All language subtitles for The.Bernie.Mac.Show.S03E13.Its.Mac.ademic.1080p.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-squalor_track3_[eng]

For dessert,
I'm going to make you

some homemade chocolate pudding,
all right?

I don't like
the skin on top.

I know. I'm going to pull
the skin off for you, okay?

Don't worry about it.

Hey, good morning,

Ms. Allen,
how you doing?

Oh, uh, fine, uh...

I, uh, guess you
didn't get my message.

No, I didn't.
What, is this a problem?

We need Bryana's
immunization records.

After last night's
board meeting,

no student can attend school
without them.

I'm really sorry,

but I did leave you a message.
That ain't no problem.

Probably back at home somewhere.
Baby girl, you go on to class.

I'm going to run home
and get your records for you.

Oh, I'm-I'm so sorry.

My hands are tied here.

What you trying to say, Ms.
Allen? She can't go to school?

Oh, we don't like to use
the word "can't," but yes.

That's some bull. Now I got
to go all the way home

and look for some records
in the drawer.

Come on, baby girl.
That's some bull.

What do they think,
baby girl got SARS or Ebola?

Nothing wrong with that girl.

Her flesh is intact.

They just want
to mess up my day.

I only got four hours of peace
as it is.

Wow.

JORDAN:
Ow!

Ow! Ow! Ow, Vanessa!

Ow! Ow, Vanessa! Ow!

What's going on in there? Hey!

I can't breathe!

You're not hurt...

not like you're going to be.
Vanessa,

stop strangling
your brother.

Hey, don't push your
brother. Come on.

I'm okay.

Come on, now.

You're older than
him, and you're
bigger than him.

Choking him and
pushing him is not
going to solve anything.

Want to bet?

I'm just going to kick him
a little bit.

Oh, I don't think so.
Softly.

No.
Just one time.

Take it down.
Have a seat.

Okay, so, did you, like,
hear your niece and your nephew

upstairs trying
to kill each other?

Trying? Please tell me
one of 'em succeeded.

No, I got there
in time to referee.

I thought you had
some good news, baby,

'cause I could
sure use some.

I can't find baby
girl's medical records.

Damn!

I thought you said
you were going to clean up

some of this mess, honey.

Well, why you holdin'
onto your past

so hard for, Wanda?

Geez, now, look at...
look at this... disco boot.

♪♪

Yeah, excuse me. Those are
your boots.
Really?

Yeah... Earth, Wind, and Fire
phase, yeah.

♪♪

Uncle Bernie,

can I go back
to school tomorrow?

Baby girl, I'm waiting
on your medical records

to come back from Chicago.

So when can I go back to school?

Baby girl, I just don't know
right now. I just don't know.

Hey, I'm going to rip
your lungs out.

It was an accident.

All right, calm down.

Calm down.
What happened?

He spilled sauce on me
on purpose.

Sorry.
See, he apologized.

Now, everybody,
let's just eat.

Ah! She's going to stab me!

What?

I just dropped my fork.

She was going to stab him.

I saw it in her eyes.

Hey, baby, kids.
They were fighting.

That's what they
do. They fight.

I never had that level
of hostility with my brothers.

Well, baby, where
they're from, that's
how they fight.

You and your brother
from some other stuff.

What stuff?

The "look it up
on the Internet",
"talk it out" stuff.

Sweetheart, they gettin'
too wild for you,

get one of my belts.

Just fight fire with fire.

Actually, honey,
you fight fire with water.

Okay... well, while
you're doing your thing,

look up something for me
and baby girl to do

tomorrow, okay?
Why don't you just beat her?

WOMAN:
Are you at your fax machine,
Mr. Mac?

Hey, I'm right here
at the fax machine.

Right, ho-hold on, baby,
comin' through.

Yes, sir, hold on.
No, it's not, no, it's not.

I can't see the date.
It's not all the way...

WOMAN:
The date's at the top, sir.

