to have cake.

I got a cookie puss.

Come on, let's go.

Pop go the weasel

till the weasel go pop.

(horn blaring)

I don't mean to toot my own horn, America,

but Bernie Mac's a genius.

Boy, the party was a rousing success.

You should have seen the smile on that boy's face

when I put him to bed.

Grinning from ear to ear like a happy idiot.

And, on top of it, I still haven't had the talk.

No, I ain't had the talk with him yet,

and I don't think I never will.

Let his wife explain it to him.

And I'll get away with that, too.

You know why, America?

(horn blaring)

I'm a genius.

♪ Told you I didn't have to have that talk ♪

♪ Told you I didn't have to have that talk ♪

♪ Told you I didn't have to have that talk... ♪

Hey, Jordan.

Everyone's talking about you and Chrissy.

They are? What about?

About how you guys got busy in the closet.

Listen, she's best friends with Amanda Warren.

Put in a good word,

and maybe we can all go to the mall on Saturday.

Hey, Jordan. Great party.

Hey, have you guys seen Chrissy?

You mean your girlfriend?

She went home.

She threw up on the bus

all over Adam Nazar's leg.

It was pretty nasty.

Did she say anything about the closet?

(both giggling)

Excuse us.

We've got business to discuss.

Take my lunch money. Don't hurt me.

Forget that.

Rumor has it you got down with Chrissy Vorsick.

How far did you get?

I'm not really sure.

I think it was just a kiss.

You're not sure?

Well, I was going to ask her this morning,

but she threw up on the bus.

Sounds like morning sickness, dude.

Dude, you got her pregnant.

No, I didn't.

She got morning sickness, right?

That's what Andy said.

So she must be pregnant.

Oh! Bummer.

Uncle Bernie's going to kill me.

I don't know how such little kids make so much garbage.

There was 22 of them.

Is that all?

(chuckling)

Sorry.

Uh, we got so caught up, we forgot to ring the doorbell.

Uh, well... when did this happen?

Uh, this morning. At the Getty Center.

But you hate the Getty Center.

She invited me, dawg.

I was going to prove, once and for all,

that the Getty is better than the LACMA.

I'm still an LACMA man.

But the trams weren't as bad as I remembered, man.

One thing led to another...

(chuckling)

Now we can double date.

We just, you know, wanted to stop by

and tell you the good news.

Yeah, that is good news.

Hey, we should find a weekend, man.

Cheryl has a condo up in Mammoth.

Mm?

Mm-hmm. Oh, it'd be so much fun.

Uh, could you take these to the curb?

Hi, Mrs. Vorsick. Is Chrissy here?

Oh, I'm sorry, Jordan,

but she's sleeping.

She's got quite a bug.

Has she been throwing up in the morning?

Oh, my goodness, yes.

She's a regular volcano, that one.

Then you have to let me in.

Jordan, I told you, she's sleeping.

I'm sorry, Mrs. Vorsick, but I have to be with her now.

That's my baby she's carrying.

Don't worry, though.

My Uncle Bernie's very rich, and we have plenty of room.

Baby?!

(chuckles)

No, I ain't laughing.

I should let Jordan walk around here

thinking he got that girl pregnant.

Oh, that sounds crazy.

It might be crazy.

Baby, he's ungrateful.

I'm throwing him a party, and what he doing?

He in the closet playing nasty games.

Well, you know, the closet is not the issue, okay?

He's walking around here terrified,

and it's kind of your fault.

How's it my fault?

For not wanting to give him the talk.

How is it my fault?

How in the hell is it my fault?

Because you didn't listen to me.

Oh...

Don't you think I know what I'm talking about by now?

Hef, I know you know what you talking about,

but I don't want that for the boy.

Do you understand what I'm trying to tell you?

I know he's going to become a man

but, now that he's becoming a man,

I want him to stay a little boy.

Mm-hmm. But he's not Peter Pan, Bernie.

Little boys do grow up to be men.

Now I think you need to sit him down

and have the talk.

Guess I got no choice.

Good.

And, when you're done,

you'll find me in the Grotto.

Yeah, okay.

America... okay.

But she is pregnant.

She is not, man. I guarantee she's not.

But how do you know?

Because I'm going to explain it to you.

I'm going to tell you like it 't-i-is.

Like what "t-i-is"?

Sex, boy. Sex.

You're going to tell me about sex?

What the heck you think I'm talking about, Jordan?

Now, you sure you really want to know?

Because, once I start, ain't no turning back.

I want to know everything.

All right, here we go.

See, you got this man and you got this woman.

You do that?

With Aunt Wanda?

Ew!

Well, it's not that bad, really.

Nasty.

I'm going to go throw up.

I'm never going to do that.

Ew!! Whew!

(retching)

Thank you.

You see that?

America, I guess I had less to worry about than I thought.

Jordan's still a little boy, after all,

and I'm going to enjoy it for as long as I can,

because the attitude in there, it ain't going to last.

It never does.

See, time goes so fast, and before you know it,

I'll be having that conversation with Baby Girl.

Damn.

I feel good about myself now, baby.

Matter of fact, I'll take that drink.

(chuckling)

Thank you, baby.

Right on, sweetie. You know.

What you looking at, Hef?

I'm a grown man.

Tweedley-Dee, Tweedley-Dum--

cut off the lights and come get you some.

Cut off the lights, America.

You don't need to know everything.

(laughter)

Captioned by VISUAL DATA