All language subtitles for The.Bernie.Mac.Show.S03E19.The.Talk.1080p.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-squalor_track3_[eng]

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,953 --> 00:00:05,754 ♪♪ 2 00:00:21,221 --> 00:00:24,264 Hey, hey, hey. Don't touch my paper, boy. 3 00:00:24,275 --> 00:00:25,766 I just want to see if there's anything 4 00:00:25,776 --> 00:00:27,684 interesting happening in the world. 5 00:00:27,695 --> 00:00:29,361 Interesting? 6 00:00:31,681 --> 00:00:32,698 It says right here, 7 00:00:32,775 --> 00:00:34,432 young boy out of Los Angeles 8 00:00:34,243 --> 00:00:37,286 about to lose his hand for touching his uncle's paper. 9 00:00:39,439 --> 00:00:41,364 Anything interesting in there? 10 00:00:41,441 --> 00:00:44,084 Boris Yelstin's back in the news. 11 00:00:45,996 --> 00:00:47,788 Would you look at this? 12 00:00:47,864 --> 00:00:49,506 Panties and bras. 13 00:00:49,583 --> 00:00:52,250 Doggone it, Jordan, that's all you've been doing. 14 00:00:52,327 --> 00:00:53,376 I don't know what's wrong with you. 15 00:00:53,453 --> 00:00:54,836 All you do is watch women 16 00:00:54,913 --> 00:00:56,346 in their panties and bras. Freak! 17 00:01:01,253 --> 00:01:03,187 Look at that. 18 00:01:03,263 --> 00:01:05,347 Used to be bugs, rocks and magic. 19 00:01:05,423 --> 00:01:08,141 Now it's bugs, rocks, magic and girls. 20 00:01:08,218 --> 00:01:11,061 Oh, sure, Jordan has had little crushes before, 21 00:01:11,138 --> 00:01:13,396 but what used to be cute is becoming a situation. 22 00:01:13,473 --> 00:01:15,649 The boy's like a raging hormone. 23 00:01:15,725 --> 00:01:18,235 Now, I don't want him thinking about sex yet, America, 24 00:01:18,245 --> 00:01:20,695 because once you start, you know how it goes. 25 00:01:20,706 --> 00:01:21,905 You never stop. 26 00:01:21,916 --> 00:01:23,189 And he ain't ready for that. 27 00:01:23,267 --> 00:01:25,909 And truth be told, America, neither am I. 28 00:01:25,986 --> 00:01:29,746 Huh! Bra and panty ads. 29 00:01:29,823 --> 00:01:32,207 At least the boy's resourceful. 30 00:01:32,218 --> 00:01:34,760 Huh! She got on... 31 00:01:37,223 --> 00:01:42,434 (grunting) (moaning) 32 00:01:44,296 --> 00:01:46,563 Oh! Cool. Awesome! 33 00:01:48,383 --> 00:01:50,100 What you doing, Jordan? 34 00:01:50,177 --> 00:01:51,568 Well, since I can't read... 35 00:01:51,645 --> 00:01:53,612 What you mean, "since you can't read"? 36 00:01:55,390 --> 00:01:57,274 What's "Girls In Bikinis"? 37 00:01:57,350 --> 00:01:59,151 It's beach volleyball, 38 00:01:59,227 --> 00:02:01,495 and the winners jump up and down. 39 00:02:03,273 --> 00:02:04,531 Now, wait a minute. 40 00:02:04,608 --> 00:02:06,116 That girl just missed a point, man. 41 00:02:06,127 --> 00:02:07,200 She's still jumping. 42 00:02:07,277 --> 00:02:10,203 She's hopping mad. 43 00:02:10,280 --> 00:02:11,663 (video game girl moaning) 44 00:02:11,740 --> 00:02:13,165 What happened with that game with the machete? 45 00:02:13,241 --> 00:02:14,749 The dismemberment game. 46 00:02:14,826 --> 00:02:16,251 You told me it was too violent. 47 00:02:16,328 --> 00:02:17,970 I want you to start playing it. 48 00:02:18,046 --> 00:02:18,987 Play it. 49 00:02:21,625 --> 00:02:23,967 Hey, baby, did you buy this boy 50 00:02:24,044 --> 00:02:25,144 this bikini video stuff? 51 00:02:25,220 --> 00:02:26,636 He in there... 52 00:02:26,713 --> 00:02:27,971 Uh, hey, hey, Cheryl. 53 00:02:28,048 --> 00:02:28,972 How you doing? 54 00:02:29,049 --> 00:02:29,973 Hey, Bernie. 55 00:02:30,050 --> 00:02:32,017 Oh, funniest thing happened. 56 00:02:32,027 --> 00:02:34,361 I went to the video store the other day, 57 00:02:34,438 --> 00:02:37,647 and I saw you on the cover of the Pootie Tang box. 58 00:02:37,724 --> 00:02:40,358 I mean, I was telling everybody in the store, 59 00:02:40,435 --> 00:02:41,618 "Hey, I know that guy." 60 00:02:41,695 --> 00:02:43,820 That is funny because that wasn't me. 61 00:02:43,897 --> 00:02:46,039 Yeah, no, no, I'm pretty sure that was you. 62 00:02:46,116 --> 00:02:47,782 I'm not going to argue. 63 00:02:47,793 --> 00:02:48,792 Look... Hey, honey. 64 00:02:48,869 --> 00:02:50,184 Cheryl has good news. 65 00:02:49,962 --> 00:02:51,828 She's opening up her own Pilates studio. 66 00:02:51,905 --> 00:02:52,838 Mm-hmm. 67 00:02:52,915 --> 00:02:54,039 Now Cheryl, I think that's great. 68 00:02:54,115 --> 00:02:55,916 I love what you do with my wife's body. 69 00:02:55,926 --> 00:02:57,209 Okay, here's the literature. 