All language subtitles for The.Bernie.Mac.Show.S03E17.Mac.Inations.1080p.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-squalor_track3_[eng]

Hey, Uncle Bernie!
How you doing?

Good.
Put 'er there.

Man, get that out of my face.
I see what you do with
your hands.

But they're clean!
I swear!

Oh, they're clean, huh?

Let me see you
smell your thumb.

(inhaling deeply)

Mmm!
Like a Carolina pine forest.

(laughing):
Is that right?

The shaky hand--
smell that one.

No, like this.

Yeah.
Ow! Ow!

Nice try, boy.

Clean yourself up.

(buzzer whirs)

Pranks!
America, I love 'em!

I been prankin' them kids
since they got here.

They can't prank me,
oh, no!

'Cause you're looking
at the master pranksman.

Want to see some of
Bernie Mac classics?

Pay attention.

(groans)

Uncle Bernie,
can you help me?

What's up?

I need to get my coat,
but the door's stuck.

Your door's stuck, huh?

Nice try, Nessa.

Give you A for effort.

Now clean it up.

(squeals)
Help!

I'm telling you, man,
I'm so doggone good,

I should teach a class.

What'd you think
about that, Ashton?

That was good.
That was a quality prank.

I'm telling you, baby.
Now, you're a master
pranksman yourself.

Now, you tell me,
the Mac Man,

what makes a good
trickster, baby?

You have to have
a devious mind.

Tell everybody.

You have to have that devious,
set, like, that thing

that makes you want
to hurt people.

Diabolical.
Uh-huh.

Like you.
Yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah,
that little...

I see it; you got it
in the eye.

Yeah, I got it,
man, you know.

I know you have it.

I'm telling you, boy.
But you right.

But you also got to
have good timing,

like a good comedian.

This is true.

I got that heartbeat
like that.

Yeah, but let's not forget
the one thing

that makes a good prank
a great prank.

Gasoline, gunpowder,
matches.

I, I, I, haven't tried that.

I was going to say
a camera crew.

What's a camera crew
got to do with it?

You have to record
the event.

So other people
can laugh at the person.

Like... (laughing)

But if you don't
have the camera,
you can't do that.

(clears throat)

He's young.

Hey, baby!

WANDA:
Yeah?

I don't know if I dig
Halle Berry with this long hair.

I mean, don't get me wrong,
she's still a fine nine,

but she was a ten.

Honey, Halle's not checking
for you.

And I ain't checkin' for Halle.

I'm checkin' for you,
because you're 11 and a half.

Keep talkin' that smack.

Ooh!

What's wrong, Halle Berry?

Honey, that's a rat right there.

A rat right where?

That ain't no rat.

That's probably the kids
playing a prank.

They been trying to get me
all week.

That ain't no rat.

You know, America,
I feel bad for them kids.

They're like lambs
to the slaughter.

Hey, I'm un-prankable.

A master not only of pranks,
but counter-prank-a-patation.

(sinister laugh)

My defense make the '85 Bears
look real soft.

Got it?

I'm telling you...

granted, the thing look real,

and everything,
you know.

I give the kids credit for that.

I can tell, 'cause see how
its ears lay back...

Babe, there's a rat in here.

Look at that, baby,
it is a real rat!

Oh, Lord...!

Honey, don't...

Are you...?
Don't pass out!

Ooh! Honey?

And your Uncle Bernie thinks
he is so un-prankable.

Oh, but when he found out
it was real,

he jumped up on the bed
and said, "Aah!"

"Oh, Lord!" And
dropped like a lie!

(all laughing)

Whoo, we got him so good.

Oh, oh... where's the nasty
little thing, anyway?

I don't know.

He jumped out of the box
before I put the lid on.

What?!
Aunt Wanda, he was fast!

And he was all zigzagging!

WANDA:
Uh... uh...

In here?

Cahoots!
It's a conspiracy!

And Wanda the ringleader.
Scandalous.

Why would she go
and join up with them?

American women,
y'all better learn

which side your bread
is buttered.

Hey, baby.

Hmm?

Baby...
Hmm?

We got to deal
with this rat business.

I'm talking about
quickly and permanently.

Oh, uh, yeah, uh,
I guess you're right.

(grunts)

Maybe we should look into

one of those
healthy traps, uh...

you know, something, um...
humane?

Healthy trap, huh?

Yeah.
All right.

I'll handle it.

Okay.

