Original subtitles

Hey, Jordan.

Come on, let's go.

Where your books at?

No homework. No school tomorrow.

It's Take Your Child to Work Day. Remember?

I get to spend the whole day with you.

The students will deliver an oral presentation

about everything they learn, which will be graded.

Okay, Father, that's fine,

but some of us parents don't have no formal office.

Well, Mr. Mac, perhaps you could take your boy to the set

of one of your Hollywood movies

that celebrate Sodom and Gomorrah.

Or maybe you could teach him

one of your expletive-filled "comedy" routines.

Aw, you're crackin' but fackin'.

Bull's-eye.

America, you heard him insult my profession.

I didn't insult his profession.

America, it's supposed to be Take Your Child to Work Day.

That ain't right.

I take my child to their workday,

and now they're trying to pass the buck on me.

Oh, it's shameful... just damn shameful.

No. N-O. No.

Oh, come on, sweetheart.

At least, you know, you got your own office.

(laughs): I cannot take Jordan back to my office this soon.

Why? No, not after last time.

Are you kidding me?

The VP of marketing handed out a report

with a colored Xerox copy of Jordan's rear end on the cover.

(laughs) Oh, that's funny?

Uh-huh. Now his photo is at the security desk right next to the guy

who tried to cut Sheila's face in Accounting.

No, sir. He's all yours.

Please?

(scoffs)

Another banana nut.

Mmm.

You don't work, do you?

Watch your mouth, boy.

My "don't work" managed to take care of everybody in this house.

(doorbell rings)

Better yet... I got a business meeting right now.

(grunts)

I'll give you two reds. I'll give you two reds.

What are they going to do, big fella?

They offered to give me a new partner.

New partner. Partner.

Throw it in there, partner.

Partner. New partner, baby.

Hey, man, listen, man, you know, man,

Jordan had the nerve to tell me that don't none of us work.

What?

Yeah, hey, man, gi-gi-gi-give me two.

Hey, my wife works.

I'm saying, and I... and I called in sick.

Hey, man... you don't look sick.

I said I "called in" sick.

He don't listen. He don't listen.

You know what?

I'm working. I'm working, really.

This here, guys, is client relations.

Really. This is business.

All my losses are business deductions.

Yeah. And, by the look on your face right now,

you better get it off your face, because I'll tell you right now,

I don't need the IRS on my ass for another six years.

You better not say a thing. I don't want to hear it. Oh, back off.

JERRY: Watch yourself.

I'm not going to call 'em. I'm gonna call them now.

Hey, gang, you know it's just 11:00, man.

I mean, I got four more hours with that boy.

Oh, man, that's-that's messed up, partner.

Yeah, partner.

Partner.

Hey, Jerry.

What's up, man? Listen.

Why don't you take Jordan down to the office with you, man?

You know, I mean, just show him around for a little while, man.

I mean, let him see how you manage business.

Right.

You're kidding me, right? No. I'm serious.

That's awesome, Bernie.

Would you? Yeah, sure, absolutely. I'll do it. No problem.

Oh, man, and the business is over right there, man.

What's up, what's up?

(all talking over each other)

I'm putting in two.

Wow, Jordan, that's a really good question:

"What is an artist management company?"

Uh, well, it is a company

that, uh, manages, you know,

artists-- like actors, directors, and...

Acrobats?

No, not-not... no, not acrobats.

Angela Bassett called to say thank you for the jukebox.

Right. I sent your sister an orchid and signed the card,

"If you were born first, why do I look so much older?"

Right. And I exchanged the foot massager for this tiny fan.

Thank you, Orlando.

Uh, this is Bernie Mac's nephew, Jordan.

Nice to meet you. Orlando's my personal assistant, Jordan.

Jordan is here today to learn about our office

for a school project.

Oh. Well, where to begin?

The snack room is just past the elevators.

The men's room combination is 222.

Just think, 'Not two complicated.'

And today is the first day of principal photography

on Renee Zellweger's new movie.

We're sending her a jukebox.

Thank you very much.

You know, Jordan, when I was your age,

that's when I first decided I wanted to be a manager.

How old are you now?

How old am...? Oh, isn't that cute?

You're going to write it down. I'm 28.

Jerry Best's office. This is Jordan.

How may I help you?

Rick Moranis?

