All language subtitles for The.Bernie.Mac.Show.S03E18.That.Old.Mac.Magic.1080p.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-squalor_track3_[eng]

Hey, Jordan.

Come on, let's go.

Where your books at?

No homework.
No school tomorrow.

It's Take Your Child
to Work Day. Remember?

I get to spend
the whole day with you.

The students will
deliver an oral
presentation

about everything
they learn, which
will be graded.

Okay, Father, that's fine,

but some of us parents
don't have no formal office.

Well, Mr. Mac, perhaps you could
take your boy to the set

of one of your Hollywood movies

that celebrate
Sodom and Gomorrah.

Or maybe you
could teach him

one of your expletive-filled
"comedy" routines.

Aw, you're crackin' but fackin'.

Bull's-eye.

America, you heard him insult
my profession.

I didn't insult his profession.

America, it's supposed to be
Take Your Child to Work Day.

That ain't right.

I take my child
to their workday,

and now they're trying
to pass the buck on me.

Oh, it's shameful...
just damn shameful.

No. N-O. No.

Oh, come on, sweetheart.

At least, you know,
you got your own office.

(laughs):
I cannot take Jordan
back to my office this soon.

Why?
No, not after last time.

Are you kidding me?

The VP of marketing
handed out a report

with a colored Xerox copy of
Jordan's rear end on the cover.

(laughs)
Oh, that's funny?

Uh-huh.
Now his photo is at the
security desk right next to
the guy

who tried to cut Sheila's face
in Accounting.

No, sir. He's all yours.

Please?

(scoffs)

Another banana nut.

Mmm.

You don't work, do you?

Watch your mouth, boy.

My "don't work" managed to take
care of everybody in this house.

(doorbell rings)

Better yet... I got
a business meeting right now.

(grunts)

I'll give you two reds.
I'll give you two reds.

What are they going to do,
big fella?

They offered to give
me a new partner.

New partner.
Partner.

Throw it in
there, partner.

Partner.
New partner, baby.

Hey, man, listen, man,
you know, man,

Jordan had the nerve to tell me
that don't none of us work.

What?

Yeah, hey, man,
gi-gi-gi-give me two.

Hey, my wife works.

I'm saying, and I...
and I called in sick.

Hey, man... you
don't look sick.

I said I "called in" sick.

He don't listen.
He don't listen.

You know what?

I'm working.
I'm working, really.

This here, guys,
is client relations.

Really. This is business.

All my losses
are business deductions.

Yeah. And, by the look
on your face right now,

you better get it off
your face, because I'll
tell you right now,

I don't need the IRS on my ass
for another six years.

You better not say a thing.
I don't want to hear it.
Oh, back off.

JERRY:
Watch yourself.

I'm not going to call 'em.
I'm gonna call them now.

Hey, gang, you know
it's just 11:00, man.

I mean, I got four more
hours with that boy.

Oh, man, that's-that's
messed up, partner.

Yeah, partner.

Partner.

Hey, Jerry.

What's up, man?
Listen.

Why don't you take Jordan down
to the office with you, man?

You know, I mean,
just show him around
for a little while, man.

I mean, let him see
how you manage business.

Right.

You're kidding me, right?
No. I'm serious.

That's awesome, Bernie.

Would you?
Yeah, sure, absolutely.
I'll do it. No problem.

Oh, man, and the business
is over right there, man.

What's up,
what's up?

(all talking over each other)

I'm putting in two.

Wow, Jordan, that's
a really good question:

"What is an artist
management company?"

Uh, well, it is a company

that, uh, manages,
you know,

artists-- like actors,
directors, and...

Acrobats?

No, not-not...
no, not acrobats.

Angela Bassett called to say
thank you for the jukebox.

Right.
I sent your sister an orchid
and signed the card,

"If you were born first,
why do I look so much older?"

Right.
And I exchanged the foot
massager for this tiny fan.

Thank you, Orlando.

Uh, this is Bernie Mac's
nephew, Jordan.

Nice to meet you.
Orlando's my personal
assistant, Jordan.

Jordan is here today
to learn about our office

for a school project.

Oh. Well,
where to begin?

The snack room is just
past the elevators.

The men's room
combination is 222.

Just think, 'Not
two complicated.'

And today is the first day
of principal photography

on Renee Zellweger's
new movie.

We're sending
her a jukebox.

Thank you very much.

You know, Jordan,
when I was your age,

that's when I first decided
I wanted to be a manager.

How old are you now?

How old am...?
Oh, isn't that cute?