Well, can you overnight it
to me?

WOMAN:
We can't do both, sir.

What do you mean,
you can't do both?

WOMAN: There's no reason
to be rude with me.

Well, how 'bout if I fax it
back to you?

WOMAN:
That's not going to work, sir.

Let me speak to your supervisor.

WOMAN:
I am the supervisor.

Oh, is that right?

WOMAN:
Yes, it is.

Yeah, well, well,
congratulations.

Yeah, yeah. Well, come on,
look here, sister.

(dial tone)
They won't let... hello?
Hello? Hello? Hello?

Can I go to school now?

It's tofu day.

Who ever heard of a kid begging
for a school day?

When I was baby girl's age,
I used to pray for a snow day.

Used to put a thermometer
up to a light

so Big Mama thought
I was burning up,

but baby girl's not like me...

so I'll get her schoolwork,
and watch her little mind grow.

I remember the time
I wanted to be sick,

and Big Mama put a thermometer
in the crack, you know?

Ever since then,
I don't like nothing in my ass.

(running footsteps)

(footsteps stop)

Hmm.

(running footsteps)

Now...

I told you no fighting
up in here, Nessa.

I'm not fighting. I'm hiding.
Bryana's it.

Why you playing?
I thought I told you

to help her
with her homework, Nessa.

This is her homework.

What?

I don't care if it's the best
school in the doggone world.

I'm paying big bucks so baby
girl can go play hide-and-seek

and talk about rainbows?

Look at this bull.

I'm so glad she need shots.

It opened my eyes, America.

This is a high-stake con game,
and I'm not going to be marked.

You know why?
'Cause I'm the Mac.

MS. ALLEN:
Thank you for bringing
Bryana's records, Mr. Mac.

And, although I concede

that, taken out of context,

the lesson plan might
sound a little odd...

Hide-and-seek, Ms. Allen?

It's an exercise
in deductive reasoning.

I have to see that.
Well, actually, we...

welcome your participation.

Uh, next week's parent helper...

Sign me up.

I know what you're saying,
America:

"Bernie Mac, how come
you didn't go off on her

for that old nonsense?"

Because Bernie Mac
is a fair man.

I'm going give them a chance
to show me their way.

Maybe I'll learn something,
but I don't think so.

I really don't think so.

Okay, everyone,

I would like to
introduce you to our
new parent helper,

so say hello to
Bryana's uncle,

Bernie.

KIDS:
Hi, Bernie.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
It's Mr. Mac.

Oh, no.

Um, we only use
first names here.

It's less hierarchal.

That's crazy.

Hey, uh, you know, we
shouldn't be judgmental.

"Bernie" rhymes
with "turkey".

No, it doesn't.

It's Mr. Mac,

and "Mac" rhymes
with "smack",

like upside your head.
(laughs)

(kids gasping)

Oh, he's so funny.
Bernie, Bernie.

Please... we never
tell the kids that
they're wrong.

That's the problem.

Okay, um, now, class,
it is time to begin
today's lesson,

and Mandy, I believe
it's your turn to decide
what we do today.

She's cute.
Yeah.

Go ahead, Mandy.
How 'bout sandbox?

(gasps)

No, no. Swings.
(gasps)

KIDS:
Yeah!

All right! Very well!

Off you go! Have fun!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa...
Good work, Bryana.

Good work, sweetheart.

Good work. Have fun.

Wait, wait.
Where they going?

You-you letting 'em go out
because they-they say
they want to go out?

Mm-hmm.

What happened to math

and spelling and science--
stuff they hate?

No, no, no.
See, we feel that, by
allowing the children

to make their own
choices, it enhances
their self-esteem.

Who told you that?
The children?

No. You know what?
You'll see, Bernie.

You know, it's
quite enriching.

That's some bull...
Shh...

WANDA:
Bryana's happy there.

Of course she's happy there--
they don't do no doggone work.