Uh, mmm...

I'm sorry. Mr. Best's having knee surgery right now.

I will.

And so the student becomes the master.

Hey, what's up, porcupine? Come on, let's go.

How you doing, man? Good.

Excuse me.

May I help you? Yes, I'm here

for the commercial audition.

Which commercial?

Malvert's Department Store. Malvert's?

I love Malvert's.

They're the only store that still sells child clip-on ties.

Oh, it's for school. He wears a uniform.

But wait, are they getting a new Magic Malvert?

Apparently, because...

BOTH: "At Malvert's, we make high prices disappear."

Come on, come on.

But that's not how magicians say it.

I mean, no offense, but magicians usually have a cape.

What about your jacket?

And magicians need a flourish.

Here, watch this.

At Malvert's, we make high prices... disappear.

Bernie Mac? Hey, my man.

Louie Malvert.

Oh, hey, hey, how you doing, sir?

So, the king of comedy

meets the king of instant designer knock-offs.

That was my nickname in the '70s.

Oh, okay. Oh, there's no reason you should know that.

Uh-uh. I'm a huge fan.

Thank you, sir. Thank you.

So, uh, is this little fella a client of the agency?

No, this fella here-- this is my nephew.

He's here on a school project.

Well, we were thinking

he might want to try out for Magic Malvert.

What? Me? Magic Malvert?

Oh, my God, I'm going to get the best grade in the class.

It's all thanks to you.

Chill out, son. Chill out.

Hey, handsome, how was your day at the office?

Great. Guess what.

I got my first commercial.

My call time's at 7:00 tomorrow morning in Alhambra.

What?

Baby, the boy is so excited.

I mean, he called half his class

from the car on the way home.

Well, you know,

I-I don't think Jordan should do this, honey.

He's young, you know, and show business

is full of disappointments and rejection.

Why? The boy already got the job.

Mr. Malvert made the final decision himself.

Plus, it'll give him a good work ethic-- help him save a little.

Well, does he have to miss school?

They made him miss school today.

This'll help him get a good grade.

He did seem excited.

He is excited. Oh, yeah.

Now he's going to help his sisters get a job

selling shoes or laying concrete--

help them start paying their way.

Since I'm in show business now,

I don't have time for my personal affairs.

That's where you come in.

As my personal assistant, you'll be my ambassador

to the world. What?

I'll pay you a quarter a day.

A quarter a day?

But I need someone I can trust completely.

You can trust me.

I hear you, but I also know you happen to be an excellent liar.

But it may be helpful for me to have an excellent liar

on staff.

Orlando says all the best personal assistants

are excellent liars.

Stars expect that.

I love lying.

Okay, let's try it out.

Aunt Wanda comes home and asks you to get me

so I can try on some new school clothes.

Jordan can't right now, because he's taking a poo.

Perfect.

I thought Aunt Wanda asked Jordan to mop.

She did.

Jordan's paying me to be his personal assistant.

(scoffs): I can't believe he would use you to...

Wait, how much is he paying you?

A quarter a day.

What if I gave you 35 cents a day?

Would I have to give up my Jordan job?

Hey, as long as you haul the newspapers

out to the recycling bin by 6:00,

you can spend the rest of the day on the roof

as far as I care.

Yes!

But let's not mention it to Uncle Bernie or Aunt Wanda.

They might not think

it's appropriate for a seven-year-old

to be making that much money.

Don't worry. I won't say a thing.

Jordan said I'm an excellent liar.

Good.

MAN: Malvert's Department Store commercial, take 12.

Action.

Because at Malvert's, we make high prices... disappear.

(sighs)

Still rolling.

Again. Still rolling people.

Ten percent less whirl, Jordan.

Gotcha.

And... go.

Because at Malvert's, we make high prices... disappear.

Okay. Okay.

90% less whirl.

But... then there's no whirl.

Cut!

You know what?

We are on break.

Oh, okay. Uh... B?

Uh... listen.

This is the hardest part of my job as a manager.

What is?

Telling my client

to tell his nephew that he's fired.

What? Yeah, Bernie, old man Malvert

has lost faith in Jordan.

He says that he's more, uh...

spastic than he remembers.

Come on, Jerry, there's got to be something we can do.

What am I supposed to do?

I have tried everything.

