Original subtitles

Hey, Uncle Bernie! How you doing?

Good. Put 'er there.

Man, get that out of my face. I see what you do with your hands.

But they're clean! I swear!

Oh, they're clean, huh?

Let me see you smell your thumb.

(inhaling deeply)

Mmm! Like a Carolina pine forest.

(laughing): Is that right?

The shaky hand-- smell that one.

No, like this.

Yeah. Ow! Ow!

Nice try, boy.

Clean yourself up.

(buzzer whirs)

Pranks! America, I love 'em!

I been prankin' them kids since they got here.

They can't prank me, oh, no!

'Cause you're looking at the master pranksman.

Want to see some of Bernie Mac classics?

Pay attention.

(groans)

Uncle Bernie, can you help me?

What's up?

I need to get my coat, but the door's stuck.

Your door's stuck, huh?

Nice try, Nessa.

Give you A for effort.

Now clean it up.

(squeals) Help!

I'm telling you, man, I'm so doggone good,

I should teach a class.

What'd you think about that, Ashton?

That was good. That was a quality prank.

I'm telling you, baby. Now, you're a master pranksman yourself.

Now, you tell me, the Mac Man,

what makes a good trickster, baby?

You have to have a devious mind.

Tell everybody.

You have to have that devious, set, like, that thing

that makes you want to hurt people.

Diabolical. Uh-huh.

Like you. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah, that little...

I see it; you got it in the eye.

Yeah, I got it, man, you know.

I know you have it.

I'm telling you, boy. But you right.

But you also got to have good timing,

like a good comedian.

This is true.

I got that heartbeat like that.

Yeah, but let's not forget the one thing

that makes a good prank a great prank.

Gasoline, gunpowder, matches.

I, I, I, haven't tried that.

I was going to say a camera crew.

What's a camera crew got to do with it?

You have to record the event.

So other people can laugh at the person.

Like... (laughing)

But if you don't have the camera, you can't do that.

(clears throat)

He's young.

Hey, baby!

WANDA: Yeah?

I don't know if I dig Halle Berry with this long hair.

I mean, don't get me wrong, she's still a fine nine,

but she was a ten.

Honey, Halle's not checking for you.

And I ain't checkin' for Halle.

I'm checkin' for you, because you're 11 and a half.

Keep talkin' that smack.

Ooh!

What's wrong, Halle Berry?

Honey, that's a rat right there.

A rat right where?

That ain't no rat.

That's probably the kids playing a prank.

They been trying to get me all week.

That ain't no rat.

You know, America, I feel bad for them kids.

They're like lambs to the slaughter.

Hey, I'm un-prankable.

A master not only of pranks, but counter-prank-a-patation.

(sinister laugh)

My defense make the '85 Bears look real soft.

Got it?

I'm telling you...

granted, the thing look real,

and everything, you know.

I give the kids credit for that.

I can tell, 'cause see how its ears lay back...

Babe, there's a rat in here.

Look at that, baby, it is a real rat!

Oh, Lord...!

Honey, don't...

Are you...? Don't pass out!

Ooh! Honey?

And your Uncle Bernie thinks he is so un-prankable.

Oh, but when he found out it was real,

he jumped up on the bed and said, "Aah!"

"Oh, Lord!" And dropped like a lie!

(all laughing)

Whoo, we got him so good.

Oh, oh... where's the nasty little thing, anyway?

I don't know.

He jumped out of the box before I put the lid on.

What?! Aunt Wanda, he was fast!

And he was all zigzagging!

WANDA: Uh... uh...

In here?

Cahoots! It's a conspiracy!

And Wanda the ringleader. Scandalous.

Why would she go and join up with them?

American women, y'all better learn

which side your bread is buttered.

Hey, baby.

Hmm?

Baby... Hmm?

We got to deal with this rat business.

I'm talking about quickly and permanently.

Oh, uh, yeah, uh, I guess you're right.

(grunts)

Maybe we should look into

one of those healthy traps, uh...

you know, something, um... humane?

Healthy trap, huh?

Yeah. All right.

I'll handle it.

Okay.

Humane.

I'm opting for something cruel and unusual,

but I'm going to handle it.