70 00:02:57,285 --> 00:02:58,427 Oh, thank you. 71 00:02:58,503 --> 00:02:59,544 Vanessa was just alerting us 72 00:02:59,621 --> 00:03:01,254 to the plight of the sea turtle. 73 00:03:01,331 --> 00:03:02,547 Nessa, I told you, 74 00:03:02,624 --> 00:03:04,308 quite bothering people with that bull, man. 75 00:03:04,384 --> 00:03:06,310 That thing won't give a flip to save your butt. 76 00:03:06,386 --> 00:03:08,678 Mr. Hanson says they're going to be endangered. 77 00:03:08,689 --> 00:03:10,388 It's better than being extinct. 78 00:03:10,465 --> 00:03:12,015 Oh, come on, Bernie. 79 00:03:12,092 --> 00:03:13,642 We're always on our kids about not being 80 00:03:13,718 --> 00:03:15,319 involved, and then, when they are, 81 00:03:15,395 --> 00:03:16,570 we don't support them. 82 00:03:16,647 --> 00:03:18,855 Here, Vanessa. 83 00:03:18,866 --> 00:03:22,275 I... support you. 84 00:03:22,352 --> 00:03:23,360 Well, who supported... 85 00:03:23,436 --> 00:03:24,945 Honey, there's a nice little surprise 86 00:03:25,021 --> 00:03:26,196 I got for you in the refrigerator. 87 00:03:26,207 --> 00:03:27,438 In the refrigerator? 88 00:03:27,516 --> 00:03:29,574 Yeah, right there in the little, um, the bin. 89 00:03:29,651 --> 00:03:32,077 (grunts) 90 00:03:32,153 --> 00:03:33,587 The woman's annoying. 91 00:03:33,664 --> 00:03:36,206 Talking about I don't support the kid. 92 00:03:36,217 --> 00:03:38,500 The kids were next to living in a cardboard box. 93 00:03:38,576 --> 00:03:41,378 Thanks to me, the boy got normal bone density again. 94 00:03:41,454 --> 00:03:43,129 Oh, come on, that's not what she meant. 95 00:03:43,206 --> 00:03:45,098 Besides, it's not like I don't find 96 00:03:45,175 --> 00:03:46,549 any of your friends annoying. 97 00:03:46,626 --> 00:03:48,343 Who of my friends of you find annoying 98 00:03:48,354 --> 00:03:50,053 besides Jerry Best when he drinks? 99 00:03:50,064 --> 00:03:53,431 Uh... how about W.B.? 100 00:03:53,508 --> 00:03:56,476 I mean, I love him, but he's always here. 101 00:03:56,487 --> 00:03:58,395 And he calls me "Wah-wah." 102 00:03:58,471 --> 00:04:00,230 Oh, baby, "Wah-wah"-- 103 00:04:00,307 --> 00:04:01,273 that's a term of endearment. 104 00:04:01,349 --> 00:04:02,732 So don't trip, baby. 105 00:04:02,809 --> 00:04:04,359 Hey, what are you doing with my fashion magazines? 106 00:04:04,436 --> 00:04:06,361 Last thing I need is these books hanging around 107 00:04:06,438 --> 00:04:07,445 so that boy can get to them. 108 00:04:07,522 --> 00:04:08,497 They're fashion magazines. 109 00:04:08,573 --> 00:04:10,148 Come now, Wanda, come on. 110 00:04:10,225 --> 00:04:11,866 Okay, well, if you are that concerned about Jordan, 111 00:04:11,877 --> 00:04:14,536 then, sweetheart, maybe you should give him the talk. 112 00:04:14,612 --> 00:04:16,046 I ain't talking about nothing. 113 00:04:16,123 --> 00:04:19,249 Well, honey, obviously he's grown curious about women, 114 00:04:19,326 --> 00:04:20,667 which is perfectly natural. 115 00:04:20,744 --> 00:04:22,711 I'm quite sure he's got some questions. 116 00:04:22,787 --> 00:04:24,129 I ain't answering no questions. 117 00:04:24,205 --> 00:04:25,922 That's the problem right now-- 118 00:04:25,999 --> 00:04:26,890 13-year-old mamas, 119 00:04:26,967 --> 00:04:28,091 14-year-old daddies, 120 00:04:28,168 --> 00:04:29,592 growing up too doggone fast. 121 00:04:29,669 --> 00:04:32,554 I ain't having that up in this house. 122 00:04:32,630 --> 00:04:34,414 I'm not going to have it. 123 00:04:34,491 --> 00:04:36,400 Last thing I need, that boy walking around here with some knowledge. 124 00:04:36,476 --> 00:04:39,436 Plus, talk is cheap. I'm about action. 125 00:04:39,512 --> 00:04:40,904 Now, help me lift this doggone bed up 126 00:04:40,981 --> 00:04:42,647 so I can hide these magazines underneath there. 127 00:04:42,724 --> 00:04:43,690 Come on, now. 128 00:04:43,767 --> 00:04:45,608 (moans) 129 00:04:45,685 --> 00:04:46,985 Chillax. 130 00:04:47,062 --> 00:04:48,403 Look at you. 131 00:04:48,414 --> 00:04:50,030 Sit down right here. 132 00:04:50,106 --> 00:04:51,397 Yeah, you're... 133 00:04:51,475 --> 00:04:53,992 You know, this thing got you all tense and tight. 134 00:04:54,069 --> 00:04:55,668 Yeah, it do. 135 00:04:55,746 --> 00:04:57,162 Look, you got a knot back here the size of a peach pit. 136 00:04:57,238 --> 00:04:58,422 You feel it? 137 00:04:58,498 --> 00:05:00,373 JORDAN: Uncle Bernie? 138 00:05:00,450 --> 00:05:02,125 Ooh, it just got bigger. 