Wanda, they gave a kid
a gold star for only
peeing in his pants once.

"Very good, David."

Callin' grown-up folks
by their first name,
playin' all day.

It's got to stop.

Well, honey, their system

is more developmental
than academic, okay,

and you are there to help,
hence the term "parent helper".

Parent helper? Let me tell you
something, woman.

Only parent helper I had
was Big Mama's black belt,

and that was
like a father to me.

Okay, well, guess what?

Big Mama's black belt
is not the answer

to every situation, okay?
Hmm.

Maybe not, but it's
one hell of an attention getter,

and kids need somebody
who ain't just gonna let them do

what they feel like doing.

They're living in a dreamland,
America,

and I'm going to wake 'em up!

And when the school realizes
that I'm right,

they can thank me later.

JORDAN:
Get out of my room!

Like I said, America,

I'm going to teach them a lesson
right now.

Let him go,
Ow!

I said get out
of my room!

I'm not in your room.
I'm in Bryana's room.

Uh, now, Vanessa,

don't you think
you're splitting hairs here?

This room belongs
to both Bryana and Jordan.

Stop it, stop it.
Now, you keep it up,

I'll cluck your heads together
like Moe.

Honey, now, I'm
trying to teach them

that violence is
not the answer.

If it was up to me,
I'd use a parent helper.

Now, cut it out!

You want to talk
about this?

Hey!

Still standing.

You all know better than that.

Next time I see you,
I'm going to pat you.

Now go on, get out of here.

Hmm.

Can you open this
for me, Bernie?

Sure I can...

and it's Mr. Mac to you.

You might as well
get used to it,

because that's the way it is
in the real world.

If you go in for a job, you
wouldn't call your boss "Clyde."

If you get pulled over
on a DUI,

you wouldn't say "Hey, Clyde"
or "Bobby Joe" to the judge,

unless you want to lose
your driver privileges,

and I know you don't want
to lose your driver privileges,
now, do you?

No, Mr. Mac.
There you go. Now you talking.

Now here, take a swig.

That's a good one. Yeah.

Here, enjoy your juice.

Oh, one more thing.

When you get done,
I want you to use the bathroom.

No more getting no stars
for that, okay?

You're a man. Act like it.

Go on, get out of here.

Hey, baby girl, what's
wrong with you?

Why you not playing?

Timmy won't let me
use the swing.

Oh, yes, he will.

Hey, Timmy, you've
been on that swing
an awful long time.

Why don't you give
somebody else a turn?

I don't have to get off it
if I don't want to, Bernie.

Boy, get your butt off
that swing right now.

Oh, dear, uh, remember,
we don't use command sentences

at Wellington.

We reason with children.

You kiddin', right?

Reason, huh?

I think I got it.

Thank you.

Hey, Timmy, you ever
wonder why you got two
ears and one mouth?

Uh-uh.

Because you should listen

twice as much as you talk.

But...
Ah...

Still got a lot
more listening.

Get your butt
off that swing.

You see how that work, America?

All you people out there

who own little children,
get involved.

All these kids needs
is a little structure

and a little discipline.

Oh, you can make a difference.

Oh, yes, sir, you can.

(laughs)

(teachers murmuring)
Morning, everybody.

(silence)
Hey.

What's happening?

Ruth, Mrs. A.?

Bernie, uh, we need to talk.

Don't go
any further.

I knew it was coming.

They way he hogged the swing
and was sassy...

Actually, uh,

it's about you.

Uh...

You need to go.

What?

Me?

What I do?

My students
have started

calling me
Mr. Matthews.

That's your name, isn't it?

My name
is Chip.

Do you realize how long
it took to get them

to see me
as Chip?

I had to
earn that.

Bernie,

I-I'm sorry.

You-You just have no regard
for the Wellington way.

Well, listen, I don't mean
to step on your self-esteem,

but your Wellington way
is a bunch of bull.

You all supposed
to be getting

baby girl prepared
for the real world.