Humane.

I'm opting for something
cruel and unusual,

but I'm going to handle it.

She's making a mistake,
y'all.

'Cause when you bring a rat
in the Mac Man house,

it's no longer a game,
baby.

It's war.

And Bernie Mac got a secret
weapon: chemical warfare.

(chuckles)
Okay.

Hoo. Bring it on.

Ya dirty rat.

(door shuts)

Hey, baby.

Thank God you're back.

Don't tell me--
that rat again.

It's worse.
It's a dead dog,
and it's back here.

Aw...

BERNIE:
Come out here
and get me, man.

What you talking about?

WANDA:
I gotta show you something.

It better be good.

Oh, it's better than good.

We've got a situation.

I found the rat poison,

and how could you be
so irresponsible?

Me?! It's your fault.
My fault?!

Doggone right! You tried
to prank me with that rat.

I heard you in there
talking to the kids.

Okay, fine.
That was a prank, all right?

You left
the poison out,

and it turned into something
a little bit more serious.

Aw... Aw!
Look at that!

Dog! Look at that!
He foaming at the mouth!

Cover it back up,
sweetheart-- go on!

He's foaming at the mouth,
'cause that's the poison.

I think we should call
Animal Control.

Yeah. Poor little thing.

He wasn't bothering
nobody.

I'm going to go on in and
get a pitchfork and a wok.

You know what?
I think you've done enough.

Why don't you just go inside,
and I'll handle this.

Okay.

Go!

This is horrible, America.

I was just aiming
to kill a vermin,

but a dead dog, that's
man's best friend.

I'm lucky it was a stray.

Nobody lost
a friend tonight.

That's the good
thing about it.

Nobody lost a friend.

Bernie, I-I don't think
that pranks

are supposed to have
body counts.

Not another word,
Ashton, okay?

You either.

That's just wrong.

I know it is.

It's a dog.

I killed it.

Didn't you ever see
Old Yeller?

No. What was that about?

How do you think
that little boy...

about the dog...
died from the thing.

I'm going to feel bad...

Where the Red Fern
Grows?

I feel bad enough, Ashton.
I don't need all that.

I feel like
a gang-banger.

I killed my dog.

(stifled sob)

America, I learned my lesson.

This war has had
one casualty too many.

I've pranked my last prank.

The high priest
of hijinks

is hanging up
his whoopee cushion.

(blatting and squeaking)

(sighs)

(groans)

(announcers calling game
on TV)

(scary music playing)

(Jordan and Vanessa laughing)

(laughing)

(basketball game changes
to scary music playing)

Dang.
He stopped flipping.

Huh?

Look at them stupid kids.

And I'm not even
pranking back.

And that's the best
they can do.

They're lucky
I hung up my guns.

But they keep it up,

I'm still not above
a ass-whuppin',

and that's almost as good
as a prank.

(doorbell rings)

(whistling)

Hey, Carl!

How you doing?

Not too good, uh...

My dog Morrie, he's missing.

Morrie?

I didn't know
you had a dog.

That poor fellow's
been house-bound

since he was hit by a car
six years ago.

Don't ever take your
hips for granted.

Two good hips--
they don't come easy.

Yeah. That's too bad.

How long he been missing?

Well, Morrie likes
to keep to himself.

Uh-huh.
It's not uncommon

to go a few days
without seeing him.

Usually...

it's only a matter of
finding his humpy toy,

and he's never
very far away.

Well, anyhoo...

The maid was worried

that she might've left the
door open yesterday and...

we can't find him anywhere.
You haven't seen him, have you?

No, I ain't seen him!
What makes you think
I saw him?

Yeah, well, no, I'll go check
some of the neighbors.

Go check the neighbor.
Yeah.

( whistles)

Morrie!

( Carl whistling)

No, I ain't seen him!

I know what you're thinking,
America:

Dead dog in my yard.

Carl missing a dog.

Got to be Carl's dog.

But it ain't like that.
Can't be.

No, no, just one of those
horrible coincidences.

You know, like you're living
with your heart in your throat.

Ain't none of y'all had
no pregnancy scare?

Think about it:
That dog in my yard?

There wasn't a humpy toy
nowhere near him.

WANDA:
Honey, what's wrong?

Carl Reiner's dog
is missing.

His dog?

Yep.

Where the heck
you been?

I was helping Mr. Reiner
put up these flyers

around the neighborhood.

Look.