139 00:05:02,202 --> 00:05:04,294 Go on now, Jordan, I'm busy. 140 00:05:04,371 --> 00:05:06,504 (Jordan laughs) 141 00:05:06,581 --> 00:05:08,682 You guys are doing it! 142 00:05:11,586 --> 00:05:12,936 Son, just because you think you know 143 00:05:13,013 --> 00:05:14,237 about certain things, 144 00:05:14,314 --> 00:05:16,806 don't mean you can go around doing them. 145 00:05:16,883 --> 00:05:18,308 You're too young. 146 00:05:18,319 --> 00:05:21,394 You are definitely too doggone young. 147 00:05:21,405 --> 00:05:23,563 You ain't ready for that type of responsibility. 148 00:05:23,640 --> 00:05:24,990 What are you talking about? 149 00:05:25,067 --> 00:05:26,116 You know what I'm talking about. 150 00:05:26,193 --> 00:05:27,192 You said that me and your aunt 151 00:05:27,268 --> 00:05:28,677 was getting ready to do it, 152 00:05:28,753 --> 00:05:30,320 and, Jordan, I want to know what you meant by that. 153 00:05:30,397 --> 00:05:31,713 Is this some kind of trick, 154 00:05:31,457 --> 00:05:32,456 'cause I can go get the belt right now. 155 00:05:32,532 --> 00:05:34,199 Son, this ain't no trick. 156 00:05:34,275 --> 00:05:35,408 I'm telling you, you got a free pass. 157 00:05:35,485 --> 00:05:39,788 Now tell me what you think you know. 158 00:05:39,798 --> 00:05:41,373 Okay. 159 00:05:41,449 --> 00:05:42,290 First, the man and the woman 160 00:05:42,367 --> 00:05:43,708 have dinner, right? 161 00:05:43,785 --> 00:05:45,377 But not at a fast food restaurant-- 162 00:05:45,453 --> 00:05:48,046 you know, a fancy one-- with tablecloths 163 00:05:48,123 --> 00:05:49,631 and a waiter with a towel on his arm. 164 00:05:49,707 --> 00:05:50,706 BERNIE: Four star. 165 00:05:50,784 --> 00:05:52,550 So, then, the man orders some wine 166 00:05:52,627 --> 00:05:54,677 and tells the lady how pretty she looks. 167 00:05:54,754 --> 00:05:56,679 She giggles and feels his muscles. 168 00:05:56,756 --> 00:05:57,931 That's called "foreplay." 169 00:05:57,941 --> 00:05:59,099 Oh, Lord. 170 00:05:59,175 --> 00:06:01,267 So then, they go back to his place, 171 00:06:01,344 --> 00:06:03,353 they listen to some smooth music. 172 00:06:03,430 --> 00:06:04,521 You know, the kind you listen to 173 00:06:04,365 --> 00:06:06,272 when you think we're asleep. 174 00:06:06,349 --> 00:06:08,149 What you talking about? Coltrane cool, boy. 175 00:06:08,160 --> 00:06:09,692 Now he dims the lights, 176 00:06:09,769 --> 00:06:12,112 and this is where things get interesting. 177 00:06:12,122 --> 00:06:13,363 The lady lays on the bed 178 00:06:13,440 --> 00:06:14,781 and the man hops on top of her. 179 00:06:14,858 --> 00:06:16,282 And they roll back and forth, kissing. 180 00:06:16,359 --> 00:06:17,501 And, while this is going on, 181 00:06:17,577 --> 00:06:19,452 the lady lets the man see her boobies. 182 00:06:19,463 --> 00:06:22,247 And then their eyes roll into the back of their head, 183 00:06:22,323 --> 00:06:23,507 then they smoke a cigarette. 184 00:06:23,583 --> 00:06:25,842 Then they get married, and that's doing it. 185 00:06:29,205 --> 00:06:31,589 Well, I put that to bed, Hef. 186 00:06:31,666 --> 00:06:33,883 Well, speaking of "bed", Bernie, 187 00:06:33,960 --> 00:06:36,386 that's not really how you have sex. 188 00:06:36,463 --> 00:06:38,596 I know that. 189 00:06:38,673 --> 00:06:39,822 But it's still great. 190 00:06:39,899 --> 00:06:41,433 See, Jordan may have some moves down, 191 00:06:41,509 --> 00:06:44,018 but he don't know everything about the ins and out, 192 00:06:44,095 --> 00:06:45,103 if you know what I'm saying. 193 00:06:45,180 --> 00:06:46,312 That's great. 194 00:06:46,389 --> 00:06:48,240 And you're okay with that? 195 00:06:48,316 --> 00:06:49,732 You're doggone right I'm okay. 196 00:06:49,809 --> 00:06:52,235 His ignorance is my bliss. 197 00:06:52,246 --> 00:06:53,653 Sexual repression 198 00:06:53,497 --> 00:06:55,738 can lead to all sorts of hang-ups, Bernie. 199 00:06:55,815 --> 00:06:59,033 Performance anxiety, nervous tics... 200 00:06:59,110 --> 00:07:00,502 From the looks of your nephew, 201 00:07:00,579 --> 00:07:03,079 it's going to be an uphill battle as it is. 202 00:07:03,090 --> 00:07:06,082 Man, that's cold, Hef. 203 00:07:06,159 --> 00:07:08,460 I never thought you'd say something like that. 204 00:07:08,536 --> 00:07:09,886 The boy's only 11 years old. 205 00:07:09,963 --> 00:07:11,921 How you want him to be? Another you? 206 00:07:11,998 --> 00:07:14,933 It's been a good life. 207 00:07:21,174 --> 00:07:22,432 You're supposed to be backing me with that. 208 00:07:22,509 --> 00:07:23,892 What's up with this? 209 00:07:23,735 --> 00:07:25,518 All I know there's a little boy moping around here 210 00:07:25,595 --> 00:07:27,020 because all his friends are at a party, 211 00:07:27,096 --> 00:07:28,438 that you won't let him got to. 212 00:07:28,515 --> 00:07:29,939 I'm teaching him to be an individual. 