Original subtitles

For dessert, I'm going to make you

some homemade chocolate pudding, all right?

I don't like the skin on top.

I know. I'm going to pull the skin off for you, okay?

Don't worry about it.

Hey, good morning,

Ms. Allen, how you doing?

Oh, uh, fine, uh...

I, uh, guess you didn't get my message.

No, I didn't. What, is this a problem?

We need Bryana's immunization records.

After last night's board meeting,

no student can attend school without them.

I'm really sorry,

but I did leave you a message. That ain't no problem.

Probably back at home somewhere. Baby girl, you go on to class.

I'm going to run home and get your records for you.

Oh, I'm-I'm so sorry.

My hands are tied here.

What you trying to say, Ms. Allen? She can't go to school?

Oh, we don't like to use the word "can't," but yes.

That's some bull. Now I got to go all the way home

and look for some records in the drawer.

Come on, baby girl. That's some bull.

What do they think, baby girl got SARS or Ebola?

Nothing wrong with that girl.

Her flesh is intact.

They just want to mess up my day.

I only got four hours of peace as it is.

Wow.

JORDAN: Ow!

Ow! Ow! Ow, Vanessa!

Ow! Ow, Vanessa! Ow!

What's going on in there? Hey!

I can't breathe!

You're not hurt...

not like you're going to be. Vanessa,

stop strangling your brother.

Hey, don't push your brother. Come on.

I'm okay.

Come on, now.

You're older than him, and you're bigger than him.

Choking him and pushing him is not going to solve anything.

Want to bet?

I'm just going to kick him a little bit.

Oh, I don't think so. Softly.

No. Just one time.

Take it down. Have a seat.

Okay, so, did you, like, hear your niece and your nephew

upstairs trying to kill each other?

Trying? Please tell me one of 'em succeeded.

No, I got there in time to referee.

I thought you had some good news, baby,

'cause I could sure use some.

I can't find baby girl's medical records.

Damn!

I thought you said you were going to clean up

some of this mess, honey.

Well, why you holdin' onto your past

so hard for, Wanda?

Geez, now, look at... look at this... disco boot.

♪♪

Yeah, excuse me. Those are your boots. Really?

Yeah... Earth, Wind, and Fire phase, yeah.

♪♪

Uncle Bernie,

can I go back to school tomorrow?

Baby girl, I'm waiting on your medical records

to come back from Chicago.

So when can I go back to school?

Baby girl, I just don't know right now. I just don't know.

Hey, I'm going to rip your lungs out.

It was an accident.

All right, calm down.

Calm down. What happened?

He spilled sauce on me on purpose.

Sorry. See, he apologized.

Now, everybody, let's just eat.

Ah! She's going to stab me!

What?

I just dropped my fork.

She was going to stab him.

I saw it in her eyes.

Hey, baby, kids. They were fighting.

That's what they do. They fight.

I never had that level of hostility with my brothers.

Well, baby, where they're from, that's how they fight.

You and your brother from some other stuff.

What stuff?

The "look it up on the Internet", "talk it out" stuff.

Sweetheart, they gettin' too wild for you,

get one of my belts.

Just fight fire with fire.

Actually, honey, you fight fire with water.

Okay... well, while you're doing your thing,

look up something for me and baby girl to do

tomorrow, okay? Why don't you just beat her?

WOMAN: Are you at your fax machine, Mr. Mac?

Hey, I'm right here at the fax machine.

Right, ho-hold on, baby, comin' through.

Yes, sir, hold on. No, it's not, no, it's not.

I can't see the date. It's not all the way...

WOMAN: The date's at the top, sir.

Well, can you overnight it to me?

WOMAN: We can't do both, sir.

What do you mean, you can't do both?

WOMAN: There's no reason to be rude with me.

Well, how 'bout if I fax it back to you?

WOMAN: That's not going to work, sir.

Let me speak to your supervisor.

WOMAN: I am the supervisor.

Oh, is that right?

WOMAN: Yes, it is.

Yeah, well, well, congratulations.

Yeah, yeah. Well, come on, look here, sister.

(dial tone) They won't let... hello? Hello? Hello? Hello?

Can I go to school now?

It's tofu day.

Who ever heard of a kid begging for a school day?

When I was baby girl's age, I used to pray for a snow day.

Used to put a thermometer up to a light

so Big Mama thought I was burning up,

but baby girl's not like me...

so I'll get her schoolwork, and watch her little mind grow.

I remember the time I wanted to be sick,

and Big Mama put a thermometer in the crack, you know?

Ever since then, I don't like nothing in my ass.

(running footsteps)

(footsteps stop)

Hmm.