From what we've observed,
Bernie,

we're the best hope
that child has.

Is that right?

Well, from what I observed,
Chip,

I'm taking baby girl out
of this loony bin.

Right now.

Oh.

And, by the way,
they call me Mr. Mac.

(all talking at once)

Hi, honey.

Hey, baby.

This should get
the edge off, huh?

So, how did things go today?

Everything went
good today.

I took Bryana out.

You took her out of what?

I took her out of school--
out of Wellington.

Without talking to me?!

You didn't talk to me

when you ordered Chinese food
last night.

Did I complain about
the spicy shrimp? No.

For about an hour.

Who takes their child
out of school

in the middle
of the school year?

I can't believe you.

Baby girl need to focus
on something

like math and spelling,
sweetheart,

instead of playing tag
and tiddlywinks.

Oh, I know I should
have consulted

with you, Wanda,
but I feel strongly about this.

Look, you got the
kids cooperating.

Why not us?

Come on, baby.

(sighs)
Fine.

Thank you. Come here.

Put some suds in here
and do it right, okay?

That's my ba...
(scoffs)

Now, I know
my baby Wanda's upset

that I pulled baby girl out
of Wellington,

but what's going on over there
sure ain't learning.

The Wellington way?

More like the United Way.

Turn these kids
into a charity case.

Well, I say, no way.

If Bernie Mac going to pay
to send baby girl to school,

then she's going to school.

A real school.

And that's for real.

Another Mac?

Well, I'm sure
the girl could benefit

from an earlier exposure
to Jesus than the boy.

Oh, Father, thank you.

I mean, I know

the girl could use
a little structure.

We'll be here first thing
in the morning.

(coughing)

Mr. Mac, you know
we do have a screening process.

Father, you-you said
you had a policy for siblings.

In most cases, yes.

In Jordan's case...

Three nuns quit
on account of Jordan.

I can't keep losing my clergy.

Do they share the same seed?

How full is her sin cup?

Does she speak the language
of the devil?

(sighs)

Bring her in tomorrow,
and I'll have a look at her.

I'll splash some holy water
on her, see if it sizzles.

Wow.

BERNIE:
Man, this is one
prestigious wall

you got here, partner.

You got to have a long
waiting list.

Actually, your niece sounds
like a wonderful young lady.

If you would like,
she can start this week.

You're kidding?

This week, huh?
Yes.

Candidates
with your qualifications--

board gives me a little bit
of a leeway there.

All you have to do is become one
of our Diamond Donors.

Donors?

Yeah. It's
a win-win situation.

Your Diamond-level support

of our new Braelawn
Aquatic Center ensures

your nephew's acceptance.

You mean my niece.

Whatever.

(chuckles)

(sinister laugh)

Uh, we-we we would be honored

to have your niece join us here
at Cooney Elementary.

I think that's great,
because this school reminds me

of my old elementary school.

Yes, Officer,
I can confirm

that Johnny was
playing dodgeball

between the hours
of 2:00 and 4:00.

(clears throat)

Um, did I mention

that 55% of our students
are reading at grade level?

No, you didn't.

But let me ask you a question.

What about the other 45%?

I did not
see a gun.

Yes.

I will testify.

I'm going to
need a sub
tomorrow.

(laughs)

Wellington is still
holding her spot.

Why don't we
just put her back?

Thank you.

Before I do that,
I'd teach her myself.

And how long are you
going to do that?

Until we find
another school.

Simple as that.

Until we find
another school.

Good.

Ding-ding, baby girl.

Ding-ding,
the school bell's ringing.

Come on now.

Ooh, crayons.

No, no, no, no, no.
Not right now.

Today we're going
to start with math.

How come?

Because, in the real world,

with stuff called
money, sweetheart,

you wanna know
how to count.

Trust me.

Let's go outside.
No, no.

It's better if we start inside.

Like your new chalkboard?

Ooh, let's draw.