213 00:07:30,016 --> 00:07:31,524 No. You're controlling him. 214 00:07:31,601 --> 00:07:32,609 You're damn right. 215 00:07:32,619 --> 00:07:33,726 I control all three of them. 216 00:07:33,804 --> 00:07:35,028 As long as they live under this roof, 217 00:07:35,104 --> 00:07:36,579 they live according to the gospel of Bernie Mac. 218 00:07:36,457 --> 00:07:40,208 You know, the preacher kids are always the wildest ones. 219 00:07:43,112 --> 00:07:44,370 Damn. 220 00:07:44,447 --> 00:07:45,955 She ain't lying. 221 00:07:46,032 --> 00:07:49,209 America, Tamryn Johnson, 222 00:07:49,285 --> 00:07:50,627 the right Reverend Johnson's daughter, 223 00:07:50,637 --> 00:07:52,545 gave me my first piece of... 224 00:07:52,556 --> 00:07:55,056 Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. 225 00:07:55,133 --> 00:07:57,175 See, I don't want my controlling ways 226 00:07:57,252 --> 00:07:59,436 to drive Jordan into sinful behavior, 227 00:07:59,513 --> 00:08:01,930 but I don't want to stop controlling him either. 228 00:08:02,006 --> 00:08:04,349 So the trick is, how do I control him 229 00:08:04,425 --> 00:08:05,683 without him knowing? 230 00:08:05,760 --> 00:08:08,144 This is what I call a predicament. 231 00:08:08,221 --> 00:08:10,563 See, I got to let him think that, you know, 232 00:08:10,640 --> 00:08:11,865 I let him go a little bit 233 00:08:11,942 --> 00:08:13,733 and then I'm going to pull him back, 234 00:08:13,810 --> 00:08:16,653 and I'll pull him back, I'll pull him, you know? 235 00:08:16,663 --> 00:08:19,456 I'm clever. 236 00:08:19,533 --> 00:08:20,990 My own party? 237 00:08:21,067 --> 00:08:22,659 That's right. Let me tell you something. 238 00:08:22,669 --> 00:08:23,835 When I was your age, 239 00:08:23,912 --> 00:08:25,411 I invited all my pals from church, 240 00:08:25,488 --> 00:08:27,413 we'd sit around listening to music 241 00:08:27,490 --> 00:08:28,790 and play games and eat cake. 242 00:08:28,866 --> 00:08:31,084 It was some good old wholesome fun, boy. 243 00:08:31,094 --> 00:08:33,169 But you wouldn't even let me go to David's party. 244 00:08:33,246 --> 00:08:35,046 David's a little bit too old for you. 245 00:08:35,123 --> 00:08:37,423 You'll have a party of your own-- kids your own age. 246 00:08:37,500 --> 00:08:38,424 Unless you don't want it. 247 00:08:38,501 --> 00:08:39,592 No, no, I want it. 248 00:08:39,669 --> 00:08:40,760 Thanks, Uncle Bernie. 249 00:08:40,837 --> 00:08:42,020 I'm going to go make an invite list. 250 00:08:43,473 --> 00:08:44,648 Come on, put some clothes on. 251 00:08:44,724 --> 00:08:46,224 (Vanessa screams) 252 00:08:46,301 --> 00:08:47,225 Guess what, Vanessa! 253 00:08:47,302 --> 00:08:48,468 I'm having a party! 254 00:08:48,544 --> 00:08:49,769 Get out of here, you naked freak. 255 00:08:49,846 --> 00:08:51,187 (chuckling) 256 00:08:51,264 --> 00:08:53,439 Damn. 257 00:08:53,516 --> 00:08:58,278 Help! Help! Gee. 258 00:08:58,354 --> 00:08:59,529 Hey, Bernie. 259 00:08:59,540 --> 00:09:00,780 Let me get one of those for you. 260 00:09:00,857 --> 00:09:02,666 Thank you, uh, Cheryl. 261 00:09:02,742 --> 00:09:06,035 Oh, by the way, I rented Pootie Tang. 262 00:09:06,046 --> 00:09:08,255 You were right. It's not you. 263 00:09:09,824 --> 00:09:10,707 What the hell's she doing...? 264 00:09:10,717 --> 00:09:12,250 Stop. 265 00:09:12,327 --> 00:09:14,127 Okay, I told Cheryl about Jordan's party 266 00:09:14,203 --> 00:09:16,379 and, honey, she was kind enough 267 00:09:16,456 --> 00:09:17,505 to come over and help. 268 00:09:17,582 --> 00:09:18,390 Be nice. 269 00:09:22,712 --> 00:09:24,119 Women. 270 00:09:25,965 --> 00:09:27,941 And Bernie lost ten pounds on the all-meat diet. 271 00:09:28,018 --> 00:09:30,602 Oh. I'd hate to see your colon. 272 00:09:30,678 --> 00:09:32,353 Don't worry about it. You never will. 273 00:09:32,430 --> 00:09:34,814 Uh, honey, are we using that piñata again? 274 00:09:34,891 --> 00:09:37,400 Sure is. I'm recycling. 275 00:09:37,477 --> 00:09:38,551 Don't you think 276 00:09:38,628 --> 00:09:40,236 that's a little young for these kids? 277 00:09:40,247 --> 00:09:41,854 Yup. Excuse me. 278 00:09:41,931 --> 00:09:43,582 All right, you squares. Come on, let's gather around. 279 00:09:43,658 --> 00:09:44,866 Hurry up. Everybody in here. 280 00:09:44,942 --> 00:09:45,992 Just hold down on the speaking. 