(running footsteps)

Now...

I told you no fighting up in here, Nessa.

I'm not fighting. I'm hiding. Bryana's it.

Why you playing? I thought I told you

to help her with her homework, Nessa.

This is her homework.

What?

I don't care if it's the best school in the doggone world.

I'm paying big bucks so baby girl can go play hide-and-seek

and talk about rainbows?

Look at this bull.

I'm so glad she need shots.

It opened my eyes, America.

This is a high-stake con game, and I'm not going to be marked.

You know why? 'Cause I'm the Mac.

MS. ALLEN: Thank you for bringing Bryana's records, Mr. Mac.

And, although I concede

that, taken out of context,

the lesson plan might sound a little odd...

Hide-and-seek, Ms. Allen?

It's an exercise in deductive reasoning.

I have to see that. Well, actually, we...

welcome your participation.

Uh, next week's parent helper...

Sign me up.

I know what you're saying, America:

"Bernie Mac, how come you didn't go off on her

for that old nonsense?"

Because Bernie Mac is a fair man.

I'm going give them a chance to show me their way.

Maybe I'll learn something, but I don't think so.

I really don't think so.

Okay, everyone,

I would like to introduce you to our new parent helper,

so say hello to Bryana's uncle,

Bernie.

KIDS: Hi, Bernie.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. It's Mr. Mac.

Oh, no.

Um, we only use first names here.

It's less hierarchal.

That's crazy.

Hey, uh, you know, we shouldn't be judgmental.

"Bernie" rhymes with "turkey".

No, it doesn't.

It's Mr. Mac,

and "Mac" rhymes with "smack",

like upside your head. (laughs)

(kids gasping)

Oh, he's so funny. Bernie, Bernie.

Please... we never tell the kids that they're wrong.

That's the problem.

Okay, um, now, class, it is time to begin today's lesson,

and Mandy, I believe it's your turn to decide what we do today.

She's cute. Yeah.

Go ahead, Mandy. How 'bout sandbox?

(gasps)

No, no. Swings. (gasps)

KIDS: Yeah!

All right! Very well!

Off you go! Have fun!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa... Good work, Bryana.

Good work, sweetheart.

Good work. Have fun.

Wait, wait. Where they going?

You-you letting 'em go out because they-they say they want to go out?

Mm-hmm.

What happened to math

and spelling and science-- stuff they hate?

No, no, no. See, we feel that, by allowing the children

to make their own choices, it enhances their self-esteem.

Who told you that? The children?

No. You know what? You'll see, Bernie.

You know, it's quite enriching.

That's some bull... Shh...

WANDA: Bryana's happy there.

Of course she's happy there-- they don't do no doggone work.

Wanda, they gave a kid a gold star for only peeing in his pants once.

"Very good, David."

Callin' grown-up folks by their first name, playin' all day.

It's got to stop.

Well, honey, their system

is more developmental than academic, okay,

and you are there to help, hence the term "parent helper".

Parent helper? Let me tell you something, woman.

Only parent helper I had was Big Mama's black belt,

and that was like a father to me.

Okay, well, guess what?

Big Mama's black belt is not the answer

to every situation, okay? Hmm.

Maybe not, but it's one hell of an attention getter,

and kids need somebody who ain't just gonna let them do

what they feel like doing.

They're living in a dreamland, America,

and I'm going to wake 'em up!

And when the school realizes that I'm right,

they can thank me later.

JORDAN: Get out of my room!

Like I said, America,

I'm going to teach them a lesson right now.

Let him go, Ow!

I said get out of my room!

I'm not in your room. I'm in Bryana's room.

Uh, now, Vanessa,

don't you think you're splitting hairs here?

This room belongs to both Bryana and Jordan.

Stop it, stop it. Now, you keep it up,

I'll cluck your heads together like Moe.

Honey, now, I'm trying to teach them

that violence is not the answer.

If it was up to me, I'd use a parent helper.

Now, cut it out!

You want to talk about this?

Hey!

Still standing.

You all know better than that.

Next time I see you, I'm going to pat you.

Now go on, get out of here.

Hmm.

Can you open this for me, Bernie?

Sure I can...

and it's Mr. Mac to you.

You might as well get used to it,

because that's the way it is in the real world.

If you go in for a job, you wouldn't call your boss "Clyde."

If you get pulled over on a DUI,

you wouldn't say "Hey, Clyde" or "Bobby Joe" to the judge,

unless you want to lose your driver privileges,

and I know you don't want to lose your driver privileges, now, do you?

No, Mr. Mac. There you go. Now you talking.

Now here, take a swig.

That's a good one. Yeah.

