Original subtitles

Hand me one, man. There you go.

Damn, it's cold out here, man.

I know, man.

The boy's asthma's acting up,

and Wanda won't let me smoke in the house no more.

That's what happens when you have kids, man.

I can't do anything at my house.

That's why I come over here.

Shoot, man, it's just like it ain't my house no more.

Wanda makes me give up all my stuff that ain't child-friendly,

and you know doggone well anything worth having

ain't child-friendly.

I used to have a knife like that.

Oh, this is your knife, dawg.

You gave it to me, remember?

Yeah, yeah...

Man, you get all of Bernie's good stuff, man.

Hey, man, there ain't nothing good

about giving away your stuff, man.

Bernie Mac know he can entrust me

with his knives and pellet guns and whatnot.

Yeah, well, I can't wait till he back up one of them kids

with an Escalade. Yeah...

My car's a beater, boy.

(phone ringing)

Yo. Mac.

And-and them cell phones cause brain cancer, you know,

in case you want to give that up. Man, shut up, man.

That's-that's a faulty hypothesis.

Just come on around the back.

We all sitting out here in the back.

Okay. All right.

Jerry got a surprise for me.

Shh, shh.

Hey, Uncle Bernie, guess what?

I'm joining the debate team.

That's great, Jor, real good. Good.

(coughing) Bernie?

Huh, can you dig it?

One question: Can you dig this?

It's off the hizzle, right?

Hoo-hoo, for shizzle.

Yeah, wha-what does that mean?

Whoo, this is sweet, man.

I didn't know you drove a motorcycle.

You like it? Yeah.

This is nice... real nice.

Yeah, well, B... it's yours.

What, you gonna give me a motorcycle?

I would give you the hair off my back if you wanted it, man,

uh, but it's a gift from the studio

because the Droobie movie

did over $100 million,

(whistles) and that is just domestic, okay?

Overseas, it'll double that,

so I guess Droobie really tickles those Germans pink.

Wow, man, I have to admit this is tight.

I know I can't keep it,

but, man, it sure is nice to think about being free.

I mean, you're driving down the road all fast and cool.

The open highway, doing what I want to do...

far away from all the kids.

(imitating engine roars)

Monstrous.

This is nice.

Real nice.

Whoa! Wow!

I-I-I've never seen a naked lady before.

Since you guys are my friends, I'll give you a special price:

50 cents for the pictures, two dollars for the centerfold.

Get up, boy, and hand me that degradation.

I pity your poor weepin' mother.

That tractor's going to need a good scrubbin'.

Hey, they're not mine.

Is that right?

Whose are they, then?

Huh? Spit it out.

I don't need to tell you how inappropriate this is...

...but let me try.

The fact that Jordan brought this smut

into these hallowed halls is an abomination.

Ooh!

Uh... Father, please believe me

that we would have never allowed Jordan

to see... anything like this.

Isn't that right, Bernie?

Father, I had this in my footlocker.

I had it under lock and key, I tell you.

Lock and key.

You're an adult, Mr. Mac.

What happens to you in the afterlife

is your responsibility.

But it appears the boy's on a rich path to sin.

Maybe you should consider another school for him.

Oh, now, stop being so drastic.

I told you I can handle it.

I can handle it.

Damn.

I don't believe you, Wanda.

What you mean, you threw 'em away?

I told you I was going to handle it.

Well, I helped you.

Besides, the only way to keep them away from Jordan

is to get them out of the house.

Baby, you messing with some history here, I'm telling you.

Remember Azizi Johari?

That was Sammy Davis Jr.'s girl.

And what about Renee Tennison--

the first black Playmate of the Year.

She broke down barriers... like Jackie Robinson.

Three years ago, before the kids got here,

my house was an adult paradise.

Look around this room.

It's all the stuff I used to have,

and one by one, it's been taken away from me.

My drill press, authentic African spears,

pipes, blowtorch,

fighting pit bull-- you don't see him because he's been gone!

Nunchaku, dart board, table saw and all my stuff!

What's next, America... me?

Oh, Lord!

Take your pick. Mm.

Heartland Help and Horizon-- what is this?

Charities, and they all accept motorcycle donations.

Pick one. Oh, baby, come on...

Ah, honey, don't worry.

You'll still get your tax deduction.

How they going to take a deduction from nothing?

'Cause I ain't got nothing left, America,

and I'm tired of it, and you know what?

This is where I draw the line.

Well, sweetheart, I'm sorry.

My charity ain't on here.

Matter of fact, I'm going to donate it

to my favorite charity: me, myself and I.

Better yet, I'm going to take me, myself and I

out for a ride right now.

(laughs)

Yeah, you smell that, America?

That's burnt rubber... and testosterone.

Nothing more intoxicating except the open road--

long straightaways, hills and valleys.

Sweet curves. Oh, yeah.

The road's a lady, so you best dress right...

so excuse me, America.

I'm getting ready to take off into the sunset... in my mind.

Sweetheart, I don't know what you tripping about.

Not like the kids going to ride it.

It's not about the kids.

It's about you. I'm afraid.