281 00:09:46,069 --> 00:09:47,660 Come on. Come on, now. 282 00:09:47,737 --> 00:09:48,828 Let's put on some B2K. 283 00:09:48,905 --> 00:09:51,164 Yeah, let's get our groove on. 284 00:09:51,174 --> 00:09:53,124 Hold on. Ain't nobody getting no groove on, 285 00:09:53,201 --> 00:09:54,876 and B2K ain't got nothing on this piñata. 286 00:09:54,952 --> 00:09:58,963 (speaking Spanish gibberish) 287 00:09:59,040 --> 00:10:02,851 (gibberish continues) 288 00:10:08,925 --> 00:10:09,849 And how many...? 289 00:10:09,926 --> 00:10:10,850 W.B.: Wah-wah! 290 00:10:10,927 --> 00:10:12,185 Hilarious, Bernie. 291 00:10:12,261 --> 00:10:13,436 Brought some more ice. 292 00:10:13,513 --> 00:10:15,605 Oh, thanks. 293 00:10:15,682 --> 00:10:17,607 This is Bernie's friend, W.B. 294 00:10:17,684 --> 00:10:19,025 W.B., meet my friend Cheryl. 295 00:10:19,036 --> 00:10:19,992 Hey. 296 00:10:20,070 --> 00:10:22,487 Oh, yeah... Pilates. 297 00:10:22,563 --> 00:10:25,040 Heard about you. 298 00:10:30,613 --> 00:10:32,380 Whoo! Boy, you just missed it. 299 00:10:32,457 --> 00:10:34,999 We're having a ball up in here, aren't we? 300 00:10:35,076 --> 00:10:36,209 Uncle Bernie, I don't think 301 00:10:36,285 --> 00:10:37,835 anybody's really having a good time. 302 00:10:37,912 --> 00:10:39,328 Because no one broke the ass. 303 00:10:39,405 --> 00:10:41,130 Once you break that ass and that candy spill out, 304 00:10:41,207 --> 00:10:42,674 like a new holiday up in here. 305 00:10:42,684 --> 00:10:43,675 Lower. Lower. 306 00:10:43,751 --> 00:10:46,219 Ooh! A little higher. Higher. 307 00:10:46,295 --> 00:10:47,970 Higher. Lower. 308 00:10:48,047 --> 00:10:49,722 David's party was better. 309 00:10:49,799 --> 00:10:51,483 Come on. 310 00:10:55,805 --> 00:10:56,780 Look, I'm just saying, 311 00:10:56,856 --> 00:10:58,147 the Getty Museum is inaccessible. 312 00:10:58,224 --> 00:11:00,525 You've got to find parking, take that tram. 313 00:11:00,535 --> 00:11:01,559 Are you kidding me? 314 00:11:01,636 --> 00:11:03,361 Where else can you see the Brueghels? 315 00:11:03,438 --> 00:11:05,113 Not to mention Van Gogh's Irises. 316 00:11:05,189 --> 00:11:07,323 Oh, they got jacked on the Irises. 317 00:11:07,400 --> 00:11:08,908 Jacked? 318 00:11:08,985 --> 00:11:09,909 78 mill for that? 319 00:11:09,986 --> 00:11:11,603 And it's still inaccessible. 320 00:11:11,679 --> 00:11:15,081 You want the Dutch Masters, you got to check out the LACMA. 321 00:11:15,158 --> 00:11:18,751 You roll in, peep them Rubens, and you're out. 322 00:11:18,828 --> 00:11:20,345 You ain't never lied. 323 00:11:24,810 --> 00:11:26,685 (excited shouting) 324 00:11:30,107 --> 00:11:31,931 Hey, what's everyone doing in here? 325 00:11:32,008 --> 00:11:34,484 We're playing a game we learned at David's party. 326 00:11:35,612 --> 00:11:37,687 Cool. 327 00:11:37,764 --> 00:11:39,939 Okay, I'm going to spin it. 328 00:11:40,016 --> 00:11:41,658 You got to do this. 329 00:11:44,228 --> 00:11:45,945 (giggling and shouting) 330 00:11:46,022 --> 00:11:48,456 You got to do this. 331 00:11:50,359 --> 00:11:51,701 (chuckles) 332 00:11:51,778 --> 00:11:53,336 Hey, I remember these parties, man. 333 00:11:53,413 --> 00:11:54,712 I remember the games we used to play, too. 334 00:11:54,789 --> 00:11:57,623 Spin the bottle, truth or dare, dentist... 335 00:11:57,700 --> 00:11:58,750 You mean doctor. 336 00:11:58,826 --> 00:12:00,752 No, dentist. 337 00:12:00,828 --> 00:12:03,629 I had this fine, little Asian hygienist-- Ming Lee. 338 00:12:03,706 --> 00:12:06,799 Oh, sixth grade-- easily pass for seventh. 339 00:12:06,876 --> 00:12:08,593 Okay... 340 00:12:08,669 --> 00:12:10,595 Ain't nothing like that happening up in here. 341 00:12:10,671 --> 00:12:13,514 This ain't one of your little bottle-spinning orgies. 342 00:12:13,591 --> 00:12:15,141 This party is rated "G." 343 00:12:15,218 --> 00:12:19,812 And the Mac man got it cold under control. 344 00:12:19,889 --> 00:12:21,814 Am I right, baby? 345 00:12:21,891 --> 00:12:27,662 ...16, 17, 18, 19, 20... 346 00:12:28,990 --> 00:12:31,282 A new record. 20 seconds! KIDS: Whoa! 347 00:12:31,359 --> 00:12:32,167 Yeah! 348 00:12:32,243 --> 00:12:34,002 Let's see how long you last. 349 00:12:39,534 --> 00:12:41,501 Jennifer. 350 00:12:41,577 --> 00:12:43,511 Have fun. 351 00:12:50,753 --> 00:12:53,638 One, two, three... 352 00:12:53,714 --> 00:12:55,181 This is getting out of hand. 353 00:12:55,258 --> 00:12:57,350 I ain't playing. I don't care. 354 00:12:57,360 --> 00:12:58,434 I don't have to. 355 00:12:58,511 --> 00:12:59,477 Shh! 356 00:12:59,554 --> 00:13:01,562 ...six, seven... 