Here, enjoy your juice.

Oh, one more thing.

When you get done, I want you to use the bathroom.

No more getting no stars for that, okay?

You're a man. Act like it.

Go on, get out of here.

Hey, baby girl, what's wrong with you?

Why you not playing?

Timmy won't let me use the swing.

Oh, yes, he will.

Hey, Timmy, you've been on that swing an awful long time.

Why don't you give somebody else a turn?

I don't have to get off it if I don't want to, Bernie.

Boy, get your butt off that swing right now.

Oh, dear, uh, remember, we don't use command sentences

at Wellington.

We reason with children.

You kiddin', right?

Reason, huh?

I think I got it.

Thank you.

Hey, Timmy, you ever wonder why you got two ears and one mouth?

Uh-uh.

Because you should listen

twice as much as you talk.

But... Ah...

Still got a lot more listening.

Get your butt off that swing.

You see how that work, America?

All you people out there

who own little children, get involved.

All these kids needs is a little structure

and a little discipline.

Oh, you can make a difference.

Oh, yes, sir, you can.

(laughs)

(teachers murmuring) Morning, everybody.

(silence) Hey.

What's happening?

Ruth, Mrs. A.?

Bernie, uh, we need to talk.

Don't go any further.

I knew it was coming.

They way he hogged the swing and was sassy...

Actually, uh,

it's about you.

Uh...

You need to go.

What?

Me?

What I do?

My students have started

calling me Mr. Matthews.

That's your name, isn't it?

My name is Chip.

Do you realize how long it took to get them

to see me as Chip?

I had to earn that.

Bernie,

I-I'm sorry.

You-You just have no regard for the Wellington way.

Well, listen, I don't mean to step on your self-esteem,

but your Wellington way is a bunch of bull.

You all supposed to be getting

baby girl prepared for the real world.

From what we've observed, Bernie,

we're the best hope that child has.

Is that right?

Well, from what I observed, Chip,

I'm taking baby girl out of this loony bin.

Right now.

Oh.

And, by the way, they call me Mr. Mac.

(all talking at once)

Hi, honey.

Hey, baby.

This should get the edge off, huh?

So, how did things go today?

Everything went good today.

I took Bryana out.

You took her out of what?

I took her out of school-- out of Wellington.

Without talking to me?!

You didn't talk to me

when you ordered Chinese food last night.

Did I complain about the spicy shrimp? No.

For about an hour.

Who takes their child out of school

in the middle of the school year?

I can't believe you.

Baby girl need to focus on something

like math and spelling, sweetheart,

instead of playing tag and tiddlywinks.

Oh, I know I should have consulted

with you, Wanda, but I feel strongly about this.

Look, you got the kids cooperating.

Why not us?

Come on, baby.

(sighs) Fine.

Thank you. Come here.

Put some suds in here and do it right, okay?

That's my ba... (scoffs)

Now, I know my baby Wanda's upset

that I pulled baby girl out of Wellington,

but what's going on over there sure ain't learning.

The Wellington way?

More like the United Way.

Turn these kids into a charity case.

Well, I say, no way.

If Bernie Mac going to pay to send baby girl to school,

then she's going to school.

A real school.

And that's for real.

Another Mac?

Well, I'm sure the girl could benefit

from an earlier exposure to Jesus than the boy.

Oh, Father, thank you.

I mean, I know

the girl could use a little structure.

We'll be here first thing in the morning.

(coughing)

Mr. Mac, you know we do have a screening process.

Father, you-you said you had a policy for siblings.

In most cases, yes.

In Jordan's case...

Three nuns quit on account of Jordan.

I can't keep losing my clergy.

Do they share the same seed?

How full is her sin cup?

Does she speak the language of the devil?

(sighs)

Bring her in tomorrow, and I'll have a look at her.

I'll splash some holy water on her, see if it sizzles.

Wow.

BERNIE: Man, this is one prestigious wall

you got here, partner.

You got to have a long waiting list.

Actually, your niece sounds like a wonderful young lady.

If you would like, she can start this week.

You're kidding?

This week, huh? Yes.

Candidates with your qualifications--

board gives me a little bit of a leeway there.

All you have to do is become one of our Diamond Donors.

Donors?

Yeah. It's a win-win situation.

Your Diamond-level support

of our new Braelawn Aquatic Center ensures

your nephew's acceptance.

You mean my niece.

Whatever.

(chuckles)

(sinister laugh)

Uh, we-we we would be honored

to have your niece join us here at Cooney Elementary.

I think that's great, because this school reminds me

of my old elementary school.

Yes, Officer, I can confirm

that Johnny was playing dodgeball

between the hours of 2:00 and 4:00.