You ever seen that dog
before, baby?

Uh...

JORDAN:
That's okay.

Mr. Reiner already brought in
a dog psychic.

And the guy
already suspects

there may be some foul play
involved.

BRYANA:
How do you know some

mean old dogcatcher
didn't get him?

Oh, now, look, look,
shut up about
that doggone dog!

Okay? I don't want
to hear nothing
about no dog!

Everybody just shut up about
talking about dogs and stuff,

and just be quiet,
and let's eat.

I'm sure we'll find Chester,
too.

He's probably just hiding.

Did you hear what
I just said, Jordan?

Chester's not a dog.
He's my pet rat.

Pet rat?!
Yeah!

He was a surprise
from Aunt Wanda.

We were going to use him
as a prank, but...

we just bonded.

Chester.

Chester?!

Stupid boy shouldn't have
brought that vermin in here!

Now Chester's dead
and Morrie's dead,

and I gotta go tell my neighbor
that I killed his best friend.

Dang.

Carl, listen...

You killed my dog Morrie...
as a prank?!

No, Carl, it
wasn't like that.

You are a sicko.
Carl, it was...

it was the rat.
I...

Sicko!

L-Listen, Carl,
it wasn't like...

You're a sicko!

It wasn't like that.

Sick, sick, sick,
sicko!

Today, you kill my dog.

Tomorrow, what?

You going to burn a cross
on my lawn?

You're a sicko!

Carl, I'm black.

Well, act like one!

What?!

You're a sicko!

You're a black sicko!

Listen, I've...

Yeah, go.

Go seek professional help,
you sicko!

Keep your dogs on a leash!

There's a sick man around

who thinks it's funny
to kill your dogs!

Hey, Carl, how you doing?

Um, I just
came by

to pay my respect,
and I brought Wanda with me,

who's partially to blame.

Uh... but we're not here
to point fingers.

Well, as long as you're here.

Come in.

Wow. He's dead.

This must be his
little toy, huh?

I'm sorry,
old boy.

I, uh, see you found
Morrie's humpy toy.

Program?
Thank you.

Thank you.

Hey, what you all
doing here?

The whole neighborhood
was invited.

We're here
for Mr. Reiner.

It's not easy
missing a pet.

Chester.

They'll find out
who did it.

The dog psychic must
be getting close.

REINER:
I'd like to begin
our ceremony

with a poem that
Morrie and I

wrote together.

Well, actually, Morrie inspired
the poem.

It's entitled
"The Sooner I Die,

The Sooner
I Shall See You Again."

"The sooner I die...

(French horn playing)

That was Morrie's
favorite.

I want to thank you all
for coming

and making today
a celebration,

otherwise, it would have been

just another day
without Morrie.

I especially want
to thank my wife,

my wonderful wife,
Estelle.

She's always been my rock,
never more than today.

And Ira and Helen

for coming all the way
from Palm Springs

with that delicious
potato kugel.

I only wish I had
the stomach for it.

And of course, the star
of stage and screen,

and murderer
of Morrie,

Mr. Bernie Mac.

( gasping)

( indistinct talking)

Oh, come on.
Stop.

It was
an accident.

Y'all don't understand.

I loved Morrie, too.

( murmuring)

Now, now.

If the Pope can forgive
the man who shot him,

I can forgive the man
who murdered my Morrie.

You ain't got
to say it like that.

Now, please,
please.

Bernie didn't
mean to kill my dog.

It was all
an accident.

He was simply trying to kill

his nephew's pet rat
with some rat poison.

(gasping)

Rat poison?

Oh, no...
Chester.

I thought he was
just hiding.

Uncle Bernie, how could you?

Oh, come on.

Look, look,
it was a prank.

It was all part
of a prank.

I didn't know that was
your pet rat, Jordan.

I swear I didn't.

Jordan, would you care
to come up here and join me?

(crying)

Miles.

( plays horn)

Jordan, I'm sorry.

Sorry doesn't
bring him back.

It's just a rat.

He was a rat
with a name.

Chester the Jester
Timberlake Houdini.

Mm...

( knocking)

Ta-da.

I thought

you could use
a surprise, Carl.

Hey, hey, hey.

Don't worry
about it.

It's the least
I could do for you.

Bernie, can I ask
you something?

Sure, Carl.

If I killed one
of your kids,

how would feel if
I swung by an orphanage

and presented you
with a new child?

Why don't...

why don't
you just let me

grieve in peace?