357 00:13:01,639 --> 00:13:04,657 That's it? 358 00:13:04,734 --> 00:13:05,817 Seven seconds? 359 00:13:05,893 --> 00:13:07,693 What was that about? 360 00:13:07,770 --> 00:13:09,120 Don't ask. 361 00:13:11,357 --> 00:13:14,167 Okay, Chrissy, it's your turn, Chrissy. 362 00:13:18,865 --> 00:13:21,874 ALL: Ooh! 363 00:13:21,951 --> 00:13:24,043 Have fun, Chrissy. 364 00:13:24,120 --> 00:13:26,921 Jordan's gonna kiss Chrissy. 365 00:13:26,998 --> 00:13:29,140 Oh, Jordan, you can break the record! 366 00:13:30,167 --> 00:13:32,927 ALL: Ooh! 367 00:13:32,938 --> 00:13:35,146 ("Love's Theme" play's) 368 00:13:40,678 --> 00:13:42,153 (whimpers) 369 00:13:43,681 --> 00:13:46,199 Oh, my God... 370 00:13:46,276 --> 00:13:48,067 (muffled): Jordan, can you...? 371 00:13:48,078 --> 00:13:50,620 Jordan! Jordan! 372 00:13:50,697 --> 00:13:52,071 Ah! I didn't pass out. 373 00:13:52,082 --> 00:13:54,740 What are you doing to my jacket? 374 00:13:54,817 --> 00:13:56,584 I can't get it off. 375 00:13:57,963 --> 00:13:59,954 I won't tell if you won't tell. 376 00:14:00,031 --> 00:14:01,214 Deal. 377 00:14:07,413 --> 00:14:08,880 Thanks. 378 00:14:08,956 --> 00:14:10,131 And so your plan is to what? 379 00:14:10,207 --> 00:14:11,674 Govern every action the boy takes 380 00:14:11,751 --> 00:14:12,842 for the next seven years? 381 00:14:12,919 --> 00:14:14,135 Well, I'm going to tell you... 382 00:14:14,211 --> 00:14:15,586 Uncle Bernie, Jordan's in our room 383 00:14:15,664 --> 00:14:18,097 playing games with his friends, and he won't let me in. 384 00:14:18,174 --> 00:14:19,390 In his room? 385 00:14:19,467 --> 00:14:22,235 Hold on. Excuse me a moment. 386 00:14:23,313 --> 00:14:25,313 No one's lasted more than 30 seconds. 387 00:14:25,389 --> 00:14:27,940 I'm telling you, something awful has happened. 388 00:14:28,017 --> 00:14:29,284 I'm going in. 389 00:14:34,815 --> 00:14:36,449 I'm definitely 390 00:14:36,525 --> 00:14:37,416 not playing. 391 00:14:37,294 --> 00:14:38,784 It's up to me, and I say no. 392 00:14:38,861 --> 00:14:40,077 Oh, my gosh! 393 00:14:40,154 --> 00:14:41,078 Geez! 394 00:14:41,155 --> 00:14:42,297 Unbelievable. 395 00:14:44,751 --> 00:14:45,917 BERNIE: Hey. 396 00:14:45,993 --> 00:14:47,001 What y'all doing in here? 397 00:14:47,012 --> 00:14:48,878 The party's in the next room. 398 00:14:48,955 --> 00:14:50,922 Come on. We're about to have cake. 399 00:14:50,932 --> 00:14:52,506 I got a cookie puss. 400 00:14:52,583 --> 00:14:54,091 Come on, let's go. 401 00:14:54,168 --> 00:14:55,801 Pop go the weasel 402 00:14:55,878 --> 00:14:57,812 till the weasel go pop. 403 00:15:09,400 --> 00:15:10,983 (horn blaring) 404 00:15:11,060 --> 00:15:13,611 I don't mean to toot my own horn, America, 405 00:15:13,688 --> 00:15:15,821 but Bernie Mac's a genius. 406 00:15:15,898 --> 00:15:18,240 Boy, the party was a rousing success. 407 00:15:18,317 --> 00:15:20,618 You should have seen the smile on that boy's face 408 00:15:20,695 --> 00:15:22,078 when I put him to bed. 409 00:15:22,154 --> 00:15:24,047 Grinning from ear to ear like a happy idiot. 410 00:15:24,123 --> 00:15:26,916 And, on top of it, I still haven't had the talk. 411 00:15:26,927 --> 00:15:28,876 No, I ain't had the talk with him yet, 412 00:15:28,953 --> 00:15:30,586 and I don't think I never will. 413 00:15:30,663 --> 00:15:32,171 Let his wife explain it to him. 414 00:15:32,248 --> 00:15:33,756 And I'll get away with that, too. 415 00:15:33,833 --> 00:15:35,424 You know why, America? 416 00:15:35,435 --> 00:15:37,727 (horn blaring) 417 00:15:37,804 --> 00:15:39,437 I'm a genius. 418 00:15:41,090 --> 00:15:44,308 ♪ Told you I didn't have to have that talk ♪ 419 00:15:44,385 --> 00:15:47,645 ♪ Told you I didn't have to have that talk ♪ 420 00:15:47,722 --> 00:15:50,823 ♪ Told you I didn't have to have that talk... ♪ 421 00:15:55,688 --> 00:15:57,196 Hey, Jordan. 422 00:15:57,207 --> 00:15:59,407 Everyone's talking about you and Chrissy. 423 00:15:59,483 --> 00:16:00,633 They are? What about? 424 00:16:00,709 --> 00:16:02,743 About how you guys got busy in the closet. 425 00:16:02,820 --> 00:16:05,204 Listen, she's best friends with Amanda Warren. 426 00:16:05,215 --> 00:16:06,488 Put in a good word, 427 00:16:06,566 --> 00:16:09,050 and maybe we can all go to the mall on Saturday. 428 00:16:10,095 --> 00:16:11,719 Hey, Jordan. Great party. 429 00:16:11,796 --> 00:16:13,796 Hey, have you guys seen Chrissy? 430 00:16:13,873 --> 00:16:15,723 You mean your girlfriend? 