Afraid of what?

Look at your outfit.

Look kind of nice, huh?

Uncle Bernie, Aunt Wanda says

you're having a mid-life crisis.

Boy, get in your room.

Could you just be still for one second?

What if something happens to you?

Ain't nothing going to happen.

The kids need you. They got me.

Well, then, I need you.

Don't do that... No, don't you do that.

You know how I feel about that bike...

and I can't tell you what to do.

Did you hear that, America?

I mean, what my wife said.

It gets me right here.

Said she can't tell me what to do.

She's a good woman.

♪ ♪

You see that, America?

They gave me the nod.

Back in the man's club, yes, sir.

And ain't nothing like the open road.

I mean, freedom, no worries.

All I have to think about is a hundred horses

and a quarter ton of sweet loving metal.

Yes, sir, back on the road again.

They gave me the nod.

♪ ♪

Resolved, the school's uniform dress code is good

for the student body's morale.

It bridges the gap between the haves

and the have-nots.

TEACHER: Thank you, Jordan. Very compelling.

Where's Uncle Bernie?

Uh, I think he had a meeting.

♪ ♪

Oh...

Jordan's debate's at 2:30.

Damn!

♪ ♪

(tires screeching)

(crashing)

Oh, no, not that light.

Lord, please don't take me now.

♪ ♪

What the...?

What happened to my house?

Baby girl, what are you doing?

Oh, my God... I'm dead.

Where are my smokes?

You smoked 'em all, stupid.

Nessa, no...

No, Nessa!

Don't go to sleep tonight.

I'm going to stick you.

Bun in the oven, and no loaf on the table.

Nessa, listen to me...

Nessa...

Nessa... Nessa...

Hello, I'm busy.

Girl, can't you read?

Get out of my face.

You've been briefed.

Jordan, look at you.

I can't believe this.

Wipe that shiny stuff off your lips.

Jordan?

Jordan, I'm not playing with you.

I'm going to look fabulous.

And W.B.?

Here comes Santa Claus.

Have you been naughty

or nice?

(laughter)

I got an answer for that.

W.B.: Let's just see. Look at here.

What you got there?

Oh, oh.

Take it off.

( laughter)

Big fellow, I give you everything,

but that's my wife.

I'm not giving you Wanda.

Hell, no!

(grunting)

Come on.

Come on, W.B.!

Come on, W.B.! Come on, come on.

Think 'cause you big, huh?

Okay, hey, honey. Come on, come on...

Hey, honey, wake up, hey, hey, hey.

It's me. Come on, focus.

It's me.

Okay. Ooh, it's you.

Uh-huh.

(whimpers)

Wanda, I had a dream.

Okay.

You was in it.

And... Jordan,

baby girl...

Let me see something.

Hey, quit it.

WANDA: Oh, okay, honey,

don't worry, okay? Uh-uh.

The doctor said you're going to be fine.

Wanda, it was awful.

I'm telling you, I was dead.

I was dead.

I tell you, I was dead.

And Jordan-- he had his hair...

He... He had all the...

And then, baby girl-- she was... smoking.

And you had a little boy,

like you was...

She had a little, and then...

Ooh.

And you was with W.B..

You scandalous!

Okay, how many painkillers did you take?

Come on, honey. Come on, honey, hey, hey.

Hey, honey, you did not die.

You just twisted your ankle.

I twist my ankle? Yes.

I was dead. I was dead. I was dead!

I'm telling you I was cold dead.

Dead.

America, come here.

Look at this.

Y'all, I did a foolish, selfish thing.

This could have been my head.

Now I know the world's a very dangerous place.

So let me tell you something.

My job is to protect those kids.

And from now on, America, Bernie Mac is on the job.

Look here.

That could have been my head.

Hair would have been missing.

All right here.

All this right here.

But it'd be laying... laying like that.

You know, a traffic jam start like that.

They be looking.

And nobody going to get out and help.

My head would have been over.

I'm laying on, I'm laying on, you know?

Cars backed up.

What would you like, Little Mama, apple or orange?

Orange.

Good choice.

Ooh, what the...? Honey?

Hey, honey, the cabinets are stuck.

They're not stuck, baby.

They're child-proof. The drawers are, too.

You got to use a magnet here.

Let me show you.

Hold this for me, sweetheart.

Come here.

You slide the magnet in here till you hear a little click.

You hear that click?

Opens right up. Here.

Hmm. Get your glass.

Very safe.

And so, when did you do that?

This afternoon.

I should have did it a long time ago.

Wanda, let me tell you something.

That drawer got glass in it,

that one over there got knives,

and the bottom got poison.

It's a deathtrap for these damn kids.

What's a deathtrap?

It's... Uh, nothing, sweetie.

Go outside and play, and I'll bring you your juice.

Walk, walk.

No running in this house.

Sweetie, they need to know... Don't scare her.

They need to know the truth, baby.

(wheels whirring)

Oh, Lord!

(laughing)

Did you see that move?

That was crazy!

Boy, are you crazy? You know what could have

happened if you hit your head on that concrete?

