Original subtitles

Everybody, let's go!

Anybody not in the car in two minutes going to be left!

Looks like someone's looking forward to this vacation.

Baby, I need it-- I feel more relaxed right now.

A minute, 40!

A minute, 40...!

Okay, okay, we heard you, and you don't need to yell.

Well, I do have to yell. You ain't in the car yet.

Let's go! Come on! I'm bringing my Nitwit Doll.

Well, she can go. She's walking.

Long as she ain't got to stop and pee,

and the same goes for you.

Jordan! I'm going to leave instructions on the table now.

Let's go!

Dang, boy, did you pack all your clothes?

Yeah.

It's his first vacation.

Everybody's excited.

Did everyone pack their bathing suits?

No.

Well, it's too late. Time's wasting.

If you don't have what you don't have,

you ain't got what you ain't got.

Come on, let's go, let's go! Come on, baby girl.

Come on, come on, baby, come on. We'll buy you one.

Shoot. Now get on it.

Come on, son, push it up in there.

America, family vacation is a beautiful thing.

You see this bookmark?

It took me three months to get this far,

and that's not because Bernie Mac's a slow reader.

It's because I'm so damn busy.

If I'm not on the road, I got these kids to worry about,

but I'm not going to worry about them for the next three days.

You know why? Because me and my baby Wanda got a plan.

See, we're going to take turns watching the kids,

and see, there are three days, and Bernie Mac's day

is in the middle, smack in the center.

Check it out.

First day. That's my day.

This is the kid's day.

Look at this: you get a facial,

manicure, pedicure, seaweed wrap

and an aromatherapy massage.

I'm doing that.

What you need a massage for?

Eating free food and not paying for nothing make you tense?

Aunt Wanda... Look at this.

I don't see five chairs together anywhere.

Excuse me.

We're a family of five...

Baby, don't...

...and we need chairs together.

Yes, ma'am, a lot of families have that problem,

but it's first come, first served.

Baby, baby, don't worry about getting no chair for me.

I-I'll sit right there.

Better yet, I'll sit over there.

Bye, children.

Marco.

Get away from me, boy.

Uncle Bernie, you're supposed to say "Polo."

Get away from me, boy.

A Gecko monarchis!

Watch your mouth, boy.

No, a gecko, native of Southeast Asia.

Uncle Bernie, you've got to help me catch it.

All right. Start running. I'll catch up with you later.

Uncle Bernie,

it doesn't float unless it has air in it.

Baby girl, why don't you go sit

on the other side of the pool and watch me read?

If I blow that up, you promise to float over there

and tell Aunt Wanda it's her day to watch you all?

All right.

All right, come on, take it off.

Okay.

Is there a hole in it?

Um, my friends and I

want to go rock climbing, so can you take us?

No.

But you haven't even heard me.

Nessa, what you're about to ask me--

does it involve me getting out of this chair?

Yeah, but only because...

No, no. This is my off day, Nessa.

This is my off day.

Well, what about your aunt?

No, I-I think she wants to stay in the pool area.

Chairs? Yeah.

Well, I'll see you later, Vanessa.

Great vacation.

Nessa...

you've got a pool

and a room full of videos.

There are a million things you can do that don't involve me.

Let me ask you a question:

Why in the heck would I go rock climbing on my vacation?

You know who does that? Billy goats.

Baa-aa-aah.

Hey, hey... Honey, we need to put the book

on the chair to claim it.

I'm reading it.

Okay, fine, give me your shirt.

What?

Fine. I will take this one

over to the other one.

Two more, and we got five.

(phone rings)

Yeah, Mac, baby, talk to me.

Big fella!

Man, I hear a lot of commotion.

Yo, man, we at the Bellagio, man.

Hey, check it out, man.

What crap table is our lucky one, man?

I said seven,

Dewey talking about six, man,

and Kelly's drunk, dawg.

You all in Vegas?

When did you all decide to do that?

About 96 minutes ago, man. A record, dawg.

Hey, hey, what happened, what happened?

Your boy Jerry just won big money, man.

Now I guess we got us a new lucky craps table, baby.

Is Jerry there?

Yeah, Big Papa, Big Papa?

I love this place, and I love your friends,

and I love this woman standing next to me.

Her name is Simone; she's Persian,

but she doesn't like hummus.

How do you like that?

Oh, yeah, and Bernie, and Bernie?

Uh, I think she wants it.

Oh, man, I've got to go, man.

I'm on vacation with my family.

Bothering me on my vacation, ruining my peace.

Bothering me on vacation.

Cannonball!

♪ ♪

Hi, baby.

Mm, honey, I'm tired.

Oh, the kids, the sun, the chairs.

Give me one hour.

Baby, an hour?

Mm-hmm. Let me get an hour.

(music stops)

America, I'm trying to do the right thing.

I'm trying, but the devil's in my ear.

Man, get the punk out your pants.

You need to go ahead to Vegas.

Look at Wanda-- she's starting to drool with that sleep breath.