431 00:16:15,800 --> 00:16:16,841 She went home. 432 00:16:16,851 --> 00:16:18,426 She threw up on the bus 433 00:16:18,502 --> 00:16:19,844 all over Adam Nazar's leg. 434 00:16:19,854 --> 00:16:21,178 It was pretty nasty. 435 00:16:21,255 --> 00:16:23,305 Did she say anything about the closet? 436 00:16:23,382 --> 00:16:24,348 (both giggling) 437 00:16:24,425 --> 00:16:25,233 Excuse us. 438 00:16:25,309 --> 00:16:27,059 We've got business to discuss. 439 00:16:27,136 --> 00:16:28,611 Take my lunch money. Don't hurt me. 440 00:16:28,688 --> 00:16:30,179 Forget that. 441 00:16:29,990 --> 00:16:31,897 Rumor has it you got down with Chrissy Vorsick. 442 00:16:31,974 --> 00:16:33,357 How far did you get? 443 00:16:33,434 --> 00:16:34,483 I'm not really sure. 444 00:16:34,494 --> 00:16:35,860 I think it was just a kiss. 445 00:16:35,870 --> 00:16:38,404 You're not sure? 446 00:16:38,481 --> 00:16:40,790 Well, I was going to ask her this morning, 447 00:16:40,867 --> 00:16:42,116 but she threw up on the bus. 448 00:16:42,193 --> 00:16:44,910 Sounds like morning sickness, dude. 449 00:16:44,987 --> 00:16:46,620 Dude, you got her pregnant. 450 00:16:46,697 --> 00:16:47,830 No, I didn't. 451 00:16:47,907 --> 00:16:49,749 She got morning sickness, right? 452 00:16:49,825 --> 00:16:52,501 That's what Andy said. 453 00:16:52,578 --> 00:16:54,754 So she must be pregnant. 454 00:16:54,830 --> 00:16:56,839 Oh! Bummer. 455 00:16:56,916 --> 00:16:59,434 Uncle Bernie's going to kill me. 456 00:17:02,505 --> 00:17:05,723 I don't know how such little kids make so much garbage. 457 00:17:05,800 --> 00:17:07,183 There was 22 of them. 458 00:17:07,259 --> 00:17:08,234 Is that all? 459 00:17:10,513 --> 00:17:12,104 (chuckling) 460 00:17:12,181 --> 00:17:13,606 Sorry. 461 00:17:13,682 --> 00:17:18,736 Uh, we got so caught up, we forgot to ring the doorbell. 462 00:17:18,813 --> 00:17:21,739 Uh, well... when did this happen? 463 00:17:21,816 --> 00:17:23,991 Uh, this morning. At the Getty Center. 464 00:17:24,068 --> 00:17:25,367 But you hate the Getty Center. 465 00:17:25,444 --> 00:17:26,669 She invited me, dawg. 466 00:17:26,746 --> 00:17:28,329 I was going to prove, once and for all, 467 00:17:28,339 --> 00:17:30,414 that the Getty is better than the LACMA. 468 00:17:30,491 --> 00:17:31,957 I'm still an LACMA man. 469 00:17:32,034 --> 00:17:35,753 But the trams weren't as bad as I remembered, man. 470 00:17:35,830 --> 00:17:38,422 One thing led to another... 471 00:17:38,499 --> 00:17:40,049 (chuckling) 472 00:17:40,126 --> 00:17:41,559 Now we can double date. 473 00:17:43,813 --> 00:17:45,513 We just, you know, wanted to stop by 474 00:17:45,589 --> 00:17:46,430 and tell you the good news. 475 00:17:46,507 --> 00:17:49,016 Yeah, that is good news. 476 00:17:49,093 --> 00:17:50,810 Hey, we should find a weekend, man. 477 00:17:50,820 --> 00:17:52,561 Cheryl has a condo up in Mammoth. 478 00:17:52,572 --> 00:17:53,946 Mm? 479 00:17:54,023 --> 00:17:56,282 Mm-hmm. Oh, it'd be so much fun. 480 00:17:59,353 --> 00:18:01,662 Uh, could you take these to the curb? 481 00:18:10,364 --> 00:18:12,081 Hi, Mrs. Vorsick. Is Chrissy here? 482 00:18:12,158 --> 00:18:13,541 Oh, I'm sorry, Jordan, 483 00:18:13,617 --> 00:18:14,583 but she's sleeping. 484 00:18:14,594 --> 00:18:15,751 She's got quite a bug. 485 00:18:15,828 --> 00:18:18,087 Has she been throwing up in the morning? 486 00:18:18,098 --> 00:18:19,922 Oh, my goodness, yes. 487 00:18:19,999 --> 00:18:23,101 She's a regular volcano, that one. 488 00:18:24,295 --> 00:18:26,229 Then you have to let me in. 489 00:18:26,305 --> 00:18:29,098 Jordan, I told you, she's sleeping. 490 00:18:29,109 --> 00:18:31,767 I'm sorry, Mrs. Vorsick, but I have to be with her now. 491 00:18:31,844 --> 00:18:33,102 That's my baby she's carrying. 492 00:18:33,179 --> 00:18:35,104 Don't worry, though. 493 00:18:35,115 --> 00:18:37,448 My Uncle Bernie's very rich, and we have plenty of room. 494 00:18:39,560 --> 00:18:40,660 Baby?! 495 00:18:40,736 --> 00:18:41,819 (chuckles) 496 00:18:41,896 --> 00:18:44,071 No, I ain't laughing. 497 00:18:44,148 --> 00:18:45,748 I should let Jordan walk around here 498 00:18:45,825 --> 00:18:47,500 thinking he got that girl pregnant. 499 00:18:47,577 --> 00:18:48,751 Oh, that sounds crazy. 500 00:18:48,828 --> 00:18:49,869 It might be crazy. 501 00:18:49,879 --> 00:18:51,453 Baby, he's ungrateful. 502 00:18:51,530 --> 00:18:53,372 I'm throwing him a party, and what he doing? 503 00:18:53,383 --> 00:18:55,291 He in the closet playing nasty games. 