You're going to write it down.
I'm 28.

Jerry Best's office.
This is Jordan.

How may I help you?

Rick Moranis?

Uh, mmm...

I'm sorry. Mr. Best's having
knee surgery right now.

I will.

And so the student
becomes the master.

Hey, what's up, porcupine?
Come on, let's go.

How you doing, man?
Good.

Excuse me.

May I help you?
Yes, I'm here

for the commercial audition.

Which commercial?

Malvert's Department Store.
Malvert's?

I love Malvert's.

They're the only store
that still sells
child clip-on ties.

Oh, it's for school.
He wears a uniform.

But wait, are
they getting a
new Magic Malvert?

Apparently, because...

BOTH:
"At Malvert's, we make
high prices disappear."

Come on, come on.

But that's not how
magicians say it.

I mean, no offense, but
magicians usually have a cape.

What about your jacket?

And magicians
need a flourish.

Here, watch this.

At Malvert's, we make
high prices... disappear.

Bernie Mac?
Hey, my man.

Louie Malvert.

Oh, hey, hey,
how you doing, sir?

So, the king of comedy

meets the king
of instant designer knock-offs.

That was my nickname
in the '70s.

Oh, okay.
Oh, there's no reason
you should know that.

Uh-uh.
I'm a huge fan.

Thank you, sir. Thank you.

So, uh, is this
little fella a
client of the agency?

No, this fella here--
this is my nephew.

He's here
on a school project.

Well, we were thinking

he might want to try out
for Magic Malvert.

What? Me?
Magic Malvert?

Oh, my God, I'm
going to get the best
grade in the class.

It's all thanks to you.

Chill out, son. Chill out.

Hey, handsome,
how was your
day at the office?

Great. Guess what.

I got my first
commercial.

My call time's
at 7:00 tomorrow
morning in Alhambra.

What?

Baby, the boy is so excited.

I mean, he called
half his class

from the car
on the way home.

Well, you know,

I-I don't think
Jordan should do this, honey.

He's young, you know,
and show business

is full of disappointments
and rejection.

Why? The boy already
got the job.

Mr. Malvert made the
final decision himself.

Plus, it'll give him
a good work ethic--
help him save a little.

Well, does he have
to miss school?

They made him
miss school today.

This'll help him
get a good grade.

He did seem excited.

He is excited.
Oh, yeah.

Now he's going to help
his sisters get a job

selling shoes or
laying concrete--

help them start
paying their way.

Since I'm
in show business now,

I don't have time
for my personal affairs.

That's where you come in.

As my personal assistant,
you'll be my ambassador

to the world.
What?

I'll pay you a quarter a day.

A quarter a day?

But I need someone
I can trust completely.

You can trust me.

I hear you, but I also know you
happen to be an excellent liar.

But it may be helpful for me
to have an excellent liar

on staff.

Orlando says all
the best personal assistants

are excellent liars.

Stars expect that.

I love lying.

Okay, let's
try it out.

Aunt Wanda comes home
and asks you to get me

so I can try on
some new school clothes.

Jordan can't right now,
because he's taking a poo.

Perfect.

I thought Aunt Wanda
asked Jordan to mop.

She did.

Jordan's paying me to be
his personal assistant.

(scoffs):
I can't believe
he would use you to...

Wait, how much
is he paying you?

A quarter a day.

What if I gave you 35 cents
a day?

Would I have to give up
my Jordan job?

Hey, as long as you haul
the newspapers

out to the recycling bin
by 6:00,

you can spend the rest
of the day on the roof

as far as I care.

Yes!

But let's not mention it
to Uncle Bernie or Aunt Wanda.

They might not think

it's appropriate
for a seven-year-old

to be making that much money.

Don't worry.
I won't say a thing.

Jordan said
I'm an excellent liar.

Good.

MAN:
Malvert's Department Store
commercial, take 12.

Action.

Because at Malvert's, we make
high prices... disappear.

(sighs)

Still rolling.

Again.
Still rolling people.

Ten percent less
whirl, Jordan.

Gotcha.

And... go.

Because at Malvert's, we make
high prices... disappear.

Okay. Okay.

90% less whirl.

But... then there's no whirl.

Cut!

You know what?

We are on break.

Oh, okay. Uh... B?

Uh... listen.

This is the hardest part
of my job as a manager.

What is?

Telling my client

to tell his nephew
that he's fired.

What?
Yeah, Bernie,
old man Malvert

has lost faith in Jordan.

He says that
he's more, uh...

spastic than he remembers.