Ah, ah, ah...
Let's do this.

Let's pretend that this
crayon's money, okay?

Let's say that we
both have one, two,

three, four dollars.

And if I give you one
of mine, sweetheart,

how much do we have?

Say please.

What?

Please.

JORDAN:
Nuh-uh.

VANESSA: Uh-huh.
Nuh-uh.
Get out!

Get out!
Get out.

No. Get out.
Get out now!

Get out.

Please get out, please...
No, no.

Get out.
Get out!

Honey, those two are going
to be the death of me.

At least they know
how to use command sentences.

Well, you know, maybe, uh,
you might want

to make tomorrow's lesson plan
a little more...

interesting.

Baby, I was hoping

tomorrow would be your day
to teach.

No.

Wanda?

Love you, honey.

Who am I fooling?

I'm nobody's teacher.

I'm a comedian, America.

But the joke going
to be on baby girl

if I don't get her back
in school.

But not Wellington.

Hell, no.

They didn't teach her
not one thing

to prepare her
for the real world.

Not one thing.

VANESSA:
I am going to kill you.

Excuse me, America.
(Jordan screaming)

Excuse me.

Not one thing, I tell you.

Clean it up.

You clean it up.

You're the one who
threw it on the floor.

What's going on here?

He dumped garbage
all over my floor
and won't clean it up.

Why should I?

It's not my room.

Ooh, hey, hey,
where you going?

That's it!

Hey, baby. Baby,
where you going?

I'm going to get a belt.

Don't use one of
your skinny ones.

Get one of
my gators.

They got a hell
of a bite.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

JORDAN:
What?

You want us
to use patience puppets?

You be the mouth.

VANESSA:
And I suppose

I'm supposed
to be the ear?

(grunts)

(laughs)

Patience puppets.

Where does she even
get this stuff?

JORDAN:
Nah, nah, nah, nah.
I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.
I can't hear you.

I'm so sorry.

I can't hear you.
Can you hear me?

JORDAN:
Can you hear me?

Little louder.

(loudly):
Can you hear me?

Too loud.

I'm so sorry.

You see that, America?

That ain't the old school way.

See, in the old days,

when people got
into an argument,

we went out to the porch.

But baby girl-- she walked right
in the middle of it,

put herself in harm's way.

Tried to solve other people's
problem.

Like a little
Martin Luther King.

Crazy.

But she didn't learn that
from me.

Maybe there is something
to the Wellington way.

Maybe there is.

(whispering)
What?

Where are they?
Baby, it's over.

I told you, that's
what they do.

They're kids.
They fight.

Now they're
in the kitchen
getting a snack.

Well, I'm going to go
to the kitchen,

and if they so much as look
at me, the gator's going to...

(belt makes whipping noise)
...bite!

You next.

Hmm?

(whispering)

Bryana, we missed you.

Welcome back.

Go on in, baby.

I'm so glad you
changed your mind,

Mr. Mac.

Well, I'll admit it.

Can't say I understand
everything that's going
on here,

but I can't say

baby girl isn't
getting something out it.

Thank you.

You're welcome,
Miss Alhorn.

You know, America,
Bernie Mac is old school

and proud of it.

But things are different now.

And maybe my way isn't
for everybody.

JORDAN: Ow, Vanessa! Ow!
WANDA: I am getting the belt.

(laughs)

Well, sometimes,
it's just what you need.

Oh, this going to be good.

This is going to be real good.

in the doggone world.

I'm paying big bucks

so baby girl can go
play hide-and-seek

and talk about rainbow?

Look at this bull.

I'm-I'm I'm, you know...

Uh... give it back to me.

I just don't
know right now.

Hey! I'm going to rip
your lungs out.

It was an accident.

Keep it down.
(wincing)

What happened to you?
(laughter)

You hit your knee?

Yeah!!

(groans, laughter)

You okay?
You all right?

Captioned by VISUAL DATA