(clears throat)

Um, did I mention

that 55% of our students are reading at grade level?

No, you didn't.

But let me ask you a question.

What about the other 45%?

I did not see a gun.

Yes.

I will testify.

I'm going to need a sub tomorrow.

(laughs)

Wellington is still holding her spot.

Why don't we just put her back?

Thank you.

Before I do that, I'd teach her myself.

And how long are you going to do that?

Until we find another school.

Simple as that.

Until we find another school.

Good.

Ding-ding, baby girl.

Ding-ding, the school bell's ringing.

Come on now.

Ooh, crayons.

No, no, no, no, no. Not right now.

Today we're going to start with math.

How come?

Because, in the real world,

with stuff called money, sweetheart,

you wanna know how to count.

Trust me.

Let's go outside. No, no.

It's better if we start inside.

Like your new chalkboard?

Ooh, let's draw.

Ah, ah, ah... Let's do this.

Let's pretend that this crayon's money, okay?

Let's say that we both have one, two,

three, four dollars.

And if I give you one of mine, sweetheart,

how much do we have?

Say please.

What?

Please.

JORDAN: Nuh-uh.

VANESSA: Uh-huh. Nuh-uh. Get out!

Get out! Get out.

No. Get out. Get out now!

Get out.

Please get out, please... No, no.

Get out. Get out!

Honey, those two are going to be the death of me.

At least they know how to use command sentences.

Well, you know, maybe, uh, you might want

to make tomorrow's lesson plan a little more...

interesting.

Baby, I was hoping

tomorrow would be your day to teach.

No.

Wanda?

Love you, honey.

Who am I fooling?

I'm nobody's teacher.

I'm a comedian, America.

But the joke going to be on baby girl

if I don't get her back in school.

But not Wellington.

Hell, no.

They didn't teach her not one thing

to prepare her for the real world.

Not one thing.

VANESSA: I am going to kill you.

Excuse me, America. (Jordan screaming)

Excuse me.

Not one thing, I tell you.

Clean it up.

You clean it up.

You're the one who threw it on the floor.

What's going on here?

He dumped garbage all over my floor and won't clean it up.

Why should I?

It's not my room.

Ooh, hey, hey, where you going?

That's it!

Hey, baby. Baby, where you going?

I'm going to get a belt.

Don't use one of your skinny ones.

Get one of my gators.

They got a hell of a bite.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

JORDAN: What?

You want us to use patience puppets?

You be the mouth.

VANESSA: And I suppose

I'm supposed to be the ear?

(grunts)

(laughs)

Patience puppets.

Where does she even get this stuff?

JORDAN: Nah, nah, nah, nah. I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry. I can't hear you.

I'm so sorry.

I can't hear you. Can you hear me?

JORDAN: Can you hear me?

Little louder.

(loudly): Can you hear me?

Too loud.

I'm so sorry.

You see that, America?

That ain't the old school way.

See, in the old days,

when people got into an argument,

we went out to the porch.

But baby girl-- she walked right in the middle of it,

put herself in harm's way.

Tried to solve other people's problem.

Like a little Martin Luther King.

Crazy.

But she didn't learn that from me.

Maybe there is something to the Wellington way.

Maybe there is.

(whispering) What?

Where are they? Baby, it's over.

I told you, that's what they do.

They're kids. They fight.

Now they're in the kitchen getting a snack.

Well, I'm going to go to the kitchen,

and if they so much as look at me, the gator's going to...

(belt makes whipping noise) ...bite!

You next.

Hmm?

(whispering)

Bryana, we missed you.

Welcome back.

Go on in, baby.

I'm so glad you changed your mind,

Mr. Mac.

Well, I'll admit it.

Can't say I understand everything that's going on here,

but I can't say

baby girl isn't getting something out it.

Thank you.

You're welcome, Miss Alhorn.

You know, America, Bernie Mac is old school

and proud of it.

But things are different now.

And maybe my way isn't for everybody.

JORDAN: Ow, Vanessa! Ow! WANDA: I am getting the belt.

(laughs)

Well, sometimes, it's just what you need.

Oh, this going to be good.

This is going to be real good.

in the doggone world.

I'm paying big bucks

so baby girl can go play hide-and-seek

and talk about rainbow?

Look at this bull.

I'm-I'm I'm, you know...

Uh... give it back to me.

I just don't know right now.

Hey! I'm going to rip your lungs out.

It was an accident.

Keep it down. (wincing)

What happened to you? (laughter)

You hit your knee?

Yeah!!

(groans, laughter)

You okay? You all right?

Captioned by VISUAL DATA