Come on, Jerry, there's got
to be something we can do.

What am I
supposed to do?

I have tried
everything.

I ain't tried.

(clears throat)

Hi, um, Mr. Malvert.
Yeah.

Listen, if you fire
that little boy,

I'm telling you, you're just
going to break his little heart.

Well, I'm sorry,
Mr. Mac.

Look, Mr. Malvert, maybe
there's something I can do,

like... help him with his lines
or... with his whirl

or something like that.

Well, I suppose
there is one thing.

Good. Name it.

You got it. You got it.

I will keep the boy
on the commercial...
Good.

if you do it with him.

W-Wow. Um, listen, man,

I mean, me and the boy
do this commercial together?

Yeah.

JORDAN:
The two of us.

We're gonna be
in the commercial together?

This may be the single
best day of my life.

Even better
than the time

they revived me in the park.

DIRECTOR: Malvert's
Department Store commercial.
Take 17. Action!

Why they call you
Magic Malvert?

Because, at Malvert's...

we make high prices
disappear.

DIRECTOR:
S-Still rolling.

Uh... that was
good, Mr. Mac.

That was very,
very good.

Um, except this time,
I'd like you to add

a little more, um,
hail-fellow-well-met.

What?
All right?

And... go.

So, why do they call
you Magic Malvert?

Because, at Malvert's...

we make high prices
disappear!

Mmm. Yes. Ten percent
more hail-fellow.

Ten percent people.
Ten percent.

America, if I let the boy
stay at home with me,

none of this would've happened.

But no. I passed the
buck to Jerry.

I'm no better than those
Catholic school teachers.

And now look at me
wearing this crazy outfit

like one of those Catholic
school students.

This cape don't breathe.

Look at this. Fortune teller.

Quiet. Here it comes.

MAN (on TV):
Why do they call you
Magic Malvert?

BERNIE:
Because, at Malvert's...

we make high prices disappear.

MAN (on TV):
Nine locations across the
Southland.

Ooh, honey, they
cut his part.

I see that.
What? You stole
my commercial!

I'm firing Jerry Best!

No. No.

No, no, no.

Billy called to say,
"You're a liar."

(Jordan groans)

And Jackie,
from the fifth grade,

she called just to laugh at you,

but I told her,
"We will return."

(Jordan groans)

Anything else?

No. I'm too depressed.

Hey, Jordan.

There's other people need to
use the washroom, too, you know.

You have your
own bathroom.

Oh, you have to steal
my bathroom, too.

Ste...? Now you listen up.

I'm not asking you,
I'm telling you:

Unlock this door.

Oh, why don't you just
make the lock disappear?

I'll whup him up.

Hey, little mama.
What are you still doing up?

Just two more pots to go.

Isn't it Vanessa's week
to do the dishes?

Nope. Uh... I traded
my ice cream sandwich

just to scrub her pots.

(chuckles nervously):
Oh. Hey, Aunt Wanda.

Didn't see you there.

Obviously.

I was just thinking
how unusual it is

that your little sister

would give up
her ice cream sandwich

so she could wash
your pots and pans.

She said she traded
her ice cream sandwich

just to scrub pots and pans?

Mmm.

You are a terrible liar.

Okay, look,
Jordan had already hired her

to be his personal assistant,

so I decided
to let her be my assistant, too.

Hmm.
She pays me.

She does, does she?

Sweetie, do you know
how much allowance

your Uncle Bernie and I
pay your sister

in exchange
for her doing her chores?

75 cents?

Uh-uh.

A hundred cents?

$20.

See, that would
be 2,000 cents.

And how much
does she pay you?

35 cents!

Ow!

Aunt Wanda.

Oh, you lucky I don't kick you
in your other leg.

Next week,
you'll be doing Bryana's chores.

But don't worry, see?

We're going to pay you
Bryana's allowance.

And Bryana, next week,

you'll be getting
Vanessa's allowance.

I like hospital
corners on my bed.

Uncle Bernie,
your commercial's on again!

Because, at Malvert's...

we make high prices disappear.

I don't know.

That wasn't so bad.

Yo, what's up, man?

Randy?

Bernie,
how you doin', man?

What you doin', doin' these
crazy commercials, dawg?

What's up with you, man?

I mean, I'm doing
it for the kid, man.

I'm all right. I did
it for the kid, man.

I don't know, baby.

It really wasn't kickin'
for me, dawg.

I was, like,
I was not really

quite feeling it
at all, actually.

What?
Paula,
what you think, man?

Paula?

Um, well, the camera seems
to love you, your nice eyes.