504 00:18:55,367 --> 00:18:58,419 Well, you know, the closet is not the issue, okay? 505 00:18:58,495 --> 00:19:00,629 He's walking around here terrified, 506 00:19:00,706 --> 00:19:02,390 and it's kind of your fault. 507 00:19:02,466 --> 00:19:03,465 How's it my fault? 508 00:19:03,542 --> 00:19:05,643 For not wanting to give him the talk. 509 00:19:09,256 --> 00:19:10,339 How is it my fault? 510 00:19:10,416 --> 00:19:11,348 How in the hell is it my fault? 511 00:19:11,425 --> 00:19:12,892 Because you didn't listen to me. 512 00:19:12,968 --> 00:19:14,476 Oh... 513 00:19:14,553 --> 00:19:16,145 Don't you think I know what I'm talking about by now? 514 00:19:16,222 --> 00:19:18,156 Hef, I know you know what you talking about, 515 00:19:18,232 --> 00:19:19,565 but I don't want that for the boy. 516 00:19:19,642 --> 00:19:22,285 Do you understand what I'm trying to tell you? 517 00:19:22,361 --> 00:19:24,236 I know he's going to become a man 518 00:19:24,313 --> 00:19:26,113 but, now that he's becoming a man, 519 00:19:26,190 --> 00:19:27,990 I want him to stay a little boy. 520 00:19:28,067 --> 00:19:31,118 Mm-hmm. But he's not Peter Pan, Bernie. 521 00:19:31,129 --> 00:19:33,329 Little boys do grow up to be men. 522 00:19:33,405 --> 00:19:35,956 Now I think you need to sit him down 523 00:19:35,967 --> 00:19:37,666 and have the talk. 524 00:19:37,743 --> 00:19:40,586 Guess I got no choice. 525 00:19:40,663 --> 00:19:42,671 Good. 526 00:19:42,748 --> 00:19:44,307 And, when you're done, 527 00:19:44,383 --> 00:19:46,475 you'll find me in the Grotto. 528 00:19:50,932 --> 00:19:52,723 Yeah, okay. 529 00:19:52,800 --> 00:19:57,895 America... okay. 530 00:19:57,972 --> 00:19:58,988 But she is pregnant. 531 00:19:59,065 --> 00:20:01,023 She is not, man. I guarantee she's not. 532 00:20:01,034 --> 00:20:02,291 But how do you know? 533 00:20:02,202 --> 00:20:04,026 Because I'm going to explain it to you. 534 00:20:04,103 --> 00:20:05,203 I'm going to tell you like it 't-i-is. 535 00:20:05,279 --> 00:20:06,862 Like what "t-i-is"? 536 00:20:06,939 --> 00:20:08,280 Sex, boy. Sex. 537 00:20:08,357 --> 00:20:10,115 You're going to tell me about sex? 538 00:20:10,192 --> 00:20:12,409 What the heck you think I'm talking about, Jordan? 539 00:20:12,486 --> 00:20:14,245 Now, you sure you really want to know? 540 00:20:14,321 --> 00:20:16,121 Because, once I start, ain't no turning back. 541 00:20:16,198 --> 00:20:17,873 I want to know everything. 542 00:20:17,884 --> 00:20:20,000 All right, here we go. 543 00:20:20,011 --> 00:20:22,720 See, you got this man and you got this woman. 544 00:20:24,790 --> 00:20:27,549 You do that? 545 00:20:27,626 --> 00:20:28,884 With Aunt Wanda? 546 00:20:28,961 --> 00:20:30,219 Ew! 547 00:20:30,296 --> 00:20:31,971 Well, it's not that bad, really. 548 00:20:31,981 --> 00:20:33,222 Nasty. 549 00:20:33,299 --> 00:20:34,765 I'm going to go throw up. 550 00:20:34,776 --> 00:20:36,725 I'm never going to do that. 551 00:20:36,736 --> 00:20:38,727 Ew!! Whew! 552 00:20:38,738 --> 00:20:40,938 (retching) 553 00:20:41,015 --> 00:20:42,365 Thank you. 554 00:20:42,441 --> 00:20:43,932 You see that? 555 00:20:44,010 --> 00:20:47,152 America, I guess I had less to worry about than I thought. 556 00:20:47,163 --> 00:20:49,154 Jordan's still a little boy, after all, 557 00:20:49,165 --> 00:20:51,749 and I'm going to enjoy it for as long as I can, 558 00:20:51,826 --> 00:20:54,743 because the attitude in there, it ain't going to last. 559 00:20:54,820 --> 00:20:56,045 It never does. 560 00:20:56,122 --> 00:20:58,455 See, time goes so fast, and before you know it, 561 00:20:58,532 --> 00:21:01,133 I'll be having that conversation with Baby Girl. 562 00:21:03,337 --> 00:21:05,096 Damn. 563 00:21:08,518 --> 00:21:10,509 I feel good about myself now, baby. 564 00:21:10,586 --> 00:21:12,720 Matter of fact, I'll take that drink. 565 00:21:12,796 --> 00:21:14,513 (chuckling) 566 00:21:14,590 --> 00:21:15,773 Thank you, baby. 567 00:21:15,850 --> 00:21:19,226 Right on, sweetie. You know. 568 00:21:19,303 --> 00:21:22,396 What you looking at, Hef? 569 00:21:22,407 --> 00:21:23,698 I'm a grown man. 570 00:21:23,774 --> 00:21:25,524 Tweedley-Dee, Tweedley-Dum-- 571 00:21:25,601 --> 00:21:28,485 cut off the lights and come get you some. 572 00:21:28,562 --> 00:21:31,163 Cut off the lights, America. 573 00:21:31,240 --> 00:21:32,239 You don't need to know everything. 574 00:21:32,316 --> 00:21:34,542 (laughter) 575 00:21:34,618 --> 00:21:36,794 Captioned by VISUAL DATA 40000

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