I'm wearing a helmet.

It don't matter.

You already got a soft spot, Jordan.

You're one thump away

from being in a coma.

I am?

Yeah, and I think about it every day.

Now I want you to go on

and get inside, go on.

Walk, walk.

Look at all this stuff, America.

Just look at it.

Wanda's so doggone busy

making me get rid of all my dangerous stuff,

we didn't pay no attention to what we gave the kids.

Look at this.

Ice skates.

Can cut your finger right off.

Skateboard.

You can slip and crack your...

crack the corner of your head on something.

Look at these dolls right here.

Their heads come off.

Baby girl messing around, start chewing on it

like it's gum, and then choke her to death.

Look, this rope here.

All this stuff is dangerous stuff,

and it's going.

It's gone.

Look at this. I had a rope like this.

My little brother...

And I choked him, choked...

choked.

(tapping on bus)

BERNIE: Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Bus driver man, bus driver?

Hmm?

Hey, bus driver man, you got seat belts on this bus?

No. No-No bus has seat belts.

What?!

Oh, hey.

Hey, Nessa, Nessa, come on.

Get your stuff. You're going with me.

What are you doing?

Ain't no seat belts on this bus.

I got seat belts. I'm saving your life.

Come on now.

(laughter)

Come on!

(loud chatter and laughter)

Hey, Vaness...

Pay no attention to them.

Hee-hee. That's a bus of hyenas.

See if you laugh when you're dead.

Come on, slow down.

Don't walk in front of me like you're embarrassed.

All day, Aunt Wanda.

All day long they taunted me at school.

Well, Nessa, you're uncle's been

through a traumatic experience.

Just try to be understanding.

He even took away my spiral notebooks

because he said the wire might accidentally

poke me in the liver.

Well, you know, honey, if you think about it,

that's kind of like...

Okay, yeah, I-I'll talk to him.

Remember my Aunt Pearl?

Remember how she died?

She died of tetanus of the liver.

Bernie, she was stabbed.

Yeah. Stabbed in the liver by a piece of metal.

I rest my case.

Honey, you don't have a case, okay?

And you're acting a little crazy.

I realize that you're scared, but, honey,

you're teaching the kids to be scared, too.

I'm not teaching the kids how to be scared.

(sighs)

Bryana is afraid to go in the kitchen

because she heard you say it was a deathtrap.

Listen, if the kids don't like

that I'm trying to keep their lives safe,

that's fine with me.

And I hope they don't like it

for the rest of their long, long lives.

Meanwhile, I threw away some of your polish.

It's toxic.

(mumbling)

And that, my friend, is called victory.

(laughs)

You cheated!

I did not.

You did, too. Admit it!

I'm not going to admit it.

Admit it.

Okay, how about we debate this?

Okay, I'll admit it, I cheated.

Hey, hey, Jordan,

let me talk to you for a minute.

Jordan, did you cheat?

Cheat? He's the worst.

Why did you let him punk you out in your own house then?

Oh. He's bigger than me.

And he was clearly about to get physical.

If I didn't back down,

he may have hit me, and I'd fall down

and hit my head on the table or the floor.

And I've got that soft spot.

You said it yourself.

I'm one thump away from a coma.

You hear that, America?

My boy got punked in his own house

because he's scared.

Scared because of something I said.

Wanda's right.

I'm not teaching these kids wisdom, America.

I'm teaching them fear.

That ain't right.

That's not right at all.

Jordan, you look thirsty. Why don't you go in the kitchen

and get you and your friend something to drink?

You talking back to me? I'm not thirsty.

Just do what I tell you to do

and go on up in there. That way.

Go on in there, and I'll send him in there later.

Oh, no. I found it.

Quit touching your head.

I found it.

Oh.

Hey, young man,

come here for a minute.

I'm going to talk to you.

First of all, Jordan didn't cheat.

He doesn't have to.

He's skilled.

And second, if I ever hear you talk

to my nephew like that in my house,

you're going to deal with me.

Do you understand that? Yes, sir.

Now go in there and apologize.

Let me tell you something.

Sometime a little fear is a good thing.

But where it gets dangerous, America,

is when you let it control you.

Oh, that's bad.

Real bad.

Honey, I think it's my fault.

You shouldn't have had

to give up so much of your stuff.

Maybe you can...

smoke in the den.

I thought you said the boy's asthma's was acting up.

Yeah, I-I kind of said that

because the house was starting to smell a little funky.

No.

Come on, baby.

You mean to tell me you used the boy's bad lungs

just to get what you want?

Uh-uh. You got to pay for that.

Really? Yeah.

How am I going to do that?

Hmm.

Oh.

You've got that look in your eye.

You think I don't?

(laughs)

What, you scared?

'Cause you sure should be.

Wanda?

Why are you laughing?

Look like a laugh?

(laughs)

That was my trauma look.

It was?

Yeah.

That couldn't have been.

Try it again. Try it again.

You look like a joker.

That's how I went...

I was delirious, you know?

You messed... I don't know if I can do it again.

That was a trauma...

Captioned by VISUAL DATA