You have a great smile.
All right.

The tone to your
voice is nice.

So that mean you like it, baby?

No, it was horrible.

As a matter of fact,

I'd be embarrassed
if I were you.

Hold on. Wait a minute.
I thought you was the nice one.

You were pitchy, too.

What's "pitchy"?

Actually, dawg,
nobody really knows
what "pitchy" mean,

but she's right--
it was horrible.

You know,
y'all got a lot of nerve, man,

come up here, man,
try to criticize me.

It's bad enough y'all
criticize America.

You know, who left
y'all in charge, Randy?

You know,
you got everybody fooled

like you Michael Jackson's
brother.

You took work from Randy.

You know, Paula, you know,
you sitting up there,

you pretty and
everything, you know,
but y'all criticize everybody.

You all got all of America,
people fooled.

People scared to sing.

(laughing)
You know, you know,

and can't none of y'all
sing and y'all judging.

Ain't that a...?

Let's move on.

MALVERT:
Mr. Mac,

you can't blame me.

When I saw you at the
stage with that boy...

You knew you was gonna
cut Jordan out that commercial

when you first came
and asked me.

That's how confident I was

that you would have the
acting chops to pull it off.

All right,
listen up, old man.

I done Magic Malvert
for the last time.

Ooh, well,
I got a contract
that says otherwise.

I'm going on The Tonight Show
day after tomorrow,

and they're always asking me
for some interesting stories.

There's no such thing
as bad publicity.

Oh, but this will be
some badass publicity.

That would be slander.

No.

It'd be a funny story.

Listen, Mr. Malvert,

we're both
reasonable men.

Why don't you play
the boy's commercial just once?

Just once.

See, this is
really important

to you,
isn't it, Mr. Mac?

Mr. Malvert,
it means the world to me.

And if you do this for me,

you'll have a friend
in the Mac man for life.

I'll tell you what.

What?

I'll run the commercial...

Thank you.

...if you do the Malvert's
trade show in Cincinnati.

You dirty...

What?

Thought I'd be in Cincinnati?

You "cwazy," America.

The boy'll get over
his disappointment.

Shoot.

What?

I did enough.

You saw me
do that stupid commercial.

Trying to embarrass me.

Bernie Mac make something
go "Poof."

America, I've been doing
comedy for over 20 years.

I ain't never had to say "Poof"
before in my life.

It's undignified.

FATHER:
Well done, Benjamin.

Robert Blake sadly is

a lucky man to have your
father's legal representation.

Up next, Father,
Jordan Tompkins,

who spent the day with
his Uncle Bernie Mac

and... (clears throat)

his uncle's manager,
Mr. Gerard Best.

As you all know,
I filmed a commercial

for Malvert's
department store.

Yeah, right,
and then you made it disappear.

(kids laughing)
You know,

it's a sin to lie.

Um, Sister Eileen,

that means Jordan's
going to hell, right?

(scattered chuckling)

Hey, no one's
going to hell.

Well, now,
that tends to contradict

one of our central positions
of our institution.

Look, Father, if Jordan say
he was in the commercial,

then he was in the commercial.

This is the tape they
didn't want you all to see.

JORDAN:
Why do they call
you Magic Malvert?

BERNIE:
Because, at Malvert's...

we make high
prices disappear.

I went back to the production--
I talked to the editor.

They cut you out.

That's right.

They used an innocent child

just to get
to his more famous uncle.

And you know what that
conniving trickery is called?

Show business.

It'll chew
up your dreams

and spit them out
like... like spit.

Roy.

You think you're going
to be a rap star?

And Allison,

a Broadway dancer?

Just because you got talent?

And Petey,
do you really think the world

will appreciate
your bird whistling talents

as much as I do?

Well, let me
tell you something, children,

stay in school
because show business,

it'll bite you in the booty!

Jordan.

I'll allow it.

'Cause I agree
with the message.

Jordan's right, children.

Show business will bite you
in the booty... hard.

Excellent report, Jordan.

I'm giving you an "A."

Ow.

See that, America?

I do have magical power.

Bernie Mac
made bad feelings disappear.

Like what, Bernie,
make him (bleep)?

Stop it.
No, I'm serious.

What if...? I've
tried everything.

Okay? I've
tried everything.

Okay, okay,
let me try something.

-Uh... Mr. Malvert, um...
-Yeah,sonny?

You a rotten son of a (bleep),
you know that?
(laughing)

Who the hell do
you think you are,

the King of Comedy?

Captioned by VISUAL DATA