She's making a mistake, y'all.

'Cause when you bring a rat in the Mac Man house,

it's no longer a game, baby.

It's war.

And Bernie Mac got a secret weapon: chemical warfare.

(chuckles) Okay.

Hoo. Bring it on.

Ya dirty rat.

(door shuts)

Hey, baby.

Thank God you're back.

Don't tell me-- that rat again.

It's worse. It's a dead dog, and it's back here.

Aw...

BERNIE: Come out here and get me, man.

What you talking about?

WANDA: I gotta show you something.

It better be good.

Oh, it's better than good.

We've got a situation.

I found the rat poison,

and how could you be so irresponsible?

Me?! It's your fault. My fault?!

Doggone right! You tried to prank me with that rat.

I heard you in there talking to the kids.

Okay, fine. That was a prank, all right?

You left the poison out,

and it turned into something a little bit more serious.

Aw... Aw! Look at that!

Dog! Look at that! He foaming at the mouth!

Cover it back up, sweetheart-- go on!

He's foaming at the mouth, 'cause that's the poison.

I think we should call Animal Control.

Yeah. Poor little thing.

He wasn't bothering nobody.

I'm going to go on in and get a pitchfork and a wok.

You know what? I think you've done enough.

Why don't you just go inside, and I'll handle this.

Okay.

Go!

This is horrible, America.

I was just aiming to kill a vermin,

but a dead dog, that's man's best friend.

I'm lucky it was a stray.

Nobody lost a friend tonight.

That's the good thing about it.

Nobody lost a friend.

Bernie, I-I don't think that pranks

are supposed to have body counts.

Not another word, Ashton, okay?

You either.

That's just wrong.

I know it is.

It's a dog.

I killed it.

Didn't you ever see Old Yeller?

No. What was that about?

How do you think that little boy...

about the dog... died from the thing.

I'm going to feel bad...

Where the Red Fern Grows?

I feel bad enough, Ashton. I don't need all that.

I feel like a gang-banger.

I killed my dog.

(stifled sob)

America, I learned my lesson.

This war has had one casualty too many.

I've pranked my last prank.

The high priest of hijinks

is hanging up his whoopee cushion.

(blatting and squeaking)

(sighs)

(groans)

(announcers calling game on TV)

(scary music playing)

(Jordan and Vanessa laughing)

(laughing)

(basketball game changes to scary music playing)

Dang. He stopped flipping.

Huh?

Look at them stupid kids.

And I'm not even pranking back.

And that's the best they can do.

They're lucky I hung up my guns.

But they keep it up,

I'm still not above a ass-whuppin',

and that's almost as good as a prank.

(doorbell rings)

(whistling)

Hey, Carl!

How you doing?

Not too good, uh...

My dog Morrie, he's missing.

Morrie?

I didn't know you had a dog.

That poor fellow's been house-bound

since he was hit by a car six years ago.

Don't ever take your hips for granted.

Two good hips-- they don't come easy.

Yeah. That's too bad.

How long he been missing?

Well, Morrie likes to keep to himself.

Uh-huh. It's not uncommon

to go a few days without seeing him.

Usually...

it's only a matter of finding his humpy toy,

and he's never very far away.

Well, anyhoo...

The maid was worried

that she might've left the door open yesterday and...

we can't find him anywhere. You haven't seen him, have you?

No, I ain't seen him! What makes you think I saw him?

Yeah, well, no, I'll go check some of the neighbors.

Go check the neighbor. Yeah.

( whistles)

Morrie!

( Carl whistling)

No, I ain't seen him!

I know what you're thinking, America:

Dead dog in my yard.

Carl missing a dog.

Got to be Carl's dog.

But it ain't like that. Can't be.

No, no, just one of those horrible coincidences.

You know, like you're living with your heart in your throat.

Ain't none of y'all had no pregnancy scare?

Think about it: That dog in my yard?

There wasn't a humpy toy nowhere near him.

WANDA: Honey, what's wrong?

Carl Reiner's dog is missing.

His dog?

Yep.

Where the heck you been?

I was helping Mr. Reiner put up these flyers

around the neighborhood.

Look.

You ever seen that dog before, baby?

Uh...