I ain't tried.

(clears throat)

Hi, um, Mr. Malvert. Yeah.

Listen, if you fire that little boy,

I'm telling you, you're just going to break his little heart.

Well, I'm sorry, Mr. Mac.

Look, Mr. Malvert, maybe there's something I can do,

like... help him with his lines or... with his whirl

or something like that.

Well, I suppose there is one thing.

Good. Name it.

You got it. You got it.

I will keep the boy on the commercial... Good.

if you do it with him.

W-Wow. Um, listen, man,

I mean, me and the boy do this commercial together?

Yeah.

JORDAN: The two of us.

We're gonna be in the commercial together?

This may be the single best day of my life.

Even better than the time

they revived me in the park.

DIRECTOR: Malvert's Department Store commercial. Take 17. Action!

Why they call you Magic Malvert?

Because, at Malvert's...

we make high prices disappear.

DIRECTOR: S-Still rolling.

Uh... that was good, Mr. Mac.

That was very, very good.

Um, except this time, I'd like you to add

a little more, um, hail-fellow-well-met.

What? All right?

And... go.

So, why do they call you Magic Malvert?

Because, at Malvert's...

we make high prices disappear!

Mmm. Yes. Ten percent more hail-fellow.

Ten percent people. Ten percent.

America, if I let the boy stay at home with me,

none of this would've happened.

But no. I passed the buck to Jerry.

I'm no better than those Catholic school teachers.

And now look at me wearing this crazy outfit

like one of those Catholic school students.

This cape don't breathe.

Look at this. Fortune teller.

Quiet. Here it comes.

MAN (on TV): Why do they call you Magic Malvert?

BERNIE: Because, at Malvert's...

we make high prices disappear.

MAN (on TV): Nine locations across the Southland.

Ooh, honey, they cut his part.

I see that. What? You stole my commercial!

I'm firing Jerry Best!

No. No.

No, no, no.

Billy called to say, "You're a liar."

(Jordan groans)

And Jackie, from the fifth grade,

she called just to laugh at you,

but I told her, "We will return."

(Jordan groans)

Anything else?

No. I'm too depressed.

Hey, Jordan.

There's other people need to use the washroom, too, you know.

You have your own bathroom.

Oh, you have to steal my bathroom, too.

Ste...? Now you listen up.

I'm not asking you, I'm telling you:

Unlock this door.

Oh, why don't you just make the lock disappear?

I'll whup him up.

Hey, little mama. What are you still doing up?

Just two more pots to go.

Isn't it Vanessa's week to do the dishes?

Nope. Uh... I traded my ice cream sandwich

just to scrub her pots.

(chuckles nervously): Oh. Hey, Aunt Wanda.

Didn't see you there.

Obviously.

I was just thinking how unusual it is

that your little sister

would give up her ice cream sandwich

so she could wash your pots and pans.

She said she traded her ice cream sandwich

just to scrub pots and pans?

Mmm.

You are a terrible liar.

Okay, look, Jordan had already hired her

to be his personal assistant,

so I decided to let her be my assistant, too.

Hmm. She pays me.

She does, does she?

Sweetie, do you know how much allowance

your Uncle Bernie and I pay your sister

in exchange for her doing her chores?

75 cents?

Uh-uh.

A hundred cents?

$20.

See, that would be 2,000 cents.

And how much does she pay you?

35 cents!

Ow!

Aunt Wanda.

Oh, you lucky I don't kick you in your other leg.

Next week, you'll be doing Bryana's chores.

But don't worry, see?

We're going to pay you Bryana's allowance.

And Bryana, next week,

you'll be getting Vanessa's allowance.

I like hospital corners on my bed.

Uncle Bernie, your commercial's on again!

Because, at Malvert's...

we make high prices disappear.

I don't know.

That wasn't so bad.

Yo, what's up, man?

Randy?

Bernie, how you doin', man?

What you doin', doin' these crazy commercials, dawg?

What's up with you, man?

I mean, I'm doing it for the kid, man.

I'm all right. I did it for the kid, man.

I don't know, baby.

It really wasn't kickin' for me, dawg.

I was, like, I was not really

quite feeling it at all, actually.

What? Paula, what you think, man?

Paula?

Um, well, the camera seems to love you, your nice eyes.

You have a great smile. All right.