Hey, you be cool with that, devil.

Who you talking to?

You say what they want, but can't.

I say what you think, but won't.

You deserve Vegas.

It's supposed to be your doggone day,

and look what she did to you, chump.

She draw you down here. The kids bother you.

You got all wet, and now no love, and she told...

Anyway, you'd be doing her a favor by leaving her alone.

She's the one that should be grateful.

I'm doing her a favor?

You're damn right.

How am I going to get there?

I'll hook you up.

Oh, yeah.

My man. He good people.

♪♪

(all talking)

(cheering)

Come on!

(cheering)

You want your fortune told?

You want your fortune told?

Who want your fortune told?

(machine beeping)

You know what?

I should start giving lessons.

♪♪

♪ Your a million miles from reality ♪

♪ You can be whatcha you wanna be ♪

Morning, baby.

Hey, morning, baby.

I ordered your breakfast for you.

I got French toast, scrambled eggs, Canadian bacon,

just the way you like it.

Oh, baby, thank you. Any orange juice?

Freshly squeezed.

See that, America? Bernie Mac is slick.

I had my day, got my gamble on,

and took in a show and won some pocket change.

Caught the first flight back,

and now I got some fresh squeezed juice.

M...oney!

Hey, baby, this is great.

What the heck, baby, you been to Vegas?

That fell out of your pocket,

and before you say anything else,

I got your boarding pass right here.

Damn, Wanda, you had to turn Colombo.

Baby, look, I was bored.

I-I'm back now, so what's the problem?

You don't see

what the problem is in going to Vegas?

All right, Wanda, look, look, you was asleep.

I couldn't read. The light bothered you.

If I turned the television on,

the-the noise would've woke you.

See? I was being considerate.

So... I'm supposed to be grateful that you went to Vegas?

In a perfect world, yeah.

Come on, Wa-Wa-Wa... What if one of the kids

would have woke up in the middle of the night sick?

You was here.

Woman, why you have to make stuff up?

No kid got sick last night.

See, America, she's determined to be upset.

Now, I'm not going to give her a reason.

I'm not going to let her put me in the trick bag,

I tell you like it T-I-S right now.

I'm going to live up to the end of my bargain,

spend my day with the kids, and then tomorrow,

I get another day. Show you, right? Right, right?

That's some bull. That ain't fresh.

Come on, hurry up, look under there.

You see anything?

No, but we're getting closer.

Gecko poop, and it's fresh!

Oh, that's foul.

Look, let's go check in those rocks over there.

Oh.

Don't put your hand in your mouth, Jordan!

(phone rings)

Yo, this is Mac.

What?

Look, man, I told you.

Don't come talking to me about no Vegas.

In the suite?

Tonight?

I told you, I can't.

I'm chasing lizards.

America, if you'd have told me 24 hours ago

that I'd be chasing lizards with that boy,

I'd have called you ten different kinds of fool.

But if entertaining the boy's odd obsessions

is how he wants to spend his day with his Uncle Bernie,

then that's what we'll do.

And tomorrow, I have a vacation,

and hallelujah and yahoo.

And all to the lizards, here I come.

Here I come.

BRYANA: Uncle Bernie! Uncle Bernie!

Toss me in the pool!

I'll toss you, all right.

Excuse me, America.

Come on!

Uh, no you don't.

That's my seat.

Oh. I was moving it over

because I'm on a family vacation,

and there's five of us.

I only see one of you.

My book, please.

The woman from Memphis?

She's really the town doctor's daughter.

She committed the murder, and he helps her cover it up

because he feels guilty about his family

in Bloomfield Hills.

It's a very easy read.

BERNIE: 54,

55, 56,

57...

100. That's not how

you count to 100.

You want to see me count to 100?

Let me hold you underwater.

What?

Nothing.

(sighs)

What does she have that attitude for?

Like what I'm doing don't mean nothing.

I'll show her how I can run those doggone kids ragged.

Yes, sir.

And then she'll stop looking at me like that.

(soft chuckle)

Like... I don't know what I'm doing.

You know, she...

That's how she looks at me.

Bottom row.

(chuckles): Women.

Aunt Wanda,

can I take scuba diving lessons?

Scuba diving?

Oh, honey, that sounds dangerous.

Ain't no dangerous about it.

If that what Nessa want to do on her vacation,

well, scuba diving we will go.

You're going scuba diving?

Like Jacques Cousteau, baby.

And this is how you put on your scuba vest.

You try it.

Okay.

Oh.

(loud grunt)

(mumbling underwater)

Oops.

That was me.

I caused that.

Yes, sir.

I'm a little devil, ain't I?

(laughs)

A black devil.

There's a difference.

Here it is.

This is it.

What is it?

Mister Hairy's about to go.

We're about to get our fifth chair.

The chair's all the way over there, baby.

Let me break it down.

Joe College over there--

he's checking out every girl at the pool.

BERNIE: Oh.

WANDA: Those two are three seats apart,

but they're really a couple.