JORDAN: That's okay.

Mr. Reiner already brought in a dog psychic.

And the guy already suspects

there may be some foul play involved.

BRYANA: How do you know some

mean old dogcatcher didn't get him?

Oh, now, look, look, shut up about that doggone dog!

Okay? I don't want to hear nothing about no dog!

Everybody just shut up about talking about dogs and stuff,

and just be quiet, and let's eat.

I'm sure we'll find Chester, too.

He's probably just hiding.

Did you hear what I just said, Jordan?

Chester's not a dog. He's my pet rat.

Pet rat?! Yeah!

He was a surprise from Aunt Wanda.

We were going to use him as a prank, but...

we just bonded.

Chester.

Chester?!

Stupid boy shouldn't have brought that vermin in here!

Now Chester's dead and Morrie's dead,

and I gotta go tell my neighbor that I killed his best friend.

Dang.

Carl, listen...

You killed my dog Morrie... as a prank?!

No, Carl, it wasn't like that.

You are a sicko. Carl, it was...

it was the rat. I...

Sicko!

L-Listen, Carl, it wasn't like...

You're a sicko!

It wasn't like that.

Sick, sick, sick, sicko!

Today, you kill my dog.

Tomorrow, what?

You going to burn a cross on my lawn?

You're a sicko!

Carl, I'm black.

Well, act like one!

What?!

You're a sicko!

You're a black sicko!

Listen, I've...

Yeah, go.

Go seek professional help, you sicko!

Keep your dogs on a leash!

There's a sick man around

who thinks it's funny to kill your dogs!

Hey, Carl, how you doing?

Um, I just came by

to pay my respect, and I brought Wanda with me,

who's partially to blame.

Uh... but we're not here to point fingers.

Well, as long as you're here.

Come in.

Wow. He's dead.

This must be his little toy, huh?

I'm sorry, old boy.

I, uh, see you found Morrie's humpy toy.

Program? Thank you.

Thank you.

Hey, what you all doing here?

The whole neighborhood was invited.

We're here for Mr. Reiner.

It's not easy missing a pet.

Chester.

They'll find out who did it.

The dog psychic must be getting close.

REINER: I'd like to begin our ceremony

with a poem that Morrie and I

wrote together.

Well, actually, Morrie inspired the poem.

It's entitled "The Sooner I Die,

The Sooner I Shall See You Again."

"The sooner I die...

(French horn playing)

That was Morrie's favorite.

I want to thank you all for coming

and making today a celebration,

otherwise, it would have been

just another day without Morrie.

I especially want to thank my wife,

my wonderful wife, Estelle.

She's always been my rock, never more than today.

And Ira and Helen

for coming all the way from Palm Springs

with that delicious potato kugel.

I only wish I had the stomach for it.

And of course, the star of stage and screen,

and murderer of Morrie,

Mr. Bernie Mac.

( gasping)

( indistinct talking)

Oh, come on. Stop.

It was an accident.

Y'all don't understand.

I loved Morrie, too.

( murmuring)

Now, now.

If the Pope can forgive the man who shot him,

I can forgive the man who murdered my Morrie.

You ain't got to say it like that.

Now, please, please.

Bernie didn't mean to kill my dog.

It was all an accident.

He was simply trying to kill

his nephew's pet rat with some rat poison.

(gasping)

Rat poison?

Oh, no... Chester.

I thought he was just hiding.

Uncle Bernie, how could you?

Oh, come on.

Look, look, it was a prank.

It was all part of a prank.

I didn't know that was your pet rat, Jordan.

I swear I didn't.

Jordan, would you care to come up here and join me?

(crying)

Miles.

( plays horn)

Jordan, I'm sorry.

Sorry doesn't bring him back.

It's just a rat.

He was a rat with a name.

Chester the Jester Timberlake Houdini.

Mm...

( knocking)

Ta-da.

I thought

you could use a surprise, Carl.

Hey, hey, hey.

Don't worry about it.

It's the least I could do for you.

Bernie, can I ask you something?

Sure, Carl.

If I killed one of your kids,

how would feel if I swung by an orphanage

and presented you with a new child?

Why don't...

why don't you just let me

grieve in peace?