(mutters)

You're a sicko.

(slams)

Hey.

Hey, baby.

How'd it go?

I think Carl seeing
that new dog

just made him
feel worse.

Asked me if I got that thing
neutered for a sick thrill.

Oh, uh, where's
the dog, honey?

I took him
to the park.

And?

And I took him
to the park.

Jordan come out
of his room yet?

Uh, no, honey,
I'm sorry, not yet.

Dang, Wanda,
how'd a little

sick prank like this
lead into all this?

Well, honey,
this is your first

prank to end
in death,

but not your first
to hurt someone.

Oh, thank you, Wanda.

I honestly thought I
couldn't feel any worse.

I need to be
alone for a while.

Okay, honey.

Morrie, if I only knew you.
Mm...

Hey!

Come here. Come here.

What the...

(laughing)

Gotcha! Gotcha! Gotcha!
Gotcha! Gotcha!

What?
Come on, man.

This can't be.

I saw this dog
foaming dead.

He wasn't dead,
Bernie.

He's a trained
actor.

What the hell?

How can this be?

(laughs)

Bernie, you
have been played.

The man who says
he is un-prankable,

the King of Comedy,
has been smacked.

You got got.

Man, I mean, I've pulled
off some sweet pranks,

but, Bernie, what
these guys did,

that was just,
that was art.

You're a trip.

That was funny.

And he always
foams

after a nice
egg cream.

So you mean to tell me
all that being crushed

in that funeral was
just an act, huh?

Hey, I'm the one
who trained Morrie.

And, uh, that was
my poker day.

But the guys, they were
coming over anyway.

He's coming, he's coming.

He's coming.

♪ Everybody plays
the fool sometime ♪

♪ No exception to the rule ♪

♪ It may be factual,
may be cruel ♪

And the French horn,
my nephew.

Not bad, huh?

So you're telling me that
rat was just a feeder?

It wasn't a real
pet.

No, Chester was my pet,

I just don't know
where he is.

So, Jordan, you mean
to tell me,

you got a real rat
running around loose
in my house?

Boy, I put down
rat poison.

Actually,
Uncle Bernie,

what you put down
was just table salt.

Chester may have
high blood pressure,

but he's not dead.

He's just missing.

Okay, you know you
messed up, don't you?

You messed with
the king of the pranks.

It's on, now.

Y'all hurt me
to the fullest.

It's on. Mr. Prank.

I'm telling you,
it's on.

Come on, aw, now
don't be like that.

Admit it, we out-
pranked the master.

I ain't talking
to you, Wanda.

I thought I could
trust you.

I'm sorry...

(baby talk)

...I'm sorry.
(mumbles baby talk)

Yeah, all is fair in
love and war, right?

Yeah, I guess so.

(screams)

♪ Everybody plays ♪

(laughing)

♪ Sometime ♪

♪ No exception ♪

(laughs)

That is a double
prank.

Now, okay, look, you've
been pranked twice.

They got you twice.

Stop it,
stop it.

Now, I've never seen
this before.

I've heard about it,

but I always thought
it was, like, a myth.

Like, a lore--
the double prank.

(laughs)

Stop, Ashton.
Come on, now.

Hell, no, I can't
go out like that.

I'm too
doggone good.

I'll tell you that
right now.

I got to get
my respect back.

I'm coming out
of retirement.

Good luck with that.
That's great.

You have to, okay,
what are you going to do?

Well, first of all,

I think Wanda...
Wanda and the kids...

No, no, I'm not
going to mess with

Wanda and the kids.

I would say
that's a good call.

I'll tell you
something.

You know George
Clooney's out of town.

His house could use
a good painting.

You know, what do you think
about dirty diaper brown?

What do you think
about that?

I'd go with, like,
a lime green.

Yeah, that's
sweet, too.

So it disappears
with the lawn.

But I tell you,
somebody out there

that deserves the most
biggest prank

of all though, somebody
still lurking out there.

Who?

I'm just saying,

somebody's still
out there

who needs to get got.

Who's that?

Somebody's
still out there.

Who?

What, me?

(both laughing)

No, that's not
going to happen.

It's not going
to happen?

You don't never know
when it's going to come.

Oh, yeah?

See, you're
falling for me.

It's starting
right now.

(laughing)

It's not going
to happen.

It's not
going to happen.

Drop your (beeped out)

(laughing)

Captioned by VISUAL DATA