The tone to your voice is nice.

So that mean you like it, baby?

No, it was horrible.

As a matter of fact,

I'd be embarrassed if I were you.

Hold on. Wait a minute. I thought you was the nice one.

You were pitchy, too.

What's "pitchy"?

Actually, dawg, nobody really knows what "pitchy" mean,

but she's right-- it was horrible.

You know, y'all got a lot of nerve, man,

come up here, man, try to criticize me.

It's bad enough y'all criticize America.

You know, who left y'all in charge, Randy?

You know, you got everybody fooled

like you Michael Jackson's brother.

You took work from Randy.

You know, Paula, you know, you sitting up there,

you pretty and everything, you know, but y'all criticize everybody.

You all got all of America, people fooled.

People scared to sing.

(laughing) You know, you know,

and can't none of y'all sing and y'all judging.

Ain't that a...?

Let's move on.

MALVERT: Mr. Mac,

you can't blame me.

When I saw you at the stage with that boy...

You knew you was gonna cut Jordan out that commercial

when you first came and asked me.

That's how confident I was

that you would have the acting chops to pull it off.

All right, listen up, old man.

I done Magic Malvert for the last time.

Ooh, well, I got a contract that says otherwise.

I'm going on The Tonight Show day after tomorrow,

and they're always asking me for some interesting stories.

There's no such thing as bad publicity.

Oh, but this will be some badass publicity.

That would be slander.

No.

It'd be a funny story.

Listen, Mr. Malvert,

we're both reasonable men.

Why don't you play the boy's commercial just once?

Just once.

See, this is really important

to you, isn't it, Mr. Mac?

Mr. Malvert, it means the world to me.

And if you do this for me,

you'll have a friend in the Mac man for life.

I'll tell you what.

What?

I'll run the commercial...

Thank you.

...if you do the Malvert's trade show in Cincinnati.

You dirty...

What?

Thought I'd be in Cincinnati?

You "cwazy," America.

The boy'll get over his disappointment.

Shoot.

What?

I did enough.

You saw me do that stupid commercial.

Trying to embarrass me.

Bernie Mac make something go "Poof."

America, I've been doing comedy for over 20 years.

I ain't never had to say "Poof" before in my life.

It's undignified.

FATHER: Well done, Benjamin.

Robert Blake sadly is

a lucky man to have your father's legal representation.

Up next, Father, Jordan Tompkins,

who spent the day with his Uncle Bernie Mac

and... (clears throat)

his uncle's manager, Mr. Gerard Best.

As you all know, I filmed a commercial

for Malvert's department store.

Yeah, right, and then you made it disappear.

(kids laughing) You know,

it's a sin to lie.

Um, Sister Eileen,

that means Jordan's going to hell, right?

(scattered chuckling)

Hey, no one's going to hell.

Well, now, that tends to contradict

one of our central positions of our institution.

Look, Father, if Jordan say he was in the commercial,

then he was in the commercial.

This is the tape they didn't want you all to see.

JORDAN: Why do they call you Magic Malvert?

BERNIE: Because, at Malvert's...

we make high prices disappear.

I went back to the production-- I talked to the editor.

They cut you out.

That's right.

They used an innocent child

just to get to his more famous uncle.

And you know what that conniving trickery is called?

Show business.

It'll chew up your dreams

and spit them out like... like spit.

Roy.

You think you're going to be a rap star?

And Allison,

a Broadway dancer?

Just because you got talent?

And Petey, do you really think the world

will appreciate your bird whistling talents

as much as I do?

Well, let me tell you something, children,

stay in school because show business,

it'll bite you in the booty!

Jordan.

I'll allow it.

'Cause I agree with the message.

Jordan's right, children.

Show business will bite you in the booty... hard.

Excellent report, Jordan.

I'm giving you an "A."

Ow.

See that, America?

I do have magical power.

Bernie Mac made bad feelings disappear.

Like what, Bernie, make him (bleep)?

Stop it. No, I'm serious.

What if...? I've tried everything.

Okay? I've tried everything.

Okay, okay, let me try something.

-Uh... Mr. Malvert, um... -Yeah,sonny?

You a rotten son of a (bleep), you know that? (laughing)

Who the hell do you think you are,

the King of Comedy?

Captioned by VISUAL DATA