(mutters)

You're a sicko.

(slams)

Hey.

Hey, baby.

How'd it go?

I think Carl seeing that new dog

just made him feel worse.

Asked me if I got that thing neutered for a sick thrill.

Oh, uh, where's the dog, honey?

I took him to the park.

And?

And I took him to the park.

Jordan come out of his room yet?

Uh, no, honey, I'm sorry, not yet.

Dang, Wanda, how'd a little

sick prank like this lead into all this?

Well, honey, this is your first

prank to end in death,

but not your first to hurt someone.

Oh, thank you, Wanda.

I honestly thought I couldn't feel any worse.

I need to be alone for a while.

Okay, honey.

Morrie, if I only knew you. Mm...

Hey!

Come here. Come here.

What the...

(laughing)

Gotcha! Gotcha! Gotcha! Gotcha! Gotcha!

What? Come on, man.

This can't be.

I saw this dog foaming dead.

He wasn't dead, Bernie.

He's a trained actor.

What the hell?

How can this be?

(laughs)

Bernie, you have been played.

The man who says he is un-prankable,

the King of Comedy, has been smacked.

You got got.

Man, I mean, I've pulled off some sweet pranks,

but, Bernie, what these guys did,

that was just, that was art.

You're a trip.

That was funny.

And he always foams

after a nice egg cream.

So you mean to tell me all that being crushed

in that funeral was just an act, huh?

Hey, I'm the one who trained Morrie.

And, uh, that was my poker day.

But the guys, they were coming over anyway.

He's coming, he's coming.

He's coming.

♪ Everybody plays the fool sometime ♪

♪ No exception to the rule ♪

♪ It may be factual, may be cruel ♪

And the French horn, my nephew.

Not bad, huh?

So you're telling me that rat was just a feeder?

It wasn't a real pet.

No, Chester was my pet,

I just don't know where he is.

So, Jordan, you mean to tell me,

you got a real rat running around loose in my house?

Boy, I put down rat poison.

Actually, Uncle Bernie,

what you put down was just table salt.

Chester may have high blood pressure,

but he's not dead.

He's just missing.

Okay, you know you messed up, don't you?

You messed with the king of the pranks.

It's on, now.

Y'all hurt me to the fullest.

It's on. Mr. Prank.

I'm telling you, it's on.

Come on, aw, now don't be like that.

Admit it, we out- pranked the master.

I ain't talking to you, Wanda.

I thought I could trust you.

I'm sorry...

(baby talk)

...I'm sorry. (mumbles baby talk)

Yeah, all is fair in love and war, right?

Yeah, I guess so.

(screams)

♪ Everybody plays ♪

(laughing)

♪ Sometime ♪

♪ No exception ♪

(laughs)

That is a double prank.

Now, okay, look, you've been pranked twice.

They got you twice.

Stop it, stop it.

Now, I've never seen this before.

I've heard about it,

but I always thought it was, like, a myth.

Like, a lore-- the double prank.

(laughs)

Stop, Ashton. Come on, now.

Hell, no, I can't go out like that.

I'm too doggone good.

I'll tell you that right now.

I got to get my respect back.

I'm coming out of retirement.

Good luck with that. That's great.

You have to, okay, what are you going to do?

Well, first of all,

I think Wanda... Wanda and the kids...

No, no, I'm not going to mess with

Wanda and the kids.

I would say that's a good call.

I'll tell you something.

You know George Clooney's out of town.

His house could use a good painting.

You know, what do you think about dirty diaper brown?

What do you think about that?

I'd go with, like, a lime green.

Yeah, that's sweet, too.

So it disappears with the lawn.

But I tell you, somebody out there

that deserves the most biggest prank

of all though, somebody still lurking out there.

Who?

I'm just saying,

somebody's still out there

who needs to get got.

Who's that?

Somebody's still out there.

Who?

What, me?

(both laughing)

No, that's not going to happen.

It's not going to happen?

You don't never know when it's going to come.

Oh, yeah?

See, you're falling for me.

It's starting right now.

(laughing)

It's not going to happen.

It's not going to happen.

Drop your (beeped out)

(laughing)

Captioned by VISUAL DATA