So watch.

That's it. That's our fifth seat.

We finally get to sit together as a family.

All right.

I'm sorry, but the pool is closing.

I'm going to need the chair cushions.

No! No!

Baby, let it go.

Oh, look.

Oh! You done tore the lizard's tail off of him.

No, it's a defense mechanism.

It'll grow back.

And if we put this one on ice,

it'll still be twitching when we get home.

Here.

Ow!

Ow!

So far today, I had a scuba tank,

a bag of ice, and a lizard tail on my head.

Bernie Mac is a good husband.

America?

Come get this thing.

(foot stepping)

All right. The kids all out cold.

And do you know why, ma'am, huh?

You know why?

'Cause they spent the whole day with Uncle Bernie,

just the way you wanted it.

Just the way I wanted it?

That's right.

And I still got enough energy left for you, baby.

Okay, let me get this straight.

Get it straight.

You want credit for playing

with your nieces and nephew

on a family vacation?

Yeah.

Matter of fact, I want extra.

Let me tell you something, baby.

I could be in Vegas tonight.

If I wanted to hit the airport right now,

I'd be there in time to start my free day.

But instead, I passed, just to be with you.

Oh. ( laughs)

You passed up drinking and smoking

to spend time with your wife?

Uh-huh.

Well,

I'm not impressed.

If you want to impress me,

you come to Wild Animal Park with us tomorrow.

What?

On my off day?

Woman, you crazy.

You know, the time we spent together--

you may as well just have stayed in Vegas.

Why don't you...

go?

Don't play with me, baby.

'Cause you know I will, I'll go.

Go.

Fine.

I wish I was like I Dream of Jeannie,

blink and be there.

And I wish I was Bewitched,

and wiggle my nose and send you there.

You see that, America?

She was about to change things up on me

after I did everything I was supposed to do.

And then she's going to dare me to go?

Well, I got another free day coming.

And she's not going to mess with it.

'Cause Bernie Mac's not having it.

Not at all.

Yeah.

Back to you.

♪ ♪

Hey, come on now.

Come on now.

Put 'em in, put 'em in.

Hmm.

(chuckles softly)

What's that supposed to be, Sugar?

Your manager wanted me to bet that.

What? (laughter)

Cupid got Jerry Best, brother.

Check it out.

What is it?

Hey, man, that was this morning.

(laughter)

What?!

(laughter) Where's Jerry at now?

On his way to Mexico to get it annulled.

(laughter)

It's best he going to end it early, 'cause I'm telling you,

dealing with a woman is hard work.

Wanda almost messed up my whole vacation, man.

Why didn't you take her to the spa?

Where you staying at?

Mandalay Bay, Circus Circus?

Um, I'm staying in San Diego.

(laughter)

San Diego?

Wasn't... Wasn't you here last night?

I was.

It was her day to watch the kids, you know.

I guess once your kids get grown,

they don't need two parents.

KELLY: No, no, no, Sugar.

His kids ain't grown.

Vanessa's 14. Right, 14.

The boy's about 11, and how old is Baby Girl?

Uh, six, seven.

She's seven.

And the boy's got asthma.

It ain't important what the boy got, Chuy.

Man, I wish I could tell my wife I'm going

to leave the state to go gamble,

while she watched the kids.

Man, there'll be a new champ.

Look, Sugar, you got it all wrong.

See, my wife and I made an arrangement.

And I did my part taking care of the kids for a day.

You know? So why would I bring

the kids on my vacation just to ruin it?

They tried to take me

to some old Wild Animal Park, man.

I-I ain't having that.

Chuy, you're married. You know.

Tell-Tell them.

You know about arrangements.

Yeah, but those arrangements never work out.

I mean, if one of those kids gets sick,

it don't matter whose day it is.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, you got to do it together, man.

Oh, come on, man, let's play some cards.

You ever get the feeling

you went to Vegas too many times in a weekend?

Look at this.

You don't need to see it.

(phone rings)

Hello?

Bernie, where are you?

What?

♪♪

Okay.

I'll be down.

♪♪

Oh, thanks, baby.

How was Vegas?

I left early

'cause I wanted to get these chairs for you.

You want some company?

You bet.

Did you win big?

Not like I'm winning now.

Yeah...

I'm sorry, but the pool doesn't open

for another 20 minutes.

Is that right?

Well, listen,

why don't you pretend like

you're not here?

Better yet,

get us some cushions.

Ooh, you must have won big.

And it's getting bigger.

Uh-huh. Yeah.

You got to do it together.

See? That's all I'm saying.

Yo, yo, man. Yo, man, play the cards.

Yeah, play the cards, man. Bam, nothing.

I got it, I got it right there.

Oh, oh!

Oh, Lord! Wow.

It's a first! The Mac!

You ain't winning this time.

Oh, you beat me like De La Hoya beat you.

(all laughing)

I mean, I mean... Cut the camera off.

(all laughing)

Captioned by VISUAL DATA